Surviving.... somehow

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Surviving.... somehow

I'm so tired. At least today. I know I slept last night. The last two hours especially. I don't remember a thing from 5 am till 7 am. Patrick was up so much last night. As soon as we put him down at 8:15 so we could go to bed, he decided to wake up. So I went to bed and DH took Patrick. I ended up not falling asleep till 11 pm. DH came to bed around 10:30 with the baby. Right on the nose at 1:00 am Patrick decided it was time to wake up. Since DH has to work, I took the baby outside to the living room to give him his bottle. He took about 3 out of the 4 oz and went to sleep, so I put him down. As soon s I put him down again, he was up. Acck!!!! So I carried him back out to the living room to cuddle. Around 2:00 he fell asleep but not five minutes after I'd put him in his bassinet, he was up again. He wasn't hungry or wet, he just wanted to be held. So I laid down in my bed with him on my chest. That was a big mistake. I couldn't figure out how to get up again without waking him up. So, from about 2:00-2:30 we just lay there. When I was finally convinced he was in a deep enough sleep I moved him into his bassinet and didn't hear another sound except for my two boys snoring (DH and Patrick). I laid in bed another hour and had just fallen asleep maybe for 15 minutes when I heard it again. The unmistakable, I'm hungry cry. I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and headed out to the kitchen. The baby was soaked. I changed him, fed him, cuddled him, paced the floors, burped him. Nothing would stop him from crying.

Finally around 4:30 I had to beg DH for help. Normally I try not to wake him up before 5:00 but my nerves were shot. I was ready to cry. DH begrudgingly took the baby and I was able to sleep for a few minutes before DH woke me up to ask where the bassinet sheets were. Finally around 5 am as DH crawled back into bed I was able to sleep again.

This morning was the longest morning ever. The baby hasn't slept for more than a half hour at any given time until now and its nearly 2 pm here. My dad is due home in about a half hour. I'm watching my grandfather at his and my mothers house while I'm on disability/maternity leave. Hopefully he won't wake up the baby when he comes in because I just want to sneak out of here, buy diapers, and go home and take a very long nap and hopefully maybe sneak in a bubble bath.

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We got pics yesterday. He was one month old. I can't beleive how fast he's growing up. This isn't supposed to happen this fast. When I was little it seemed like time stood still, now, well I don't know where the time goes. I've been married for five years now. Six in April. I have a baby. One of my own. I can't beleive I'm really a mom. I can't beleive I'm a grown up. Didn't I just graduate highschool? I must not have because this year would be 12 year reunion, if we had 12 year reunions. I occasionally see people from school. It's a complete shock to see my classmates and see them as adults when the last time we saw eachother we were just barely 18 if we were 18 at all.

I finally slept last night. I still am really tired but I think I can make it up tonight. The baby was so good. He had a little bit of gas last night around midnight so DH got up with him and walked him and gave him Mylicon. I'd been sleeping since 8:00. Yeah, I was tired. So about 1:00 am I got up and fed Patrick and walked with him and put him to sleep and around 2:30 when I was sure he was out, I put him back in his bassinet.
He slept till 5:45. Wow. What a blessing. Then I went back to bed for nearly two hours. Of course Patrick has gone through about three outfits already today. He pees more than I thought was possible. I need to get more absorbent diapers.

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We went to my office today so everyone could meet my adorable little baby. Of coures everyone agrees with me that he's beautiful. They'd better say that. I'm not a willing mom to back off and be told that my baby is ugly. Of course, is there ever really an ugly baby? Sure, there have to be somewhere, but almost always you can find something attractive about them.

People didn't want to put him down. I can't blame them. I never want to put him down either. He fell asleep in the office and is still sleeping. I'm going to wake him up soon, but for right now, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.

Oops, spoke to soon, he's waking up. I'd better go make that bottle.

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I love the washing machine and dryer. They are truly my best friend. Since I'm once again at my moms house, I can use them to calm the baby down. At my complex there isn't a washer and dryer in each unit. They're community property. Who knew that laundry would one day become my best friend. I woke him up to give him his botle. Big mistake I think. It'd been about four hours since he ate last, so I fed him. Then he didn't want to calm down. I have tons of laundry so I carried him into the laundry room and put him in his car seat. I loaded the dryer with my moms tablecloth and started my own load. Suddenly everything was quiet again. No more fussing. I love those machines. He's not sleeping, but he's quiet and looking around. Thats all I'm asking for is some peace and quiet. Okay off to do more chores around here.

