38 weeks, 1 day....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am SO about ready to come unglued. My body hurts, my head hurts, my hoo hoo hurts...I can't move like I used to and it STINKS!! I think DH and I are ready for baby's arrival now, though. Yesterday we finished all our laundry and either folded it or hung it up to dry and then we did the baby's clothes that we were planning on doing. We need to do more of his/her clothes, but I am really nervous about taking any tags off in case baby is a lot bigger or smaller than we think.
We also got the crib set up and our bedroom re-arranged so it would fit in there. I just finished washing the waterproof mattress cover so I'll be putting that and the sheet on the mattress before I leave for my appt. I have a 10:50 appt today so I'll be having dinner with the DH too. I need to pack the hospital bag first tho. DH wanted me to have it in the car in case something were to happen today at my appt. I don't think it will now, I had cramps this morning but they've gone away. GRR!
My back is ready for this baby to be here. I can't seem to get up from sitting or laying down like I used to and my new way of doing things hurts just as much as before. That and I'm so exhausted! I know it won't get any better when kid comes, but at least when s/he does arrive then DH can take him/her for awhile and I can get some rest! I think changing sides of the bed last night had something to do with why I'm so tired today. DH wanted to see if we could switch sides of the bed so I'd be closer to the crib, but it was hellacious on my sleep, and I think his too. We both tossed and turned all night long. It doesn't help that I woke up when he did...so now I'm tired still and can't go back to sleep.
OK, enough whining...more later after the appt.
Ok, my appt sucked, but that's typical. It only sucked b/c I didn't get an internal and wanted one really bad...how wierd is it to hear me say that! HA! I didn't ask about my weight and the doc didn't say anything, so who knows what's going on with that. I told the Doc that baby hadn't been going crazy, in fact the past weekend the baby had been really INactive, so he sent me for another NST. BORING, but all is OK/fine. At least I got to go to L&D and could request the nasty nurse NOT be there when baby is born. YAY!!
DH made dinner tonight for Valentine's Day. We had grilled pork loin, potatoes, and green beans. Normally I would have made him a dinner (Last year we had a candlelight dinner with wine and all the fun stuff) but woke up with a horrendous headache and then had the daycare kid all afternoon. I'm still exhausted so I think we'll be calling it an early night in bed tonight. We DTD last night, so hopefully he's not wanting it again. We did it 3 times in the past 4 days in an attempt to get this kid out...I'm going CRAZY!
Just finished reading some stuff in the "What to Expect" book when I felt a cramping in my hoo hoo. It feels like the kid is pushing down further into my hips. It also feels like I'm getting the cramps in my legs! WTF?!? Last week I had a really bad backache and now THIS. Hmm, could it be the start of something? Is that why I'm getting a headache too? Is the change in my hormone levels enough to cause my headaches?!? Interesting. I made DH get up from his computer to get me off the couch so I could stand up and see what I was feeling in my leg. Right now it's just been in the left side, so I'm not sure what to expect. I'll keep everyone updated though!
I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just want my baby out of me, to hold him/her in my arms, to feel his/her skin on mine. BUT...I can't help but think of a special friend who won't feel that touch anymore, who never got to hold her baby alive in her arms. I think about how hormonal and stupid MY feelings are when I know she's hurting. I feel so sick when I think that way, that I'm just being impatient and my baby will arrive soon, but I can't help but feel nervous too.
Of course babies lose room to move when they get bigger. I haven't felt this baby go crazy like it normally does, so I'm nervous for it. I think it may have something to do with this friend. She lost her baby, so I'm afraid I'm going to lose mine. I've read women's stories of how they went into the doctor's appt and heard the heartbeat, then the next day they didn't feel movement and later found out the baby was gone. UGH, I can't handle this any more!! I'm so afraid of something bad happening...I'm so scared something bad will happen. I know I shouldn't be...that there was nothing "wrong" so far, but how can I NOT be worried!
