I write today's blog with such a heavy, burdened heart.
I watched the man my heart truly loves totally loose it last night. I mean lost it.
You see, Ryan has been recently diagnosed with ADD. I have been learning all that I can about this condition in order to better support him. I have recently been left in a wake of frustration that has no venue other than to cast my cares upon my Jesus and take upon myself His yolk and His burden, which are easy and light and not so heavy.
We had a discussion Saturday afternoon, because Ryan feels like I have a controlling, domineering personality and I'm treating him too much like I would treat one of my children. Yes, I will admit that I have. The way he's been acting, he feels like one of my children. I didn't do that with the intent of making him feel an inch high. But he's 32 and it's time he grew up.
Well, yesterday Ryan lost his third job this year in just a few month's time. And that makes job 66 in 10 years. I can completely understand why he is frustrated. But he didn't need to loose it like he did. I had to tell him all the way to his house that he needed to shut up and not do this in front of his daughters. They both have been through too much and they need a daddy, not the explosive anger that I saw yesterday.
We got to his house, and I told the girls to stay in the van. We went inside and I mean he just collapsed on the couch. I placed one hand on his stomach and the other on his head and I began to pray. He began to sob, gut wrenching sobs of pain and despair. He was screaming I HATE YOU over and over. I prayed for him, kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him, and took the girls and left.
I have never seen him act like he did last night, and it scared me. I've never heard such filth come out of his mouth. I've never seen him so angry!
I don't know that I slept much last night. I woke up this morning and my heart began pouring out to God to help strengthen me to support him through this. I poured out my heart to God on his behalf. I woke the girls up and took them to daycare, and then went up to Dominion Church to pray. The church building represents to me the strong tower that God is. I ran to it and ran to my safety. I sat in the parking lot and began to pray several chapters of Psalms over him and over me. About an hour later, I went inside to talk to Apostle about how I can better support Ryan through this, but I found him prostrate on the floor praying. So I prayed some more. Immediately I felt God. I felt Him all around me, and felt His glory. I knew He was listening as the tears fell unashamed. He is giving me strength in the moment I need it.
As much as I love him, I have asked him to leave me alone for a while. I am going to take care of his girls for him while he works to get his life back on track. He's 32 and he needs to learn to manage a household. He needs to learn to shop for groceries. He needs to learn to lead and be the man God has called him to be. He needs to stop using the ADD as his crutch and as his excuse for failure. I pray that he honors this. I still love him. I still know God's plan for us is to be husband and wife and work together in ministry. I know this is the beginning of the spiritual purging process for him. But I also know I have to step back out of his life right now.
I cannot face him right now, and I'm not really sure why. I cannot talk to him, I cannot share with him what is upon my heart. My focus is loving Rachel and Abigail right now. Maybe it's because I am afraid if I have to be around him, I will loose it emotionally. I cannot be emotionally or physically supportive of him right now. I can only support him in prayer, and trust that God will give me strength, because He is the giver of strength...
Well, I was quite nervous last night, as it was my first time preaching a sermon to a group of adults EVER. But I knew the nervousness would disappear by the time it was my turn and God would turn that nervousness into a dynamic force. Apostle Brown said that when it's three speaker night, all three speakers sermons flow together in some way. By the time the first gal got done speaking, I was bouncing in my seat thinking, "Oh. Oh. Call me next!" It was a phenomenal service. As soon as I have the audio available, I will post it here as well because I'd love for you to hear what the other two speakers said. So many people came up to me afterwards and told me how blessed they were by what I spoke. I am so thankful that God gave me the honor of sharing His word with others. I was entirely drained last night from God's power just flowing right through me. I don't know how Pastors do this twice a week!
Open your Bibles with me to Galatians 5, beginning in verse 1. I'll be reading from the New International Version.
1It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. 2Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all. 3Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obligated to obey the whole law. 4You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. 6For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
7You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? 8That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. 9"A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough." 10I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion will pay the penalty, whoever he may be.
