Ok, well, I have HAD IT with my 8 y/o, who yesterday told me I'm lazy and that again, he's going to live with his dad. I said fine, since you seem to know better than all the adults in your life what is best for you, I'm granting your wish. I'll call your dad and tell him that he has to quit his job and you're going to live with him full time, which means you won't see or talk to me again. Period. And no, your brothers aren't going with you. It will just be you.
So what does he do? He gets on the phone and lies to his dad. Tells his dad I have to have a break from him and that he's going to live with his dad. I need a break? No, I need my son to learn what respect is for a parent. He still thinks his dad's house is Disneyland b/c dad has all this money to take him places.
I'm sorry if I sound like a bad parent, but I'm seriously fed up with my 8 y/o telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing in regards to everything from his care, to housework, to even child support! I told him last night that I will always love him, but I really hate what he's been doing lately. And of course I got the "You hate me!" Statement. No, I don't hate you. I love you. I hate what you keep doing and saying. I am a person, after all, and I have feelings. This is a time when I'm not happy to be a mom, not at all. I'm about ready to pitch my child into the unknown. I'm getting that frustrated with his actions and attitudes. And I'm really sick of getting the blame for everything. I'm just flat out DONE.
So of course, me and God had a nice long talk last night. I am just so TIRED. Emotionally, physically, financially, all of it. TIRED. And I feel so alone, like there isn't a person in this entire world who really cares about me or my young family. Even my parents don't care enough to call to see how we're doing. These are the same parents who were so supportive during my divorce, but now that I'm not doing it entirely their way, it's like they don't care or love me any more. I know, major pity party. I'm getting all teary eyed just writing all of this down again. I cried and cried last night until I was too tired to stay awake. I'm getting a glimpse I guess of how Christ had to feel on the Cross when He asked God "Why have You forsaken me?" Sigh.
Well, the new insulin regimen to get my fasting blood sugars down isn't working. In fact, they've gone up...I don't understand that. I'm hoping the visit with the nutritionist helps change things. I've gone from 140's to 170's the past few days.
Not much has changed with my oldest son, Chase, except for the fact that I've asked my CR group to pray for my sanity and for the right Christian counselor. I love the little guy but am still frustrated with his actions and attitude.
Well, I think I'm going to have to kiss my regular pants goodbye. They're too tight to button anymore.
Thanks to my friend Amanda I'm going to get to spend time with Lee on Thursday. But get this, he invited me over to his house to play board games with his ex mother in law and his mom. So I'm going over there in my PJ's. That's going to be fun LOL.
Not a whole lot of new stuff. Just some major drama going on again with my next door neighbor's son. His mom is now completely crazy. He stayed the night at my house and this morning, I sent him home to get clothes and get ready for school. Of course, he never got on the bus and I later saw him playing out in the street after he thought we were gone. So I called his dad this morning and told him to get over there and help his son (he's 12), because I didn't want to have to call CPS if I didn't have to. So hopefully he made it to school and his dad got over there to help.
My grandma emailed. She and my grandpa are going to be in town tomorrow, so it will be nice to go out to lunch together.
Sorry I didn't get to update yesterday...it was a busy day at work and I spent my afternoon visiting with a nutritionist so I can see if that will help get my blood sugars back under control.
So, I have a new meal plan, and I'm learning to count carbs b/c I need to know how to do this for my insulin pump. And here's the sad part. I started out this pregnancy at 180 (that's down from 265 in 2003!) and at my first appointment on 8/25 I was 186. Got weighed yesterday and I'm 2 0 4!!! That's a whopping 24 lbs weight gain already! But, we figured it's from my blood sugars being so out of whack--either too high or too low (which causes a defense mechanism in my body to eat and eat and eat until I feel better). And, I'm swelling horribly already. And I can't exercise until after my first trimester is over and done with (I have IC, and feeling a lot of pressure already and I had a placental tear during a prior pregnancy that happened simply b/c I sneezed!)
So, hopefully with this new diet I won't be seeing any more weight gain b/c I am now officially a whale.
And the PJ date with Lee went wonderful!
Amanda went with me to Walmart and I bought new PJ's...purple ones that say "Hug a Tree" Lee's mom even complimented me on them.
We played Rummikub, SkipBo and Sequence. That incredibly took us from 8 till midnight.
And I met his kids. His son was a HUGE flirt LOL and told his dad to make sure he hugged me goodbye.