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I am so tired, but apparetnly so is Patrick. He was up again a lot last night. I finally had to just go lay down at 5:15 this morning. The baby was still wide awake. I just laid him in his bassinet and hoped that he would either put himself to sleep or wake DH up. He woke DH up. I finally got some sleep then, but I had to get up at 6:30 because I hadn't done a thing towards getting ready for today last night. I'm up at moms house again today and tomorrow, so in order to get everything done, I need to have everything packed. I only carry one bottle with me and just reuse it over and over again, but the clothes and the diapers and the sound machine and all that needs to be packed. Amazingly I still slept till 7 am, got myself up, dressed, fed, the baby dressed and fed and packed and was still ready before DH was. I don't know how I do that. I must be supermom. I know I'm supertired. I was ready for Starbucks this morning, but as I know they can take forever and a year to get a cup of coffee, I figured, I'd best hurry up and get up to my moms house. I would do anything for a soda, but they don't have caffinated soda here and I can't stand the taste of plain coffee. There is a Small little store about a mile from here, that I could go grab a soda at, and I might go. If I drive, it would only be about 10 minutes total that I'm gone. I will have to see how Papa does later on today. Gotta go, time for him to have his mid morning pills and an ensure.

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My mom a number of years ago received an email from a friend. She printed it up and left it on the counter. I must have read it a thousand times. I don't even think I was dating anyone at the time, but this made such an impression on me, that years later I remember it, and I have to share it.

_____________________________________________________

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."...

"We're taking a survey", she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby ?". 'It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations." But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?"

That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her! That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.

She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma.

That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that rest room.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.

That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honour. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.

I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

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I can't bleive my baby is seven weeks old today. All I can think is how much I want the past seven weeks back. He is wonderful now, he's beginning to coo more and more, he's alert, he is trying to giggle and its all such a wonderful stage, but with this comes the sadness of knowing that he's growing up and he won't be so little much longer. Before I know it, he will be crawling, walking, running, and heading off to college.
As I watched cheaper by the dozen the other night, something Steve Martin said hit me so hard. "Five minutes ago she was sitting on my shoulders pointing at cows in Mungers field"
"and then you blinked"
"no more blinking"
Thats what I'm at right now. No more blinking. I'm afraid of missing it. It's already going by way too fast. I miss my little tiny baby boy. I do look forward to whats to come, but the fact that he's doing so much now and he will never be little again, scares me.

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I think we finally figued out this sleeping thing, whatever it is. It's working. We started feeding him in our arms, but towards the end of the feeding, when there is only two ounces left, we put him in the crib, hold the bottle and let him finish it that way, most the time he falls asleep while still drinking the bottle and this way, since he's already down, we don't disturb him putting him in his crib. It's working wonders and we've gottne two good nights sleep.

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DH and I got in our first big fight tonight since the baby. Patrick's been sleeping most the evening as well as a lot of the late afternoon so I was trying to wake him up so he'll sleep tonight. Well DH said that it wouldn't make a difference. I said I didn't want to be up all night. DH didn't say anything but he got all surly and angry looking. So about 20 minutes later I asked him what was wrong. He told me that I wasn't the only one who sacraficed sleep. He said he stayed up till 11:00 every night and sometimes got up at 5 a.m with him. I said I stay awake a lot more often than not, and most the time he will eat around 9:00 and not wake up till 1:00 and then again at 4:30 so really I'm doing two middle of the night feedings and he's not doing anything, so what difference does it make to him if I wake him up now. At least he'll be in a good mood because he got plenty of sleep. DH said I was over reacting and a lot of other stuff and I put Patrick in the middle of the fight and grabbed the keys and tried to grab the baby but he threw me away from the baby and compared me to his ex-wife. That made me furious. I refuse to hit him, but I was so close. If I wasn't trying so hard to control my temper, I probably would have hit him, and not a little slap either. I was soooooo angry. We worked it out, and I think the hours we do in the night may get adjusted a little bit, but I hated being compared to that B*tch of his ex-wife. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired

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Well I guess that fight must have done something because DH has been so good since then. Even if its not his "shift" he offers to get up. So do I. I'm thinking if he could take the later at night shift and I could get up early in the morning it might work better for us. Not that I'm hoping he won't start sleeping longer and better soon, but then I know teething will begin and he won't be sleeping through the night anymore. I need a bottle of brandy, and I don't know whether its more to numb his gums, to put him to sleep, or to numb my ears. I'm not looking forward to that stage, but meanwhile I'm enjoying him where he is.
Patrick really is a wonderfully good baby. He doesn't cry and scream a lot. He does have his days, like yesterday, but it turns out it was a cold. Yes my poor little baby is sick. I don't like having him sick. It makes me feel so helpless. He basically has been sleeping since 6:30 last night and its 10:30 now. He slept really good last night, not all night, but still good. He woke up at 10:30 for his bottle and wante to play till 11:30 but considering how long he'd been asleep, the fact that he was only up for one hour was a miracle. At 4:30 he was up again, but he went right back to sleep. He did wake up at 6:30 but according to DH he just needed to be burped and he was out before he was even fully awake. I had to wake him up to get him dressed because he was in a sleep sack and I can't go in the carseat in that. But he went back to sleep as soon as the car started moving and he's been asleep ever since. I am hoping he's just getting over whatever it was that was bothering him yesterday.
Yesterday was kind of a rough day. He screamed, he wimpered, he wasn't happy unless he was being held. I missed my adorably sweet baby, but at the same time, I got to hold my tiny little boy all day again, and those days are getting more and more rare.
1. Because he isn't so tiny anymore
2. Because he's becoming more and more independent and doesn't want to be held 24/7. When that stage was here, I would have done anything for five minutes to myself without him being in a sound sleep, now I'd do anything to be able to hold him for 15 minutes wihtout the wiggling starting which seems to say put me down and let me play.