This particular passage of the Bible is representative of my life as it is right now. God is taking me through a purging process right now, and setting me free from many things from my past. There is one who has tried to destroy me since the moment I was born. He tried to take me out through an early birth in a time when medical technology didn’t have much to offer a preterm infant. He tried to take me out through my own parent’s divorce. He tried to take me out through rape. He tried to take me out through depression. He tried to take me out through bad friendships and dating relationships. He tried taking me out through my marriage to a man who wasn’t after His heart. He tried to take me out through loosing my first son 20 weeks into my pregnancy. He tried to take me out through several miscarriages. He tried to take me out through the pain of marital infidelity. He tried to take me out through my divorce. He tried to take me out through my children spending time in State Custody after my divorce. He tried to take me out through using church leadership. He tried to take me out through ploys and schemes from my ex spouse. He tried to take me out through even more bad relationships after my divorce. He is trying to take me out even now through the generational curse of diabetes.
You see, I stand before you and tell you that I am a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy. My life is in no way perfect. I grew up in church, but that hasn’t stopped the enemy from attacking. That hasn’t stopped me from making entirely ungodly choices. One thing has become clear: that God has some very big plans for my life, bigger than I had ever dreamed God could use me for. Otherwise, the enemy wouldn’t have tried so hard to take me out.
All of these things have planted in me the root of rejection. As that rejection has been buried deep within my spirit, it has been watered and it’s grown, producing some seemingly beautiful flowers. Anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, envy, strife, and fear. The pity parties were grand affairs. I pulled out my finest china and donned my finest attire and served up the enemy and these emotions. He was perfectly content to let me do that as long as I wanted to. I got angry with my ex spouse for not supporting the boys. I cried because I could only give the boys their needs and not their wants. I stared at the ceiling for hours soon after we separated, hugging my 7 month pregnant stomach and I wondered how he could have cared so little about me, about the boys. I would bash my ex husband to anyone who would listen with the exception of my kids. I got sick and tired of watching him live like a Disneyland dad while I had to struggle. I hated my mom for making so many bad relationship choices, because her choices led to some horrific experiences for me. I hated my life, I hated myself and I knew I was worth nothing to anyone.
That was until recently. I began to pray for God to search my heart and to test my thoughts and to take out everything that wasn’t like Him. When that rejection began to come out, so did many other emotions. I thought I’d dealt with all of my emotions related to my divorce. Boy was I wrong! I will tell you that buried emotions hurt horrendously being yanked up out of the fertile soil of one’s spirit. But then I began to realize that the roots of rejection have gone years back into my past.
Rejection itself does funny things to people. I was always worried about what I was doing to make other people mad. If I felt rejected, I shut people out and walked away, not wanting to feel that rejection. I would even reject others just to protect myself. The very root of rejection breeds more rejection. I looked to others to find my self value and my self worth. I looked to man for acceptance. My heart cried out to be loved and accepted by another man. I looked for love in all the wrong faces, in all the wrong places. I gave myself to man after man after man. I left each relationship feeling even more empty, even more worthless.
As God has begun the process of changing my life, one thing has become so very clear. The importance of renewing my mind minute by minute if that’s what it takes. By renewing my mind, I am planting new seeds and allowing the fruits of the spirit to blossom and grow into even more beautiful flowers than I ever imagined possible! Romans 12:1-2 says:
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritualact of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
I had to put to heart Psalm 118:8: “It is better to put my hope in God than to trust in man.” God has opened my eyes to the truth that my focus can’t be on what someone else thinks of me. My focus is shifting to only caring about what God thinks of me. Yes, man may reject me. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I am a loved, valued daughter of my Jesus! If I disappoint the lover and creator of my soul, now THAT is something that will bother me.
So how do you renew your mind? By taking up and putting on the full armor of God that is in Ephesians 6. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says:
3For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
The weapons we fight with are not of this world. Again, those weapons are the full armor of God. Every lie that you have believed must be replaced with the Word of Truth! It must be brought into the LIGHT.
The passage in Corinthians not only mentions the weapons that we must fight with, but the POWER the weapons give us. It says “they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” What is a stronghold? A stronghold is a strongly fortified defensive structure, a place of refuge, or an area dominated or occupied by a special group. As I began to research passages that contained the word ‘stronghold’ I was surprised to find verses that contained this word in reference to God. Psalm 18 is a great reference to the stronghold of God.
1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.
4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
7 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
9 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
13 The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.
15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.
