For once, nothing too new to report.
Dusti got to do Kangaroo Kare with her son yesterday. And I haven't stopped insanely smiling since for her
Lee is shipping out October 30. Again, not too saddened by this any longer. I have a feeling he just isn't ready to be married again, even after five years.
Meeting Tim for the first time tonight at church, so hopefully that goes well. Post more about this tomorrow.
I've been trying to update this journal for days now, but every time I start, something has been wrong with the site or my attention has been taken by other things.
So..here goes. And you've been warned.
I've lost 12.4 lbs during October. Yeah me. I'm still not happy with my weight, so I'm continuing on a lifestyle change.
I've given up dating for a while. Instead, I've begun to pray for God to keep me content to be single. And single with His purpose for me in mind, that I can live the single life purposefully and serving my Jesus.
Lee eventually got his orders to head to the Azores. Last Wednesday, in fact. And he had to leave on Friday. So what does he do? Goes and plays pool with his buddies. Go figure. It stressed out Annie, that's for sure. So I stayed up until 1 a.m. with him Thursday night, trying to help him get packed up and get things set up. He left Friday afternoon and then I got a surprise call from him just before he left the States Saturday morning, from the Baltimore airport. I was totally shocked that he called, as I didn't expect to hear from him for quite some time.
And then Mr. I'm God's Gift to Women...whom I met online at plenty of fish. Who decided to lie to me about being married twice (not once as he told me) and then decides to lie again and tell me that his first wife died four months after they were married. And then my pal Amanda showed me a public records site...and I'm scratching my head because why the heck do you have to get divorced from someone who died? I called him on it and walked away from that relationship, thankful that the Lord showed me what I needed to see.
I'll update more later, but for now I have several projects I need to complete at work.
There is so much I need to update here. I have been through a week of sheer hell, and I have a feeling there is more to come.
But I will say this: The ex has been at it AGAIN. And I can't take this crap any more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I am able to recount the latest without having a major crying spell, I'll be able to update this journal.
In a nutshell: the ex didn't return Chase and Hunter Sunday evening when he was supposed to. Then I went through 3 days of torture trying to get them back. And then found out he's trying to have me charged with child abuse.
Will this trauma ever end?
Without the new man in my life, who patiently sat on the phone with me Monday night and listened as I bawled my head off with the gut wrenching sobs of one who cries without hope, and then came and held me all night as I continued to cry...I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't held me through this.
The trauma, I might as well acknowledge, will never end.
Why the hell did I EVER marry this jerk???
If this blog makes no sense to you, then I'll atribute that to the fact that I have a large goose egg on the back of my head. On a better note: my lawn is mowed, my house is clean, my van sparkles and smells lemony fresh.
Friday, while we were waiting for Ryan's prescription at Wal-Mart, we went and vacuumed out my van. I got so disgusted with the ground in gunk on the middle seat that I took that sucker to the car wash bay and took the power sprayer to it. After it dripped water for a while, I put it back in the van. Then we went back to Wal-Mart, where I discovered my driver's license was gone. So back to the Happy Bubbles Car Wash I went. Never did find the driver's license, but Ryan had thrown away my very expensive cross necklace. Good thing we went back. So I'll be going down to my local DMV for a replacement. Yippee.
Saturday morning the lawn guy came over and woke me up at an unearthly hour in the morning. 7 a.m. on a weekend???? I groaned, went to Albertsons to get him some cash, came back home and I slept. Around 10 or so, he was still at it. And my ex called. I was still in bed...and he couldn't seem to believe that I wasn't up and around. I have no kids, I tell him. He thought I had Ryan's girls. Nope, I said. DHS finally approved his daycare application and besides, it's the weekend. DUH.
Saturday I went to Lee's house to take Stephen and Alexis bike riding, since Annie got no sleep Friday night. What is it with kids, that they'll sleep in during the week when they have to get up and get ready for school, but on the weekends, they're up before the rooster is? We ended up riding through the park and even stopped long enough so I could climb up into the rocketship slide thingy. That was fun, a blast from my past. All was well except that, on the way back, Stephen decides he's going to ride ahead, and can't hear me yelling at him to let us catch up. We got back to their house and Alexis and I discovered that Stephen wasn't there. So we threw the bikes in the yard and jumped in my van and went around the block, but didn't find him. When we pulled back into the driveway, Stephen was home. It took everything in me not to yell at him for scaring me so much. So he's lost priviledges of going on a bike ride with us next time.
