the Sleepy Sheepless Shepard

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Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644
the Sleepy Sheepless Shepard

liked that title better than the original one...and now that Brian is here it is also FITTING

HERE GOES NOTHING...*draws a bit breath and hits ctrl v*

Posted: 2002-11-10 23:52
well, an explination for the title: we have the 2 border collies, we have the land, we have the know how (done it for years)...we EVEN have the SHEEP...BUT alas, not the fences, so the SHEEP reside at Mom and Dad's

anyway, I read a couple of journals...rejoice when things go good, and pray when things go bad (and am thankful when it isn't me), here is hoping somebody gets something out of my probably short-lived journal as well

a lil background:
I am 32, opinionated, pregnant, hormonal (and this is ......unusual?)...I am born again Christian...dispite what some have said, I know where I stand, and what others thing rarely mean much to me, but I can be irritated, which can make me...irritatING in spite of my best intentions...ah yes, and for as long as I can remember, even pre-preg this has applied

for some more mundane details, I was raised EXTREMELY conservatively...when I was rather sm our family went to the Mennonite church in Fresno, we came up here and went to a Southern Baptist-style Baptist church and I say that cuz I have modified what I believe after much soul searching and a LONG hiatus from ANY church...the lovely ladies at my folks church LOVED gossip, and I got burned...NO, I am NOT saying what I did was right, but it was certainly NOT their business, and they couldn't WAIT to go tell Mom (man this is so very very far off where I was going to go, but just....sort of....cathartic

anyway, when I was 8ish we moved from Fresno to WA State...a good move, but not one I was overly thrilled with in the beginning...when I was about...10? my Grandparents moved up here...both a blessing and a G-ma and I were close, but she never let me get away with much...she didn't let ANYONE get away with much, but to give you an idea, EVERYONE called her and G-pa G-ma and G-pa and knew they loved and welcomed just about everyone...oh yeah, and a lil background, I was born on her B-day...she always called me the "best birthday present"...there is a story that goes with it, but think I will wait on that one...this post is already turning into a monster

so anyway, as a rebelious teen, I picked up a bf at 15...something rather stupid...he was definately one of the dregs of society, and my very strict parents did their best to disallow it but I could be....inspiring if I really chose to be, and we did manage some alone time...I was rather curious as to what sex really was and he was oh so willing to show me

anyway, where was I? ah yes...during the 12-13 yr church hiatus, I had 2 rather serious relationships with 2...interesting men, both 5 yrs long, both long distance, both rather foolish of me as well...yes, I slept with them, no I never got preg...they were both rather different from one another, but similar in that they were...pretty self centered, pretty was a Hispanic guy with a low self esteem, but was a great friend b4 we started dating...for the record, I still miss that friendship, but no longer the man...I have always been into the fixer-up, house, friends, bf as well, and I like a challenge, so I held on for dear life...I was GOING to make it work come hell or high water...ah yes, 5 yrs my senior...I can count on one hand how many times he expressed a positive "I love you" emotion towards me and have fingers left...

the second was a man 9 yrs my senior, the mighty white hunter, and what we call a road ho...meaning he worked about 4-6 mos out of the yr or more and played the rest...another fixer-upper altho he was quite a bit more self centered...this relationship was better...he was more attentive and more affectionate...we had more good times together, but whereas the good was better, the bad was.....oh so much worse...and, he didn't want kids period cuz, and yes this is a quote, "I don't want to have to share my stuff"

I should have ran, but by now I had convinced myself I didn't want kids anyway, so why not?

that one ended very badly...I did things I am ashamed of...sorry for...and learned from, I will NOT ever repeat them again (and no one has ever inspired me to that, which I find interesting)

so, I had this friend once that said if you don't want to repeat your mistakes, change someone for 2 (?) yrs I was single, and PICKY...I sort of took a hiatus from the steady relationship aspect and started back to church (ok, off and on)...I finally decided that if I wanted a serious relationship I should go back to church and stick to my more fixer-uppers...I got serious, joined a church, was baptised

and I didn't lower my standards, but I DID change them...I refined them...added and subtracted and voila, things started making more sense...I did the same with my beliefs, much to my Mom's dismay sometimes, but hey, is a grey area thing (and certainly NOT something I am going to post so ya all can debate me)

so anyhow, I did meet my now DH...altho it wasn't in church, it was online...interesting, and I remember telling him just about off the bat that he was too old (yes yes, 15 yrs my senior) but that I was open to more friends...and we definately bacame really good friends rather quickly...we had so much fun together, and there were NO strings...we had tons and tons of fun, and I was always up front...he was...PATIENT...and, just a friend, and there for me WHENEVER I needed him...I finally saw the light, we started dating, and got married about a 1.5 later...we had a sm wedding...and it wasn't bad...IN FACT it was about the best I have ever seen...BUT, for the record, I would still ELOPE! but then I am just WEIRD!

so, for some fill, by now G-pa has been long gone...he passed on when I was 22 I think...the Tues before Thanksgiving...G-ma moved in with my parents a few years later...

so, fast forward 2 more yrs and I am married, 32, and has certainly never been better, for the most part...we have had to move G-ma into assisted living as Mom is no longer capable...I am still very close to her, and Mom and I make a point of spending time with her...doing things with her and taking care of her...but it is getting the 3 months she was there, my son has shown himself so I know HE is my son, or at least am pretty sure of it...I have felt him move, had hiccups, and I have gone from being sorta pregnant (DH's words) to VERY pregnant, and altho she wasn't always really coherent, she is at least so very excited about the baby and does remember that...and I get to hear all her baby stories, which is pretty neat!

and when Mom went to Alaska in August, things started to happen...G-ma would get in turn much better and then much worse...she started making regular trips to the ER from her many falls and assorted problems...and it didn't stop when Mom got home got progressively worse...and worse and worse and finally she was admitted to the hospital for observation...the tests I had been told by my sil to have done were FINALLY done...the news was not good at all...her dementia was caused by (from what I understand) a shut down of her kidneys spilling proteins en masse) which was also poisoning her system and her not drinking much/any is sad to note I have a really good idea as to the why they shut down...I love my G-ma, please don't forget that, but she has always been a bit of a.....hypochondriac...she put a hole in her stomach eating aspirin like candy many yrs ago...she had massive back problems brought on mainly by her foolish actions (won't go there either) and I work my very best not to repeat...that brought on failed surgery's and a dependance on Tylenol 3 (T3) or Codienne, which she takes on a VERY regular basis...and then, when her brains have been a bit scrambled from the abuse, she forgets she has taken the T3 and starts to overmedicate, which would have been...about a yr.5 ago, and Mom had to take control (another long story) of her this point, she is upset cuz she needs more pills, altho the Dr says definate NO so she starts to take Tylenol and or Advil like candy, and Tums, and....

so back to recent...the tests we wanted run, came back...her kidneys have failed...there is lil to no function left in them, and she has maybe 2 months left to live, altho even that today an overly optomistic some ways she looks better, but mentally, she is mostly gone...she is also on Morphine shots for a couple of reasons...the toxins aren't good, because of her back problems being bedriddin in itself is PAINFUL...the Morphine adds to her dementia

BUT, on a lil brighter note, I have many blessings to count...I got to spend the majority of my life with a highly intelligent wonderul and loving woman that loved her family more than anything...and shared her love with the whole family, even those in her "family" that weren't blood, she recognized us when we got there...Brian finally kicked for her, which she was so thrilled with...she lived her example...she was a beacon of light thru most of even the worse times (hey, we all have our moments!)...she is someone I would love for Brian to have known, so she can be his "angel"...I so don't think she will ever get to see him face to face, but at this point, I think I can handle that better then watching her for the next 2 mos like this...

and thru it all, God has blessed me...I never could have done this alone...when G-pa passed away, I was pretty much on my own, and that very hard...and while I loved my G-pa, I was so much closer to G-ma (another rather long story)...I lived with G-ma for a bit, helped take care of her before she moved in with Mom...I love her so much, and this is all very hard to deal with...but now that I have Mark (DH), I do have someone to lean on...he has been so very supportive, a light when I need it...sometimes I think he should be sainted or something, but he is "just doing what he is supposed to"...I dont think I could do this alone...I certainly dont want to try...

so anyway, I see this is going to be one monster of a post already, so I will stop here...I know, too late, tmi (sorry)

but it sure feels better to get it on "paper"

I need to go see what DH is up too...last I say the dogs and Max were harrassing him so I should go rescue him...hopefully the next post won't be so very long!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644
the Sleepy Sheepless Shephard

Posted: 2002-11-11 20:48

well, another day, another phone call

after yesterday, and seeing G-ma in her current state, worrying about Mom, and helping pack up the assist living apt, I started feeling a little more at peace with what was going really needed to become a her thing and so not a me thing...meaning, I was feeling selfish about being hurt that she would never get to see my son...our son...I have to say that was definately one thing I was so looking forward too...she had felt my tummy more than once and never had he once kicked her (he is so good at that too! ya touch the tummy and he STOPS)

BUT, after seeing her, her condition...and knowing she was leaving so quickly...and then having Brian do the one thing I have been trying to get him to do...SHE knew...she was higher than a kite on Morphine, but SHE KNEW...SHE FELT HER GREAT GRANDSON AND SHE KNEW I am gonna cry again...she knew...and she knew who I was, and that Mark was there...and SHE KNEW BRIAN WAS THERE...

so, yes it hurts like hurts more than a broken heart, over some silly man (no we aren't talking DH either), more than physical pain...but she hurts, but she got to feel him...for me, right now, that is plenty...she is not her incoherence, after we left her room, she started to giggle like crazy...I think she was in and out of reality, but Praise God, she knew...

we did get more news isn't good...her Kidney's are 90% ineffective (Renal failure?) and the pidley 10% left is fading fast...she is dumping proteins probably by at least 90% as well, which means she is getting next to nothing...she has the starts of Renal Failure related Pneumonia...she has absolutely NOTHING to fight it with...she has a not so good heart, tons of worthless fluid in her system

instead of not saying anything, or making Mom go thru the calling again, I emailed everyone, including my sis and bro...first time around Mom said she could go anytime

so I emailed everyone, then figured I should give Mom a heads isn't nice to do something for her and then defeat the purpose cuz she doesn't know what is going on

so I called her good I emailed her first...her story changed...the Dr doesn't expect her to make it thru the night...I guess that WOULD qualify for anytime, but...

so I spent most of the night up for reflux, and, maybe stress (ya THINK?)...I prayed that she wouldn't suffer too much instead of asking for her to stay...I feel raw, I hurt, I still have the worlds most WONDERFUL man behind me every step of the, now I am feeling much better, in a way...I don't feel selfish anymore...I can see I was so very blessed with being able to be with her and help her towards the end...and help Mom...I can see I have had so much more than even my siblings in that I have been here with both her and Mom for so long...the 3 of us have had a grand ol time...we have done lunch...out...we have done shopping...we have done the Christmas and Turkey thing...just the 3 of us...I have heard countless of her stories over and over, and I know them by heart...I know my Uncle could be a pill...the middle one...I know the oldest one was such a joy even tho my G-pa was overseas shortly after conception...I know the youngest is her joy...I know so many things...that My Mother has been such a huge and APPRECIATED help to her...I know that altho she didnt really have a "favorite" grandchild, she had a "favorite" grandchild that was always there to help her out, or harrass her, or take her to her hair apt (and of course go get lunch with her!)...I know I can deal with the elderly...I know I can make a difference, even tho it is so very hard...I know that between the 3 of us, we have touched so very many lives...and that we have 2 wonderful men behind us, and one in heavon lovingly and anxiously waiting for his sweetheart to come to him (ok, find him, he was so very bad at directions, riding with him was ALWAYS an adventure)

I know so many things, and was blessed so very much by just doing one simple thing, being there...loving her, taking care of her and letting her love me...and I am certainly am NOT the easiest to love

I am like her in some ways...I also know now that I carry babies easily like she did, that came out yesterday...

so, with that, I will relate her MOST favorite story...the one I will cry over as I write it...the one that so terribly embarrassed me more than once

the date would have been Sept 28, 1970

G-ma was working at a packing plant in Central CA (Alemeda sp? I think)...she and a couple of her work friends were busy with their day (ya all should know CA is one huge Ag state...tons and tons literally of produce)...somewhere around 3, my Mom calls her...from the labor and delivery room, and sings her happy birthday, cuz, on her 52 birthday, her oldest daughter gave birth to her BEST birthday present got guess G-ma was a lil excited...between her and the other 2 ladies in the office, I guess they all totally lost it...they were in charge of paperwork that the loaded trucks were supposed to carry...needless to say, the wrong paperwork went with the wrong truck more than once, so that lead to ALL 3 of them being send home...

so loves to tell that to everyone...even total and COMPLETE STRANGERS...I will so miss that story...what I would give to hear her tell it one more time...just one more time

but I have that story...the memories...I have years of growing up with her...of becoming an adult and helping her out...I have more than most at peace my love...I will certainly see you on the other side

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2002-11-12 23:09

WARNING...this is an EMOTIONAL post...and a LONG one

well, for anyone that is interested, or hasn't caught my posting on the Jan 03 board, my beloved Grandmother passed away this morning at about 7:30

I knew as of yesterday that she probably wouldn't make it thru the what the Dr told we went to go visit her one last time...I really didn't want to go...what if she was dead when we got there...we left about 45 mins later then I had originally stated...then it was what if she dies when we are there...and then what if she does alone...I had Mark drive faster (he really doesn't appreciate that, and I really try NOT to ask him that) we get there and Mom is reading her Psalms...she is still...sort of with us

Mark got the cord out of the radio for her so she can plug in G-ma's radio...she always loved music

she couldn't hardly see anything...part of the renal failure means that the eyes don't get much lubrication, and she didn't have her glasses on

and we were there to say last time

I stood over her fighting for control so I wouldn't cause her angst...thru her confussion you could tell she was very thrilled to see us...I took half a step back so I didn't wet her down, and Mark had his arm around me, and was talking to her, and I was trying too anyway

I brushed her hair, and stroked her cheek...she had a bit of a moment of lucidity and didn't want me to touch her, and made a motion about not wanting to make me sick...we all reassured her it was all ok, and I took her hand again and didn't let her take it away...she DIDN'T fight me, I am pretty sure she knew as well

Brian started to dance again...I wasn't sure what to do...he was being his normal self and I didn't think he would cooperate and kick her again, but I think he did...I had to sit down...I managed to compose myself to start reading to took me a few mins to really compose myself, but I got clearer as we went, and I read several of the Psalms to her, or at least parts of I must say I was a bit surprised at how many War Psalms there were...we DIDN'T read those...started at 32 or 34, and went thru 60-something

she was so pleased to hear them...I really think she was close enough to the other side to see it...

Mom had an older book of hymns, so we sang a few of them too her...I was actually able to remember quite a few of them, and I can at least sorta carry a in, you can more or less recognize it...Mark sounded great, but then I am did Mom (at least to me)...

by then it was about 9 o clock, we decided we had better head out...I wanted to tell her it was ok to go now...that she didn't have to stay for Brian, it would take too long...that I didn't want her to suffer, but I knew it would so mess up Mom, and wasn't sure I could actually say it...but I was thinkin it like crazy

and it WAS ok...I was at peace with it, and so was Mom...we were about as prepared as we could be...Mom left her radio on...we made sure it wasn't loud enough to be a nuisance, but it WAS loud enough for her to hear

we could hear her singing and humming as we left, she sounded like...she too was at peace

is why I was so sure she could see the other side...her sight had more or less failed her on this earth, but certainly not there...

Mom had booked it out of there pretty quick...I can't say as I blame her at all...I stopped at the nurses station and said please don't wake Mom in the middle of the night if you don't have too...she isn't sleeping already (go figure)

we were the last visitors to leave that night

we were the only visitors that night

I got more than anyone else in my family other than my Mother...I got to say goodbye, I got to see God's hand, I really did, I got to comfort her and Mom, and I had my DH there with me FOR me...and I NEEDED him...

and Brian danced on...

we got home about 9:30ish, Mark made milkshakes, and I really think that helped settle my stomach...I didn't get much sleep (how SHOCKING ) BUT I did get SOME...Mark forgot to set the alarm, but I was up at 6:30, so he wasn't late for work (he is exempt, so is ok anyway)

I never went back to bed, I was waiting for the phone to ring, cuz I already knew, I wouldn't see her again on this earth

and I didn't have to wait long...Mom called about 7:35...I knew already why she was calling...she said G-ma sang and hummed all night long, that she sounded peaceful, and almost happy...why not? I can only imagine what she saw...who knows, maybe G-pa, her Mom and Dad, and brothers

they went in around 7:30 to check her vitals, and she drew her last breath

she was gone...she passed peacefully, she was not alone on either side

it was over...she was out of pain

a good friend of mine put it in perspective: all the things she loved to do, she could again...she could walk unassisted, she could sing and play the piano again, she could run, and jump and play as much or as little as she chose too...and it made me think...she can watch Brian and Mark and me as well...why not? ya know, is a grey area in the bible, and I would think she would love to watch ALL her children and grand children and great grandchildren, so I choose to believe she, G-pa, Great G-ma Anna etc ALL watch us

and it added to my peace...I felt the hand of God touching my son, saw it touch my Mom, myself and my Dad as well, as he loved her like a Mother...and called her and treated her like a Mom

I helped call my Uncles and Aunt...for now it is looking like 4 or 5 of the kids will make it for the Memorial service

as will a number of my cousins, my brother, my sister and my nephew

and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world

not having to take care of her, not stressing about having to do the DR or ER stuff in Aug...not her almost ODing on my watch a couple yrs ago...NONE of it

I got to know my Grandmother better than most, and I am blessed by it...I don't want to forget what happened either...I want to be able to tell my children about the woman that was their Great Grandmother...I want to tell them stories like Mom and G-ma told me about MY Great G-ma Anna...I don't ever want to forget

I know in time the pain will fade, and the neat part is most of the bad stuff gets filtered in time and what you are left with are happier stories...

so, here is looking forward to rememberances, for time spend with family

and for peace

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2002-11-16 00:54

well, another day, and more insanity

so to start, I spent part of yesterday cleaning house and making arrangements as to who was going to stay with us and who wasn't...Mark was home for most of the day...which was nice, and he helped out quite a bit...

today was....pretty hectic here and at the folks' as well...for the here part, I was really looking forward to Mark being home and didn't have a vehicle (is at Mom's)...he left at 10ish to check into work, and STAYED until almost 1:30ish...and I couldn't get ahold of him...Mom had called and asked if I could go get Jim, Judy and Kathy at the airport at 255, I had said YEAH no problem! was interesting as we had to go to the grocery store before hand...found out Mark had played cards at lunch...glad SOMEONE had fun...I was getting panicy...we will so not be doing the no car thing EVER

so anyway, folks started flying in yesterday...A. Patty showed alone at about 5:30ish and we had a rather simple dinner here (chef salad, bread, etc) and then jetted, late, to our birthing class...which, incidentally went pretty good

so for Mom's...guess my sister flew in at midnight last night after her flight was late and missed the connection, with her 4 mo old son....(cousin) Josh, wife Rachel and 1.5 yr old and his sister Kimi and her husband Jon and their 2 month old Christian flew into Seattle and drove in at 2ish (maybe with) U. Mike and A. Harriett...don't think Mom got more than 3-5 hrs sleep...Phil (brother) and wife got in sometime this afternoon, and U Jim, A Judy and cousin Kathy flew in at 3

holy cow, what a zoo...but, a good zoo...we spent the majority of the time remembering and inflicting old stories...remembering Grandma, chasing kids...and finally having dinner...I am feeling...weird...Brian has definately dropped...not sure WHAT he is doing or where exactly he just like he getting movement in strange places...needless to say just about everyone sympathised with my "condition" so we got to get out a LIL a bit sore, but overall not too bad I just weird...suddenly my plate shelf is more a ramp now

SO, tonight I am going to put the ham in the oven on timed back, get up in the am slice it up, put the glaze to it and back in the oven...then to Mom's around 10 or 11 (we hope)

Memorial time is 1, we are supposed to be at the church about 12:30 or brother is still at Mom's and I am about to head into the shower, rub Mark's stiff shoulder (hard day of cards no doubt) and go pass out

oh yeah and the joys of being pregnant...have been waking up no a reg basis at night...can't go back to sleep, and it finally dons on me last night it is Brian


just shoot me now? PLEASE? oh yeah, BUT, on a GOOD note, I DO have something good to wear to the service tomorrow...ok, not shoes, but.....I DON'T least I ma not wearing jeans!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2002-11-21 00:47

well, 2 days ago I tried to update my journal...was having a bit of a problem with my puter hasn't liked me logging in, so when I hit send, I lost all of it (thought I was logged in dammit) and I lost a huge long post...*sigh* I am not ready to redo it just yet...