16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
You see, the enemy has tried to place strongholds into my life. After reading Psalm 18, I could picture the enemy trembling at the awesome and mighty power of God. The enemy trembles because when we step out and learn to use the weapons God give us, he looses control over our mind. God is a stronghold, a place of refuge, a strongly fortified defensive structure, and yet He gives us divine POWER to break down the enemy’s strongholds on our lives. The enemy’s stronghold definition lies in “an area dominated or occupied by a special group.” This area is in the MIND. This is why it is VITAL that we renew our minds! After seeing the visual picture from Psalm 18, I can tell you that this is the very picture of the stronghold of God-what God will do on our behalf to defend us and break down the enemy’s strongholds in our lives. Face it, if I saw God with smoking nostrils and fire coming from his mouth, forget the flaming arrows. I would definitely high tail it out of there and figure out how to flee seven ways!
But I am here today to tell you that it is for freedom that Christ has set me free! Many of my past hurts no longer hurt when I think about them. Some still do, and I know I have more healing that I need. But I am here to serve notice on the enemy that no weapons formed against me will EVER prosper. Try all you want, but you can’t have me. I am a bought out, sold out, daughter of Jesus! Greater is He that is in me than you that are in the world, you who seek to devour me like a lion. I will not worry about what others think of me. Because the Word says that God has a covenant of love with me. That I am valuable to him, because He knows the numbers of hair I have on my head. The one who is trying to throw me into confusion WILL pay the penalty. I have God’s divine power which dwells within me that demolishes every stronghold! I put my hope and my life into the hands of my Father, and my eyes are set on the Author and Finisher of my faith. I am confident of this: that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to carry me on to the day of completion in Christ Jesus!
Ok, God. I KNOW this is what you've asked me to do, to completely disappear from Ryan's life right now. My intentions were not to hurt him by doing so...I just know without a doubt that this separation has to happen. I am not walking away from him, God. I want what you want for my life. I want to know you more. I want to learn to trust in you as my husband, provider and protector. I step out and marry you today, learn to love you more and allow you to love me more. I step out in faith and desire to develop an even more intimate relationship to you.
But God, I can't lie to you. This hurts something awful right now. Not to be able to share my life, my love with him....I don't understand all of this. My grief is immense. I will, however, promise you that I will only greive this loss for today. I don't want to be caught up in a torrent of depression over this. Help me God to entirely let him go so you can move in. I can't help him become the man you need him to be any more than he can help me become the woman you need me to be.
It almost seems a cruel trick to introduce me to my future husband, and then allow me to fall in love. Except that I also realize that you have shown me my future so I know what I'm working towards, towards your goal for my life. I chose to allow that love to develop without your blessing and out of season.
I choose you, no matter how much it hurts. I choose you despite what my heart says. I choose you over my selfish wants and desires. I choose to love. I choose to heal. I choose to laugh. I choose to love. I choose to live my life as You have called me. I choose to draw to myself Your joy. I choose life over death. I choose your calling over my life. I choose to die out to myself today. I told you there was no other way, God, but your way. All of me for all of you.
OK, OK...where do I even start?
Ok, I'll start with the air conditioner. Which went out for the second time in 8 days. Last weekend one of my dogs had chewed through the wire. This weekend my oldest son swears that he tripped over the thermostat wire. I dunno. I think he wants to save his dog (I've had it with the dog, so if anyone wants him, send me a message). Needless to say, when I left for church yesterday, all was nice and cool. When I got home around 2, it felt kinda warm. After sweating off about 20 pounds yesterday, the A/C man came to my house this morning (FINALLY) and replaced a purple fuse. I love the A/C man. Just like women in labor love the epidural man.
Let's see. Oh. My ex husband is getting married sometime in October. To the woman who he had affair 3 with. Oddly enough, it didn't phase me. I wish them the best of luck. However, I'm still waiting on them both to show me the paperwork that says that she was never charged with anything in relation to the CPS case and her children, and that she is a CASA worker. I have to know that my ex husband is being truthful. Until I know what the truth is, I still can't allow her to be around my children for their own protection. But if they're able to show me that what he's saying is the truth, then we're off to supervised visits. Far be it from me to stop him from being happy. I was a bit upset though upon hearing that he spent time in the ER with her (she has a heart problem)...whenever I was sick, he wouldn't give me the time of day. He says that his dad's side of the family won't have anything to do with either of them...but he says that's their problem. I know that they know the truth. Even her family doesn't think that they should be together. Makes me wish I was going to talk to the pastor who has agreed to marry them. Not so sure their marriage is a good idea, but then again, I have nothing to do with it other than how it affects my children.
