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  1. #21
    Community Host Sapphire Sunsets's Avatar
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    *ugh*


    Jim's work is driving me batty!!

    First, they offered him the "house manager" job. Means 5/hr more then he's making now. It also means that he could be called in at ANY time. But, it would take him off overnights.

    They hired someone else for that position, and now she's leaving. So they re-offered it too him. Well, his schedule will totally mess up my schedule and i NEED at least 2 wks notice to change MY schedule.





    Still no AF. *knock on wood* For ****s and giggles i am almost tempted to buy a test.....emphasis on almost.


    I'm pretty much working this whole wkend. It sucks.

  2. #22
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    Af showed late lastnight as soon as i got home from work. Put a real kink in my plan for lastnight.

  3. #23
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    I'm going to put something in here thats extremely personal. My BIL *R* emailed me a copy of the journal he and my sister did for Brendan's pregnancy. This is there personal account.

    I'm not sure if it's going to stay or not.

    Obvisously taking names and places out.



    In loving memory of Baby Brendan ~ May 11, 2006


    The joy began on January 1, 2006 when we found out we were expecting another baby! We had been talking about a sibling for *J* and *B*, but weren’t planning to get serious until January. We had been very busy with Christmas and New Year’s Eve, so it was late on New Year’s Day that it occurred to me to take a pregnancy test. I was so surprised. It was positive! I went downstairs to the basement to share the news with *R*. We were happy, excited, shocked and anxious.

    My first doctor’s visit to confirm the news was January 12th. That was an excruciatingly long 11 days. We decided to wait to tell everyone about you until we had good news from the doctor. At that visit, we saw your heart beating for the first time. It was such a relief. I couldn’t wait to tell your grandparents about you! I shared the news with Grammy & Grampy as soon as I left the office. When I arrived in ****** **** to pick-up *B* and *J*, I showed Millie & Biggie the ultrasound picture. Everyone was so excited!! I thought it was good karma that your birthday would be near, or even the same as, Great Grandma *W*. It did make me sad to think that you would be the first great grandbaby that she didn’t hold. As your Grammy said, Great Grandma ended up holding you before I did.

    I felt great at the beginning of the pregnancy. I was playing tennis, going to the gym and taking ballroom dancing lessons with *R*. At cousin *B*’s birthday party on Sat, Jan 15th, everyone suspected that we were expecting a baby, but we waited a little longer to spread the news.

    On January 21st, I had a dentist appointment. It was a positive moment for me in the pregnancy. As always, they asked if I was pregnant. I said I was and “hoped” to have a baby in August. The dentist, Dr. *********, said that I already had a baby. I explained my miscarriages and troubles with *J* and *B* pregnancies. Dr. ******** said that every pregnancy is a baby and that I needed to have faith, not hope, that we’d hold this baby in our arms. He recited several bible passages to me and said he would see me in September with pictures of the new baby. I thought this was another positive sign that this pregnancy was going to be different. How many dentists recite bible passages to their patients! Grandma was sending me a message through my dentist. This was the pregnancy that was going to be smooth sailing.

    My next appointment with Dr. ***** was Friday, Feb 3rd. I saw another picture of your heart beating. Already, I couldn’t wait to meet you. I didn’t know yet if you were a boy or girl, but I knew I loved you. I had already started talking about names. We talked about Grace for a girl and Thomas Richard for a boy. Why is your name Brendan, then? That comes later.

    Starting at around 9 weeks, I had my first signs that things weren’t going well. I started spotting. I went in for ultrasounds and we saw your beating heart. It made me so happy that you were OK. Seeing your heart beating made me so happy. It was around then that Dr. ***** said I should stop all exercise. On February 16th, I had an 11 week ultrasound to check for Down’s Syndrome and Trisomy 13/18. Everything looked great. At each ultrasound, we saw more of you. By 11 weeks, it was the beginnings of your arms and legs – just amazing.

    On March 3rd, I had what should have been another routine doctor’s appointment. Instead, Dr. ***** said my cervix had shortened and I needed a cerclage, right away. On Tuesday, March 7th, they did another ultrasound just to check you out and did my pre-op testing. On Wednesday, March 8th, the cerclage was done. It was a one day procedure. I had a spinal block like I did with *B*. It was quick. The longest amount of time was recovering from anesthesia. During the recovery, your Dad and I joked that you were absolutely the last baby. Grammy & Grampy, of course, came down to stay with us.

