Taking back my life.

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Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672
Taking back my life.

Thats right,

I'm taking back my life. I'm getting rid of all the negative crap (and PEOPLE) in it.

I've been working my ass off lately. I've been trying to figure out a way to get the CNA training without having to pay $$ we just don't have right now.

I'm tired of getting screwed all the time. I'm tired of being the ONLY one who gives a shit about myself when i care more about others well-being then my OWN. That is SO done.

Jim is still doing overnights.

oh wait, i should probably mention he's no longer the Manager at the liquor store. That all changed the end of Nov. He's a resident counseler ATM. It's too much personal info and crap to even put in everything that went down since then. It would literally take several hours to type everything out.

*J* is doing awesome in school. He's made so much progress!

*M* is doing awesome in school too.

They are both supposed to be in going into the summer school program this yr.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2007/04/08/a_wanted_child/

A Wanted Child
A NEW RECOMMENDATION CALLS FOR PRENATAL DOWN SYNDROME SCREENING FOR ALL PREGNANT WOMEN - THE CHANGE HAS ONE MOTHER TOUCHED BY AUTISM REFLECTING ON HER CHOICE.
By SUSAN SENATOR | April 8, 2007

"It is part of being human to wonder how our lives could have been different, if only this or that had not happened. As the mother of a fairly severely autistic 17-year-old, I have certainly wondered what my life would have been like without him.

Nat has not been an easy child to raise. At 3, he seemed completely withdrawn, in his own world, mesmerized by twirling string and water droplets. At 7, he stopped sleeping the night, waking up at 2 a.m. or thereabouts with loud, maniacal laughter. At 10, he was expelled from a special education program in a nearby town because he had become aggressive and unpredictable.

Knowing what I have gone through, people sometimes say to me, “Oh, he’s lucky to have you.” These well-meaning folks probably don’t realize how I hear this: that there is something essentially unlovable about Nat. What they don’t understand is that difficult does not equal unlovable.

So when I learned that the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists in January had changed its recommendations for prenatal screening for Down syndrome from pregnant women 35 and older to all pregnant women, I found myself worrying about how many otherwise “lucky” children would now never see the light of day. And what might I – an abortion-rights supporter for so long – have done had there been such a screening for autism, before I knew Nat? Now I shudder to think of it. But given that so much of what you hear in the media involves stories of struggle or horrors like the stabbing at Lincoln-Sudbury Regional High School, rather than any of the positive potential of autistic people, autism may be forever tied to tragedy. I fear what many people might do with information from an autism screening, if it existed.

Certainly many people choose not to abort a fetus with a known disability and instead prepare themselves for this child’s needs. Former Harvard academic Martha Beck wrote about her choice not to terminate her fetus with Down syndrome in the book Expecting Adam: A True Story of Birth, Rebirth, and Everyday Magic. People like Beck are not saints. However, they do seem to possess a certain basic humility – an understanding that life is not always what we expected it to be.

Not getting the life we signed on for is something that privileged, educated, technologically savvy Americans are ill-prepared for. It is intolerable, even incomprehensible, that we have to deal with something we do not want, from our appearances to our jobs to our child’s future. With enough money and time, you can change many things. You don’t like your body? Get some surgery. You want your kid to go Ivy League? Send him to prep school. And if your pregnancy screens show disability, you don’t have to suffer. And, you tell yourself, neither will this child.

When you give birth to a child with a disability, you learn – breathlessly and relentlessly – how life can be beyond your control. Things become even more complicated as the children grow into adults. Little can compare with the difficulty of living with a very autistic pubescent boy. Yet my husband and I managed. We taught Nat about privacy, and he even came up with his own term for masturbation: “making privacy”; we were so proud of him for that. Then there were the other achievements, attempted again and again, such as when he finally made a real friend, at the age of 15, or recently learned how to play on a basketball team.

Today, Nat presents a very different profile from his difficult childhood one, that of a young man who can control his impulses, attend school, and hold a job. Nat is not Harvard-bound. But he is a sweet soul and a real part of the family. Though difficult to understand, talk to, or even be around, he has taught us many times over how to be happy with even tiny triumphs. If not for Nat, I might have never learned just how hard life can be and how strong I really am.

I guess you could say I am lucky to have him."

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Hoppy Easter!

It's strange to realize how strong of a person i really am.

We had to take *M* up to the ER lastnight because of a fever we couldn't keep under control. We walked in and he projectile vomited all over me. *ick* .

I've given up on Macy's. It's like one ordeal after another with them.

Fool me once, Shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

You don't get any third tries.

First, it was calling me 15 mins after i got home from helping them with inventory and telling me they had no hours available, even though i WAS scheduled to work the next 3 days.

I went to JCPenney's cause well, you DO what you have to do when you have NO other money coming in.

Then, Macy's calls me and tells me they have hours and want me to come back. Fine, even though they are more strict about things.

Last Saturday i talked to MY manager and told her i needed to leave Tues and Wend by 10pm. Even though they wanted everyone to stay till 10:30pm to help get the store back in order after the "1 day sale" :roll: She tells me it's fine. Tuesday night i try to leave and one of the other managers and i go fight about it in front of the doors. She would not let me leave. And how exactly is it MY fucking fault that Karen didn't tell shit to anyone? Anyways. I walk back to the section i was in and find the manager of OUR floor. She says there's nothing she can do because *T* is above her. I got so fed up at that point that i walked away saying "screw this". I walk back to the doors and Tami is still there. "Oh, you were only scheduled till 10pm, you can leave.". Well, thanks. :roll: Now, that you've taken 15-20mins of the TIME i need to get Jim to work on time.

I was scheduled on Friday. Mysteryislly(sp?) , those hours and the hours i was supposed to work the next 2 wks have disapeared into thin air and shown up on the "OPEN HOURS" schedule. Coincidence? Nope.

I don't need the stress of them pulling THIS shit. Either figure out what the hell is going on with my hours and tell me after you know or just fuck it all.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I don't know what the hell to do about Macy's.

Yesterday, Karen called me. There was some *glitch* in the system and it booted my hours into the *OPEN* section. But, "we still want you" :roll: I'm going to stay with them ONLY because i have zilch lined up right now. I have a bunch of applications out and am waiting to hear from other people. $7.50/hr just ain't worth it anymore.

Jim's job was supposed to be going to days (7am-3pm, Mon-Fri) next wk. That got put on hold another MONTH. :banghead: This is going to keep screwing with my schedule. The kids BARELY see him. Hell, i barely see him. I sleep for shit when he's not home. Plus, the kids have vacation ALL next wk. Wanna guess who gets to keep them entertained and QUIET all wk? That would be be. Hopefully, the weather will be nice enough to go outside. *knock on wood*.

Zachary's 12th Angel Annvi is coming up next wk. I feel pretty non-emotional about it right now. Easter wasn't easy. It sucked being in the ER with *M* till 1am Easter morning, then when we got home i was left to stare right at Zachary's memorial shelf near our TV. I walked over and kissed the container that had held his ashes and wished him a Happy Easter.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Here.

This time of year just sucks for me.

I really hope it's nice thursday so we can do the balloon release. I have to work that night *sigh*.

I feel so unsure of myself...like i don't know how to do this even though it's been 12 yrs. I just want for this yr to be easy on me. I don't think i'd be able to handle anything major happening.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Happy 12th Birthday sweet angel Zachary.

I miss you so...

I did my *routine* of looking through all the paperwork and pic's. Jim was an ass about that. :roll: Yeah, i'm gonna make it harder on myself. I don't think so.

I wonder what you would look like. I wonder what color your eyes would be. I wonder if your hair would still be curly. How i wish i had gotten a lock of it. I would what your personality would be like.

Your little brothers are sound asleep. Your step-daddy is at work. I haven't heard from your father in months, i'm going to email him shortly to call me.

We'll see you on Saturday. We are doing the balloon release from Cape Cod. Look for them and the card we're sending.