DH thinks I'm getting a cold. That would help explain the crabbiness, I'm always a witch when it comes to getting sick. I am so bummed, I don't want baby to arrive when I'm sick. DH thought he was getting sick to, which makes sense b/c one of the people at work could barely talk on Tuesday. GREAT...we'll BOTH be sick unless baby stays in for 2 more weeks!
Got some good deals today at Bath & Body Works. Had a $10 GC and a "Free Hand Cream with $10 Purchase" coupon, so I ended up with $42 worth of stuff for $5. YAY! Got some Eucalyptus Spearmint aromatherapy oil, pillow spray, a massager thingy, and 9 tea lights (DH loves that scent too) and then the free "Breathe: Delight" hand cream. YUM! Definitely a steal in the "retail therapy" department.
Lily’s Birth Story
It all started on Monday, Feb 27th. I had an appt scheduled with Dr. Hintz at 10:40. Being 40 weeks, I thought/hoped he would check me for progress. He did and I was 2 cm and still only 50% effaced. After the appt I was having some major back pain, which I figured was normal. I met Dean for lunch and then went home and got on Preg.org for a while. Mom called and asked if I wanted to go walking since it was nice out, so I agreed. We went walking with grandma for about an hour (I was contracting but nothing really time-able) and then went home. I still felt the back pain so I was lazy and had Dean make dinner. We had chicken potpies and biscuits and then watched “Friday Night Lights” till 9:20. By that time my back was still hurting so I went to bed.
At approximately 10:00, I woke up with intense back pain. I tossed and turned till 12:00 midnight, trying to get comfy and trying to make it go away. It never did go away, only intensified, so I woke Dean up. It took him a few minutes to really wake up, but then he was up and ready to help. I tried the yoga ball first but it hurt more than it helped. We then tried a warm shower. I made him get in with me so that I could relax, or at least try to, and he could rub my back. The warm shower felt great. I had to get out eventually when the contractions were getting worse and closer together. Around 2:15 Dean timed them at 4-5 minutes apart and lasting anywhere between 30 seconds and 1 ¼ minutes. I told him I’d wait till 3:00 to go into the hospital, but never made 3:00. We decided to leave for the hospital around 2:30 when the contractions started to make my legs hurt.
We got to the hospital around 3:00 and where checked into triage. The nurse, Jenny, checked me and I was still only 2 cm and only 50% effaced. Oh my goodness, I was hoping for something better than that! Dr. Hintz was called and he told the nurses to monitor me and call back in an hour or so. Jenny hooked me up to the monitor for a while and then decided to get me up to walk. Dean and I walked the halls till 4:15 and then came back to the room to get checked. I got up on the bed and Jenny put the monitors back on me. I had one contraction and then another not too long after that. During the second contraction, I sat upright because lying on my back was hurting more than anything. At that time, baby’s heart rate dropped to under 100 beats and for a few seconds we didn’t hear it. I was scared and just looked at Dean, hoping for some reassurance since he could see the screen. Jenny pushed the call button and got another nurse in there, Marilyn, right away. They put the oxygen mask on me and wheeled me into a regular labor suite.
I was definitely nervous at this time. They got baby’s heart rate back up to where it should be, but said I was staying and wouldn’t be leaving without a baby. I then got an IV (Dean said my hand should be pretty sore because Jenny did a poor job of keeping the needle straight in my hand) and the doctor was called again. I spent the next 2 hours laboring in the bed (it was pure torture) until the doctor showed up at 6:30. I wasn’t expecting him till around 8:00, so it was a mixed blessing. I say mixed, because he broke my waters without telling me and immediately the contractions started hurting worse. As he leaves the room the doc looks over his shoulder and says “have fun”! Yeah, some fun I’m going to have.
