So many trials, and so many blessings

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Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826
So many trials, and so many blessings

FEEL FREE TO POST ANY COMMENTS HERE IN MY JOURNAL. I DON'T MIND Smile

EDD: 4/22/07
5W 1D

Why is it then, that I'm not feeling too blessed?

Well, perhaps it's because this little one is my ex husband's baby. Because we've been divorced since late February. And it was a totally messy divorce. Cost me $17K and a lot of heartaches.

I was 7 mos pregnant with Caleb (who is 8 mos old as of this date) when my ex decided to have an affair with my then best friend. What kind of man does that to his wife? I left in October of 2005 and have been on my own ever since. And to somehow justify his affair, he began accusing me of having an affair with my then boss, saying that Caleb wasn't even his. It was my sheer joy to inform him that there was NO way Caleb wasn't his...my boss had a vascectomy 4 years ago. What an idiot. And God has a sense of humor, as Caleb looks exactly like his dad.

Maybe it was the Vicophrophen I was on July 29th, who knows. But I made the choice to have sex with my ex. And after all the miscarriages and TTC headaches, it only took once. And here I am, pregnant again.

This is baby #9, although I do have 5 angels. And 3 wonderful little boys who are the pride and joy of my life.

I am scared to death to have to tell my family, who will NOT be happy with this and who will in large part be so disappointed in me, that I'll probably be disowned as they all dislike my ex.

Not to mention, I have a high risk pregnancy to deal with all on my own. I already feel so abandoned. Two of my friends have walked out on me because of their disappointment in me. That hurt. Just when I need people the most, they're abandoning me.

And my new OB office called today and rescheduled my appointment for tomorrow. If I don't get on Prometrium soon, this baby will not make it.

Good thing I KNOW that God never has and never will abandon me. Because He is the only One I know I can depend on right now. Everyone keeps saying that this baby is a blessing. That God does everything for a reason. I just don't want to do this alone...

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

5W 2D

Well, my doctor's office finally did call late yesterday. They had to reschedule my appointment due to the doctor being in surgery today. This particular nurse didn't know about the high risk problems I've experienced in the past, so after I told her this list:

Type II Diabetic, Insulin Dependent
Luteal Phase Deficiency (Don't make enough progesterone to keep the pregnancy going)
1 Preterm Birth at 20 weeks
4 m/c
Pregnancy Induced Hypertension
Preeclampsia History
Incompetent Cervix

She then wondered why on earth I was being seen in their clinic and not the high risk clinic.

After about 15 minutes, she called me back and they rescheduled for 8/29 at 1:45 in the high risk obstetrical care.

A good friend of mine from here on pg.org called me last night, and was quite encouraging. You know who you are, and I just wanted to tell you thank you for being encouraging and boosting my spirits!

Yesterday would have marked my 10 year anniversary. Sad, isn't it?

Still trying to figure out how I should tell my family about all of this. This still terrifies me more than anything.

And I'm still not quite sure how to handle this pregnancy alone. I did it with Caleb, I should be able to do it with this little one. There are times when I'm at peace and then there are times where I absolutely panic.

Who knows? Maybe I'll finally get the little girl I've wanted for so many years. Being that I know 7 of the 8 pregnancies I've gone through have all been boys, I'm not holding out much hope here, but you never know.

I went to church last night (I go to Celebrate Recovery, as people can recover from many things, not just drugs or alcohol), and this college aged guy sat down next to me. He had been smoking pot or cigarettes or something, and I just about hurled from the smell. And I discovered I have a complete intolerance to anything sweet, chocolate included.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

5W 3D

I'm more than frustrated with my ex. Downright angry doesn't even cover it. He promised he would wire some money so I could buy groceries for the boys. Surprise, surprise, he didn't do it. So we got into an argument and he hung up on me. What a jerk. The man is never going to change.

And I can tell already that he's thinking one of two things. This baby either isn't his, or I purposely did this to trap him into having to pay more child support.

Talked to a few people from Celebrate Recovery last night, and as a result of this conversation I'm going back to counseling. It's going to take a massive amount of therapy to get through this. To learn to set boundaries with my ex. To find out what it is that keeps me coming back to him, even though he's put me and the boys through hell over the past year. Everyone keeps asking if we're going to reconcile, but I know without a doubt the answer to that is a resounding NO WAY.

Talked to the child support office in Kansas and they've sent an income withholding order to his new employer. His employer has until August 31st to either respond that he doesn't work for them or start paying out the $$. The extra $789/month right now would really help out.

I told my grandma about this little one. She sent me the following reply:

Rachael,

I AM NOT disappointed in you!! I love you. Just wish it hadn't happened but it did. It is your baby and we will love him or her just as much as we do your other three. My heart goes out to you. If anyone understands it is me. I'm glad to hear that you will not be taking the "creep" back. He doesn't deserve you. Just put your faith and trust in God - he already knows all about it anyway and he is a forgiving God and loves us unconditionally. A baby is precious and if God helps you to carry this one to full term he has great plans for you and the baby. Nothing in life is easy and it will be hard. Financially I can't help at this time but I can support you with our love and prayers. When will your baby be due? Love you MUCH.

Grandma

God bless her for that! Makes me love her all the more for being so supportive.

Which brings me back around to how to tell the family I'm dreading to tell. It was suggested that I have an action plan before I tell them because I will have to be strong in my resolve, for they're going to have plenty of advice for me.

Hunter climbed into bed with me last night. This morning I watched him for awhile as he slept, thinking about how stubborn and silly he is. And then I gave Caleb a bath, and couldn't help but laugh as he splashed happily in the tub. And I'm thankful so much for Chase, who never hesitates to remind me that he loves me with those sometime painful bear hugs. Oh, my grape sized little one, mommy does love you very much. I sure do love my little family, and can't help but thank God for His provision for us over the past year.

So now, it's on to trying to find someone to be my support person for the next 8 months, to help get me through this, as I know my ex just isn't going to be there as usual. Nothing changes, does it?

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

5W 4D
And, for your viewing pleasure, my first belly pic for this baby.

Made the decision yesterday that it is definitely time to go back to counseling. For whatever reason, I'm having difficulty letting go of my marriage. I do know that I don't love my ex, not one bit. And I have no desire to reconcile. And the overall feeling is that there isn't going to be another man out there who will love me and my kids, and won't want to deal with my headaches. It's not fair to make another man take care of my children or deal with my ex. In this regards, me getting pregnant is a good thing, as I'm about to deal with all those things I've tried to bury, like the anger at the situation and the way my ex keeps acting. Time to learn to set some definite boundaries in regards to my ex. Time to learn to take control again. Time to learn how not to react when my ex does.

I sat in church last night and for the first time since finding out I was pregnant and cried. And I couldn't stop. I must have been such a mess. But for the first time, after days of praying about all of this, I feel like God's finally listening and planning to answer. And this morning I woke up at 6 a.m. and I was thinking about this baby and felt suddenly like I was in the very presence of God, and He was hugging me for dear life.

And then, this morning, I got the most wonderful passage of scripture from a friend of mine. As though this is a promise God's giving me about this whole situation.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your GOD. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you. Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:10-13

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

5W 5D

Well, I wish something would change, but so far, no such luck. Still no signs of support from my ex. Still not surprised. Still haven't told my family yet.

I am, however, waiting on a call from my new OB to get rid of this painful UTI. I've been downing low sugar cranberry juice to help since I can't take anything until the doc gets me something.

I am tired today. I took a letter from my DC provider to the state office, so hopefully I'll be seeing an increase in food assistance shortly. We're running very low on food, so the extra help would be nice.

I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend without the kids, as the ex has them for the weekend. I hope I can catch up on sleep.

My oldest son was up at 1:30 last night, cleaning up the kitchen for me trying to surprise me. I'm a light sleeper, so he didn't get very far before I woke up, but he made me cry. I can't believe an 8 y/o would do something like this, just to help his mom out. I told him that he needed to go to bed, though, since he had school today. But I told the DC provider he could take a nap if he needs to.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

6W 1D

What a weekend it has been!

My OB's office finally helped me after I called twice and left messages and got no response. They told me to go to the ER for my UTI. However, since I don't have insurance yet, I'll be waiting until Tuesday when I see the OB. I've been downing a ton of cranberry juice and thus am not experiencing any symptoms, so hopefully the juice did the trick. We'll see tomorrow.

My ex didn't show up at 7:30 as usual on Friday to see the boys. He showed up at 4:58 on Saturday. I was packing up the boys to head to church and he shows up. I told him he'd have to pack the boys a bag and to make sure he locked up the house.

I got home at 10 p.m. and he was still AT MY HOUSE. Saying he didn't get a paycheck this week because the payroll department screwed up their paychecks. So the boys pretty much stayed at my house the entire weekend and he slept out in his truck. I really did not enjoy this weekend, having to spend so much time with him. What it was that stopped me from telling him sorry, you're broke, I'm not going to support you since you don't support your kids and I'm already struggling to support them...I don't know. Sigh. And he makes it even harder when he calls and tells me that he still loves me and he wants to work things out. How? I ask him. You drive a truck over the road and it would take a massive amount of counseling. So reconciliation isn't possible.

I have to liken my lack of being bold and standing up to him on one thing. I've heard that women who are in abusive relationships, even though they know what's going on in their relationship isn't good for them or for their kids, they can't leave or seem to stay away. I have to wonder if that's what's going on with me. I know he's a destructive influence on my life and the life of my children. He's not healthy for me. Yet I keep allowing him to run me over. And over. And over. I hope I'm able to gain confidence to tell him how it is and soon, because after this past weekend, I have quite a hatred for myself for being so weak.

I talked to my aunt for quite awhile, and asked her to pray because I am having a huge problem with letting go of my marriage. She suggested that when he shows up to pick up the boys and leaves that she will come over and stand with me so I don't fall. I like that suggestion. It keeps me from being weak and it keeps me accountable.

While talking to her, I found out she had a baby before she met my uncle. And her mom treated her horribly. She eventually gave the baby up for adoption, but it was nice to know that I have another cousin that I didn't know about. I asked her if she regretted her decision and she said no, because she knew her little girl was with a great family who could take care of her. I think God knew I needed for me to hear what she went through, just so I could know that I would have her empathy and not disdain. So out of the three people I have left to tell about this baby, I think she will be the first one I tell.

Oh, and, I got a lovely call from my ex and he tells me to stop bashing him to the kids. Every time he says he's going to be here on time, I say "Yeah, right." Being that the last 3 weekends he's had them, he hasn't been on time and has been very late. I told him it's not bashing him to the boys. It's keeping them in reality. They are the ones that suffer when he promises to be here on time to pick them up. And then he says he took Monday off to spend extra time with them since he was late. And I told him sorry, that wouldn't be happening because he doesn't get extra time just because he can't be here on time. He knows when he's supposed to see them in advance. If he can't make it here on time, it's his problem. How many times can his supposedly brand new semi truck break down, anyway?

And then he tells me that he's rented a cabin to take the boys camping next weekend. And would I like to go along? Is he JOKING? I told him that it wouldn't be a good idea...

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

6W 2D

My ex totally shocked me yesterday. He called around lunch and asked me to keep an eye on Hurricane Ernesto b/c the trucking company is sending him to Florida. I told him to be careful and he said he would, since he has FOUR kids and a bratty ex wife to take care of. :shock: Of course, he told me he was just joking about the bratty part.

After he talked to the boys yesterday he wanted to talk to me again. Asking how I'm doing, telling me I need to eat even though I'm feeling very sick.

He can't make anything easy, can he? I need to let go of my marriage and the destructive influence he has on my life.

I told my celebrate recovery group I was expecting. And I finally gathered up enough courage to write my Aunt a letter. She read it last night, and all she said to me this morning was "Have a good day, Ma'am." I asked her if she read the letter and she said, "Yep." So I said "Ok." And I left to get to work.

I have a WIC appointment (I hate that these people try to act like your doc) at 11 today and then a peri appointment at 1:45 today. Which reminds me, I'd better get some directions.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

7W 3D

NEW EDD: 4/15/07

I know, I jumped a week gestation overnight. This is because my doc changed my EDD. I had a rather boring first peri appointment, which is good when you're high risk. I weigh 186, my blood pressure was great at 122/77. They did a pap and the usual blood tests. I had her test me for more than the usual STD's, just in case. And I have a yeast infection and an UTI. How fun. More medicine. She took me off the metformin and we're upping my insulin. Despite that the docs are telling me not to self adjust my insulin, I will be anyway because I've been a diabetic for five years and I know what works. And I'm not going to run high blood sugars waiting on a doc to tell me what I need to do with my insulin.

They didn't do an u/s, which surprised me. But I go back September 25th for an u/s and another appointment, and then they'll schedule me for my cerclage at 14 weeks. Which makes me nervous b/c I've always gotten them around 12 or 13 weeks b/c by 11 weeks I'm already feeling a ton of pressure. I also get to do yet another fun 24 hour urine test. I hate those things. And I got 5 vials of blood drawn and I'll get another five when I go back. I hate getting stuck with those huge needles. Other than that, it was a good appointment and nothing exciting to report.