BUT, short version is we had a great Memorial Service Sat afternoon...we got to reminiss (which I can't spell)...from her Dr that was a personal family friend, to the Pastor, to the Grandkids and Kids, friends etc...some of it was humorous, some was...tearful...all of it was great to remember...we are a rather strange bunch so ALL of it was... normal for us

think all toll, we had between 25-30 family members...not sure how many were at the service...but I got to see cousins I haven't seen in years...even got to see my Mom's second cousins...that was really neat as well and we had a quasi-Thanksgiving dinner afterwards...yes, still 30ish people there, BUT with all the food from church and what we had made, we had LEFTOVERS...LOTS OF THEM

holy cow...I haven't seen that many leftovers after ANY dinner ESP with that much company!!

is a good thing I haven't told OUR pastor yet, am not sure I could handle it

and Brian danced on and on...he finally nudged Mom...NOT kick, but he was movin for her...FINALLY...and got to hear the stories from my cousins, hold and play with my 2 mo old cousin (second?), my 4 mo old nephew etc

it was great...could feel Grandma watching, and laughing...everyone could

the hard part was Sun...we went back over to say goodbye to those that were leaving...Mom and I had discussed letting everyone take momentos...and we were fine with it...but it was a bit...much...I know it was important for everyone to have something of her, and most of it was just...stuff...nothing worth much other then memories...but it was so final, and most were leaving Sun afternoon or early Mon...and them going thru it meant Mom and I didn't, and wouldn't have to pack it all up and send it meant they got something THEY wanted...and it wasn't as if I didn't have some stuff...most stuff I wanted I already had, some of which I actually GOT from G-ma, and I have some incredible memorable stuff...I got 2 of the bears I gave to her for Christmas one for Brian and one for either me or another child we might have...the rest were given out...

and it was hard to watch...granted it was easier then us having to do it...and for that I was very grateful...for me not taking more (trust me I had thought about it) and for everyene getting SOMETHING...AND for not having to do it...but it was so...very very be honest it was almost as hard to be there for that as it was for the service...and it wasn't easy for anyone...

the neat thing tho, was EVERYONE did get something! there was G-ma's fav quillo thing that she had said Patty could have...originally Mom offered it to me, but I remembered Patty or Judy really loved it (amazing I remembered ANYTHING) so Patty got it...she was...touched...okokok, she is touched in the head anyway she also took some stuff of G-ma's that I had been planning on making a baby blanket out of, but then told Mom she would make the blanket FOR me...and she was such a help to Mom and I in helping sort some stuff after most had Mom was able to donate/give away more stuff...

so guess what I am trying to say is, overall, it wasn't too bad...I do miss her pretty bad still...I keep thinking I can just go down there and visit, but it just isn't gonna happen...she is already here with me, but the intangable of it is...hard

Patty was here until this morning...and her and Mom had a pretty good time...after Mom dropped her off at the airport, she and I went to breakfast and got a few errands run, made sorta plans for the rest of the week, and made plans NOT to do much tomorrow other than sleep, clean a lil house, and get back together...

ah yes, and tomorrow we have a birthing class...and Fri is Mark's Fri off and I am really looking forward to that...he has so much been my rock it was hard to see him go back to work Mon...he has even impressed my Dad, which is next to impossible to do

we have all been touched by everything

something kinda quick to mention...something that I really lost it over at the Memorial service...Dr Ben was sharing about how much G-ma touched his life as well...about how much he always appreciated her praying for him...about how deep her faith was

and how even towards the end, she still relied on her faith to get her thru...when he came in to pronounce her, he said there was a slight smile on her face...she saw God, smiled and walked without fear to meet him...he said that is a rarity...that she truely died in Peace...

what a blessing...and now, after 3 days, I cry gonna go be held by my incredible husband...good night

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2002-12-03 18:20

just a quickie for now...not much time to say what I want too for today, but I did want to have this in my journal as well...a friend of G-ma and my folks wrote this during the Memorial Service and I really wanted to share it, AND I don't want to forget it either!

Parting Friends

As darkness hides the coming day,
We stand alone not knowing what to say.
Our thoughts instead we send ahead
To you as books waiting to be read.

We will miss you
Now that you’ve gone away,
You’re a part of our lives
Being stripped away.

There will be tears
In parting days,
Of parting words
And parting ways.

We wish you were still here with us
In this little town of old.
So we will keep you close to heart,
For close to heart is close to home.

The closing of a era,
the dawning of an age,
The ending of a saga,
The beginning of a page.

And though we can not see your face
And hear your laughter grow,
You are in a better place,
Where someday we will go.

Julie Meyers
In loving memory of Leatha C. Groft. God Bless and keep you in His loving arms.

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2002-12-03 23:36 back to our regular programing

so, plenty of not much has happened during the last posting (ok, posting before last), which has been...comforting in ways...Thanksgiving was pretty low key...quite a drastic change from was strange NOT having G-ma at the table...and NOT having to go thru the ritual to get her into the house...there weren't the often told stories...or the repeated questions...the repeated unending questions

and I missed that...the food was great...I did some, Mom did some...there were only the 5 of us (Mark's son came for dinner as well) and it was...quiet...ah well, was hoping the Reilly's were coming but....they didn't make it over

is still strange as well...I keep thinking I should go show G-ma...anything...or just call and see how she is doing...

got to talking to my Uncle last night as started out as a call to give our address, but ended up about an hr call about G-ma and how things was good to be able to tell him about some of the things we did right before G-ma passed...and I do think it gave him some comfort...I know it did me...I was at a point where I wanted to talk about it a lil more...I think they are handling things about as well as to be expected...and I also wanted to reassure him, and I didn't want him to feel burdened about not coming up more (after all, they really couldn't have afforded it!)...but overall it was a really good talk

but life goes on...and Brian still dances...

wish he would sleep more sometimes!

but he is at least healthy

oh a different note...I AM starting to do some serious baby-related all the 0-3 cloths the baby stuff packed up for delivery...sorted everything, got most everything else washable done as well, other than the crib stuff, which is mext...we also rearranged the nursery (again) and Mom got us the glider rocker we have been looking at...we went in today and got the sports-bra thing to do the possible water birth in, and the crib mattress cover (some of the last things left to get, not all, but getting really close!)

ah yes, and some really really good news...part of the nesting has rubbed off on Mark (DH)...he has been worried about my truck for awhile, which I DIDN'T know...with all its' problems and limitations (no baby, no airbag shut off on passenger side) we have been...sorta looking for a newer truck...something that would last for quite awhile!

we found one...oh my...a 2001 Toriador Red Ranger (loaded) first I was like no, is way too expensive...but, after quite a bit of negotiations (guess I still can do it, just wasn't ready for it) we got a pretty good deal...pmts are a lil more than I had originally anticipated, but doable...still has a few mi left on the warranty as well...and runs...great! Mark wants to drive it to....NO WAY BUDDY! MY TRUCK, NO TOUCHY! (think he is going to drive it to work Thurs!)

and I hope G-ma can see it...I really wanted to show it too her...not cuz she would have liked it, but cuz she would have made the appropriate "happy" noise over it...Mom did, and is good enough...but still...

so in some regards, it is a relief she is more health problems, I don't have to worry about it seriously effecting Mom's health...she isn't suffering...and after it got so bad in the end...

but I still miss her...she is still in my thoughts...more than not...Mom and I are slowly going thru some of the remainder of her stuff, and that is still...really hard to do...but it does need least I can help Mom with that...and the strangest things trigger the strangest memories

good ones...think I will hold on to those

's allright? 's allright...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

(this was a dream btw)
Posted: 2002-12-20 12:11

Well, finally….he came…have been waiting to see if G-pa would show up, and last night he did…it was a bit weird….did some touring thru some historical district…with some hockey players…went for a walk thru a swamp, yes, thru water but it wasn’t wet…Mark was there, and eventually Mom was there….and the hockey players were gone…toured some really weird stuff, but was kinda interesting so I let it go….then it morphed into a more family thing with Mom, Mark, bro and sis and that too was….a tad weird….and then G-ma showed up…we were all in a big room, and I wasn’t at all surprised to see her…we talked and laughed for a bit…and then Mom said we needed to pray…so we all sat together in a corner against the wall…Becky (sis) started it off…not sure where Phil was at that point, but I am pretty sure he was there, Mom started to pray…and then G-ma started to sing…Alleluia actually….and as usual I was a bit miffed cuz she cut me off…but, I just started to pray….I just wanted to say thanks for the wonderful husband God had blessed me with…almost started giggling as G-ma’s “bless his heart” was at the tip of my tongue (we used to tease her that was her way of swearing, she said it ALL THE TIME)…Mark had his arm around me on my right, G-ma to my immediate left, between Mom and I….don’t think I could touch her anymore tho, but that wasn’t bothering me anyway….am used to that sort of dream anymore

And then we all said amen, and he was there…he called to her…I whipped around and there was G-pa….looking at G-ma and held his hand out…she put her hand in his and they were gone…for once I wasn’t the only one to see him….and he certainly wasn’t there to talk this time…and G-ma didn’t need comforting…not this time…I have had 2 or 3 different dreams where I was the only one that could see or talk to him…and like this one they have all been so very very vivid…most of the time he was there to comfort G-ma, or was when something good happened or when I needed a rock…I remember so distinctly when there was a rough patch and he came to comfort….G-ma was having a hard time too…it started off where we were all sitting at the dining room table at Mom’s (the antique one) and he was there…I was talking to him, and Mom wanted to know who I was talking too, so I told her…and then he put his arms around G-ma to comfort her as well….everyone wanted to know where he was and I told them….he said everything was ok, that he loved G-ma and then he was gone (and I woke up)…THAT time no one could see him, but not today…

When it gets a lil later today, and Mom won’t freak when I call early (she thinks I am in eminent labor 24-7 now)…I will tell her all about it…was surprised last time I told her about it and she quietly asked if I had ever told G-ma about it…ya know I don’t know if I did or not…she said G-ma used to dream too…so weird…she didn’t tell me it was just a dream, she just got quiet…THAT was really weird too…wasn’t sure how to take that one…but ya know, it didn’t surprise me much either…

So anyway, here is a really strange end to the dream…I whipped around the room to see if I could catch another glimpse of them, but they were gone…and there was a huge empty Darigold ice cream box with Leopard ice cream in it…now THAT has me going…we have some good gag gifts…we as in Mom and I…I found some leopard print silk boxers for my brother, and it kinda got out of hand from there (have ya all seen the latest rage?)…we ended up getting his wife the lil slip nightie and slippers to go with it, and were having a ball shopping Weds…it has all been rather cute and fun

So, I sorta take that to say BOTH Phil and Kracinda were there…I dunno…I am no interpreter of dreams etc but…hey, is my dream…

so I wake up, and was all emotional…was sorta…different…like G-ma was actually gone then…but it wasn’t a bad thing either…I did start blubbering, and curled up with Mark…and he said what was wrong, bad dream…that really got me going and I said no, it wasn’t a bad dream…it wasn’t bad at all…and it took me a couple of mins to compose myself and tell him about it…and he says he is sorry I had a bad dream, and I said…it wasn’t bad…it was a good thing…I wasn’t the only one to see him this time, and started crying so very very weird…is all…I don’t know if he understands or not, but it WASN’T a bad dream…in a way it was a re-hello farewell sort of one…but it wasn’t bad…

guess we can be sure she actually did find G-pa…even with his being directionally challenged…good to see he doesn’t have that problem anymore!

will post more later...not a while lot going on...still pregnant...doing pretty good overall, or more appropriately doing well for being 9 mos preg...but, gotta free up the phone line!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2002-12-27 17:17

well, another day, more wind, but sunshine a lil this am...a most welcome change after quite awhile of fog...and I am STILL pregnant and it appears I will be for awhile...what am I, an elephant?!?!?! ah well, he is still CAN'T go on forever!

we had a pretty good week too...Christmas was pretty quiet...almost too quiet, but not bad at all...I found the ornament/tree topper I got for G-ma this mine now I guess...was a lil hard to find, but I still left it really not to my taste, but she would have loved it...was all that counted...I like it quite a bit now too so...all during the Christmas Shopping I would find lil things that would remind me of her...sometimes it wasn't bad, sometimes it was not good...and I do miss her more now that some healing time has passed...I still wish I could just call I call Mom instead...we DID do Christmas here we did last year...and I think that helped a lil...we went to Mom's yesterday and had a post Christmas dinner with good friends...we had prime rib Christmas, and Mom did a fantastic turkey

but the house was was so was quite...disturbing in ways

but we did have a good time with the Reilly's and the folks...the 3 girls were angels...and you can still feel the G-parents presence around us...we were cutting up quite a bit...trying not to inspire the girls with too many stories of our childhood...Dad and I just about went mano e mano over the pomegranite jelly...which was sooooooooooooo good! I ate a lil too much, which is still limited by my son who was somewhat quiet yesterday (this after doing the Watusi all Christmas day!)...Mark ate way too much...and we spent some time afterwards talking with the folks and making some plans...

and then Brian danced on...the girls were having a great time watching him...he did cut a bit of a rug for them right before they left...they can't wait to see him...neither can I for that matter!

we talked a lil hockey and it looks like after things settle down a lil the 3 of us and the 5 Reilly's will head to a hockey game...I can't wait! here is to hoping is SOON!

so, things are getting back to normal...slowly, but getting there...we have a game tomorrow (GAME ON!) and it will be interesting to see how well I can get to my seat! we have an apt today to see the midwife, and I am hoping she will have good news for me...and am glad to have my apt a couple days early...altho, I still know baby hasn't dropped...and on a totally different note, Mark finished wiring the garage, and we have an inspection scheduled for Mon am (hehehe I did warn they guy I was due any day now...they said they would call first )

and with the new hedge trimmers, I am going to go trim down some of the vegetation leftovers out in the flower garden if/when the wind dies of my too cool Christmas presents! Mark is home today, sounds like he is playing the flight sim game I got pretty great as far as I am concerned...I actually got the RIGHT one

sometimes I amaze even myself!

have decided to change my siggy soon as Brian gets here, I will get a good pic of him up...know how I want things to look kinda like moving on...I still miss G-ma but...she is still here, just not in time for things to change I think

so with that, I have run out of things to say I guess...I had plenty to say earlier, but the other half seems to be about as reliable as my due date so I will save it for another day

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2003-03-02 15:44

well, it has been ages and ages since I posted here...I really should stay on top of this more, but.....hey, a new Mama forgets EVERYTHING!

AHA...will start with a cheat post and paste my birth story here...and write more later...

I hope

For those of you that weren't there at chat, this is MOSTLY from Chat with Cynthia in Jan...speaker is prefaced...and anything in [brackets] are added later (like Feb 13) also the end note** will probably put it into my journal someday as well, probably after I get time to update that too!