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Joined: 05/19/02
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We didn't do the balloon release this wkend.

*M* has been sick again. He's been coming down with everything. First, it was coming down with pnemunia(sp?) ....scary as HELL! I had just driven Jim to work and was ready to go to bed. After midnight *M* starts screaming that his chest hurts. I had no clue what was going on. I pick him up and bring him into my room. He's burning up. I take his temp. Not alot of light around i looked at and thought it couldn't be right. I re-took it. Again, not alot of light. It was 105.2 then. It was 105.4 the first time. :shock: right? Holy crap! I was doing over 80 going down rt 9 with him in the car screaming about his chest. We were there a total of 5 hrs and it was *slight* pnemunia(sp?) in the left side of his chest.

Second (about a wk later) , he came down with croup...bad. Steam in the bathroom didn't help. We took him outside in the cold and stood there while he gasped for air. That sucked.

Third, this was the day/night before Easter. *J* was already sick with a cold and fever. *M* was doing good up till that afternoon. He came down with the fever and we started doing the ibu and tyn switching every 4 hrs. Well, we'd get the fever down a little then it'd spike back up. He was eating and drinking fine. Still using the potty. But, i knew from other times that ANYtime you can't keep a fever under control with med's they have to been seen ASAP. As we were driving to the ER we had to stop and get gas. Jim gets out and pumps it. He goes in to use the ATM. It's cost flipping $5 to use the ER valet. Meanwhile, sitting in the back with *M* i can tell he's gonna puke. He does this burp thing RIGHT before he pukes every time. I grabbed a plastic bag and got some of it with that. Anyways, long story short. He puked all over me as we walked into the ER and he made that burp noise. He had strep.

Now, Friday night we went out. We get home @ 1am and my mom tells us that *M* woke up about 1 hr after we had left crying and complaining about his ear. Well, now we are on Sunday(well, tech monday now) and he still has the fever that ONLY goes up at night and an explosion of ear wax. My kids both have very waxy ears. There is no clear fluid coming out or blood. He sleeps on the ear the whole night!

:banghead: Life can't be simple?

Jim needs to start his day hours. As soon as he does that i can do the CNA/HHA training at the red cross. It will still cost money but, i'm going to try to get some help with it or make a payment plan with them. It's Tues-Thurs ~ 4:30pm-9:30pm...BUT (and HUGE BUT).....when they do the clinicial wks....it's 3:30pm-9:30pm. We would need to find someone to watch *J* and *M* till Jim got out. If he gets out at 3pm....he wouldn't even make *J*'s bus.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I work so hard to contain my hurt....but what the hell,

I hate feeling miserable like this. I've been off my med's now for 2 wks? or has it been 3 wks? Not having health insurance and having just "enough" to get by and pay some bills. We still owe the fucking car insurance! Jim totaled "the grape" (his car). 2 cars totaled in 2 yrs. *YIKES*! Anyways. Now, we are down to one car again. The insurance was a thing that shouldn't have happened! We got back on masshealth in late Dec. It was a few days after christmas and i took him up to the ER. When i called and talked to someone they told me they send the "yearly eval" thing out 2 months before it's due. They resent me one. Thank GOD!

Anyways,

It's time i take care of me.

I'm going to finish the memorial project if it kills me.

I'm going to check out a school for medical assisting on Friday. Can't wait! The having to deal with blood/needles issue....i don't know....

My phones are screwed. I can call out, it won't let calls in.

Whenever Jim starts doing the day shift...i can figure something out for work and school. I've been looking at cars online. I don't know. *S* and *D* have a mini-van with the pull down screen and DVD player they are thinking of replacing. We told them to keep us in mind when they are ready to sell it. I would LOVE that van!

I'm tired. I have such a long wk next wk. Though....i'm dying cause i get to work in the jewelry dept one day!!!! If i can't be a nurse i would love to be a jeweler.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Yet again, my point is proved.

Surprised? Hardly.

Just why should i give a crap about anyone else, when no one gives a crap about me? How the hell do you undo that nurturing(sp?) thing? Cause how ever it's done....i need to learn it. I need to INSTILL this power of ME ME ME attitude. I have to care about me, i mean really it's been proved time and again that no one else really does.

Maybe this is really the end of my time on this site. I think it needs to be at this point. I still need to be able to journal though. I don't know why or how....but it helps in some way.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

We talked to *S* and *D* last night.... Dirol

They will be ready to sell the van within a MONTH! :jumpingbeans:

Come'on let THIS be the start of some good luck again!!!

We need to figure out how much it's worth and how much the repairs (all sorts of them) would cost. I'm going try to find a pic of it on kbb.com

I'm going to put off going to school again. This is what the 3rd or 4th time? :-?

It makes MUCH more sense to just wait till *M* is in full day kindy (Sept 2008). Plus, instead of just doing the CNA or MA class i can do the LPN one (HIGHER demand for right now). Not to mention, i'd feel safer there then at some class in Worc.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Here we go.

2000 Oldsmobile Silhouette Premiere

Comfortable cruising with entertainment for everyone.
Base Price $24,950
As Tested $32,325

Oldsmobile's Silhouette is a highly refined minivan. It handles well and is actually fun to hustle down a challenging road. With its long wheelbase, the Silhouette seats seven comfortably and comes with thoughtful interior touches that make trips with kids go easier. The Premieree edition features a state-of-the-art video entertainment system.

Model Lineup
Oldsmobile Silhouette is available in three models: GL, GLS and []Premieree. The GL retails for $24,990, while the loaded GLS goes for $28,640. (The short-wheelbase GS has been discontinued.) A firmer suspension with automatic leveling is a $270 option on the GLS, but is standard on the Premieree.

Silhouette Premieree, like the one we drove, retails for $31,550. It comes with a well-integrated video entertainment system for rear-seat passengers that is not available on the other models. Almost every option you can get on a Silhouette comes standard on the Premieree edition. Our test car, however, had the $195 heated front seats, a boon for chilly mornings or lower back pain. Other options are gold trim pieces for $150 and a $100 towing package that increases the pulling capability of the Silhouette from 2000 to 3500 pounds. Northerners will appreciate an engine heater that adds a mere $20.

Walkaround
Oldsmobile's minivan offers the same dimensions as the Chevrolet Venture and Pontiac Montana. All Silhouette models get two sliding passenger doors as standard equipment. Curbside doors on the GLS and Premieree Edition are power-operated, convenient for unloading the munchkins. (In the base GL, the motorized door is an option.)

Just one powertrain is available: a 185-horsepower 3.4-liter V6 attached to a four-speed automatic transmission that powers the front wheels. This type of layout is common to all the best-selling minivans. The engine sits in the usual sideways position, which allows maximum use of interior space.

Interior Features
The Silhouette is a great vehicle for big families. Extended and multi-generation family units are encouraged to enter the Silhouette, which coddles and comforts its occupants. Each seating position has been attended to with bins and cubbies and cupholders.

In the Premieree edition, there are six rear headphone jacks so Junior and Grandpa won't have to listen to the same tunes. The Premieree comes with two buckets in the front, two in the middle row, and a split bench in the third row that will hold three adults.

Head and elbow room are generous in all seats, yet tall folks' knees tend to ride high in the middle row. The middle buckets in our test minivan would not recline fully unless they were at their most forward positions, which discourages adult naptime when the van is moving. The third-row seats are perched a bit taller than the middle row, so the view forward is clear. Moms tell us that smaller children mounted at such heights are entertained -- and therefore remain quieter -- by what they can see out the windows. GL models come with mounts for three bucket seats in the middle row, allowing it to seat up to eight people. You can also get a 60/40 split bench for the middle row of the GL that carries two adults or two little ones in built-in child seats.

The seats fold and remove easily. Handy little pictograms on the frames underneath the seats instruct you how to unlatch them from the floor. They are the lightest seats in the business, so removing them is worthwhile when you need greater cargo capacity. However, they are heavy enough that an adult or strong adolescent is best entrusted with moving them across the minivan's floor and into your garage.

