Not sure if I should keep this public or private, but for now, I'll just write and see where it goes.
I have known for my entire life that I was adopted. My parents are fantastic people, who have given me a privileged life - one I'm sure that is much better than what my biological mother could have given me. I don't recall ever having an issue with being adopted. I had a solidly happy childhood, but it's definitely something I've thought about often. Who wouldn't?
I've thrown around the idea of trying to find my birth mother for most of my adult life, but I've never actually done anything about it. Lucky for me (yes, that's sarcasm) DC is one of the hardest places in the country to open sealed adoption records. I know that a lawyer would be pricey and who knows how effective.
Years keep going by and yet, I do nothing. I'm 35 years old. Soon, I will run out of time. So, now is the time for action.
I am waiting for the paperwork, but I have started the ball rolling with a private investigative firm that specializes in finding birth parents. It's not cheap, but what kind of price can you put on something like this? The agency has a 98% success rate and 99% of the time, if they can't find an actual birth parent (because perhaps they are dead or in jail), they can put you in touch with a relative. I'd take that!
One of the things that pulls at me to do this is that I hate the idea that maybe she wonders how I feel about her. Do I resent her? Hate her? No, none of those things. I wonder if she's told her family about me or if they know nothing. I wouldn't want to intrude on her life in a bad way. I know a lot of what I want to say to her. I want her to know that I 100% respect the decision she made and I admire her for it. Having given birth myself, I can't imagine the anquish she felt at having to give up her baby. I want her to know that I'm not upset or hurt. I'm thankful. I'm appreciative.
I'm also very scared. But, I can't spend the rest of my life wondering 'what if?' I need to do this. I want to do this. I will remain cautious, but hopeful.
So now, I wait for the packet of information for me to sign, notarize, etc. I'll update when I know something!