Ghostess: hehehehe......OK! by Fri (Jan 11) it was rather apparent we weren't going to be delivering at the birthing center, Mark and I had it more or less worked out verbally...I was SCARED! and Cynthia was acting worried enough that I figured I wasn't going to cajole my way out of induction, and I was finally ready enough to be DONE
Ghostess: so ...we made an apt to go Sat am, or Fri if we could...needless to say we started Sat am...Cynthia and my class instructor met us there at the hospital, which we had had a tour of Mon before, so I for those of you that don't know, I abhore hospitals…HMO won't cover BC after 2 weeks over...
Cynthia Flynn: OK, I admit I was worried. The baby was still high and had been that way since Christmas. He had shown NO signs of descent to zero station. [I totally didn’t get that from her…Cynthia wanted to induce and was getting pushy about it, I was still stalling]
I was totally shocked, put out and worried when [Cynthia] wanted the induction done [Mark and I had talked about it, so] like I said, by Sat am, it was ok
Cynthia Flynn: Actually, it's the state law for birth centers and my national accreditation that won't let me go over 42 weeks.
Ghostess: aha...ok, well, I can see that on some we get started on the C something or another drug for induction and the first one didn't start anything…which I was warned, but was hoping for SOME sign the second didn't do much more, but had SOME sm contrax, nothing productive...pretty much the third went the same, altho they contrax were a lil more noticeable
Cynthia Flynn: cytotec
[by that evening, it was apparent it wasn’t going to work, and we all figured a fourth pill wasn’t going to do it so pitocin it was…we were supposed to start at 9 but wires were crossed somewhere….short version is we ended up starting at 10]
Ghostess: oh yeah, and we almost had an arguement on the iv thing, but I knew it was so not going to win that one so......[the argument was about which arm to put it into…I made them wait til last min on WHEN…altho next time the WILL NOT be allowed to put the iv in my right arm, period…something I regret extremely not sticking to even now, a month later…my finger and wrist still give me problems]
Ghostess: short version, we Mark and I walked the hospital, we talked C-section...which, btw, is also called a vaginal bypass, and I really loved that term! by the time they were ready to hook up the pitocin (10 pm), I was also actually more or less ok with...and was like ramp this puppy up, lets see what it does….was a of me, but....I wanted to see SOMETHING going on for they did increase the dose, but at a safe rate *sigh* 12, something DID happen...oh yeah, and at some point I remember Cynthia went and assisted Dr Perry with a vag bypass...
Cynthia Flynn: that was during the afternoon on sat when not much was going on with the cytotec
Ghostess: yup...I do remember that...and feeling really sorry for her and so hoping and praying I wasn't next!
Cynthia Flynn: me, too! She'd had two bypasses before, tho, and was just happy to have her daughter.
Ghostess: so anyway, by Mark called Mom close to midnight and she zoomed right over! [so back to my possible c-section] by then it was the healthy baby is where the time thing gets fuzzy...I can tell you what was going on, just not exact times...I remember things getting really intense...{changing things here as some things are missing} and hearing [Cynthia say turn up the pitocin]
Ghostess: I remember thinking.....whoa whoa whoa...wait just a min here! WHY? [this was the point I did know better than to “ramp up” the pitocin!]I also remember [I did finally] comment on it after hearing it more than once...[meaning DON’T turn it up more!]
Cynthia Flynn: The pitocin kicked in at about the same time I broke your water, around midnite sat/sun.
Ghostess: and I am pretty sure I remember being ignored...[turning up the pitocin]
Ghostess: ah yeah...sorry, still a lil groggy...that was after I found out I had more than one bag of waters and that the first had ruptured
Cynthia Flynn: what did you hear?
Ghostess: I thought I complained about you turning up the pitocin…I remembering hearing you and Amy whispering also and you refusing to answer as to what you were whispering about
Cynthia Flynn: She asked me how big I thought the baby was, and I told her that we don't ask those questions. I didn't tell her the answer. Amy was the nurse.
Ghostess: I remember asking for something to take off the edge (esp after hearing this could end late that day) but I did NOT want an they gave me Nubain which did take enough of the edge off for an hr or so...and Cynthia said I was dialated to 4 (time?) and was going to take a nap
Cynthia Flynn: about 1am sun I was hoping Cindy would, too, it had been a long day. And Mark
Ghostess: [she expected me to nap?!?!?!] but at least we were making very noticable progress [can we say LABOR??]...Mark was there thru the whole thing, and I gotta say, I don't think I could have done it w/o him
Cynthia Flynn: I second the motion on Mark--he was a rock!
[at this point one of the ladies said she had nubain and it didn’t do anything for her]
Cynthia Flynn: nubain is all in the timing in my experience. If you wait too long, it doesn't do a thing. [she said it didn’t work during or after transition]
Ghostess: so anyway, we labored for a bit longer...and I was feeling things starting to change and I tried to wait to let her sleep, but it was feeling weirder by the min, [the second shot of nubain didn't work] and I figured I had better call her back...was about an hr to hr.5 or so...and she said I could have many hrs left to go
Cynthia Flynn: since I thought she was just past 4cm.
Ghostess: and I was thinking I had already had second nubain and it didn't work at all...and hearing that...I said EPI! and they called him in...I should have had Cynthia check me first...but I was having a bit of a problem getting things out to ask…but she did [check me after we called him in] 1.5 or 2 hrs I had gone to 9.5
Cynthia Flynn: that-s 4cm to 9cm in less than 2 hours!
Ghostess: and I could feel him coming down FAST...and I was still struggling with what I had asked for...and then it kinda dawned on me....TRANSITION
Cynthia Flynn: She looked so peaceful, I would have never guessed. actually, I DIDN't guess! I was totally blown away when I checked her.
Cynthia Flynn: What a woman! [glad I impressed someone…I don’t recall being impressive]
Ghostess:[so at 3 something in the morning, the epi guy shows up and was informed that thanks for coming, but I didn't want one, and he starts in on how it might help with the pushing part...I remember thinking how effectively can I push if I can't think and then said "get him out of here" (ya know those split second thoughts of what the..?) I was sure I didn’t want one anymore, we were almost done!]...and appologised...I remember him watching me walk by and looking shocked...well, walking is actually a rather general I am on my way to the bathroom, cuz I thought I had to on the toilet, (yuck, I know) I was seized by the OMG HOW DO I NOT PUSH
Cynthia Flynn: after coming in at 3 in the morning. [I did feel rather guilty about getting him up and to the hospital at dark oclock…ok, for a second I did]
Ghostess: [anyway, on my way to the bathroom, which actually when I was seized by the OMG HOW DO I NOT PUSH] and asked if it was ok...and then almost couldn't figure out how I wasn't going to push, and ended up doing it anyway and thinking it was way to late...but OMG did pushing feel good...[I probably pushed 2 or 3 times before I realized where I was and I was certain I DID NOT want to deliver on the potty, so back to the bed I went] I gotta say between Mark and concentration and breathing it almost didn't hurt we started pushing with Mark on one side of the bed and me on the other, and squatting to the birthing ball...and ended up on all 4s on the bed as I was running out of steam...I remember snapping at Mom to take the pictures, which were wonderful btw....[she was supposed to be somewhat documenting the birth with the camera…something I had previously said was NEVER to happen…guess I forgot to tell Mom!]
I remember getting on the bed.... and could feel him crowning...
Cynthia Flynn: you should have seen that head of hair that came first! I mean, a real rug!
Ghostess: and then he would come back in...I remember saying pull him out by the ears...[hey, can you tell I have delivered my share of lambs? It felt like he was that far out, which I found out later he wasn’t quite that far. When he was crowning…I wanted to know if he had hair...he looks just like the baby in my first dream btw...only with extra equipment..(I had a girl dream at about 3 mos)]
Cynthia Flynn: Strawberry blond, but TONS of it before we ever saw head
Ghostess: I remember the ring of fire... and thinking it was not unbearable...[certainly didn’t feel GOOD, but it wasn’t all that bad] and then felt the tear... and Cynthia told me to wait a second.. she had to get the cord...[I know it was the tear cuz I could STILL feel the burning]
[and then she said push, so in I think 2 pushes the shoulders popped out] and I remember the shoulders were easy... [by far easier than the head! Btw, head was 38.5 inches in diameter, shoulders were 36…but what is 36 after almost 39!)
Cynthia Flynn: The pics are great, but DO NOT do justice to the hair. and has dimples!
Ghostess: overall I was really pleased.... and [Mark said I] had a great smile...and for a while they were cleaning, and getting him ready and would not bring him over…I asked for him at least 3 times and it started to worry me...[as in why WOULDN’T they bring him over, was something wrong?] Cynthia was also insistent to get the baby to the Mama...[Mark] was standing over him..
Cynthia Flynn: He was just a tad stressed by the whole experience, nothing serious. Plus I needed to evaluate Cindy.
Ghostess: and he started crying [now I know all about the sweetest sound on earth, esp after I was so worried about him].... and I was in tears..
Cynthia Flynn: Anyway, we got him over there, and then it was so beautiful, with Mark and Cindy holding this gorgeous baby and bawling like babies themselves.
Ghostess: [Mark] brought him over to [me] to hold.... it was surreal…[it still is to a certain extent] and I was thinking it was not that bad.. and I could do it again…[we actually talked about it!]
Cynthia Flynn: For me, that's what it's all about.
Ghostess: and I was soooo pleased that I had delivered him...oh yeah..I yelled WHAT when they said the weight...[with what voice I had left…it was shot for 2 days after that! I wasn’t quiet!]
Cynthia Flynn: That's 9lbs 13.4 oz. For a first timer, that is truly an accomplishment! [ya do what ya gotta, as long as he was healthy] [Mark had been typing for a bit, from here I will leave it from his perspective]
Mark: I spent the better part of the labor on the other side of the bed... holding her arms and hands.. and telling her she could do it..
Mark: She was soo tired and thought she did not have the energy left... but I knew she did ...
Mark: The head was 38 cm....
Mark: and cindy is glad she did not know what normal was til he got out...
Cynthia Flynn: I wish you could have seen how calm she looked when she was *flying* through those centimeters.
Mark: She looked almost asleep... but was concentrating ..[concentrating my…foot…I was doing my breathing and concentrating on NOT feeling the pain, which, btw, actually WORKS…esp with Nubain]
Cynthia Flynn: No, 38.5 cm at birth they said, but I measured it at 1 hr and it was 39 (average is 33).
Ghostess: the breathing technique really worked... and we had music playing...

**after they brought him to me, we were looking him over, counting fingers and toes (ya fall instantly in love with the lil fingers, toes and nails…and I was no exception…) comparing notes on who he looked like…and he picked up his head and looked at us….which TOTALLY BLEW me away…Dad had been sleeping in the foyer, and he came in to see us...after the stitches…and he and Mom went home so Dad could get a lil sleep…Dr Perry, the one Cynthia had helped with the vaginal bypass, stitched me up as it has to be done by a dr I guess…I also remember I had a 3rd degree tear…2 packs (??) of sutures…no clue how many stitches…they never did give me much problems or pain…I also had some “skid marks”…they DID give me problems…YOUCH…some of them were in the hood and everytime I went to the bathroom, MORE YOUCH! I was also a lil sore [muscles] from the birthing positions I had chosen, but I would have been no matter WHAT position I chose…I certainly DON’T recommend labor on your back…what I did used my stronger muscles…and I think were more productive, but each to his own! We DID finally get a lil sleep…after they brought me breakfast (yuck, hospital food)…I took a shower shortly after lunch (more ew hospital food, followed by the stew we had brought the day before), which felt heavenly, and started cleaning up to go home…Cynthia showed us the breastfeeding twice…once in the morning, and then again that eve after the nurses had me all screwed up! She did get us out of there that evening…so technically Brian didn’t spend the night (other than safe in Mom)

I would definitely say I had a good birthing experience…there are only a few things I would change…I had a Great Midwife that I had tons of confidence in, and fantastic night nurse (cute too! Strange I would have noticed that…her personality reminded me of my sil.) the day nurses weren’t that bad…and for all my hospital phobias, I survived! Still, I do hope to do a birth center birth next time

And yes, there will be a next time, but not til Brian is much older! Say in 2-3 yrs…but for now, I have a beautiful baby boy…who is learning so very fast already…he amazes me every day…

And I would do it all again

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2003-03-02 16:26

ok, for a lil more to add to my journal...many things have happened since my last "true" postings...for instance, see birth story above, I have conquered breastfeeding, I have made peace with my sister, (a later post) my husband has been laid off from his job, and we have been getting tons and tons of projects done!

but I want to start with the first two, the important stuff!

January 12, 2003 I delivered my first son, Brian Patrick James E. with the unfaltering aid of my husband (who was my rock, he was FANTASTIC, and altho I wasn't surprised, I was surprised he handled the blood and gore so well!) Mom was there (her first human delivery) in the room, and Dad was at the hospital (gotta say I was rather surprised at that!) midwife delivered Brian, which was very reassuring...overall it was...intense, exhilerating and tiring...and minute you are pregnant, the next you aren't and here ya go, a BABY...and I am like...blown is real, but it isn' like I was waiting for the real Mom to come get him...but oh my God, he was beautiful...not just I am the Mama pretty, but OH MY GOD I DID THAT? beautiful...tons of hair too...and, for as big as his head was, it wasn't a cone head...guess that is cuz he never dropped, and delivery was only 5 hours...labor, pushing and

so because both of us were healthy...oh yeah, Brian was 9 lbs 13 oz (as in almost 10!) 21.5 in long (not sure how accurate that is btw) with a crown of 38.5 and shoulders of 36...there was NOTHING little about my boy...even his hands and feet seemed a bit big to me...but I because we were both ok, we went home that afternoon...I had ABSOLUTELY NO intention of staying any longer than I had, we admitted Sat am (8 or 9?? I really don't remember), the pitocin admistered at 10, kicked in at 12, delivered at 5:19...he was fed cup style probably around 6 or so and was given 6 midwife was hoping both Brian and I would sleep...BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA SO FUNNY! like I want to go to sleep! we were busy going over our child...and he wasn't that interested in sleep either...and within an couple of hrs he was hungary as well, so we did the breastfeeding thing...Cynthia showed me how, and off she went (hey, SHE WAS tired...) so we are good to go, I finally took a bit of a nap, Brian wakes up and I go to feed begins the saga of my frustrations...the nurse walks in and says not to do it that way, that is wrong, do it this way...and I am tired enough and silly enough to listen to her (next time I kick her butt out of the room)...the day nurse totally had me screwed up, and that happened 2 or 3 times, every time when Cynthia gets back, I am a bit frustrated...oh yeah, and Brian's latch isn't very good we go back over things again and shortly after that we head home...think it or later? all I wanted was to go HOME...

so, we get home...any time Brian squaks, I feed him, and every time I feed him, he sucks 6 times or less and goes to sleep, and refuses to stay awake, altho cold cloths will wake him back up, it more pisses him off (not condusive to nursing) so back to Cynthia we go, and she said it LOOKS like we are doing it right...I think we went to her office 2 or 3 times that first week...and every visit Brian has lost MORE wt...but I knew SOME wt loss was I am feeling pretty darn good, and Brian is just too darn cute, so at 5 days old, Brian goes to his first hockey game...we lost btw...and he slept thru the WHOLE day 7 (a Sunday, btw), we are to head back in cuz Cynthia is starting to worry...but by now I am pumping and supplementing and I could tell he was gaining wt (he was getting back to his cheeky self and his slight jaundice was clearing out)and he HAD gained wt...and of course she had a cow that I had taken Brian out...

but, back to what I was saying...I was stressing out...I wasn't having much success in the breastfeeding dept...I wasn't hurting anywhere, but that was cuz he wasn't latching or feeding very soon as we started supplementing, everything started getting better...I started dreading going to apts...every time I had gone there was a NEW problem...Brian didn't poop for like 6 days, and that had everyone WORRIED...he got the myconium out in...4 days or so...and after that...nothing...wet diapers, but not near enough, and he was always a lil fussy, and getting on his first week b-day my milk supply was diminishing...I cried and raged...nothing worked...Mark and I fought a couple of times, cuz he was semi pleased to be able to bottle feed Brian, and I was pissed off he HAD too...and that he was PLEASED at me it signaled failure

oh yeah, did I mention I had flat nipples too? one thing after another...

SO...for the first 4 weeks of Brian's outside life, I was stressing out...eventually I rebelled, had 32+ oz of Dr Pepper, spicy Mexican food (yes, WITH the refried beans) and a rather pissy attitude

oh the gas...even the gas drops didn't work that made me realize a couple things...first of all, I COULD NOT have soda OR beans...but second that he was STILL GETTING BREASTMILK! so I decided to focus on making sure he got as much from me as he could, and that giving him formula was FINE...I needed to stop just saying it and live it...period

and the fenugreek started working, as did the extra water and the diet control...I also cut out the tang in my tea...and started pumping in earnest...and it started to work...

and Mom and I started talking, and it turns out G-ma's milk would dry up really easy, and that it was a lil thin...knowing G-ma she also hated the hassle, but still, voila, I had an explination on WHAT was happening and WHY it was getting so hard and feeling impossible

SO, I asked a gal on my board if she supplemented, and suddenly found out I wasn't the only one doing supplementing AND pumping...and found a really neat board on Yahoo as well...and I wasn't really makes a person feel so much better to know you have company...that you aren't totally weird...

so, Fri Feb 28th, we weigh and measure Brian...he was 14 lbs 6 oz and 25 in long

he cooed at us thru the measuring, he still hates being weighed! then we breast fed him before we left...and I relief

I felt like a ton was lifted from me

and today, I decided to write in my journal, and I remember how much G-ma was hoping for a red-headed grandchild

she finally got it...enjoy G-ma...suddenly I am hoping he stays redheaded!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2003-03-09 00:24

oh my gorgeous traitorous lil still red headed temper-flaunting lil boy

yes, he is getting a head start!!! this am he was pretty fussy...hey, he isn't quite 2 months so that happens, right? so ya start reading the books...omg, I forgot why I decided to stay away from them...everything is normal...yes, the dreaded N isn't spoken around here I am looking for answers to the crying thing and find this passage where it says some babies NEED to cry themselves to sleep...I can't really do that effectively yet, and yup...he KNOWS it...

but I did eventually figure out wht his problem was...he was lookin for Daddy...the bear had gone into hybernation and for once didnt get up until 10...he looks and is acting soooooo much better! not that grumpy at all today! so after he got up and ate etc...he took lil mr fuss budget who happily played with Dad for awhile and I got ready

called Mom and found out she was almost on her way...and she and I and the wee one went Olive Garden first (omg that was sooooooooooooooooooooooo good!), then to Michaels to get Marks stuff framed (2 prints from Christmas 2001) and then to Sears...broke out the stroller...learned a very valuable lesson today too...God created strollers for a very GOOD reason...we won't leave home w/o it again!! he is way too big to attempt to carry him for too extended a time...and he was a perfect angel too...didn't fuss or complain at all, and was looking around all bright eyed and impressing all we came across (who wouldn't be impressed by me beautiful son?)

ran into a friend of mine I have been trying to catch for a couple weeks...we yaked for a bit, that was great too...finally headed home at 4 something...Mark had the prime rib going...he did a PERFECT job, it was omg wonderful too...I finished off the rest of dinner...oh yeah, and made lobster tails for Mom and Cory...Mom and Dad's b-day were a couple weeks ago and I wanted to do something special, and Cory brought the 3 girls (no Maurice, he had to work) and we had a BLAST...holy moly it was crazy but so much fun...I want to do that more more more...Dad got here at about 6:30 and we ate by least I think it was 7...we all gorged ourselves...Mark and I don't do the lobster, but Mom does and I got that right as well, she was sooooooo thrilled! to explain the lobster thing, Mom called Thurs and asked if I had an albertsons card, which I didn't...asked why and she said they had the tails on sale, so Fri we went, got the card, the prime rib (at 3.59 a lb ) and it was faaaaaaaaaaantastic! and got 4 tails

needless to say we had a great time

it was also one of those soothing things for DH...we were supposed to go to MT to see his folks, but Thurs am, as we are packing the truck at 6 something to head out, his Dad calls to say they are having a snowstorm and is nasty from Cour De Alene we checked the MTDOT site, and nasty the whole way...Mark bailed, it wasn't my decision, but I am so very grateful we didn't make the attempt! we are going to make an attempt later tho...

