FEEL FREE TO POST ANY COMMENTS HERE IN MY JOURNAL. I DON'T MIND
Why is it then, that I'm not feeling too blessed?
Well, perhaps it's because this little one is my ex husband's baby. Because we've been divorced since late February. And it was a totally messy divorce. Cost me $17K and a lot of heartaches.
I was 7 mos pregnant with Caleb (who is 8 mos old as of this date) when my ex decided to have an affair with my then best friend. What kind of man does that to his wife? I left in October of 2005 and have been on my own ever since. And to somehow justify his affair, he began accusing me of having an affair with my then boss, saying that Caleb wasn't even his. It was my sheer joy to inform him that there was NO way Caleb wasn't his...my boss had a vascectomy 4 years ago. What an idiot. And God has a sense of humor, as Caleb looks exactly like his dad.
Maybe it was the Vicophrophen I was on July 29th, who knows. But I made the choice to have sex with my ex. And after all the miscarriages and TTC headaches, it only took once. And here I am, pregnant again.
This is baby #9, although I do have 5 angels. And 3 wonderful little boys who are the pride and joy of my life.
I am scared to death to have to tell my family, who will NOT be happy with this and who will in large part be so disappointed in me, that I'll probably be disowned as they all dislike my ex.
Not to mention, I have a high risk pregnancy to deal with all on my own. I already feel so abandoned. Two of my friends have walked out on me because of their disappointment in me. That hurt. Just when I need people the most, they're abandoning me.
And my new OB office called today and rescheduled my appointment for tomorrow. If I don't get on Prometrium soon, this baby will not make it.
Good thing I KNOW that God never has and never will abandon me. Because He is the only One I know I can depend on right now. Everyone keeps saying that this baby is a blessing. That God does everything for a reason. I just don't want to do this alone...
Last edited by ShiningLight; 04-02-2008 at 10:28 AM.
Well, my doctor's office finally did call late yesterday. They had to reschedule my appointment due to the doctor being in surgery today. This particular nurse didn't know about the high risk problems I've experienced in the past, so after I told her this list:
Type II Diabetic, Insulin Dependent
Luteal Phase Deficiency (Don't make enough progesterone to keep the pregnancy going)
1 Preterm Birth at 20 weeks
Pregnancy Induced Hypertension
She then wondered why on earth I was being seen in their clinic and not the high risk clinic.
After about 15 minutes, she called me back and they rescheduled for 8/29 at 1:45 in the high risk obstetrical care.
A good friend of mine from here on pg.org called me last night, and was quite encouraging. You know who you are, and I just wanted to tell you thank you for being encouraging and boosting my spirits!
Yesterday would have marked my 10 year anniversary. Sad, isn't it?
Still trying to figure out how I should tell my family about all of this. This still terrifies me more than anything.
And I'm still not quite sure how to handle this pregnancy alone. I did it with Caleb, I should be able to do it with this little one. There are times when I'm at peace and then there are times where I absolutely panic.
Who knows? Maybe I'll finally get the little girl I've wanted for so many years. Being that I know 7 of the 8 pregnancies I've gone through have all been boys, I'm not holding out much hope here, but you never know.
I went to church last night (I go to Celebrate Recovery, as people can recover from many things, not just drugs or alcohol), and this college aged guy sat down next to me. He had been smoking pot or cigarettes or something, and I just about hurled from the smell. And I discovered I have a complete intolerance to anything sweet, chocolate included.
I'm more than frustrated with my ex. Downright angry doesn't even cover it. He promised he would wire some money so I could buy groceries for the boys. Surprise, surprise, he didn't do it. So we got into an argument and he hung up on me. What a jerk. The man is never going to change.
And I can tell already that he's thinking one of two things. This baby either isn't his, or I purposely did this to trap him into having to pay more child support.
Talked to a few people from Celebrate Recovery last night, and as a result of this conversation I'm going back to counseling. It's going to take a massive amount of therapy to get through this. To learn to set boundaries with my ex. To find out what it is that keeps me coming back to him, even though he's put me and the boys through hell over the past year. Everyone keeps asking if we're going to reconcile, but I know without a doubt the answer to that is a resounding NO WAY.
Talked to the child support office in Kansas and they've sent an income withholding order to his new employer. His employer has until August 31st to either respond that he doesn't work for them or start paying out the $$. The extra $789/month right now would really help out.