    While all of this was going on, we found out that many people were expecting babies around the same time you were due. It was so exciting to think about September when you’d be here. *J* would be starting Kindergarten at (name of school) and taking the bus. That meant you, *B* and I could hang in our jammies and play all day if we wanted to! I was really looking forward to all of the fun things we could plan to do together. And, as we got to 13 and 14 weeks, we started to tell everyone we were expecting you.

    It was around then that we all started to worry about you arriving too early. *J* and *B* both spent several weeks in the NICU. It would be wonderful if you arrived on time, but I was prepared to do whatever was necessary to get you home to us. That meant cancelling several travel plans and laying low. I was mentally preparing for extended bed rest as well as another trip to the NICU. Everyone was secretly keeping count to 24 weeks. If we could get to 24 weeks, you’d be born breathing with a real shot at surviving. I knew in the end it would all be worth it to have you in our arms. I couldn’t wait to meet you, to see who you looked like, what your personality was going to be like. I was so excited to see *J* and *B* play with you.

    *J* was very excited about the arrival of his baby brother or sister. He talked about you at school and to all of his friends. *J* hugged my tummy every day and talked to you. Once you were getting bigger, *B* started to point to my tummy and say “baby in there.”

    After the cerclage was done, Millie & Biggie made a point of keeping *J* and *B* occupied. I really enjoyed the time we spent at their house playing. It was Spring, and we spent many afternoons hanging out in the backyard at (address). Millie always had projects ready for all of us, as well as a yummy dinner. This was also the most excitement I saw because we cancelled most of our weekend plans. It was time to rest, relax and stay off my feet to ensure your safe arrival at the end of August.

    I wore maternity clothes for the first time to L ******* birthday party.It was fun to be out and to be noticeably pregnant. C remembered the shirt from when I was pregnant with *B*.
    The next big outing where everyone commented on my pregnancy was an IHM meeting in April. I had on a great pink tunic shirt that I loved and was lent to me by N* I wore that shirt a lot. One night we went to dinner at (place) other pregnant friend was there also in clothes from *N*.

    On March 31st, my neighbors K and R had a wonderful lunch for me. They were both expecting babies, too, but they were so concerned about me. All of us pregnant ladies and our toddlers had a great lunch and great desserts. It was a wonderful afternoon. I was really looking forward to walks and lunch dates once we were all new Moms again.

    April started out as a relatively normal month. We had fun dates with family and friends. We all went to see the circus at Madison Square Garden with Uncle K, Aunt P, B and M. After the circus, we had a great dinner then wandered over to see the firetrucks at a nearby firehouse. We have a wonderful picture of the B, M, J & B on the firetruck. It was exciting to think that soon there would be another smiling face to add to the gang of cousins. We also went into NYC with the *********** for dinner and a fun show.It was fun to talk about the new baby and how our lives will be changing soon.

    April 15th was the Mother’s Club East Egg hunt. I was definitely looking pregnant so it was nice to start talking more about your arrival with friends. We had such a nice day at *** *****.The weather was perfect, J and B had a blast picking up eggs filled with candy and I just felt so happy. My family of four was going to grow by one more. In just a few days we would find out if you were a boy or a girl. Everyone seemed to have an opinion and was convinced they were right. Just as long as you arrived safely and healthy, I didn’t care. That weekend was also Easter Sunday. Aunt K came for a visit to celebrate. We had fun, as always, but it was sad not having Grandma with us. For years, we traveled to Philadelphia to spend Easter with Grandma and Aunt K. I also remember being in church on Easter Sunday. I saw a mother walk in with her three sons, about ages 10 to 15. I couldn’t help but think that might be me some day -- three handsome boys!

    April 18th, the day of my level II ultrasound, finally arrived. I was almost 20 weeks. *R*and I went into the ultrasound room with different levels of anxiety. Always the optimist, I was sure everything was going to be alright and I was laughing and excited and full of energy. *R*was very tense and anxious in the days leading up to the ultrasound but even more so while we were waiting in the exam room. Something always seemed to go wrong during a pregnancy. I was convinced this time everything had to be normal. *R*was worried.