Then Lee gets online and believe it or not, he chides me for loosing Stephen. Before I could say anything I'd regret (b/c I was upset and felt bad enough already), I left and went home. Later on that night, he tells me that he lost Stephen when he was two, and he knew how much it would scare me. He just hoped that I would relay to them that he loved them and that they have to follow the rules he sets out for them no matter who they're with. I do love those kids, I tell him. I would die for them! I can only relay so much of his love to them. When it comes down to it, they need their dad. They need his time, his love, his hugs. They need him.
But apparantly, my two older children were out to kill each other this weekend. Saturday Hunter hit Chase in the head. With a hammer. He now has a nice goose egg that covers the back of his head and a scratch underneath his left eye from him running into a tree. (Hmmm....wonder if it's time to take him back to the eye doc yet?) Sunday, Chase took revenge on Hunter and whacked him something fierce with a stick. Although he swears that Hunter just 'ran into' the stick. Uh-huh. So now Hunter has a walnut sized bump on the right side of his forehead with a long cut going down the middle.
Ah, but mom couldn't miss out on the fun. So I decided to clean house yesterday after I got home from church. And then Ryan calls, so I went in the kitchen. Just as I reached the phone, my feet went out from under me and in a second, I fell backwards, hit my head on a chair and scraped my right arm along the island countertop. I manage to reach and pick up the phone. It's Ryan, and he says I sound tired. No, I tell him, I'm not tired. I just fell on an entire dumped bottle of brand new laundry detergent. It's clear, so I didn't see it. Of course, I tell myself, I just have to be like my kids. So the three of us have a bump somewhere on our noggins. I was reminded of mine this morning, in fact, trying to brush my hair. In between that nasty bump and the fact that I think I've bruised my tailbone, I'm living on ibuprofen and praying for healing and strenth to make it through the next few days.
So 'scuse me while I go off to skulk in a torrid sea of pain and misery....
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~
I heard the tears in your voice today. The tears that welled up behind the frustration of things of the past, the present and whatever the future may hold. Ones that speak of things unknown, and not yet seen. When is it, my love, that you will learn to trust? When does the day come when you realize that God holds in store so many greater things for you? Remember the words of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."
You wondered aloud today what I see in you. I see in you so many things. I see the strength you posess. I see the quiet courage that brings me comfort in the storms. I see the deep welled joy that springs forth when we spend time together. I see a man of God. I see the man God created you to be, and more importantly, I see in you the man that God is molding after His image.
I may not yet be able to call you Mine Forever....but I do want you to know that I am here for you through all of this, and you have the opportunity to lean on me and see the Father's immense love for you. He is carrying you through this....
I Will Go There With You BY Stephen Curtis Chapman
Right from the start
I said death would be the only thing
That could tear us apart
And now that you are standing
On the edge of the unknown
"I love you" means I'll be with you
Wherever you must go
I will take a heart as nature
As to be beat for me alone
And fill it up with you
Make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you
And I will give myself to love
The way love gave itself for me
And climb with you to mountain tops
Or swim the raging sea
To the place where one heart is made from two
I will go there with you
I will go there with you
I see it in your tears
You wonder where you are
The wind is growing colder
And the sky is going dark
Though it's something neither of us understands
We can walk through this together
If we hold each other's hand
I said for better or for worse
I'd be with you
So no matter where you're going
I will go there too
I know sometimes I've let you down
But I won't let you go
We'll always be together
(Posting my last son's birth story, so I have it for later)
December 4, 2005
5 lb 3 oz
17 3/4 inches long