I told my grandma about this little one. She sent me the following reply:
God bless her for that! Makes me love her all the more for being so supportive.Rachael,
I AM NOT disappointed in you!! I love you. Just wish it hadn't happened but it did. It is your baby and we will love him or her just as much as we do your other three. My heart goes out to you. If anyone understands it is me. I'm glad to hear that you will not be taking the "creep" back. He doesn't deserve you. Just put your faith and trust in God - he already knows all about it anyway and he is a forgiving God and loves us unconditionally. A baby is precious and if God helps you to carry this one to full term he has great plans for you and the baby. Nothing in life is easy and it will be hard. Financially I can't help at this time but I can support you with our love and prayers. When will your baby be due? Love you MUCH.
Which brings me back around to how to tell the family I'm dreading to tell. It was suggested that I have an action plan before I tell them because I will have to be strong in my resolve, for they're going to have plenty of advice for me.
Hunter climbed into bed with me last night. This morning I watched him for awhile as he slept, thinking about how stubborn and silly he is. And then I gave Caleb a bath, and couldn't help but laugh as he splashed happily in the tub. And I'm thankful so much for Chase, who never hesitates to remind me that he loves me with those sometime painful bear hugs. Oh, my grape sized little one, mommy does love you very much. I sure do love my little family, and can't help but thank God for His provision for us over the past year.
So now, it's on to trying to find someone to be my support person for the next 8 months, to help get me through this, as I know my ex just isn't going to be there as usual. Nothing changes, does it?
And, for your viewing pleasure, my first belly pic for this baby.
Made the decision yesterday that it is definitely time to go back to counseling. For whatever reason, I'm having difficulty letting go of my marriage. I do know that I don't love my ex, not one bit. And I have no desire to reconcile. And the overall feeling is that there isn't going to be another man out there who will love me and my kids, and won't want to deal with my headaches. It's not fair to make another man take care of my children or deal with my ex. In this regards, me getting pregnant is a good thing, as I'm about to deal with all those things I've tried to bury, like the anger at the situation and the way my ex keeps acting. Time to learn to set some definite boundaries in regards to my ex. Time to learn to take control again. Time to learn how not to react when my ex does.
I sat in church last night and for the first time since finding out I was pregnant and cried. And I couldn't stop. I must have been such a mess. But for the first time, after days of praying about all of this, I feel like God's finally listening and planning to answer. And this morning I woke up at 6 a.m. and I was thinking about this baby and felt suddenly like I was in the very presence of God, and He was hugging me for dear life.
And then, this morning, I got the most wonderful passage of scripture from a friend of mine. As though this is a promise God's giving me about this whole situation.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your GOD. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you. Do not fear; I will help you.
Well, I wish something would change, but so far, no such luck. Still no signs of support from my ex. Still not surprised. Still haven't told my family yet.
I am, however, waiting on a call from my new OB to get rid of this painful UTI. I've been downing low sugar cranberry juice to help since I can't take anything until the doc gets me something.
I am tired today. I took a letter from my DC provider to the state office, so hopefully I'll be seeing an increase in food assistance shortly. We're running very low on food, so the extra help would be nice.
I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend without the kids, as the ex has them for the weekend. I hope I can catch up on sleep.
My oldest son was up at 1:30 last night, cleaning up the kitchen for me trying to surprise me. I'm a light sleeper, so he didn't get very far before I woke up, but he made me cry. I can't believe an 8 y/o would do something like this, just to help his mom out. I told him that he needed to go to bed, though, since he had school today. But I told the DC provider he could take a nap if he needs to.
What a weekend it has been!
My OB's office finally helped me after I called twice and left messages and got no response. They told me to go to the ER for my UTI. However, since I don't have insurance yet, I'll be waiting until Tuesday when I see the OB. I've been downing a ton of cranberry juice and thus am not experiencing any symptoms, so hopefully the juice did the trick. We'll see tomorrow.
My ex didn't show up at 7:30 as usual on Friday to see the boys. He showed up at 4:58 on Saturday. I was packing up the boys to head to church and he shows up. I told him he'd have to pack the boys a bag and to make sure he locked up the house.
I got home at 10 p.m. and he was still AT MY HOUSE. Saying he didn't get a paycheck this week because the payroll department screwed up their paychecks. So the boys pretty much stayed at my house the entire weekend and he slept out in his truck. I really did not enjoy this weekend, having to spend so much time with him. What it was that stopped me from telling him sorry, you're broke, I'm not going to support you since you don't support your kids and I'm already struggling to support them...I don't know. Sigh. And he makes it even harder when he calls and tells me that he still loves me and he wants to work things out. How? I ask him. You drive a truck over the road and it would take a massive amount of counseling. So reconciliation isn't possible.