and got a bit o good news too...Mark has a VERY promising lead on a of they guys he used to work with gave him a glowing recomendation and emailed him to say it looks "very promising" and "stay tuned" and as I can see this is one of the places Mark really wanted to work! so the great part of us not going to MT might be the realization of a job

anyway, before Mom and I went out, she was complimenting Mark on the retaining planter thingie Mark had finished off...he has done a really fantasmic job too...Mark has joked that he has done more since he was laid off then when he was working in some ways he probably has, and it looks...professionally done...and he gets to spend tons and tons of time with Brian...something I am sure I will have to deal with when he goes back to work and Brian is looking for him but for now I enjoy the help and the sleep!

ah yes, and after everyone clears out today, Brian starts fussing again *SIGH* tried a couple of things, and he doesn't want to settle down, so I told him I was going to put him in the crib, then did and he LIKED it...that is ALL it took??!?!?!?!

oh yeah, and now that he settled down, and more or less went to sleep, Ken shows up...I forgot he was headed over after his Mom's psycho gf can have time to herself...ah well, that is totally a different story, and not going to post that here now...and Brian wasn't going to sleep in there anyway, so it isn't any problem, he sleeps in our room...didn't think he would go to sleep anyway, so...

and, as I type, I think I can hear him waking up...that works too...gotta get going!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Posted: 2003-03-19 23:50

well, another day goes by...not a bad one over all either...nothing that new to post on the Mark job front...other than he is getting plenty of reassurances that he will get the, sometime tonight we will be heading to MT...we are getting packed and ready to go, gonna get some sleep and head out when Brian goes back to sleep! we figure we are better off trying to run while he is asleep...I will crash as I can on the way, and try to relieve Mark somewhere along the way...I am not sure we will make it in one day or not...that depends on the decib level Brian achieves and Mark's raw nerves...maybe we can just drug one or both of them ?

so anyway, the reason for journaling today is I need to get something off my chest...I am really starting to hate going over to the house I grew up in...we went over today for a bbq with the Reilly's and the folks and we had a great time...for the most part...I am still so hormonal...Mom has been searching for a good pic of G-ma to draw...she has some pretty good talent for it too...if her heart is in she has plenty of pics of G-ma was of G-ma holding my cousin when she was little...the pic is about, oh, 5-8 yrs old I guess...and I was struck with it isn't Brian, and it won't ever be...all I wanted to do is to open the closed door and say hi and see how she was doing...but she isn't in I walked away from the we had dinner and I concentrate on conversation, Brian (who was being really good) and FOOD...we turned on the ceiling fan for the wee one who was instantly enamored...what IS it with him and fans?!?!?! had some iced tea too and oh my I remember how easily addicting that is! and then ya gotta go...and by the pics I go Dad (G-pa now, wow...that means Mom is G-ma) is playing with my son...I can hear the Reilly trio playing in the background of my mind...Mom and Cory are chatting away and the guys are in the living room talking...who knows what over Brian (the testerone was flowing...) and as I close the door, I can smell her powder I do my thing trying to think of the sheep, my son, my dh...the weather...anything other than bawling my brains out...I am trying like mad to catch my hormonal dragon by the tail and not doing so headed back to the kitchen and my must be psychic hubby meets me halfway and holds me...just past the closed bedroom was getting close to time to go home anyway...I get my strength from Mark, he is my rock...I can honestly say I don't think I could live w/o him...I sure wouldn't want I went in and talked to Cory for a couple, asked Maurice a couple questions and we head home...I found a topic I could distract myself with (my stepson) and Mark runs with it...he knows, I don't have to say much...I have tenuous hold (hey, I spelled that right first time!!!) on the least for now...

we did have a good time...we talked lots of things today...from my niece to my childhood and what Brian will probably be our trip to MT, the girls' latest happenings...we all played with the wee one who is getting so very big so very fast...and I still feel G-ma around us...and Brian dances on, and we are so blessed...I can't complain...

so, as the dragon playes in the field of my heart, I pack and get ready to build a relationship with Tank's other Grandparents

and I hope and pray he will have that special bond with all his Grand Parents as I did with goes on...let the dancing continue

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

egads...not that I have a long journal or anything, but it is like 30 pages in word! HOLY MOLY!!

not too much is changing here, other than my lil mooseling weed is growing at an unbelievable rate...has been just about a month since my last posting...we had an...interesting trip to MT too...drove straight thru

OMG that was STUUUUUUPID! (I LOVE some of these new features!) :roll: we won't be repeating that, ok, we did it both ways, but....yes folks we are talking 14 hrs on the normally a 12-13 hr trip, but hey, we got a NEWBORN on board!

but we did have a good time in was very cooperative for the most part...while there Mark got a call for a job that never materialized...not cuz they don't want him, they were seriously lusting after him! the contract fell thru tho :cry: I get a feeling they are still trying to figure something out for him, we will see....I pray he finds a job soon...I love my husband, but I might kill him if he doesn't go back to work soon...I love my husband I love my husband I love my husband

so from a post elsewhere:
Brian slept thru to 3 or 3:30 and Mark decides he has to "rescue" him and save me from having to get up...HELLO...thanks but I can't sleep on these two rocks...same as yesterday, same as last week, same as last month...I gotta get up to pump...but I WAS falling back was starting to feel HEAVENLY until over the crying I hear him "not yelling" at my son...oh yeah, that will definately calm him down...he cries harder and I can feel my milk letting down...oh thanks, I am awake I go to pump and Mark is throwing a fit...scaring Brian AND me...and then he gets super pissed when I take him to bf him...HELLO...IS CALLED HORMONES! you ain't got em, and I am truely NOT YELLING AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGG

in my not yelling stage I realize Brian actually isn't truely his problem, or part of it...the bottle is no where near being warm, let alone where Brian likes, he is "not yelling", and giving him a "not cold, it WAS warm" bottle and expects rainbows and sunshine??? I THINK NOT...gave him a few secs of the breastmilk, at which point he is all but back to I stick the bottle back to him and he goes at that half awake for a few minutes and is out like a light

and I tried to explain it is as much a routine thing as it is a hormonal thing, (Brian is used to me getting up first), and he goes on and on about how Brian is controlling me...A 3 MONTH OLD??? OH PUUUULLLEEEEEEEZE! so now we are having the mother of all pissing contests...and as soon as Brian wakes back up (amazing how easily I put him to sleep)

and we are back to I love my husband I love my husband I love my husband

but things have more or less calmed down...I am dying to get some pics taken of Brian and I and I think Mark has agreed...Dad is going to bring his 34 mm over maybe Fri and get pics of all 3 of us...oh yeah, and got a pic to post! Dad finally got his dig camera to dump the pics! what a riot...

notice the swollen ankles, the double chin...hey, who is that good looking man with the beanie cap? man he hates we got a pic of him in it (HELLO, you could have taken if off!! :roll: )

so anyway, a day goes by and I guess I am not near as mad at him as I was this am...he is still being a lil of a poop, but not having a job can do that so I need to be more forgiving I suppose...urg...

other news, Mom and I are supposed to go dig up a bunch of bulbs Fri (wrong time of the yr I know, but hey, ya get what ya can) and I am really looking forward to time away from home and Mark and IN THE DIRT have found that going to Mom's isn't as hard as it was at first...I make myself go in the rooms and Mom has stopped closing the doors...AND there aren't pics everywhere...turns out she was trying to put together packages for everyone...I might help her do it, would be fun!

okokokok...GOTTA RUN....I have to eat sometime
edited to shrink pic

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

oh....several days of extreme hormones....and it looks like I finally have the dragon by the tail....seems they are settling down and I have no clue why, and I am certainly NOT asking questions (until it comes back)

and amazingly enough Mark has survived it, AND this after a day and a half of trying to pick a fight with me....I should be sainted for NOT killing him! but then Weds Mom and I finally went and dug up those bulbs (got a ton of violets, 3 colors, and daffodils)....this is after she gave me some of hers that were taking over....and I got iris (dwarf, yellow and purple) and I also got the lil pond in so I guess maybe you can call it dirt therapy Lol hey, it works, who am I to complain?

that and I have been doing a lil gaming...ya know, killing things...that seems to help as well

but on a different note, I am NOT psychic...but, I get...hmmmm....feelings of impending doom? maybe that is why I was in a bit of a nasty mood...figured out what it was today...ok, confirmed it DH's "honest" first son, who is 20, finally confirmed what I have been saying from day make a long story short (and I think to paraphrase from somewhere else) Kenny is moving out on his own...he was living with his mother and her "roommate"...ok, her psychotic gf...and I do mean psycho...she needs more then medication and therapy, she shows definate signs of needing (forgive me, is 3 am and I can't sleep and can't remember the word)...committed?? she is one of those folks that will be a victim for the rest of her natural life cuz she doesn't want to let it go...she is a total man hater to the nth degree, and that includes her lover's son (my stepson)....

but I totally, to make a long story short, since we live out in the sticks (oh? I can show him a wheat farmer that is the sticks, we are still in city limits! but we won't go more like he won't follow the rules, like clean up after yourself, CLEAN YOURSELF, be in bed at a decent hr, get up at a decent hr, help around the house, and the rules are the rules and not made to be broken or ignored) he WAS living with his mother...aka egg donor...another very long story...anyway, to make a long story short, he has been run out of dodge by psycho who thinks it is high time for him to be on his own....btw, he has a very part time job and is going to college...and he and his egg donor has allowed this...never mind his now roommate cannot hold down a job, never mind his now roommate also has some serious mental problems and is taking meds (or was/is supposed to be)...never mind this could really become a problem, he decided to move out on his own

ug...and egg donor has the balls to suggest maybe we help him out

NO...NOT going to happen...the brutality part comes in here....Kenny has out and out told DH that he was NOT moving, nothing new to report, and that was a week ago or less...DH has warned him not to and why...a very long laundry list why

and now DH has to let him make his own killing him and worrying me...I know EXACTLY what he is about to do...I did it at 19, and that was like 18 and 7 mos not almost 21, but still, he has NO clue what he is getting himself into, at least I did...ok, a whole lot bigger clue worries me about his safety (another very very long story), his college and actually finishing it (which will be near impossible the way he is headed, he just hasn't realized that), and how finances will work short, Mark and I are going to have to have a talk...cuz his son will end up with credit cards, and we will NOT be bailing him out...he is more than welcome to move back in...where I have no clue, but we will make it work, but as far as giving him $$ to do exactly what he said he WOULDN'T do on his Dad's specific request he NOT do, not going to happen

and I see it causing a huge fight down the line with Mark and I (Mark is my DH, btw)...cuz he is gonna want to bail him out...if Kenny (SS) wants to be a man, he needs to deal with the consequences of doing called life

so now I can't sleep...I know the road he is about to is rather bumpy...good lord, it isn't even a very primitive road down a very steep cliff even tho it is not my son, I can see what my parents went thru...sort of...

and here are the consequences...we will no longer be paying for his college...we have been so far and he hasn't been very focused at all...we will no longer be providing clothing for him...we will not be paying for any of the following: books, accessories, electric (bill or deposit), water, garbage, internet, computer parts, rent or deposit, phone, food or facilitating a car...altho at this point his aunt might be getting him one, we wwill also not be paying for repair for said car...he is also currently taking the bus everywhere, a plus for him (I hate busses, never rode in them...they make me sick!)

these things Mark and I discussed...the college was his idea...not fact I almost had to sit down (seriously) when he said it first time as we had fought over it before...I have no problem with paying for college as long as Kenny applies himself, goes to class and gets descent/passing going to be quite an eye opener...the things we will help on are lil things left over from Mark and I joining 2 houses into one...we have some odds and ends he can have...mostly kitchen stuff and some towels and stuff, but we won't be running out and buying least that is what Mark has said so far...we will see how it goes from here

all this, no sleep, over a silly boy who thinks that he is a man...he hasn't realized this WILL make him one and how far from manhood he actually is...I worry about him...probably because I know what it will do to Mark

who IS sleeping... :roll: so is Brian...I should try to head back to bed...I am so tired, but as soon as I hit the bed, man I wake right up...too bad I can't plant in the dark...and I can't clean up either, I am no quiet cleaner so that is out as well...

on a different note, some good beautiful son is growing like a lil weed! he can all but sit up on his own...he likes to stand up and look around and is getting better at that fact he can rather effectively launch himself upright if you aren't paying attention...can be, well, painful when he hits the groin just right with his feet, or my chin...he is so alert, has learned to stick his tongue out too...which is more cute cuz he will stick his tongue out and then smile/laugh...ok, he makes his happy sound

Kenny was over last Thurs and he was trying to copy us making faces at him...and as soon as he stuck his tongue out, all 3 of us started to laugh and he totally had all our undivided attention...he picked that up real quick and does it at will now for anyone...esp G-ma and G-pa,..he still gets the same reaction so he keeps doing it...makes for fun kisses (YUCK)

and with Mom's connections I have got a ton of violets (one of my fav flowers, pretty care free and will spreak like wildfire), daffodils and iris for free...and I mean a ton...and we have been making real progress on the landscaping...and I have kidnapped Dad's digital camera so I hope to post some flower pics on the gardening board soon...the dirt therapy really has helped a bit...and oh my it looks wonderful! now if I can just keep the grass out of my flower beds...*sigh*

will give Brian things to look lil horticulturist/farmer in training...he loves plants and being outside

he sure is his Mama's lil boy

and he dances on and long as it isn't in my flowers, he can dance forever!

edited cuz it is almost 4 am and there were a couple places that needed editing

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644 is almost 11...Brian is asleep and I was hoping to journal today

feeling pretty good, but also deflatedly tired...had a busy day, to make my journal easy to find tomorrow, I should tag it while I have it, right?

*sigh* this Mom things is wonderful, but OMG it can so wear a person out

it would be better if I actually keep loosing wt, but it seems to be stopped

and with that, I am just about to head to bed....I need to get something to drink and get Brian to bed

back for more hopefully tomorrow (or soon)

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

HEY LOOKIE....two pages!! good Lord I am long winded! it is a couple of days later then I had planned! man between the ever pressing need to kill the bad guys, planting and cleaning (yeah, like that has any place on the list) I forgot about my journal

I am trying desperately to remember what I was going to say!

think it had to do with all the "free" plants I got last week....more than one batch at that too! here almost 2 weeks ago, Mom and Cory (good friend) and some other ladies went way up to the sticks (I should have taken Kenny, he would have been impressed)...actually they import the sticks from the sticks they are so far out there...up on the hill...beautiful view too

but I digress...the girls went up to get a bunch of plants for the Lower Valley Pregnancy Center almost annual plant sale (meaning they don't always get it together for every year) of the orchardists' wife had thrown out some violets in the orchard and it took root, so she encouraged it....and daffodils...oh man it was gorgeous! so they had dug up a bunch of plants...and of course they had iris and a bunch of others...

and they said Mom and I could come back and get more...I had supplied the pots (I donated like 30 or more pots) I got lots of of my fav flowers anyway...and then Sat the 26th they had their some Thyme, Naked Ladies/Resurection Lilies, Peonys Lily of the Valley, Garlic Chives, Iris, and a bunch more...I paid for some...and then Mom stopped in when they were closing up and "helped" them dispose of a bunch...

so far I have all the violets in...about 5 or 6 grocery bag the daffodils a ton more to go and flower beds full of a creeping grass (not sure which one, it isn't crab for sure)...nothing like a lil dirt therapy...and Brian is deeply in love with my flowers...all that color and I pulled a bunch of grass today, planted the last of the violets, some decorative grass, finished the rocks around the pond...and pulled a few weeds...not too long outside...Mark had Brian so he was happy...I am very tired, but feeling really good

and tomorrow Mark has another interview...this one is in Umatilla...quite drive from here, but a job is a job...he needs one bad...I need him to have one bad...we are still doing fine between the unemployment and the severance pay....actually we are doing more than fine, but, as much as I love that man, HE NEEDS TO GO BACK TO WORK

on a different note, I am still moody/hormonal to an extreme...I so have to fight my wants out and I am usually spoiling for a good fight and have not been fighting nice...and that is with me trying my best to just shut up and let it go...I feel like the wolverine like I bare my claws and shred as I like killing a fly with a sledge

what the he!! is wrong with me?? I haven't had to do battle with my dragon like this since....years ago...been having some nasty dreams too...holocost type ones...and no one seems to care either...meaning in my starting to think it is a stress thing...I am worried about Mark getting a in us having to move...I am not ready to do that like I need my dirt therapy (oh yeah, and tanning) just to stay beautiful lil boy is on my last nerve too...he is teething...oh goody...I have to be so careful...I am so tired and I know Mark is keene to something being wrong...he has started to hover as well...

and to top things off, I am also worried about a friend of mine...her ex b/f, the sperm donor of her son, keeps either beating her up or sending someone over to do it for him...she has so many problems, and I am not sure how much longer she can hold up...she also just lost her protecter...her large German Shepard...who used to try to eat said b/f on a regular basis...she is also on state assist...she does have it really rough and I am afraid of what she might do...she can't live with her son cuz ex has tried to kidnap him before...I guess the beatings started before she found out she was preg...she kicked his butt to the curb right before she found up...he beat her all during her preg...her son is now over a year...

