A new development...the police knocked on my door and they were actually looking for my neighbor. But I didn't call them, so apparantly someone else has taken note of what's been going on there. But I did take the opportunity to fill them in on what's been going on. And amazingly enough, she has her car back.
Me and the boys are going to visit my grandma tonight and then there's some big shindig at her house tomorrow. Then it's time to get home and go out on the final date with Lee. Still sad about him leaving. Ugh.
I finally finished my 'see you later' letter to Lee:
Well…I guess the time I’ve been dreading is finally upon us. And this isn’t a goodbye type of letter. I rather like to think of it as I’ll see you next time.
Never, in a million years, did I dream of how much God was going to grow you upon my heart. It began the day that I saw your profile on Eharmony. I remember looking at your picture and your profile, and praying that you would decide to talk to me. Lo and behold…there you were, the very next day. And then the craziness of our background similarities was just amazing. The birthday, how our marriages ended, even the fifth and sixth grade Sunday School class. The Five Love Languages and The Song of Solomon Bible Study. Even the fortune cookie of “You will meet someone special at a social event.” I still smile to think about how, later on that evening, while we were out watching fireworks you leaned over and said, “So, does this count as a social event?” And even then making mention of it later saying most people don’t see fireworks on their first date. After I got what you were saying, anyway, I totally agree. It has been completely amazing to see God working His amazing touch in even our friendship.
Thank you so much for all the times you opened doors for me. I’m sorry for forgetting to let you. Something even so little showed me how much of a caring man that you are. Thank you also for all the dinners you’ve paid for, as you didn’t have to do that either. Thanks for teaching me so much about pool. I plan to work on getting better while you’re gone so I can win fair and square if you are ever back in OKC. But most of all, thank you for all the times that you’ve taken my hands and prayed before dinner. Your prayer that God would not only bless our food, but bless our time together has touched my heart more than anything. All of these things combined have shown me that you are truly a man after God’s own heart.
For the opportunity to meet your mom, Annie, Steven and Alexis, I am truly grateful. You have such a wonderful family! I spoke with Annie the other day and I’m so glad she’s gotten on pain medication and is feeling better. Please tell her that I will continue to lift her up in prayer every single day. Your son is a smaller version of you. Don’t know where he gets his flirtatious spirit. *wink* Please also know that I will be praying for your mom, Steven and Alexis each and every day as well. And you’re welcome to give my phone number to your mom while you’re away, so in case she needs anything, I can help where I am able. I know it’s got to be heartbreaking for her to watch all of you go.
Even when you told me back in July that you were leaving in October, I was sure I could handle it. After all, we were friends and October was a long way away. But God has put you on my mind even more strongly with each passing day, and there has to be a reason for it. I have to wonder why God brought you into my life and allow my feelings to grow for you only to allow you to leave. How He would allow me to feel like I’m going to float off the earth when you let go of me after a hug. But then I have to stop and realize that everything happens in God’s timing. Not mine. I so wish you didn’t have to leave, but knowing that this is God’s plan for you. And Michael W. Smith’s song Pray For Me come to mind here.
Here is where the road divides
Here is where we realize
The sculpting of the Father's great design
Thru' time you've been a friend to me
But time is now the enemy
I wish we didn't have to say goodbye
But I know the road He chose for me
Is not the road he chose for you
So as we chase the dreams we're after
Pray for me and I'll pray for you
Pray that we will keep the common ground
Won't you pray for me and I'll pray for you
And one day love will bring us back around again
Painted on our tapestry
We see the way it has to be
Weaving thru' the laughter and the tears
But love will be the tie that binds us
To the time we leave behind us
Memories will be our souvenirs
And I know that thru' it all
The hardest part of love is letting go
But there's a greater love that holds us
Pray for me and I'll pray for you
Pray that we will keep the common ground
Won't you pray for me and I'll pray for you
And one day love will bring us back around again
So, leaving you in the hands of the Father, I wish and pray so many things for you. I wish you joy to carry you through the valleys and onto the mountain tops. Hope to make it through the trials. Peace to calm every storm. Faith to see the good in every situation even when it seems like there isn’t any good in it. Kindness to brighten another person’s day. And most of all, love to fill your heart and your life.
Each and every day I will lift you up in prayer. For your job, for your health, for your family, for your trust in people, and for your walk in Christ. And through these past few months I’ve come to realize that you are a desire of my heart. So know that I will be praying that somehow God will make a way later on down the road for our paths to cross again.
“Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will set your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Thank you for being part of my life, even if it’s only for a short while. And if I don’t see you on this side of Heaven, I know that I will see you there and will be waiting to bestow upon you the world’s biggest hug.
Forever in Christ,
Well, thankfully, it was a nice, quiet weekend. Sort of. I've spent ever since Friday having weird stomach cramps and no appetite. It can't be stress because I usually eat like crazy when I'm stressed. I can't figure out what's going on.
Lee got my letter and what he did say about it is that he noticed and appreciated the fact that I take nothing for granted that he's done for me. And he noticed my correct use of grammar.
We ended up watching Under the Tuscan Sun and a Pool movie Saturday evening as my babysitter was sick. He ate 3 bags of popcorn and then told me he didn't eat dinner. Men. I could have made him something, but oh well. He left at three and hugged me goodbye and it was all in all a wonderful evening.
We made plans to have a family type of dinner Wednesday evening, so after that it will be Saturday pool and then see you later. I'm sure it's God, but I'm not as sad as I was. Again, thankful that God's able to keep things from hurting so much.
I had to change my cell phone number yet again this morning because people kept calling and saying someone had called them from this number. I hadn't called anyone. I think my phone got possessed or something. I had to get stuff done here at work so I finally called and had it changed. Strange and bizzarre.
Went to visit the tech college this morning and got the application process started. Met a nice guy named John who walked me through the process. Looks like I'll be spending 10 hours per week in the classroom and 10 outside of the classroom. Oh well, might as get used to the extra hours now as I'll be working a second job before long. Decided to get medical coding and medical transcription at the same time. I can't wait until we're making some extra $$. I want my kids to have so many things that I can't give them right now since we're struggling so much to get by. Even to buy groceries right now. I hope to get done before the 9 months required but we'll see.
I should be getting a child support check soon. Not really extra money as I need to give my Aunt some more $$ but hopefully it will help a little bit.
And my van needs some work apparantly. The Dodge Grand Caravans are known for the tensioner belt pulley to go out. After driving for 3 1/2 hours, I think mine had had it. So I couldn't go above 65 without seeing the RPM's revved up but then it felt like the brakes were suddenly slamming on. The first time it happened, I thought we hit something. At least I HOPE it's the pulley. Lot cheaper than fixing a transmission, that's for sure. Guess I'll need to see how much it costs to fix one.
I'm officially a part of the Pg.org biggest looser challenge, starting out at 195. So hoping to be down to 185 by the end of the month. Go Blue!
Today is the DAY. *gulp* Little bit on the nervous side about child protective services visit today, as I don't know what lies he's pulled out of his boohinie to try to get me in trouble. My house is white glove spotless. My aunt is making sure the boys are bathed and in clean clothes when I pick them up. I know I shouldn't be worried, but being that I dealt with this back in January and my ex lied and my two older children spent time out of my care for HIS offense of child abuse...I just loathe to face that again or even the thought of loosing them. I'm a great mom to them, I know I am.
I talked to my mom (a.k.a my stepmom but she's my mom just the same) yesterday for a bit. They're moving to OKC finally and still trying to sell their house back in Kansas. And my dad's semi lost an axle a month ago, so he's been out of work until now. So they're supporting 2 house payments and utilities until their house sells. So glad I'm not in their shoes trying to deal with that.
Joined a new free online dating site...a couple of bites already, so we'll see how this goes. I'm nervous about dating people who have never been married, but I have to be fair and give them a chance just the same. One guy IM'd me but then said he had a girl friend. So I asked him didn't he think she wouldn't like him talking to other women? He said good bye, thank goodness. Don't want to waste my time on men like that.
Lee, his kids, Annie and me and the boys are all going out to dinner tomorrow night. This should be fun I think. See how they all act around each other. I'm still struggling with the fact that he's leaving, but trying not to let it show b/c I want to protect his own heart. He'll probably move and forget all about me, so I'm trying to prepare myself for that.
I think my greatest fear in the dating world is that I'm going to come across as too clingy or overbearing. I want to be able to show I'm interested without being suffocating, you know? I've already met a lovely psycho through Eharmony, but that's another story. And I've already had one guy ask why I'm divorced with a baby. So having to explain in as small detail as possible about my ex and his affair with a friend while I was pregnant. The other scary thing about dating is that I really haven't done this in well over 10 years. So the rules have changed. I'm still floating around out here, trying to figure out what they are. So stay tuned for this new chapter of my life.
I think today I'd like to start out with a narrative poem by Max Lucado.