I have to liken my lack of being bold and standing up to him on one thing. I've heard that women who are in abusive relationships, even though they know what's going on in their relationship isn't good for them or for their kids, they can't leave or seem to stay away. I have to wonder if that's what's going on with me. I know he's a destructive influence on my life and the life of my children. He's not healthy for me. Yet I keep allowing him to run me over. And over. And over. I hope I'm able to gain confidence to tell him how it is and soon, because after this past weekend, I have quite a hatred for myself for being so weak.
I talked to my aunt for quite awhile, and asked her to pray because I am having a huge problem with letting go of my marriage. She suggested that when he shows up to pick up the boys and leaves that she will come over and stand with me so I don't fall. I like that suggestion. It keeps me from being weak and it keeps me accountable.
While talking to her, I found out she had a baby before she met my uncle. And her mom treated her horribly. She eventually gave the baby up for adoption, but it was nice to know that I have another cousin that I didn't know about. I asked her if she regretted her decision and she said no, because she knew her little girl was with a great family who could take care of her. I think God knew I needed for me to hear what she went through, just so I could know that I would have her empathy and not disdain. So out of the three people I have left to tell about this baby, I think she will be the first one I tell.
Oh, and, I got a lovely call from my ex and he tells me to stop bashing him to the kids. Every time he says he's going to be here on time, I say "Yeah, right." Being that the last 3 weekends he's had them, he hasn't been on time and has been very late. I told him it's not bashing him to the boys. It's keeping them in reality. They are the ones that suffer when he promises to be here on time to pick them up. And then he says he took Monday off to spend extra time with them since he was late. And I told him sorry, that wouldn't be happening because he doesn't get extra time just because he can't be here on time. He knows when he's supposed to see them in advance. If he can't make it here on time, it's his problem. How many times can his supposedly brand new semi truck break down, anyway?
And then he tells me that he's rented a cabin to take the boys camping next weekend. And would I like to go along? Is he JOKING? I told him that it wouldn't be a good idea...
My ex totally shocked me yesterday. He called around lunch and asked me to keep an eye on Hurricane Ernesto b/c the trucking company is sending him to Florida. I told him to be careful and he said he would, since he has FOUR kids and a bratty ex wife to take care of. Of course, he told me he was just joking about the bratty part.
After he talked to the boys yesterday he wanted to talk to me again. Asking how I'm doing, telling me I need to eat even though I'm feeling very sick.
He can't make anything easy, can he? I need to let go of my marriage and the destructive influence he has on my life.
I told my celebrate recovery group I was expecting. And I finally gathered up enough courage to write my Aunt a letter. She read it last night, and all she said to me this morning was "Have a good day, Ma'am." I asked her if she read the letter and she said, "Yep." So I said "Ok." And I left to get to work.
I have a WIC appointment (I hate that these people try to act like your doc) at 11 today and then a peri appointment at 1:45 today. Which reminds me, I'd better get some directions.
NEW EDD: 4/15/07
I know, I jumped a week gestation overnight. This is because my doc changed my EDD. I had a rather boring first peri appointment, which is good when you're high risk. I weigh 186, my blood pressure was great at 122/77. They did a pap and the usual blood tests. I had her test me for more than the usual STD's, just in case. And I have a yeast infection and an UTI. How fun. More medicine. She took me off the metformin and we're upping my insulin. Despite that the docs are telling me not to self adjust my insulin, I will be anyway because I've been a diabetic for five years and I know what works. And I'm not going to run high blood sugars waiting on a doc to tell me what I need to do with my insulin.
They didn't do an u/s, which surprised me. But I go back September 25th for an u/s and another appointment, and then they'll schedule me for my cerclage at 14 weeks. Which makes me nervous b/c I've always gotten them around 12 or 13 weeks b/c by 11 weeks I'm already feeling a ton of pressure. I also get to do yet another fun 24 hour urine test. I hate those things. And I got 5 vials of blood drawn and I'll get another five when I go back. I hate getting stuck with those huge needles. Other than that, it was a good appointment and nothing exciting to report.
I got home last night and discovered my house was broken into. Amazingly, nothing was taken, but the screen and the window was busted out in my boys' bedroom. All the more reason for me to get out of there. I called the PD and they came out and filed a report. My landlord didn't seem to care much. If I can, I'll be moving this week because I don't want to loose the little stuff I do have to a thief.
Life as a single mom does tend to suck at times.
I don't know how I'm going to make it until September 25th for an ultrasound. I'm accustomed to having them early on and it's a huge sigh of relief. I'll be 11 weeks along then. I've never had an u/s so late in my pregnancy for a first one. Oh well. I'm just going to have to trust that God knows what he's doing.