I guess at least I don't have it that bad, but still, I worry about her...for the prayer warriors out there, please pray for her, she needs it way more then I do

ah yes, on to the Kenny saga...found out some of the conditions his egg donor had him living in...remember I said he was living in her basement? well, it is an unfinished basement...not so bad you say, right? heating other than a smokey windows (illegal btw), no walls...ah yes, and here is the kicker...Kenny is about 5'10"....the ceiling is about 5'6" tall...sheesh...when he first moved in he was upstairs in the spare bedroom...but see, psycho needed somewhere to go to take a break...or work out...or sleep when she gets sick...or they needed the room when they had the extremely rare overnight visitor (when Kenny came to stay with us)...never mind they have other places they could have used, no...they have to put him in the wonder he badly wanted to move out...sheesh...makes me feel like...crap isn't that bad here...whatever...

ah yes, and psycho g/f always has to have time to herself...have I mentioned this before? on a very regular basis...never mind she has the day to herself...never mind Kenny works on a regular basis and is in school during the day...never mind he and his egg donor go places often to give her " much "space" does she need? and WHY does she need so much "space"...makes a body wonder what she is doing...she has proven before she has no problems with this really gets my blood boiling...I feel for Kenny...I can understand his wanting to get out on his own, I did it myself...but I also know the hard road he is about to travel and I don't wish that on anyone...

so is hoping for a gentler, less stressful time...God please grant me peace with what I have, the ability to deal successfully with the obsticles in my way...and the ability to spell....and help me slay my dragon

or just slay it for me...please? and I can hear Brian and Mark...he is talkin to his Papa...poor baby...he sure is a good baby considering...may he dance on and on

and look G-ma....a red head! I miss you so much...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

oh yeah, not a good note to be posting on in my journal...I had one all thought out about who I see when I look at my son

and then we changed formula a few nights ago...3?4? whatever all hell breaks loose...we were giving him the follow up formula and STUPID me doesn't read ALL the in fat in it is reduced....

so after several nights of much less sleep and him suddenly not sleeping much thru the night at all, he just, oh I do'nt know, DOESN'T SLEEP...he is cranky...he is pissy...I am feeling violent...I want to hunt someone down at Carnation and HURT at 1 f'ing thirty in the morning I run to the store after I feed him the last of the breast milk mixed with formula and rice to make it stick at least until I get home...I try my best to ignore everyone else around me less I say something incredibly....well, rude, nasty, uncalled for...I try not too push the speed limit too far so I don't get pulled over, I fend off the almost overwhelming urge to run the motorcycle off the road (his dims were as bright as his brights, now I can't hardly see as I am almost night blind and it gets by far worse when I am TIRED)....LIKE I the tally so far is in the last 5 hours Brian has finished off probably sucked down 20 oz or more and that is unheard of...usually in 5 hrs he gets maybe 12 but nothing is staying in his system!

oh yeah, and all this, my shot is due and Mom and I are supposed to have our day out...this should be psychic abilities are picking up an early out for Mom....I hope Mark is smart enough to get up next with Brian lest I launch him out of bed...he is in sleeping away (or should be) and I am trying to calm down enough to go to bed....sheesh

well, is 227 least I have the potential of getting maybe 7 hrs of sleep....IF I can get to sleep...IF my allergy meds kick in soon...and, *sigh* if I get off the puter

at least my journal will be easier to find now...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

well, I am also a member of Mobi on Yahoo...I sent off an email in explination and thanks for some information that has been invaluable in bringing the quality of my milk is her email:

Measures to increase milk-fat:

Alfalfa supplements; green-drinks or capsules, green leafy vegetables.

Avoid ALL trans-fats and hydrogenized oil as in store-bought cookies, pastry, potato chips, french fries, most
packaged or fast foods, most margarine, salad oils and cooking oils. I would also avoid processed cheese.

Instead go heavy on butter, cold-pressed olive oil, sesame oil, walnut oil. And take both flaxseed oil supplements,
AND either a fish oil or DHA supplement.

Also - take milk thistle tincture before meals, or bitter herbs such as marjoram, basil, dandelion leaf, turmeric, to
increase the production of bile so that the fats are better digested.

here is my response:

thanks so much Hilary...I caught an earlier msg
with some of this info and already put some of it
into effect with some success...I cut all
margarine and replaced with butter and it made a
noticable difference pretty quick...I love baked
spuds and I put lots of butter (used to be
margarine) on them...I don't snack much and don't
eat much fast food (I weigh enough
already)...anyway, after a day or two my milk was
not near as was milkier...and Brian
starting drinking a little less overall (maybe by
an oz) but more than that, VOILA, curds in his

that's good news...and I am extremely thankful
for the information...

now for the not so good news...I am having some
hormonal problems right now, and stressing out
quite a bit dispite my efforts to calm
son refuses to nurse so I have been pumping
exclusively for a couple of weeks...last time I
tried to push the subject I was chewed on and
bruised pretty good...both milk
doesn't let down very well now, but if/when it
did on occasion it would almost drown him...made
him pretty why I tried only nursing him
in the morning when he was "starving" and pumping
when he didn't nurse...that worked for a little
while, but no longer...about two weeks ago, all
of a sudden I went from succesfully pumping 4 or
so times a day and getting 4-5.5 oz left side and
2-3 oz right side and feeding Brian more than
half breast mild to getting a total of maybe 14
oz a day...and that is pumping for 20+ mins
(which gets uncomfortable to painful)...I tried
pumping a little more to no avail and am taking
Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle which was working
(I ran out about that same time and only went a
day w/o taking it) and am/was taking it twice a

and my milk production is not even close to is still dropping...I figure I have
maybe a month to "nurse"...the pump I use (a
Lactina) is not can get uncomfortable
at times and I have to be careful not to set it
too high on suction but certainly not too low as
it won't get my milk to let down...

I am tired of beating myself up with my attempts
to breastfeed...I am tired of feeling inadequate
and am trying to focus on a successful
breastfeeding experience with my next child...I
am doing everything I can to keep giving Brian
ANY breastmilk...I asked my dr about domperidone
(sp?)and he totally stonewalled me...according to
my now or soon to be former midwife all I had to
do is totally take him off formula and solids and
feed him every 15 minutes...I didn't fit in her
lil box...I guess I am one of the unlucky few
that don't...that makes me very very angry...I
finally got help here, but it was still too Grandmother had the same problem...

I am so ready to give up...I feel beat up...I
feel like I failed him...I don't feel like I have
that much support from my husband, altho he will
totally disagree...I feel frustrated in my
efforts to continue, and ashamed and inadequate
if I I am trying to keep what lil I

SO, I do thank you so very means that
come next child, when my husband has a job and I
am not so stressed, I should be able to pull it what I am focusing on for now...I can
already see a difference in what I
am trying to focus on...I do appreciate everyone
here and the stories are generally very
soothing...I hope no one has the same problems I
do...good luck


I want this in my journal for so many reasons...if/when I get preg again I want to remember my frustration and my fix...I want to help anyone that might be watching my journal and in the same fix...

as for the hormonal problems, they aren't getting any better...I am still having problems with depression and rage...I mean a black/red kill something dragon is trying to get away...he is getting stronger...I don't feel like I can hang on to him on my own anymore...tomorrow if I am not too tired to remember, I am going to ask for help...I have no idea to ask...will talk to Mark first...then call my this point I am angry enough not to go to my midwife...I don't fit into her "just nurse him and everything will be fine" box...I am angry for so many reasons...I am not sure how much is hormones, but I do know I can't go on this least my anger doesn't extend to Brian, but it has to Mark...I am so frustrated and stressed out that he doesn't have a job....I am scared we will loose everything, altho we are light years from that, I am still worried...he has plenty of unemployment left, we have plenty in the bank and could make it months on that alone...I am so stressed out that I am dreaming some wierd psycho dreams...some are nightmares...some border on night terrors...I haven't had those in over a decade...I so don't need

so here is hoping next post will be back to my regularly scheduled routine...*sigh* stress...isn't it lovely?

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

well, here it is Tues and no I didn't call the Dr....what the he!! am I supposed to say "Hi I am Cindy and I am mentally deficient and what the he!! am I supposed to do now?" sheesh...or here's one "Hi this is Cindy and I want to talk to Kelsey about some meds cuz I am about to kill my husband"...I am full of them today...yeah, here comes the depression on top of the anger...figured it was on its

so, this am I wake up and go to feed Brian...for the last 2 or 3 days I get up and nurse him cuz...oh my...he WANTS too...but no, not this am...this am he wants Mom and dh figured he wants I get up and he is getting Brian to eat sweet potatoes...not a chance he is going to want to nurse (which he DIDN'T)...WHAT THE BLEEP IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?!?! we have NEVER given Brian solids in the he jumps all over me like I am doing something wrong...I well, sorta....well...psychoed all over Mark...chased him out of the house...or rather inspired him to find something to do far out of ear shot of his wife...good for his heath and he knows I finally get Brian, now not interested in nursing, calmed down (he hates the wash down after eating) and happy...let Mark do his outside thing for a couple of hrs...and then went outside to lay into him (as in now that you have done x you can come inside cuz I said so...nice, eh?) but I am so tired by now and worn down (still not sleeping so well) so I ate something and went to bed...didn't sleep well, but it WAS sleep

so I wake up in a still foul mood, just not as bad as Brian to nurse a lil (very lil)...but he was in a pretty good mood so I play with him for a while...Mark made me a sandwich (he was offering mongolian but I didn't want to go anywhere unless I had a body to hide) and took Brian so I could eat it..."Oh yeah, they called and want their pump back too, before I forget"

oh really...several explitives come to mind...oh sh!t I thought she had forgotten who had it...or was hoping so...all the wind is out of my brain is spinning out of control...I am not ready to stop my bovine stage...I am not ready to give up...I thought I was but definately am NOT and I CANNOT talk myself out of I calmly walk into the bedroom...lay down and bawl myself into oblivion...or try too...I can't figure out a way to fix this...pump rental is obscene around here, and the crappy one I have isn't for EP, just the occasional overproduction ease...I can't talk myself into sleep either...just an all consuming black deep depression...even playing with Brian didn't help much...I try to talk myself into at least ignoring it and pulling myself out of it...I usually can at least for the most part...I considered taking a really long drive as that has helped before but all of a sudden the thought of leaving Brian sounds so much worse...I want to be alone...but I can't handle it...oh my this is a new and nasty feeling...

so finally I told myself to do SOMETHING productive...I priced some pumps and asked my mobi group what they thought...hadn't thought of a rental thing and that does sound like a good idea...maybe I can talk myself into weaning in a month or two but with the way I am feeling right now he!! no...

so, a few hrs later as I came to grips with my "solution", I sat in front of the boob tube after my not hot in here but hey, even fat I like streaking...Brian likes it too...he was a bit fussy so I offered him the boob, which he was really pleased to take....and while he didn't empty my left side, he came pretty darn close...that is a first...and he was pretty pleased about it too...and nice about it...he did get a lil bottle, but that is normal...if I am only getting 4 oz max and he is eating 7-8 that is to be expected...

so now it is time to go to bed...I don't WANT to go to bed...I don't want to dream, and I don't want to have to deal with life tomorrow, but I am way too tired not too...I don't want to be touched and by now Mark is pretty aware of that...I am due to go out with Mom tomorrow, and while that sounds good, I don't really want company but I need that makes any sense...we aren't due to do anything stupendous or anything...maybe she can talk some sense into me tho...

so, here I am a failure...all this fighting to keep some milk from me for my son has drained me...I can't give up, but I can't keep going...this hormonal dance sucketh...for now it seems to be getting better...I am at least remembering to take my fenugreek and it does seem to be making a difference...I have found answers to my seemingly unique problems, but they seem too little too late...

as for the goes back tomorrow...Mark has graciously agreed to let me have the cowards way out and return it tomorrow my midwife will know I will not be coming back...she was great while I was pregnant but that changed after the delivery...I will use a midwife next time, and I still highly recommend using one (even her)...but I don't have a loyalty anymore...if you don't have any problems she would be wonderful...but if you are a weirdo like me....wellllllllllllll....

as for the next one, things will be in writing...everything down to the nurses at wherever I deliver, be it at hospital or birthing center...and afterwards I go back to my reg dr and that is feeling guilty and no sticking around....

so, now at just shy of 11 pm and seeing that I am not making much sense, I am going to try heading to bed...wish me luck and a deep dreamless sleep

I can sure use it

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

well, I did right back, I already forgot the stupid pill...SHEESH

oh goody goody...another pill to take...I am now on is supposed be ok to do with the breastfeeding, but alas that too is going to come to an end soon...on a better note, Weds night the phone rings and it was Cynthia (my midwife)....Mark had dropped off the pump for me, canceled my apt in Aug for an exam and shot and picked up my preg belly cast...Jen her assist knew sh*t had hit the fan and had a lil chat with her...she called and appologised and we managed to get things straightened certainly didn't help that I am hormonal, but I felt like I was being swept under a rug (my problems) or just patted on the head (so don't do that, I find that sooooooooooo offensive..downright rude and infuriating)

did I mention the hormonal part? so anyway, I went over what I had found out, what had been going on and the fact that mentally and emotionally I was crashing very hard very fast. we discussed many things from a different pill vs the shot to some testing to zoloft...I almost requested the testing, but since this has happened before and I have a history of roller coaster....I agreed to the zoloft

dam but that makes me feel like a failure...I can't control it...isn't like it doesn't run in the family....depression and hormones...I just feel like I should be able to get a handle on on zoloft I clue for how long and I am hoping and praying it isn't for long...just what I need, another

so I decided that maybe a big part of my problems were just my being hormonal....I found out a pump I could rent (holy schmidt, it is 55+ a month!! OUCH) AND it was the last one avail at the ONLY place that had any after a mad dash to make it before they close I have a definately well sounds funky but it works...I have a few of my fenugreek left, will be out of them in a week or two...and after that it just isn't worth that much to me...Brian nurses on a very rare basis and about a third of that time he chews on me or fights me...I am still fighting just to maintain what lil I have now, but I give up...enough is enough and we do NOT have the extra $ for the lactina...I will see what I can do with the double ease I have and if that isn't good enough then it just isn't enough...

on a different note tho...I have no idea if I am just on an upswing or I am getting psycho placebo effect but today I had a not too awful day...I also got up early but slept pretty still a bit tired and we were going to clean house, but I am in no mood to clean a thing and couldn't get myself motivated...I cleaned at the kitchen, but never finished it...I did wash a load after Brian yaked on it (hmm...unusual) and he was fussy today so I did actually spend plenty of time with him...and altho he was fussy at times, he was pretty happy when he wasn't and we played quite a bit with that boy sure is does make a difference to spend time with him....

oh yeah, and not only did i get to kill plenty of bad guys on the puter, the gopher war is going very well...hopefully we got the lil terd before he ate the arborvitae....but I did finally get him with the new trap we got...spent a whopping $8 on the trap but we got him before he wiped out 30-50 worth of bushes

AND we have been walking a bit...taking a trip down to the river and walking 1-2 miles...been great to get out, altho we didn't walk today...still, is good for me and Mark and Brian loves the ride...

so anyway, it is getting late and I still need to pump and shower...and check on Brian one more time...*sigh*

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

wow...been awhile since I have made a journal entry...but then that doesn't surprise me all that much...

well, not tons new stuff...just the everyday stuff...both my boys are asleep...the big one in our room the lil one in his lil grumpasaurus...once again there is a bump in his so not holding my breath that it is a tooth coming in...and Mark was saying it feels like it is going away again...harumph...I am not nursing anymore :cry: but still, this fake tooth thing is driving me nuts! ah yes, as for the nursing thing...we had a huge fight...I had Brian nursing in the am (the only time he would) and Mark and I discussed what to do next to keep it going...needless to say that was pointless as it only took Mark a week or less to screw that up and VOILA! no more nursing...I had to get to the point where I had to figure it wasn't worth being mad anymore and also decided that things will be written down in the future :roll:

so I give up the lactating thing...I started pumping for less time and didn't pump in the am...and then Sun night was the last time to pump...haven't since and I am totally amazed...I am a lil full/sore, but only when I pick up Brian and he does a major lil wiggle worm :shock: but even then it isn't bad and so far no leaking that I have noticed...if it does get bad I have my double ease...the lactina is going back soon...oh man is sooooooo nice not having to do that anymore!

and on a different note, on occasion I actually remember to take my zoloft...I forget it way more than I remember it too...I hate taking pills but I can really tell a difference when I don't take it...peachy

another thing, a good the drastic decline in plants needing planting around here! things are looking pretty darn good, altho I am still fighting the grass in the back flower beds....Mark and I are both so pleased...been taking Brian out to "supervise" too and he so loves being outside...he sure is his Mama's boy! Mark is also discovering a love for gardening and it seems he too has a green thumb...

and Brian...oh lil weed is growing up way way too fast...his coordination is coming together...he has what Mark is calling his motorcycle reflex (imagine reving one up) and this pretty constant arm flap...just like his Mama did at that age too...he is starting to smile lots too and laugh...what a killer...he is such a flirt...I look at him and I see so much of his Papa...his ears, his chin, his mouth and cheeks...his lil feet...but those eyes...they have stopped changing color, and the eyes I look into I also put mascara on in the morning...he has my eyes...the lil crease he has on the bridge of his nose if from MY Dad, and the red hair is MY Mom's...I look at my son and wonder at the generations that have gone before...that much is so great...every once in awhile I even see my grandfather (maternal) in his "sewious wook"...

and he definately needs another hair cut...he has this mohawk thing going...I keep threatening to buzz him with Papa's beard trimmer but Papa has said absolutely NOT...Papa has shaved his beard off for an interview a few days ago...that was quite a shocker...I liked that beard...and until we hear he has the job it is growing back in (I think...ok, I hope!)...he can't have it if he does get the job, but we will see

so, enough for the journal (more or less)...Mom and Dad are coming over for dinner...a last chance to see Brian for 3 weeks as they are headed to AK to see my sister and family...Mom says he will just about be in college by the time they get back he is growing so anyway, I have a lil cleaning to do and some preparations...oh man, steak, spud, corn on the cob, fresh peaches.......mmmmmm...we went to the farmers market this am...and with that I will go eat my lunch....