I got home last night and discovered my house was broken into. Amazingly, nothing was taken, but the screen and the window was busted out in my boys' bedroom. All the more reason for me to get out of there. I called the PD and they came out and filed a report. My landlord didn't seem to care much. If I can, I'll be moving this week because I don't want to loose the little stuff I do have to a thief.

Life as a single mom does tend to suck at times.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

7W 4D

I don't know how I'm going to make it until September 25th for an ultrasound. I'm accustomed to having them early on and it's a huge sigh of relief. I'll be 11 weeks along then. I've never had an u/s so late in my pregnancy for a first one. Oh well. I'm just going to have to trust that God knows what he's doing.

My blood sugars are completely crazy right now. They should be running 90 or less in the mornings and below 120 2 hours after I eat. They're running 170-190 in the morning and 150-170 after I eat. I know this is because I got off the glucophage, which helps decrease my insulin resistance. But high blood sugars aren't a good thing. So I'm readjusting like crazy, trying to get my body to work right for this little one. I think I may request a visit with the nutritionist so I can get a refresher course on diet, etc.

I brought all three of the boys with me to work yesterday morning since my Great Aunt Al is in the hospital and had to get part of her intestine removed (she's getting up there in years). So my aunt went up to visit her. Boy, was that a huge mistake I won't be making again. It was difficult to get much of anything done with all three of them with me. She called at 10 a.m. and said she was home, so we headed over there. My floor was littered with cheese crackers and paper. Oh well, job security for the cleaning crew I guess.

So far the intruder hasn't been back. I am just praying my heart out that God will get me moved this weekend and that He'll provide the $500 extra dollars I'm going to need to move. Thankfully, the guys in my Sunday School class (we call it a FLOCK) have volunteered to move me.

I felt the first tiny little flutters yesterday. Doesn't make me any less nervous that this baby is going to make it, but gave me some reassurance since my body seems to be adjusting to the symptoms of being pregnant and they're not hitting me as hard as they were even 2 weeks ago.

The ex thinks he's going to be here on time. Being that he was still in Florida yesterday I highly doubt it. We got home from church yesterday and neither one of the boys really wanted to talk to him last night. That surprised me. My oldest even said this morning that it was only 1 more day until his dad got here, but he doubted that his dad would make it on time. So at least I've got him in reality now on that.

My two older boys decided to stay up until Midnight last night, which has made me decide that they need to get into a bedtime routine AND start sleeping in their room at night instead of sleeping in the living room and watching TV. And I'm trying the CIO method with Caleb, but it doesn't seem to be working well, especially since my two older boys keep coming in and telling me he's crying, or going in the room to comfort him.

Hopefully, things will do a turn around soon. I'm just worried that Mr. Intruder will come back at some point, so I'm not sleeping well.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

7W 5D

Do you ever just wonder when the hell the world is going to cave in on you?

My day was yesterday. Got a speeding ticket on the way home. Don't speed in the state of Oklahoma. The ticket will cost you at the very least $162. Couldn't tell the officer that I was trying to hurry and get to a gas station b/c my blood sugar was crashing and I didn't want to pass out.

Then I pick up the kids, who are acting completely horrible at Wal-Mart, where we've gone so I can pick up my prescriptions. And I learn two things. My doc in Kansas called in one prescription, so for my medical card to cover it, I've got to get my doc here in Oklahoma to switch the script into her name. And then I find out that my caseworker conveniently has forgotten to include prescription coverage for my medical card.

And the state won't cover my Aunt watching the boys, since she's not licensed. So I chuch out $975/month in daycare for my 3 kids, which kills me financially and I have no money left over at all at the end of the month. As it stands now, I get a whopping $50/month in food stamps. And this worker is biding his time and being slower than snot getting my food stamps increased so we can eat. I barely have any food in my house. And I'm supposed to get the $50 on my card TODAY but not even that amount was on there.

And my ex still isn't paying child support, the jerk. That extra $800/month would really help right now. And I'm sick of him showing up really late to pick the boys up on his weekends. So I told him show up on time, or don't come see the boys. He knows ahead of time when he's supposed to see them, but doesn't show up until sometimes 24 hours later. This isn't fair to the boys, and it isn't fair to me. Of course, he tells me that I wanted visitation this way, so he doesn't need to help support them. This was up to the judge, and I shouldn't have to pay for 100% of their support. I'm really getting pissed. Of course, my 8 y/o is mad at me b/c he might not get to see his dad.

And my house was broken into Tuesday afternoon. Nothing was taken, but I haven't slept well since then, worried that the person will show back up. And the apartment complex I applied at keeps telling me that they've been trying to get ahold of my landlord and can't reach her. So I called and left her a message asking them to please call them so I can move. She leaves me a message at 11 pm last night telling me she doesn't need the attitude and that they haven't called her. You'd be witchy too if you weren't sleeping well b/c you're worried for your kids! So I called the apartment complex back and told them that either way, I have to have an answer today so I know who I'm paying.

Somebody shoot me now and put me out of my misery! :cry:

I talked to the doc's office this morning about getting an insulin pump. So they're starting the paperwork. I guess there's at least one good thing out of all this mess!

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

8W 1D

Why is it that my weekends are so darn eventful? They should be quiet and serene, especially on the weekends without my boys.

I talked to my doc's office again Friday afternoon. The mess with my scripts has been worked out finally. So I have my prometrium and my macrobid (for the UTI). And I'm feeling MUCH better now, thank you very much. My doc's office reported that all the tests for STD's came back negative. However, color me shocked again. What is up with this doctor of mine? She didn't run any HcG levels or progesterone levels, standard in pregnancy cases. I just don't get why she didn't do that? It's pretty much standard. It's like she's treating me as though I'm not high risk. Hmmm...I'll have to ask her about that when I go back to her office at the end of September.

I wasn't able to get approved for this apartment complex that I really loved, at least not w/out a cosigner. Divorce sucks when you have an incompetent ex spouse who can't pay the bills like he should. Because they can find me and not him, I have to pay for it. AND support 3 little boys to boot.

Talked to the court clerk's office and found out that the Income Withholding Order on my ex's check is still sitting on the judge's desk waiting to be signed. And it will be at least another 60 days before I see any money.

My caseworker still hasn't gotten me more foodstamps yet. The state of Oklahoma sucks when it comes to actually helping the people that need it like me.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I went in for an ultrasound, and that I was at my old peri's office in Kansas. There was a fill in peri there that I really didn't like. But I dreamed that the u/s tech was telling me that I'd have to follow whatever this mean peri said I'd have to do. I just rolled my eyes. But during the u/s, as clear as day, were two babies :shock: and it was as clear as day that they were in the same amniotic sac. And their hb's were in the 170's. Talk about your weird dream. Guess I'm just worried that I might be carrying around twins. I'll go for the girl...but twins? Well, it would be my luck.

My great Aunt Al passed away Friday evening. I only met her a few times, and the only silly thing I recall is that she always gave you Christmas presents in cereal boxes. Even my graduation present-Walmart Gift Cards-arrived in a cereal box. But at least I know that she's going to heaven. Her funeral is tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. Going to a funeral with 3 little boys should be interesting to say the least.

Saturday evening I went to church as usual. Afterwards, the singles group went out to Fish City Grille. I hate anything to do with seafood. So I had blackened chicken. Although they talked me into trying some calamari. I'm glad they didn't tell me what it was when I ate it. I would have :puke: After church I went out and played pool with a great male friend of mine. He's getting transferred to the Azor islands in October, so we didn't start any sort of a relationship. But he took me out for pecan pancakes at IHOP. A gal couldn't ask for more. He's such a gentleman too. Opens the doors for me and everything. If God ever brings me a husband, I hope it's someone like him.

I think as a result of this, I was so tired that I slept ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT on Sunday. I managed to stay awake for an hour and fold some laundry, but I took some of my meds, and a short while later, I was dizzy and had to go to sleep. And I didn't wake up until 8:30 this morning.

Tune in tomorrrow for the saga of how my ex lost his job today....(and now I'm going to have to wait even LONGER for child support).

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

8W 2D

Ok, so yesterday my ex pushed me to the point of breaking. He tells me that he's that he's taken the boys to MacArthur Lake. Having a really bad feeling about things (being that he's already allowed the ex girlfriend to be around the kids and it's in our divorce paperwork that she isn't allowed around them PERIOD since she's been charged with child abuse), and my ex refuses to give me directions to where he is...well, this bad feeling just would not go away.

So I jumped on the internet to find out where this lake was. No lake with that name in Oklahoma nor in any surrounding states. So I called and left a message on his cell.

In the meantime, I called his work. Because he's been telling me that since he's an owner/operator of a semi, that it's fine that the kids travel with him on the truck. After talking to his boss, I found out that only children ages 12 and older can be on a semi legally. And my kids are 8, 3 and 9 mos. So then they ask me if I can please go pick up the boys because he's actually at Kaw Lake in Ponca City. Which is where the ex girlfriend's family lives. And they tell me he's going to get fired.

So off I go to Ponca City which is a 2 hour drive. I asked his work not to tell him I called b/c I knew he would be mad at me. So they decide to tell him someone else called in and saw the kids in the semi with him and that they called me to come get the kids.

Well finally he calls me back. Chewing me out b/c I called his work. I told him if he wanted to be mad at someone, he needed to be mad at the people he works with. So he calls them and they tell him I didn't call and that they called me. So then he's apologetic all over the place. And he tells me that he'll get the boys home at 7:30 as he's supposed to. He'll rent a car. I AM NOT going to come to pick them up b/c he is spending time with them while he can. At this point, I was about to Ponca City, but I turned around anyway and wasted a half a tank of gas.

So, while I'm at the funeral home visiting my Aunt Al with family, he calls me like ten times. I called him back and told him that he needs to realize I do have a life and can't sit by the phone 24/7. So then he tells me that he can't find a car to rent since it's a holiday, so if he gives me gas money, can I please come pick the kids up? I told him no, that he was going to have to figure out a way to get them home on time. He has family and friends nearby, so he needed to call one of them.

And it's my ex sister in law who is bipolar and whom I don't like much who happens to bring him and the boys home. I arranged for my aunt to go with me and we plan to meet them at McDonald's around 11 at night.

In the meantime, I decided to clean out my van. When I went to vacuum it out, a homeless man approached me and asked me if he could vacuum it for me to earn some money to eat dinner. So I just told him I'd give him a few bucks and do it myself. Thinking that I just seriously needed to get rid of him for my own safety, being that it was around 9:30 at night by this time.

So I went to pick my aunt up and we waited until 11 at McDonald's. The kids showed up and they were all tired. We got home and I put the older two to bed, after a nice argument with my 8 y/0, who tells me how Caleb has gotten a bump on his head (he fell off a dock at the lake) and informs me that I am NOT taking him away from his dad. And then I discover Caleb has a nasty sunburn. What common sense does it take for a man to use sunscreen on a nine month old?? To say I'm pissed would be an understatement of the century.

I ended up telling my oldest son that it is time he butts out where things don't concern him. I am his mom, and he doesn't have a choice right now, like it or not. I have never told him that I would take him away from his dad. Never. And I'm sick of the b/s my ex keeps telling him. He's going to be the child I have to send to live with his dad to see what a jerk this man really is.

So, needless to say, I didn't get much sleep last night. My poor baby. His dad owes me an explanation, that is for sure.

I included pictures just so I could show you this bump and burn.

The bump

The burn

And the window after break-in

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

8W 3D

Yesterday was my Great Aunt Al's funeral. She looked so peaceful. It was obvious that she is home with the Lord. My oldest son had a million questions, so my aunt did her best to help him answer them. Hunter was quite tired and laid on the fake grass carpet and about went to sleep. Caleb sat at my feet, just grinning and waving to everyone and being cute.

And then I noticed he had a scab on the back of his ear. Except that it wasn't a scab. It was a tick. I can't believe the ex didn't notice that! My cousin Wyatt had some tweezers and it took quite a few people to gather around and watch to get it out. Poor baby. First a sunburn, then a bump and now this.

So when I talk to my ex about all of this, he's complaining that he's sick and he has a sunburn. I told him, awww, poor baby. You're an idiot and I cannot believe you didn't put sunscreen on a baby. How incompetent can the man be? And then my oldest is telling everyone at the funeral yesterday that when Caleb got the bump on his head, he passed out. I can't believe his dad didn't take him to a hospital!!! :shock: I'm getting angrier by the day that this man can call himself a father.

Chase tells me he's a daddy's boy. I say ok, that's fine. But then he says that means he's going to live with his dad later. That was it for me. I told him that not everything his dad tells him is the truth. And that like it or not, I'm his mom. It isn't my job to be his friend. It's my job to make sure he is happy, healthy, loved and safe. And that he will not be allowed to talk about his dad while he's at my house. I've had it up to here and then some with the ex jading my child. I'm about ready to send him to live with his dad just so he can see that he's not all fun and games.