Around 7:00 my Labor and Delivery nurse arrived. Jennifer (not to be confused with Jenny the triage nurse) suggested I get into the whirlpool tub. Dean went to the car to get the bag while she helped me into the tub. The heat made my back hurt even worse! I didn’t make it too long in the tub, maybe 15 minutes. I got out and asked for an ice pack. Jennifer asked if I wanted to try the rocking chair, which I did. That didn’t last long either, as the back labor was too painful. So I got in the bed and pressed the oblong ice pack into my lower back. I spent the next hour screaming in pain, digging my nails into the bed, and asking for any kind of drug I could get. At 8:00 my doctor gave in to my requests and ordered Nubain. He said it was supposed to take the edge off, but it didn’t do much for me.
Jennifer checked me around 9:00 and said I was 4 centimeters, which meant I could get my epidural. Dr. Hussein came in and administered the wonder drug shortly after 9:05. By 9:12, I wasn’t feeling anything. Jennifer then started the Pitocin and “jacked it up” since I had gotten the epidural and wouldn’t be feeling any contractions anyway. I labored in bed till around 11:00 when Jennifer checked me again. She said I was 8-9 centimeters. I then had to wait till 12:00 for my doctor to come and check me.
Close to 12:00 Jennifer came in, checked me again and said I just had a lip of cervix on one side. The doctor then came in, checked me, and said the same thing. He walks toward the door saying he’ll go get some lunch and then be back. I’ll start pushing when he gets back. Jennifer says I should have a baby by 2:00 with the way things are going.
12:45 rolls around and in comes my doctor. Jennifer had set the room up while he was gone, so we got “down to business” rather quickly. Suzanne, the lactation consultant and Lamaze instructor, came in and asked if Kara, the intern, could observe our delivery. I said no to a male who wanted to observe, but Kara had been with us in Lamaze and my breastfeeding class, so I didn’t see a problem. So I started pushing around 12:45 with Dean, Jennifer, Kara, and the Dr. watching and helping.
The epidural had begun to wear off around 12:30, so I could somewhat feel when a contraction was coming. I pushed using the Lamaze breathing techniques we had learned, with Dean counting the whole time. Jennifer had one leg and Dr. Hintz the other, until he passed it off to Kara while he tried to get the baby’s head to come down. Dean said he heard me tearing while the doctor put his fingers into me to try and rotate her head. I pushed for a while and then the doctor took a break. For almost an hour he sat in the rocker sleeping while I pushed. It made me a bit mad, but he had a ton of other births so I know he was tired. Plus I wasn’t progressing that much, so he had some time.
About 1:30 he woke up and checked my progress. I continued to push and he continued to stick his fingers in to try and turn her. This time he got her to turn and then had me push harder, if I could. I felt a ton of pressure, but no real progress was made. Around 2:00 he decided to use the vacuum. I felt him try to pull her out with it, but she once again made no progress coming down. My contractions would push her down an inch, and then she would slip back up. He tried the vacuum a few more times, then had me push solo a few more times. Around 2:30 he got out the forceps. These hurt a bit getting position. He got them positioned and then had me push when I felt a contraction. Oh my goodness, it felt like he was pulling my hips out. He tried it a few more times and then said it was a no go. I would need a c-section.
We had to wait for an on-call nurse (Rachel) to arrive before the section. Around 3:00 Dr. Hawkins, another anesthesiologist, came in and administered my c-section drugs. I was so out of it, totally beside myself with grief because I had so wanted to have my baby naturally. I started shaking from the adrenaline. They made me drink this nasty tasting stuff that I ended up throwing up later. Yuck! Dean got suited up in scrubs and then we just waited to be taken back to the OR.
Once back in the OR they got me moved over to the operating table. It was so cold that I continued to shake. I lost track of time completely after the doctor said “c-section” back in the delivery suite. Dean was by my side shortly after I got strapped to the table, but the surgery had already begun by the time he was seated. I felt the pressure and tugging, but it didn’t hurt like I thought it would. Jennifer, my labor nurse, had to push her head back out of my pelvis in order for the doctor to even get her out. At 3:57 in the afternoon, Dr. Hintz pulled our baby out and lifted her up, saying, “What does it look like, Dad?” Dean had to take a second look because the cord was hanging between her legs. Doc moved it and then Dean looked down at me with red, tearful eyes saying, “It’s a girl!”
