Oy vey. What a night.
Left early. My silly soon to be hubby went and broke his key in the trunk yesterday. I picked up a new one from the car lot. That was fun, because I'm only 24 1/2 weeks pg and the car lot salesman looked at me like I was about to explode. Picked up key and stopped at convenience store for caffeine. I had a huge migraine by this time, so I figured it might help. The cashier looked at me like I was a ticking time bomb. Which made me laugh again. I wasn't joking when I said I looked like the Hindenburg.
Anyway, I took said key to Ryan and then pulled in the driveway after arriving home. "Ring! Honey, it's me. There's something wrong with the car now and I need you to come get me." After dropping of his suit to be drycleaned for the wedding (and I discovered I had just washed his dry clean only slacks. oops) and picking up the boys from daycare, back to his work I go, and then arrive to discover I now don't need to take him home. As it turns out, the key is electronically coded so now we have to call a locksmith. Again! Argh. (I wonder if the banging head guy is why I have a headache!)
Hi-ho-hi-ho it's back home we go. After folding yet another endless pile of laundry, I played with the boys a bit and then tried to lay down for about 30 minutes because I was exhausted from the migraine. Try doing that with a clingy, cranky, two year old sometime. It's an experience.
Ryan finally gets home and I'm thinking I *might* get to take a quick nap but nope. Quickly things explode into an argument. I've decided the only difference between being a single mom and a married mom is that you gain an extra kid in your husband, which means--you guessed it--more work for me. Sigh. Again.
Then the tornado sirens start going off, just as I'm cooking dinner. Greeeeeat. It was kinda fun watching the rotating clouds start to descend as a tornado and then back up into the clouds it goes. The pea sized hail that quickly turned into golf ball sized hall bouncing off the front porch and into the house was cool too. However, having a husband who is completely excitable about stuff like this and two scared kids, well, not such a good thing. I had to keep reminding him to calm down. I know tornadoes excite him, 'cause it's a love we share in common, but when you have a scared four and two year old, it's not a good thing to watch an adult talking 90 to nothin' in a high pitched voice, bouncing around like the energizer bunny from excitement. I took the boys and we put pillows and blankets in the tub just in case, and at one point, we even had to take cover for a bit, but thankfully, no hail damage and no harm done. That same cloud later produced a multi-vertex twister just north of us. Thank you Father for Your protection!
So after another argument about how we both work and I need help but how I never let him rest, I gave up. I think I'm just going to work myself into the ground and keep adding to my exhaustion until I collapse. Supermom saves the day. Then perhaps he'll realize that being a parent and taking care of kids is sometimes a thankless job. But for now, I'll let my actions speak louder than my words and keep doing what I've done for my family and then perhaps God will work on Ryan to begin to help an already exhausted mom. I just don't know how much longer I can keep going. I've been working on picking up the house, little by little each morning, and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
We leave our garage door open at night because my washer and dryer are in there, and there's no door from the house to the garage. So it was nice waking up around 5:00 instead of 5:30 when a police officer loudly banged on the front door wanting to know if we're aware that the garage door was open. Um, yep. Nice to know our nieghborly PD watches out for us. Being that they office right next door to where we live, I'm sure it wasn't out of their way.
And just when you're asking God how to handle this whole situation regarding help around the house, He answers....I'm going to try this and see how this works!
Last edited by ShiningLight; 05-02-2008 at 10:50 AM.
Nothing tests a relationship like moving one household of 3 into a household of 4 with one baby on the way into a 3-bedroom house. I'm thankful for Freecycle. Most of the stuff that Ryan has at his house, we don't want. So I post it on Freecycle, and 'voila! People come with their trucks and pick it up and we don't have to move it!
I keep looking at everything in my house, and there's less and less space. I'm going to have to become the organization queen at this rate. We've set down rules for the kids...now, if they could just remember all of them, we'd be doing well. Time. I keep telling myself that we have to give it time.
15 more weeks 'till Hannah Banana is here, and 19 days 'till the wedding...so much to do, so little time....
All was quiet in the house, except for the gentle patter of raindrops as they nourished the dry ground.
"MAMA!" Broke my silent slumber, and I turned over and groaned, "Whaaaaaaat?"
"Owwwww, mama," said my two year old.