Nothing much really happened....we pigged out on junk food and I hugged his mom and his ex MIL goodbye, told them I was happy to meet them. And I was about to walk out the door, but then his mom said, 'aren't you going to hug Lee goodbye too?" So I waited, he walked me out to the car, and gave me the world's biggest hug. Sorry, no kiss...
But after this, I'm even more sad that he's leaving. His family is wonderful. I got all wrapped up in that hug and it felt like it's where I was supposed to be, like I'm safe there in his arms. And I feel like I'm watching my soul's mate leave.....I don't wanna say goodbye!
My ex called Wednesday evening and he finally got fired for having the kids in his semi with him. So he's stuck in Michigan. And of course, is going to be late picking up the boys again. And this really sucks b/c I was really needing that child support. Oh well.
The ex is coming to the appointment I have on Monday since I have an ultrasound. That should be an interesting story to tell.
So, that culminates my week, I hope everyone is able to have a relaxing weekend!
Shortly after posting my last journal entry, I went to the bathroom to discover that I was bleeding brown sort of clottish. Being that my symptoms haven't felt as strong lately and my blood sugars have been crashing horribly today, I should have known right away what was going on. I cried all the way to the ER b/c I knew what was going to happen.
Sure enough, 3 u/s and an HCG of 1385....and no h/b. Measuring around 7 weeks. There's no way I'm anywhere near 7 weeks. I should be around 11. The doc just walks in and says....well, there's no h/b which means the pregnancy is abnormal. So I asked him to get me in for a D&C right away. And then tries to tell me that my HCG is normal for this stage of pregnancy (it should be over 25,000) and that they're not going to do a D&C b/c they don't want to terminate a viable pregnancy. Hello? I didn't realize that I'm stupid and I haven't been through this same scenario 3 times prior.
Thus far, the bleeding has stopped but the cramping is there in full force. And I have to wait until Monday to get in to see the doc. To confirm that this pregnancy isn't viable...but I know the truth. This little one went to heaven around 2 weeks ago.
Hopefully, she'll agree to go ahead and take care of tying my tubes as well so I don't have to worry about going through anything like this ever again.
I'm sad, but then again, I'm relieved as well because of the circumstances surrounding this little one's conception. Rest in the arms of heaven, my little one.
I naturally miscarried on my own today. The hard cramps hit around 12:20 and kept coming every two minutes. We'd gone an hour and a half a way to visit my folks and I was almost there when I just started gushing blood. So we turned around and headed home. By the time we got home I'd already miscarried.
Judging by the baby's size (it's about 1/4 of an inch long, if that) and development (still has a tail, arm and leg bugs and the beginning of eyes and ears, as well as a mouth that looks like a puppet with it's mouth left open) the little one went to heaven around 6-7 weeks gestation, soon after I found out I was pregnant.
I don't know if it is because of the diabetes or because I got on the prometrium too late, but this little one is now my tiny angel.
In so many ways I am relieved. I am relieved I will not have to tell my parents and go through their lectures. I am sad as well. Every m/c you have to go through sucks big time. But I'm done, this is m/c #6 for me. I don't want any more children anyway, and so on Monday when I go back to see my doc, I'm praying she'll be able to tie my tubes then. And I don't want to go through the hearache of another loss ever again.
I'm watching Caleb crawling around on the floor just as happy as a lark. And I can't help but smile at his innocence and at his joyful smiles of discovery.
My ex is sad but relieved as well. And he said today that we really need to try and work things out...but I'm not sure I really want to do that. Yet another thing to pray about. My heart right now is with Lee.
Well, today finally the tears have started to fall. I know this is just my hormones returning to normal, well, at least I think it is. I guess even under the circumstances I'm still sad. I wish having a m/c got easier over time, but really, it doesn't. It still sucks. And I grieve partly b/c I know that this is it. I can't do this to myself anymore. I don't want to go through the pain of loss any more. And God has blessed me immensley with three little boys.
I can't believe how incredibly quiet it is this weekend. The boys are visiting their dad this weekend. I wish they were here to hug right now. It still amazes me how they know when mama needs a hug the most.
I noticed yesterday that there is a massive blood clot right on the edge of the placenta between it and the amnion. I wonder if that has to do with the why development stopped. Who Knows. My inquiring mind just wants to know why.