I am excited because I saw God totally deliver Ryan yesterday from a demon of suicide and death. Apostle was saying that he saw Ryan's funeral 3 months from now...and all the people around him that love him. I was somber upon thinking of him dying...that would definitely affect me, as I love him with all my heart. Ryan went up front, and Praise the Lord! He was delivered. I knew as soon as I heard the gut wrenching sobs rising from him, I knew something was going to come out. Apostle asked everyone in the room to get on their faces and pray. The tears that poured out of me were immense. I heard Ryan screaming (although I know it wasn't him) NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! HE'S MINE! HE'S MINE! over and over. Ryan said Apostle laid himself across Ryan, forming a cross. And the demon left, praise the Lord yet again! As soon as Apostle asked everyone to raise their hands in praise, the associate pastor was by my side, asking me to go up front. All he said to me was to raise my hands and said that as of this moment, I was fully delivered and finally free. After that, I was out on the floor, shaking uncontrollably. But I am free. And I am rejoicing that Ryan is being freed from his past!
Ryan and I spent the afternoon together yesterday. He looks different. He acts different. We were able to spend some time together reconciling our relationship. We ended the afternoon praying for one another, putting our relationship in God's hands, and leaving it up to God for His timing in this. We do still love each other, but I know what God has asked. I still wish I could share every moment with him, but I know this separation is what is needed. I wish he could fully realize that every time he tries to call or text, he's asking me to disobey God. I can't do that. I just can't. I have such a desire, a longing, to know God more. I want to learn to trust him as my husband. I want to love him more. I want a more intimate relationship with Him...
There's nothing that starts the day better than going outside to throw away some trash and discovering that your tire is flat. Flatter than flat. A tire which holds air for no more than 5 minutes. A tire that cost me $20 to fix when I only have $42 left for gas for two weeks. And my gas tank takes $55 to fill up, with one tank lasting me a week.
Problem? No way. An opportunity for God to work and move and show me again that He is Jehovah Jirah, the Lord is my provider. Knowing that this is yet another irritant the enemy is trying to use against me. It's an irrantant only...feels more like a gnat on the wall. A tactic the enemy is trying to use me to keep me out of the 'Throne Zone.' The gnat is fixing to get smushed.
Of course this would happen on a morning where I said, I'll wait until I get to work to read my Bible. Didn't get to work early, that's for sure. Got here right on time. So no time in the Word. Which makes me thankful that I have the '21 Principles of a Healthy Single Mom' Bible Study tonight. I like this study immensely. Step 1 is Hope. Step 2 is Identity. Step 3 is Victory. I can't wait for tonight's lesson. Victory.
God is starting to yank out even more in me. I'm discovering resistance to authority. Sunday the pastor asked me to pick up Ryan, knowing full well what God has asked me to do. I sure wasn't happy about it. So God, how do I get this out of me, since it isn't like you? I need to be submissive, but not stupid. This is what I am going to seek. Show me what Your Word says, God. Show me how I need to get this out of me. Who do I need to talk to? Along with this resistance comes a rebelious spirit. How, how, how? I am ready and waiting, however painful the process may be.
Last night's Bible Study was something else. I'm going through the "21 Principles for a Healthy Single Mom" study. Last night's topic was Victory. There is now a 7 step process that each one of us must go through. These involve listing EVERYTHING that you have knowingly or unknowingly done that is against God. Every thought, every action, every sin. Everything must be rebuked, and I must renew my mind and immerse myself in the Word of God. They recommend going through this process with another person. This scares me. This means that I have to be entirely open and honest with another person. There is so much of my past that I am ashamed of. There is so much of my past that I wouldn't want another person to ever know about. I know the spirit of condemnation is going to weigh heavily upon me through this. But face everything I must. I have to go through this to gain victory in my life. I know that I have only begun to fight the battle. This is going to be a lifetime of renewing my mind and becoming more like Christ. Get ready, Satan, because you loose in my life through this. No more you in my life whatsoever. Serving a total eviction notice through this. No weapon you form against me will ever be able to prosper.