"Ok, hon, climb up here in bed with mama and let's go back night-night."
Into bed he climbs, snuggles up with me and instantly falls back asleep, unless I turn over and snuggle up with Ryan, and then the whining starts.
I was really only joking when I said 5:30 came early. 4:30 comes even earlier, because I don't sleep well with a two-year old in my bed. I'll be very happy when Caleb decides to go to sleep easily at night and stays in his bed all night. Moving him out of the crib hasn't been an easy transition.
Thankfully, Ryan and I have some much-needed kid free days, through Friday night. We were just talking last night about how we've got to schedule a date night just for us, sans kids, for our sanity and for the health of our marriage. That means I'll have time to study for finals this week and we can spend time alone in peace and quiet.
Tonight is our OMI workshop, the second of four classes we're taking so we can get a cheaper marriage license. It's been quite interesting. We both thought it would perhaps be more God-focused, but really, it's been communication-focused thus far. We still have so much to discuss and work out in our communication styles. Ryan comes from a background of yellers and do-it-my-way-or-else family. I refuse to fight, and I can't stand it when annoying little tiffs escalate into huge arguments. I do a lot of praying about this very issue, because most of the time it appears that we're not hearing one another, but somehow, God keeps us understanding one another in a way of communication we both understand.
The pastor told us once we set a date for the wedding, time would fly by. Really? It feels like it is d-r-a-g-g-i-n-g to both of us. I know we stay pretty busy but still, it's snailville at our house. Funny thing, with five kids running around and stuff to clean and reorganize so everything fits.
*Yawn* I wish they had naptime for adults at work. I could really use one today.
Another lovely morning with the sound of gentle rain made it quite difficult to get out of bed. I wish it was a Sunday, and we had no kids to wake us up early, just so we could snuggle longer.
We went to our second OMI workshop last night. I am so thrilled at what we're learning about communication in this class. I do think the speaker-listener model (where one person has the floor, keeps statements brief and me focused, and the listener repeats back to the speaker what they've heard) is going to work well for us in the long run. Granted, it's not easy when you want to sit there and voice your thoughts and opinions, but as we learned, "When given my say, I won't have to have things my way." Sometimes just knowing that we're truly being heard is a good thing when it comes to communication. The other topic of interest was how it takes you saying four positive things to your spouse to wipe out one negative thing you've said.
What we learned, I think, is going to help with my oldest son. We've fought too much lately, and I think teaching him this speaker-listener form of communication will help him feel like we're listening to him, and help us know he's heard what we're telling him. We're also going to focus this weekend on pointing out the positive things he does, instead of the negative like we constantly seem to do. We agreed that for one weekend, we're going to let the negative things slide and only point out the postive.
The other point of interest was not only does your spouse need to hear the words "I love you," but "I need you," goes a long way to affirm your spouse. We're both ready to implement some new forms of communication, that's for certain, and we're both very thankful for this workshop. Hard to believe it's halfway completed now.
17 days feels like an eternity when you're working to abstain from sex so your pastor will marry you. I've had to get up a lot lately and leave the room just to keep the hormones in check. If you're a praying person, pray that we can keep this bond of purity between us. We've had to fight hard to do so and neither of us wants to ruin what we've worked so hard to do in the first place.
Speaking of the wedding, I'll share a few pictures for your viewing pleasure:
First, my dress:
And me, at 24 weeks, 5 days with my DD Abigail:
Here are some abstinence vibes for you and Ryan~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.......and a few more~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ : -)
You can (not) do it! It will be worth it!
16 more days and counting.
As much as I love my boys, I will admit that I was so angry with my ex for his last minute laziness in regards to picking up the youngest two boys from daycare, that I let out a string of explitives I shall not utter here. But shame on me for doing so. The rant, though, will have to wait.
I'll be hiding for the next two days. Three psychology finals to study for.
Can you say WOOO WHOOO?!?!?!?! School is OVER for three whole months!!! I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. One stressor gone at least.
Mother's Day. What a day I'd rather not remember. Perhaps me writing about it here will let everyone know that hey, I'm human.