As of yesterday, I've been a single mom for one whole year. A year. Wow, did this year fly bly. And I don't ever care to have a year like I've had over the past one EVER again.
And I wish I could say for certain what the future holds, but I know that God knows. But I sure hope it includes Lee, that's for sure. I've told God that I really like him and I pray that one day...our relationship will become a marital one. I guess it's just a different story when you allow God to be in control of even your life life. *sigh* Well, I guess I should stop writing for now and get back to working and cleaning. Fun, fun.
Big hugs to you. I got worried when I didn't see your posts on preg journal. I agree you had a tuff year! Now you can focus on your life as a mom of three boys, which is challenging enough.
I enjoyed reading your journal and I will miss it.
Good luck to you.
I've tried, I think, about a million and one times to update this journal, but get worked up over what I've just written, and give up. But I think today's the day when I need to make an update for my own sanity. Just so I can let things out and feel much much better. Because I'm finding this is a community of great support.
First. I'm thrilled because I've already lost 9 lbs since the horror on the scale last Thursday. So I decided to join Pregnancy.org's biggest looser challenge for October. I love my size 14 jeans and I'd love to get down even lower, like a size 10. I've called my nutritionist and we now have a new diet plan for 1200 calories. I want to keep my diabetes under control so I can live a long, long time to make my ex husband miserable. (Did I just say that?) And, as a single mom, I need a lot of energy to keep up with three VERY active little boys. And, as I've reentered into the dating world I want to look drop dead gorgeous for my future spouse. Last, I want to look good just so I don't hear people ask all the time, "So, when is your baby due?" That one just makes me want to put people in their place.
Second. I went to the OB on Monday and they did an u/s to confirm that I had a complete miscarriage. And I did. So, we discussed possible reasons for the m/c, and I signed the paperwork to get my tubes tied. October 24 I go back for a pre-op appointment and then they'll schedule the surgery. Which I am so looking forward to. I don't want to endure the heartache of another miscarriage and I certainly have plenty to keep me busy these days.
Third. Lee and I are going out to celebrate my being on my own for an entire year this weekend. I can't believe it's been an entire year? My, where has the time gone.
Fourth. I took the day off from work on Monday and someone I worked with to complete financing packages kept calling me. Which had my poor boss completely flipped out. She was afraid I was going to leave or go work for this guy...but I just laughed at her and told her no way. (But secretly, it's nice to know they like me!) It turns out he was just calling to see how the new job was going. Whew.
Fifth. I sat on the phone for a good hour yesterday arguing with my caseworker and his supervisor...they're telling me things are not financially affordable for me to be paying $900/month in childcare costs. And of course, they lost the receipts I brought in. So I went through every single little tiny expense and finally, it all made sense to them. So I will hopefully see that increase in Food Stamps before long. That $50/month goes almost nowhere to contribute to groceries.
Sixth. I finally remembered to call Sallie Mae and get the student loans back under control and got an economic hardship deferrment. And, I'm applying to get a medical coding degree from a local tech college. They say the program takes 36 weeks, but all the classes are online and you can work at your own pace. So I hope I'm done faster than 9 months, so I can add a second income and still work from home so we can get off state assistance and I can give my boys a better life. Let's face it, I'm NEVER going to get child support and I can't live on what I make now. So hopefully, I'll get started quite soon and get a pell grant instead of student loans so I don't have to pay back any more $$.
And last, but not least...and this is the part that it's going to anger me entirely as I recount the facts...
My ex spouse isn't going to live much longer if he keeps this up. I've in fact, had several joking offers to hire a hit man for me. Usually, he's supposed to have the boys home by 7:30 on Sunday evenings on his weekends. But because he was late from getting fired from his job while he was still in Michigan, he didn't show up until late Saturday afternoon. So I told him to have them home no later than 10 p.m. on Sunday. And he had to pick up and drop them back off b/c under the circumstances, I wasn't in any condition to drive.
