Thread: So many trials, and so many blessings

8W 1D

Why is it that my weekends are so darn eventful? They should be quiet and serene, especially on the weekends without my boys.

I talked to my doc's office again Friday afternoon. The mess with my scripts has been worked out finally. So I have my prometrium and my macrobid (for the UTI). And I'm feeling MUCH better now, thank you very much. My doc's office reported that all the tests for STD's came back negative. However, color me shocked again. What is up with this doctor of mine? She didn't run any HcG levels or progesterone levels, standard in pregnancy cases. I just don't get why she didn't do that? It's pretty much standard. It's like she's treating me as though I'm not high risk. Hmmm...I'll have to ask her about that when I go back to her office at the end of September.

I wasn't able to get approved for this apartment complex that I really loved, at least not w/out a cosigner. Divorce sucks when you have an incompetent ex spouse who can't pay the bills like he should. Because they can find me and not him, I have to pay for it. AND support 3 little boys to boot.

Talked to the court clerk's office and found out that the Income Withholding Order on my ex's check is still sitting on the judge's desk waiting to be signed. And it will be at least another 60 days before I see any money.

My caseworker still hasn't gotten me more foodstamps yet. The state of Oklahoma sucks when it comes to actually helping the people that need it like me.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I went in for an ultrasound, and that I was at my old peri's office in Kansas. There was a fill in peri there that I really didn't like. But I dreamed that the u/s tech was telling me that I'd have to follow whatever this mean peri said I'd have to do. I just rolled my eyes. But during the u/s, as clear as day, were two babies and it was as clear as day that they were in the same amniotic sac. And their hb's were in the 170's. Talk about your weird dream. Guess I'm just worried that I might be carrying around twins. I'll go for the girl...but twins? Well, it would be my luck.

My great Aunt Al passed away Friday evening. I only met her a few times, and the only silly thing I recall is that she always gave you Christmas presents in cereal boxes. Even my graduation present-Walmart Gift Cards-arrived in a cereal box. But at least I know that she's going to heaven. Her funeral is tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. Going to a funeral with 3 little boys should be interesting to say the least.

Saturday evening I went to church as usual. Afterwards, the singles group went out to Fish City Grille. I hate anything to do with seafood. So I had blackened chicken. Although they talked me into trying some calamari. I'm glad they didn't tell me what it was when I ate it. I would have After church I went out and played pool with a great male friend of mine. He's getting transferred to the Azor islands in October, so we didn't start any sort of a relationship. But he took me out for pecan pancakes at IHOP. A gal couldn't ask for more. He's such a gentleman too. Opens the doors for me and everything. If God ever brings me a husband, I hope it's someone like him.

I think as a result of this, I was so tired that I slept ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT on Sunday. I managed to stay awake for an hour and fold some laundry, but I took some of my meds, and a short while later, I was dizzy and had to go to sleep. And I didn't wake up until 8:30 this morning.

Tune in tomorrrow for the saga of how my ex lost his job today....(and now I'm going to have to wait even LONGER for child support).

8W 2D

Ok, so yesterday my ex pushed me to the point of breaking. He tells me that he's that he's taken the boys to MacArthur Lake. Having a really bad feeling about things (being that he's already allowed the ex girlfriend to be around the kids and it's in our divorce paperwork that she isn't allowed around them PERIOD since she's been charged with child abuse), and my ex refuses to give me directions to where he is...well, this bad feeling just would not go away.

So I jumped on the internet to find out where this lake was. No lake with that name in Oklahoma nor in any surrounding states. So I called and left a message on his cell.

In the meantime, I called his work. Because he's been telling me that since he's an owner/operator of a semi, that it's fine that the kids travel with him on the truck. After talking to his boss, I found out that only children ages 12 and older can be on a semi legally. And my kids are 8, 3 and 9 mos. So then they ask me if I can please go pick up the boys because he's actually at Kaw Lake in Ponca City. Which is where the ex girlfriend's family lives. And they tell me he's going to get fired.

So off I go to Ponca City which is a 2 hour drive. I asked his work not to tell him I called b/c I knew he would be mad at me. So they decide to tell him someone else called in and saw the kids in the semi with him and that they called me to come get the kids.