I made it perfectly clear the day before that I wanted to spend a day in bed, with no kids and no mom duties. So when the first comment I got was, "Go change Caleb's diaper, you're not laying in bed all day!" Yeah..the day went downhill from there. I'm still irritated. Being a mom is like any other job...so why can't for one freakin' day can't I be left alone to get some much needed rest? Oh, because you're a Father and you're not wired to do a mom's job. And yet, he wonders why everything he tried to do yesterday was met with a cold shoulder and a heaping plate of rejection. So I vote that there is no more Mother's Day or Father's Day. Completely useless. Just useless. It's like any other day. Add on top of that a nine year old with the flu and a two year old cutting molars.
It's official. I'm not marrying a husband. I'm marrying another child, and gaining three children. Why bother?
Last edited by ShiningLight; 05-12-2008 at 11:28 AM.
Not normally a two-posts in one day kind of gal, but today warrants it so I don't sit here in a funk the rest of the afternoon.
I don't know if I should be angry or upset or if I should feel nothing. Maybe I should feel nothing and then avoid dealing with this whole stupid situation.
Why does every discussion we have turn into you're doing this and that and then it escalates into an all-out character attack? You wonder why I shut down? Because I'm trying to avoid yelling, because I won't yell. It frustrates you, because I hear you elevating your voice and getting more excitable. You wonder why I cry? Because I hurt too. It's not just me. I feel like going home and just carrying on, saying nothing because I'm hurting inside. I can't open up to you the way you seem to think that I should. I'm not worrying about you hurting me like my ex or like any other man has in the past. I need you to hear me, and I need you to listen, but I can't seem to get in a word edgewise because I get interrupted, and I can't say how I feel. I am so frustrated with the way this relationship is going that I'm afraid to marry you because for my heart's sake, for the sake of the kids, for the sake of our unborn daughter, this has to work. No, I don't expect you to be perfect. I heard everything you said this afternoon perfectly. You feel that I have to be in control. You feel that I expect you to live up to my standards of perfection. You feel like I expect you to be my slave. If I'm not in control, I shut down. I heard every word. Yet, there's still no solution. I still don't understand what it is exactly that you expect me to do. It doesn't help that so many of our arguments have started out with you calling me by your ex wife's name. I'm not her. Here I am, miserable and pregnant, and I didn't know that me asking you to do certain things made you feel like a slave. I'm sorry I'm tired right now, I'm sorry I'm not at the top of my game like I am when I'm not pregnant. When in reality, I feel so run down from taking care of this family, that there are days I'd rather do anything but go home. Do I go on and say nothing about needing you to help? That I need you to cook dinner sometimes, and remember to clean up after yourself. I want to throw my hands up in frustration because I am so, so tired. I can't keep going like this, and we can't keep going like this. I mean seriously, do I have to land in the hospital so you can see I need you? It's not all me and my issues all the time. I'm hurting incredibly right now, but yet because of the constant escalations I can't tell you that I hurt. I can only sit next to you with a trembling lip and tears that fall and just pray that I could be anywhere else right now but with you. I'll go to counseling with you, but one session isn't going to solve this...we need this, I agree.
Even more discussion, and no resolution. My fiancee feels like he's my slave and he does too much; I feel worn down and if it keeps going this way, I'll end up in the hospital. Can I forgive? You bet. I'm definitely continuing to pray about this and asking God to help. I keep hearing 1 Peter 3. I Peter 3, for those of you who aren't Bible readers, says this:
It's difficult right now, for me to show love to someone who's acting unloveable right now. When he's not around, I allow the tears to fall to help drain me of the immense hurt I feel. My intent in all of this was not to cause him harm, and I understand he's hurting right now. I understand that he's pretty much lived a bachelor lifestyle for the past couple of years, not really having to take care of his daughters since they've been in foster care. It's just been him. I'm trying to give him an hour every day to unwind and keep the kids out of his hair, because I know giving him that time allows him to be a better husband and father. Me, on the other hand, to say that I need to rest would be a vast understatement. I woke up this morning at 5:30 as usual and had to go back to sleep for 45 minutes after he left for work. I'm still exhausted to the point I want to go home and sleep for the rest of the day. But I can't. We have a meeting at 4 with the pastor and then I've got to get dinner going and off to the OMI workshop from 6:30-9:30.1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
On a better note, my two youngest boys decided that their teddy bears had to be buckled in if they were going to leave them in the van to go to work with mama. It's rather cute.
Still, no resolution, and with each passing day, the grief is growing and I find myself crying whenever he's not around.
Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to relay to Ryan that I'm increasingly becoming exhausted. I thought that perhaps he would be more understanding, but every time I've brought this up, it becomes that he is tired at the end of the day, and he needs his me time. So I aquised and gave him a good hour of 'me' time after I come home to relax and do nothing.
I understand that his girls have been away from him for almost the entire time he was divorced, so he really hasn't had much responsibility except taking care of himself. He got accustomed to coming home and being able to relax most of the night and not worrying about taking care of anyone else. I feel that because of this, he's not willing at the moment to step into the role of helper right now. It's shown up as we've discussed this, because the last discussion involved him telling me how much I'm hurting him, that I'm too controlling of him, that I ask him to do things I could easily do myself, and that he feels like my slave because I'm constantly asking him if he can do various tasks, one right after the other. My goal wasn't to cause him harm, and my desire is to bring him good. So after hearing his side, I no longer feel like I can ask for his help because I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to be controlling.
You were correct when you said we're complete opposites. I'm not a neat freak but I do like things to be orderly--important when you have 8 people in a 3 bedroom house with a limited amount of space so everything is more easily found. On the other side, he's messy. Messy as in leave clothes everywhere, leave dirty dishes everywhere for days on end, nothing put away and roaches crawling everywhere. I've seen this over the past year and especially over the past few days as I've worked on cleaning up his house. As in, if DHS walked in his front door and saw his house like that, the girls would be back in custody for neglect kind of messy. What's the compromise here?
As our discussion escalated, it turned into him telling me that I'm afraid that he's going to hurt me like every other man in my past has. I'm still trying to figure out why he feels that I'm afraid he's going to hurt me. Yes, I've been in a bad string of relationships, but I'm not afraid he'll hurt me. I know God has healed me of that part of my life because I can think back on my past and I don't feel angry, bitter, or hurt about anything that happened. I know God allowed me to feel and experience certain things because it's going to come in handy when a woman comes to me, tells me her story, and I can say "I know a lot of how you feel right now because I've been there." It goes a long way in ministering to people.
And it worries me because several times he started out a discussion calling me by his ex wife's name...because then I know some transferrence is going to happen. Just the other day he was telling me how unmotivated and lazy Alisha was during her pregnancies, and I'm nothing like her. Yesterday, I was dumbfounded as he said that she was very 'get up and go' during pregnancy and I'm the tired one.
I'm also worried because our communication style isn't changing. I have faith that it will. I know it frustrates Ryan because he feels that I won't open up to him. When most of the discussions involve Ryan quickly raising his voice and getting excitable, I try to keep the discussion calm. Yes, I will admit that I shut down at times because I'm struggling with my own feelings of anger and I don't want to say something I may regret later. I don't feel like I can share my thoughts and feelings with someone who is me focused at the moment and who is not hearing what I have to say.
Plain and simple, I'm increasingly becoming tired. As I've prayed about this, God's pointed me out to I Peter 3, and I've taken it to heart and I'm asking God how I need to change and what I can do to be a better wife to Ryan. I was hoping when the school semester ended and that burden was off my shoulders I might feel better. But really, I don't. My days start at 5:30 a.m. every day except for Sunday, because I get up and cook breakfast and get Ryan's lunch made so he can get out the door for work (and I do this because it's a way I know he feels loved). Mondays I have the added stress of getting two extra children ready to go in the morning, and I know that soon this will be daily, as the responsibility of getting kids up and out the door will be mine. I come home at the end of the day and I try to make sure Ryan has an hour of me time so he can relax because he's a better father and husband because of it. After dinner and dishes are done, it's time to work on getting kids ready for bed and then I might have time to sit down with the kids and relax. Saturdays are busy right now because I have five kids and we're always working on getting Ryan's house cleaned. I don't feel like I can ask Ryan for help any longer because of his insistence that I ask too much of him already. I'm just exhausted, and asking God for the strength each day to keep going because I'm worried that if I have to keep going like this much longer, I'm going to land in the hospital from exhaustion. I'm not trying to be supermom, but I do feel like Ryan expects me to be right now because of his own feelings he's shared. When I don't really feel like home is a place of refuge for me and I really dread going there at the end of the day, I know it's not a good thing.
What, really, do I do here?