My story actually begins two weeks before December 4th. My blood pressure was starting to elevate and my doctor would only allow me to go to work and do nothing else. On December 1, Caleb shifted around about 2:30 in the afternoon. After that, I was in serious pain right above my uterus, just below my rib cage. By Friday, December 2 around 1:00 p.m., I was in so much pain and not feeling well that I decided to go to LDR just to be safe. I got there and was having zero contractions but my blood pressure was in the 170/110 range. So my doc kept me because I was spilling protein in my urine and my blood pressure was so high. I got admitted to the 3rd floor high risk unit to complete a 24 hour urinalysis to see how much protein I was actually spilling. They put IV number 1 in that evening, just in case. Throughout the evening I went through 2 ultrasounds to see how Caleb was doing. During the 2nd ultrasound I developed a terrible headache. So they gave me Oxycodone (Perkoset without the Tylenol since I'm allergic to it) to help get rid of it. By morning, I still had the headache and was still in pain, so they gave me two more oxycodone and I went to sleep. About 5 in the evening, my parents came to visit and my headache was still there. Just after they left, they got the results back from my urinalisys test and I was dumping enough protein to be diagnosed with mild preeclampsia. However, because of the pain in my abdomen and my headache that would not go away, my doc decided to induce because those symptoms put me into the severe preeclampsia stage. They got me started on magnesium sulfatate when we moved down to L&D. My doc came in and took out the cerclage and gave me cydotek to start softening my cervix. At 11 that night another doc came in and sat on my foot and gave me another dose. I was at 1 cm then. At 4 a.m. they came back in to give me another dose of cydotek. Still at 1 cm but the cydotek was causing my uterus to be overstimulated, so I was having contractions one on top of the other. It was then I began to cry for drugs. The nurse told me I needed to wait. I told her my doctor said I could have my epidural whenever I wanted. She was the witchy nurse no one liked. So another nurse came in and gave me a shot of Demerol. It burned terribly, but within a minute, I was asleep and not feeling any pain. I woke up 10 minutes later when the nurse inflated the blood pressure cuff on the arm my IV was in because it hurt my hand terribly. I've never screamed so loud in my life. That was the only pain I couldn't handle. So finally she took it off my arm with the IV and put it on my other arm. Duh on her. I went back to sleep. My blood pressures were staying elevated throughout the night. Around 7, I felt Caleb punch my pelvic bone, and I said, "What on earth was that?" A few seconds later, my water broke in a huge gush. It was gross. The fluid was clear. The doc checked me and I was at a 4 and 100% effaced. I went back to sleep because I was so drugged I couldn't stay awake. I awoke to the nurses trying to tell me to get into position so I could get my epidural. Except that I couldn't move. There was like, 20 docs and nurses in the room at this point. I didn't even feel the epidural go in, I was so out of it.
At 9:30 my doctor came in because Caleb's heart rate was decelling with each contraction and his rate was staying flat when it went back up. He told me he'd give me another 30 minutes to see if I would progress (I was still at a 4 and 100% effaced). If I didn't, I would have to have a C-section. I wasn't worried about having a section. I was more worried that I was going to have to go back to work in a week trying to still recover from the section. My mom sat down and we prayed. After that, I decided I was going to give Caleb a little push down. My dad was sitting in the room, cheering Caleb on. I remember him saying "Caleb, Caleb, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can," and "Rah rah ree, kick 'em in the knee, Rah rah rass, kick 'em in the other knee." And hearing the nurse comment for my dad to keep talking to him. My doctor, meanwhile, was down in surgery prepping a room for a section. At 9:50 I told the nurse I was feeling a lot of pressure and when she checked, she said I was a 5-6 cm, but she wanted to get my doctor to check and make sure. My doc came in at 10 a.m. and I was complete and Caleb was ready to be born. I gave a few good pushes and with the help of a suction cup, he got Caleb out in a hurry because his heart was still decelerating. A few seconds later, I heard Caleb cry heartily. I told my dad to make sure he got some pictures. A few minutes later, they let me hold Caleb for a few minutes and then whisked him off to the NICU. They told me he was breathing on his own, but having a bit of trouble with it, so they put him on CPAP. After two weeks in the hospital and trouble with getting rid of jaundice, Caleb finally came home on December 17, 2005.
He now weighs 7 lb 12 oz almost 2 months later and he's now 21 1/2 inches long.
(Posting my 2nd son's birth story...and I can't believe it's still around)
Ok, better write this down or I'm gonna forget really soon.
Hunter has been the baby we've waited for for five long years. I spent my first trimester worrying about miscarriage, and had a heart attack when I started bleeding at 9 weeks. When I went into the doctor that day, I had a fever, and my heart sank. I thought for sure I was going to loose Hunter. But there he was, on the monitor, just moving around all over the place! At 13 weeks on December 23rd we got a great Christmas present...Hunter! The doc put in the cerclage and I couldn't believe that we made it that far!