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

I hadn't realized it has been almost 2 weeks since last post! hehehe, was thinking it was more like 3 or 4! anyway....I reread the last post...that was on the 9th and by a week later I was pretty much dried up...I can squeeze out a drop or two if I work at it but not much more....guess it was just meant to yesterday we take Brian in for his check up and all went well...Dr said he is in the moose class (as in big as a...) which doesn't surprise anyone that has to carry him for more than a few mins

and then after the visit, the exam and the shots, they give you this hand out thingie saying breastfeeding is still best at this sh!t sherlock, just when I thought I made myself forget about it...whamo, I get nailed again...peachy...must be having some hormonal started Sun at church...our new pastor was dedicated...was pretty cool, I liked the service very at the end after we did the dedication we had a time of prayer...there was an elderly woman with her daughter helping her out and suddenly I am in the presence of my Mom and G-ma...OMG but it was so overwhelming...I was trying so hard to concentrate on what was being said but I couldn't so I left before I started crying...have I ever mentioned how much I hate crying in public? I feel so much sympathy when I see others, why should it bother me so much? they were directly in front of me and we all either joined hands or put our hand on the person in front of smell of a lil too much perfume...the silver white hair...I was transported back a was so vivid and unexpected...I was totally unprepared...I thought this was supposed to get better???

so we got home and Mark comforted me as best as he could...I was trying to get busy doing SOMETHING to take my mind off of it...was this time a yr ago Mom made the difficult decision to find G-ma an assist living apt...she was so overwhelmed...she felt so guilty in having to do so but it was also something she should have done for HER health far sooner than we did...I remember trying to make it something G-ma would enjoy...decorating her room, getting her lil things...helping her out...she was so matter what we did...we were "putting her in a home" and no matter how nice it was she didn't want to all honesty we found out later a nursing home may have been more appropriate, but that wasn't something either of us could have handled...and she so loved and was loved by the staff there...they were so patient with her...

and it wasn't much later than this that Mom went to AK for the birth of my nephew Seth (which was a day earlier than they made it up, remember that is when all hell broke loose...and was about not that I had my ultrasound and discovered my lil girl had a penis (strange, they aren't supposed to have those, right?) so I was having a boy...G-ma had guessed already and got it on the nose....she was always good at that...sometimes I am too (esp if it isn't me!)...does that make me psycho...oops, psychic? Lol

and Mom and Dad are back in AK...I am trying not too go back more than I need too...or if I do I try to make myself remember the better times...not that I am successful but still...I don't understand this sudden overwhelming...need to touch hold hug G-ma...I talk to her all the time...tell her all about Brian having G-pa's beautiful red hair...she would so have loved that...I tell her I wish she could have seen him and hope she I try to distract myself...sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't

so, for distraction (on a different note) I have been getting things done for I notice it is Mom this and Mom isn't like Dad isn't there, is more like I am not that close to him, but am very close to MOM (MomMomMomMomMomMomMomMom) anyway, one of the things I like to do when she is away is get something done to I call a good friend of hers and mine (Cory, I grew up with her) and we get one of the walls painted in the livingroom and the fireplace scrubbed you have ANY idea how difficult it is to scrub down a broken face brick fireplace that hasn't been cleaned in almost 25 yrs? :shock: but we got it mostly done...we decided to paint the utility room as well since another surprise she has is from Dad...a new Neptune set of washer and dryer....she has been lusting after mine for awhile...and one of the things I told her I would do is work on replacing the gaskets on the irrigation line...she was leaking more than she was squirting I think...NOT I went out yesterday and got things put back into place with the gaskets I got...figured it would take me an hr to an hr.5 at block...STUPID...very very STUPID...I look like a lobster...OWIE...yeah, that will definately take your mind off just about anything...and sore...I haven't horsed around with pipes in ages either...BUT...the leaking has more than diminished by 75% and is so easy to prime....AND I was able to add another stick of pipe...AND as soon as I replace the rest (I ran out of new gaskets on the big pipe) I can add yet another AND still have a sprink to water the lawn...Mom was totally thrilled...I told her at the very very least she owed me AT LEAST one Olive Garden dinner/lunch...I have since amended it to Mark and I....after all he watched Brian for me...and altho it hurts today, it felt soooooooooooooooooooooooooo good to get outside and get wet/filthy...the sun felt good to be in for a bit anyway...even if it was HOT HOT HOT out, tomorrow we go finish the fireplace...I am going to mow the lawn, replace the rest of the gaskets and Cory and I are going to see how far we can get on the laundry room painting...Thurs we go play on the water! oh man but even tho I hurt I miss the physical-ness of sure felt good...wish I had put block on :oops: oh well

so, I sit here contemplating my next move...Mark and I have plans to do a lil I am back to Walmart to get the pics and paint for the bathrooms, Pasco for gaskets...oh yeah, and before I go I am going to polish off the last of the sweet and sour stir fry.....OMG that was so yummy...still calling me now so off I go

oh yeah, and JD, if you read my journal, CONGRATULATIONS again...I am so very very happy things have worked out...can you send some of those good vibes my way? Mark still has no job....UG

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

I never ever thought I would say this.....I miss being single...and the sad part is I remember how much I hated being single...the last....MONTH has been nothing but a big after another....I don't feel like a wife, I feel like a sparing partner...a punching bag....and on top of it I am stressing out about $ and where it is going to be coming from....THIS I remember from being single...I remember crying because I was sooooooo alone....I remember thinking I would give anything to have a "normal" relationship...or a I found me one...and I broke my #1 rule...if in doubt don't....I really haven't regreted being married until I have saddled my husband with a child and a needy wife and an incompetant wife at that....I can't do anything right, just ask him...I dream really weird or nasty dreams so I always am tired...I have no fuse to speak, I am not totally in the wrong, but not in the right either....I can't take zoloft cuz it makes the sleep situation much worse...the dreams actually get MORE the hell did they manage THAT one?

so I figured I would take a good long drive and show back up around sunrise so Mark could sleep....hey, least I can do, right? I never lost sight of the house...all I could think of is Brian....yup, good ol separation anxiety in full force...damn I can't even run from my problems I head ok, cuz I do actually have something that will quiet my up in the cupboard behind the oil, behind the olive oil even.....behind the it the Rumple Mintz....damn I didn't remember that stuff being that least I have minty fresh shot did it too....dont' think I can take another cuz it really made my tummy heave...yeah, that should do it....will wait another 20 mins or so maybe I will try again....but it will quiet my demon....what a light shot and I can already feel it....UNFORTUNATELY I still feel...maybe I won't wait that 20 mins...but I must admit that only after a few mins I am already feeling the effects....feels pretty darn good...I haven't felt like this in awhile....I should get out more...maybe Liz or Yvonne and I should go hit the bars....we can go shake our fat butts and scare off all the men....yeah, that should do it!

*sigh* even tho the demon isnt near as noisy as he was, he isn't all quiet...well, I am off to do some garage cleaning and maybe take another shot....a Dr Pepper sounds good too...oh cute, there goes the typing...lots of deleting....maybe one shot will do it.....

sheesh..3 in the morning and I just can't go back to sleep...THIS SUCKETH

here is hoping that tomorrow's problems can be overshadowed by a good hangover...maybe I should take my bottle of booze AND some water out to the garage...

guess I am not that much of a light wt....I can still

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

wowza...amazing how productive a lil fighting can be! :shock: got the bathroom painted, have the ceiling and a lil trimming to do, but so far it looks pretty darn good...Mark sponged the master bath (yuck...we won't be doing that again, I don't like it!)....also got some more weeds pulled out of the yard, more seed down, and fought over where the sprinks go and when (not that HE has a degree in anything to do with agriculture or lawns or ornamentals or...)....what fun :x got a lil more of the garage cleaned out and some stuff taken to Goodwill...also got Brians room cleaned up AGAIN.... :evil: would it KILL him not to just throw all the clean clothes on the bed?

so next on my agenda is the ceiling in BOTH bathrooms, and then am going to start working on the laundry room....HE can clean the house...I don't want too...and I am not inclined want to accuse me of cleaning NOTHING, be prepared for me to clean NOTHING!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

well, a lil down the road and FINALLY a fight solved (awhile ago anyway)

ug...and yet still, nothing is normal...we think Mark has a job and suddenly I have my husband back...rather nice...still waiting to hear news but have probably at least a week to wait...and since then 3 or 4 calls for him...haven't turned anything down yet...still waiting...UG

and for the last couple of weeks I have not been feeling too good...headache and overall just not I ignore it cuz I really don't want to think about make a long story short, I have high blood pressure...all I have to do to make it better is eat less salt, drink less caffienne, and loose wt...BITE ME...don't you think I would have if it was that easy? sides, I like eating more than I like being skinny...I care but...I don' I am trying...taking some water pills (which btw aren't working) and trying to get excersise in...*sigh* like that is also trying to eat Mark is as well (he is in it with me which helps)...this DOES run in the family so it isn't any shock, just another DING...peachy

so anyway I am thinking tatoo...why not...been kicking it around for ages and Mark is amenable to it all figured out too I think (if you are REALLY interested see my Jan 03 board)...really liking it and made me feel pretty darn good to know I can still manage a puter...looks pretty darn good even if I do say so myself...dam but I didn't think I would miss working this much...still not even close to going back, but we will see...

and Brian is doing pretty good...growing like a lil weed...he was quite an angel last night at a friend's b-day party even up very late...he was making up for it has his moments...

and I still feel all run down...still having some strange dreams but at least they aren't bad ones anymore...still don't feel like I am getting much sleep and that is starting to worry me more and more

oh yeah, and how is this for a crock? I thought depo was the MOST expensive way to go for birth control...found out today NOPE...the patch is more! like 3x!!! OUCH!!! a shot is about 35-45 bucks, for 3 months

a patch for ONE month is 37 bucks! :shock: I about fell over!!! sheesh...guess we are going back on something different...I hate they say it isn't hard to remember it is just soooooooooo easy to forget!

well, gotta go...Mark Brian and Katie are sharing a seat and Mark needs to get something done..

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

wow...almost 2 weeks since I posted...UG...still no word on Mark's job, but I wanted to post this from my Jan board...interesting lil piece

*sigh* OH but I DO SO HATE it when life gets interesting...first off, I will start off with NO ONE WAS HURT...ok, probably some whiplash but so far not us....

so yesterday Mark made plans with Kenny (his first son) to take him to breakfast to take him to his eye apt (he has no car, in college etc etc)...

so there is this nasty intersection on 2 very very busy clogged double turn lanes even...we are waiting for the light to go does...we are 3rd or 4th or so car back...second car stalls (kid probably was driving a stick and killed it) and comes to a complete and sudden did the truck in front of us, so did we, so did the jetta, so did the subaru

we weren't going that fast...light turns yellow...CUSSING occurs just as I heard it...that sickening

I looked in my mirror to see the Rodeo had hit the Subaru and then into the Jetta and
and she hit us...not hard at all...luckily cuz we had all just been stopped for the light

there was nothing she could do...I still see her shouldn't bother me this much, but it is...she barely did anything to the truck...with the hitch and the higher bumper etc etc she wasn't going to be able too really...guess it is bothering me so much cuz all 3 of us were in the car...BRIAN included...on our way to get Kenny...I knew there was a reason I disliked Richland!

that damn kid shouldn't have been driving (the one in the front)...if you can't drive a stick OR if your vehicle ISN'T road worthy and you can't handle the car, you SHOULD NOT be driving...I got out got the lil Civic's lic # (not that he has ANY consequences) and chewed on him "YOU JUST CAUSED AN ACCIDENT YOU MORON?!?!?!"...he left...cop said he will call him about leaving the scene, but is all he can do...the 17 yr old in the Rodeo is considered at fault....looking into the sun with his 11 yr old sis in the car...

first day of school...the lil 11 yr old in the rodeo went to the hospital to be checked as a precautionary and was fine (we saw her and her folks on the way home a couple hrs later)...the 17 yr old driving the rodeo was really rattled and he and the woman in the subaru will def have whiplash, the gals in the jetta might too...we MIGHT, but I very much doubt it...

oh yeah, and is mostly some crunches but nothing that looked toooo bad other than the rodeo...radiator to fan to motor for fan thru radiator isn't good...was bleeding...Subaru back bumper was pushed into rear tire was the MOST damage...and get this...6 emergency vehicles...6!!! was 2 motorcycle cops (one just got off 3 weeks vacation), 2 ambulances (only one needed, the rest refused treatment), a fire truck (I have absolutely NO why they were there...precautionary? and the fire chief...we almost neede him to control traffic...when we pulled off to the park and ride we didn't give any room for the emergency vehicles ....SO, that was a total of 4 cars/suv's and 6 Emergency vehicles...

SO...that was my excitement for the week...I am so hoping and praying I don't top it any time soon...

on an up note...we got Kenny to his apt a lil early...of course not early enough to have breakfast first...but we did finally get breakfast at IHOP...was really really good...but at that point I was ready to gnaw off my leg anyway...went to the grocery store, took Kenny home and VOILA...all done...and I have absolutely NO intention of going anywhere in a car today...

so anyway...later in the day I am feeling very anxious, panic-y and just downright out of control...Mark is doing his best to make me feel better, but still... :shock: not a good thing! am supposed to get back into the explorer tomorrow and take my precious son to Mom's...think I will stick him in the Ranger...the thought of putting either of us into any vehicle is making my skin crawl...someone sure is walking all over my grave today :!:

and we haven't heard from Umatilla I mentioned earlier...the guy that was supposed to sign off on the offer (cooperate) was on vacation last week which makes life that much more interesting...URG

and tomorow Mom is taking Brian for the clue what we are going to do...maybe take a nap...but then we rarely sleep during nap time Dirol got some bulbs to plant as we can go get filthy in the dirt and then come inside...and...who knows...

and on ANOTHER note...what is it with the baby boom here?!?!?! I can so understand why my Mom didn't wait to have a second child...all of a sudden it is like....they are EVERYWHERE...and sooooo precious...makes me remember my lil mooseling at that stage...he is getting SO BIG and growing up SO fast...

I need some meds...I must be psychotic...okokok, dinner is not going to finish off itself...Mark just put the bread in and I gotta go set the table...made some WONDERFUL lasagna out of my home-made tomato sauce and OMG does it smell wonderful.....mmmmmmmm

oh yeah, please pray for JD...she is sooooooooooo close to getting a house....

another oh yeah...meds are working more or less for the high blood clue if I am loosing wt...not going to look...and no tattoo yet...waiting for confirm on the job but found tons of pics! lots of ideas too

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644


I am going nuts waiting for JD's housing answers.....OMG girl, I am so praying for you right now...what an answer to a very specific prayer...I need to excersise that more in MY OWN life!

not much new here...having the new Pastor and family to dinner so am a cleaning fool...having to wait for a job answer for Mark to next week at an estimate for the truck and OMG it is $1200 to start...I had to sit down...I was sooooo extremely was just the bumper! when they got it in tho they found a few other things...WOWZA...

oh yeah and Brian now purses his lips and then sticks his tongue out....oh man it is toooooooo funny...what a good day...ok, good couple of days...yesterday Mom took Brian for the afternoon and we did little to nothing...ok, we did SOMETHING and Mark has marks to prove it but still Blum 3 it was a very quiet laid back afternoon...then we went to Sea Galley for dinner...which was good, but not the fabulous it usually is, but still...I DIDN'T have to cook it! had great time with the folks, went looking at trucks after....we haven't had a day like that in ages! JD post!!!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

in a little over a week, I will celebrate my first b-day w/o my beloved Grandmother...the same G-ma whose birthday I just dawned on me this morning...I cried then, I cry poor DH is going to have NO clue what is going was one of those out of the blue things

she would have been 85...yeah yeah she is in a much better place, but today I am selfish...I want to go see her...I want to tease her, go out to lunch with her...oh God this was supposed to be getting easier and suddenly I am so raw...I can remember how cold her hands usually were...and that papery-thin skin and how it felt...and the smell of her almost always overdone perfume...and the it is just so I figured much of the bad has fallen away...I remember her more before her health really took a turn for the worse...I am thinking I will cancel my b-day from here on out...I can just stay 32 forever (ok, that brought on a smirk, she would have laughed at that)

she was such a wonderful person...I miss her so much...I am glad she is no longer suffering, but still...I just want my Gramma...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

wouldn't ya know it...I have a want to journal and the site goes down, MY FAULT, SORRY! :roll: urg...I missed't realize just HOW addicted I was :? until Hera was shut down...OMG I missed everyone!

so, what is lil man has 2 problem...what IS the problem would be the mouthful remaining to come poor lil man...he is also cruising and has a VERY fast crawl that is sooooooooo steady now...means less time on the puter for sure! on the other hand, it also means getting one of those "fences"...we need it, he has a love affair with everything he isn't supposed to be into, esp the outlets...worried he will find an uncovered one (ok, for now they are ALL uncovered, but we are working on that) or when we DO get the plugs in he can take them out...anything with a cord on it is also fair game :oops: and he is really taking exception to less than a week...more like 4 lil baby went to being a toddler...WAAAAAA....I WANT MY BABY BACK!

he is so big too...and he can show you too...ask him how tall he is and he puts both hands over his head (if they are both free)...oh yeah, and we put in an reverse osmosis system in so we also got some extra plumbing parts...he loves those the most...we promptly took the RO OUT when it sprung a major leak in the faucet...another POS I DONT need...we will be returning it...another major headache...I am still plumber in the house...Mark screwed it up...then he got a tad upset and me, in my hormonal and depressed/angry state I blew sky if fixed tho...and the drain no longer leaked...OMG he made a mess...guess who cleaned it up :evil:

so the anger/depressed state? brought on by some rather nasty news Sat early afternoon: no ID job...right afterwards Mark decides to put on the RO...stupid stunt might I add...he is ok with it...I am not handling it...

we also took the $$ out of his 401 to pay off the trucks and other misc
bills...and several months of the house we are minus 2 major bills, but on the other hand I have no clue what that will do to his unemployment...he was told it wouldn't do anything or it would null and void it...should be interesting...the higher-ups are saying it will be ok...we will see

and I still am having some problems finding a job myself...not that I am looking real hard, but about to take a nasty fast food job...altho, still, we have plenty of $ in the bank...I am just stressing out...neither of us ever expected his unemployment to last near this long!

but, on a different hand, he did get wind of yet another of the company's he has applied too as a contractor won a bid...they are waiting for something or another so maybe THIS one will pan out...not going to hold my breath

on a better note tho, some things are going has started, and since Mark bought the season tickets (let's not go there either) on the promise of one of the first jobs that fell thru, GAME ON! they are playing well...Mom and I are doing things together as well...we are hoping to do some canning and sheeping tomorrow or this week anyway...she wants to take the lambs to market Sat...and we are making plans for Christmas gifts...going to use the baby jars I have from Brian...yeah yeah, I know, I should be making it myself but it doesn't cost too I really sound like a spender, don't I? :!: lot of good that does also finishing off the laundry one corner all mudded, sanded and textured...oh yeah, and pulled off the wallpaper (that hadn't stuck well anyway) it shot today and hope to paint it yet another mess to clean up, but hey, at least I can put my pantry shelves back up! I hate the clutter in there...I should break down and go kiss up to Dad to borrow his table saw...make some real cabinets...will have to see

and still no luck on the wt loss...well, am not sure anyway...nothing feels like it is getting that much looser...but then I got some new jeans for my b-day (finally found a pair that fit, 18 longs BLESS MOM!) AND they are stretchy...a first but man they sure fit nice Wink would have been even better if they were 16's or if I really want to wish 13/14's...ah well... :roll: I can dream, right?

so, think that is long enough...covered most everything I wanted too...things aren't bad, but they sure aren't that good is looking forward to a good hockey season and the holidays...and spending time with family!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

oh much has changed...Mark got a job!!! Dirol and so far things seem to be going pretty well...a nice pay raise, close to home....ah yes, mroe shopping for me? he says no...what? eh? is that the wind :twisted: I am trying to take it easy...but HE got a new car! OKOKOK, granted I think it was a good idea...he did gt me a video camera...and we got some great pics of Brian...had them taken at Sears...see siggy Biggrin

and things have so changed here too...this Mom and boy thing is working so much better than I had expected...I really thought he would be almost unmanageble but he isn't :shock: he and I are actually getting along great! amazing how all the things I have been trying to do WORK! :roll: I can multi task with amazing ease...I clean the kitchen, Brian works on the rugs :? er, um...then I sweep the floor cuz, well, we live in the country and Brian buffs it with his butt :!: have been a quilting fool Brian in his lil fenced in area and for the most part is ok with it...until he finds a nono spot at which time there is NO MORE quilting...someone gets a nono talk and then there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and he reaches for it again...another nono and a count....1....2....3 pick him up, move him...back he heads...a count....1....2....3 pick him up, try to distract him...a count....1....2....3 swat, pick him...UG...he is one determined lil boy...just like his Mama...peachy...have had to count to three many times

is cute, Mark has never had to deal with this determination in a child before (wife yes, and recently, son, NO) he isn't all that thrilled with it, but does marvel at his one mindedness...he has a particular fondness for cords, remotes, the dvd player, dvd's, the covered outlets, drawers, cupboards...hasn't discovered the toilet YET, waiting on that one...curiosity is a great thing in a child tho...I DO like that!

but anyway, am working on a log cabin quilt...a big one that will be machine quilted on a long arm machine...I don't hand quilt or home machine king quilts anymore, and have absolutely NO intention of doing one ever again! oh yeah, and plenty of cleaning other than vacuuming, gardening, and spending lots of time with Mom too...oh yeah, and canning too...did some pears, going to do some jellies for Christmas...looking forward to it...and nap taking...even got to take a nap with him, think I may have been snoring and work him up....

oh yeah, and got Mark a couple of great presants for my lil spook...he requested a large pring bible and got him a great study bible, and then Ken ( that dss?) and I got together for pictures...all three of was FANTASTIC! I can't believe he went for it! will have another pic to add to my siggy soon...if you had told me Ken and I would be on speaking terms enough to do this I would have laughed! we went to Red Robin for lunch afterwards...that was pretty darn good AND is official, there IS hope for him! he IS growing up!! his Dad will be so killing me NOT to tell him already, but if I say we went to lunch I have to explain WHY...:roll:

so anyway, been busy here, things are going well, some things better than expected, some things are pretty shocking, but in a good way...

ah yes, and in the off chance you are reading this JD, I can't wait to get started on your project...ANOTHER chance to spend time in craft/fabric stores! ahhhhhh.....the torture! :bigblink:

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644


Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

oh my, I left so much out...most of which I can't remember right now...Brian is asleep and my bed AND the kitchen is WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!

