So many emotions...no longer my own
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Thread: So many emotions...no longer my own

  1. #1
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    Default So many emotions...no longer my own

    I am starting this journal b/c I wanted to have something to show baby when s/he's old enough, to learn about her/his parents and what we went through while pregnant. I also wanted to have a place where I could leave my thoughts without being drawn and quartered for them. I have already started a Blog for my family (Which is censored) and at the beginning of the pregnancy I was pretty good about writing to baby using MS Word, but I haven't been as good lately. I seem to be on prg.org all the time anyway, so it seemed like the smartest thing to do.

    I am 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant today. DH and I had a minor setback last night...we didn't get to see our baby. We were scheduled to see baby at 4:30, but Doc got called into L & D. The post from the Feb 2006 board is as follows:



    OK...so baby is still a surprise. DH and I get there 10 minutes before my appt and the receptionist tells us to have a seat. We hang out and the couple sitting next to us goes in. (Happens to be DH's 3rd cousins or something) It's now 4:35 and they come out. The cousin tells me he just got paged, a woman is in labor. I laugh and say she'll be in labor for 14 hours, it's her first. (Joking, not meaning to be rude or anything.)

    So as soon as they leave, I see him walk past the lobby windows in the outer hallway. WHAT?!? He didn't even bother to tell us himself? Then the "Witchy" receptionist tells me "He just got paged". Well no duh, I just saw him walk past the damn window!! "Would you like to wait, sometimes it's just a quick push and he'll be back within a half hour." So we hang out. 10 minutes later the receptionist gets a phone call...uh oh, I know this isn't good.

    The baby is "de-celling" (Heart rate is slowing during contrax, I guess) and Doc would have to stay there and either watch or deliver via emergency C. Ho hum...by that time I knew we would be coming back. The woman offered to reschedule us for tomorrow morning at 9:00. Oh yes, I would LOVE to go at that time, but the whole purpose for going at 4:30 today was so DH could make it. He only has 1 week for vacation and that is saved up for when baby comes. We can't afford for him to take any more unpaid time off this week or any week for that matter. (Long story, work is screwing him over right now.)

    So we explain to witch woman that tomorrow won't work. She asked about next week Tuesday and we told her that we would be in Chicago till Wed night/Thurs AM. She proceeds to ask us if Wed afternoon would work? NO YOU %)*&(^*) IDIOT!! Finally, DH agrees to work next Friday at 9 AM into his work schedule. He needs to give his boss a week's notice for time off, so this was the earliest we could have done it. He was totally po'ed since he took an hour and a half off just to make it today. Couldn't they bump another woman out of her 4:30 spot? GRR!!!

    So yes, I am better now, I realize that if I were in the same situation I'd want my doctor there by my side too. I understand that the baby is in danger and the doctor should be there. I do, also, understand that I am a VERY hormonal pregnant woman who was told she'd see her baby today. I don't ask for much, I am relatively healthy and I don't call past office hours (Yet...I think I feel an illness coming on a Friday night or Sat afternoon ). I JUST WANTED TO SEE MY BABY TODAY!!



    I had my nephews today. I had to get up at 5:30, which was torture for me. I usually get up at 8:00 or after so being to B's by 6:30 was definitely tough. The boys were OK tho...Carsyn didn't want to eat for anything. Cael pooped 3 times, so he thought he needed 3 "prizes". Sometimes I wonder about that kid...he had such a sugar buzz today.

    DH and I leave for Chicago on Sunday. He has orientation for the kind of vehicles he works on. We'll be there till Wednesday, so I better find enough stuff to bring to work on. DH just called on his way home and said the dealership he works for wanted to give him a small car to drive the 5 hours to Chicago. Thank goodness my sweet DH told them that "it wouldn't be a good idea" to cram my preggo body into a small car like that. They gave him a larger car then, like the one I drive, so I'm happy.

    Figuring out what we need for food is going to be crazy!! I eat tons of smaller meals, like cheese and cracker, celery and peanut butter, and carrots with Ranch, so I don't know how I'm going to wing those smaller meals. DH will be gone for the entire morning (From 8-5 probably), so I'll have a lot of time to get fat hanging out in the hotel room. I already told Charlotte that I might be calling her since I'll miss talking to her on the boards.

    Well, I know this is a LONG journal post...I better wrap it up now and write more later. Baby is still doing well with a ton of kicks in the last hour. DH still hasn't felt any but he should start feeling them soon- they're getting HARD!! Like others have said in their journals, it does feel better to get my thoughts out, even though no one may ever read this.

