Well I have nothing new to really update on. AF is still here...just waiting around (as noted in a previous post, TTC is really all a TON of waiting). I can't pee on anything yet. Not set to ovulate for probably another week at least (closer to 8-11 days) so here I am.
I feel kind of lost.
A long time ago, when Dion finally said we could TTC I told him over and over that for so many women don't get pragnant on the first shot and that sometimes it takes SEVERAL months to catch it because everything has to be perfect. Saying it then, and obviously getting pg on our first try has spoiled me. Time after time now I have been let down. I blame me, my body, the things that are wrong with me. For not trying sooner or trying for more days after ovulation, for not using a lubricant since I have "dry" issues and I just kind of feel lost and almost hopeless.
I have found god. I believe in him. I want to be more like him. I want to pray and reach out to people and help them but I want him to help me. I need him I cannot create a child on my own, it is only in his time that this will happen and I don't want to wait any longer.
It dawned on me this morning looking at a friends 30 week belly pics on myspace. A friend that got pregnant a few weeks after me. That today I should be 37 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks is considered by most to be full term. I should be huge and round and hating it, wanting to meet my baby and instead I am going through the motions of life, waiting, waiting to O waiting to test, waiting for GOD to give me this creation, always waiting, waiting to start worrying, waiting to just be given the opportunity.
This weekend we hung out at my sister's for her 25th bday party. There was a woman, a nice lady in fact, she must have been about 7 months along. Talking about how it feels to feel like her stomach is going to explode with the movement's coming from within. I see pictures of all my friends near and far that are with child, I avoid luncheon's with friends that are pg right now. I'm jealous and furious and still trying. to. be. positive and have faith. Faith that it is out of my hands but that HE sees how much I need this and will answer my prayers this cycle. I pray and pray and pray and sometimes when I pray, I feel like he's listening and understands and other times, it just seems like words are coming out of my mouth.
So I guess in general I say again...I'm just feeling kind of lost. I'm down but I think other people are tired of hearing me talk about it. I cry every day still thinking about Kylie, thinking about losing her, what we've been through and the long journey ahead of us.
My sister said to me a few weeks ago after I lost Kylie that she "didn't know if I'd ever be the same again", she felt I was beginning to get my "spirit" back. I think its a front. I'm not the same. Friends don't see it, family doesn't I don't even know if Dion sees it but I am forever changed.
So here I sit and wait and hope.
I just cried when I read through that...oh, I have been there, in your shoes....I don't know exactly how you feel but I can say that God gave me blessings beyond anything I ever could have imagined...for after saying goodbye to Brenden at 20 weeks....God restored and now I have six immense blessings. Oh, hon....you are right. This will forever change you, for Kylie is forever a part of you.
Shining light (what's your real name, so I don't have to call you by your screen name)
Thank you for following in my journal for that last comment. I do know that god can and will bless me again with a child and you are proof of that! Thank you for giving me some perspective and hope!
I have nothing to say really today....Just wanted to give a shout out to a new friend Nancy who really made my day this morning by totally emailing me randomly and letting me know that I had touched her life and that she wa rooting for me.
I feel blessed in so many ways today.
still torn and confused about some things but I know god will work all of those things out for me, I need not worry about them.
My name is Rachael. I had many complications while pregnant-incompetent cervix, preeclampisa, diabetes, many, many miscarriages due to progesterone deficiency....I was pregnant a total of ten times. I also prayed and prayed for a daughter...ten years! I laugh now b/c I think I prayed too hard-with my marriage to my husband I gained two daughters plus we have our own daughter who brings me much joy. I was so certain that I was never going to have a second child that would live...but God knew my heartache. It's why I can look forward to heaven...I know I will see my babies again. I know you will see Kylie again. It's been 12 years this year that I said goodbye to Brenden-and I still celebrate his birthday, and I still think about him. He was born July 10, 1996. God gave me Hannah (my last baby) on July 13, 2008. Kinda ironic, isn't it?
Ryan and Rachael
Parents to Chase, Abby, Hunter, Rachel, Caleb, Hannah & Nate
~Remembering sweet baby Oliver, born to Heaven October 20, 2009, & keeping Carole in our prayers~
Why is it that time goes by sooooo slow when you are waiting for something?