Well finally he calls me back. Chewing me out b/c I called his work. I told him if he wanted to be mad at someone, he needed to be mad at the people he works with. So he calls them and they tell him I didn't call and that they called me. So then he's apologetic all over the place. And he tells me that he'll get the boys home at 7:30 as he's supposed to. He'll rent a car. I AM NOT going to come to pick them up b/c he is spending time with them while he can. At this point, I was about to Ponca City, but I turned around anyway and wasted a half a tank of gas.

So, while I'm at the funeral home visiting my Aunt Al with family, he calls me like ten times. I called him back and told him that he needs to realize I do have a life and can't sit by the phone 24/7. So then he tells me that he can't find a car to rent since it's a holiday, so if he gives me gas money, can I please come pick the kids up? I told him no, that he was going to have to figure out a way to get them home on time. He has family and friends nearby, so he needed to call one of them.

And it's my ex sister in law who is bipolar and whom I don't like much who happens to bring him and the boys home. I arranged for my aunt to go with me and we plan to meet them at McDonald's around 11 at night.

In the meantime, I decided to clean out my van. When I went to vacuum it out, a homeless man approached me and asked me if he could vacuum it for me to earn some money to eat dinner. So I just told him I'd give him a few bucks and do it myself. Thinking that I just seriously needed to get rid of him for my own safety, being that it was around 9:30 at night by this time.

So I went to pick my aunt up and we waited until 11 at McDonald's. The kids showed up and they were all tired. We got home and I put the older two to bed, after a nice argument with my 8 y/0, who tells me how Caleb has gotten a bump on his head (he fell off a dock at the lake) and informs me that I am NOT taking him away from his dad. And then I discover Caleb has a nasty sunburn. What common sense does it take for a man to use sunscreen on a nine month old?? To say I'm pissed would be an understatement of the century.

I ended up telling my oldest son that it is time he butts out where things don't concern him. I am his mom, and he doesn't have a choice right now, like it or not. I have never told him that I would take him away from his dad. Never. And I'm sick of the b/s my ex keeps telling him. He's going to be the child I have to send to live with his dad to see what a jerk this man really is.

So, needless to say, I didn't get much sleep last night. My poor baby. His dad owes me an explanation, that is for sure.

I included pictures just so I could show you this bump and burn.

The bump


The burn


And the window after break-in

8W 3D

Yesterday was my Great Aunt Al's funeral. She looked so peaceful. It was obvious that she is home with the Lord. My oldest son had a million questions, so my aunt did her best to help him answer them. Hunter was quite tired and laid on the fake grass carpet and about went to sleep. Caleb sat at my feet, just grinning and waving to everyone and being cute.

And then I noticed he had a scab on the back of his ear. Except that it wasn't a scab. It was a tick. I can't believe the ex didn't notice that! My cousin Wyatt had some tweezers and it took quite a few people to gather around and watch to get it out. Poor baby. First a sunburn, then a bump and now this.

So when I talk to my ex about all of this, he's complaining that he's sick and he has a sunburn. I told him, awww, poor baby. You're an idiot and I cannot believe you didn't put sunscreen on a baby. How incompetent can the man be? And then my oldest is telling everyone at the funeral yesterday that when Caleb got the bump on his head, he passed out. I can't believe his dad didn't take him to a hospital!!! I'm getting angrier by the day that this man can call himself a father.

Chase tells me he's a daddy's boy. I say ok, that's fine. But then he says that means he's going to live with his dad later. That was it for me. I told him that not everything his dad tells him is the truth. And that like it or not, I'm his mom. It isn't my job to be his friend. It's my job to make sure he is happy, healthy, loved and safe. And that he will not be allowed to talk about his dad while he's at my house. I've had it up to here and then some with the ex jading my child. I'm about ready to send him to live with his dad just so he can see that he's not all fun and games.

We did our first night of cry-it-out with Caleb last night. He's 9 months old today and still not sleeping through the night. It took about an hour when he woke up, but he finally went back to sleep. And he woke up this morning just grinning at me. He's standing here next to my chair just grinning at me. He has a top tooth coming in too.

Another day that even despite the struggles as a single mom, I'm so thankful for my blessings I have in my little guys. Thanks again, God!

8W 4D

I guess that life as a single mom isn't meant to be easy.

But God, I sure wouldn't mind Mr. Who You Have for Me would come along soon.

I'm tired. I am so tired. So tired of the fight. What I want to do is throw in the towel, send my oldest to live with his father and crawl in a hole and hide.