There's enough cargo space for six suitcases, but you'll have to use the roof rack if you want to cross the country with the six big folks that the comfortable seats invite.

Our Premieree came with smooth leather seating surfaces, but otherwise looks the same inside as the lower-line Silhouettes or the Chevrolet Venture or Pontiac Montana. The dashboard is neatly arranged, except the CD and VHS videotape players are mounted on the floor, a long reach from the driver. The gauges are easy to read, and other controls are intuitive -- once you get used to the door switches in the overhead console. The middle buckets and rear bench seats are surprisingly form-fitting even though they look like simple, flat benches.

The Premieree edition's video entertainment center consists of a 5.6-inch flat-panel color monitor screen that folds down from the ceiling behind the two front-seat occupants. About a foot behind this screen is another ceiling console that houses four separate small panels with knobs and jacks. On the far left panel are two knobs for additional rear seat heating and cooling. On the far right are controls that operate the in-dash stereo through headphones. This way the driver can cruise along in relative silence while the rear-seat passengers switch stations, or play cassettes or CDs. One panel overhead houses input jacks for Nintendo, Sega Genesis, or Sony Play Station video game machines that play on the flip-down monitor. The remaining panel contains headphone jacks and volume controls for videotapes that are played on the monitor. The tapes are inserted by the driver, but can be controlled by a remote from the rear seats.

This all sounds like complex integration, but the end result is simple: No matter where you sit, you can enjoy your own form of entertainment. All of the systems can be overridden by the boss in the driver's seat, which is helpful for parents issuing time-outs to over-enthusiastic kids.

Driving Impressions
GM's V6 engine is a powerful workhorse with good throttle response and efficiency. It produces strong low-rpm torque for quick acceleration, even when loaded down. You can feel the engine growl slightly through the steering wheel. Traction control is optional, and is a good idea for easier control in winter driving. Without traction control engaged, you can spin one front wheel during a spirited take-off. With a powerful V6 and front-wheel drive, torque steer is sometimes noticeable -- a slight tug on the steering wheel under hard acceleration. Though it works well, the output of GM's V6 is less than that available in Ford, Chrysler, Honda and Toyota minivans. The four-speed automatic is programmed to shift up as soon as possible, which improves fuel economy but makes it less fun to drive.

Oldsmobile's Silhouette does a better job of filtering road vibration than Pontiac's Montana or Chevy's Venture. Perhaps the touring tires of the Premieree we drove are tuned for less harshness. These same tires likely contribute to the Premieree feeling a little less grippy in corners; body lean is also more noticeable in the Silhouette than in the Montana.

The brake pedal of the Silhouette feels spongy, especially when you compare it to Oldsmobile's more modern sedans, such as the Alero, Intrigue, and Aurora. The anti-lock brake system, however, works well, with steady and unobtrusive feedback when it's engaged on slick surfaces

Final Word
The Oldsmobile Silhouette makes all occupants feel they have control over their personal space, with spots for drinks, trinkets, and volume controls for headphones. You could live in here if you had to, and it sometimes seems that way when you're stuck on the 405 in Los Angeles, shuttling distractible youths to after-school Tai Chi lessons.

We've driven minivans with aftermarket video and television setups, and none of them match the sound quality, picture quality, and ease of operation found in the Premieree edition. The GLS model gets most of the same equipment without the video system for $2,910 less. That makes the video system an expensive option and the Premieree Edition a relatively expensive model.

With or without video, the Silhouette is fun to drive. It rides and handles better than the previous generation of minivans from GM and is an excellent choice

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

We came to an agreement.

$250/month.

Means my checks will pay for it.

Now, Jim and I can fight about who's going to drive it. Lol If my checks are going to be paying for it...i should be the primary driver of it. Besides, the fact i'm going to have the kids during the day. Jim doesn't need the viedo system with no kids in the car.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I found the PERFECT job! :o

It's a CNA/PCA. It's near-by. It's flexible hours. They train you for free. It starts at 17/ HOUR :woohoo: I called yesterday morning. God, i hope they call me back! It would be awesome. I can do that until the LPN program starts. I could probably get some tution reimbursment.

I get to work in the jewelry dept tonight! I'm so looking forward to it.

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Joined: 05/19/02
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Lastnight was kewl! It wasn't too busy so i got to learn how they do alot in the dept. I work there again next wk.

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:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:

I got MAJOR kudo's at work.

I'm in the top 3 associates for average sales/hour!

My review is coming up soon. I'm asking for a RAISE!

I think i figured out this thing in my head.

I would anything for anyone in my power.

Now, when i need something....it feels like i'm an inconvience. Why the hell should i feel like that.

Anyways. My motto now?

When the world tries to bring me down, HAVE A NICE DAY! :fu2:

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Joined: 05/19/02
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Doing ok.

I have poison oak and/or sumac(sp?). It sucks. I felt so crappy yesterday that i called into work. Thankfully, Karen was kewl about it. I get to work the jewelry dept again tonight.

I hate masshealth. :x I went off on some guy the other day. They sent us a letter that NOW we have to prove our citizenship, identity and all this other crap. Apparently it's some law that went into effect 1 YEAR ago. :roll: The dude was an idiot. Telling me that we needed a passport to get a job. Umm, no ya don't asshat! God knows why they won't accept a ss card for citizenship.

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Joined: 05/19/02
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Here.

I missed the last 3 days i was supposed to work last wk. Stupid poison oak/sumac. It's healing now, thankfully.

AF is mia. Flipping great. I was having what felt like O cramps lastnight. Is my body that messed up? I was supposed to start already and now i feel O pains?

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Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672


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damn...

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Joined: 05/19/02
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Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
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:banghead:

*ugh*

Jim's work is driving me batty!!

First, they offered him the "house manager" job. Means 5/hr more then he's making now. It also means that he could be called in at ANY time. But, it would take him off overnights. :woohoo:

They hired someone else for that position, and now she's leaving. So they re-offered it too him. Well, his schedule will totally mess up my schedule and i NEED at least 2 wks notice to change MY schedule.

Still no AF. *knock on wood* For shits and giggles i am almost tempted to buy a test.....emphasis on almost.

I'm pretty much working this whole wkend. It sucks.

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Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Af showed late lastnight as soon as i got home from work. Put a real kink in my plan for lastnight.

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Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I'm going to put something in here thats extremely personal. My BIL *R* emailed me a copy of the journal he and my sister did for Brendan's pregnancy. This is there personal account.

I'm not sure if it's going to stay or not.

Obvisously taking names and places out.

In loving memory of Baby Brendan ~ May 11, 2006

The joy began on January 1, 2006 when we found out we were expecting another baby! We had been talking about a sibling for *J* and *B*, but weren’t planning to get serious until January. We had been very busy with Christmas and New Year’s Eve, so it was late on New Year’s Day that it occurred to me to take a pregnancy test. I was so surprised. It was positive! I went downstairs to the basement to share the news with *R*. We were happy, excited, shocked and anxious.

My first doctor’s visit to confirm the news was January 12th. That was an excruciatingly long 11 days. We decided to wait to tell everyone about you until we had good news from the doctor. At that visit, we saw your heart beating for the first time. It was such a relief. I couldn’t wait to tell your grandparents about you! I shared the news with Grammy & Grampy as soon as I left the office. When I arrived in ****** **** to pick-up *B* and *J*, I showed Millie & Biggie the ultrasound picture. Everyone was so excited!! I thought it was good karma that your birthday would be near, or even the same as, Great Grandma *W*. It did make me sad to think that you would be the first great grandbaby that she didn’t hold. As your Grammy said, Great Grandma ended up holding you before I did.

I felt great at the beginning of the pregnancy. I was playing tennis, going to the gym and taking ballroom dancing lessons with *R*. At cousin *B*’s birthday party on Sat, Jan 15th, everyone suspected that we were expecting a baby, but we waited a little longer to spread the news.