We did our first night of cry-it-out with Caleb last night. He's 9 months old today and still not sleeping through the night. It took about an hour when he woke up, but he finally went back to sleep. And he woke up this morning just grinning at me. He's standing here next to my chair just grinning at me. He has a top tooth coming in too.

Another day that even despite the struggles as a single mom, I'm so thankful for my blessings I have in my little guys. Thanks again, God!

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

8W 4D

I guess that life as a single mom isn't meant to be easy.

But God, I sure wouldn't mind Mr. Who You Have for Me would come along soon.

I'm tired. I am so tired. So tired of the fight. What I want to do is throw in the towel, send my oldest to live with his father and crawl in a hole and hide.

My oldest son and I have been battling a lot lately. And yesterday it came to a head again. We're on the way home from church last night, and Chase is talking to his dad. Who hasn't lost his job, by the way. Who tells Chase that he'll be here at 6 on Friday. (I know better than that.) So I tell Chase he'll see his dad at 7:30 on Friday. Which starts this whole tirade of how I don't respect him at all. And how it's not fair that he has to live with me all the time. He's going to live with his dad, he says. And why can't he see his dad until 7:30? I told him we'd talk about it later, after he was off the phone with his dad.

So on the way home, we're discussing this. By the time we get near the house, I'm having to seriously control my anger. When your 8 y/o tells you that his dad tried to give you money, but you wouldn't take it, so you shouldn't say anything about not having money to do things...I about lost it. I had to tell him that I am the parent and he is the child (which is never a good thing to have to tell your kids, BTW). That he does not tell me what to do. I tell him what to do.

So we went to my Aunt's house. I had to ask for help. So we had him look up the meaning of the word respect. And all he said was, "SO? THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING." And then he made a flippant remark to me and my aunt just went off on him. Told him that he will NOT talk to me the way he's talking to me. Told him that like it or not, I am his mom and he will listen to me. He just stood there and GLARED. And she asked him to repeat what she'd just told him. And he couldn't do it, which told her he wasn't listening. I had to go fix Caleb a bottle about this time, and when I came back in, they were hugging and she was telling him that he needs to be a kid. And stop trying to put himself in the middle of all of this. And that she's so sorry he's been told things he never should have been. But that he doesn't know the whole story, and that he's too young to even understand the reasons why he can't have it the way he wants. And that he needs to trust the adults in his life, especially his mom, to make decisions for him because they know what's best for him. And he doesn't need to worry about why mommy and daddy got divorced. And that he needs to let go of all of this and let God start healing his heart.

So I walked over and gave him a hug and told him I love him. And that again, the divorce wasn't his fault. He really wanted to know why we got a divorce. He told me his dad told him it was b/c I had an affair with my boss. (Which never EVER happened. EWWW.) And I told him that when he was 18 and out on his own, if he really wanted to know, I would tell him then. But for now, he doesn't need to know the reason other than daddy made a bad choice for mommy, and for him and for his brothers. And I pulled out the court paperwork to show him exactly when he gets to see his dad. And he tells me he hates the courts. And I told him that the courts have heard both sides of the story, and this is the very best thing for him and his brothers. But ultimately, that God has control over the courts and that God made this decision for him. And that even when we don't understand why God does certain things in our lives, He does them because He loves us and only wants the very best thing for us. And I told him that until he's ready to let go of the hurt and pain he feels inside and let God start to heal his heart, he wasn't going to feel better. I told him I had to do that when my parents divorced, and that their divorce no longer hurts my heart any more, because if they hadn't gotten divorced, I would have missed out on getting to know more family from his Nana. And that God made me truly see what happened during their divorce. But that He allowed me to see what happened when He knew I was ready to see all the reasons why.

I am so tired of my ex. I finally called my counselor last night to set up a first appointment, and to find a therapist for my son. He actually wants to go see a counselor now.

I don't barely have time to think about this baby right now, being that there's so much drama going on. I should write a book on my life. Or at least sell the story line to a soap opera or something.

But the good of it all...I was watching Hunter sleep last night, and he was smiling in his sleep. God, thank you that he can smile in his sleep and dream happily...

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

8W 5D

Another new picture of the baby belly

Yesterday was downright DEPRESSING. I talked to the counselor I wanted to go see, but then found out he costs booku $$$. I can't afford to spend a dime right now. I was really upset.

I had a day of intestinal trouble. Which has to be why my blood sugars were so out of whack yesterday. My fastings are working their way down as we add more insulin, so hopefully it wont' be long before they're where they should be.

My oldest son refused to do his homework, so he didn't get to talk to his dad. He officially hates me now. I got the worst mother of the year award yesterday. And he got mad at me too b/c I made him rewrite his spelling words since they were written so sloppily that I couldn't read his words. Then he tells me I'm as mean as his last teacher.

The ex called and wanted to know why I'm so angry with him all the sudden. I told him that I wasn't happy about the sunburn or the bump (and the fact that he didn't tell me about it and I had to hear it from the 8 y/o) and the fact that he had a tick and he didn't notice. And I told him Caleb wouldn't be going camping again. He tried to tell me Caleb got the sunburn in 10 minutes on a cloudy day. Do I look stupid? There's no way.

He tells me he didn't loose his job, so that's good news. B/C I got the paperwork from the state of Kansas that they've sent the IWO to his current employer. That extra money will really help.

Apparantly there was a murder nearby where I work last night. So we've locked the doors today to be on the safe side. *Shudder*

Yesterday around lunch time my blood sugar crashed. And I actually fell asleep at work b/c it made me that tired.

I think this Macrobid I'm taking for my UTI is making me dizzy and then drowsy to the point that I seriously need to sleep. Good thing I only have one pill left to take. Being this tired sure is making the phones sound funny. Weird, huh?

Going to church with my Aunt tonight to help her get the music set up for Sunday and to work on a bulletin board. Plus, it gives me a safe place to exchange the kids with the ex. So I don't have to worry about weakness there.

The ex told me last night that he'd give me money to help cover half of the payday loan I had to take out to pay my rent. We'll see. I hope, for the boys' sake, he gets here on time for once.

Other than that, it will be a weekend of picking up the house. I like to pick it back up when the boys are gone b/c it's so nice for it to stay clean for 5 minutes.

Caleb woke up around 5:30 this morning. So I put him in bed with me. He sat there and kept trying to put his fingers in my mouth. And then did the da da ba ba babble for awhile. And laid there and giggled. He made me smile. Finally I made him a very small bottle and put him back to bed. He's such a ham, but I love his tiny smiles and silliness.

Just over two weeks to go until I see if this baby has made it. It's going to be a very long wait. I'm thinking Luke Isaiah for a boy and Katelynn Suzanne for a girl.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

9W 1D

Well, for once it was an uneventful weekend, sort of. My oldest child and I butted heads yet again. And he officially hates me now.

My ex surprised me and gave me money, which blew me out of the water. But every little bit helps, kwim?

My friend Lee is getting transferred to the Azor Islands in a month. I met him through Eharmony. I'm really going to miss him. Rare is it that you find a man so grounded in Christ that opens doors for you and pays for dinner every single time. I was a little bit straitforward and told him that were it not for the fact that he's leaving, I'd definitely be wishing that we could have started a relationship. He patted my leg, thinking I had jeans on, but it was shorts...so it smarted a bit. But you know, I'm really going to miss this guy. He's treated me with such kindness and tenderness even as a friend. Although I was a bit embarrased to tell him how I feel, as I'm not usually that forward with men. I'm just going to have to trust that God is taking us down different paths for a reason.

I can't believe I'm already over the 9 week mark, and *knock on wood* I haven't experienced any bleeding. This is so rare.

I planned to clean my house again this weekend, but the exhaustion overwhelmed me and I did more sleeping than cleaning. Oh well, maybe I'll get it done some time this week.

I'm tired again today. Fell asleep for about 20 minutes at work again today. I'm really fighting exhaustion for some reason. I've been tired while pg before, but not THIS tired. I wonder what's up. I know it's not anemia, as I have plenty of iron in my blood (thanks to the WIC test).

Hopefully I'll hear back from the diabetic doc today. I still haven't heard from her since faxing her my numbers and I know my insulin needs to be changed.

Two weeks as of today, and I'll finally get to see this little one! Woo whoo!

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

9W 2D

Wow, it's late in the day for me to be updating, but here goes:

My oldest was playing kickball yesterday and fell on his thumb. And the thing swelled up big time. But my guess is either a sprain or a jammed thumb, as he's not in the I'M.GOING.TO.DIE type of pain. So ice and motrin for him.

And my youngest started running a fever yesterday of 101.6. Gave him motrin. He barely took a nap yesterday, and wouldn't get happy until I sat him on the living room floor last night to chew on a plastic clothes hanger. And he didn't go to bed until 10 p.m. last night. But he did sleep through the night and woke up at 7 a.m. I gave him a bottle, and brought him to bed with me. And he was laying on me, trying to play, but then he'd just lay his poor little head down on my arm every so often, so I could tell he wasn't feeling too good. Yep. Fever still there. 101.7. More motrin and then off to the babysitter's to have fun for the day so I could go to work.

I was sitting at my desk working yesterday. Now mind you, I was very tired. So tired that I actually fell asleep at my desk at work for about 20 minutes around 11:30 (yes, again). I'd just got back from eating lunch, and I didn't hear anyone come in my office. Which is why when I felt someone nudge my right arm and then start licking my arm, I couldn't figure out why the heck my boss would do that.

When I looked down, there was this beautiful, golden lab. That didn't have on a collar. So I was trying to figure out how the heck such a cute, loving dog got in the office. So I'm yelling for my boss, who then intros me to Gartha (Garth Brook's Sister, she says) the dog, who belongs to the owner's son.

And she keeps coming back into my office and actually followed me to the bathroom and waited outside of the door for me to come out. And this isn't even my dog!!!

But that, my friends, was pretty much my day yesterday. I'm tired from just reading about the drama. So, stay tuned for my exciting day from today!!!

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

9W 3D

Boy, did I ever hit the jackpot here on pregnancy.org and the 5th Anniversary Celebration! If you're not joining in, BTW, you're missing out. I won a free shirt from MommyLove/SayBump and then a kit from Bellalinni Cosmetics. All for joining in on chats. I had a great day yesterday! Smile

My son's thumb/hand is turning lovely shades of black and blue. So I bought a finger splint for it and he's kept it on and he magically is feeling a lot better.

Caleb (my 9 m/o) was cranky all night long. And he was running a fever of 100 this morning. So I gave him more motrin. It was so difficult not to want to stay home with him today and just cuddle up with him. He was crying so pitifully, the poor little one. I couldn't barely put him down this morning.

Hunter, my 3 y/o gave me a kiss on the head while I was leaning over to tie his shoes. That was so sweet, I gave him the biggest hug and told him thank you. It's the little things like this that remind me why I love being a mom.

I've started feeling some pressure and mild cramping. That's good, it just means the baby is growing, but that I'm going to need that cerclage sooner rather than later.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

9W 4D

I should be working on getting some advertising done, but I'm just too tired.

Caleb was still running a low grade fever last night, so I gave him more motrin and he cuddled up against me and went to sleep. Those are the days I love being a mom. I just wanted to sit there and hold him forever. He woke up once last night to eat. He's so thrilled when I walk in his room with a bottle.

I had two little boys in my full sized bed last night; therefore, I did not get much sleep. My 3 y/o and 8 y/o kept moving around and kicking.

Almost went to the ER. The cervical pressure and mild cramping were starting to hurt. When you have IC, it's not a good thing to experience either symptom. After time laying down, things settled down.

I have a call into my peri's office to let them know what's going on. And I left a message with the diabetic nurse b/c my blood sugars are back in the 250's in the morning and running in the 170-270 range after I eat. And I'm already pushing a lot of insulin as it is. And I'm getting very dizzy which in turn, is making me very tired.

My son's thumb is looking better. I'm so proud of him today. He had to memorize the beginning of the Declaration of Independence and he was able to recite it word-for-word to me this morning. I'm so proud Smile

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

9W 5D

Lee IM'd last night and said his mom is going to be in town for a week, and asked me if I'd like to meet her. So I said ok, but this leaves me to wonder...don't you usually meet parents if the relationship is serious? I don't know what to think. Guess we'll see later.

It was an incredibly busy day at work. I'm even working this weekend from home. How I wanted to spend my weekend. I think I'll turn into a mean slave driver and me and the kids are going to clean this house from top to bottom.

I'm sad today for my friend Dusti. She's been in the hospital for a week because her water broke early and she has none left. Oligohydramnios may take her son's life. We're praying for even a tiny pocket of fluid to appear just so they can do an amnio infusion. She's 25 weeks now and doing ok, but Sacarii is not. But out of this, we've formed a wonderful friendship. So there's one thing to be thankful for. So if you read this and believe in the power of prayer, pray for this baby. Pray that God will do what seems to be impossible and save her son's life. Pray for that pocket of fluid to be found, and soon. My heart is so saddened for her.