My oldest son and I have been battling a lot lately. And yesterday it came to a head again. We're on the way home from church last night, and Chase is talking to his dad. Who hasn't lost his job, by the way. Who tells Chase that he'll be here at 6 on Friday. (I know better than that.) So I tell Chase he'll see his dad at 7:30 on Friday. Which starts this whole tirade of how I don't respect him at all. And how it's not fair that he has to live with me all the time. He's going to live with his dad, he says. And why can't he see his dad until 7:30? I told him we'd talk about it later, after he was off the phone with his dad.

So on the way home, we're discussing this. By the time we get near the house, I'm having to seriously control my anger. When your 8 y/o tells you that his dad tried to give you money, but you wouldn't take it, so you shouldn't say anything about not having money to do things...I about lost it. I had to tell him that I am the parent and he is the child (which is never a good thing to have to tell your kids, BTW). That he does not tell me what to do. I tell him what to do.

So we went to my Aunt's house. I had to ask for help. So we had him look up the meaning of the word respect. And all he said was, "SO? THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING." And then he made a flippant remark to me and my aunt just went off on him. Told him that he will NOT talk to me the way he's talking to me. Told him that like it or not, I am his mom and he will listen to me. He just stood there and GLARED. And she asked him to repeat what she'd just told him. And he couldn't do it, which told her he wasn't listening. I had to go fix Caleb a bottle about this time, and when I came back in, they were hugging and she was telling him that he needs to be a kid. And stop trying to put himself in the middle of all of this. And that she's so sorry he's been told things he never should have been. But that he doesn't know the whole story, and that he's too young to even understand the reasons why he can't have it the way he wants. And that he needs to trust the adults in his life, especially his mom, to make decisions for him because they know what's best for him. And he doesn't need to worry about why mommy and daddy got divorced. And that he needs to let go of all of this and let God start healing his heart.

So I walked over and gave him a hug and told him I love him. And that again, the divorce wasn't his fault. He really wanted to know why we got a divorce. He told me his dad told him it was b/c I had an affair with my boss. (Which never EVER happened. EWWW.) And I told him that when he was 18 and out on his own, if he really wanted to know, I would tell him then. But for now, he doesn't need to know the reason other than daddy made a bad choice for mommy, and for him and for his brothers. And I pulled out the court paperwork to show him exactly when he gets to see his dad. And he tells me he hates the courts. And I told him that the courts have heard both sides of the story, and this is the very best thing for him and his brothers. But ultimately, that God has control over the courts and that God made this decision for him. And that even when we don't understand why God does certain things in our lives, He does them because He loves us and only wants the very best thing for us. And I told him that until he's ready to let go of the hurt and pain he feels inside and let God start to heal his heart, he wasn't going to feel better. I told him I had to do that when my parents divorced, and that their divorce no longer hurts my heart any more, because if they hadn't gotten divorced, I would have missed out on getting to know more family from his Nana. And that God made me truly see what happened during their divorce. But that He allowed me to see what happened when He knew I was ready to see all the reasons why.

I am so tired of my ex. I finally called my counselor last night to set up a first appointment, and to find a therapist for my son. He actually wants to go see a counselor now.

I don't barely have time to think about this baby right now, being that there's so much drama going on. I should write a book on my life. Or at least sell the story line to a soap opera or something.

But the good of it all...I was watching Hunter sleep last night, and he was smiling in his sleep. God, thank you that he can smile in his sleep and dream happily...

8W 5D

Another new picture of the baby belly


Yesterday was downright DEPRESSING. I talked to the counselor I wanted to go see, but then found out he costs booku $$$. I can't afford to spend a dime right now. I was really upset.

I had a day of intestinal trouble. Which has to be why my blood sugars were so out of whack yesterday. My fastings are working their way down as we add more insulin, so hopefully it wont' be long before they're where they should be.

My oldest son refused to do his homework, so he didn't get to talk to his dad. He officially hates me now. I got the worst mother of the year award yesterday. And he got mad at me too b/c I made him rewrite his spelling words since they were written so sloppily that I couldn't read his words. Then he tells me I'm as mean as his last teacher.

The ex called and wanted to know why I'm so angry with him all the sudden. I told him that I wasn't happy about the sunburn or the bump (and the fact that he didn't tell me about it and I had to hear it from the 8 y/o) and the fact that he had a tick and he didn't notice. And I told him Caleb wouldn't be going camping again. He tried to tell me Caleb got the sunburn in 10 minutes on a cloudy day. Do I look stupid? There's no way.