    ~Lily~
    Just being happy with the child we DO have instead of wanting more.
    No more outside help, we'll get pregnant if it's meant to be!

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    It's now 7:22 in the midwest and I'm awake...PLUS it's a Saturday, so I'm really not happy about being up yet. DH decided around 7:00 that he couldn't sleep b/c of a stuffy nose, so he got up. I just can't sleep when he's not there, especially when he tells me he's getting up.

    It was a really wierd night last night. DH and I were watching Law & Order when 15 minutes left, the TV signal stops and the screen goes fuzzy. I thought it might just be our TV (Yeah, DUMB!) so I flipped to another station. Nope, it was just NBC. I was totally torked since I really was into the show. It was about some mob and how they killed the wrong guy. So, we decided to go to bed and just hope it would come back. Well it's STILL not on this morning!! The local NBC affiliate has the biggest news program around here, so it's really odd that they would be off the air for this long. And I STILL want to see my show!!

    It may be a good thing for me to get up this early, now DH and I can do our shopping and laundry right away this morning. I hate hitting the stores on a Sat when there are a TON of people there. I'm a claustrophobic nightmare at Christmas! I totally forgot the mail yesterday and how I wanted to stop it for the time while we're gone, so I guess my mom will have to pick it up. I hope my Dad will be OK feeding our dogs, they like to jump (Still puppy stage) and I know my mom would be coming straight from work and all dressed up. Yeesh, this is the first time we'll be away from them for more than overnight since, well, ever! Since we got them at 6 weeks, we've always been home to feed them and let them out. Poor Bear and Bailey, I'm sure they'll miss us. (Reminder to me: Wear old clothes home on Wed- Dogs will be jumpy!!)

    Well, off to get a shower....another big day ahead.

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    I'm so lazy it's hilarious! This morning, DH and I went to get the loaner car fueled up, got groceries, and then got a take and bake pizza and then came home. I put the food away since I wanted to make sure we had all the stuff piled up for our trip while he let the dogs out to run. I put the pizza in right away too. (The pizza was 3 pounds of pizza...holy cow!) So we go eat lunch and then I put the rest of the pizza in the fridge. No biggie.

    I decide that I should get my butt in gear with the laundry since we are leaving tomorrow morning for Chicago. I got one load washed and partially dried before I fell asleep on the couch. I thought DH would be a sweety and help me finish the laundry, but NOPE! So it's now 4:10 and I have been sleeping since around 1:00. I feel TOTALLY lazy today. I need to find out luggage and get the cooler cleaned up to go, but nope, not feeling like doing that. DH said he'd pack tomorrow morning before we left, but all he needs is socks, underwear, jeans, and shirts. He lets ME pack all the toiletries. Oh well, I'll do all that later, right now I need to WAKE UP!!

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    OK, we're back from Chicago. Well, it was more like North Aurora, but same thing basically.

    I am totally exhausted. The king-sized bed was a major pain in my back. I didn't have a good night's sleep any night we were there. PLUS, the hotel had cops there last night and I heard on the news radio station that there was a shooting near our hotel last night. Well, I'm too tired to write more now, I'll try and get more in tomorrow. There's just so much catching up to do on here...

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    It's now Monday and we've been home since Wednesday of last week, the 26th. I posted about our excursion on the Feb board, but was too tired to write in my journal, or at least RE-write the whole story over again. I'm going to re-post what I wrote in Feb here so that I can get on with my other thoughts.

    Just thought I'd let you all know we're HOME finally. Thank goodness we didn't have to stay till tomorrow. DH was offered a seat in the class that ran today and tomorrow, but his work said they "were drowning" without him there, so they needed him back to work today. Too bad he's got a half day off tomorrow morning, he won't be missing my appt to go to work.

    It was really boring on Monday and Tuesday since I didn't have the car. I don't think I really would have gone out much anyway since the part of Aurora we were staying in was kind of scary. Bars on all the windows and I think there was a drive-by shooting and getaway both right behind our hotel and then in our hotel parking lot. There were black marks on the pavement and the cops were there on Tuesday night. YIKES!!

    I did get some shopping done yesterday and Dean helped shop on Sunday evening too. We went to the big Fox Valley mall on Sunday night and I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the Motherhood store. Bought a pair of yoga pants and a cute black top. The shirt was even on sale, so I felt good about splurging on $20 pants. They are SO comfy. I also hit a Carter's yesterday and limited myself to the $5 clearance racks. Got a couple good deals on a boy-ish onesie and a uni-sex sleeper. DH even liked them, so it's all good.