It feels like I've been on this cycle for like months and its only day 12...LOL....I may not even ovulate for like 5 more days. I have to be honest though and I'm really hoping for tomorrow or Weds at the latest.
I will be testing no matter where I'm at in my cycle on Kylie's due date, February 16th. So I'm hoping that if I O early enough like CD13 or 14 that by Feb 16th.....I'll be able to see my BFP (positive thinking here)!
When I realized yesterday that it was February 1st....the almighty first day of February, the first day in the month that I was due. It brought me to tears....hmmm..actually it still does.
Today Feb 2nd.....knowing that I should be giving birth exactly 2 weeks from today, brings me to my knees in prayer. I shouldn't be worrying about peeing on anything.....I SHOULD BE GIVING BIRTH...does anyone actually realize that?
I have to find the strength not to give up, to keep praying and to keep hoping and to keep thinking positively about THIS cycle. During this cycle that I should never have to even be dealing with because I should be nesting and restless, aching to see the little one that's been beating me from the inside, worried and stressed about parenthood. THIS has to be my cycle because I'm afraid of what it means if its not.
I will be staying hopeful and doing everything in my power to make sure that this is the one, not only for me, but for my husband because we both need this.
It's hard to walk into the room across the hall (the nursery) and see the crib, the bedding, the walls still taped for painting, the pink we had started to paint with and didn't need to finish.
These are really random thoughts by the way....but for some reason today...I needed to get it out.
Last night I had a dream and you were in it, and all I remember about it was that you were crying and crying, and I was just hugging you saying, "It's okay, Jen. We'll get through this."
I would have had my baby yesterday or today. (Scheduled C-section ~ Needs to be about 2 weeks before the due date.) It's a bit of a shock to think of What Could Have Been.
So sorry, Jen. We'll be okay.
It feels like I just lost her again. I don't know how I should be feeling like 5 months after losing her but in this month where the days seem numbered (14 more days till due date) it just seems so very real again.
I remember getting out of my hammock, standing up and thinking, whoa am I sweaty or am I tinkling, am I bleeding?? OMG. I wasnt upset or crying, i just wanted to get to the bathroom to see what was going on. the drive to the hospital seemed to take forever, each little bump, word or smile I felt more wet and so I tried to do NOTHING, to keep every last drop in. Worried just a little bit but REALLY, honestly thought everything would be ok. Maybe I'll go on bed rest or have to stay in the hospital for a little while, would I get to be out of work for a few days. All such meaningless, emotionless thoughts that haunt me still.
I remember now, Dion pushing me into the hospital in a wheelchair he stole from the emergency room, the water leaking down my leg, being so embarrassed as if someone were to think I was peeing myself. I remember him being so hurried that we ran into the door of the labor and delivery and I sort of laughed about it. The doctor coming in and doing the tests, her heart beat sooo faint on that stomach heartbeat monitor and I wished that I had mine with me so I could show them she was alright. Like I had something to prove or something.
I remember thinking that this would be such a cool story to tell Kylie after she was born and about how much trouble she caused in mommy's belly, never thinking that with today's technology, medical miracles and honestly just me being totally naive that m/c occured after the 1st trimester was over, even as the doctor was talking to me after she tested to see if it was amniotic fluid and doing the u/s and SEEING with my own 2 eyes that something was just not right....where is she, I can't even make her out on the screen, where is all the "blackness"? I NEVER thought, the whole time, that she wouldn't be here to tell the story too. I had just felt her this morning, even on the way to the hospital I felt her.
In an instant, 1 very serious moment, it hit me. The docs weren't telling me the choices I had to SAVE my child, they were telling me she wouldn't. they were preparing me for what was to come, the loss of a child not the hard road ahead of taking care of a premie or the hardships of bedrest.
The epidural, all I had to do was shake my head in that one special way and dion yelled to the nurse..."she really is going to throw up" then me throwing up, my legs shaking sitting on the edge of the bed, not being able to even tell the nurses how I was feeling because every freaking time they asked me a question, I just cried and cried. I remember being physically and emotionally exhausted that night, I wasn't in any pain. I must have laid there for like 4 or 5 hours, just crying, thinking about all the stuff I wouldn't get to do like walk her to kindergarden, plan her wedding, hear her voice, just freaking see her smile, how all the people around me would react....trying to figure out how I was reacting to it all.
