Above all be sure to take care of yourself because ending up in the hospital from exhaustion is not going to do anyone a bit of good. Are there things you can do to make life easier on yourself? Quicker meals, letting some chores around the house wait an extra day, etc? I know that's not easily done but when you're exhausted you have to cut something out for now. Another thought is to write down what chores/work you do all day long (I'd be really detailed) and then compare that to the few things you ask him to help you with daily and see who looks like a slave in that comparison. If nothing else maybe talk with your doctor and see if she/he can suggest to Ryan that you need a break and help because on top of everything else your body is growing a baby and that takes A LOT of energy.
Don't feel like asking for help makes you a bad or unsubmissive wife, it makes you human and you should be able to ask your partner for help when you need it.
I wish I had the perfect answer to offer to you. Firstly, let me offer you a big
Take a look at Ephesians 5:25-33 if you have a moment.
He owes you respect and love---this is not a one way relationship wherein you get up before dawn and start slaving away until dark for all of your children AND his while he sits in the office playing online ping pong for an hour every evening with the door closed. No way. To honor your husband does not mean you are a doormat. That behavior certainly does not honor you.
Maybe if he could just see "a day in the life" of what all you do selflessly? At this point I understand that you so helpfully pointing out all that you do for him is only making things worse. Is there ever a time when you have something scheduled for yourself where he gets the evening duties of dinner/bathtime/bedtime for all of the children? If not then perhaps schedule something (women's bible study, an evening with a friend, etc) and let him know in advance when you'd like to do this and then keep quiet. You are certainly entitled to one night of "you time" once every nine months, LOL. Maybe that would just give him a chance to see what you do every night of every week? A little perspective without actually saying a word or nagging.
Things are easing, but my heart is still hurting. Thanks Elicia and Cindy for your thoughts and hugs. I need them right now.
My boss gave me a set of CD's yesterday called Love & Respect. It's been eye opening for me. There's five CD's and I'm on the third one. I can't even begin to list what I'm learning here, but it's been an 'AHA' kind of moment. After I've listened to them a few times, I'm giving them to Ryan because he needs to hear this as much as I do. Some parts had me in tears because I said, "Oh, that's how I feel right now!" How could a complete stranger know how I was feeling? I think this will be better than sitting in an OMI class or even than the CD's on the Purpose of Marriage that the pastor gave us. I did email the pastor yesterday, explaining what was going on. I have yet to be able to talk to him, but I'm sure it will be before the next few days are over.
Tomorrow night I decided to leave Ryan with Chase, Abigail and Rachel so I could go out with my friend Melanie (my maid of honor) and go shopping for the wedding sans kids and sans fiancee. I didn't ask, I just told him I was going. I figured since tomorrow is lifegroup night and they're going to a park, he can fend fine by himself taking the kids to the park for some hotdogs and fun. I, in turn, take a night off and have me time. Tonight I think I'm going to have my ex pick the boys up a day early so I can have a night off.
I have just spent the last hour reading all 16 or 17 pages. First and foremost I think you are a very strong woman. I think you are a good Mother and a great Soon to be Wife. However, I think you need to be given the same respect that you give Ryan. I feel like you are doing WAY to much and that he is not pulling even close to his weight around the house or with the kids. I understand the bible and the meaning of being a submissive wife.. However, I do NOT believe the bible ever stated to let a man and especially a man you are going to Marry (on my husband and I's Anniversary I will add) walk all over you. I think you need to stand up for yourself because if you don't do it now.. There will be a day that you throw your hands up and will not longer take it and then you and I both know where that leads. Divorce Court.
You have a beautiful heart and from the sounds of it I believe at time Ryan does too. However, right now I think he is being selfish and is not treating you like his cherished wife.. A man who loves a woman.. truly loves a woman down to the core should not let her work herself into exhaustion with his baby inside her womb. You are carrying a gift from God. He should be helping you take care of her as best as possible.
May God Bless you and your family. I wish you all of God's Blessings today and always! You will be kept in my thoughts and prayers!
Thanks Molly for your words of encouragement. It's helping me to know I'm not the only one seeing this the way that I am. I'm not trying to put myself in the best light to make him look bad...but when he says things like "Before you ask me to do anything, ask yourself if you can do it for yourself. If you can, don't ask me." Wow, it wasn't good. I haven't said much to him for the past few days in fact. Yesterday I noticed that he did the dishes and got Caleb changed and ready for church without me asking, which is rare for him. So I made sure to say thank you. Our pastor has taken on the role of spiritual father to both of us, and what I do know is that where Ryan won't listen to me, he will listen to the pastor, and I know the pastor will say something to him about what his role really is as husband to me. Being quiet and gentle seems to be working for now...but I didn't know my heart could hurt like this over something that seems so trivial. Today I didn't get up to make him breakfast and the extra hour of sleep really helped. I trust God and have faith that God will work in Ryan because Ryan is a Christ-focused man, but I may not see a change right away. But I trust more in Christ and know that this situation will be resolved. I even went back to a journal I wrote from 7/27/07, and saw written in that journal some of the very same things he's been recently saying to me. This tells me something has got to change, because it isn't a recent issue for him.