    The first part of the exam went great. You were a perfect size and we found out that you were another fabulous little boy. I could picture you in my mind. It is amazing how the brain and imagination work. Within seconds of hearing that you were a boy, I had pictured the rest of my life with you and J and B. The ultrasound technician left the room to get the doctor. I remember telling R, “See, relax, everything is going to be OK.” R said “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

    The other shoe did drop. The doctor informed us that the baby looked great but there was one concern, a two vessel umbilical cord, or single umbilical artery (SUA). I also had a slightly elevated risk for Trisomy 13/18 based on my ultrascreen test results. The dream of a normal, uneventful pregnancy vanished. We were once again rushing to see specialists and have more tests done. The biggest risk at this point was that a SUA can be seen with other developmental abnormalities. Based on our experience with B, we knew we had a long road ahead of us. We also decided that doing an amniocentesis to rule out Trisomy 13/18 or Down’s Syndrome was out of the question. The risk of miscarriage based on my history was too great. We also knew that any abnormality did not matter. We already loved you. You were already here and part of our lives.

    I spent the next few days searching the internet for information about single umbilical artery.

    About 1 percent of singleton and about 5 percent of multiple pregnancies have an umbilical cord that contains only two blood vessels, instead of the normal three, as one artery is missing. The cause of this abnormality is unknown. If an ultrasound examination shows that the baby appears to have no other abnormalities, the baby is likely to be born healthy.

    However, studies suggest that about 25 percent of babies with single umbilical artery have birth defects, including chromosomal and/or other abnormalities. A woman whose baby is diagnosed with single umbilical artery during an ultrasound examination may be offered prenatal testing using ultrasound evaluation of the fetal heart and amniocentesis to diagnose or rule out chromosomal abnormalities. Even if the baby does not appear to have birth defects, the pregnant woman will probably be monitored carefully for the remainder of the pregnancy because of a somewhat increased risk of poor fetal growth, preterm delivery and stillbirth.

    The increased risk of preterm delivery combined with the incompetent cervix further raised concerns about your early arrival. I desperately wanted to avoid another stay at the NICU. I dreamed of giving birth to a healthy baby boy that I could hold in my arms and cuddle and admire while the impact of childbirth wore off. I wanted so much to leave a hospital with my baby, not to endure the tears and agony of leaving my precious child in the care of strangers. The increased risk of stillbirth was so awful that I didn’t even consider it a possibility. Something that awful could not happen to you, to R, to J & B or to me.

    Around 20 weeks, I really started to feel your movement. One night, Rob felt you kick for the first time. You were excited about my ice cream dessert and brownie chaser. We started to fall into a pattern of feeling you move in the morning. As soon as you heard J and B voices in our room, you would wake-up and start to kick. You already recognized the sounds of your brothers’ voices and wanted in on the fun. How crazy life was going to be with my three little boys!

    Over the next few days, everyone reassured me that you were fine. This was just another example of doctors having to share too much information, CYA, etc. My fears and anxiety were eased on April 27th when we went to the Center for Perinatal Pediatrics in NYC. We met with a genetics counselor. Then, there was a detailed, top to bottom scan of every inch of your adorable body. You were perfect! There was one minor issue we were going to follow-up on with the kidneys. The next stop was a fetal echo-cardiogram. Again, your heart was working exactly as it was supposed to work. The best part of the fetal echocardiogram was seeing you move on the monitor then nano-seconds later feeling the kick or punch. The doctor even asked us to be included as a “normal” example in a research study he was conducting.

    We were thrilled! It looked like the worst was behind us. We had a tremendous sense of relief. Everything was fine, the world was good and we were expecting you sometime in the next few months. I started to let myself think even more about the future. I like to plan, so the next few years were all worked out. I would have one year at home with just you and Bobby while Jack was off at kindergarten. As you turned one, Bwould be starting school at (name of school).You would be big enough for playdates, Little Gym, Music Together and the playground.

    May 1, 2006 would be the last time I heard your heart beat. I had an 8:15 am appointment with Dr. N********We listened to your heart beat for a few minutes, he checked my cervix, did a measurement and sent me on my way. All was well with this pregnancy. It was amazing to me when was born that it was possible to love two people that much. Now, my heart had room for three little boys. My three little boys were all I dreamed about day and night.

    The next week was pretty uneventful. We had Little Gym, playdates, and a visit with Millie and Biggie. Saturday, May 6th was a busy day. C, L and I came to visit for the night. Everyone walked down to the SCA fair. I stayed behind to rest. Sunday morning we had breakfast then I took Bobby for a birthday party at the J house. It was at home when all was quite that I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I felt you move. I became completely focused on you and your movements.