On January 21st, I had a dentist appointment. It was a positive moment for me in the pregnancy. As always, they asked if I was pregnant. I said I was and “hoped” to have a baby in August. The dentist, Dr. *********, said that I already had a baby. I explained my miscarriages and troubles with *J* and *B* pregnancies. Dr. ******** said that every pregnancy is a baby and that I needed to have faith, not hope, that we’d hold this baby in our arms. He recited several bible passages to me and said he would see me in September with pictures of the new baby. I thought this was another positive sign that this pregnancy was going to be different. How many dentists recite bible passages to their patients! Grandma was sending me a message through my dentist. This was the pregnancy that was going to be smooth sailing.

My next appointment with Dr. ***** was Friday, Feb 3rd. I saw another picture of your heart beating. Already, I couldn’t wait to meet you. I didn’t know yet if you were a boy or girl, but I knew I loved you. I had already started talking about names. We talked about Grace for a girl and Thomas Richard for a boy. Why is your name Brendan, then? That comes later.

Starting at around 9 weeks, I had my first signs that things weren’t going well. I started spotting. I went in for ultrasounds and we saw your beating heart. It made me so happy that you were OK. Seeing your heart beating made me so happy. It was around then that Dr. ***** said I should stop all exercise. On February 16th, I had an 11 week ultrasound to check for Down’s Syndrome and Trisomy 13/18. Everything looked great. At each ultrasound, we saw more of you. By 11 weeks, it was the beginnings of your arms and legs – just amazing.

On March 3rd, I had what should have been another routine doctor’s appointment. Instead, Dr. ***** said my cervix had shortened and I needed a cerclage, right away. On Tuesday, March 7th, they did another ultrasound just to check you out and did my pre-op testing. On Wednesday, March 8th, the cerclage was done. It was a one day procedure. I had a spinal block like I did with *B*. It was quick. The longest amount of time was recovering from anesthesia. During the recovery, your Dad and I joked that you were absolutely the last baby. Grammy & Grampy, of course, came down to stay with us.

While all of this was going on, we found out that many people were expecting babies around the same time you were due. It was so exciting to think about September when you’d be here. *J* would be starting Kindergarten at (name of school) and taking the bus. That meant you, *B* and I could hang in our jammies and play all day if we wanted to! I was really looking forward to all of the fun things we could plan to do together. And, as we got to 13 and 14 weeks, we started to tell everyone we were expecting you.

It was around then that we all started to worry about you arriving too early. *J* and *B* both spent several weeks in the NICU. It would be wonderful if you arrived on time, but I was prepared to do whatever was necessary to get you home to us. That meant cancelling several travel plans and laying low. I was mentally preparing for extended bed rest as well as another trip to the NICU. Everyone was secretly keeping count to 24 weeks. If we could get to 24 weeks, you’d be born breathing with a real shot at surviving. I knew in the end it would all be worth it to have you in our arms. I couldn’t wait to meet you, to see who you looked like, what your personality was going to be like. I was so excited to see *J* and *B* play with you.

*J* was very excited about the arrival of his baby brother or sister. He talked about you at school and to all of his friends. *J* hugged my tummy every day and talked to you. Once you were getting bigger, *B* started to point to my tummy and say “baby in there.”

After the cerclage was done, Millie & Biggie made a point of keeping *J* and *B* occupied. I really enjoyed the time we spent at their house playing. It was Spring, and we spent many afternoons hanging out in the backyard at (address). Millie always had projects ready for all of us, as well as a yummy dinner. This was also the most excitement I saw because we cancelled most of our weekend plans. It was time to rest, relax and stay off my feet to ensure your safe arrival at the end of August.

I wore maternity clothes for the first time to L ******* birthday party.It was fun to be out and to be noticeably pregnant. C remembered the shirt from when I was pregnant with *B*.
The next big outing where everyone commented on my pregnancy was an IHM meeting in April. I had on a great pink tunic shirt that I loved and was lent to me by N* I wore that shirt a lot. One night we went to dinner at (place) other pregnant friend was there also in clothes from *N*.

On March 31st, my neighbors K and R had a wonderful lunch for me. They were both expecting babies, too, but they were so concerned about me. All of us pregnant ladies and our toddlers had a great lunch and great desserts. It was a wonderful afternoon. I was really looking forward to walks and lunch dates once we were all new Moms again.

April started out as a relatively normal month. We had fun dates with family and friends. We all went to see the circus at Madison Square Garden with Uncle K, Aunt P, B and M. After the circus, we had a great dinner then wandered over to see the firetrucks at a nearby firehouse. We have a wonderful picture of the B, M, J & B on the firetruck. It was exciting to think that soon there would be another smiling face to add to the gang of cousins. We also went into NYC with the *********** for dinner and a fun show.It was fun to talk about the new baby and how our lives will be changing soon.

April 15th was the Mother’s Club East Egg hunt. I was definitely looking pregnant so it was nice to start talking more about your arrival with friends. We had such a nice day at *** *****.The weather was perfect, J and B had a blast picking up eggs filled with candy and I just felt so happy. My family of four was going to grow by one more. In just a few days we would find out if you were a boy or a girl. Everyone seemed to have an opinion and was convinced they were right. Just as long as you arrived safely and healthy, I didn’t care. That weekend was also Easter Sunday. Aunt K came for a visit to celebrate. We had fun, as always, but it was sad not having Grandma with us. For years, we traveled to Philadelphia to spend Easter with Grandma and Aunt K. I also remember being in church on Easter Sunday. I saw a mother walk in with her three sons, about ages 10 to 15. I couldn’t help but think that might be me some day -- three handsome boys!

April 18th, the day of my level II ultrasound, finally arrived. I was almost 20 weeks. *R*and I went into the ultrasound room with different levels of anxiety. Always the optimist, I was sure everything was going to be alright and I was laughing and excited and full of energy. *R*was very tense and anxious in the days leading up to the ultrasound but even more so while we were waiting in the exam room. Something always seemed to go wrong during a pregnancy. I was convinced this time everything had to be normal. *R*was worried.

The first part of the exam went great. You were a perfect size and we found out that you were another fabulous little boy. I could picture you in my mind. It is amazing how the brain and imagination work. Within seconds of hearing that you were a boy, I had pictured the rest of my life with you and J and B. The ultrasound technician left the room to get the doctor. I remember telling R, “See, relax, everything is going to be OK.” R said “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

The other shoe did drop. The doctor informed us that the baby looked great but there was one concern, a two vessel umbilical cord, or single umbilical artery (SUA). I also had a slightly elevated risk for Trisomy 13/18 based on my ultrascreen test results. The dream of a normal, uneventful pregnancy vanished. We were once again rushing to see specialists and have more tests done. The biggest risk at this point was that a SUA can be seen with other developmental abnormalities. Based on our experience with B, we knew we had a long road ahead of us. We also decided that doing an amniocentesis to rule out Trisomy 13/18 or Down’s Syndrome was out of the question. The risk of miscarriage based on my history was too great. We also knew that any abnormality did not matter. We already loved you. You were already here and part of our lives.

I spent the next few days searching the internet for information about single umbilical artery.

About 1 percent of singleton and about 5 percent of multiple pregnancies have an umbilical cord that contains only two blood vessels, instead of the normal three, as one artery is missing. The cause of this abnormality is unknown. If an ultrasound examination shows that the baby appears to have no other abnormalities, the baby is likely to be born healthy.

However, studies suggest that about 25 percent of babies with single umbilical artery have birth defects, including chromosomal and/or other abnormalities. A woman whose baby is diagnosed with single umbilical artery during an ultrasound examination may be offered prenatal testing using ultrasound evaluation of the fetal heart and amniocentesis to diagnose or rule out chromosomal abnormalities. Even if the baby does not appear to have birth defects, the pregnant woman will probably be monitored carefully for the remainder of the pregnancy because of a somewhat increased risk of poor fetal growth, preterm delivery and stillbirth.

