**Feel free to post in my journal, I welcome the comments and banter!!**
Well I've wanted to create a new journal for quite sometime now but everytime I tried to start it, I could never think of quite the right words.
I always feel like I should begin with an intro but I did that with my last one. Then I feel like I should talk about my loss and the reason for having to start over. I should tell you about us and where we are and where I'll be going with this but instead of what I "should" do I'm just going to do what I WANT to do.
This is my journal. I will discuss Kylie (our angel), I will eventually tell her story, maybe bookmark my previous journal, I will talk about our current TTC struggles and feats and hopefully eventually this will turn into my pregnancy journal and the journal about raising our wonderful family.
For now....I just wanted to start it....the first post is always the hardest.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
(previous journal link pg 5)
TTC-Cycles 1 and 2........................ Pages 1 and 2
TTC-Cycle # 3...............................Pages 3-7 (Kylie's Due Date pg 7)
BFP Announcement........................ Page 8
Prego-First Trimester...................... Page 8-15
Prego-Second Trimester...................Page 15-21
Prego-Third and FINAL Trimester.......Page 22-25
ADDISON-Birth story and beyond.......Page 25+
Today is our 7 year anniversary. Not officially anymore of course since we were married last year, but "technically" Dion and I have been together for 7 years.
Its amazing how long ago it seems the day I met him and all that has happened since then.
We are going to Olive Garden after work for a celebratory dinner, just a nice way to be together.
Since I'll be ovulating in the next 5-10 days and it is a "holiday" I'm sure we'll !
(Oh I forgot to add that since this is MY journal, I can talk about anything that would normally be too much info (TMI) without hesitation.
Today is CD (cycle day) 9 of our 2nd cycle trying after our late miscarriage with Kylie in September.
Yesterday was fun, we ate some dinner, did a little shopping and laid around in bed together the whole rest of the night.
Today is the MRA banquet. I'm usually really psyched about it but this year I'm a little bummed. Usually the banquet is in February and since I was due in February I had always envisioned going to it this year big, huge and round. Only 10-15 racers even knew we were pregnant when I lost her and since the last time I saw them all I was just getting round, I don't know if I'm more nervous for someone to say something about it OR for nobody to say anything. Does that even make sense?
I guess, I feel like I'm constantly thinking about Kylie, whenever a child or baby is mentioned or in the room, I'm thinking about her. I sometimes wonder, people who haven't suffered a loss who know about mine, are they thinking about it in an awkward sense, do I say something or dont I or if it even occurs to them that she is constantly on my mind?
Anyways....I'm doing well with my weight loss goals still this week, the girls on the TTCAL (trying to conceive after a loss) boards are pretty much my saving grace, they all know what it feels like to loss their angel, most not as far along as I was but it seems a loss is a loss. Anyways the BL (biggest loser) competition we've got going is really helping me stay focused. I'm realllly hoping I get pg this cycle which would be right around when the competition ends AND that I'm out of the 140's! I can't believe I let myself get thus huge again.
I've always heard that cycles seem to get longer and longer the more you try without success.....seeing as this is only cycle #2 after Kylies loss....I totally understand now......I JUST WANT TO OVULATE already....it feels like its taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get here! I'm sure the 2ww (two week wait) will be excruciating.
Keeping my fingers crossed and praying to god every single night that this is our time!
Oh sometime this week in the mail I got the lab results from my doctor, At our last appt she had mentioned almost in passing that I was positive for a blood disease called MTHFR.
I'm not quite sure I fully understand what it is BUT having talked to some other gals about it and researching on the net I have found that it can cause recurring m/c (miscarriage), pre-eclampsia, blood clots, vascular disease, chromosone defects....wait here's a scary blurb about the strains I carry.....
Compound heterozygosity of C677T and A1298C occurs in approximately 20% of the Caucasian population and is also a risk for increased homocysteine levels. In addition, homozygosity of C677T and compound heterozygosity of C677T and A1298C result in a 2-3 fold risk of folate-sensitive neural tube defects.
So at my last appt my doc prescribed me cerefolin, basically its an easy absorbable Folic acid, B6 and B12 vitamin to help a pregnancy develop because the prenatal alone my not provide enough nutrient to a growing fetus. so I'm now taking that, prenatals and baby aspirin. I have been told that when I become pregnant having been diagnosed with this, I may have to start levenox shots, which is a daily shot, into my STOMACH to help do something......I don't fully understand it and haven't done enough research to try to explain it.
THIS pretty much just scares the $hit out of me. Not only am I already freaked out TTC (trying to conceive) again after having such a late m/c but now I have to worry about THIS also and on top of possibly being faced with higher risk for spina bifida and downs.....AGAIN!!!!
Why can't I just be normal, have an uneventful pregnancy, be b*tching like everyone else about how miserable 3rd trimester is, instead of dealing with loss and issue after issue.
