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Thread: So many emotions...no longer my own

  1. #61
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    SKIP ALMOST A WHOLE YEAR!!!

    Wow, it really HAS been a whole year since I last posted. We weren't pregnant last time and I really don't think we are this time too. Oops, back the truck up, I better give a little bit of background.

    DH and I have been TTC basically since AF showed up in Dec 2006. Well, haven't really been preventing, is more like it, TTC whenever we can. This past Dec I decided it was about freaking time, we haven't gotten preggo for over a year and my OB had said to call him when we had been done BF'ing for 3 months, which would have been September. I thought we would have been pg by Dec, so I decided to call him when we weren't.

    He put me on Clomid, 50 mg, the first month, which was the mid to end of Feb. I went in for my follicle check and there were 2 follicles approx 1.9 in size. Same size, same "shape", same side. I grow them on my left side and not my right. So DH and I had to decide if we wanted to BD and possibly have twins. We went ahead with it and were actually OK with the idea. The following week after I O'ed DH and I ended up with a horrible flu/stomach virus/gastro bug. It was absolutely HORRIBLE!! Luckily DD didn't get it! I came down with it on Monday night and ended up in the hospital on Friday morning to get IV fluids and anti-nausea meds. They tested me in the ER for prg and OF COURSE it was neg, I was only at most 8 DPO!

    So I start to get better over the weekend and then went to my parents on Sunday for an early Easter dinner. I started to spot lightly that morning but it was never very heavy or even pantiliner worthy. I thought "Wo HOO, this may be implantation bleeding!" I started spotting more, and a brighter red, on Monday and Tuesday, but still nothing AF worthy. I poas on Wed...BFN. I called the OB and he had me come in on Friday for a blood test, also BFN. So, onto another round of Clomid, 100 mg this time.

    Instead of taking it days 3-7, I was taking it 5-9 since he, my OB, thought my spotting on Monday/Tuesday was my AF. I went in with just Lily this time for a follicle check and found ONLY ONE this time, but it was 2.1 in size, so bigger than the last 2 were. YAY!! No needing to worry, no needing to wrack our brains thinking about twins, etc! This time when I poas on a OPK it isn't so *blaringly positive* like it was the last time. Maybe because there was double the amount of hormone since there were 2 follicles/eggs, and this time there was only 1, I don't know. So I REALLY had to second guess the tests. I called the Dr and he said to go with the "maybe positive" I had the day before as my surge and BD like crazy the next few nights.

    That brings us to now. As I'm reading the above post, I'm feeling dejected. I don't think I will be pregnant this time, even though we did it at all the right times, we supposedly got the OPK positive, and I haven't been sick with a flu this time. I've got some wicked symptoms this time though, like a hellacious back ache starting this past Wed (Net says a backache in early pregnancy is a sign of increased Progesterone- the thing I didn't have enough of last time to sustain our twins) so I'm cautiously optimistic on that symptom. Otherwise I've had slight waves of nausea (didn't get till 5+ weeks with Lily), major frontal cramping, really tired, and wierd eating habits/patterns. I also noticed a "full or bloated abdomen" feeling Wednesday night and Thursday. I have ONE more FRER and supposedly AF is supposed to show in Wednesday at the latest. I am trying to hold out till then. A girlfriend just offered one of her sticks but if I see a BFN and know it may be too early, I think I'll have a moo moo. Oh yeah, slight boob twinges, but nothing to write home about, IYKWIM.

    So that's where I'm at right now...waiting till Wednesday to test if AF doesn't show before or I don't start spotting. If you're reading this, please pray that our 15 months of TTC will actually end in a BFP for our family!

    ~Lily~
    Just being happy with the child we DO have instead of wanting more.
    No more outside help, we'll get pregnant if it's meant to be!

  2. #62
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    I just got off the phone with my DH. He had a meeting with his co-workers and boss today and said "it's not good, I'm still trying to cool off". I asked him flat out if he got fired and he said no. OK, so if he's not fired (which they have no reason to, but these people are stinking idiots) then what is it? I asked him that and he couldn't answer me, he had to go back to work.
    I'm so annoyed with his job!!!! They are freaking morons in every sense of the word, making HIS life suck, and then it trickles on down to me. I'm the one who gets worked up! I know he can't sleep, but neither can I! I've been on edge about TTC and now THIS!?! What in the H#LL ELSE is there to have to deal with??? Oh yeah, MONEY!

    Looks like DH will be looking elsewhere for a job starting tomorrow!

  3. #63
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    Turns out his meeting wasn't as bad as I thought it was...but bad enough nonetheless. He's still working there, but is also still coming home in a depressed state and always leaves in the same "I really don't want to go" mindframe. I wish he could find another job that paid him the same as where he is now, but no one can pay him that much. He's too good at what he does, unless he works for the corporate office, he can't get any higher.

    As for our TTC journey...I'm still here. AF feels like she's coming tomorrow. My back aches tonight and I've had more abdominal cramping today. *TMI* I've got a lot more CM lately, but my other symptoms are decreasing or dropping off totally. Thank goodness I got my hair done and eyebrows waxed yesterday or I'd feel totally crappy when she gets here. I leave for Vegas on Monday for a few days, hoping it would be a great "Girls Week", but one of the women told me last night that she's pregnant. Nope, won't be a fun time for me, but I'll sure try. If I can drink, you know I will be doing LOTS of it.

    Pray for no AF tomorrow and maybe a positive blood test if I get one done tomorrow. I'll have to call the Dr in the morning if she doesn't show up. I just want my BFP!

  4. #64
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    So we took this month "off" with the Clomid thing. AF showed on Friday the 18th, much to both DH's and my disappointment, so we started over. That's the worst part, the starting over. I decided I couldn't do "it" anymore, with "it" being Clomid. I was so UP and so down all throughout the month, it was just getting to be too much. The same can be said with this month, but at least I'm already halfway through the TWW and I'm not counting myself in or out. I'm trying not to even think about symptoms this time.

    So it's Mother's Day today and for some reason, even though I am already a mother, I am taking "slight offense" to a comment I heard/read today. Someone said "Happy Mother's Day to all the newly expectant mothers" and for some reason, I want to cry. It's taken DH and I over 16 months of TTC to get to where we are today and yet, there's not BFP to show for all the hard work. Then this person says THAT, not meaning anything by it, and it just sends me over the edge. I mean, why would you exclude all the BTDT moms, just b/c it's a preggo thought. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I know, it's a dumb vent and dumb pity party for 1, but it's still MY vent and pity party. When you're doing this for as long as I have (TTC, took awhile with our first one too) it really starts to sting. Just like when I hear of other people getting BFP's...it just stings. I'm happy for them, but just not happy with our situation.

    OK, have a GREAT Mother's Day everyone who is a mommy right now and good luck to those of you silently praying to become a mom in the next year. Love & Hugs to all of you!

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