I did realize that for the first time last night, that I felt happy. That I felt joyous. That I felt like ME for the very first time in a really long time again. I have no men in my life (well...my dad and some friends that are guys), but there's no one serious. No one for me to call, to share my life with, to share my love with. But I'm entirely ok with this. I am spending more and more time immersed in the Bible, learning about who God is and learning about who I am. My home is coming into order. I'm suddenly not too tired at the end of the day to play with my kids or spend time with them. I chuckle every morning as I listen to my oldest son complain b/c I make him pick up his room every morning and make his bed. I love every hug I get from my kids. I love my life right now, and it just doesn't get any better than this...
I do think about Ryan sometimes, but not all the time. I pray for him. I pray that God is doing whatever he needs to do in him. We were considering getting married on March 22, 2008. My mind is struggling to let this date go. I know all of this must happen in God's timing. Our relationship is His, and we have both relinquished control of it to God's timing and left in in His very capable hands.
I have often wondered why God would show me my mate, only to remove him from my life. I wonder why God would show me the vision and purpose to which He has called me, only for me to know it's going to happen in the distant future. But then I realized, God has showed me the GOAL for which I am pressing Heavenward. I have seen my mate as he will be after God has worked in his life. I have seen the vision as a reminder that the schooling I'm about to take up are for this purpose. God is setting my paths straight. Total woah.
I blogged not long ago on Ryan and I's first and last official date (at least for a while)...the date with no kids. The one where neither of us knew what to say to each other....the one where Ryan later told me he felt like a Prince honored to escort his beautiful Princess (I still blush at that one!). That was God giving us a glimpse into what our lives will be like as husband and wife. I clap my hands in glee...and look forward to what God is going to write for our love story. He's already begun writing it. This separation is part of it. Oh, but this is going to be GOOD. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds. It's difficult to imagine that I'm actually a part of something so incredible. When God writes your love story, it's nothing short of phenomenal...I know our marriage is going to be something far beyond what I ever could have dreamed that God would have for me. All my desires for a husband will be met and then God will go way beyond what I ever expected. I just can't wait!!! So stay tuned...I don't know when or how or what God is going to do. I just know that He IS. Woo whoo! Praise the Lord!!!
I'm still blown away by last night. It was like Apostle had been reading my journal. The way God confirms things, that I'm on the right path, never ceases to amaze me.
I know it upsets Ryan because I won't take his phone calls. I *am* a bit hurt because he knows full well what God has asked me to do in regards to US...It hurts some because of the tone of voice he uses when I won't answer his calls...and yet every time he calls or text messages, he's asking me to disobey God. No way am I going to do that. I, in fact, had just told him that seconds before Apostle asked me to come back to his office.
I do like the fact that there was a witness present for all of this. I know Ryan and I have been separated for a season. For a specific reason. Apostle reiterated that. The codependency has to be broken. He told Ryan that (in the Spirit) I need a man. I need a husband who will be able to provide for and protect me. I need a house I can go home to. (That would be very true!) He understands that we may make a mistake every now and again, but if we don't take this season to grow and separate and become whole and single, God will take us down different paths. That anytime we feel like calling one another, to journal (which is what I've already been doing). That he is going to be hard on Ryan, because he sees the greatness in him (as do I) and he needs to learn to draw on the well of strength that he carries within. He also said that God will let him know when we're supposed to be joined again. (I am asking God to show me that as well, even if it turns out that we're not to be.) And that the kids may not understand right now, but given time, they will flow in what God has for us. Oh, and what really surprised me is that Apostle apologized for having me pick up Ryan for church on Sunday. I never expected that, and I have been struggling with the 'why' of that decision. He also said that the enemy should have destroyed us while he had the chance, because now it's TOO LATE. (That is the TRUTH!) So that's why I say it seems like Apostle has been reading through my journal. In reality, I am hearing from God and God is hearing me.
I sincerely pray that this had an impact on Ryan. And how thankful I am to God that He is confirming what I've felt in my Spirit. Not to say that there aren't times when I don't miss having Ryan as part of my life. I do miss sharing things with him. I miss praying with him. I miss the times when he's held me close and prayed for me. I miss my Hammy. I am thankful for all of those times, God. This is the part of getting better (healing) so we can both do the bigger work God has for us. I still love him. I can't wait to see the end results, in both myself and in Ryan.