He tells me he didn't loose his job, so that's good news. B/C I got the paperwork from the state of Kansas that they've sent the IWO to his current employer. That extra money will really help.

Apparantly there was a murder nearby where I work last night. So we've locked the doors today to be on the safe side. *Shudder*

Yesterday around lunch time my blood sugar crashed. And I actually fell asleep at work b/c it made me that tired.

I think this Macrobid I'm taking for my UTI is making me dizzy and then drowsy to the point that I seriously need to sleep. Good thing I only have one pill left to take. Being this tired sure is making the phones sound funny. Weird, huh?

Going to church with my Aunt tonight to help her get the music set up for Sunday and to work on a bulletin board. Plus, it gives me a safe place to exchange the kids with the ex. So I don't have to worry about weakness there.

The ex told me last night that he'd give me money to help cover half of the payday loan I had to take out to pay my rent. We'll see. I hope, for the boys' sake, he gets here on time for once.

Other than that, it will be a weekend of picking up the house. I like to pick it back up when the boys are gone b/c it's so nice for it to stay clean for 5 minutes.

Caleb woke up around 5:30 this morning. So I put him in bed with me. He sat there and kept trying to put his fingers in my mouth. And then did the da da ba ba babble for awhile. And laid there and giggled. He made me smile. Finally I made him a very small bottle and put him back to bed. He's such a ham, but I love his tiny smiles and silliness.

Just over two weeks to go until I see if this baby has made it. It's going to be a very long wait. I'm thinking Luke Isaiah for a boy and Katelynn Suzanne for a girl.

9W 1D

Well, for once it was an uneventful weekend, sort of. My oldest child and I butted heads yet again. And he officially hates me now.

My ex surprised me and gave me money, which blew me out of the water. But every little bit helps, kwim?

My friend Lee is getting transferred to the Azor Islands in a month. I met him through Eharmony. I'm really going to miss him. Rare is it that you find a man so grounded in Christ that opens doors for you and pays for dinner every single time. I was a little bit straitforward and told him that were it not for the fact that he's leaving, I'd definitely be wishing that we could have started a relationship. He patted my leg, thinking I had jeans on, but it was shorts...so it smarted a bit. But you know, I'm really going to miss this guy. He's treated me with such kindness and tenderness even as a friend. Although I was a bit embarrased to tell him how I feel, as I'm not usually that forward with men. I'm just going to have to trust that God is taking us down different paths for a reason.

I can't believe I'm already over the 9 week mark, and *knock on wood* I haven't experienced any bleeding. This is so rare.

I planned to clean my house again this weekend, but the exhaustion overwhelmed me and I did more sleeping than cleaning. Oh well, maybe I'll get it done some time this week.

I'm tired again today. Fell asleep for about 20 minutes at work again today. I'm really fighting exhaustion for some reason. I've been tired while pg before, but not THIS tired. I wonder what's up. I know it's not anemia, as I have plenty of iron in my blood (thanks to the WIC test).

Hopefully I'll hear back from the diabetic doc today. I still haven't heard from her since faxing her my numbers and I know my insulin needs to be changed.

Two weeks as of today, and I'll finally get to see this little one! Woo whoo!

9W 2D

Wow, it's late in the day for me to be updating, but here goes:

My oldest was playing kickball yesterday and fell on his thumb. And the thing swelled up big time. But my guess is either a sprain or a jammed thumb, as he's not in the I'M.GOING.TO.DIE type of pain. So ice and motrin for him.

And my youngest started running a fever yesterday of 101.6. Gave him motrin. He barely took a nap yesterday, and wouldn't get happy until I sat him on the living room floor last night to chew on a plastic clothes hanger. And he didn't go to bed until 10 p.m. last night. But he did sleep through the night and woke up at 7 a.m. I gave him a bottle, and brought him to bed with me. And he was laying on me, trying to play, but then he'd just lay his poor little head down on my arm every so often, so I could tell he wasn't feeling too good. Yep. Fever still there. 101.7. More motrin and then off to the babysitter's to have fun for the day so I could go to work.