    Monday morning came and I didn’t feel the usual morning routine of kicks and excitement. I was concerned, so I drank juice and laid on my side. I thought I felt movement. Everything you read also says that 23 weeks is too early to feel daily movement. I tried not to worry. Tuesday came and again, I thought I felt movement but wasn’t 100% positive. Now, that one sentence kept creeping into my brain, “increased risk of stillbirth”. I went on the internet to read about stillbirth and read the signs. Everything seemed to indicate that unusual patterns of movement were not abnormal at this stage of the pregnancy.

    Maybe subconsciously I already knew what had happened. Wednesday morning, May 10th, I decided to call the doctor’s office. I explained my concerns and they instructed me to come in for a quick heart beat check to put my mind to rest. J needed to get off to school, so R stayed at home and I went to see the nurse. When I arrived, the nurse used the Doppler to hear the heart beat. She wasn’t able to find it but explained that she wasn’t very good at using the machine and maybe we should just do an ultrasound.

    It was like someone tightened the anxiety screw in my stomach a few notches. I tried to stay calm. Everything had to be fine. My mind always seems to assess every possible outcome when a situation arises. In this case, I just kept telling myself that I was too far along to lose a baby. The nurse did an ultrasound and seemed to struggle to find a heartbeat. I saw you on that screen and knew that something was wrong. There was no movement and I had seen enough ultrasounds to recognize a normal heart beat. The nurse again said she wasn’t an expert and let’s just have the doctor take a look.

    I was moved into another exam room. While waiting for Dr. S*****
    I was on the verge of tears. What if something had gone wrong. As quickly as I thought the worst, I reminded myself that the worst could not possibly happen. I needed to be calm and wait for the doctor.

    I will never forget the look on Dr. S*****face as she searched and searched and searched for a heart beat. I knew from watching her go from concerned to eyes filling with tears that my world had ended. She couldn’t speak, she just shook her head no. As she regained composure and I fell apart, she looked for Dr. R******to confirm what she suspected. You had died. Based on your measurements, they suspected you had died sometime over the weekend.

    Everyone was so nice and very understanding. They moved me to an office so I could make the hardest phone call of my life. I called R and could barely get out the words. He was devastated. R still had B, so he came to the doctor’s office with him. While we waited for Millie and Biggie to pick-up B, B managed to touch and move everything in the doctor’s office. It was strangely comforting to have him there causing trouble when I thought my world was ending. I guess he was the reminder that it couldn’t end.

    When we left the office, we were told that I would be scheduled for an induction that night. That meant we had almost 8 hours before going to the hospital. I couldn’t even begin to think about what would happen at the hospital, so I started focusing on what I could do. I called funeral homes and cemeteries to find out what options were available to us. We also called (name of church)to get the priests advice on what we should do.

    I also had three more people to talk to and I was dreading those conversations. I needed to call Grammy and Grampy and I needed to tell J. What was so hard was that by telling them, I knew your death was a reality and it made it seem final. I spoke to my Dad first. He was shocked and crushed. My Mom wasn’t home. She called me back later and I told her what had happened. My Mom and Dad were immediately in their car on their way to help my family and me through another crisis.

    J was dropped off from school. I think he was surprised to see R, Millie and Biggie there. Grammy and Grampy may even have arrived by then, too. R and I were dreading telling J that the baby brother he was so excited about had gone Heaven. We didn’t even understand why this had happened, how was a four year old going to understand? J has always been treated as such a big boy. He seemed to understand that Mommy and Daddy were sad but he didn’t understand why his long anticipated baby brother was not going to be arriving at the end of the summer. J asked many basic questions about death that we really had a difficult time answering. He was so looking forward to your arrival.

    I also spoke with Sara who told me what to expect and some ideas of things to do. The best piece of advice she gave me was to not take any drugs that would cloud my memory of the delivery. As difficult as it was going to be, she assured me that I would want to remember it later. It would be one of my most significant memories of Brendan.

    We also needed to decide on your name. Your Dad and I had been discussing names but hadn’t decided on anything. Thomas Richard was the lead name. We looked on the internet for names of Saints for ideas. Brendan is Biggie’s middle name and it also means sword. I liked the idea of you up in Heaven with a big sword, protecting all of us from evil.