WHEN CHRIST COMES
by Max Lucado
You are in your car driving home. Thoughts wander to the game you want to see or meal you want to eat, when suddenly a sound unlike any you've ever heard fills the air. The sound is high above you. A trumpet? A choir?
A choir of trumpets? You don't know, but you want to know.
So you pull over, get out of your car, and look up. As you do, you see you aren't the only curious one. The roadside has become a parking lot. Car doors are open, and people are staring at the sky. Shoppers are racing
out of the grocery store. The Little League baseball game across the street has come to a halt. Players and parents are searching the clouds. And what they see, and what you see, has never before been seen.
As if the sky were a curtai n, the drapes of the atmosphere part. A brilliant light spills onto the earth. There are no shadows. None. From whence came
the light begins to tumble a river of color spiking crystals of every hue ever seen and a million more never seen. Riding on the flow is an endless fleet of
angels. They pass through the curtains one myriad at a time, until they occupy every square inch of the sky.
Thousands of silvery wings rise and fall in unison, and over the sound of the trumpets, you can hear the cherubim and seraphim chanting, Holy, holy, holy. The final flank of angels is followed by twenty-four silver-bearded elders and a multitude of souls who join the angels in worship.
Presently the movement stops and the trumpets are silent, leaving only the triumphant triplet: Holy, holy, holy. Between each word is a pause. With each word, a profound reverence. You hear your voice join in the chorus. You don't know why you say the words, but you know you must.
Suddenly, the heavens are quiet. All is quiet. The angels turn, you turn, the entire world turns and there He is.
Through waves of light you see the silhouetted figure of Christ the King.
He is atop a great stallion, and the stallion is atop a billowing cloud. He opens his mouth, and you are surrounded by his declaration: I am the Alpha and the Omega.
The angels bow their heads. The elders remove their crowns. And before you is a Figure so consuming that you know, instantly you know: Nothing else matters. Forget stock markets and school reports. Sales meetings and football games. Nothing is newsworthy.. All that mattered, matters no more.... for Christ has come. . .
Can you imagine? And won't it be great!
It will be up to 45 days until we hear back from the State from the assessment. I got the gist that nothing much will happen from it, as she left, not seeming to worried about much of anything. She said she'll call back in a few weeks just to check on us. I told her everything in regards to my ex and in regards to the next door neighbor. So, we'll see. I told her I'm sure we'll see more of her but she said she hopes not. But I'm sure we will. While I wait this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach isn't going to go away, I can tell you that.
So hopefully for a few days, life will be quiet and return to life as I know it.
Today, I'm feeling totally crabby. Wish I could put my finger on it. Tomorrow is FRIDAY and it's the day when I have to deal with HIM again and I know it's going to be yet another long weekend.
My son, of course 'forgot' to take a sack out to the car this morning. And he swears that he just didn't hear me. (Flash forward here 20 years and let's see how well that flies with his future boss!) So I'm irked about that. I know he's only 8, but if I had a nickel for every time I heard him say "I didn't hear you" I'd be #1 on Forbes' 10 richest people list.
Dinner with Lee and the kids went well. He made me go get my dinner and insisted on sitting with Caleb. He even felt comfortable enough to tell Chase to quit talking about underwear at the dinner table. That impressed me.
We ended up going back to his house after dinner. Got to watch a little father daughter Kareoke. That was hilarious but cute. And then Lee had Caleb laughing from playing with him. Hunter was his usual quiet self. All in all a wonderful night. And Chase said I could marry him. Wasn't that nice of him? ;) So Saturday may be the last day I see him. Although he still hasn't gotten any orders yet from the Airforce so it may be delayed. Either he's going to the Azores or he's going somewhere else without his family for 15 months.
I've met a couple of creepy type of guys on this free internet dating site. It's enough to make me want to quit dating entirely and become celibit for the rest of my life. A guy old enough to be my father wouldn't leave me alone yesterday. Yuck. Ewww. *shudder*
Still working on getting financing for college. Trip up there, but should soon be resolved so I can get started.
Ah, well, another fun day at work awaits, so I must bid you all adieu. Time to go fly around the office and see how much paper I can push.
OMG. 6 pounds?!?!? I lost 6 pounds in one week. I was expecting a couple of pounds. Not six. Guess I did more in exercise than I thought. 4 more pounds gets me prepregnancy weight. And much better than the 204 from the nutritionists office. And yesterday I went through one of my I feel fat days too.
I think, for now, I'm just not going to date. The male population in general has been largely disappointing. What is up with all the men wanting you for nothing than sex? Call me a prude, but I think it should wait until you're married. God created sex for marriage for our protection....no STD's to worry about, no pregnancy to worry about...and plus, I feel it's a gift that I'm waiting to give whomever my future spouse is.