I ended up with my 3 y/o in bed with me again last night. And he stubbed his toe before he went to bed last night and he woke up and was screaming that it hurt. He's not quiet about much of anything. So after some hydrogen peroxide and a bandaid, he FINALLY went back to sleep. But then Caleb woke up. He's certainly got mama down...he yells that until I get up and take care of him. Chase's thumb is doing much better and he's no longer wearing the finger splint. Caleb's fever has finally gone away and he looks like he's feeling much better.

Well, hopefully I'll get to go to bed soon. After two nights of no sleep, I could really use some.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

10W 1D

A new, lovely picture for your laughing pleasure

Ok, now if you're done :rofl:, time to move on Smile

Ok, well, I have HAD IT with my 8 y/o, who yesterday told me I'm lazy and that again, he's going to live with his dad. I said fine, since you seem to know better than all the adults in your life what is best for you, I'm granting your wish. I'll call your dad and tell him that he has to quit his job and you're going to live with him full time, which means you won't see or talk to me again. Period. And no, your brothers aren't going with you. It will just be you.

So what does he do? He gets on the phone and lies to his dad. Tells his dad I have to have a break from him and that he's going to live with his dad. I need a break? No, I need my son to learn what respect is for a parent. He still thinks his dad's house is Disneyland b/c dad has all this money to take him places.

I'm sorry if I sound like a bad parent, but I'm seriously fed up with my 8 y/o telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing in regards to everything from his care, to housework, to even child support! I told him last night that I will always love him, but I really hate what he's been doing lately. And of course I got the "You hate me!" Statement. No, I don't hate you. I love you. I hate what you keep doing and saying. I am a person, after all, and I have feelings. This is a time when I'm not happy to be a mom, not at all. I'm about ready to pitch my child into the unknown. I'm getting that frustrated with his actions and attitudes. And I'm really sick of getting the blame for everything. I'm just flat out DONE.

So of course, me and God had a nice long talk last night. I am just so TIRED. Emotionally, physically, financially, all of it. TIRED. And I feel so alone, like there isn't a person in this entire world who really cares about me or my young family. Even my parents don't care enough to call to see how we're doing. These are the same parents who were so supportive during my divorce, but now that I'm not doing it entirely their way, it's like they don't care or love me any more. I know, major pity party. I'm getting all teary eyed just writing all of this down again. I cried and cried last night until I was too tired to stay awake. I'm getting a glimpse I guess of how Christ had to feel on the Cross when He asked God "Why have You forsaken me?" Sigh.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

10W 2D

Well, the new insulin regimen to get my fasting blood sugars down isn't working. In fact, they've gone up...I don't understand that. I'm hoping the visit with the nutritionist helps change things. I've gone from 140's to 170's the past few days.

Not much has changed with my oldest son, Chase, except for the fact that I've asked my CR group to pray for my sanity and for the right Christian counselor. I love the little guy but am still frustrated with his actions and attitude.

Well, I think I'm going to have to kiss my regular pants goodbye. They're too tight to button anymore.

Thanks to my friend Amanda I'm going to get to spend time with Lee on Thursday. But get this, he invited me over to his house to play board games with his ex mother in law and his mom. So I'm going over there in my PJ's. That's going to be fun LOL.

Ahh...well, off to another fun day of work!

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

10W 3D

Not a whole lot of new stuff. Just some major drama going on again with my next door neighbor's son. His mom is now completely crazy. He stayed the night at my house and this morning, I sent him home to get clothes and get ready for school. Of course, he never got on the bus and I later saw him playing out in the street after he thought we were gone. So I called his dad this morning and told him to get over there and help his son (he's 12), because I didn't want to have to call CPS if I didn't have to. So hopefully he made it to school and his dad got over there to help.

My grandma emailed. She and my grandpa are going to be in town tomorrow, so it will be nice to go out to lunch together.

Tomorrow's the big date, I can't wait!!!

Joined: 09/21/05
Posts: 5
Hi!

Hi,

I have read your journal and want you to know that I am very proud of you! You are a strong woman, hang in there! Your oldest will come around! Let me know if you need another shoulder to lean on!

Kerry Akers

6 year old son Ethan
3 month old daughter Emma
3 losses

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

10W 5D
Sorry I didn't get to update yesterday...it was a busy day at work and I spent my afternoon visiting with a nutritionist so I can see if that will help get my blood sugars back under control.

So, I have a new meal plan, and I'm learning to count carbs b/c I need to know how to do this for my insulin pump. And here's the sad part. I started out this pregnancy at 180 (that's down from 265 in 2003!) and at my first appointment on 8/25 I was 186. Got weighed yesterday and I'm 2 0 4!!! :shock: That's a whopping 24 lbs weight gain already! But, we figured it's from my blood sugars being so out of whack--either too high or too low (which causes a defense mechanism in my body to eat and eat and eat until I feel better). And, I'm swelling horribly already. And I can't exercise until after my first trimester is over and done with (I have IC, and feeling a lot of pressure already and I had a placental tear during a prior pregnancy that happened simply b/c I sneezed!)

So, hopefully with this new diet I won't be seeing any more weight gain b/c I am now officially a whale. :cry:

And the PJ date with Lee went wonderful!

Amanda went with me to Walmart and I bought new PJ's...purple ones that say "Hug a Tree" Lee's mom even complimented me on them.

We played Rummikub, SkipBo and Sequence. That incredibly took us from 8 till midnight.

And I met his kids. His son was a HUGE flirt LOL and told his dad to make sure he hugged me goodbye.

Nothing much really happened....we pigged out on junk food and I hugged his mom and his ex MIL goodbye, told them I was happy to meet them. And I was about to walk out the door, but then his mom said, 'aren't you going to hug Lee goodbye too?" So I waited, he walked me out to the car, and gave me the world's biggest hug. Sorry, no kiss...

But after this, I'm even more sad that he's leaving. His family is wonderful. I got all wrapped up in that hug and it felt like it's where I was supposed to be, like I'm safe there in his arms. And I feel like I'm watching my soul's mate leave.....I don't wanna say goodbye!

My ex called Wednesday evening and he finally got fired for having the kids in his semi with him. So he's stuck in Michigan. And of course, is going to be late picking up the boys again. And this really sucks b/c I was really needing that child support. Oh well.

The ex is coming to the appointment I have on Monday since I have an ultrasound. That should be an interesting story to tell.

So, that culminates my week, I hope everyone is able to have a relaxing weekend!

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Shortly after posting my last journal entry, I went to the bathroom to discover that I was bleeding brown sort of clottish. Being that my symptoms haven't felt as strong lately and my blood sugars have been crashing horribly today, I should have known right away what was going on. I cried all the way to the ER b/c I knew what was going to happen.

Sure enough, 3 u/s and an HCG of 1385....and no h/b. Measuring around 7 weeks. There's no way I'm anywhere near 7 weeks. I should be around 11. The doc just walks in and says....well, there's no h/b which means the pregnancy is abnormal. So I asked him to get me in for a D&C right away. And then tries to tell me that my HCG is normal for this stage of pregnancy (it should be over 25,000) and that they're not going to do a D&C b/c they don't want to terminate a viable pregnancy. Hello? I didn't realize that I'm stupid and I haven't been through this same scenario 3 times prior.

Thus far, the bleeding has stopped but the cramping is there in full force. And I have to wait until Monday to get in to see the doc. To confirm that this pregnancy isn't viable...but I know the truth. This little one went to heaven around 2 weeks ago.

Hopefully, she'll agree to go ahead and take care of tying my tubes as well so I don't have to worry about going through anything like this ever again.

I'm sad, but then again, I'm relieved as well because of the circumstances surrounding this little one's conception. Rest in the arms of heaven, my little one.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

POSSIBLE TMI ALERT

I naturally miscarried on my own today. The hard cramps hit around 12:20 and kept coming every two minutes. We'd gone an hour and a half a way to visit my folks and I was almost there when I just started gushing blood. So we turned around and headed home. By the time we got home I'd already miscarried.

Judging by the baby's size (it's about 1/4 of an inch long, if that) and development (still has a tail, arm and leg bugs and the beginning of eyes and ears, as well as a mouth that looks like a puppet with it's mouth left open) the little one went to heaven around 6-7 weeks gestation, soon after I found out I was pregnant.

I don't know if it is because of the diabetes or because I got on the prometrium too late, but this little one is now my tiny angel.

In so many ways I am relieved. I am relieved I will not have to tell my parents and go through their lectures. I am sad as well. Every m/c you have to go through sucks big time. But I'm done, this is m/c #6 for me. I don't want any more children anyway, and so on Monday when I go back to see my doc, I'm praying she'll be able to tie my tubes then. And I don't want to go through the hearache of another loss ever again.

I'm watching Caleb crawling around on the floor just as happy as a lark. And I can't help but smile at his innocence and at his joyful smiles of discovery.

My ex is sad but relieved as well. And he said today that we really need to try and work things out...but I'm not sure I really want to do that. Yet another thing to pray about. My heart right now is with Lee.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Well, today finally the tears have started to fall. I know this is just my hormones returning to normal, well, at least I think it is. I guess even under the circumstances I'm still sad. I wish having a m/c got easier over time, but really, it doesn't. It still sucks. And I grieve partly b/c I know that this is it. I can't do this to myself anymore. I don't want to go through the pain of loss any more. And God has blessed me immensley with three little boys.

I can't believe how incredibly quiet it is this weekend. The boys are visiting their dad this weekend. I wish they were here to hug right now. It still amazes me how they know when mama needs a hug the most.

I noticed yesterday that there is a massive blood clot right on the edge of the placenta between it and the amnion. I wonder if that has to do with the why development stopped. Who Knows. My inquiring mind just wants to know why.

As of yesterday, I've been a single mom for one whole year. A year. Wow, did this year fly bly. And I don't ever care to have a year like I've had over the past one EVER again.

And I wish I could say for certain what the future holds, but I know that God knows. But I sure hope it includes Lee, that's for sure. I've told God that I really like him and I pray that one day...our relationship will become a marital one. I guess it's just a different story when you allow God to be in control of even your life life. *sigh* Well, I guess I should stop writing for now and get back to working and cleaning. Fun, fun.

ashamom27's picture
Joined: 07/06/06
Posts: 1010

Oh Sweetie,
Big hugs to you. I got worried when I didn't see your posts on preg journal. I agree you had a tuff year! Now you can focus on your life as a mom of three boys, which is challenging enough.
I enjoyed reading your journal and I will miss it.
Good luck to you.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

I.CAN.DO.THIS.

I've tried, I think, about a million and one times to update this journal, but get worked up over what I've just written, and give up. But I think today's the day when I need to make an update for my own sanity. Just so I can let things out and feel much much better. Because I'm finding this is a community of great support.

First. I'm thrilled because I've already lost 9 lbs since the horror on the scale last Thursday. So I decided to join Pregnancy.org's biggest looser challenge for October. I love my size 14 jeans and I'd love to get down even lower, like a size 10. I've called my nutritionist and we now have a new diet plan for 1200 calories. I want to keep my diabetes under control so I can live a long, long time to make my ex husband miserable. (Did I just say that?) And, as a single mom, I need a lot of energy to keep up with three VERY active little boys. And, as I've reentered into the dating world I want to look drop dead gorgeous for my future spouse. Last, I want to look good just so I don't hear people ask all the time, "So, when is your baby due?" That one just makes me want to put people in their place.

Second. I went to the OB on Monday and they did an u/s to confirm that I had a complete miscarriage. And I did. So, we discussed possible reasons for the m/c, and I signed the paperwork to get my tubes tied. October 24 I go back for a pre-op appointment and then they'll schedule the surgery. Which I am so looking forward to. I don't want to endure the heartache of another miscarriage and I certainly have plenty to keep me busy these days.

Third. Lee and I are going out to celebrate my being on my own for an entire year this weekend. I can't believe it's been an entire year? My, where has the time gone.

Fourth. I took the day off from work on Monday and someone I worked with to complete financing packages kept calling me. Which had my poor boss completely flipped out. She was afraid I was going to leave or go work for this guy...but I just laughed at her and told her no way. (But secretly, it's nice to know they like me!) It turns out he was just calling to see how the new job was going. Whew.

Fifth. I sat on the phone for a good hour yesterday arguing with my caseworker and his supervisor...they're telling me things are not financially affordable for me to be paying $900/month in childcare costs. And of course, they lost the receipts I brought in. So I went through every single little tiny expense and finally, it all made sense to them. So I will hopefully see that increase in Food Stamps before long. That $50/month goes almost nowhere to contribute to groceries.

Sixth. I finally remembered to call Sallie Mae and get the student loans back under control and got an economic hardship deferrment. And, I'm applying to get a medical coding degree from a local tech college. They say the program takes 36 weeks, but all the classes are online and you can work at your own pace. So I hope I'm done faster than 9 months, so I can add a second income and still work from home so we can get off state assistance and I can give my boys a better life. Let's face it, I'm NEVER going to get child support and I can't live on what I make now. So hopefully, I'll get started quite soon and get a pell grant instead of student loans so I don't have to pay back any more $$.