The increased risk of preterm delivery combined with the incompetent cervix further raised concerns about your early arrival. I desperately wanted to avoid another stay at the NICU. I dreamed of giving birth to a healthy baby boy that I could hold in my arms and cuddle and admire while the impact of childbirth wore off. I wanted so much to leave a hospital with my baby, not to endure the tears and agony of leaving my precious child in the care of strangers. The increased risk of stillbirth was so awful that I didn’t even consider it a possibility. Something that awful could not happen to you, to R, to J & B or to me.

Around 20 weeks, I really started to feel your movement. One night, Rob felt you kick for the first time. You were excited about my ice cream dessert and brownie chaser. We started to fall into a pattern of feeling you move in the morning. As soon as you heard J and B voices in our room, you would wake-up and start to kick. You already recognized the sounds of your brothers’ voices and wanted in on the fun. How crazy life was going to be with my three little boys!

Over the next few days, everyone reassured me that you were fine. This was just another example of doctors having to share too much information, CYA, etc. My fears and anxiety were eased on April 27th when we went to the Center for Perinatal Pediatrics in NYC. We met with a genetics counselor. Then, there was a detailed, top to bottom scan of every inch of your adorable body. You were perfect! There was one minor issue we were going to follow-up on with the kidneys. The next stop was a fetal echo-cardiogram. Again, your heart was working exactly as it was supposed to work. The best part of the fetal echocardiogram was seeing you move on the monitor then nano-seconds later feeling the kick or punch. The doctor even asked us to be included as a “normal” example in a research study he was conducting.

We were thrilled! It looked like the worst was behind us. We had a tremendous sense of relief. Everything was fine, the world was good and we were expecting you sometime in the next few months. I started to let myself think even more about the future. I like to plan, so the next few years were all worked out. I would have one year at home with just you and Bobby while Jack was off at kindergarten. As you turned one, Bwould be starting school at (name of school).You would be big enough for playdates, Little Gym, Music Together and the playground.

May 1, 2006 would be the last time I heard your heart beat. I had an 8:15 am appointment with Dr. N********We listened to your heart beat for a few minutes, he checked my cervix, did a measurement and sent me on my way. All was well with this pregnancy. It was amazing to me when was born that it was possible to love two people that much. Now, my heart had room for three little boys. My three little boys were all I dreamed about day and night.

The next week was pretty uneventful. We had Little Gym, playdates, and a visit with Millie and Biggie. Saturday, May 6th was a busy day. C, L and I came to visit for the night. Everyone walked down to the SCA fair. I stayed behind to rest. Sunday morning we had breakfast then I took Bobby for a birthday party at the J house. It was at home when all was quite that I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I felt you move. I became completely focused on you and your movements.

Monday morning came and I didn’t feel the usual morning routine of kicks and excitement. I was concerned, so I drank juice and laid on my side. I thought I felt movement. Everything you read also says that 23 weeks is too early to feel daily movement. I tried not to worry. Tuesday came and again, I thought I felt movement but wasn’t 100% positive. Now, that one sentence kept creeping into my brain, “increased risk of stillbirth”. I went on the internet to read about stillbirth and read the signs. Everything seemed to indicate that unusual patterns of movement were not abnormal at this stage of the pregnancy.

Maybe subconsciously I already knew what had happened. Wednesday morning, May 10th, I decided to call the doctor’s office. I explained my concerns and they instructed me to come in for a quick heart beat check to put my mind to rest. J needed to get off to school, so R stayed at home and I went to see the nurse. When I arrived, the nurse used the Doppler to hear the heart beat. She wasn’t able to find it but explained that she wasn’t very good at using the machine and maybe we should just do an ultrasound.

It was like someone tightened the anxiety screw in my stomach a few notches. I tried to stay calm. Everything had to be fine. My mind always seems to assess every possible outcome when a situation arises. In this case, I just kept telling myself that I was too far along to lose a baby. The nurse did an ultrasound and seemed to struggle to find a heartbeat. I saw you on that screen and knew that something was wrong. There was no movement and I had seen enough ultrasounds to recognize a normal heart beat. The nurse again said she wasn’t an expert and let’s just have the doctor take a look.

I was moved into another exam room. While waiting for Dr. S*****
I was on the verge of tears. What if something had gone wrong. As quickly as I thought the worst, I reminded myself that the worst could not possibly happen. I needed to be calm and wait for the doctor.

I will never forget the look on Dr. S*****face as she searched and searched and searched for a heart beat. I knew from watching her go from concerned to eyes filling with tears that my world had ended. She couldn’t speak, she just shook her head no. As she regained composure and I fell apart, she looked for Dr. R******to confirm what she suspected. You had died. Based on your measurements, they suspected you had died sometime over the weekend.

Everyone was so nice and very understanding. They moved me to an office so I could make the hardest phone call of my life. I called R and could barely get out the words. He was devastated. R still had B, so he came to the doctor’s office with him. While we waited for Millie and Biggie to pick-up B, B managed to touch and move everything in the doctor’s office. It was strangely comforting to have him there causing trouble when I thought my world was ending. I guess he was the reminder that it couldn’t end.

When we left the office, we were told that I would be scheduled for an induction that night. That meant we had almost 8 hours before going to the hospital. I couldn’t even begin to think about what would happen at the hospital, so I started focusing on what I could do. I called funeral homes and cemeteries to find out what options were available to us. We also called (name of church)to get the priests advice on what we should do.

I also had three more people to talk to and I was dreading those conversations. I needed to call Grammy and Grampy and I needed to tell J. What was so hard was that by telling them, I knew your death was a reality and it made it seem final. I spoke to my Dad first. He was shocked and crushed. My Mom wasn’t home. She called me back later and I told her what had happened. My Mom and Dad were immediately in their car on their way to help my family and me through another crisis.

J was dropped off from school. I think he was surprised to see R, Millie and Biggie there. Grammy and Grampy may even have arrived by then, too. R and I were dreading telling J that the baby brother he was so excited about had gone Heaven. We didn’t even understand why this had happened, how was a four year old going to understand? J has always been treated as such a big boy. He seemed to understand that Mommy and Daddy were sad but he didn’t understand why his long anticipated baby brother was not going to be arriving at the end of the summer. J asked many basic questions about death that we really had a difficult time answering. He was so looking forward to your arrival.

I also spoke with Sara who told me what to expect and some ideas of things to do. The best piece of advice she gave me was to not take any drugs that would cloud my memory of the delivery. As difficult as it was going to be, she assured me that I would want to remember it later. It would be one of my most significant memories of Brendan.

We also needed to decide on your name. Your Dad and I had been discussing names but hadn’t decided on anything. Thomas Richard was the lead name. We looked on the internet for names of Saints for ideas. Brendan is Biggie’s middle name and it also means sword. I liked the idea of you up in Heaven with a big sword, protecting all of us from evil.

As the time to go to the hospital for the induction and delivery drew near, I was becoming increasing more fearful and afraid. It wasn’t the physical pain that I was afraid of, it was the heartbreak. I could not imagine how I could survive delivering a baby that was not breathing, a baby that I would never hear cry, a baby that I would never take home or nurse or cuddle or stare at and hold for hours. I was afraid that the pain of losing you would be more than I could bear and my heart would be broken for an eternity.

Except for one minor incident, everyone at (name of hosp)hospital where you were delivered was so nice. Unfortunately, I was placed on the Labor and Delivery floor. It was excruciating to hear the wails of new babies entering the world. I was so happy for the mothers but so envious, too. I was happy they were not experiencing the grief and pain that I was going through but I so desperately wished that you would cry when you were born, too. A resident gave me medicine to start the labor process. I was told it would probably take 24 -48 hours but it could also take days. R was by my side the entire time. Your father is an amazing person. I wish you could have met him.

