Ryan asked me the other day, "When you met me, did you dream that God would bring us to this point so quickly?" I said, "Well, I knew you were the One God had for me before we ever met so yes, I knew we would get married, I just didn't know what kind of journey it would be to get us here." It's been one of immense growth for both of us, and sometimes, the journey's been rather painful.
We hadn't even talked of marriage as of late, knowing we'd both know it was time. Last week sometime, in frustration we sat in my living room and I poured out my heart to this man that I love...and then discovered he'd been feeling the same way. It's time. Where before, there was fear and worry about this new journey, there is peace and joy. We know it's time. I know we have more growing to do, both as a couple and as individuals, but we know we're ready to take this leap of faith. It's truly a leap of faith with some things going on in our lives, but with God's guidance, we're going to leap and not look back, simply trusting that He's going to bring our family together in a wonderful way.
For those of you who don't look much at my pictures and who don't know me well, now's the time to announce our other news. We're expecting #6 and the last we're going to have. We're hoping for a daughter to even out the score, but healthy is fine for us. Ryan has been incredibly supportive through all of this, and it's been wonderful to have someone who is involved and who cares about his growing child. I'm 15 1/2 weeks now, and the baby is going crazy now with all the moving and rolling. :) There's been a few scares along the way but God has been so good and He has kept me calm through all of it and kept the little one safe in His arms.
And to my future husband, who I know will get around to reading this: I love you, and I always will :) You're so like, totally, like, incredible, DUDE!
We've been discussing lately at church what is known as "The Last Days." It doesn't take much to look around at world events and easily be able to understand that we're in the events that Matthew 24 describes. And apparantly, I'm behind on my reading. The enemy is still roaring about, seeking whom he may devour....deceiving even the elect. I was saddened to read about the divorce of Bishop Thomas Weeks and Prophetess Juanita Bynum, as well as Pastors Randy and Paula White this past week. Even the elect....even the church...is being attacked. These are people I have highly admired, but it leaves me to wonder....when those who lead our churches are being affected by divorce, where does it leave the rest of us? Here I am, marrying my best friend in 24 days, the man who I know I am meant to encourage, uplift and walk alongside in ministry while we're on this earth and after watching even those who are our nation's spiritual leaders divorcing....I know we've got to pray and step up our prayer life for one another. I've already been affected by divorce once, and I will not let this be a word uttered again. So lets all remember to pray daily and speak the Word over those we love--our husbands, our wives, our children, our family. Pray.
<TABLE class=blue_border style="BORDER-COLLAPSE: collapse" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=4 width="80%"><TBODY><TR><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD>It was a fun, wonderful doctor’s appointment today. Thankfully, I lost two pounds. The baby is measuring right on at 18 weeks, although my uterus measures 22 weeks. I’m definitely giving birth to Tigger...the baby was riverdancing all over my bladder today (perhaps in the spirit of St. Patty’s day?). My docs are still scratchin’ their heads as to what’s going on with my diabetes which means my every two weeks visits continue.
And I’m thrilled to announce that baby Hannah will be joining us in August. It’s a girl :D We officially have the Brady Bunch. :)
:ROFL: <----That was my reaction to the realtor last night.
We went to look at a 4 bedroom house last night. When Ryan asked her if she could tell us anything about the neighborhood, she said it was 'against the rules' to tell us anything even if she knew anything about it. (Translated as, it's not a great neighborhood but I don't want to tell you that.) And then she tells us that if we decide to rent the house and then decide to give a proper notice on the house when we want to move, we still have to pay the rent on it until someone else rents the house. (Translated as: we're having a difficult time renting the place).
Idiot. Yeah, right. Next!