And last, but not least...and this is the part that it's going to anger me entirely as I recount the facts...

My ex spouse isn't going to live much longer if he keeps this up. I've in fact, had several joking offers to hire a hit man for me. Usually, he's supposed to have the boys home by 7:30 on Sunday evenings on his weekends. But because he was late from getting fired from his job while he was still in Michigan, he didn't show up until late Saturday afternoon. So I told him to have them home no later than 10 p.m. on Sunday. And he had to pick up and drop them back off b/c under the circumstances, I wasn't in any condition to drive.

He calls me at 8:30 Sunday night and asks if there's any way possible that he can bring the boys home on Monday afternoon. MONDAY???? They have school. I told him to get them home NOW or I would be forced to ask the police to intervene. Which is why I really shouldn't have been surprised when my local PD showed up around 9:30. The first question out of their mouths was "Do you have an ex husband that is mad at you?" I said, most likely, and explained the above scenario. Then I was told they received a 'suspicious' call that I had dog feces all over my house. And let me inject here that I do not have a dog, or any type of animal in my house, unless you count my kids, that is. ANEEEWAY....they took a look around the house...and found the products of conception my doctor had told me to put in a plastic baggie and keep cold to bring in on Monday in my refrigerator. And then I suddenly became a mass murder or something..the questions I had to answer were endless. But finally, they were able to confirm everything with my doctor and the ER I went to visit. And they didn't find anything but did request I try to get the house in more pristine shape (I was recovering from my miscarriage and decided to not clean house all weekend, so it wasn't in its normal pristine condition, mind you) and said they'd call my ex and left.

To say I was pissed would be an understatement. HOW DARE HE? I called my aunt and told her we were heading to Kansas. On the way there, the ex called and said he was on his way with the kids. How convenient for him. I thanked him for calling the police and told him I was on my way there. He swore up and down that he didn't call the police. So I told him we'd meet at the usual place halfway and I'd see him in an hour and a half. Several times along the way he called, swearing again that it wasn't him, and that it had to be my nieghbor, Mary, because the ex told me that she told him she was going to call on me this weekend because my house was a wreck. Mind you, the only time she's been in my house was the day it was broken into, and it was trashed, although nothing was taken. And she is also mad because her ex husband came and took her car after finding out she backed into their son and has been locking him out of the house.

But my point is, the police KNEW already that I'd been through a miscarriage. And Mary would not have known that fact. And I am so not stupid here. I know without a doubt it was him. So as soon as the kids were safely back in my care, I immediately changed my cell number. Monday evening I allowed the boys to call him one last time b/c after this, they would only be talking to him on the weekends they see him for visitation. I blocked my number, and they said goodnight, and then he asked to talk to me. So I got chewed out for changing my cell number. And by LAW he has to have it so he can get ahold of the boys at any time. I just told him, no by LAW I'm required to have a phone turned on but that he does NOT have to have the number. And, on the weekends he has the boys, he shuts his phone off just so I can't talk to them. But I ended up hanging up. And explained to the boys that they would no longer be talking to their dad in the evenings. And they haven't asked to, either. My oldest wanted to know why, but I told him the standard parent line: BECAUSE.I.SAID.SO.

Fast forward to Tuesday, where I get home to grab a quick bite to eat and head back to work after looking at a house. And there's a note on the door from child protective services saying that they need to talk to me in regards to my children. So I called her back and got a return call Wednesday afternoon. Of course, she can't tell me over the phone what the charge is, but apparantly isn't too worried because she made an appointment for next Tuesday after I get off work. I plan to explain both the situation with my neighbor and how my ex husband is still trying to get revenge however he can. And I plan to tell her I'm sure I'll see more of her, because I'm sure that I will.

Either way, no matter WHO called, I am so done with all the headaches. I'm going to stay living next door to my neighbor and kill her with kindness. Her son has been coming over to my house every day asking for some type of food. One day it was garlic, the next was corn. Do I have GROCERY STORE written on my front door or something? Being that I'm now very cautious, I have just told him no and to go home and slammed the door.

My ex, however, may just get his visitation taken away after this. I cannot and will not deal with his lies and games for the next 18 years. I've been nice enough to let him see Caleb for the entire weekend. But no more, as our paperwork says 6 hours on Saturday. And I emailed my attorney, and I was right-I don't have to give him any information. I explained that he got fired again from his job and has no way to support the kids and no place to live. I love my attorney, because here's what he said:

Were there seatbelts in the Semi for the kids? He has been and always will be a flake-his behavior is predictable-always trying to elicit cops etc. If he has no accomodation for kids or money to support and feed them-cut off his visitation. Do you know where the kids sleep when he has them? You have the right to protect your children from dangerous scenarios. The police cannot enforce a domestic order-he had to lie about their safety etc.

That's why I pay the big bucks, yeah baby.

I was talking to a friend of mine that goes to church with my ex BIL and of course, my ex told him that I was pregnant but that he thought it wasn't his. Wow, color me surprised. NOT. But it's sad when your own family no longer believes you. He told my friend that whatever my ex says to him, he knows it's usually a lie, and that he just lets it go right in one ear and out the other. And doesn't argue with him.

I vow this: all of this is going to change. And I'm putting my foot down because the man will never EVER grow up. Not ever. I wish we had a bigger blow up guy on the emoticon guy because the one we have here isn't a big enough of an E X P L O S I O N!!!!!!

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

A new development...the police knocked on my door and they were actually looking for my neighbor. But I didn't call them, so apparantly someone else has taken note of what's been going on there. But I did take the opportunity to fill them in on what's been going on. And amazingly enough, she has her car back.

Me and the boys are going to visit my grandma tonight and then there's some big shindig at her house tomorrow. Then it's time to get home and go out on the final date with Lee. Still sad about him leaving. Ugh.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

I finally finished my 'see you later' letter to Lee:

Well…I guess the time I’ve been dreading is finally upon us. And this isn’t a goodbye type of letter. I rather like to think of it as I’ll see you next time.

Never, in a million years, did I dream of how much God was going to grow you upon my heart. It began the day that I saw your profile on Eharmony. I remember looking at your picture and your profile, and praying that you would decide to talk to me. Lo and behold…there you were, the very next day. And then the craziness of our background similarities was just amazing. The birthday, how our marriages ended, even the fifth and sixth grade Sunday School class. The Five Love Languages and The Song of Solomon Bible Study. Even the fortune cookie of “You will meet someone special at a social event.” I still smile to think about how, later on that evening, while we were out watching fireworks you leaned over and said, “So, does this count as a social event?” And even then making mention of it later saying most people don’t see fireworks on their first date. After I got what you were saying, anyway, I totally agree. It has been completely amazing to see God working His amazing touch in even our friendship.

Thank you so much for all the times you opened doors for me. I’m sorry for forgetting to let you. Something even so little showed me how much of a caring man that you are. Thank you also for all the dinners you’ve paid for, as you didn’t have to do that either. Thanks for teaching me so much about pool. I plan to work on getting better while you’re gone so I can win fair and square if you are ever back in OKC. But most of all, thank you for all the times that you’ve taken my hands and prayed before dinner. Your prayer that God would not only bless our food, but bless our time together has touched my heart more than anything. All of these things combined have shown me that you are truly a man after God’s own heart.

For the opportunity to meet your mom, Annie, Steven and Alexis, I am truly grateful. You have such a wonderful family! I spoke with Annie the other day and I’m so glad she’s gotten on pain medication and is feeling better. Please tell her that I will continue to lift her up in prayer every single day. Your son is a smaller version of you. Don’t know where he gets his flirtatious spirit. Wink Please also know that I will be praying for your mom, Steven and Alexis each and every day as well. And you’re welcome to give my phone number to your mom while you’re away, so in case she needs anything, I can help where I am able. I know it’s got to be heartbreaking for her to watch all of you go.

Even when you told me back in July that you were leaving in October, I was sure I could handle it. After all, we were friends and October was a long way away. But God has put you on my mind even more strongly with each passing day, and there has to be a reason for it. I have to wonder why God brought you into my life and allow my feelings to grow for you only to allow you to leave. How He would allow me to feel like I’m going to float off the earth when you let go of me after a hug. But then I have to stop and realize that everything happens in God’s timing. Not mine. I so wish you didn’t have to leave, but knowing that this is God’s plan for you. And Michael W. Smith’s song Pray For Me come to mind here.

Here is where the road divides
Here is where we realize
The sculpting of the Father's great design
Thru' time you've been a friend to me
But time is now the enemy
I wish we didn't have to say goodbye
But I know the road He chose for me
Is not the road he chose for you
So as we chase the dreams we're after

Pray for me and I'll pray for you
Pray that we will keep the common ground
Won't you pray for me and I'll pray for you
And one day love will bring us back around again

Painted on our tapestry
We see the way it has to be
Weaving thru' the laughter and the tears
But love will be the tie that binds us
To the time we leave behind us
Memories will be our souvenirs
And I know that thru' it all
The hardest part of love is letting go
But there's a greater love that holds us

Pray for me and I'll pray for you
Pray that we will keep the common ground
Won't you pray for me and I'll pray for you
And one day love will bring us back around again

So, leaving you in the hands of the Father, I wish and pray so many things for you. I wish you joy to carry you through the valleys and onto the mountain tops. Hope to make it through the trials. Peace to calm every storm. Faith to see the good in every situation even when it seems like there isn’t any good in it. Kindness to brighten another person’s day. And most of all, love to fill your heart and your life.

Each and every day I will lift you up in prayer. For your job, for your health, for your family, for your trust in people, and for your walk in Christ. And through these past few months I’ve come to realize that you are a desire of my heart. So know that I will be praying that somehow God will make a way later on down the road for our paths to cross again.

“Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will set your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Thank you for being part of my life, even if it’s only for a short while. And if I don’t see you on this side of Heaven, I know that I will see you there and will be waiting to bestow upon you the world’s biggest hug.

Forever in Christ,
Rachael

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Well, thankfully, it was a nice, quiet weekend. Sort of. I've spent ever since Friday having weird stomach cramps and no appetite. It can't be stress because I usually eat like crazy when I'm stressed. I can't figure out what's going on.

Lee got my letter and what he did say about it is that he noticed and appreciated the fact that I take nothing for granted that he's done for me. And he noticed my correct use of grammar.

We ended up watching Under the Tuscan Sun and a Pool movie Saturday evening as my babysitter was sick. He ate 3 bags of popcorn and then told me he didn't eat dinner. Men. I could have made him something, but oh well. He left at three and hugged me goodbye and it was all in all a wonderful evening.

We made plans to have a family type of dinner Wednesday evening, so after that it will be Saturday pool and then see you later. I'm sure it's God, but I'm not as sad as I was. Again, thankful that God's able to keep things from hurting so much.

I had to change my cell phone number yet again this morning because people kept calling and saying someone had called them from this number. I hadn't called anyone. I think my phone got possessed or something. I had to get stuff done here at work so I finally called and had it changed. Strange and bizzarre.

Went to visit the tech college this morning and got the application process started. Met a nice guy named John who walked me through the process. Looks like I'll be spending 10 hours per week in the classroom and 10 outside of the classroom. Oh well, might as get used to the extra hours now as I'll be working a second job before long. Decided to get medical coding and medical transcription at the same time. I can't wait until we're making some extra $$. I want my kids to have so many things that I can't give them right now since we're struggling so much to get by. Even to buy groceries right now. I hope to get done before the 9 months required but we'll see.

I should be getting a child support check soon. Not really extra money as I need to give my Aunt some more $$ but hopefully it will help a little bit.

And my van needs some work apparantly. The Dodge Grand Caravans are known for the tensioner belt pulley to go out. After driving for 3 1/2 hours, I think mine had had it. So I couldn't go above 65 without seeing the RPM's revved up but then it felt like the brakes were suddenly slamming on. The first time it happened, I thought we hit something. At least I HOPE it's the pulley. Lot cheaper than fixing a transmission, that's for sure. Guess I'll need to see how much it costs to fix one.

I'm officially a part of the Pg.org biggest looser challenge, starting out at 195. So hoping to be down to 185 by the end of the month. Go Blue!

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Today is the DAY. *gulp* Little bit on the nervous side about child protective services visit today, as I don't know what lies he's pulled out of his boohinie to try to get me in trouble. My house is white glove spotless. My aunt is making sure the boys are bathed and in clean clothes when I pick them up. I know I shouldn't be worried, but being that I dealt with this back in January and my ex lied and my two older children spent time out of my care for HIS offense of child abuse...I just loathe to face that again or even the thought of loosing them. I'm a great mom to them, I know I am.

I talked to my mom (a.k.a my stepmom but she's my mom just the same) yesterday for a bit. They're moving to OKC finally and still trying to sell their house back in Kansas. And my dad's semi lost an axle a month ago, so he's been out of work until now. So they're supporting 2 house payments and utilities until their house sells. So glad I'm not in their shoes trying to deal with that.