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No more going to bed early. Thats it. Final Decision. This child was definitely not made for an early bedtime. At least, not yet. He fell asleep once again and 6:30 and because DH and I were both feeling... more frisky than usual, we let him sleep. Well then he was up half the night, and guess who was up with him? Moi. Yep, me. Oy vey. If he wouldn't be so needy in the middle of the night, it wouldn't be that bad. During the day he's a very independent baby. He likes to be in his swing and packnplay. He doesn't want to be held 24/7 and as much as I like holding him, I like having him be independent too because it means I can do things, like be on here, or clean my house (yeah right, like that ever gets done). But at night, its a completely different story. He wants to be held, he wants to be rocked, he wants to be walked, he wants his butt to be patted, and it's flat out exhausting.
So last night from 2:30 till 5:00 I walked and I rocked and I patted the butt until he was finally calm enough to put into his crib. He still didn't sleep, but at least he wasn't crying. I heard him talking on the monitor for a half hour. At 5:30 he began crying. DH got up, but all he did was stick the pacifier back in his mouth and come back to bed. Come 6:00 guess whose wide awake and hungry. I'll give you a clue, it wasn't me and it wasn't DH either. I listened to him scream for two minutes before I finally started getting out of bed. DH said he'd do it, but by then, I was already out of the bed and halfway to the door. What was the point? It's just frustrating.
At least I got to bed early last night again. But its not as if DH was up all night with him either. He was asleep at 10:30. I know he was because I woke up at 10:30 to get a drink of water and he was sitting there snoring louder than a hacksaw. So annoying. One of these days, the baby will start sleeping through the night, thats some consolation, but I know when that happens, my timer will start going off for another baby. So much for ever sleeping again. Like I said, I'm surviving.... somehow.

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I'm still exhausted. I think its something other than the baby. I think I better check on that anemia test the doctor ordered. I'm sooo tired. DH took Patrick all night last night. Not that the baby was up much according to him, I wouldn't know, I was out like a light. But here it is, not five hours later, and I'm still completely exhausted. I don't understand this.

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I found another wonderful thing. Dishwashers. He was acting hungry so I gave him his bottle, he ate one ounce and fell asleep. I know full well that if I put him down, he'll wake up. He has done this probably 7 times already this morning. Feed, fall asleep, put him down, SCREAM!!! Its a well known routine. So since the dishwasher was running, I placed his carseat in front of that and put him in there. One hour later and he's still sleeping. Life is good when baby sleeps. I have some time to myself to breathe, to do little things, and to relax.

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I had talked to my friend "D" about watching Patrick six months ago when she decided to be a sahm to her two and soon to be three children. Well last week she cancelled on me. She said she just couldn't run her husbands business from home, take care of the kids, and have an extra baby. Well that, to say the least "totally sucked". So I started looking at infant day cares. I found one that took infants nearby and I know by reputation and I made an appointment for today. I called because life with a baby is hectic and I couldn't remember whether the appt was for 9:30 or 10:30, thats when I found out, the one I made the appointment for, doesn't take infants. There is another one near where DH works which would be good that could possibly take him but they want you to make an appointment at least one day in advance. That could be a problem. I have to take care of my grandfather the other four days a week. I only have Wednesdays to myself.
I called them but the director wasn't in yet. So I get to call yet again in a few minutes to see if they can squeeze me in to meet them later on today. I had my whole day planned, and now, its all gone to pieces. What a mess. One thing I will say, being a mom is NEVER boring.

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Thats it. I'm not sending him to daycare. Not for a while at least. That place was horrible. It was disgusting. It was not fit for my child thats for sure. I walked in and I walked all the way to the back without anyone stopping me. Then when I finally met the director she didn't ask me my name or his name or anything. She had me fill out a form and walked me back to the infant room. It was to put it in the words of my friends three year old "ACUSTING". Totally disgusting. The swings looked like they'd seen far too many kids. The diaper pad was ripped. The cirbs looke old and outdated like kids could have slipped through so they wrapped hard plastic around it and they wanted $393.00 a week for this place? I do not think so. That was not a place I was willing to leave my child.
My cousin is graduating HS this year and has agreed to watch him over the summer. Yay. Then when that ends my sister can watch him during college hours and Beth (my cousin) can continue to watch him in the afternoons. At least the prices will be reasonable and he'll be somewhere I trust. Either at their houses or my house. After yesterdays experience I am not willing to leave him anywhere I am unfamiliar, at least not for a few more years.