The nurse offered me some drugs to help ease my anxiety and fear. I was also offered an epidural. I declined both and explained to the nurse why I was so afraid. I was so afraid of how sad I was going to be when I delivered you. I knew that it was going to be more awful than anything I could possibly imagine.

I finally did take some medicine to help me sleep. It was a strange sleep. I felt like I was drifting into a hole and I wasn’t going to be able to get out. It got harder and harder to open my eyes and talk. I remember Dr. K****coming in to check on me before he went off-duty. I could barely focus on him and speak. There was nothing I could do to stop losing you.

On May 11, 2006 at 7:58 am, you born. You weighed one pound and were 11 ½”. We named you Brendan S. You were a very good size for 23 weeks. As soon as your body arrived in this world, I had to hold you. The doctor placed your body on my stomach while we waited for the after birth. The combination of heart ache and joy is difficult to explain. There are no words to describe how devastating it was to hold your lifeless body, but I also had immense joy in finally seeing you, in finally seeing the little body that was growing in mine for six months.

Strangely enough, you were the one baby that I delivered and actually got to hold and explore. J and B were both whisked away to the NICU minutes after their birth. I was able to hold and admire you. Your skin was still warm from being in the womb. Your mouth and eyes were slightly open and it looked like you would cry or gasp any second.

I checked your fingers and your toes. Your fingers were long and elegant and your feet were absolutely adorable. Teeny, tiny but absolutely perfect little baby feet. They had crinkles and creases and were so small. Your face was similar to B and J but I think more like B. Your eyes were wide-set and big, your nose was a little flat like mine and your mouth was one of an angel. You had the tiniest little tongue. What I remember most is your legs. You had the most beautiful legs I have ever seen. They had the most exquisite curve at the calf. I could just imagine those long, strong legs carrying you through life.

Your delivery went better than the doctors expected. Once everything was done, the nurse took you away to weigh, measure and dress you. She also took some pictures for us to keep. She tried to do your hand and footprints in a baby kit I had, but you were too small. The nurse dressed you and brought you back to the delivery room for your Dad and I to hold you and spend time with you. We called your grandparents so they could come to the hospital to see you and be there for the blessing by the priest.

Holding a stillborn baby is an extremely difficult experience. I was surprised that all four of your grandparents insisted on holding you and talking to you. You are so loved. When I think of how loved you are, I can’t imagine why God decided to take you from us. It still makes no sense to me. The priest came and gave a blessing while all of us were there. It was a nice way to honor your life with us.

After a while, Grammy, Grampy, Millie and Biggie said their final good-byes. You have two tough guys for Grandfathers. I am so happy that I got to share you with them. As tough as they are, they love their grandbabies, and they love you so very much. On the other hand, you have two Grandmothers that are just mush when it comes to babies. It was heartbreaking to see their tears and see them holding you, knowing how much they were grieving for you and worried about your dad and I, their own babies.

After everyone left, it was just you, your Dad and me, and it was time for us to say good-bye. I knew it was time to give you back when your warmth was gone and your skin started looking so fragile. In some ways, it wasn’t unusual for me to deliver a baby but leave the hospital without one. I also think that I kept hoping that some miracle would occur and you would start breathing. I tried hard not to think about the next physical steps you would go through and tried unsuccessfully to remind myself that you were already in Heaven and not trapped in you body.

Honestly, I don’t even remember leaving the hospital. I don’t remember coming home and I don’t remember what I did the rest of the day Thursday and Friday. I know at some point that I collected items to be buried with you. I wrote you a letter, found a teddy bear to keep you company and included a picture of your family. I remember that Rob went to (name of cemetary)to see where you would be buried and thought it was a peaceful location. I also know that Grammy and I went to the (name of floral shop) to buy a small white cross made of flowers to put on your grave.

The internment was on Saturday, May 13th, the day we had schedule B second birthday party. B party was scheduled for the 13th because Mother’s Day was on Sunday. Your Dad and I drove with Grammy and Grampy to the cemetery. The drive was an eternity. It was a gray, cloudy, rainy day. I couldn’t believe that it was all actually happening. I had just been pregnant and full of anticipation and now it was over and we were driving to a cemetery. I told Grammy that I didn’t think I could get out of the car and see my precious baby be buried in the ground. I was convinced once again that I was going to die from sadness and heart break.

I was touched by how many people were there and wanted to be there with us. We are so fortunate to have so many wonderful friends. We decided to keep the ceremony at the cemetery very small, so it was Grammy and Grampy, Millie and Biggie, Aunt L, Uncle K, Uncle M and Aunt A, Uncle J and Aunt B and Aunt M and J. M and Aunt P stayed at the house with the kids. We met everyone in the parking lot and we talked to the priest. I couldn’t stop crying. I just couldn’t believe what was actually happening. For the past several days, I expected to wake-up from this terrible nightmare.

Instead of waking up, we drove up to the gravesite to see a tiny white casket and several chairs. There you were -- no longer with me, but in a tiny white casket. I vaguely remember the words the priest said. None of them brought me comfort or peace. I felt awful for leaving you there. Those were the saddest days of my life.

We all miss you. J talks about his baby brother Brendan constantly. J loves babies and is still upset that you are in Heaven. Our lives are completely different without you here. There is a person missing from our lives, a person that will never be replaced. Even though you were with us for six months, you will live in our hearts for always. I remember your kicks upon hearing your brothers’ voices and imagine my three little boys growing up together.

I love you so very much. I hope you feel that everyday. Every night I sleep with a teddy bear that holds your picture and think that some day, I’ll get to hold you in my arms again. I miss you. I love you.

Not Here

I wake every morning and reach for you.
I feel your kicks and hear your heart beating.
You are not here.

I walk by your room and the empty crib.
I’ve planned the first hours, days and years.
You are not here.

I hold the baby shoe that says your name.
I’m crying at the gravesite for Brendan.
You are not here.

You are not here
You are an angel in Heaven with God.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Why do i keep making same mistake over and over again?

I'm obvisuosly awake because DH is at work. This is my normal at this point. I stay awake till about 3am or later and wake back up at 6:30am to get *J* ready and off to school. He is usually gone by 7:30am. Sometimes, *M* is awake by then.....if he isn't, i lay back down. While *M* is at school from 12pm-2:30pm i lay down, most of the time with DH. Then, if i have to work that night i am usually in the shower by 4pm and leaving the house by 5pm (but that changed, i can't clock in 1/2 hr early anymore. :roll: ) I get home around 10:15pm and DH jumps into the car and leaves for work till 9am the next morning. It's a sucky cycle! I can't wait to see what happens with this house manager job. Maybe, then we could hire someone to watch them a few hr's mon-thurs. I'm going to try to change my schedule at that point to mostly days.

Anyways, geez. Tired = rambly. AF in building = horny bitch Lol

get to the freaking point; So, anyways. I was sitting here thinking about how i've made some REALLY REALLY stupid decisions/choices about guys.

example 1) *E*. Lord help me if he still reads my posts here. Bad, bad choice.

In high school, my best friend was a guy named Jared. We were fucking perfect for each other. Every time we would discuss dating each other we always both agreed that our friendship was much more important. We got each other through alot.

*E* and I were together almost over 1 yr before anything sexual ever happened with Jared. It was weird. I haven't heard anything from him in god knows how long now. Last i knew he was marrying someone. Yes, i did find him in CT a few yrs ago (2?) and listened to there answering machine.

Example 2) "trickyrick" *sigh*. Too much bad blood right from the get go. He hurt me in ways that i couldn't even tell DH about until recently and it's been like 11 yrs.

During "trickyrick" , i would see other people. Rick always told me he didn't want another marriage or more kids. Well, both things i wanted at that point. I met another guy named Rick. :oops: Want to confuse the hell out of your parents? Date 2 guys named rick. My poor dad. Lol
Anyways, this "other" rick was the COMPLETE opposite from "trickyrick". Had already been married, but wanted kids. His first wife didn't.

Brillant me, :roll: decides to NOT give this other rick a real chance.