Joined a new free online dating site...a couple of bites already, so we'll see how this goes. I'm nervous about dating people who have never been married, but I have to be fair and give them a chance just the same. One guy IM'd me but then said he had a girl friend. So I asked him didn't he think she wouldn't like him talking to other women? He said good bye, thank goodness. Don't want to waste my time on men like that.

Lee, his kids, Annie and me and the boys are all going out to dinner tomorrow night. This should be fun I think. See how they all act around each other. I'm still struggling with the fact that he's leaving, but trying not to let it show b/c I want to protect his own heart. He'll probably move and forget all about me, so I'm trying to prepare myself for that.

I think my greatest fear in the dating world is that I'm going to come across as too clingy or overbearing. I want to be able to show I'm interested without being suffocating, you know? I've already met a lovely psycho through Eharmony, but that's another story. And I've already had one guy ask why I'm divorced with a baby. So having to explain in as small detail as possible about my ex and his affair with a friend while I was pregnant. The other scary thing about dating is that I really haven't done this in well over 10 years. So the rules have changed. I'm still floating around out here, trying to figure out what they are. So stay tuned for this new chapter of my life.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

I think today I'd like to start out with a narrative poem by Max Lucado.

WHEN CHRIST COMES
by Max Lucado

You are in your car driving home. Thoughts wander to the game you want to see or meal you want to eat, when suddenly a sound unlike any you've ever heard fills the air. The sound is high above you. A trumpet? A choir?
A choir of trumpets? You don't know, but you want to know.

So you pull over, get out of your car, and look up. As you do, you see you aren't the only curious one. The roadside has become a parking lot. Car doors are open, and people are staring at the sky. Shoppers are racing
out of the grocery store. The Little League baseball game across the street has come to a halt. Players and parents are searching the clouds. And what they see, and what you see, has never before been seen.

As if the sky were a curtai n, the drapes of the atmosphere part. A brilliant light spills onto the earth. There are no shadows. None. From whence came
the light begins to tumble a river of color spiking crystals of every hue ever seen and a million more never seen. Riding on the flow is an endless fleet of
angels. They pass through the curtains one myriad at a time, until they occupy every square inch of the sky.

North.
South.
East.
West.

Thousands of silvery wings rise and fall in unison, and over the sound of the trumpets, you can hear the cherubim and seraphim chanting, Holy, holy, holy. The final flank of angels is followed by twenty-four silver-bearded elders and a multitude of souls who join the angels in worship.

Presently the movement stops and the trumpets are silent, leaving only the triumphant triplet: Holy, holy, holy. Between each word is a pause. With each word, a profound reverence. You hear your voice join in the chorus. You don't know why you say the words, but you know you must.

Suddenly, the heavens are quiet. All is quiet. The angels turn, you turn, the entire world turns and there He is.

Jesus.

Through waves of light you see the silhouetted figure of Christ the King.
He is atop a great stallion, and the stallion is atop a billowing cloud. He opens his mouth, and you are surrounded by his declaration: I am the Alpha and the Omega.

The angels bow their heads. The elders remove their crowns. And before you is a Figure so consuming that you know, instantly you know: Nothing else matters. Forget stock markets and school reports. Sales meetings and football games. Nothing is newsworthy.. All that mattered, matters no more.... for Christ has come. . .

Can you imagine? And won't it be great!

It will be up to 45 days until we hear back from the State from the assessment. I got the gist that nothing much will happen from it, as she left, not seeming to worried about much of anything. She said she'll call back in a few weeks just to check on us. I told her everything in regards to my ex and in regards to the next door neighbor. So, we'll see. I told her I'm sure we'll see more of her but she said she hopes not. But I'm sure we will. While I wait this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach isn't going to go away, I can tell you that.

So hopefully for a few days, life will be quiet and return to life as I know it.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Today, I'm feeling totally crabby. Wish I could put my finger on it. Tomorrow is FRIDAY and it's the day when I have to deal with HIM again and I know it's going to be yet another long weekend.

My son, of course 'forgot' to take a sack out to the car this morning. And he swears that he just didn't hear me. (Flash forward here 20 years and let's see how well that flies with his future boss!) So I'm irked about that. I know he's only 8, but if I had a nickel for every time I heard him say "I didn't hear you" I'd be #1 on Forbes' 10 richest people list.

Dinner with Lee and the kids went well. He made me go get my dinner and insisted on sitting with Caleb. He even felt comfortable enough to tell Chase to quit talking about underwear at the dinner table. That impressed me.

We ended up going back to his house after dinner. Got to watch a little father daughter Kareoke. That was hilarious but cute. And then Lee had Caleb laughing from playing with him. Hunter was his usual quiet self. All in all a wonderful night. And Chase said I could marry him. Wasn't that nice of him? Wink So Saturday may be the last day I see him. Although he still hasn't gotten any orders yet from the Airforce so it may be delayed. Either he's going to the Azores or he's going somewhere else without his family for 15 months.

I've met a couple of creepy type of guys on this free internet dating site. It's enough to make me want to quit dating entirely and become celibit for the rest of my life. A guy old enough to be my father wouldn't leave me alone yesterday. Yuck. Ewww. *shudder*

Still working on getting financing for college. Trip up there, but should soon be resolved so I can get started.

Ah, well, another fun day at work awaits, so I must bid you all adieu. Time to go fly around the office and see how much paper I can push.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

OMG. 6 pounds?!?!? I lost 6 pounds in one week. I was expecting a couple of pounds. Not six. Guess I did more in exercise than I thought. 4 more pounds gets me prepregnancy weight. And much better than the 204 from the nutritionists office. And yesterday I went through one of my I feel fat days too.

I think, for now, I'm just not going to date. The male population in general has been largely disappointing. What is up with all the men wanting you for nothing than sex? Call me a prude, but I think it should wait until you're married. God created sex for marriage for our protection....no STD's to worry about, no pregnancy to worry about...and plus, I feel it's a gift that I'm waiting to give whomever my future spouse is.

Lee still doesn't have orders. Apparantly a woman in the Dr.'s office lied to him about getting the paperwork back to the Azores. I've said my goodbye so I just asked him to simply call me when he knows when he's going so I can send him off with a prayer. This has to be a God thing, my heart not hurting so much anymore about this.

My boys went off to see their dad this weekend. Well, the two older ones did, anyway. And they both came back completely exhausted. They went to sleep right after I gave them dinner and didn't want to wake up this morning. Poor guys. Chase came back with a bazillion questions, the type of which you can tell dad's been trying to probe him for information. So I told him, 'my worry, not yours' and before long, he started asking something and then said, 'oh, nevermind.' I'm glad that God got me through this weekend. I thought I was going to hurl quite a few times. I wasn't worried about seeing him. I've been more worried about what he's going to do in retaliation. Their dad asked me if he was going to be able to talk to the boys this week and I said, 'nope,' got in the van and we headed towards home. And of course, the boys hadn't been fed....Chase said dad didn't have the money. Awww, poor dad. I feel no sorrow for him.

Went on a date Saturday and that was a mistake. From the moment we met I just didn't want to be there. I was never so happy to get a date over with. Ugh.

There was a resonating theme throughout all the sermons and lessons I heard over the weekend. All about how we can give God control over most of the things in our life, but how there is usually something we want to take control over. The Roman soldiers while getting baptized would hold their swords out of the water, as if to say, God, you have all of me except for my fighting. This is our war, not yours. Another church resonated this theme with how we tend to hang 'do not disturb' signs on the door of the things we don't want to let God have control of. As a human race, I have to think that this is where we all struggle, giving up control of everything to Christ. So my spiritual goals for the week have become two things: to allow God to search my heart and find out where I need to give Him control and to email each person in my FLOCK, asking where I can pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ. There was a whole 5 people in FLOCK this week (although it was most likely due to the OU/Texas football game), but one of the group leaders mentioned that our entire group has been under attack since around mid-July. I know I've been one of them. So it's time to join together with them in prayer.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Lee still doesn't have orders. That has to be frustrating. I'm trying to leave him be and not get in the way. Just simply told him to call me when he had orders so I could send him off with a prayer.

I've been talking to a new guy, Denny, whom was born with spina biffida and incredibly survived and is walking. Not all the time does he have the strength to walk, as his right leg muscles didn't quite develop properly. We've talked for a few days, and I'm looking forward to meeting him Saturday evening. So we'll see how that goes, but I think it will go well. Any guy who likes Grey's Anatomy as much as I do is ok on my list. He's an incredible flirt, though...so I'm going to have to watch myself and stick to my morals.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I went to a NASCAR race and had to weigh in and I couldn't believe my eyes, 169...and I was telling the gal standing there that there was no way I could weigh that already since I had just weighed 190. Silly, strange dreams.

I'm currently praying my heart out for my friend Dusti and her son, Sacarii, who has been in the NICU since being born September 29th, born at just over 27 weeks. His little lungs are finally giving out. And my heart is just breaking for her. Never in my life have I prayed so hard for a miracle.

And I'm having fun terrorizing my oldest son. Who HATES that I'm staying on top of him to keep things picked up, keep his bed made. It's so NOT.FAIR.

I wish my neighbors would quit coming home so late. Her and her family are so loud and ever since the break in, we've all been skiddish and it's difficult not to wake up to go check on things.

Me and the boys had fun decorating with the usual spider webs and plastic spiders last night. It sure was chilly here. Great night to make chili or chicken noodles but we ended up going to Wendy's instead. I'm so ready for the baseball season to be over so I can go back to watching House on Tuesday nights. So we watched Godzilla instead (the new one). It scared me half to death, but watching the godzilla like babies slipping around on gum and an assortment of balls absolutely tickled my funny bone and I could not stop laughing.

Ah, well, another fun yet busy day at work. So that's it for today.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Ok, I thought maybe I'd go on a date last night. With my comfy, oversized chair, a warm, soft quilt and the latest book from the Left Behind series.

Oooookaaaaaaaay.

Reality check. I got home, cooked dinner (burned dinner a bit), threw the older two kids in the tub. Who proceeded to get water everywhere on the bathroom floor. It wouldn't be a bath for them otherwise. So I sopped up the water and shooed them out of the bathroom to get dressed. And then insanely fed them rice krispy treats. Big mistake. Sugar high induced fun play time followed. So I pulled out the trusty monotone I MEAN IT voice and said STOP. ROUGH HOUSING. IN. THE. HOUSE! Like a bajillion times. And of course, they kept going until one of them got hurt and then would start again. Somewhere in the middle of the chaos I got Caleb to bed. I settled down to watch Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. At 9, I turned off the TV and the lights and heard the usual non stop whine of MOOOOM, I DON'T WAAAAANA GO TO BED. So I tearily said I needed for them to go to bed because I NEEDED SLEEP. (Tears, they work on daddy's and little kids when a mom is just tired.) Thankfully, they stayed in bed for once and just slept. So I got on the phone with two of my closest friends from Kansas and we caught up on life. And then crashed hard. Until Hunter woke up with a bad dream and came to sleep in my bed. And then Caleb woke up screaming a couple of times. And then Chase came in sometime in the early hours of the morning and said he'd had a bad dream, so could he please come sleep with me? So I got Hunter and carried him back to his bed, and Chase crawled in my bed. Before I knew it, my alarm was going off, I prayed for God to help me get up and out of bed. My pillow, how I miss thee.

I talked to Lee last night and got the most heartbreaking news ever. It turns out that since his son has asthma, the kids weren't approved to go to the Azores. Which means he will be without them for 15 months. Do you know how difficult it is to hear a father crying on the phone b/c he's going to miss out on 2 Christmases, 4 birthdays and one birthday of his with his kids? I couldn't help but pray for this man that God has grown on my heart so much. Which makes me wonder if he's the reason all the guys I've met lately have been complete idiots. I even had a dream about Lee last night, something to do with my ex but he sat there by my side and just held my hand. I'm so far beyond understanding what God has planned for us, for him...but I care deeply for this man. I do know that.

So I'll end this entry with a scripture I need to be reminded of myself:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11, NIV

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

PSALM 19
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
4 Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.
7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Forgive my hidden faults. God has really been speaking to my heart about hidden faults over the weekend. Where I, as a child of God, have failed Him. So thankful I am for His grace and forgiveness! The prayer of my heart today, God, is that of verse 14. Make everything I say today pleasing to you, and allow my heart today to not meditate on the things of the world, but on You.

There's some sort of weird phenomenon going on with my weight loss. I weighed myself Friday and I had gained a pound. So to step on the scale this morning and see 4 more pounds gone was a complete shock. I weighed myself a few times, just to make sure I was reading the scale correctly. I don't know how you're accomplishing this within me God, but thank you for helping me get healthy!