    As the time to go to the hospital for the induction and delivery drew near, I was becoming increasing more fearful and afraid. It wasn’t the physical pain that I was afraid of, it was the heartbreak. I could not imagine how I could survive delivering a baby that was not breathing, a baby that I would never hear cry, a baby that I would never take home or nurse or cuddle or stare at and hold for hours. I was afraid that the pain of losing you would be more than I could bear and my heart would be broken for an eternity.

    Except for one minor incident, everyone at (name of hosp)hospital where you were delivered was so nice. Unfortunately, I was placed on the Labor and Delivery floor. It was excruciating to hear the wails of new babies entering the world. I was so happy for the mothers but so envious, too. I was happy they were not experiencing the grief and pain that I was going through but I so desperately wished that you would cry when you were born, too. A resident gave me medicine to start the labor process. I was told it would probably take 24 -48 hours but it could also take days. R was by my side the entire time. Your father is an amazing person. I wish you could have met him.

    The nurse offered me some drugs to help ease my anxiety and fear. I was also offered an epidural. I declined both and explained to the nurse why I was so afraid. I was so afraid of how sad I was going to be when I delivered you. I knew that it was going to be more awful than anything I could possibly imagine.

    I finally did take some medicine to help me sleep. It was a strange sleep. I felt like I was drifting into a hole and I wasn’t going to be able to get out. It got harder and harder to open my eyes and talk. I remember Dr. K****coming in to check on me before he went off-duty. I could barely focus on him and speak. There was nothing I could do to stop losing you.

    On May 11, 2006 at 7:58 am, you born. You weighed one pound and were 11 ½”. We named you Brendan S. You were a very good size for 23 weeks. As soon as your body arrived in this world, I had to hold you. The doctor placed your body on my stomach while we waited for the after birth. The combination of heart ache and joy is difficult to explain. There are no words to describe how devastating it was to hold your lifeless body, but I also had immense joy in finally seeing you, in finally seeing the little body that was growing in mine for six months.

    Strangely enough, you were the one baby that I delivered and actually got to hold and explore. J and B were both whisked away to the NICU minutes after their birth. I was able to hold and admire you. Your skin was still warm from being in the womb. Your mouth and eyes were slightly open and it looked like you would cry or gasp any second.

    I checked your fingers and your toes. Your fingers were long and elegant and your feet were absolutely adorable. Teeny, tiny but absolutely perfect little baby feet. They had crinkles and creases and were so small. Your face was similar to B and J but I think more like B. Your eyes were wide-set and big, your nose was a little flat like mine and your mouth was one of an angel. You had the tiniest little tongue. What I remember most is your legs. You had the most beautiful legs I have ever seen. They had the most exquisite curve at the calf. I could just imagine those long, strong legs carrying you through life.

    Your delivery went better than the doctors expected. Once everything was done, the nurse took you away to weigh, measure and dress you. She also took some pictures for us to keep. She tried to do your hand and footprints in a baby kit I had, but you were too small. The nurse dressed you and brought you back to the delivery room for your Dad and I to hold you and spend time with you. We called your grandparents so they could come to the hospital to see you and be there for the blessing by the priest.

    Holding a stillborn baby is an extremely difficult experience. I was surprised that all four of your grandparents insisted on holding you and talking to you. You are so loved. When I think of how loved you are, I can’t imagine why God decided to take you from us. It still makes no sense to me. The priest came and gave a blessing while all of us were there. It was a nice way to honor your life with us.

    After a while, Grammy, Grampy, Millie and Biggie said their final good-byes. You have two tough guys for Grandfathers. I am so happy that I got to share you with them. As tough as they are, they love their grandbabies, and they love you so very much. On the other hand, you have two Grandmothers that are just mush when it comes to babies. It was heartbreaking to see their tears and see them holding you, knowing how much they were grieving for you and worried about your dad and I, their own babies.

    After everyone left, it was just you, your Dad and me, and it was time for us to say good-bye. I knew it was time to give you back when your warmth was gone and your skin started looking so fragile. In some ways, it wasn’t unusual for me to deliver a baby but leave the hospital without one. I also think that I kept hoping that some miracle would occur and you would start breathing. I tried hard not to think about the next physical steps you would go through and tried unsuccessfully to remind myself that you were already in Heaven and not trapped in you body.

    Honestly, I don’t even remember leaving the hospital. I don’t remember coming home and I don’t remember what I did the rest of the day Thursday and Friday. I know at some point that I collected items to be buried with you. I wrote you a letter, found a teddy bear to keep you company and included a picture of your family. I remember that Rob went to (name of cemetary)to see where you would be buried and thought it was a peaceful location. I also know that Grammy and I went to the (name of floral shop) to buy a small white cross made of flowers to put on your grave.