As it turns out, switching churches has done a world of good for us. I'm so thankful for our lifegroup leader, who's been through a lot of similar past as me. Were it not for her, I would have said adios to Ryan yesterday for good. As Joyce Meyer has said: the only way you can get past something is to walk back out of it the same way you came in-through it. I guess that's where I am in my life. The rejection, the hurt, the pain is suddenly surfacing again. It's like waking up some mornings in a horrible mood but not really knowing why, KWIM? I have endured a lifetime of tragedies, and it's a wonder some days that I've survived all of it. But I do know that all things work together for the good for those that love the Lord, and what Satan meant to destroy me, God is using for my good. I just wish the buried pain coming up didn't have to hurt so much sometimes. The best advice the life group leader gave me is that men are naturally fixers and that they're not mind readers. So I have to be willing to tell Ryan what I need from him and be honest. We were growing apart thanks to me pushing him away, but what I really needed on the inside was for him to hold me and stroke my hair the way I love for him to do. So, after him coming over to my house and asking me if it's just the fact that sometimes it *seems* like this wedding is never going to happen some days because one thing after another stands in the way, he told me he'd jump through whatever hoops he had to to marry me because he loves me. He doesn't care how it happens, but I do. I got married in front of a justice of the peace the first time, and I have to have a church ceremony this time. It doesn't have to be a big affair, KWIM? Something small is fine by me. And I want a honeymoon, where we go to some place we love and spend time together just us, maybe never leaving our hotel room, you know? Thankfully, God has brought my incredible knight in tarnished armour on a golf cart, who isn't perfect, but who loves me for me and there's no expectation of perfection. He represents my safe place, the one person in my life that I can tell anything and everything, and never expect him to judge me or belittle me for how I feel. Sad that it's taken 31 years for this to happen. I've always talked to God about this stuff and He's always been there for me, but to have a real live person is what I've needed to heal.
Right now I'm dealing with guilt again. I got pregnant with Brenden (my first who would now be 11 years old) before I was married to my ex, and he was born at 20 weeks and didn't survive. And trust me, for years I thought God was punishing me for having sex before I was married. I had no one to even tell about how I felt, because I've blamed myself for that loss, for my body screwing up for so long...I couldn't even tell my dad and stepmom about him because I knew what they'd say. Here I am, not married yet, and almost 20 weeks pregnant with a beautiful little girl, and I'm 31, and I still can't tell my dad and stepmom about Hannah, their granddaughter. I don't want to ever endure another loss like Brendan's again...but there's this stupid thought in my head that wonders 'what if,' you know? I know it's the enemy. How does one get over the sadness and guilt that a loss like this can cause?
Here, but barely.
Until the end of the year. When we sat down to talk last night, I didn't expect to hear what I heard and was in fact, a bit blindsided. I know that he's doing the right thing for both of us and for both of our families, and I'm proud of him for that. I know this isn't a divorce scenario, but it's the only thing near to similarity in how I feel right now. No, I'm not angry like he thinks I am...but having anything in my house that reminds me of him hurts too much right now, so everything has to be gone. I can't talk to him right now because the pain is so immense. Perhaps I'm in shock because this was the last thing I expected. To not see the man my heart loves or my girls until at least the end of the year? It's for the best, and I know this is for the benefit of both of our families. My head knows this. So why can't my heart get in line with my head? Why can't I sleep, or eat, and why do the tears silently fall without warning? Why....because of the word ALONE. It's where I am, and how I have to have it for a while, like it or not.
I hate the state of Oklahoma and DHS.
I'm so sorry to read about your delayed marriage :bigarmhug: Being pregnant and dealing with the back and forth of your relationship and what is going on with the state and the children must just feel overwhelming. Your journey has been tumultuous, but remember that when you cannot carry on yourself you will only see 1 set of footprints in the sand and those are His as he carries you. You are NOT alone and I'll keep you in my prayers to find the peace and happiness you so deserve.
Elicia...this is a marriage that's been delayed more than once, which is frustrating because we know God's brought us together...waiting on God sometimes just flat out sucks. Impatient me. :roll:
So, I think I'm more here than I was yesterday. I'm going to live, I'm going to survive. Of course, I'm tired like no other today and my body definitely didn't want to get out of bed at 7:30 like usual, so perhaps I'll sleep well after class tonight. I take that back. I have a feeling I'll be in the library tonight. I have 3 papers due April 19-22. Not started on a one of them. Shame on me. Oh, and McDonald's Southern Chicken biscuits somehow have a taste of pickles to them. I wonder why.