Lee and I had a wonderful time over the weekend. We went to P.F. Chang's (my favorite!) and then out to a lake in the area, where we found a remote spot so I could play the violin for him. Which totally made me shake uncontrollably from being nervous. But he liked it. And then we sat and talked for a while as usual, ending the evening with prayer. I'll be praying for Lee, as he leaves October 30 to head for the Azores. And I'll be praying, as he has admitted that he has great difficulty prioritizing his life. And then Sunday came and around noon, I found myself crying again. How I am going to miss this man.

And incredibly, a man named Tim from Plenty of Fish emailed me. Ten emails in one day. I talked to him a bit and all I heard was his ex this, his ex that...and I thought, oh no, I'm just going to be a leaning post. But it has become so clear that he is definitely a man after God's heart. I stay wary, but only because so recently men have emailed, claiming to be Christians, but then pushing for sex. But he definitely knows the Bible. So we'll see how this goes. But I am praying for wisdom and discernment here. Knowing that this man is already in ministry is giving the devil a chance to feed me a great lie...that I'm not good enough for this man. But I know in my head I AM good enough because I am a child of God. I am complete in Him. And I want nothing less than what God wants for me, especially in regards to a future mate.

I found myself so frustrated with the boys this weekend. Especially Hunter. Who managed to get paint all over my bed and then all over the carpet on my living room floor. I tried to keep my cool and not yell at them, but I really lost it. And felt horrid for yelling at them. No use crying over spilled milk (or paint, for that matter). So by the end of the night I hugged all three of them and told them I'm so sorry I yelled at them, asked for them to forgive me, and told them all that I loved them.

I'm still praying my heart out for my friend Dusti and Sacarii. He started having seizures over the weekend, and the docs have told her that if he survives, there will very likely be some mental and developmental issues. And Dusti, I worry for her, praying that while things are calm, that she will get some much needed rest. I wish I could be there for her in person, but all I can do is offer up encouragement, love and prayer and have to be content to let God work. I'm amazed this tiny life has hung on for so long, but I know it's God working in his little life.

Well, busy week here at work, so time to wrap this up.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

For once, nothing too new to report.

Dusti got to do Kangaroo Kare with her son yesterday. And I haven't stopped insanely smiling since for her Biggrin

Lee is shipping out October 30. Again, not too saddened by this any longer. I have a feeling he just isn't ready to be married again, even after five years.

Meeting Tim for the first time tonight at church, so hopefully that goes well. Post more about this tomorrow.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

I've been trying to update this journal for days now, but every time I start, something has been wrong with the site or my attention has been taken by other things.

So..here goes. And you've been warned. Wink

I've lost 12.4 lbs during October. Yeah me. I'm still not happy with my weight, so I'm continuing on a lifestyle change.

I've given up dating for a while. Instead, I've begun to pray for God to keep me content to be single. And single with His purpose for me in mind, that I can live the single life purposefully and serving my Jesus.

Lee eventually got his orders to head to the Azores. Last Wednesday, in fact. And he had to leave on Friday. So what does he do? Goes and plays pool with his buddies. Go figure. It stressed out Annie, that's for sure. So I stayed up until 1 a.m. with him Thursday night, trying to help him get packed up and get things set up. He left Friday afternoon and then I got a surprise call from him just before he left the States Saturday morning, from the Baltimore airport. I was totally shocked that he called, as I didn't expect to hear from him for quite some time.

And then Mr. I'm God's Gift to Women...whom I met online at plenty of fish. Who decided to lie to me about being married twice (not once as he told me) and then decides to lie again and tell me that his first wife died four months after they were married. And then my pal Amanda showed me a public records site...and I'm scratching my head because why the heck do you have to get divorced from someone who died? I called him on it and walked away from that relationship, thankful that the Lord showed me what I needed to see.

I'll update more later, but for now I have several projects I need to complete at work.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

There is so much I need to update here. I have been through a week of sheer hell, and I have a feeling there is more to come.

But I will say this: The ex has been at it AGAIN. And I can't take this crap any more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I am able to recount the latest without having a major crying spell, I'll be able to update this journal.

In a nutshell: the ex didn't return Chase and Hunter Sunday evening when he was supposed to. Then I went through 3 days of torture trying to get them back. And then found out he's trying to have me charged with child abuse.

Will this trauma ever end?

Without the new man in my life, who patiently sat on the phone with me Monday night and listened as I bawled my head off with the gut wrenching sobs of one who cries without hope, and then came and held me all night as I continued to cry...I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't held me through this.

The trauma, I might as well acknowledge, will never end.

Why the hell did I EVER marry this jerk???

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826

Wink

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826
One Good Bump Deserves Another...

If this blog makes no sense to you, then I'll atribute that to the fact that I have a large goose egg on the back of my head. On a better note: my lawn is mowed, my house is clean, my van sparkles and smells lemony fresh.

Friday, while we were waiting for Ryan's prescription at Wal-Mart, we went and vacuumed out my van. I got so disgusted with the ground in gunk on the middle seat that I took that sucker to the car wash bay and took the power sprayer to it. After it dripped water for a while, I put it back in the van. Then we went back to Wal-Mart, where I discovered my driver's license was gone. So back to the Happy Bubbles Car Wash I went. Never did find the driver's license, but Ryan had thrown away my very expensive cross necklace. Good thing we went back. So I'll be going down to my local DMV for a replacement. Yippee.

Saturday morning the lawn guy came over and woke me up at an unearthly hour in the morning. 7 a.m. on a weekend???? I groaned, went to Albertsons to get him some cash, came back home and I slept. Around 10 or so, he was still at it. And my ex called. I was still in bed...and he couldn't seem to believe that I wasn't up and around. I have no kids, I tell him. He thought I had Ryan's girls. Nope, I said. DHS finally approved his daycare application and besides, it's the weekend. DUH.

Saturday I went to Lee's house to take Stephen and Alexis bike riding, since Annie got no sleep Friday night. What is it with kids, that they'll sleep in during the week when they have to get up and get ready for school, but on the weekends, they're up before the rooster is? We ended up riding through the park and even stopped long enough so I could climb up into the rocketship slide thingy. That was fun, a blast from my past. All was well except that, on the way back, Stephen decides he's going to ride ahead, and can't hear me yelling at him to let us catch up. We got back to their house and Alexis and I discovered that Stephen wasn't there. So we threw the bikes in the yard and jumped in my van and went around the block, but didn't find him. When we pulled back into the driveway, Stephen was home. It took everything in me not to yell at him for scaring me so much. So he's lost priviledges of going on a bike ride with us next time.

Then Lee gets online and believe it or not, he chides me for loosing Stephen. Before I could say anything I'd regret (b/c I was upset and felt bad enough already), I left and went home. Later on that night, he tells me that he lost Stephen when he was two, and he knew how much it would scare me. He just hoped that I would relay to them that he loved them and that they have to follow the rules he sets out for them no matter who they're with. I do love those kids, I tell him. I would die for them! I can only relay so much of his love to them. When it comes down to it, they need their dad. They need his time, his love, his hugs. They need him.

But apparantly, my two older children were out to kill each other this weekend. Saturday Hunter hit Chase in the head. With a hammer. He now has a nice goose egg that covers the back of his head and a scratch underneath his left eye from him running into a tree. (Hmmm....wonder if it's time to take him back to the eye doc yet?) Sunday, Chase took revenge on Hunter and whacked him something fierce with a stick. Although he swears that Hunter just 'ran into' the stick. Uh-huh. So now Hunter has a walnut sized bump on the right side of his forehead with a long cut going down the middle.

Ah, but mom couldn't miss out on the fun. So I decided to clean house yesterday after I got home from church. And then Ryan calls, so I went in the kitchen. Just as I reached the phone, my feet went out from under me and in a second, I fell backwards, hit my head on a chair and scraped my right arm along the island countertop. I manage to reach and pick up the phone. It's Ryan, and he says I sound tired. No, I tell him, I'm not tired. I just fell on an entire dumped bottle of brand new laundry detergent. It's clear, so I didn't see it. Of course, I tell myself, I just have to be like my kids. So the three of us have a bump somewhere on our noggins. I was reminded of mine this morning, in fact, trying to brush my hair. In between that nasty bump and the fact that I think I've bruised my tailbone, I'm living on ibuprofen and praying for healing and strenth to make it through the next few days.

So 'scuse me while I go off to skulk in a torrid sea of pain and misery....

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826
I Will Go There With You

I heard the tears in your voice today. The tears that welled up behind the frustration of things of the past, the present and whatever the future may hold. Ones that speak of things unknown, and not yet seen. When is it, my love, that you will learn to trust? When does the day come when you realize that God holds in store so many greater things for you? Remember the words of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

You wondered aloud today what I see in you. I see in you so many things. I see the strength you posess. I see the quiet courage that brings me comfort in the storms. I see the deep welled joy that springs forth when we spend time together. I see a man of God. I see the man God created you to be, and more importantly, I see in you the man that God is molding after His image.

I may not yet be able to call you Mine Forever....but I do want you to know that I am here for you through all of this, and you have the opportunity to lean on me and see the Father's immense love for you. He is carrying you through this....

I Will Go There With You BY Stephen Curtis Chapman

Right from the start
I said death would be the only thing
That could tear us apart

And now that you are standing
On the edge of the unknown
"I love you" means I'll be with you
Wherever you must go

I will take a heart as nature
As to be beat for me alone
And fill it up with you
Make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you
And I will give myself to love
The way love gave itself for me
And climb with you to mountain tops
Or swim the raging sea
To the place where one heart is made from two
I will go there with you
I will go there with you

I see it in your tears
You wonder where you are
The wind is growing colder
And the sky is going dark
Though it's something neither of us understands
We can walk through this together
If we hold each other's hand

I said for better or for worse
I'd be with you
So no matter where you're going
I will go there too

I know sometimes I've let you down
But I won't let you go
We'll always be together

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826
Caleb's Birth Story

(Posting my last son's birth story, so I have it for later)

Caleb Matthew
December 4, 2005
10:06 a.m.
5 lb 3 oz
17 3/4 inches long

My story actually begins two weeks before December 4th. My blood pressure was starting to elevate and my doctor would only allow me to go to work and do nothing else. On December 1, Caleb shifted around about 2:30 in the afternoon. After that, I was in serious pain right above my uterus, just below my rib cage. By Friday, December 2 around 1:00 p.m., I was in so much pain and not feeling well that I decided to go to LDR just to be safe. I got there and was having zero contractions but my blood pressure was in the 170/110 range. So my doc kept me because I was spilling protein in my urine and my blood pressure was so high. I got admitted to the 3rd floor high risk unit to complete a 24 hour urinalysis to see how much protein I was actually spilling. They put IV number 1 in that evening, just in case. Throughout the evening I went through 2 ultrasounds to see how Caleb was doing. During the 2nd ultrasound I developed a terrible headache. So they gave me Oxycodone (Perkoset without the Tylenol since I'm allergic to it) to help get rid of it. By morning, I still had the headache and was still in pain, so they gave me two more oxycodone and I went to sleep. About 5 in the evening, my parents came to visit and my headache was still there. Just after they left, they got the results back from my urinalisys test and I was dumping enough protein to be diagnosed with mild preeclampsia. However, because of the pain in my abdomen and my headache that would not go away, my doc decided to induce because those symptoms put me into the severe preeclampsia stage. They got me started on magnesium sulfatate when we moved down to L&D. My doc came in and took out the cerclage and gave me cydotek to start softening my cervix. At 11 that night another doc came in and sat on my foot and gave me another dose. I was at 1 cm then. At 4 a.m. they came back in to give me another dose of cydotek. Still at 1 cm but the cydotek was causing my uterus to be overstimulated, so I was having contractions one on top of the other. It was then I began to cry for drugs. The nurse told me I needed to wait. I told her my doctor said I could have my epidural whenever I wanted. She was the witchy nurse no one liked. So another nurse came in and gave me a shot of Demerol. It burned terribly, but within a minute, I was asleep and not feeling any pain. I woke up 10 minutes later when the nurse inflated the blood pressure cuff on the arm my IV was in because it hurt my hand terribly. I've never screamed so loud in my life. That was the only pain I couldn't handle. So finally she took it off my arm with the IV and put it on my other arm. Duh on her. I went back to sleep. My blood pressures were staying elevated throughout the night. Around 7, I felt Caleb punch my pelvic bone, and I said, "What on earth was that?" A few seconds later, my water broke in a huge gush. It was gross. The fluid was clear. The doc checked me and I was at a 4 and 100% effaced. I went back to sleep because I was so drugged I couldn't stay awake. I awoke to the nurses trying to tell me to get into position so I could get my epidural. Except that I couldn't move. There was like, 20 docs and nurses in the room at this point. I didn't even feel the epidural go in, I was so out of it.