I was so drugged up I didn’t know what to think, other than I wanted to see her. She cried a couple of good screams and then they took her to the warmer and started checking her over and cleaning her off. Then they took her to the pediatric side to check her oxygen level, heart rate, and temperature. Dean asked if he should stay and I told him to go with her. He kissed me and then left with her.
It took almost 2 hours for the doctor to fix me, sew me up, and get me back to the labor suite where it all started. Dean said he heard the nurses talking when they brought me in. He said the doc had to actually take my uterus out of me and stitch it up because it tore too, and then put it back in. No wonder I’m sore! During the “fixing” phase I ended up nauseas and actually started to feel them putting me back together. I was administered a gas to put me out while they finished sewing me up so I wouldn’t be in anymore pain.
A little before 6:00 they brought me back to the room, only to find daddy and daughter cuddling in the rocker next to my bed. It was so cute, from what I can remember. Dean is such a great dad to her…they had an immediate bond that I can’t even compete with. I tried nursing shortly after I got back to the room (per nasty nurse “No Name’s” orders) but I was still so out of it that I couldn’t even hold her or my own head up. Around 6:45 we tried nursing again and she latched on right away. It was so fun calling my parents to tell them they had their first granddaughter. My mom sounded like she was crying, which I’m sure she was. It was a great night as I woke up more and got to experience a world of firsts with our new baby girl.
OK, so at least I wrote out the birth story. Now I can write about the emotional roller coaster I've been on in the 2 weeks since her birth.
DH doesn't seem to understand at all. He is getting after me about my family, about how often my mom comes over, and about how many clothes and other "things" people are buying for her. He just went back to work on Monday and I'm already overwhelmed by everything. He is so grumpy when she gets up at night, like he doesn't want to get up with her. I think I'm going to start pumping more so that he HAS to get up and feed her, not just me.
Every other night is good/bad, so we think she's getting into a pattern and then it's all out the window the next night. Last night was horrid...she wanted to be held from 2-6 AM. We couldn't put her down or she would wake up screaming. Don't know what's up with that though.
I am worried about my milk supply. I got 5 ounces out of both total yesterday and only 3 out of them today. I'm using the Avent Isis, but I think I should buy a hospital grade or double electric one. I had my DH give Lily a bottle the first night we were home from the hospital b/c she wouldn't latch b/c of my engorged ta-ta's. She HATED the Playtex Vent Aire ones, so I tried the Avent ones today. She seemed to take to it OK, so that's good. She sucked in a ton of air, but we just had to break her suction so she wouldn't suck in so much. Other than the air sucking, she did really well with it and took all 3 ounces I had pumped.
So DH is OK with the idea of getting a good pump. I hate the idea, I don't want to spend any more money. I just wish I knew whether it would help. If I got 5 ounces from my left breast in about 10 minutes with a manual pump, will I really get that much more with the electric? My left side is the producer, I can't seem to get jack squat from my right.
OK, enough rambling, back to the real reason for this vent.
I HATE the idea of my c-section. I had SUCH a good labor (well, minus the pain) up till the Doc said we needed to do a section. Once he said those words, I lost it. I don't remember much after he said those words, including the moment the doc pulled my baby from me. I hate the idea that I couldn't be the first to hold my baby, I HATE the idea that my DH bonded with her first, I hate the idea that she couldn't feed till over 2 hours later and even then I couldn't hold her the first time. I HATE the idea that I will never be able to have kids vaginally b/c of what happened to my uterus. I just HATE the whole section thing! I LOVE MY BABY, but she did NOT come as I had wanted and it's making me hormonal to the point of PPD.