At least on the good side of this, this is helping with my prayer for purity until we're married...because there's definitely no hormonal rush right now...
Last edited by ShiningLight; 05-15-2008 at 03:54 PM.
Thursday night and Friday morning was a bit scary. Went to the grocery store to pick up WIC and when we got to the checkout line, I suddenly felt horrible and about passed out. After sitting down, the headache and the bright floating spots showed up. My blood pressure was 155/96. The next morning, it was 166/92 and the headache was horrendous. So I checked myself into urgent care. The good news is that by the time I left, my blood pressure had dropped back down to 107/67 at the lowest. I was only spilling trace protein. So, no pre-eclampsia for now, thank goodness. But I did take time off from work Friday and got some much needed rest. Thursday night I was so grateful that Ryan cooked dinner that I couldn't complain the next morning that the kitchen was a mess.
Friday night my maid of honor and I went and got our nails done. I wish I could afford to do this more often. That was so relaxing. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and incredibly enough, I didn't have any cheesecake. And you have to understand, I LOVE cheesecake. After visiting a few shops, we went home and I really slept. I still have to buy a bra and slip for my dress. A girl's night out really did me good and I was more relaxed.
Saturday was kind of a lazy day for us, and I got in some cuddle time with the girls. They're both sure giggleboxes. Sunday Ryan had to work so basically I took the kiddos to church and took a nap. We went to a friend's house for dinner and it was niiiiice not to have to cook.
So today, I'm just spending time in the Word and meditating and praying and being quiet and still before Him. I'm feeling the nervousness just before the wedding, but I'm praying about it. It's kinda scary. I know this is forever, and I know we're headed in the right direction. I know we're stepping into a new phase of ministry and fulfilling God's plan for our lives...but I am having to pray for courage here.
Hmmmm. Don't think I don't see what you're up to, my enemy. I know already what you're trying to do.
My wedding is four days away, and suddenly, guys I dated formerly are crawling out of the woodwork. Hi, Rach, how are you doing, haven't talked to you in a while, kind of thing. I haven't talked to these guys in well over a year! It's making me laugh. Perfect timing. Not that I have time for you idiots.
Everything's set for the wedding. We finished up the shopping last night. 4 days to (kind of) relax. Tonight's the rehearsal and our last OMI workshop. Tomorrow we get the license and then church. Thursday we meet the doula. Friday we go to a friend's graduation and then I'm crashing at my BFF's house. Saturday morning we do the hair and then the wedding and my favorite part, the honeymoon. This seems so unreal, like someone needs to pinch me. Ryan and I are both feeling the pre-wedding jitters. Thankfully, I have a full time job that's keeping me busy.
Nothing beats waking up in your comfy pj's and hearing the man that you love tell you that you're the most beautiful woman in the world when you first wake up, even with your hair all messy and your eyes still sleepy.
Like other PPers.. I read your first few pages... and the last few pages. I have two LOs so not all the time in the world..
I just wanted to say, if you can, find out if there's a Love & Respect conference in your area any time soon. It is SO worth it! Reading the book is great (they also have a workbook and another booklet), but the conference is HUGE. It makes everyone take a step back to re-evaluate everything. It is perfect timing for you too. I hope he reads the book too at least! My DH & I have had our own problems, but I believe us reading that book is one of the only reasons we've done well to this point. This last week has been VERY rough (like you've said on another board, your SO has mental issues.. mine too), but pointing out obvious things from the book, and letting him know things *in the way men need to be told or shown* makes all the difference. You seem a whole lot like me. PM me if you are bored, or whatever! BTW- You are awesome! Keep doing what you are doing. In that bible verse he quotes, a woman is to respect her husband, but a man is to love his wife & honor her at the same time. It's not a one-way street, although many men like to make it seem that way, since the verse mentions the mans needs first.
We've talked about attending a conference excessively! We were given the audio book and we've both listened to it several times. At least, the crazy cycle is being broken and isn't escalating so far now, but I know we have a long, long way to go.
On to other things...
The rehearsal was a blast. Ryan was in one of his "Hammy" moods and was endlessly cracking jokes, making both the pastor and I teary-eyed from laughing so hard. We're in the rehearsal and we get to the "kiss the bride part" and he looks at me and asks if we're going to do a short kiss or something long. Made me blush because the pastor was standing right there...so I said we'd discuss it later. On the way home, I told him we'd have to practice and figure it out. Did you know you burn 35 calories every time you kiss, and you can burn up to 800 calories with an hour of passionate kissing? Did you know your brain has special neurons that allow you to find your lover's lips in the dark? Interesting facts about kissing.
We're done with the OMI workshop and they catered in Chili's. Oh, it was GOOD.
Everything's set for the wedding, so after our honeymoon, I'll have videos and pictures to post.
GOOD LUCK GOOD LUCK GOOD LUCK!!!!! You are getting married on my DH and I's wedding anniversary so I hope it will be a lucky and blessed day for you and your family.
I look forward to see the pictures and video's!!! Have a wonderful time and an extremely romantic honeymoon!