I wasn't sure what delivery would be like, would I be pushing for hours, would it hurt, maybe contractions wouldn't start and they'd realize that they made a mistake and everything was going to be alright. When it finally came, I had known it was starting already, the contractions were stronger, like cramps and I just kind of knew it was time. Would they let me see her, would it be like in the movies, would she be breathing or her little heart beating?
My god, holding her in my arms.....looking back at the pictures of her. She looks like an alien in most of them but on that day, at that moment...the thing I kept saying in my head is "omg, its a baby"...she was really in there wasn't she. THOSE feet were the ones kicking me, I wasn't making it up. I didn't just dream it. and OMG look at her lips, her face....its perfect...like a "real" baby. and oh my god, are those fingernails.....look honey...look at her fingernails, so small it was like clippings of our own fingernails. I was proud of her. I felt like a mother, looking down on MY child, our child. WE HAD CREATED A PERSON and she was there in my arms. Is that how it feels to give birth (like live birth). I just sat there. I don't think I cried, just held her and looked at her. This teeny tiny lil human that just came out of me, I was no longer pregnant, I wasn't going to have a baby, this was it.
I look back now and think that I was too focused on other people. I gave her to the nurses too soon because I kept thinking they wanted to do "their stuff". I didn't talk to her enough or hold her hand long enough, give her enough kisses because I wasn't sure what other people did in that situation. Was I holding them all up? Was it weird to talk outloud to your dead child? To want to hold her hand and kiss her? I wasnt sure and now looking back, i shouldn't have cared.
Walking out of the hospital, down the elevator, waiting for Dion to get the car. I wondered if each person I passed in the hallway just knew the tragic loss I suffered, did I have "CHILDLESS MOTHER" tattooed on my forehead. I didn't want to go back home, I wanted to stay there in the hospital forever.
We went to Target before we went home. wearing my hospital bracelets and Dion's sweat pants he'd brought me from home. I made 1 wrong turn and there it was "the baby section". I just glared at it, step by step moving closer to it and there it was....the TINY pink robe I was JUST going to buy the day before. The lil robe with the hood on it to keep my baby warm after bathtime. After all the bath's I had dreamed about, me kissing her soft clean bald baby head and smelling my precious clean lil girl, her cooing in my arms and looking up at me smiling. I think I almost collapsed right in the middle of the aisle. Dion held me while I tried to catch my breath after a few minutes...we got our things and went home.
I wanted to go in the nursery so bad. Dion had the stroller picked up and out of the house, all my maternity clothes in totes, the furniture still pushed in the middle of the room since he had started painting the walls just the weekend before that, bunny's nose pink....so cute our nursery is. I wanted to go in there to show the room that it was ok, I was strong enough to take it and I did. I just looked at all the stuff. All the things that made no sense being in that room now. A crib, what the hell was I going to do with a crib. MY rocker which I'd already begun to sit in and talk for hours with my little girl, give her advice and tell her how much I loved her. I hated that chair now....just sitting there, looking at me, wanting me to rock in it and me just hating it.
The rest I suppose is pretty typical...it felt really all to normal. It was still my house, my dog, the groceries I had just bought we're still in there. I still had to unpack my bag from the race weekend. It was my TV I watched while I laid in my bed and while it all felt just the same, like I had returned from a vacation, you know that weird sense of being in your own house again after being away a few days. It was all just really really weird and different.
Something about today.....2 weeks from my due date....2 weeks from ME supposed to be holding my little girl Kylie....the same Kylie I think of constantly and talk about to some....I should be pushing her OUT of my body, so anxious to meet her right now. Counting down the days until I do get to meet her. Something about today....made me recount these moments. Has made me feel like I just lost her all over again. The tears streaming down my face, me not wanting to be at work or focus any energy on anything but greiving for her and missing her, feeling guilty for smiling and laughing and carrying on meaningless conversations.
Just for the record....these next few weeks are going to suck.
Jen I just wanted to send you as many as possible and for you to know that you are ALWAYS in my prayers... I hope that God brings you peace these next couple of weeks and just know that we all love you so....
- 11/18/08, 12/21/08, 04/13/09 ectopic