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Vaccinations are HORRIBLE. Can't they come up with a better way of doing them? Prefferably something without shots? My poor baby is sooo completely miserable. He's so sore and theres nothing else I can do but hold him and give him kisses. I gave him more tylenol but it doesn't seem to be helping him much. I wish there was something, anything I could do to help his pain. I hate seeing him like this.
On top of it, DH has got a terrible cold. So I get full time responsibility for the next week and pray to God that I don't get it. DH sounds horrible. I called him after the appointment and he sounds so stuffy and yucky. I offered to go get him and have to work only a half day but he wanted to stick it out. Probably better this way anyways. At least now he isn't infecting Patrick. I'm banishing him to our room for a few days. I'll have to take on more feedings and diaper changes but it will be worth it if I can keep Patrick from getting sick.

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I don't think I can keep Patrick from getting sick, because I can't avoid my baby. I've got it. Luckily I don't think it's as bad as DH's cold, either that or DH is a huge baby. My throat does hurt and I've got a slight congested issue going on, but it could definitely be worse. I'm hoping it doesn't get worse than this. I'd take echinechea but with my chrons disease I heard that you shouldn't so I'll stay away from that. I hope this is as bad as it gets. If it is, I'll be okay. I didn't even have to take cold pills today, thats how mild it is thus far.

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Remember how I said DH was a baby? I take that back. This thing knocked me down flat yesterday. I could barely function. I was dizzy, I felt rotten all day long, I was running a temperature, I was soooo sick. Today I'm pretty sure Patrick is showing signs of it. He's not sleeping so good and eating more than usual which is a sign that he wants to be comforted. I just finally got him out of his pyjamas but I put hinm into another sleeper. Its just easier when he's not feeling well.

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We're still all under the weather but beginning to show signs of normalcy again. I didn't sleep well last night because of my cold. I was too congested to sleep. Plus I'm on my period again. Oh joy. I just finished with mine two weeks ago. I hate my body. I hate how it operates. I am seriously going to talk to my mw about new birth control and getting the depo shot. I just can't handle the periods twice a month. It's ridiculous. People should not have to deal with this. I'm so tired of being anemic and sick all the time, and I'm positive the 90% of it is being n my period so often.
Patrick is gorwing faster and faster. He's almost fitting into his 0-3 month clothes all the wa. He's so long but sooooo skinny that I just laugh. I know my friends kids at 3 months were chunky little monkeys. Not this little guy. At three months he's going to look like a string bean.

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Okay I have no idea what this thing is. My husband copied it, so if I don't like it, I may delete it. Lets see.


Myspace Graphics

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Nope, cool I like it. Even though easter in just a few hours will be over.

I am sooo very tired. It was a very long easter. Sorry I haven't written in here in so long. Things have been busy. As I've said previously, life with a baby is never boring. Today was easter. We had sooo much fun. We went to DH's moms house this morning. The kids had an easter egg hunt and got wayy too much candy, mostly my fault. We dropped the kids off at home, took Patrick and went up to my moms. Patrick got soooo much stuff from my mom. She spoiled him sooo much. I'll post pics of that later. For right now, I'm too tired. It's 8:30 at night and I'm nowhere near unpacked. At least the leftovers are in the fridge.

G'night. See you later.

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I can't beleive I haven't written in here in so long. My baby boy is going to be one, and I can scarcely beleive how fast time has flown the past year. He's nearing 31 inches and is about 20 lbs. So he's still very long and very skinny. It's all about overalls for us. Everything else falls off his waist. He's constantly talking. I have no idea what he's saying but its coming almost faster than he can say it. He loves to sing, well if you can call it singing, and he loves dancing. He loves music of any kind, but if it's got a womans voice, it's fantastic. He's up and walking, almost. I guess stepping is a better word, but it's coming along. This last weekend he really just picked up walking and is now making his way across rooms. When he gets excited he tries to run, but it doesn't work quite as well. I call him baby frankenstein because he walks with his arms wide out like a little zombie, except of course that he's way cuter than a zombie. He's got eight teeth and working on at least one more, maybe more. His teeth with the exception of numbers one and two have all come in in pairs meaning they break through within two days of eachother. It does not make for fun nights. But for the most part, when he's not teething or sick, he sleeps through the night from 8:30 till about 6:30. He takes decent naps. He loves to read. He loves to cuddle for a while but then it's time to play.
Patrick really is just the love of my life. I can't even remember my life before him, nor do I want to. He just makes my life so much more wonderful than I can ever imagine.