My DH is such a good dad with her, reading to her and giving her baths and changing her clothes when they need it. But he doesn't understand how important all those above "Labor and delivery" things were to me, how much I wanted the doc to pull her out and put her on my chest. It is such a disapointment to me, even though I know a ton of women go in for planned sections and wouldn't have it any other way.
I just hate how I can't relate to any of my family. No one has had a section. I have HUGE hips, baby-bearing hips their called, but they couldn't get the job done. Supposedly her head was stuck in my pelvis in a wierd way, but that doesn't make me feel any better about the section.
I don't know what else to say. It's hard to be up front with Dean b/c he was never in the position that I was. We were constantly on the go last week when he was home, so I haven't really had a lot of "recoup" time. I'm so exhausted b/c I haven't had more than 4 hours of straight sleep in 3 weeks. My boobs feel like volleyballs and then when I pump and get very little out of them, it's so frustrating, but I don't want to shell out $300 for a pump if it won't work.
OK, enough rambling. I need to get dinner ready for him and my "milk bar" ready for her.
XP from Feb: Been feeling crappy lately so I thought I'd XP everything here so I can keep up with myself.
OMG, I can't believe I forgot TO EAT! I was nursing Lily last night around 9:00 and DH asked me what I had eaten for lunch and dinner. Um...lunch was a PB & J sandwich and dinner was a quarter of a bag of carrots. OMG!! The only "saving grace" of the whole day was the fact that we went out for omelets (SP?) for brunch. They were big (And good- ham, cheese, and grn peppers) and I had hash browns and a german meat along with it.
I feel REALLy bad, but then had my g'ma chew my butt about it this morning. She asked why Lily had so much gas (she had both butt gas and tummy gas all morning today and was cranky b/c of it) and I was dumb enough to tell her that I hadn't eaten hardly at all, so it shouldn't be what I ate. Well, she read me the riot act and now I feel even worse.
PLEASE tell me that someone else sometimes forgets meals?!? There are times when I pig out...and I feel bad about that too b/c usually it's take-out. I an trying to make up for it today. I drink enough, but I can't seem to eat enough. Anyone else have this problem?!? Please don't tell me I'm a bad mom, I don't think I could handle any more negative criticism.
XP: Thoughts of my day...probably dealing with PPD.
I don't know what to do. I knew I would be more likely to have post-partum depression b/c of my history of depression in college. I never guessed I would have PPD, b/c my DH is sooo helpful and I have a ton of other friends and family there for me for support if need be. Well, I was totally wrong.
I really think I either have PPD or am developing a (hopefully mild) case of it. With the labor gone wrong-turned into c-section, the fact that my DH got to bond with her first, my pumping issues...I think it all adds up to a case of the baby blues. DH asked me how I was feeling last night...almost 3 weeks after she was born he FINALLY asks about it. I know, I need to talk to him about it too, not rely on him to bring it up, but whenever I bring up anything regarding lack of sleep or her, he gets defensive saying he's tired too. It's even worse with my mother and g'ma b/c they say it's just sleep deprivation and nothing more.
I brought up the idea of pumping more during the day and letting DH feed her at night. He barks back and says then "HE's going to bed at 8 then, b/c he'll need more sleep". SO WTF does THAT mean?!? I SHOULD be going to sleep at 8 every night just to get a nap in before she's up all night. I think she's got her days and nights mixed up b/c she tends to be wide awake between 3 and 6 in the mornings. You can about imagine how well his comment went over. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm doing surprisingly well after my section. I hear about some of you still in terrible pain and feel so bad for you. (I am actually thinking of vacuuming, even though it's on the "do not do" list.) He thinks I must be fine, so he expects so much more out of me. The first week at home from the hospital we only stayed home 1 day...otherwise we went to town, went to his g'ma's (a 45 minute drive) or went shopping. How can I be healing when we're never home resting?!?