Things were pretty uneventful until around 30 weeks. Then I started having all the problems...my blood pressure was too high, the blood sugars were too low, and there was too much amniotic fluid. Most of those problems, thankfully, corrected themselves.
At my 35 1/2 week appointment, the doc took out the cerclage. Contractions started almost immediately, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. I ended up going to labor and delivery on May 29th due to early contractions. Although I dialated overnight from 1 cm to 3 cm, the doc standing in for my doc made me go home, still contracting. I wasn't really in labor, she said. I was just having braxton hicks.
Two more times I went to the hospital with contractions, and two more times I was sent home because I wouldn't dialate to a 4 cm. In that time frame I also had two amniocentesis tests done to test for lung maturity. Both came back as mature-the first L/S ratio being a 2.4 and the second L/S ratio being a 2.9. But the stand in doc wouldn't induce me because I there wasn't a PG factor present.
Finally, my doc got back into town on Wednesday, June 11th. He called me that day and told me that I would need to be at the hospital at 4:00 p.m. the next day for an induction. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't going to get my hopes up until I was in the hospital and all hooked up. Well, 4:00 p.m. came on the 12th, and when we arrived at the hospital, the nurses actually knew we were coming! I was awed, because I couldn't believe my two weeks of labor was about to be over.
The nurse who was taking care of me at the time was a complete wreck. She was really grumpy. She also managed to collapse my vein when she tried to stick an IV in. And she really dug around with the needle. That hurt badly. I don't usually cry when I get stuck with needles but I did that time. Finally she gave up and called in an IV team. They stuck one in my right hand, which stayed, thankfully.
Of course, Dr. Bohman was late getting there. He was supposed to be there around 4:30 p.m. but didn't arrive until 7:00 p.m. that night. He started the induction with cervadil because my cervix kept lengthening back out. So for two hours I laid in bed waiting for the cervadil to work. It worked immediately. Contractions started picking up in intensity almost the second it was placed. After two hours they let me get up and take a shower, because it wasn't likely that I would be up and around for too much longer. i also got to eat dinner. Bland, but at least it was food!
Over the course of the night, I kept contracting. Hunter kept moving, to the annoyance of the hospital nurses. I just had to keep laughing because he just didn't want to stay still long enough to keep his heartbeat monitored. I told the nurses they would be glad when my doc broke my water so he could put an internal monitor on Hunter.
At 7:00 a.m. the next morning, my doc came back in. He broke my water and got the internal monitor put on Hunter's head, much to the pleasure of the nurses. My water breaking was quite the disgusting feeling. Plus, I kept feeling the internal monitor cords brush up against my legs every time Hunter would roll around. It was a very weird feeling. As soon as my water broke, however, the contractions started hitting me harder and harder. Within about 10 minutes, I told my husband to screw the hypnobirthing-I wanted an epidural. He wanted me to wait, but I kept yelling at him until he got someone upstairs.
And God bless the anesthesiologists! While he placed the epidural, the nurse started IV fluids, antibiotics, and pitocin. And my vein collapsed in my hand. I wanted to cry. So while the drug doc was placing the epidural, another nurse stuck an IV in my left hand. The IV being placed hurt worse than the epidural. But soon the epidural took effect, and I was on cloud nine! I kept telling the drug doc, "You are THE MAN!" Which kept making him laugh. 10 minutes later, I was checked and dialated to 5 cm and 100% effaced! I couldn't believe it! I wasn't at 3 cm anymore! I could have hugged the resident doctor!
After about two hours, I started feeling contractions again and a different drug doc came in. They gave me more meds and I got comfy again. The nurse also had to lower the dose of pitocin because it was working too well. I was contracting every minute with like a 10 second break in between them and Hunter wasn't tolerating it well. His heartbeat kept dropping after contractions. When the resident doc came back in and checked me, I was at 7 cm! I was excited because I knew then that my labor was close to ending and soon.