I am on the puter... :roll:

ah well...really enjoying going thru my fabric stash...finding quilt tops (ok, found a half quilted one, a sandwich and a top, am not looking for more, but don't think there are more to find)...also many projects that I should get at...they would only take me a couple days a couple of them :headbang:

and got Mom coming over tomorrow to watch Brian so I can dig a bunch more stuff out of my garden, get it cleaned up and replanted and fertilized (ok, been working on it already...) and having a ball getting I am supposed to go to Cosco and might be naughty and head to the Big Walmart in Kennewick to check out their fabrics...will see...

and then is to Mom's to see if we can find some late season blackberries...goign to scour the countryside...for the juice to make jelly out of (with wild blackberries, the seeds are KILLER and there are zillions of them)...they are so sweet tho and Mark LOVES them!

and yesterday was having some "Mom time", mostly doing things needed doing, and ran into an old friend of mine...she looked great! last I saw her (years ago) she was in an abusive she is in a great relationship and you can so very much tell! am going to do my best to keep in touch with her...won't be hard as I go to Mom's once a week (or every other week) and she heads up here on a regular basis...she was as pleased to see me as I was her...found out we had more in common than either of us thought...she is/was having problems with rage she has 3 great kids too...quite a range in age but I think it would be great to see them...haven't seen the eldest since he was a tyke...and he is 15 now! and I got her phone # too...

and things are really settling down around here...for a large part even if I am not loosing wt it seems I have the food thing under control and am not gaining...jeans feel loose but they are the new ones so....not counting any chickens and don't have a scale...those are such nasty thanks!

and I am feeling so much more complete as a Mom too...I AM the Mama...I don't have to share (how is THAT for selfish?), he turns to me for just about everything, and he is starting to really try things out faster now that he isn't constantly being held or coddled...not that Mark isn't a great Dad but he was always thinking he was headed right back to work and trying to make the most of his time...I understand...oh yeah, and I don't feel guilty about getting on the puter at night or quilting even when Brian is awake...most of the time I have him, and it gives Mark his Daddy time...and he really reaches for me now too...not just arms up and thrashing, but a real reach...up and hands extended...oh my but that still thrills me to death! does for Dad too

and he is getting pretty good at the walk thing too...not on his own, but he is getting so very adventurous...NOT a good thing...his bonk factor is getting bigger and bigger...*sigh* and into everything still...

so, still searching my brain for what I was going to just there right out of reach...UG...and not too tired now, so kitchen it is...YUCK...

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

OH of the things...for all the pics, see here
gonna get a is what I am leaning towards, but not so sure.....waiting to see what "speaks" to me, but so far this one far leads the pack...really like this one!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

just what I need...11:42 at night, I have an interview tomorrow and I can't sleep...Max is outside and won't come to call...WHY THE HELL NOT?? I can't sleep already, why on EARTH does she feel a need to add too my stress? good news tho: been hearing gun shots, no coyotes...maybe they are all bye bye? one can only hope!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

peachy...last night on the way home from the hockey game, we had a close call with that new POS VW no one can TOUCH my Explorer with that foreign POS ESPECIALLY on the side Brian is sitting on! and I honked at him...he acts like NOTHING has happened...I almost hit HIM at that point and honked again...I am beyond livid...I see red...he still won't look at me...I honked again making wild gestures...I sure hope he was under the impression I was a bit peeved...he finally looked at me...damn right you had BETTER BE SORRY YOU PATHETIC WASTE OF AIR AND WATER!

ah....but we aren't done yet...we head down what we call the swamp road...runs along the river...down over the freeway, past Walmart...caught up with another falling apart obviously made someone mad enough to hit him pedal as fast as you can type car...he is doing about the same speed limit as everyone else, NP, right? yeah, RIGHT...only until we go from the 4 lanes in front of Walmart to the 2 lanes just around the 40 thru there and everyone but HIM is doing about 42-45...and he is SLOWING DOWN...wellllllllll..there is a DOTTED FRICKIN LINE THERE! as in PASSING, you got it, I PASSED HIM! he starts flashing his lights at me...oh yeah, pick your fights better you LOOSER...I braked, he flashed again...I slowed to about 25 mph, pumping my breaks...gesturing again (no, not flipping him off, but just to let him know that he needs to be ABSOLUTELY SURE he wants to mess with ME)...he stopped flashing...even dh commented about what an *insert explitive here* he was being...

so you would think that with that, our evening would be was SORT OF...we got home, I got online to check mail, and my bil says my sil is trying to call dh...he won't say much more...dh called his sister and found out my fil is in the hospital...nothing dire but def painful...something to do with a coloscopy and they found a polyp and a tear and surgery and of course we don't hear ANYTHING about it until fil is in recovery...what a crock of SHIT...typical, but that is bs...they didn't tell any of the kids when his Mom got terminal cancer until the end...talked to my smil and said it really ripped Mark apart that he didn't get a chance to spend more time with mil before she was out of it on morphine, please let us know what is going on BEFORE things get out of hand...whole lot of good THAT did...turns out that so far fil is ok, got him doped up for the night and we might be able to talk to him this weekend (he is supposed to be home)

SO...Brian is out of it when we got home, so he sleeps thru everything...the cars, the phone...and we headed to bed about 10:30...not too bad...and this in itself would be more than enough to ruin even a pretty good day, right? well, it hadn't totally...I DID have a pretty darn good day

BUT...OH NO...WE AREN'T DONE YET!!!!!!! Brian wakes up wailing at 12...I don't know why...thinking maybe bad I go to get him...diaper is full, but not overflowing...he is calming down quickly...he loves my robe...until I decide to change him...wailing recommences at a new record level and tantrum begins...get the diaper unlatched as I reach forward to grab the new diaper, he throws his butt in the air, exposes himself and showers my hair...not the robe thankfully tho...but also his sleeper, the couch...oh yeah...nice midnight feeding...and he is hungary, got a bottle in hot water for him, now just gotta find a clean dry sleeper...IN THE DARK...AHA...get it on him just in time to realize...NO FEET...I need to find the moron that thought it was cute to make ANY sleeper with no feet...then I must kill him...after I torture him for a few days...BUT...he is in wasn't that hard, right? gotta go find socks...AFTER finding the gates with my toes (good thing I have toes of steel, at least I didn't break them!), I head back to the couch...the wimpering has subsided mostly, got the socks on him, gave him the bottle...about half full (even I should have known better, WAS MIDNIGHT)...he sucks that down in no time flat...Stache joins us on the couch, a silent observer...Brian is STILL hungary, so I push the cat off the couch to get up

you got it...he scratched me on the way down...not too bad but DAMN that hurt! two nice claws down the shin...I went to make more milk...we have bottled water as we have a high nitrate problem in the well...hehehehe (note please the insane crazy woman laughing), I hope someone is getting a kick out of this cuz I was about to cry...THE DAMN WATER JUG WAS EMPTY

so....boy is awake anyway, put him on the floor, who promptly recommences wimpering, albiet quietly...go find the water jug...fight the urge to awaken and inflict very very serious bodily harm on DH who has PUT AWAY the bleeping water jug to replace the EMPTY one...after many minutes of searching it is found...get it set up and finish the bottle...


HE WENT TO SLEEP...put him back in the crib, washed my hair in the sink, put neosporin pain on my new booboo and crashed but hard...thinking all the time that all dh has to do is say ONE word and he will be not only in pain but NOT sleeping in the same room as me!

Brian slept until quarter past did I...Mark had NO clue what was going on...I was so proud of myself I didn't have to wake him up...I have to claim some small victory...I giggled crazily again this morning...Mark said I could sleep in Sat at least until he went golfing...think I will go console myself with shopping later...GOLFING...what was I thinking about when I said it was fine for him to go ANYWHERE?!?!?!?!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

OMG...yes Kym, I read yours too! and I just find him FREAKISH...boardering on nightmarish...YUCK...made me laugh tho! hehehe...I will almost VIOLENTLY search for the mute button whenever that STUPID freaky song comes on...can we say nail on a chalk board Lol

and so far the day is going sooooooo much least got kitchen straightened up a lil and working on the laundry room again..met Mark for lunch, went to the store and made arrangements for a friend to streak my hair...and a different one to perm least now I dont have to shave it off (A BIG BONUS!) things have calmed down...and I need to go get dinner started... for thinking of me!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

Dh and DS are sitting on the floor playing "where is it?!" THERE IT IS! can you put it back? is a chant for the last 5 mins and it is intermingled with squeels of joy....of all the toys we have, they are playing with a red cup (think is a dog food cup from Mom) and an empty thread spool...both of which has been his object of desire today

ah, does life get better than this? now dh is playing WAAAAAHAAAAAA with him (throwing ds in the air)...more squeeling...and just think, if you would have told me 5 yrs ago I would be married with a child, I would have laaaaaaaaaaaughed off...

and back to the spool....*sigh* ain't life grand?

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

a few things to add...this weekend was....interesting...ok, started Thurs...was SUPPOSED to get my hair streaked right after J got off work, or more was going to meet her, get the stuff, go to her house, get the hair streaked, BEFORE her kids got back from school/practice (whatever)...she didn't call, she was prepaid...I expected her to bail, called left a msg with her daughter saying YES I was PO'd, and that she WAS going to do my hair Thurs or she could just pay me back!...imagine that, she called right back (about an hr later)...third bleeping time she put me off...

Brian was being a poop, we decided to do it that night after got done! looked pretty darn good...Mom came over Fri and we got a couple things done, and I got more dirt therapy...felt good to get it done...Sat Mark went golfing, he had a blast...Brian was still in a mood...which of course cleared up a bit as soon as Mark was home...and Sat night we had a game (WHL hockey), which was a great one! we won in OT...played our hearts out...Sun we had Ken over for his b-day dinner, and I made a pathetic tools to decorate (fixed that today), but was REALLY good with strawberry filling...and then there was today...was feeling a LITTLE motivated, talked to Jules a bit, strategised some quilting, cleaned a lil here there which was promptly undone by Brian, Yvonne (good friend) made it here to perm my hair while Brian supervised for the first half....made it to Walmart and back in one piece, Brian passed out again on the way home and I did dinner in peace and straightened things back up...Mark called (late from work), turned down oven, did more wash...oh my was a busy lil beaver today! feeling pretty darn good about it too...tomorrow I am headed to Mom's to work on her irrigation pipes, then out to lunch and home to get something accomplished HERE...

oh yeah, and had a WONDERFUL wake up call this am! :sex: GUESS WHO SLEPT IN?!?!?! even with daylight savings the lil bugger slept until after 7!!! WOOOOHOOOO

so anyway, my lil bugger needs a bath, and I waited for Mark to get fun to do/watch and I wasn't sure so I waited...he is gonna go splash with his son, and I wanna watch...toooooo funny!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644 many things go on and I so rarely journal...this has been the month from hell...suddenly I am off bc...that's right, no patch, no shot, no pills...dayam but they make me so hormonal and I feel so out of control, so I am off of them, and I am feeling pretty darn good...thought I was finally getting this house thing under control...the cleaning thing...I am certainly no clean freak, but I was getting a whole lot closer...I mean the floors were getting moppped or vacuumed on a regular basis w/o Brian freaking out...the kitchen was clean and stayed that way for over a month...even the laundry room was pretty good (catbox and all)...Brian's room was a bit messy, but NOTHING was all that DIRTY...I am NO susy homemaker, but still...I am a damn good cook, and gardener, and my house at least resembles some sort of order...

certainly not that bad...

so anyway, Mark and I decided to ttc #2...Mark sprung that one on me at the hockey game and I about died of shock...I couldn't wait...I was so excited...but a lil aprehensive...then we start having fight after fight after fight, and not lil pissing contests, no, huge drawn out sleep in the other room fights...altho can't do that anymore, if Brian knows you are in there he is AWAKE and wants to play

then my puter gets not one but 2 or 3 virus (depending on how you interpret my virus thing)

and I got the last of my bulbs planted...and I got a babysitter to watch Brian so I could get the almost half ac of tumbleweeds burned...and then she came over on a Fri night to watch Brian so we could have a date...

we got home, Mark opened up the mail and got angry...seems the cell bill wasn't what he was expecting (a long story, not going into it, fixed in less then 10 mins on the phone, something he was asked to do eons ago, like Oct) and starts taking it out on me, then explodes cuz I got angry....something to the tune of "I can't ever get angry" and my response is yes you can, but you are NOT allowed to take it out on then the idiot goes to work and BLEEPING EMAILS me a hate letter.....OMG that is sooooooo stupid....he waits until he has a laundry list of complaints and then lays into me with a basket full of ammo, including how the house is ALWAYS dirty...OH HELL NO IT ISN'T! messy IN PLACES, but NOT dirty!

I am also worried about Brian who is suddenly TOTALLY clingy...and suddenly unsure of I decided that if I am not already preg, we are NOT ttc anymore...since I obviously can't handle one child and the house and yard, I certainly CAN'T handle two...

part of the problem is I m just fine at defending myself...the fight was then after a couple of days, he wants to go back to pretending everything is juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine...oh yeah, right...few days later we fight again, and things haven't been back on track since, altho he is back to pretending things are fine

well, they aren't...I am not even thrilled with sleeping with him right now...we have a "date" Fri for his company Christmas Party and I certainly don't even want to an outfit for it and all...

and I have until the end of the week to find out if I am preg or not...a part of me hopes for a child, a part of me is scared to death and a part of me is praying I am not...have been praying that God does what is best, but I am not much for talking to him lately either, but I do anyway....

and I would love to go back to work but there isn't anything to be found job wise, and yes, I have looked! and I also don't think it is the best for my son who is now velcro....he is so very very clingy!

so we will see...before I do go back on the shot tho, we WILL be having a discussion before I do, whether he likes it or not...

oh yeah, and to make things all the better, I talked to my friend and found out she may have knowingly exposed me and Brian to Strep... :roll: AND a head cold...Brian has the cold for signs of Strep tho...and I might have the head cold too :cry: or it could just be stress

man my life can swing so far so quick...there is a big part of me that resents being so dependant on Mark...never done that in my adult life, don't like it now!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

wow...just getting that out of system makes me feel better

just got my leather jacket in the an xxlg and it DOESN'T fit!! is the shoulders (of course)

so I guess I am on a diet...Mark is too, he just doesn't know it yet!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

peachy...another sleepless night...brain going a million miles an hr and no end in sight...guess I should lay off the sugar at night, eh? :shock:

man I am stressing starting to really hate USED to be my fav holiday but dh has fixed that for me...I used to be almost all done by, Sept but that too has changed...being a sahm will do that...I used to galavant across several counties in the that was fantastic to see lots of the countryside AND get paid...Walla Walla had a great lil t shirt shop where I got Dad's shirts, could always find something nifty for Mom in one of those lil hole in the wall shops...whatever bf at the time wasn't too hard either...

but I don't DO that anymore...I don't work, let alone drive hither and yon...I really miss that and don't see that happening anytime in the future either :cry:

I feel guilty if I spend $$ for Christmas...I feel more guilty if I don't...Mark makes great $ fact better than Dad at this point and that (to me) is sure saying something! but Mark HATES shopping, he HATES the expenditure...he gets pissy when it comes to decorating ESP the outside...and he has ruined it for me...we started fighting about it a month ago and are still bordering on yet ANOTHER fight, altho I am sure he has no clue what is coming, the damn gift is for HIM!...I am so SICK AND F'ING TIRED OF FIGHTING! over $, over the house, over decorating, EVERYTHING! I remember being so completely alone before Mark came along, but DAYAM, IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO UNCOMPLICATAED...and I am afraid I can't instil the joy of Christmas into my son....I don't want him to hate Christmas should be a blessing...not an arm twisting (ok, breaking)

and on top of this, I dont know wtf to do about ttc...I just don't know...all I keep thinking is Brian is too young...WAY too young...he isn't ready to stop being the baby yet...oh yeah, and still no first I was on a 28 day cycle, then it jumped to 26, then I went off bc and was due Weds or Fri depending on what I went on...and of course I DID blow a stupid test to find out, TWO in fact! both bfn...that would stand for big f'ing NOTHING...I am get preg or not to get preg...I WANT ANOTHER BABY! but is it too soon? what about Mark, he says he is getting too old, but on the other hand, for that matter, I feel old so I dont think HE isn't really an age thing, it is a we are too damn fat is an out of shape thing

and I hate being fat...50+ lbs over...and on a diet that Mark makes extremely difficult to be on...yeah, it is just a me and porportion thing, but does me a world of good to watch him endlessly snack, or bitch cuz HE is gaining wt too....HELLO...YOU IDIOT, EAT LESS!!! that boy can polish off enough for 2 in one sitting, cuz it is "so good" so I make less, and he complains there aren't any leftovers to take to work, or I make more so he HAS them and he EATS THEM THEN! so.......?????!!!!! and then there are the cookies...those damn ginger snap cookies...gotta have em tho, cuz he can only eat a few of those and he needs something sweet...



so anyway, I am trying to cut back, and so close to Christmas no less...and I crave things now...did I mention a bfn? but the cravings are normal this time of year...I will spend the next few months searching for WHATEVER it is I crave and the following summer eating it...lucky me it is almost always something healthy...unlucky me Mark hates having the same thing over and might actually be turkey this year :roll:

and it is midnight...peachy...I can't sleep...gonna so pay for it tomorrow...stress, what a wonderful thing

and I feel so overwhelmed...not just Christmas either...just life...keeping the house in some semblance of order...keeping the bills down, trying to figure out what is for dinner...speaking of which I should probably head out to the garage and get a pig roast down...just not sure I want to go out in the cold...oh yeah, and another thing, guess who is headed to Spokane Weds? ya would think I have NOTHING better to do! but I told a friend of mine I would buzz her up so whe could fly out Thurs am

I don't want to go anymore...I wanted to go shopping and finish things off, now, bah humbug...gotta fly down there, do some EXTREMELY fast shopping, fly home in time for dinner and a hockey game.....



note to self, make a post on the WA boards.....