    OH, one more thing...DH finally felt the baby on Sunday!! (The 23rd of Oct) We were hanging out after walking around the big mall when baby decided to kick me HARD down south. I told him to feel and baby gave a sharp kick right under his hand. He was beaming! Thank goodness for it, he was anxious to start feeling baby on his own. I finally felt baby on the outside on Tuesday, 2 whole days after DH felt baby. I guess I wasn't too eager to feel baby on the outside since I've been feeling my little punter for quite awhile now.


    Now I have had a bunch more exciting things happen since our Chicago trip, so I better get posting on those. It was Daylight Saving Time this weekend so I'm up at 6:00, which isn't normal for me. Once DH leaves I think I'll be going back to the couch with my cup of TheraFlu (Which I still need to find out if that's OK to be taking right now) and maybe catching another couple minutes/hours of sleep.

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    DH and I had our BIG ultrasound on Friday morning (The 28th) and 9:00. It was nice because DH didn't have to get up early to go to work so we both slept in till around 6:30 or 7:00. I got ready and DH took some preggo pics of me too, so I'll have to add those later. Once again, I wrote all about our experiences to my Feb ladies, but I thought I would post what I wrote to them here so that I don't have to re-write it all again.

    Well, Doc either had delivered this morning or was going to a delivery, cuz he was dressed in scrubs and looked like he hadn't slept in days. BUT, we got the ultrasound!! YAY!!

    Baby is fine, no indicators of Down Syndrome or anything like that. I have included pics of the hands and face, but we didn't get any good ones of the feet. We did SEE the feet/legs tho, so that was cool. Doc must have taken a pic of the "parts" while I was watching, but I couldn't tell boy or girl. He handed us a sealed envelope with the pic inside of what it was. On the outside was a question mark. He said we could leave it in the garbage or take it with. After little discussion (Dean STILL doesn't want to know) we left it in the garbage and walked out. (I saw Doc later in the elevator on his way to L&D and he said he put it in our chart...good man!) He told us that we were the first couple to not take the envelope. We must really not want to know.

    Baby is measuring a little big. 1 pound 3 ounces and is measuring at 23 weeks 1 day, so only 3-4 days ahead. Doc said baby's in the 60th percentile, whatever that means.


    OK, here are the cute pics.
    This one is "See my 10 fingers!" (The right thumb is by the head, I guess.)


    "Sleeping like Daddy" (DH sleeps exactly like this!)


    I think this one is of baby smiling...even my mom thought she could see baby's lips turned upward.


    (Added a little while later to include another pic) OK, so I totally forgot the "Winnie the Pooh Thinking Pose' pic. DH thought it was hilarious b/c when we were in the u/s, baby was tapping his/her head like s/he was Pooh in his "thinking spot". The hand is in the upper right corner pointing at baby's head.


    Now that I look at it more, it looks like both hands are on baby's head. Headache from all the poking, perhaps?!?

    I have had a few days to look at the pics and the videos from the CD we got, and I never thought I could love anything more than I love my DH. He is my rock and my reason for living. Now, after seeing our baby, it is so amazing what I feel for him/her already. I am always stealing away time to look at the u/s pics and at the little video clips on my computer. DH and I both put the "smiling' pic on the desktops of our computers. He was so excited about being able to send the pics to everyone, he sent them to his brother right away while I sent them to the rest of my family. His parents don't have a family account but his dad has one through work, but we couldn't send anything since we don't know what it is and if he is allowed to get "outside" e-mails from anyone.

    His parents also had their 35th Wedding Anniversary party this weekend. We had a nice extended family buffet meal at the local restaurant at 6:00 on Sat night and then there was a DJ at 8:00. I'm from a small town with very few people of other races. That doesn't mean I don't see them, but where DH and I go, it's mainly Caucasians. DH's dad works for a factory in the town where they live that employs a LOT of illegal Mexicans. I was totally terrified by a few of them. One was even giving DH the "eye". DH and I were both dressed nicely, but I was getting uncomfortable with some stares I was getting from the males. We decided to leave when they all broke out their cigarettes and started dancing to Mexican music. Oops, I guess we didn't know that song. The women were really nice tho, but most of them didn't know much English, so I couldn't chat very long with any of them.