About 2 hours later, I had to ask for more pain meds because I was about to die from the contractions. So I got more drugs and the nurse had to disconnect the pitocin because I was contracting far too well on my own. When Dr. Worley (the resident doc, who, by the way, sure was a happy doctor and she was very smiley ) came back in to check me, I was at 9 cm. By that time I was feeling Hunter's head push down with each contraction. Ten minutes later I was dialted to a ten. My doc walked in and supervised Dr. Worley delivering Hunter. And then the kitchen staff brought in food that my hubby and mom had ordered. If you ever want great incentive to push a baby out, have someone deliver food at the beginning of the pushing stage. It works wonders! After 6 contractions and 20 minutes of pushing, Hunter's head was out! He was born looking sideways and the Dr. Worley kept trying to pull Hunter out but his shoulders were stuck. So Dr. Bohman told her to stop pulling and turn Hunter a bit. Then he popped right out. They asked my dh if he wanted to cut the cord, but he just told the docs that they were more qualified to do that. They, of course, laughed. As soon as the cord was cut and they had him suctioned, boy did he scream! And what a beautiful sound it was, too! My doc had told me earlier that day that there was a 20% chance Hunter would have to go to the NICU because of lung maturity. The first thing the doc said when Hunter came out was "That guy is half grown already! And definitely NOT a girl!"
The nurse took Hunter over to the warming bed and checked his blood sugar and lungs and prounced him healthy, another fact that I couldn't believe! I was prepared for the possibility that Hunter would have to be in the NICU because I'm diabetic. So when I was told he was healthy and could go home with me, I couldn't help but cry! I was actually going to take my angel home with me! Woo-who!
After two days in the hospital, we got to go home. Breastfeeding started off as a 24 hour event, but we're down to eating every 3 hours for 30 minutes, thank goodness!
And you know, it's been just over a week since Hunter was born on Friday the 13th, weighing in at 7 lbs, 15.2 oz and 20 inches long. Ladies on up in their years like to tell me that when Hunter smiles, it's just gas. But I know better. I wonder what babies dream about that makes them smile so big and giggle in their sleep. But I do know that, even now, I wonder how people can't believe in God when they look at a newborn baby, smiling contently in their sleep.
God, what do I do with what Ryan just told me? He sounded so different on the phone today. A Spirit of Addiction...a Spirit of Discord had a hold of the man I love. I don't want to overreact here. But when he told me that he used to smoke, I was literally in shock. I guess I still am. I stated "you've had a cigarette today" and he said the last time was three months ago. When I asked him later on in the conversation if he'd had a cigarette today, he said that he'd gotten one from a coworker. It was like he was expecting me to walk away from him, expecting me to fight with him. He didn't want to admit he'd suffered from an addiction. Obviously, he was addicted to the cigarettes because otherwise, he wouldn't get such a strong craving for them. I would image it doesn't take much to get addicted to nicotene. I prayed with him, but his tone didn't change, and he still sounds like he's under bondage from the enemy. He asked me, "Do I believe in him enough to know that he can quit and put them down and never touch another one." What I know is that it doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what God thinks. All I could tell him is that his actions speak louder than his words right now. I am thankful that he shared this struggle with me, so I can pray for him. By the end of the conversation, I could tell that he wanted me to get angry, anything, wanted me to fight with him. So I simply told him that I sensed a spirit of discord and that I love him very much, and that I was going to go so I could get back to work....and he hung up, without saying I love you back.
Which brings me back to my original question. God, what do I do with this, as now I carry a heavy burden on my heart....
Strange how life throws us a huge curve ball at times.
Relief would best describe it. There's been a nagging doubt since day one, and I chose to ignore it. But as soon as I let him go, the doubt, the nag all lifted and in its place came a wave of peace and relief that I'd done the right thing.
Oh, how I've slept the sleep of peace and joy over the past few days. I never realized how the stress of this relationship was making me extremely weary. I've gone to bed around 9 both nights, and while strange, odd dreams have plagued my sleep, I still have slept in peace.
So today, God, I stand alone yet again. And today I choose to turn over my desire to get married again. It may never happen, and right now I choose to acknowledge that I can provide a safe, stable, loving home, full of joy and laughter, for my boys. I can choose to let YOU lead and be my strength and my provider.
I am thankful for confirmation from the pastor of my church that I've done the right thing...he said he wasn't seeing God in the relaitonship, and it's what I felt. He said this man has a lot of growing to do before he's ready to lead and support a family the way a man should.
The weight has been lifted off, and strangely, I'm not really all that sad. Because I know where my value lies. It lies not in man, but in the joy of the Lord! It lies in the strength He gives me to make it through each day. It lies in the beauty of brokeness as I come before Him. With joy and thanksgiving I give YOU the glory, the honor and the praise that you are SO very worthy of!