Oh well, I'm playing the cards I was dealt and counting on god to make the most of it!
here are some more scary pg (pregnant) related facts about MTHFR.
I may talk about this quite a bit for a few days till I fully understand it..
Evaluation of women with recurrent pregnancy loss, unexplained severe pre-eclampsia, placental abruption, fetal growth retardation, stillbirth, or neural tube defects in offspring
A woman named Aimee (OurSecretWish) wrote these thoughts. She wrote those words for her son that was lost. I feel they truly express my inner most feelings and wishes. I thank her tremendously for allowing me to post them here and re-read her words everyday in hopes that one day we will both have our miracles.
What I would give to get those double lines on a pregnancy test...
What I would give to have that wave of nausea take over me and make me sick day after day, as I would KNOW my baby is healthy...
What I would give to feel backpain because my healthy child is playing happily inside me...
What I would give to feel bleeding hemarroids because the blood is flowing fast for my childs wellbeing and the pressure of his healthy weight is pressing against me...
What I would give for breasts that can become uncomfortable because my body is preparing nourishing food for my unborn child...
What I would give for permanent stretch marks that can come because my child is growing at a healthy rate...
What I would give for headaches from hormones that are helping to sustain my childs existence.
What I would give for my husband to have to pull me out of bed because I am getting to large to manage on my own...
What I would give to say no to that drink of alcohol or to move away from that cigarette smoke, because I know I am protecting the health of my child..
What would I give??? I would give my right arm to feel all these things and more!!..
I'm on CD 14 and so far not even a HINT of a 2nd line on an opk. This is worrying me a little bit.
What if I don't ovulate this cycle...what if my fears of only ovulating every other cycle are true ( since I only have the 1 good fallopian tube)
That means I will have only 6 chances each year of getting prego....I'm like really truly bummed about this.
BUT it is fairly early in my cycle and MAYBE all women don't get positive opk's for them to ovulate...I should research it. (although I hav gotten lines before soo....)
Hmmm...maybe I'll just O late....With Kylie's pregnancy I didn't O until CD 17...so maybe I'm just running a little late this month.
We'll find out soon enough I suppose.
So finally yesterday I got a hint of a line on an opk (ovulation predictor kit, for my non prego friends, basically you pee on a stick, like a home prego test and if you start to get a dark 2nd line, it means your about to ovulate) which means get your booty in the sack
so anyways...yesterday's line is still considered negative but at least there was a start so hopefully today its super dark and I'll just ovulate!
Oh I lost 3 lbs this week! I'm doing a Biggest Loser competition with some gals on this forum (wasssup TTCAL <+>'ers,~MWAH~) and its really helping me to stay motivated. There is 1 week left in the competition and so far I'm down 7.8 lbs....my ultimate goal is to be at 135 (though if I get the chance to hit that, I will drop it to 130) I'm seriously hoping I get knocked up before then though so keep your fingers crossed
Well, I finally O'd.....on CD 15...not even too late but the funny thing about this cycle was that I never even got a hint of a line until the day I actually ovulated...sooo not sure how I feel about that or if its normal and I don't care....it still means I ovulated and our timing was great, in my opinion!
I'm praying SO SO SO SO very hard that this cycle is the one. I just really need this, everyday I think more and more that I just need to be a mom.
So I'll test on January 19th, hey which is Martin Luther Kind day, which means nothing really other than I jsut noticed it. I will be 11DPO and should have a good indication either way of stuff! If you are reading this, PLEASE pray for me!
A co-worker sent me a chain email of sorts and usually I don't even read them but the first line caught my attention and I think it makes good sense to post it here and now....
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
just seemed important to me somehow and I wanted to save it. I obviously relate it to my loss of Kylie and I truely hope and pray that he has a plan and a reason for everything.
Not much to report on.....I'm not really one to analyze symptoms or even give them a second thought....so I'm pretty sure I haven't had any.
My temp was kind of low today which could mean
#2-that I'm not pregnant
#3 that its an implantation dip, a bit early.
We shall see. Seems like the time is going by SOOO slow...I can't wait till the earliest day I can start testing is. I always say I'm going to wait until a certain day (usually 10 or 11 DPO) but the "itch" just gets to me....I set my date of testing is 11DPO, January 19th. I'll be lucky to make it to the 18th to start though. Maybe I'll test at 9dpo then if I see nothing then skip a day and test when I "should".....ehhh we'll see. I'm just so nervous and anxious.
So the diet hasn't been going so well this week. I haven't been working out and my eating habits have been less than par. I gotta kick this back in gear, I have a weigh in, in 2 days. Ok....done. I'm back on the wagon and will work out tonight and tomorrow and hopefully at least try to save my week and lose at least .5 lbs from last weeks weight, :fingers crossed: which wouldn't make me the winner of the challenge but would at least be good for me, then next week I should be able to kick it into overdrive again and lose, lose lose.
Alright...I guess thats it.