Lee still doesn't have orders. Apparantly a woman in the Dr.'s office lied to him about getting the paperwork back to the Azores. I've said my goodbye so I just asked him to simply call me when he knows when he's going so I can send him off with a prayer. This has to be a God thing, my heart not hurting so much anymore about this.
My boys went off to see their dad this weekend. Well, the two older ones did, anyway. And they both came back completely exhausted. They went to sleep right after I gave them dinner and didn't want to wake up this morning. Poor guys. Chase came back with a bazillion questions, the type of which you can tell dad's been trying to probe him for information. So I told him, 'my worry, not yours' and before long, he started asking something and then said, 'oh, nevermind.' I'm glad that God got me through this weekend. I thought I was going to hurl quite a few times. I wasn't worried about seeing him. I've been more worried about what he's going to do in retaliation. Their dad asked me if he was going to be able to talk to the boys this week and I said, 'nope,' got in the van and we headed towards home. And of course, the boys hadn't been fed....Chase said dad didn't have the money. Awww, poor dad. I feel no sorrow for him.
Went on a date Saturday and that was a mistake. From the moment we met I just didn't want to be there. I was never so happy to get a date over with. Ugh.
There was a resonating theme throughout all the sermons and lessons I heard over the weekend. All about how we can give God control over most of the things in our life, but how there is usually something we want to take control over. The Roman soldiers while getting baptized would hold their swords out of the water, as if to say, God, you have all of me except for my fighting. This is our war, not yours. Another church resonated this theme with how we tend to hang 'do not disturb' signs on the door of the things we don't want to let God have control of. As a human race, I have to think that this is where we all struggle, giving up control of everything to Christ. So my spiritual goals for the week have become two things: to allow God to search my heart and find out where I need to give Him control and to email each person in my FLOCK, asking where I can pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ. There was a whole 5 people in FLOCK this week (although it was most likely due to the OU/Texas football game), but one of the group leaders mentioned that our entire group has been under attack since around mid-July. I know I've been one of them. So it's time to join together with them in prayer.
Lee still doesn't have orders. That has to be frustrating. I'm trying to leave him be and not get in the way. Just simply told him to call me when he had orders so I could send him off with a prayer.
I've been talking to a new guy, Denny, whom was born with spina biffida and incredibly survived and is walking. Not all the time does he have the strength to walk, as his right leg muscles didn't quite develop properly. We've talked for a few days, and I'm looking forward to meeting him Saturday evening. So we'll see how that goes, but I think it will go well. Any guy who likes Grey's Anatomy as much as I do is ok on my list. He's an incredible flirt, though...so I'm going to have to watch myself and stick to my morals.
I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I went to a NASCAR race and had to weigh in and I couldn't believe my eyes, 169...and I was telling the gal standing there that there was no way I could weigh that already since I had just weighed 190. Silly, strange dreams.
I'm currently praying my heart out for my friend Dusti and her son, Sacarii, who has been in the NICU since being born September 29th, born at just over 27 weeks. His little lungs are finally giving out. And my heart is just breaking for her. Never in my life have I prayed so hard for a miracle.
And I'm having fun terrorizing my oldest son. Who HATES that I'm staying on top of him to keep things picked up, keep his bed made. It's so NOT.FAIR.
I wish my neighbors would quit coming home so late. Her and her family are so loud and ever since the break in, we've all been skiddish and it's difficult not to wake up to go check on things.
Me and the boys had fun decorating with the usual spider webs and plastic spiders last night. It sure was chilly here. Great night to make chili or chicken noodles but we ended up going to Wendy's instead. I'm so ready for the baseball season to be over so I can go back to watching House on Tuesday nights. So we watched Godzilla instead (the new one). It scared me half to death, but watching the godzilla like babies slipping around on gum and an assortment of balls absolutely tickled my funny bone and I could not stop laughing.
Ah, well, another fun yet busy day at work. So that's it for today.
Ok, I thought maybe I'd go on a date last night. With my comfy, oversized chair, a warm, soft quilt and the latest book from the Left Behind series.