Now we're dueling about the whole pacifier thing. I can't stand to hear my baby girl scream...it breaks my heart to see her like that, so I give it to her whenever she acts like she wants to suck without being hungry. He refuses to give it to her except for in select situations, so usually she's screaming her head off before he gives it to her, making me just want to cry my eyes out. Now we're dealing with her not wanting to sleep in her crib and just wanting to sleep on our chests or in our bed. She's currently crying in her crib now b/c I just put her down.
I'm so sorry I'm venting about everything and anything...it's just so hard to talk to anyone in my family b/c no one has ever had a section before, nor did they BF any of their kids for very long. I just tried leaving her in her crib while she cried, but couldn't do it...I made it for maybe 5 minutes and she was only screaming for a minute! Now she's sleeping in my arms...hasn't been in them for maybe 3 minutes. Yay...I'm such a push-over mommy. My doctor is back from vacation now, so I might give him a call today. I don't know what to do...don't anti-depressants show up in breast milk? I refuse to stop bf'ing her, that's not an option. (She currently is doing OK with nursing, just the pumping extra is lacking.) I am trying to write DH a letter since I can't seem to talk to him about it, but can't figure out my thoughts right now. UGH!!
Sorry it's so long...and I hate being a downer, but you all at least know where I'm coming from or have been there for me before. No one else seems to understand.
I've been better since I wrote that last entry. DD had a crappy night 2 nights ago where she was up ALL night and I got the lucky job of being up all night with her. Thank goodness last night she only ate at 10, 1 and 5, so I got some sleep. YAY! Unfortunately I woke up with an eye infection (or what I thought was one) and spent the morning calling eye dr's in the are trying to get an appt.
Found out the eye problem was a severely scratched cornea (from wearing my contacts too long) and all I can do right now is put drops in it every hour. IT'S NOT HELPING! Now, because of the drops, my eye is watering as well as my nose, so now my nose is raw from using tissues so often. GOOD LORD! I have to go back in next week for a regular exam, so thankfully I'll get my eyes "checked" and should get a new pair of glasses out of the deal. Well, I'll have them cut lenses for my old frames, they're still good.
So...other than that life has been OK. I've been a little overwhelmed with stuff to do (thank you's, mainly) but hopefully I'll get more time to do that stuff tomorrow. Maybe she'll sleep tonight like she did last night, and then maybe even sleep in tomorrow. She is always up at 6 when DH leaves, and then never goes back to sleep until after I'm fully awake. Silly girl!!
Haven't had "the talk" with DH yet, but it's getting better on it's own. He and I had it out today about something stupid, so maybe I'll continue the discussing tonight. I took an ibuprofin for my eye not too long ago, so maybe I'll be asleep before we actually talk. Who knows...but I know I'm babbling now. Don't worry about me everyone...I'm really OK. Thanks for all the PM's tho, sorry if I don't get back to you all too soon. I only seem to get online when DH is home and even then only for a few minutes.
I feel horrible, my DH can't do anything right by me anymore. I went and got a haircut on Tuesday and he warmed up my only bottle of EBM in the fridge (3 ounces) for L and of course she wasn't hungry, she'd just ate an hour before! All she wanted was some different scenery and her daddy to stop talking to his friend. I was SO flipping mad at him! I can only seem tp pump 3 ounces in a day (I only pump in the morning) so it was an entire day's worth of my "extra" milk! GRR! I needed that for this weekend when we would be away from the house practically all day on Sunday.
DH says he's getting a cold. It's driving me nuts, b/c he doesn't want to take her at all during the night, though he doesn't look or sound overly sick. He sounded worse last night than the night before. He fricken snored like a freight train last night, starting right after she finished eating. So I was UP for another hour b/c I couldn't fall back asleep. He did get up with her around 3, but only to change her, walk her into the livingroom and then back into the bedroom and promptly give her to me telling me she was hungry. I got pissed and threw the covers off me. He couldn't understand why I was so upset...umm, gee honey, let me think. I had only been sleeping for a HALF HOUR and then what does he do...turns over and falls asleep, snoring away! UGH!
OK, more later, she's fussing and wants to be rocked