I was sitting at my desk working yesterday. Now mind you, I was very tired. So tired that I actually fell asleep at my desk at work for about 20 minutes around 11:30 (yes, again). I'd just got back from eating lunch, and I didn't hear anyone come in my office. Which is why when I felt someone nudge my right arm and then start licking my arm, I couldn't figure out why the heck my boss would do that.

When I looked down, there was this beautiful, golden lab. That didn't have on a collar. So I was trying to figure out how the heck such a cute, loving dog got in the office. So I'm yelling for my boss, who then intros me to Gartha (Garth Brook's Sister, she says) the dog, who belongs to the owner's son.

And she keeps coming back into my office and actually followed me to the bathroom and waited outside of the door for me to come out. And this isn't even my dog!!!

But that, my friends, was pretty much my day yesterday. I'm tired from just reading about the drama. So, stay tuned for my exciting day from today!!!

9W 3D

Boy, did I ever hit the jackpot here on pregnancy.org and the 5th Anniversary Celebration! If you're not joining in, BTW, you're missing out. I won a free shirt from MommyLove/SayBump and then a kit from Bellalinni Cosmetics. All for joining in on chats. I had a great day yesterday!

My son's thumb/hand is turning lovely shades of black and blue. So I bought a finger splint for it and he's kept it on and he magically is feeling a lot better.

Caleb (my 9 m/o) was cranky all night long. And he was running a fever of 100 this morning. So I gave him more motrin. It was so difficult not to want to stay home with him today and just cuddle up with him. He was crying so pitifully, the poor little one. I couldn't barely put him down this morning.

Hunter, my 3 y/o gave me a kiss on the head while I was leaning over to tie his shoes. That was so sweet, I gave him the biggest hug and told him thank you. It's the little things like this that remind me why I love being a mom.

I've started feeling some pressure and mild cramping. That's good, it just means the baby is growing, but that I'm going to need that cerclage sooner rather than later.

9W 4D

I should be working on getting some advertising done, but I'm just too tired.

Caleb was still running a low grade fever last night, so I gave him more motrin and he cuddled up against me and went to sleep. Those are the days I love being a mom. I just wanted to sit there and hold him forever. He woke up once last night to eat. He's so thrilled when I walk in his room with a bottle.

I had two little boys in my full sized bed last night; therefore, I did not get much sleep. My 3 y/o and 8 y/o kept moving around and kicking.

Almost went to the ER. The cervical pressure and mild cramping were starting to hurt. When you have IC, it's not a good thing to experience either symptom. After time laying down, things settled down.

I have a call into my peri's office to let them know what's going on. And I left a message with the diabetic nurse b/c my blood sugars are back in the 250's in the morning and running in the 170-270 range after I eat. And I'm already pushing a lot of insulin as it is. And I'm getting very dizzy which in turn, is making me very tired.

My son's thumb is looking better. I'm so proud of him today. He had to memorize the beginning of the Declaration of Independence and he was able to recite it word-for-word to me this morning. I'm so proud

9W 5D

Lee IM'd last night and said his mom is going to be in town for a week, and asked me if I'd like to meet her. So I said ok, but this leaves me to wonder...don't you usually meet parents if the relationship is serious? I don't know what to think. Guess we'll see later.

It was an incredibly busy day at work. I'm even working this weekend from home. How I wanted to spend my weekend. I think I'll turn into a mean slave driver and me and the kids are going to clean this house from top to bottom.

I'm sad today for my friend Dusti. She's been in the hospital for a week because her water broke early and she has none left. Oligohydramnios may take her son's life. We're praying for even a tiny pocket of fluid to appear just so they can do an amnio infusion. She's 25 weeks now and doing ok, but Sacarii is not. But out of this, we've formed a wonderful friendship. So there's one thing to be thankful for. So if you read this and believe in the power of prayer, pray for this baby. Pray that God will do what seems to be impossible and save her son's life. Pray for that pocket of fluid to be found, and soon. My heart is so saddened for her.

I ended up with my 3 y/o in bed with me again last night. And he stubbed his toe before he went to bed last night and he woke up and was screaming that it hurt. He's not quiet about much of anything. So after some hydrogen peroxide and a bandaid, he FINALLY went back to sleep. But then Caleb woke up. He's certainly got mama down...he yells that until I get up and take care of him. Chase's thumb is doing much better and he's no longer wearing the finger splint. Caleb's fever has finally gone away and he looks like he's feeling much better.

Well, hopefully I'll get to go to bed soon. After two nights of no sleep, I could really use some.