My blood sugars are completely crazy right now. They should be running 90 or less in the mornings and below 120 2 hours after I eat. They're running 170-190 in the morning and 150-170 after I eat. I know this is because I got off the glucophage, which helps decrease my insulin resistance. But high blood sugars aren't a good thing. So I'm readjusting like crazy, trying to get my body to work right for this little one. I think I may request a visit with the nutritionist so I can get a refresher course on diet, etc.
I brought all three of the boys with me to work yesterday morning since my Great Aunt Al is in the hospital and had to get part of her intestine removed (she's getting up there in years). So my aunt went up to visit her. Boy, was that a huge mistake I won't be making again. It was difficult to get much of anything done with all three of them with me. She called at 10 a.m. and said she was home, so we headed over there. My floor was littered with cheese crackers and paper. Oh well, job security for the cleaning crew I guess.
So far the intruder hasn't been back. I am just praying my heart out that God will get me moved this weekend and that He'll provide the $500 extra dollars I'm going to need to move. Thankfully, the guys in my Sunday School class (we call it a FLOCK) have volunteered to move me.
I felt the first tiny little flutters yesterday. Doesn't make me any less nervous that this baby is going to make it, but gave me some reassurance since my body seems to be adjusting to the symptoms of being pregnant and they're not hitting me as hard as they were even 2 weeks ago.
The ex thinks he's going to be here on time. Being that he was still in Florida yesterday I highly doubt it. We got home from church yesterday and neither one of the boys really wanted to talk to him last night. That surprised me. My oldest even said this morning that it was only 1 more day until his dad got here, but he doubted that his dad would make it on time. So at least I've got him in reality now on that.
My two older boys decided to stay up until Midnight last night, which has made me decide that they need to get into a bedtime routine AND start sleeping in their room at night instead of sleeping in the living room and watching TV. And I'm trying the CIO method with Caleb, but it doesn't seem to be working well, especially since my two older boys keep coming in and telling me he's crying, or going in the room to comfort him.
Hopefully, things will do a turn around soon. I'm just worried that Mr. Intruder will come back at some point, so I'm not sleeping well.
Do you ever just wonder when the hell the world is going to cave in on you?
My day was yesterday. Got a speeding ticket on the way home. Don't speed in the state of Oklahoma. The ticket will cost you at the very least $162. Couldn't tell the officer that I was trying to hurry and get to a gas station b/c my blood sugar was crashing and I didn't want to pass out.
Then I pick up the kids, who are acting completely horrible at Wal-Mart, where we've gone so I can pick up my prescriptions. And I learn two things. My doc in Kansas called in one prescription, so for my medical card to cover it, I've got to get my doc here in Oklahoma to switch the script into her name. And then I find out that my caseworker conveniently has forgotten to include prescription coverage for my medical card.
And the state won't cover my Aunt watching the boys, since she's not licensed. So I chuch out $975/month in daycare for my 3 kids, which kills me financially and I have no money left over at all at the end of the month. As it stands now, I get a whopping $50/month in food stamps. And this worker is biding his time and being slower than snot getting my food stamps increased so we can eat. I barely have any food in my house. And I'm supposed to get the $50 on my card TODAY but not even that amount was on there.
And my ex still isn't paying child support, the jerk. That extra $800/month would really help right now. And I'm sick of him showing up really late to pick the boys up on his weekends. So I told him show up on time, or don't come see the boys. He knows ahead of time when he's supposed to see them, but doesn't show up until sometimes 24 hours later. This isn't fair to the boys, and it isn't fair to me. Of course, he tells me that I wanted visitation this way, so he doesn't need to help support them. This was up to the judge, and I shouldn't have to pay for 100% of their support. I'm really getting pissed. Of course, my 8 y/o is mad at me b/c he might not get to see his dad.
And my house was broken into Tuesday afternoon. Nothing was taken, but I haven't slept well since then, worried that the person will show back up. And the apartment complex I applied at keeps telling me that they've been trying to get ahold of my landlord and can't reach her. So I called and left her a message asking them to please call them so I can move. She leaves me a message at 11 pm last night telling me she doesn't need the attitude and that they haven't called her. You'd be witchy too if you weren't sleeping well b/c you're worried for your kids! So I called the apartment complex back and told them that either way, I have to have an answer today so I know who I'm paying.
Somebody shoot me now and put me out of my misery!
I talked to the doc's office this morning about getting an insulin pump. So they're starting the paperwork. I guess there's at least one good thing out of all this mess!