I love going to Spokane...would LOVE to go with Mark...he doesn't wanna...we COULD have finished our Christmas shopping ages ago doing just that...or to Seattle to see my brother and sister in law but nooooooooooo he doesn't want too

bite me

I do....ok did....

and I miss my husband...this new and better paying job has him out of the house ALL THE F'ING TIME...and my language is suffering...just noted that, but right now it suits me...

damn I am hungary..., but back to the job

he works Sat's all the time, just found out he doesn't HAVE too all the time...all those late nights, all the weekends...I hate it...I feel like a single parent...take today....was looking forward to going to church (with this filthy mouth? maybe better we didn't) and spending the day with him, maybe decorating, maybe going out, MAYBE NOT...but no, he let me sleep in til 10 (bless his lil pointed head) while he kept Brian up playing......HEY NUM NUTS, HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED FOR HIS AM NAP BY 9! not when you get to it at 9:45...with me he is almost always asleep by 8:30 and is UP by 10 so we CAN go to church....but no, he is dizzy....well DUH...if you would have taken better care of yourself, this WOULDN'T happen! he joined me at 10, didn't get up until after 1 when I told him to get up...I was already upset, so much for spending the ONE day we had yes, for the record, I AM PISSY FOR A REASON

so I decided to do some myself...threatened to go elsewhere at one piont...yeah, think he knew I was upset

but it is done...we went and got hamburgers for dinner, ok, I got one, he got chicken strips...doubt we will go back to BK anytime soon...damn cheap lids...spilled half my sprite in my lap either due to cheap lids or it wasn't put on right...I hate most fast wasn't that good either...what else is new? anyway think it might be a grease and sugar high keeping me up...hoping I will crash anytime soon, but not feeling it coming on

so anyway, I got a call from my sister today...she was looking for a divinity recipe...only ever found one place that makes good divinity, and that is See's Candy...mmmmmmm...we talked for quite a while...she said I need to invent a new bc method after I told her what I had been thru since I had Brian...think I impressed her that I hadn't killed someone...ok, Mark

and she said something that really made me think about the doesn't get any easier...she said if I want another child, waiting isnt going to make much of a difference...and I do want another child...I would love to have many more, but SHOULD I? I mean, who am I to possibly inflict my hormones on some unsuspecting child? I have plenty of flaws, do I really want to pass that on? maybe I should stick to just one...I don't know...but I HAVE decided not to make a decision until this cycle thing is definitively figured out....period or not...I really need to wait anyway I guess

I retest next week...will make some sort of decision then I guess...I still think it would be great to have a "summer" baby...ok, I think it would be great to HAVE another baby....who knows, maybe I am already and just not high enough levels...maybe if I am not I will break down and do the o tests...

who knows, maybe I will just go on a killer diet and then Mark can find me irresistable and I can have quads or something :roll:


Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

maybe I need a good antidepressant...maybe I should try st john's wort as I am not going outside currently...or at least much!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

or maybe love going tanning!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

am watching the end of the Joy Luck club....OMG how depressing...not bad, but if it has a really bad ending I am gonna be pissed off

but I finally know exactly what I want for my son...a quality like BLAM WOW...THAT IS IT!!! I don't care about money or power or fame, I want him to have a quality heart...

oh sheesh...I am bawling again...Good ending too...

and just to proof that I can't let make an exceedingly short post in my journal, now I shall commence rambling! :roll:

not much new in what, 2 days? ok, something a lil new...wanted this to live in the anuls of time (or is that anal?) yesterday didn't start out good at all, but what do you expect when you go to bed at 1:30?!?! so day starts at 7 and it isn't a good start at all...felt NASTY and I am sure my bp was way up too...Brian wasn't in a great mood either...didn't go down til almost 9:30 for his am nap....grumpy...and into EVERYTHING...and Mark, bless his lil pointed head (PLEASE, SOMEONE, ANYONE!) put the lil tiny lights for the tree in the bottom drawer...yeah, the one I have been threatening to clean out for ages...and yeah, he was "kind" enough to put a drawer lock on it, Brian can STILL get his hands into it

and you got it, into the him pretty quick...was 99% sure it was just a base and got that right out of his mouth...NP at all...he drank the rest of his bottle and FINALLY went down for his nap

here is where the problem starts...I told Mark about it :bonkself: so at noon he calls

he was freaking out on how Brian HAS to go to the, finally convinced he will have a heart attack if I don't at least CALL the dr, I CALL the dr, who said the er word to which I responded NO...she said going to urgent care was a better idea first, but.....urgent care said they wouldn't see me so I called Mark back so we could have a fight and I could hang up on nice of him to be so accomodating, right?

the edited version goes like this: 2.5-3 hrs later in urgent care guess what, THERE IS NO LIGHT IN THERE!!!

YA I called Mark back to tell him everything was FINE, told him next time he gets a hair up his ask me no questions (remove k-n) HE can take Brian in! and then had the oportunity to hang up on him again, and took it after I informed him I was going out for dinner with or without him, and if it was without HE was keeping the lil grumpasaurus (yeah, like he is going to be charming after several hrs)

so, Mark got home ON TIME :shock: and I enjoyed a rather tasty guacamole burger BY MYSELF and then did some running around

went to bed at 9ish...slept thru the night...aaaaaahhhhhhh feeling rather good this am

got a bunch to do today tho cuz it wasn't done yesterday....ah well, at least today I feel human...

oh yeah, and EVERYTHING was cleared from the bottom drawer and I put the lids etc in there for my lil explorer to find...he should be happy...Mark wasn't but all I have to do is psycho on him again...all will be


Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644


well, I have good/bad news...I am a week late...HOORAY FOR ME, right? so day before yesterday I am like OMG I AM A WEEK LATE!!!! :party:

then I am like, OH SHIT, I AM A WEEK LATE!! :doh:

and I roller coaster between :bigsad: :doh: :bonkself: :shock: mixed in the a very occasional Dirol

and then I am like I really wish I could take my zoloft...and I DID take a test Mon or Tues am, it was I am like, nothing like a lil stress to make a body freak out, right?

and then yesterday I had an almost migrane hurt bad enough that I was flushed and I finally called the dr and got an apt Weds afternoon late...OMG my head was about to EXPLODE! and I thought, hey, since I am here.....take a blood test, right?

*sigh* well, nope...bfn...big fat the confirm today...good news is my blood work was just fine...blood pressure was ok...

and I think I am majorly relieved :thumbsup: :dontknow: :rollingeyes: :question: it isn't that I don't want another child, I am just a lil stressed out and think I need time to get used to the idea...which isn't a bad thing...esp that I am NOT preg...maybe after Christmas...but AF is going to have to show up sooner or later...either that or I will get a bfp soon enough...

like Mark said, we are fooling around unprotected, and when someone does that, usually someone ends up pregnant

I should ask him if he has taken a test lately :roll:

so anyway, am praying like crazy that I get zapped when the time is right...but for now we are just going to fool around and have fun!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

I had a really neat thought this am...IF I time this right, I could have a baby on my b-day and then I wouldn't have to "do" it alone...hmmmmm...that sounds FANTASTIC

headaches are....drum roll.......TENSION!! good news is at least I know WHAT they are from, bad news is well, until the tension goes away, I have a headache


man all the journals I usually read aren't!! HOW am I supposed to snoop if no one posts? and I miss yaking at JD and Jules...want to get things started but not feeling inspired or confident to do that yet....need to recheck the list too and make sure I have everything...

and on a good note, Mark and I ACTUALLY COMMUNICATED...we are both working on it, and so far it is working like a charm...and he is pretty much done with shopping so he is calming down too...damn I could just shoot him....I need to REMEMBER we are canceling Christmas next year!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

well here it is a few more days past, and things have settled all happened when Mark made an offhand comment about work and what was wrong...and why he was spending so much time at work...he is afraid of being laid off we are up until all hrs of that night and got lots and lots of stuff talked did that feel GOOD

AND to make things that much better, we both finished our shopping off and with THAT load off, we are both feeling much better...he is still stressing over work, but I am NOT...they love him over there for good reason, and I have been doing my part to help him see that and he finally is...I don't have a bad feeling about this job I did about the last one...yeah, he is still working more than I like but at least it isn't to avoid me! which is what I thought in the beginning...

so, on an off note, I almost was forced to take vengence on a biatch in a pt cruiser with my truck...if I didn't GRAPHICALLY know how much it would have cost me in the long run I would have :evil: I was trying to get out of her way in the parking lot to get out and she cut me of by parking right in the path I was taking...I pulled the truck up close enough for her to know JUST how pissed off I was and let her have it...yeah, like either of us can hear each other inside our respective vehicles but she sure as hell knew just how mad I was and just how much I was considering actually hitting her...BUT, Brian WAS in the car, yeah, I wouldn't be able to afford ANY insurance after that, but OMG it would have felt soooooooo satisfying...I got close enough that she wasn't going to get out THAT I said, I was a lil pissed off

like trying to shop in Walmart on Christmas Eve is going to make things easier to deal with :roll: I was after decorations, but that was INSANE!

so anyway, I made it home safely w/o going back to key her truck...finished getting things cleaned up...did a ton of decorating waiting for Mark to get home...and I had asked him to bring KY puck and he did, which was not too bad.....I DIDN'T have to cook and we DIDN'T eat on my pretty table! Mark went out to fish the garland out of the garage and couldn't find it...hehehehe, it was right where he left it with x-mas garland tattoo'd on the side...ya can always tell when HE writes it, I do NOT LIKE X-MAS...I like Christmas!

and after saying all that....guess who finally got the Christmas bug?? BOTH OF US! we got the house looking really nice....everything is as done as we are going to get it today! and it looks much different than it did this am...and dinner is officially planned out...ya probably don't want to know, is extra fancy! prime rib, twice baked spuds, shrimp, salmon stuffed mushrooms, carrots, homemade bread (Mom's doing), and for dessert, lemon dessert, pound cake and or pumpkin pie...OMG we are going to be so stuffed tomorrow!! oh yeah, and pomagranite jelly for the bread, made by Mom and I (quite awhile ago actually!)

oh man I almost forgot...the Mad Cow thing...was thinking the other day I sure hope it isn't a friend of mine and her hubby...they are dairy farmers down in Mabton...yeah, Mabton, where I get my bummer lambs, where I have worked, and yes, where that "alleged" Mad Cow was residing...btw, has anyone noticed it isn't confirmed yet? they are STILL waiting for confirm from UK

they spilled the name of the dairyman today...I haven't seen her in years and didn't know the name of the dairy, but I did see her on the news...NOT looks like it IS their farm...I need to get ahold of her...she is definately in my prayers...if you think of them, this could for sure sink anyone...and it could cause enough stress to break people...please keep them in your prayers and thoughts...I am so worried...

good news, she is as cute as ever...I miss her...lost touch with her when we both moved...hmmmmm

so anyway, things here have even keeled...a wonderful thing

so I am off to watch the last of OCC with DH and probably hit the hay...he has been molesting me all day so maybe tonight I will actually get some!!


Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

OH MY....I guess it HAS been awhile :roll:

well, a few things have happened around here...least of which, MY SON IS WALKING!!! :party:

he started on Jan 2 (and this is for posterity)...for a couple of days anyway, then HE all together quit for a few days, and then VOILA, up he goes

I had come in from shoveling snow, figuring Brian was going to be up any second from his am nap...he did and I picked him up and played with him for a few...he wanted down so I put him on the floor standing up...he let go of me totally...looked around like...where should I.......? and then took 5 steps...stopped, looked around like OMG and sat down VEEEEEEERY carefully...I made a HUGE deal of it with hugs kisses and squeels and he is like, MOM!!! so I sat back down in the rocker and he came over to the "body getter", stood up (for better access, obviously) then turned around and walked a few steps to the couch!!

AND THEN NO ON WOULD ANSWER THE PHONE!!!!!!! Mark was out of the office and Mom didn't answer the cell, so I called her land line and she finally answered

I about went nuts!!

so now here it is a couple weeks later and he is practically chasing the dogs down on a regular basis...

and of course we did have a b-day party...complete with decorations and, of course a for him, one for the rest of us...he is quite a lil cake destroyer too! ate some frosting, some cake, and wore most of it...we had a blast, got tons of pictures AND video...even Ken showed was great! we did request no presents...we all overdid it at Christmas, but the grandparents got him stuff anyway (no problem!) and his "girlfriend" from the hockey game, aka babysitter on occasion, got him a really nice insulated shirt...

ah yes, and as of Jan 15 he has 4 teeth, an extreme attitude, grumpy as all get out, and looks like 2 or 4o more coming in...however at this point NOONE is allowed to put fingers in the mouth to check it out...and feels like fangs to me...just can't check! even asleep he clamps his lil mouth shut :roll: ah well, nosey Mama needs to leave him alone

maybe we will get lucky and my happy go lucky easy sleeps thu the night and makes motherhood easy boy will come back tomorrow...I do miss him...this lil grumpasaurus is driving me and Mark NUTS...he even spent the night with G-ma last night...I missed him bad :cry: and he missed Mom in particular, but Mom and Dad really needed sleep...Mark has a cold tho and altho I did get a LITTLE more sleep, Mark still isn't getting hardly any...who knows, maybe he is having sympathy pains with his son Lol

and still nothing on the ttc front...still not cycling, altho I thought I was earlier...was cramping a lil and felt like af was here but alas, nothing

maybe I should jump Mark's bones...ya know, just in case :twisted:

yeah, like he is going to object

now if i can just get rid of this headache...I hear :sex: is great for that tho!

gotta run, need a shower and some sleep SOON...esp if Brian is going to wake up later....will have good pics to post next time!

oh yeah, good to have you back Kym...hope you settle in soon, and you can still borrow my cat!! (my mighty Tut is a wonderful hunter!)

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

oh man...had a real blast from my past today...all of a sudden there was an inquiry from an ex bf...strange but comforting I guess...he just asked how G-ma is doing...I lost sitting her bawling my brains out...just put Brian down for his nap and noticed I had a msg....was...blown away...just totally blown away...he said he would have come down had he known...before we ever dated we were pretty good friends...he was a really good friend to just about everyone, but totally sucked as a bf...was a long distance relationship that we both should have walked away from long before we did

not sure what to do about it either....we are sitting here yaking is kinda awkward too, but not far nothing he has said is unexpected or anything to start a fight (that is rare) insults, just like it was before we were dating...we gave the "friend" thing a shot but I think he was still to angry with me, or whatever (I really had/have no clue what crawled up his butt)...and was ALWAYS trying to pick a fight and/or cause problems...Mark finally said it would make him feel better if I cut him loose and it was the excuse I was looking for...

and when G-ma did pass away, I was pretty shocked he DIDN'T show up or stop in at Mom's for condolences...

so it is strangely comforting...and just weird...think we have just about run out of things to say too...and he should be about to head home...he is only on at work I guess...not sure what to do...will def tell Mark, and just see where it goes from here...if Mark says no, no it is and I have no problem with that cuz this is just plain weird and I have no desire to make him upset...we had a pretty darn good day today, despite me feeling pretty crappy...I went tanning last night and pushed it...not been feeling good overall anyway and am now a tad burnt on top of it...*sigh*

but oh man tanning does feel so good.....I so miss the sun.....I can't wait til Spring SPRINGS!

Joined: 04/24/02
Posts: 644

that's it, I should just shoot one of us and get it over certainly would be so much easier than this on again off again war...and war it is, man is getting brutal too...I got married FOR THIS?!?!?!?!


and I can't help but feel this has something to do with my weird "conversation" last! I don't go postal all over him when he talks to his ex...even when I think he is just trying to hang on to his past! AND I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM CONTACTING ME! I was pretty weirded out and now I think maybe I SHOULDN'T have told him! love and trust my ass...and that includes ALL the back ass acreage too!

of course I am not "cleaning" enough...he knows where he can go with that, I told him :twisted: he says he always has to clean up after me, HOW ABOUT HIM! damn whisker hair all over the bathroom, clothes on the floor...EXCUSE ME, if you ARE going to wear them later, pick them up, and NO that doesn't mean wad them up and throw them in the closet! how about the bed, how f'ing DIFFICULT is it to MAKE THE BED! and doing laundry, pay attention, is that so much to ask? see if there are stains on it! and doing laundry DOESN'T MAKE YOU A SAINT! NEITHER DOES CLEANING THE DAMN KITCHEN!


now back to the normally scheduled boring, driving me crazy house WITH a now toddling toddler attached to the leg....UG!

OH GOD I HATE THIS HOUSE, please wait til I get my pets out and BURN IT DOWN TO THE GROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!