He calls me at 8:30 Sunday night and asks if there's any way possible that he can bring the boys home on Monday afternoon. MONDAY???? They have school. I told him to get them home NOW or I would be forced to ask the police to intervene. Which is why I really shouldn't have been surprised when my local PD showed up around 9:30. The first question out of their mouths was "Do you have an ex husband that is mad at you?" I said, most likely, and explained the above scenario. Then I was told they received a 'suspicious' call that I had dog feces all over my house. And let me inject here that I do not have a dog, or any type of animal in my house, unless you count my kids, that is. ANEEEWAY....they took a look around the house...and found the products of conception my doctor had told me to put in a plastic baggie and keep cold to bring in on Monday in my refrigerator. And then I suddenly became a mass murder or something..the questions I had to answer were endless. But finally, they were able to confirm everything with my doctor and the ER I went to visit. And they didn't find anything but did request I try to get the house in more pristine shape (I was recovering from my miscarriage and decided to not clean house all weekend, so it wasn't in its normal pristine condition, mind you) and said they'd call my ex and left.
To say I was pissed would be an understatement. HOW DARE HE? I called my aunt and told her we were heading to Kansas. On the way there, the ex called and said he was on his way with the kids. How convenient for him. I thanked him for calling the police and told him I was on my way there. He swore up and down that he didn't call the police. So I told him we'd meet at the usual place halfway and I'd see him in an hour and a half. Several times along the way he called, swearing again that it wasn't him, and that it had to be my nieghbor, Mary, because the ex told me that she told him she was going to call on me this weekend because my house was a wreck. Mind you, the only time she's been in my house was the day it was broken into, and it was trashed, although nothing was taken. And she is also mad because her ex husband came and took her car after finding out she backed into their son and has been locking him out of the house.
But my point is, the police KNEW already that I'd been through a miscarriage. And Mary would not have known that fact. And I am so not stupid here. I know without a doubt it was him. So as soon as the kids were safely back in my care, I immediately changed my cell number. Monday evening I allowed the boys to call him one last time b/c after this, they would only be talking to him on the weekends they see him for visitation. I blocked my number, and they said goodnight, and then he asked to talk to me. So I got chewed out for changing my cell number. And by LAW he has to have it so he can get ahold of the boys at any time. I just told him, no by LAW I'm required to have a phone turned on but that he does NOT have to have the number. And, on the weekends he has the boys, he shuts his phone off just so I can't talk to them. But I ended up hanging up. And explained to the boys that they would no longer be talking to their dad in the evenings. And they haven't asked to, either. My oldest wanted to know why, but I told him the standard parent line: BECAUSE.I.SAID.SO.
Fast forward to Tuesday, where I get home to grab a quick bite to eat and head back to work after looking at a house. And there's a note on the door from child protective services saying that they need to talk to me in regards to my children. So I called her back and got a return call Wednesday afternoon. Of course, she can't tell me over the phone what the charge is, but apparantly isn't too worried because she made an appointment for next Tuesday after I get off work. I plan to explain both the situation with my neighbor and how my ex husband is still trying to get revenge however he can. And I plan to tell her I'm sure I'll see more of her, because I'm sure that I will.
Either way, no matter WHO called, I am so done with all the headaches. I'm going to stay living next door to my neighbor and kill her with kindness. Her son has been coming over to my house every day asking for some type of food. One day it was garlic, the next was corn. Do I have GROCERY STORE written on my front door or something? Being that I'm now very cautious, I have just told him no and to go home and slammed the door.
My ex, however, may just get his visitation taken away after this. I cannot and will not deal with his lies and games for the next 18 years. I've been nice enough to let him see Caleb for the entire weekend. But no more, as our paperwork says 6 hours on Saturday. And I emailed my attorney, and I was right-I don't have to give him any information. I explained that he got fired again from his job and has no way to support the kids and no place to live. I love my attorney, because here's what he said:
Were there seatbelts in the Semi for the kids? He has been and always will be a flake-his behavior is predictable-always trying to elicit cops etc. If he has no accomodation for kids or money to support and feed them-cut off his visitation. Do you know where the kids sleep when he has them? You have the right to protect your children from dangerous scenarios. The police cannot enforce a domestic order-he had to lie about their safety etc.
That's why I pay the big bucks, yeah baby.
I was talking to a friend of mine that goes to church with my ex BIL and of course, my ex told him that I was pregnant but that he thought it wasn't his. Wow, color me surprised. NOT. But it's sad when your own family no longer believes you. He told my friend that whatever my ex says to him, he knows it's usually a lie, and that he just lets it go right in one ear and out the other. And doesn't argue with him.
I vow this: all of this is going to change. And I'm putting my foot down because the man will never EVER grow up. Not ever. I wish we had a bigger blow up guy on the emoticon guy because the one we have here isn't a big enough of an E X P L O S I O N!!!!!!