    The internment was on Saturday, May 13th, the day we had schedule B second birthday party. B party was scheduled for the 13th because Mother’s Day was on Sunday. Your Dad and I drove with Grammy and Grampy to the cemetery. The drive was an eternity. It was a gray, cloudy, rainy day. I couldn’t believe that it was all actually happening. I had just been pregnant and full of anticipation and now it was over and we were driving to a cemetery. I told Grammy that I didn’t think I could get out of the car and see my precious baby be buried in the ground. I was convinced once again that I was going to die from sadness and heart break.

    I was touched by how many people were there and wanted to be there with us. We are so fortunate to have so many wonderful friends. We decided to keep the ceremony at the cemetery very small, so it was Grammy and Grampy, Millie and Biggie, Aunt L, Uncle K, Uncle M and Aunt A, Uncle J and Aunt B and Aunt M and J. M and Aunt P stayed at the house with the kids. We met everyone in the parking lot and we talked to the priest. I couldn’t stop crying. I just couldn’t believe what was actually happening. For the past several days, I expected to wake-up from this terrible nightmare.

    Instead of waking up, we drove up to the gravesite to see a tiny white casket and several chairs. There you were -- no longer with me, but in a tiny white casket. I vaguely remember the words the priest said. None of them brought me comfort or peace. I felt awful for leaving you there. Those were the saddest days of my life.

    We all miss you. J talks about his baby brother Brendan constantly. J loves babies and is still upset that you are in Heaven. Our lives are completely different without you here. There is a person missing from our lives, a person that will never be replaced. Even though you were with us for six months, you will live in our hearts for always. I remember your kicks upon hearing your brothers’ voices and imagine my three little boys growing up together.

    I love you so very much. I hope you feel that everyday. Every night I sleep with a teddy bear that holds your picture and think that some day, I’ll get to hold you in my arms again. I miss you. I love you.



    Not Here

    I wake every morning and reach for you.
    I feel your kicks and hear your heart beating.
    You are not here.

    I walk by your room and the empty crib.
    I’ve planned the first hours, days and years.
    You are not here.

    I hold the baby shoe that says your name.
    I’m crying at the gravesite for Brendan.
    You are not here.

    You are not here
    You are an angel in Heaven with God.

  4. #24
    Community Host Sapphire Sunsets's Avatar
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    Why do i keep making same mistake over and over again?

    I'm obvisuosly awake because DH is at work. This is my normal at this point. I stay awake till about 3am or later and wake back up at 6:30am to get *J* ready and off to school. He is usually gone by 7:30am. Sometimes, *M* is awake by then.....if he isn't, i lay back down. While *M* is at school from 12pm-2:30pm i lay down, most of the time with DH. Then, if i have to work that night i am usually in the shower by 4pm and leaving the house by 5pm (but that changed, i can't clock in 1/2 hr early anymore. ) I get home around 10:15pm and DH jumps into the car and leaves for work till 9am the next morning. It's a sucky cycle! I can't wait to see what happens with this house manager job. Maybe, then we could hire someone to watch them a few hr's mon-thurs. I'm going to try to change my schedule at that point to mostly days.



    Anyways, geez. Tired = rambly. AF in building = horny *****


    get to the freaking point; So, anyways. I was sitting here thinking about how i've made some REALLY REALLY stupid decisions/choices about guys.

    example 1) *E*. Lord help me if he still reads my posts here. Bad, bad choice.

    In high school, my best friend was a guy named Jared. We were ****ing perfect for each other. Every time we would discuss dating each other we always both agreed that our friendship was much more important. We got each other through alot.

    *E* and I were together almost over 1 yr before anything sexual ever happened with Jared. It was weird. I haven't heard anything from him in god knows how long now. Last i knew he was marrying someone. Yes, i did find him in CT a few yrs ago (2?) and listened to there answering machine.



    Example 2) "trickyrick" *sigh*. Too much bad blood right from the get go. He hurt me in ways that i couldn't even tell DH about until recently and it's been like 11 yrs.

    During "trickyrick" , i would see other people. Rick always told me he didn't want another marriage or more kids. Well, both things i wanted at that point. I met another guy named Rick. Want to confuse the hell out of your parents? Date 2 guys named rick. My poor dad.
    Anyways, this "other" rick was the COMPLETE opposite from "trickyrick". Had already been married, but wanted kids. His first wife didn't.