Oh, how I long to know God more right now. The hunger is intense. I'm seeing my Jesus in a new light. I'm seeing Him in all the ways of His love. I'm even beginning to see myself in a new light. All of this is incredible. As my mind is being renewed, God is breaking down all the strongholds of the enemy.
I woke up at 4:30 this morning for some crazy reason. 4:30 a.m....thinking about my brakes, or the lack thereof. It's a scary thing when your brakes won't stop your vehicle very well. Good thing God is working it out to get those fixed, which I plan to do in a few minutes. Thank you so much God for protecting me on the way here!
Feeling kinda down in the dumps today. I've looked at the entire month of August...and I'm $400 short for the month. I won't lie...I am worried. I need more diapers....and gas for next week....and I have a whoping $27 left for all of this. There's that sinking pit feeling down deep in my stomach. And my God will supply for ALL of my needs according to His riches in glory! It's scary, God. Totally scary that there isn't enough to cover my basic necessities plus this ticket for running a stop sign. God...you are the only one that can cover all of this need. I don't see a way out of this, but I will trust in Your provision. You are my husband. I will not worry about tomorrow. I will let my tomorrow worry about itself. All I ask is that you provide for what I need today. I put my faith, my trust into your hands. You've got this. You provided for some much-needed new brakes for my van yesterday. I praise you and I thank you for that! I wish it wasn't money I had to pay back, but you are God and you know best. I need your help with my finances. Not only for the provision...but for the wisdom to use what I have left wisely. You're listening as I pray, I know that. I sometimes forget how real you are...but you have great ways of reminding me. You know what I need before I even ask...this is not a problem. This is an opportunity for you to work. So I sit back, smile with joy, and wait in anticipation for how you're going to provide. But, my Jesus, in the meantime, what can I do for you?
I was surprised last night at the wave of missing Ryan that hit me last night...and then again this morning. You know how I feel towards him...about him, God. You know the love I have deep down in my heart. How I wish I could call him right now and tell him all of this...but I know I cannot. So hug him for me. Wrap your arms around him and love on him since I can't right now. Abba, can I just come sit in your lap for a while? My heart hurts so much right now. Please, Abba? I need to feel your arms around me. I need to be held right now. I need You. All of you. I wish I didn't have to work today, because here I am, sitting at my desk, and the tears are welling up and threatening to spill over. God, right now is one of those times where I wish that we didn't have to be separated...how I miss him, God. How I miss the man my heart truly loves. I know this is for my good. I know this is for his good. I know this is so I can be married and watch my marriage turn out far greater than anything I could have ever planned for myself. It won't be because of me. It will be all because of you. The tears are falling now, God. I cannot stop them.
Yes, yes, I know. I haven't been here in a while. My deepest apologies. Thanks to a killer flu bug, which hit my one year old first...well, I won't go into the gory details, but you can imagine what life has been like at my house. Let's just say my washing machine, as old as it is, is still working and has gotten quite a workout. Blech.
God is still purging me and changing me from within...and right now, I'm getting chastened for trying to do things for Him. So I am spending as much time as I can in prayer. If God doesn't move in all areas of my life, then things won't happen. I am trying to trust and rest and cry out to my Abba, my Father. That's all I know to do right now.
One of my online friends made me laugh last week. She said "You're only 30??? You're still a spring chicken! I thought you were much older, because you're so wise." Well that, my friends, is from God. I've been praying for wisdom and it's nice to know that He's giving me His wisdom. So of course, I had to ask her how old she was, and she's older than 30 but younger than 40...which is no dinosaur. You're only as old as you feel.
God gave me something this morning, although I can't quite put my finger on it. Joy, peace, motivation...despite everything that is going on in my life at the moment, He's given me peace. One of my coworkers noticed that I was happy today even. Oops. Hope that means I don't always appear to be a grouch.
Just when you think you've moved past something, something else happens to show you otherwise.
All I want is an apology. I wish this person would wake up and see the truth of the pain that has been caused. Your Word says I must forgive. I need some help here.....because I am too angry. This has to be about You. You are in control of my life. Not my emotions. You are in control of this situation, not me. I wish I had a good big fat fish handy, so I could slap this person upside the head with it and hopefully knock some sense into them. I'm struggling, God. Struggling like no other with this intense anger and the complete brazen attitude this person has about everything. It's not ok! Argh. You are in control, and you know what's best. How long, God, before the enemy is trampled beneath Your feet?
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~