This is the kind of shit that makes me wonder how my life would have been if i had made completely different choices then i did.

Now, me and DH?

where to friggin start? I'll get there someday. I'm not ready to put it all into words right now.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

:banghead: :evil: :x

Life can't be flipping simple ONCE? Thats all i freakin ask.

Apparently since we made a payment(on the 18th) to the cable company they decided (without telling us or getting our authorization) to put us on the "auto pay" program.

So, they took $132.93 out of our bank account last tuesday(the 22nd). We've been told SEVERAL times already that it would be back in our account by today. Well guess what? It's NOT, and they are conveintally(sp?) closed today.

Oh, but that was after some woman told me they would credit to our account with them. Yeah, i think NOT! :roll: That money was already allocated for stuff and we already have $70.00 (as of NOW) in overdraft charges they AREN"T going to reimburse us for. If the money is not in our account by tomorrow we are going down in the afternoon. Expect DH to be arrested. :twisted:

I'm starting to get really concerned about DH's health again. He's been complaining about not feeling "right" for about a week now.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Stupid cable finally put our money back in yesterday. I'm canceling DSL with them next wk and once the Soprano's end we will cancel the movie channels.

It's been a hellish few hrs.

I drove DH to work lastnight. There was a deer laying in my lane. Thank GOD i could get into the breakdown lane to get around it.

This morning, i leave to pick him up. Got stuck in the typical traffic trying to get to 495. I get almost there and hit more traffic. Thought nothing of it.....till, i see TONS of cops, ambulances, firetrucks, and a life-flight helicopter. I know that accident will be on the news tonight (or this afternoon). I saw a least one dead body on the ground. Not fun.

Then, i get to the "house" where DH works. The bus hadn't picked up the clients yet, so they were still there. There is one of them *N* that i know can be agressive. I get to the front door and he's trying to get out the front door to me. :shock: He went after DH several times before i had even got there, broke the glass door of the entertainment center and whipped a GLASS paperweight out of his room. Anyways. I'm sitting on the arm rest of one of the chairs and DH was in the chair. Within a matter of seconds *N* was trying to get at me. DH was holding him off with one arm. I was yelling for *J* (another employee who was in the kitchen) ...so *J* came running and put a lock hold on *N*'s arms.

I think i've had more then enough excitement for today.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Add more hellish crap.

We were *ahem* earlier this afternoon and DH's phone starts going off. I got up after and checked it. It was *W* (son of his ex before me)....we both knew it wasn't good. *N* passed away lastnight. They are doing something to celebrate her life this wkend. I've already called in to work and told them to take me off of Saturday.

Speaking of work! I have 2 (as of now) interviews next wk. Both for completely different things. I know the one on Monday pays more....but the stress factor could be an issue.

Joined: 07/15/04
Posts: 1
Tummy rub?

Well Well Well Look at who I found...... Shoot me an e-mail and we will talk more.... ( cant believe I remembered my log in for this site... Wink

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672
Re: Tummy rub?

"boss3514v" wrote:

Well Well Well Look at who I found...... Shoot me an e-mail and we will talk more.... ( cant believe I remembered my log in for this site... Wink

So weird! I was just thinking about ya the other day.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

My interview went good today. I should hear something in a few days.

Stupid blippin rain does nothing to help my mood!

Another EDD annvi of Zachary's. It didn't really hit me till i was filling out and signing papers today before my interview. It's just so strange to finally be at this point. Time does heal all wounds. It still hurts, just not as freshly as it used to. I can get through the annvi dates now without having my own personal flip out.

I can't believe it's going to be 10 yrs married soon!

As per usual, DH has to mention having another baby. :roll: I told him i've been considering being a surrogate carrier.....i just can't have another baby for myself ever. He wants to put away $10/wk so we can pay to get the reversal done. Nope. Not gonna happen. The ligation surgery and recovery were complete hell....i'd expect a reversal surgery to be MUCH worse! He doesn't want me to consider doing the surrogate thing cause he's scared of both of us becoming attached to the baby and wanting to keep it. I know i could handle my emotions. I know i don't want another baby of my own. DH probably wouldn't be able to handle it. We'll keep the discussion open.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

awake :roll:

My parents are taking the kids to my sister's at the end of June. It will give DH and I some good quality time together. We have both already scheduled days off.

Not a hell of alot to report on the job front. I'm waiting for the guy who interviewed me yesterday to get back to me.

Tomorrow (tech today) , i'm supposed to have an interview for a CNA/PCA job. I think DH would be better suited for it and the hr's are good (7am-3pm) for him.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I got a call yesterday about a job! :woohoo:

It's from the guy who interviewed me on Monday. I have to go to another interview this coming Monday at the company i'd be working at. I would so LOVE a desk job!!!!

Not much else is going on.

I have to work tonight *oh joy* :roll: . I've really reached my limit with them.

Stupid freakin rain! :evil: :evil: Oh course today would be the day i wanted to wear one of my dresses. :twisted:

It's going to be so busy tonight. Thats one thing you can count on in this damn retail businesss. If it's raining expect ALL the teeny-boppers to be at the mall. Lord help me.

I know this is going to sound racist. But, if you don't speak english and want to return something and cause a rucus(sp?) please stay the hell away from my register. I had this group of 3 women, none of them spoke good english and the entire time they were arguing with me about the prices of things.....trying to tell me they paided over $80 for something when the system (and we use your store card to look up the recipt (sp?) if you don't have it) is telling me and them that they only paided $20 something for it. *ugh* We had a manager and one of the security people there too. And don't argue with me when you return $50 worth of stuff and want to buy $70 worth of stuff.....duh, you owe the store $20 something.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Here.

Awake.

Bitchy.

I still wore my dress on Sat to work. It looked AWESOME. I had my "fuck me" boots on with it. Loved it! I ruined one of the heels though. I kept leaning back on them and the heel came loose. :pissed: I wonder how much thats going to cost to get fixed?

I've been working my butt off all wk. I can't wait till Sat. They actually called and wanted me to work and extra 4 hrs on Sat. Thanks, but no thanks. I'd like some quality time with my husband after not seeing him the majority of this wk.

We're supposed to see SIL sometime this wkend. I hope her pool is open!!

Oh, and apparently because my brother and his wife both need jobs now it's my problem to get them new ones? Yeah, try again. Not my problem or concern.

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Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I feel like crap. I've had a cold since yesterday. Great way to spend a few days without the kids. :roll:

Oh, some interesting news: *T* , the bitch who tried to stop me from leaving the store when i was only scheduled till 10pm, is GONE! They let her go. I'm wondering why?

I'm off the "bad list". I hadn't opened any accounts in several wks so they had this list of "zero performers" :roll: Good way to make me feel like crap about myself. I've been making them money. ...Anyways, I opened 2 accounts Fri and Sat. :woohoo:

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

:party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party: :party:

:happybday: :happybday: :happybday:

Happy 10th Birthday to *J*!!! (born @ 6:45 am)

:lovebed: :lovebed: :lovebed:

Happy 10th Wedding Annvi to Jim and I !!! (married @ 3pm in the hosp)

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Here.

Doing ok.

Talked to Mike lastnight. None of it about Zachary. How surprised are we? He mentions Vondalee and it stings like pure hell.

Work has been nuts lately. When our dept fitting room is re-finished (they are re-doing it) the dept's that we're sending people to will be getting there fitting rooms re-done. :banghead: . God help me. We're going from 11 stalls to 7 . :shock: This is going to be a disaster. But, hey we'll have a leather couch and a plasma tv. :roll:

Kids are good. We're doing *J*'s birthday celebration this wkend. It sucks when you only get my paycheck every other wk.

*M* is a water boy. He loves the beach and water just like his Momma.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

:woohoo: :woohoo:

Ok, so starting the celebration early.