Reality check. I got home, cooked dinner (burned dinner a bit), threw the older two kids in the tub. Who proceeded to get water everywhere on the bathroom floor. It wouldn't be a bath for them otherwise. So I sopped up the water and shooed them out of the bathroom to get dressed. And then insanely fed them rice krispy treats. Big mistake. Sugar high induced fun play time followed. So I pulled out the trusty monotone I MEAN IT voice and said STOP. ROUGH HOUSING. IN. THE. HOUSE! Like a bajillion times. And of course, they kept going until one of them got hurt and then would start again. Somewhere in the middle of the chaos I got Caleb to bed. I settled down to watch Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. At 9, I turned off the TV and the lights and heard the usual non stop whine of MOOOOM, I DON'T WAAAAANA GO TO BED. So I tearily said I needed for them to go to bed because I NEEDED SLEEP. (Tears, they work on daddy's and little kids when a mom is just tired.) Thankfully, they stayed in bed for once and just slept. So I got on the phone with two of my closest friends from Kansas and we caught up on life. And then crashed hard. Until Hunter woke up with a bad dream and came to sleep in my bed. And then Caleb woke up screaming a couple of times. And then Chase came in sometime in the early hours of the morning and said he'd had a bad dream, so could he please come sleep with me? So I got Hunter and carried him back to his bed, and Chase crawled in my bed. Before I knew it, my alarm was going off, I prayed for God to help me get up and out of bed. My pillow, how I miss thee.
I talked to Lee last night and got the most heartbreaking news ever. It turns out that since his son has asthma, the kids weren't approved to go to the Azores. Which means he will be without them for 15 months. Do you know how difficult it is to hear a father crying on the phone b/c he's going to miss out on 2 Christmases, 4 birthdays and one birthday of his with his kids? I couldn't help but pray for this man that God has grown on my heart so much. Which makes me wonder if he's the reason all the guys I've met lately have been complete idiots. I even had a dream about Lee last night, something to do with my ex but he sat there by my side and just held my hand. I'm so far beyond understanding what God has planned for us, for him...but I care deeply for this man. I do know that.
So I'll end this entry with a scripture I need to be reminded of myself:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11, NIV
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
4 Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Forgive my hidden faults. God has really been speaking to my heart about hidden faults over the weekend. Where I, as a child of God, have failed Him. So thankful I am for His grace and forgiveness! The prayer of my heart today, God, is that of verse 14. Make everything I say today pleasing to you, and allow my heart today to not meditate on the things of the world, but on You.
There's some sort of weird phenomenon going on with my weight loss. I weighed myself Friday and I had gained a pound. So to step on the scale this morning and see 4 more pounds gone was a complete shock. I weighed myself a few times, just to make sure I was reading the scale correctly. I don't know how you're accomplishing this within me God, but thank you for helping me get healthy!
Lee and I had a wonderful time over the weekend. We went to P.F. Chang's (my favorite!) and then out to a lake in the area, where we found a remote spot so I could play the violin for him. Which totally made me shake uncontrollably from being nervous. But he liked it. And then we sat and talked for a while as usual, ending the evening with prayer. I'll be praying for Lee, as he leaves October 30 to head for the Azores. And I'll be praying, as he has admitted that he has great difficulty prioritizing his life. And then Sunday came and around noon, I found myself crying again. How I am going to miss this man.
And incredibly, a man named Tim from Plenty of Fish emailed me. Ten emails in one day. I talked to him a bit and all I heard was his ex this, his ex that...and I thought, oh no, I'm just going to be a leaning post. But it has become so clear that he is definitely a man after God's heart. I stay wary, but only because so recently men have emailed, claiming to be Christians, but then pushing for sex. But he definitely knows the Bible. So we'll see how this goes. But I am praying for wisdom and discernment here. Knowing that this man is already in ministry is giving the devil a chance to feed me a great lie...that I'm not good enough for this man. But I know in my head I AM good enough because I am a child of God. I am complete in Him. And I want nothing less than what God wants for me, especially in regards to a future mate.
I found myself so frustrated with the boys this weekend. Especially Hunter. Who managed to get paint all over my bed and then all over the carpet on my living room floor. I tried to keep my cool and not yell at them, but I really lost it. And felt horrid for yelling at them. No use crying over spilled milk (or paint, for that matter). So by the end of the night I hugged all three of them and told them I'm so sorry I yelled at them, asked for them to forgive me, and told them all that I loved them.
I'm still praying my heart out for my friend Dusti and Sacarii. He started having seizures over the weekend, and the docs have told her that if he survives, there will very likely be some mental and developmental issues. And Dusti, I worry for her, praying that while things are calm, that she will get some much needed rest. I wish I could be there for her in person, but all I can do is offer up encouragement, love and prayer and have to be content to let God work. I'm amazed this tiny life has hung on for so long, but I know it's God working in his little life.
Well, busy week here at work, so time to wrap this up.