At 9:30 my doctor came in because Caleb's heart rate was decelling with each contraction and his rate was staying flat when it went back up. He told me he'd give me another 30 minutes to see if I would progress (I was still at a 4 and 100% effaced). If I didn't, I would have to have a C-section. I wasn't worried about having a section. I was more worried that I was going to have to go back to work in a week trying to still recover from the section. My mom sat down and we prayed. After that, I decided I was going to give Caleb a little push down. My dad was sitting in the room, cheering Caleb on. I remember him saying "Caleb, Caleb, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can," and "Rah rah ree, kick 'em in the knee, Rah rah rass, kick 'em in the other knee." And hearing the nurse comment for my dad to keep talking to him. My doctor, meanwhile, was down in surgery prepping a room for a section. At 9:50 I told the nurse I was feeling a lot of pressure and when she checked, she said I was a 5-6 cm, but she wanted to get my doctor to check and make sure. My doc came in at 10 a.m. and I was complete and Caleb was ready to be born. I gave a few good pushes and with the help of a suction cup, he got Caleb out in a hurry because his heart was still decelerating. A few seconds later, I heard Caleb cry heartily. I told my dad to make sure he got some pictures. A few minutes later, they let me hold Caleb for a few minutes and then whisked him off to the NICU. They told me he was breathing on his own, but having a bit of trouble with it, so they put him on CPAP. After two weeks in the hospital and trouble with getting rid of jaundice, Caleb finally came home on December 17, 2005.

He now weighs 7 lb 12 oz almost 2 months later and he's now 21 1/2 inches long.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826
Hunter's Birth Story

(Posting my 2nd son's birth story...and I can't believe it's still around)

Ok, better write this down or I'm gonna forget really soon.

Hunter has been the baby we've waited for for five long years. I spent my first trimester worrying about miscarriage, and had a heart attack when I started bleeding at 9 weeks. When I went into the doctor that day, I had a fever, and my heart sank. I thought for sure I was going to loose Hunter. But there he was, on the monitor, just moving around all over the place! At 13 weeks on December 23rd we got a great Christmas present...Hunter! The doc put in the cerclage and I couldn't believe that we made it that far!

Things were pretty uneventful until around 30 weeks. Then I started having all the problems...my blood pressure was too high, the blood sugars were too low, and there was too much amniotic fluid. Most of those problems, thankfully, corrected themselves.

At my 35 1/2 week appointment, the doc took out the cerclage. Contractions started almost immediately, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. I ended up going to labor and delivery on May 29th due to early contractions. Although I dialated overnight from 1 cm to 3 cm, the doc standing in for my doc made me go home, still contracting. I wasn't really in labor, she said. I was just having braxton hicks.

Two more times I went to the hospital with contractions, and two more times I was sent home because I wouldn't dialate to a 4 cm. In that time frame I also had two amniocentesis tests done to test for lung maturity. Both came back as mature-the first L/S ratio being a 2.4 and the second L/S ratio being a 2.9. But the stand in doc wouldn't induce me because I there wasn't a PG factor present.

Finally, my doc got back into town on Wednesday, June 11th. He called me that day and told me that I would need to be at the hospital at 4:00 p.m. the next day for an induction. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't going to get my hopes up until I was in the hospital and all hooked up. Well, 4:00 p.m. came on the 12th, and when we arrived at the hospital, the nurses actually knew we were coming! I was awed, because I couldn't believe my two weeks of labor was about to be over.

The nurse who was taking care of me at the time was a complete wreck. She was really grumpy. She also managed to collapse my vein when she tried to stick an IV in. And she really dug around with the needle. That hurt badly. I don't usually cry when I get stuck with needles but I did that time. Finally she gave up and called in an IV team. They stuck one in my right hand, which stayed, thankfully.

Of course, Dr. Bohman was late getting there. He was supposed to be there around 4:30 p.m. but didn't arrive until 7:00 p.m. that night. He started the induction with cervadil because my cervix kept lengthening back out. So for two hours I laid in bed waiting for the cervadil to work. It worked immediately. Contractions started picking up in intensity almost the second it was placed. After two hours they let me get up and take a shower, because it wasn't likely that I would be up and around for too much longer. i also got to eat dinner. Bland, but at least it was food!

Over the course of the night, I kept contracting. Hunter kept moving, to the annoyance of the hospital nurses. I just had to keep laughing because he just didn't want to stay still long enough to keep his heartbeat monitored. I told the nurses they would be glad when my doc broke my water so he could put an internal monitor on Hunter.

At 7:00 a.m. the next morning, my doc came back in. He broke my water and got the internal monitor put on Hunter's head, much to the pleasure of the nurses. My water breaking was quite the disgusting feeling. Plus, I kept feeling the internal monitor cords brush up against my legs every time Hunter would roll around. It was a very weird feeling. As soon as my water broke, however, the contractions started hitting me harder and harder. Within about 10 minutes, I told my husband to screw the hypnobirthing-I wanted an epidural. He wanted me to wait, but I kept yelling at him until he got someone upstairs.

And God bless the anesthesiologists! While he placed the epidural, the nurse started IV fluids, antibiotics, and pitocin. And my vein collapsed in my hand. I wanted to cry. So while the drug doc was placing the epidural, another nurse stuck an IV in my left hand. The IV being placed hurt worse than the epidural. But soon the epidural took effect, and I was on cloud nine! I kept telling the drug doc, "You are THE MAN!" Which kept making him laugh. 10 minutes later, I was checked and dialated to 5 cm and 100% effaced! I couldn't believe it! I wasn't at 3 cm anymore! I could have hugged the resident doctor!

After about two hours, I started feeling contractions again and a different drug doc came in. They gave me more meds and I got comfy again. The nurse also had to lower the dose of pitocin because it was working too well. I was contracting every minute with like a 10 second break in between them and Hunter wasn't tolerating it well. His heartbeat kept dropping after contractions. When the resident doc came back in and checked me, I was at 7 cm! I was excited because I knew then that my labor was close to ending and soon.

About 2 hours later, I had to ask for more pain meds because I was about to die from the contractions. So I got more drugs and the nurse had to disconnect the pitocin because I was contracting far too well on my own. When Dr. Worley (the resident doc, who, by the way, sure was a happy doctor and she was very smiley ) came back in to check me, I was at 9 cm. By that time I was feeling Hunter's head push down with each contraction. Ten minutes later I was dialted to a ten. My doc walked in and supervised Dr. Worley delivering Hunter. And then the kitchen staff brought in food that my hubby and mom had ordered. If you ever want great incentive to push a baby out, have someone deliver food at the beginning of the pushing stage. It works wonders! After 6 contractions and 20 minutes of pushing, Hunter's head was out! He was born looking sideways and the Dr. Worley kept trying to pull Hunter out but his shoulders were stuck. So Dr. Bohman told her to stop pulling and turn Hunter a bit. Then he popped right out. They asked my dh if he wanted to cut the cord, but he just told the docs that they were more qualified to do that. They, of course, laughed. As soon as the cord was cut and they had him suctioned, boy did he scream! And what a beautiful sound it was, too! My doc had told me earlier that day that there was a 20% chance Hunter would have to go to the NICU because of lung maturity. The first thing the doc said when Hunter came out was "That guy is half grown already! And definitely NOT a girl!"

The nurse took Hunter over to the warming bed and checked his blood sugar and lungs and prounced him healthy, another fact that I couldn't believe! I was prepared for the possibility that Hunter would have to be in the NICU because I'm diabetic. So when I was told he was healthy and could go home with me, I couldn't help but cry! I was actually going to take my angel home with me! Woo-who!

After two days in the hospital, we got to go home. Breastfeeding started off as a 24 hour event, but we're down to eating every 3 hours for 30 minutes, thank goodness!

And you know, it's been just over a week since Hunter was born on Friday the 13th, weighing in at 7 lbs, 15.2 oz and 20 inches long. Ladies on up in their years like to tell me that when Hunter smiles, it's just gas. But I know better. I wonder what babies dream about that makes them smile so big and giggle in their sleep. But I do know that, even now, I wonder how people can't believe in God when they look at a newborn baby, smiling contently in their sleep.

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826
New Burdens

God, what do I do with what Ryan just told me? He sounded so different on the phone today. A Spirit of Addiction...a Spirit of Discord had a hold of the man I love. I don't want to overreact here. But when he told me that he used to smoke, I was literally in shock. I guess I still am. I stated "you've had a cigarette today" and he said the last time was three months ago. When I asked him later on in the conversation if he'd had a cigarette today, he said that he'd gotten one from a coworker. It was like he was expecting me to walk away from him, expecting me to fight with him. He didn't want to admit he'd suffered from an addiction. Obviously, he was addicted to the cigarettes because otherwise, he wouldn't get such a strong craving for them. I would image it doesn't take much to get addicted to nicotene. I prayed with him, but his tone didn't change, and he still sounds like he's under bondage from the enemy. He asked me, "Do I believe in him enough to know that he can quit and put them down and never touch another one." What I know is that it doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what God thinks. All I could tell him is that his actions speak louder than his words right now. I am thankful that he shared this struggle with me, so I can pray for him. By the end of the conversation, I could tell that he wanted me to get angry, anything, wanted me to fight with him. So I simply told him that I sensed a spirit of discord and that I love him very much, and that I was going to go so I could get back to work....and he hung up, without saying I love you back.

Which brings me back to my original question. God, what do I do with this, as now I carry a heavy burden on my heart....

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826
Giving Up My Desire

Strange how life throws us a huge curve ball at times.

Relief would best describe it. There's been a nagging doubt since day one, and I chose to ignore it. But as soon as I let him go, the doubt, the nag all lifted and in its place came a wave of peace and relief that I'd done the right thing.

Oh, how I've slept the sleep of peace and joy over the past few days. I never realized how the stress of this relationship was making me extremely weary. I've gone to bed around 9 both nights, and while strange, odd dreams have plagued my sleep, I still have slept in peace.

So today, God, I stand alone yet again. And today I choose to turn over my desire to get married again. It may never happen, and right now I choose to acknowledge that I can provide a safe, stable, loving home, full of joy and laughter, for my boys. I can choose to let YOU lead and be my strength and my provider.

I am thankful for confirmation from the pastor of my church that I've done the right thing...he said he wasn't seeing God in the relaitonship, and it's what I felt. He said this man has a lot of growing to do before he's ready to lead and support a family the way a man should.

The weight has been lifted off, and strangely, I'm not really all that sad. Because I know where my value lies. It lies not in man, but in the joy of the Lord! It lies in the strength He gives me to make it through each day. It lies in the beauty of brokeness as I come before Him. With joy and thanksgiving I give YOU the glory, the honor and the praise that you are SO very worthy of!

Joined: 09/29/05
Posts: 826
Forever in His Time

My thoughts are so jumbled after an unexpected start to my day.

I was up around 6:30 as usual, and praying and taking time to dig into the Word. Around 7, my aunt calls. She's sick with the flu. Thankfully, my backup babysitter, Annie, is able to watch my two youngers boys. But it meant an extra 30 minute drive across town to get a carseat and playpen. This is why I'm applying for state daycare assistance.

I've been reading this great book called The Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas (and thanks, Kathryn for this book!). I'm 4 chapters in, and I can identify with so much of what this single mother of 4 is saying. I even laughed at the fact that she only ends up sitting next to married men on her plane trips. And I could empathize with the lonliness she feels. Yes, I mean, it's great to have time off from the kids...but there are times where lonliness can really set in when they're gone. And at night. Lonliness can make you feel like you will never meet anyone. I mean, life wasn't supposed to end up this way. I was supposed to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after, right? I wasn't supposed to be running a household by myself and go home bone weary night after night. The guilt is immense when you're so tired at the end of the day that all you want to do is rotate between sleeping and crying. I am praying for a measure of strength from my Husband for Now (God), because He promises that He is my Provider and Spouse. Strength that carries me beyond my physical limitations and allows me to get things done for my kids. After all, they deserve my very best. They deserve to grow up in a home where they see that just because they come from a divorced home, God brought something good out of it-a legacy of integrity and love! I will raise my boys to be men after God's heart...how I pray for them and for their career path, and for their future wives.

I also am a tad bit frustrated....I told Ryan it was OVER Sunday night, over for good, and not to call and not to email. He called me at work and I said not a word. I hung up. So he left me a message on my home answering machine, saying the only reason that he called was to test and see if what I told him was really true. Um, I'm sorry, but me saying the words "don't call, don't email" wasn't clear enough? The Bible says to let your Yes be Yes and your No, No. And he said he's praying for reconciliation. And that he'll be here when I want to talk. This, coming from a man who two days earlier told me that I was the one who pushed him into this relationship too fast. I don't wish for any type of reconciliation. I am done and over with this relationship for good. Can I forgive and pray for blessings upon his life? Yes. But it doesn't mean that I'm going to put myself back into a relationship-or a friendship for that matter-where I'm going to get used and stepped on and feel utterly miserable.

The pastor of my church once told me that for two people to be in a relationship, you have to have two completely whole people. Not two 50% whole people. I believe I have reached that point of wholeness. I have given up my desire to be married to the Lover of My Soul...and I have everything I need in Him. I don't need a man, but it would be nice, someday, to be part of a marriage again. I've finally come to realize, however, this doesn't have to be in my timing. It has to be in HIS timing. And when it's time, I will know it's time. And whomever that man is, he'll know its time.

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