    Brillant me, decides to NOT give this other rick a real chance.

    This is the kind of **** that makes me wonder how my life would have been if i had made completely different choices then i did.




    Now, me and DH?

    where to friggin start? I'll get there someday. I'm not ready to put it all into words right now.

  5. #25
    Community Host Sapphire Sunsets's Avatar
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    Life can't be flipping simple ONCE? Thats all i freakin ask.

    Apparently since we made a payment(on the 18th) to the cable company they decided (without telling us or getting our authorization) to put us on the "auto pay" program.

    So, they took $132.93 out of our bank account last tuesday(the 22nd). We've been told SEVERAL times already that it would be back in our account by today. Well guess what? It's NOT, and they are conveintally(sp?) closed today.

    Oh, but that was after some woman told me they would credit to our account with them. Yeah, i think NOT! That money was already allocated for stuff and we already have $70.00 (as of NOW) in overdraft charges they AREN"T going to reimburse us for. If the money is not in our account by tomorrow we are going down in the afternoon. Expect DH to be arrested.



    I'm starting to get really concerned about DH's health again. He's been complaining about not feeling "right" for about a week now.

  6. #26
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    Stupid cable finally put our money back in yesterday. I'm canceling DSL with them next wk and once the Soprano's end we will cancel the movie channels.




    It's been a hellish few hrs.

    I drove DH to work lastnight. There was a deer laying in my lane. Thank GOD i could get into the breakdown lane to get around it.

    This morning, i leave to pick him up. Got stuck in the typical traffic trying to get to 495. I get almost there and hit more traffic. Thought nothing of it.....till, i see TONS of cops, ambulances, firetrucks, and a life-flight helicopter. I know that accident will be on the news tonight (or this afternoon). I saw a least one dead body on the ground. Not fun.

    Then, i get to the "house" where DH works. The bus hadn't picked up the clients yet, so they were still there. There is one of them *N* that i know can be agressive. I get to the front door and he's trying to get out the front door to me. He went after DH several times before i had even got there, broke the glass door of the entertainment center and whipped a GLASS paperweight out of his room. Anyways. I'm sitting on the arm rest of one of the chairs and DH was in the chair. Within a matter of seconds *N* was trying to get at me. DH was holding him off with one arm. I was yelling for *J* (another employee who was in the kitchen) ...so *J* came running and put a lock hold on *N*'s arms.


    I think i've had more then enough excitement for today.

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    Add more hellish crap.


    We were *ahem* earlier this afternoon and DH's phone starts going off. I got up after and checked it. It was *W* (son of his ex before me)....we both knew it wasn't good. *N* passed away lastnight. They are doing something to celebrate her life this wkend. I've already called in to work and told them to take me off of Saturday.


    Speaking of work! I have 2 (as of now) interviews next wk. Both for completely different things. I know the one on Monday pays more....but the stress factor could be an issue.

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    Default Tummy rub?

    Well Well Well Look at who I found...... Shoot me an e-mail and we will talk more.... ( cant believe I remembered my log in for this site...

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    Default Re: Tummy rub?

    Quote Originally Posted by boss3514v
    Well Well Well Look at who I found...... Shoot me an e-mail and we will talk more.... ( cant believe I remembered my log in for this site...

    So weird! I was just thinking about ya the other day.

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    My interview went good today. I should hear something in a few days.

    Stupid blippin rain does nothing to help my mood!


    Another EDD annvi of Zachary's. It didn't really hit me till i was filling out and signing papers today before my interview. It's just so strange to finally be at this point. Time does heal all wounds. It still hurts, just not as freshly as it used to. I can get through the annvi dates now without having my own personal flip out.


    I can't believe it's going to be 10 yrs married soon!

    As per usual, DH has to mention having another baby. I told him i've been considering being a surrogate carrier.....i just can't have another baby for myself ever. He wants to put away $10/wk so we can pay to get the reversal done. Nope. Not gonna happen. The ligation surgery and recovery were complete hell....i'd expect a reversal surgery to be MUCH worse! He doesn't want me to consider doing the surrogate thing cause he's scared of both of us becoming attached to the baby and wanting to keep it. I know i could handle my emotions. I know i don't want another baby of my own. DH probably wouldn't be able to handle it. We'll keep the discussion open.

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