    It was a CRAZY weekend, but thank goodness it's over. Now I have to get through tonight's Halloween festivities, but that shouldn't be too bad. I think we'll have 5-6 kids stop, if that. The nephews like M&M's so it wasn't hard to buy for them. We got a BIG 74 piece bag of Snickers, Milky Way, Twix, and M's, so I should be just fine with any preggo cravings I have! I think I'm going to head back to the couch now and get some more shut eye, after I put in a load of clothes, of course!!

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    This is me taken on Friday before our u/s.

    Frontal view (It was 29 degrees outside but I thought it looked pretty with all the leaves on the ground- BRR!!)



    Side view- I don't look JUST fat in this one, maybe more preggo now.



    Sorry the pics are blurry...grrr, stupid camera!

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    Well, it's now 6:45 and I'm anxiously awaiting our first Trick or Treaters. My nephews should be here soon, as well as my godmother's two daughters, and our best man's son. My older nephew "C A" is almost 3 and was an M & M last year. He loves his "M's". The younger one, "C R", is a little over 9 months and I wonder what his parents are making him dress up as. His brother was an alligator for his first Halloween, but my mother told me my SIL found a new costume this year.

    I got the closet pretty much organized today, at least my side. I got up super early and never could get back to bed, so I stayed up. YICK! I feel tired now, but I can't go to bed yet. It's been dark over an hour now...talk about throwing your body outta wack!!

    I think kid is messed up from Daylight Saving time. I was getting kicks at all hours today, not during the normal "awake" times. I felt some pretty wicked kicks too, too bad DH wasn't here or he might have felt them too. He hasn't felt baby since that first time a week ago. Poor guy, he thought he might last night when baby was going crazy, but the kicks must not have been hard enough.

    Well, I better get back to my candy duties. Halloween is going to be a big deal next year so I better enjoy the quiet one this year.

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    OK, so today I'm totally flipping out. I have munched on a TON of Halloween candy in the past week or so, and I feel as big as a whale! I am also having some funky discharge, which when I looked up vaginal yeast infections on medical sites, said could be a side effect of diabetes. YIKES! I haven't had my GD test yet, so I am totally freaking out about it.

    I know a TON of women have dealt with GD during pregnancy and it is OK for most. I just hate feeling like this. I ate junk for lunch (Burger King's Chicken strips and onion rings) and had some junky Halloween candy while I was shopping. YUCK!! I really can't do this to my body any more!!

    I feel baby moving a lot today, maybe because of the junk I've eaten. I also am freaking b/c Doc said baby is measuring big. I sure hope I don't push out an 8+ pound baby. I freak out about that...I know it will hurt so much. I think today is just a BAD DAY all together. My shopping for costumes went well, I bought baby a couple costumes for next year and one for later on. I really like them...I hope baby does too.

    All the stores were getting their Christmas stuff out today. I even listened to my Mannheim Steamroller CD while in the shower this morning...what's up with me? I go straight from Halloween to Christmas? I know I'm a holiday freak, but dang, skipping Thanksgiving isn't like me. Oh grr, must be hormones.

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    So I threw up after I wrote that last post. WTF?? I really think my Burger King lunch had something to do with it...I tasted it the most coming up. (Sorry, TMI) So, no more Burger King for this lady, I don't want to deal with getting sick again.

    I had spaghetti for supper tonight...which tasted good. I was surprised I was even hungry after losing my stomach contents not too long before. Who knows, I guess. Now I'm downing a few glasses of water since I had drank a ton of liquids before I threw up. I really wonder if this is a yeast infection or a mild UTI. It hurts when I pee, but it also hurts when DH and I DTD. Not sure, but I'll treat for a YI and if it doesn't go away, then I'll talk to the Doc again. He suggested the YI meds anyway.

    DH is really tired tonight. He booked over 13 hours today at work, so no wonder he's beat. We enjoy cuddling so much on the couch, I sure hope baby lets us do that when s/he arrives. DH looks so cute when he's nestled into the curve of my arms, so cozy and safe. HEY, wait a minute here, that should be ME! Oh well, I guess it's OK for a little while longer, I'll need to be nestling up into HIS arms in a month or two. No more preggo woman trying to get out of a chair or out of bed on her own anymore, I tried to sit straight up in bed last night and kid kicked me SO HARD in the lower gut. YIKES! I was hoping DH would wake up, but no luck.

    Well, as usual, nothing too interesting tonight. DH will end up behind his computer playing his dumb game till I call for him on the couch, then he'll pass out and I'll lay there awake till I decide I want to go to bed. Then I'll drag his butt to bed and we'll cuddle till we both fall asleep. Aren't we so normal? I think it's really sick sometimes how "typical" we are...in a good way, of course!

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