Jim's job is FINALLY going to days!!! Mon-Fri 7am-3pm!!! :woohoo: They are going to call him later this afternoon and give him the def starting date. I'm hoping it's after 2 wks. I'm scheduled for days the next 2 wks. Karen will kill me if i have to change my schedule again. Of course, she's not going to pleased with me anyways after i tell her i'm giving my notice. Thats not happening yet.....but soon. I had to email the guy back about that other job. I'll be making about $5/hr more with FULL benefits....which we need.

Masshealth flaked on us again. We make to much for Jim and I to be on it.:roll: But, yet we still can't afford health insurance. The kids are still covered though.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

It's a freakin catch 22.

Jim's job finally told him they want him to start days july 9th. Well, i was supposed to work that day and a few others next wk. I had to leave Karen a note to change my schedule around again. I finally got to talk to her about it lastnight. Thankfully, she's extremely understanding.

But, i swear to god that if his work screws him on this AGAIN...i am going to be way past pissed!

Speaking of lastnight, I fucked up my right shoulder. I have no idea what the hell i did to it but i can barely move the shoulder/arm all day today. It hurts. :cry:

I did have my own little freak out Friday night at work. I went into the fitting room (they are DONE!) and cried for a good 15-20 mins. Something just switched on in my head and all the memories came flooding back.

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Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I went for an interview today. It went ok. But, it would be the same amount of money and about the same # of hours. Not worth it. If i stay with Macy's until Dec i can start training for management. I'm pretty much already treated like an assistant already. I'm training people. I'm the one everyone else in our dept comes to with a question about how to do something. I just still get paided shit.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

:woohoo:

Jim started days!

But good lord, all 4 of us getting up at 6am. :? The kids bus for summer school is here by 7:30am.

This has opened my schedule ability UP big time. I'm working 5 shifts the next 2 weeks. I can pick up open shifts more easily without having to worry about Jim getting any rest and watching the kids while i'm working. This is SO awesome!

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I have an awesome interview this afternoon. I am so excited about this. It's along the same lines of Macy's but a different company (if that made any sense at all to anyone besides me :lol:) and a completely different position. It would be full time days , not starting till middle of Sept. I would be working in an office of the store and not really have to deal with the public. BUT, i would get to work with jewelry ALL THE TIME! *happy dance*

I'm pretty sure they pay around 30K-40K/yr ...which would be AWESOME!

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

My new Mantra.

"Lessons Learned"

This song speaks volumes.

Lessons Learned ~ Carrie Underwood

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

My interview went really good!

I am so freakin tired. I've been working since thurs, and i work till Tues. I worked all day today in the jewelry dept. My sales were $$$$$$$$$ good!

I'm supposed to have an interview Monday afternoon with another company. I don't know if i should just reschedule.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I'm done. Seriously, i am.

I went to silentgrief lastight cause i haven't checked there in awhile. I made this post.

http://silentgrief.proboards70.com/index.cgi?board=ihadastillbirth&action=display&thread=1131061061&page=1

You;ll notice it was started 2 yrs ago. And before that when the site was on a different server i started a listed there too.

Well, i go lastnight and see this.

http://silentgrief.proboards70.com/index.cgi?board=ihadastillbirth&action=display&thread=1184364854

Yes, i posted. Not rashly.

Then this morning.

http://silentgrief.proboards70.com/index.cgi?board=ihadastillbirth&action=display&thread=1184566927

I again posted. Then look around and see this.

http://silentgrief.proboards70.com/index.cgi?board=ihadastillbirth&action=display&thread=1184182168&page=1

And a few others posts elsewhere on site where she basicly said my listing never existed or one like the one she's going to do has NEVER been done. I'm sorry but didn't i start and do the previous ones? :roll:

Then i just got mad and made that other post where i told her to screw it and do whatever. It would have been how hard to email me ?

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

:banghead:

must resist urge to throttle someone......

Ugh.

Anyways, AF isn't here yet. I have something going on down there that i'm not quite sure about. This would be my luck.

I have another interview on Monday with a different company. It would be comission (sp?) based sales though, so i don't know. Reminds me: I need DIRECTIONS!

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

AF is still MIA. If it doesn't show by next wkend i'm going to splurge and buy a test.

This would seriously be my luck, we just got rid of EVERYTHING baby related stuff. God, i need to buy another crib and everything else like i need a freaking hole in my head.

I really don't know what to do about the job situation. Is it worth staying with Macy's till Dec? I'm gonna have to talk with Karen about it sometime this wk. If managers don't get paided much more then i'm getting now....forget it. As it is now, i leave there so frustrated and stressed....i hate it.

I have to work all day tomorrow and i'm just dreading it.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

let the POAS chant begin now.....

I'v been feeling really crappy. Peeing like a freakin race horse every hr to 2 hrs.

Macy's is.....well, Macy's.

I worked Sat and was told they changed alot of things in our dept.

a) We aren't allowed to have the rolling rack in the "open" area where the TV and Sofa are supposed to go. Emphais on "supposed" to. They aren't going to BUY them until ALL the dressing rooms are re-done. Can we say over a yr?

b) We aren't allowed to have the rolling rack in the dressing room AT ALL. Can we say more work for us? God forbid we actually HELP the customers instead of putting away clothes all night.

c) We aren't allowed to put hangers into the plastic shopping bags. Hmmm, well maybe if the guys from the dock area came around more then every 4 to 6 hrs (especially in A VERY BUSY Dept) we wouldn't have to resort to putting hangers elsewhere.

Then i worked today.

a) The rolling racks have to be COMPLETELY empty at the end of the night. Again, i think we need to care more about the customers getting decent service rather then clothes being put away. Besides the fucking fact that when they only have one person on (typical for a monday/tuesday) night and it is busy....how the hell are they supposed to get anything done?

b) Found out that they have a "cap" on how much everyone can make. It's less then $11/hr. They don't do raises, they do bonuses:roll: .

I asked a few people about switching dept's. Karen is still on vacation. Turns out, to work the fine jewelry (not just fashion, which i've been doing) they ONLY promote from within, you have to pass a CORI and security check. Not alot of people are lining up to switch to this dept because you are basiclly locked in a cage all day.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Nothing on AF front. I'll be testing sometime Thurs or Fri if nothing happens by then.

Job Front:

Talked to Karen lastnight. She took it pretty good. Only problem? Every dept has to downsize (ie: reduce hours) because we are out of the "seasonal" crap again. So now, the dept i'm in normally is dropping people because they are only allowed to have 2 part-time night people. Since *R* and I have been there the longest we obvisously get those positions. I'm waiting for a call back from *A* about weather or not jewelry does have any openings. Which, according to at least 5 or 6 people they need people desperately and have been pulling people from different dept's (that already have the clearance and everything else) to work it.

I just don't want to get screwed on this.

And if by chance i get a BFP, i would have to quit or reduce my hours in a few months anyways. I'd rather have the non-stress of jewelry to the MAJOR stress of dealing with teeny-boppers and a dressing room that is ALWAYS trashed.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Ya know:

Thinking about it more and more as the day goes on. If i don't get a bfp i;m going to push forward to do the surrogacy thing. The office called this afternoon and left a message. I'm gonna call tomorrow and have them re-email they orginally sent me.

If i do get a bfp.....then it will be a completely different story. Weird thing, before dinner i was standing leaning against the counter and my belly was sticking out....DH went and rubbed it like it was a preggo belly.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

Have to update now.

Talked to *A* this morning. I have a meeting with the General Manager of the Store tomorrow morning! I found out from one of the floor managers that i will get a pay raise moving to Fine Jewelry. I don't know how much. I'll find all that out tomorow. :woohoo:

This is so meant to be. I just know it.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

I GOT IT!

I am officially making the switch on SUNDAY! :woohoo:

$.50/hr more. So that puts me at $8.00/hr PLUS 1% commission. It will come in handy over the holidays.

This was probably the coolest meeting i've ever had. I got to sit down and really talk with the GM of the store and the operational manager too!

This is only going to bring bigger and better things in the future for me.

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