Through darkness comes miracles....

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Through darkness comes miracles....

**Feel free to post in my journal, I welcome the comments and banter!!** Smile

Well I've wanted to create a new journal for quite sometime now but everytime I tried to start it, I could never think of quite the right words.

I always feel like I should begin with an intro but I did that with my last one. Then I feel like I should talk about my loss and the reason for having to start over. I should tell you about us and where we are and where I'll be going with this but instead of what I "should" do I'm just going to do what I WANT to do.

This is my journal. I will discuss Kylie (our angel), I will eventually tell her story, maybe bookmark my previous journal, I will talk about our current TTC struggles and feats and hopefully eventually this will turn into my pregnancy journal and the journal about raising our wonderful family.

For now....I just wanted to start it....the first post is always the hardest.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

(previous journal link pg 5)
TTC-Cycles 1 and 2........................ Pages 1 and 2
TTC-Cycle # 3...............................Pages 3-7 (Kylie's Due Date pg 7)
BFP Announcement........................ Page 8
Prego-First Trimester...................... Page 8-15
Prego-Second Trimester...................Page 15-21
Prego-Third and FINAL Trimester.......Page 22-25
ADDISON-Birth story and beyond.......Page 25+

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January 2nd, 2008

Today is our 7 year anniversary. Not officially anymore of course since we were married last year, but "technically" Dion and I have been together for 7 years.

Its amazing how long ago it seems the day I met him and all that has happened since then.

We are going to Olive Garden after work for a celebratory dinner, just a nice way to be together.

Since I'll be ovulating in the next 5-10 days and it is a "holiday" I'm sure we'll :lovebed:! Wink

(Oh I forgot to add that since this is MY journal, I can talk about anything that would normally be too much info (TMI) without hesitation.

Today is CD (cycle day) 9 of our 2nd cycle trying after our late miscarriage with Kylie in September.

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Jan 3rd, 2009, CD 10

Yesterday was fun, we ate some dinner, did a little shopping and laid around in bed together the whole rest of the night. Smile

Today is the MRA banquet. I'm usually really psyched about it but this year I'm a little bummed. Usually the banquet is in February and since I was due in February I had always envisioned going to it this year big, huge and round. Only 10-15 racers even knew we were pregnant when I lost her and since the last time I saw them all I was just getting round, I don't know if I'm more nervous for someone to say something about it OR for nobody to say anything. Does that even make sense?

I guess, I feel like I'm constantly thinking about Kylie, whenever a child or baby is mentioned or in the room, I'm thinking about her. I sometimes wonder, people who haven't suffered a loss who know about mine, are they thinking about it in an awkward sense, do I say something or dont I or if it even occurs to them that she is constantly on my mind?

Hmmmmm......

Anyways....I'm doing well with my weight loss goals still this week, the girls on the TTCAL (trying to conceive after a loss) boards are pretty much my saving grace, they all know what it feels like to loss their angel, most not as far along as I was but it seems a loss is a loss. Anyways the BL (biggest loser) competition we've got going is really helping me stay focused. I'm realllly hoping I get pg this cycle which would be right around when the competition ends AND that I'm out of the 140's! I can't believe I let myself get thus huge again. Sad

I've always heard that cycles seem to get longer and longer the more you try without success.....seeing as this is only cycle #2 after Kylies loss....I totally understand now......I JUST WANT TO OVULATE already....it feels like its taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get here! I'm sure the 2ww (two week wait) will be excruciating.

Keeping my fingers crossed and praying to god every single night that this is our time!

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Jan 3rd cont...

Oh sometime this week in the mail I got the lab results from my doctor, At our last appt she had mentioned almost in passing that I was positive for a blood disease called MTHFR.

I'm not quite sure I fully understand what it is BUT having talked to some other gals about it and researching on the net I have found that it can cause recurring m/c (miscarriage), pre-eclampsia, blood clots, vascular disease, chromosone defects....wait here's a scary blurb about the strains I carry.....

Compound heterozygosity of C677T and A1298C occurs in approximately 20% of the Caucasian population and is also a risk for increased homocysteine levels. In addition, homozygosity of C677T and compound heterozygosity of C677T and A1298C result in a 2-3 fold risk of folate-sensitive neural tube defects.

So at my last appt my doc prescribed me cerefolin, basically its an easy absorbable Folic acid, B6 and B12 vitamin to help a pregnancy develop because the prenatal alone my not provide enough nutrient to a growing fetus. so I'm now taking that, prenatals and baby aspirin. I have been told that when I become pregnant having been diagnosed with this, I may have to start levenox shots, which is a daily shot, into my STOMACH to help do something......I don't fully understand it and haven't done enough research to try to explain it.

THIS pretty much just scares the $hit out of me. Not only am I already freaked out TTC (trying to conceive) again after having such a late m/c but now I have to worry about THIS also and on top of possibly being faced with higher risk for spina bifida and downs.....AGAIN!!!! Sad

Why can't I just be normal, have an uneventful pregnancy, be b*tching like everyone else about how miserable 3rd trimester is, instead of dealing with loss and issue after issue.

Oh well, I'm playing the cards I was dealt and counting on god to make the most of it! Smile

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here are some more scary pg (pregnant) related facts about MTHFR. Sad

I may talk about this quite a bit for a few days till I fully understand it..

Evaluation of women with recurrent pregnancy loss, unexplained severe pre-eclampsia, placental abruption, fetal growth retardation, stillbirth, or neural tube defects in offspring

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January 6th, CD 13

A woman named Aimee (OurSecretWish) wrote these thoughts. She wrote those words for her son that was lost. I feel they truly express my inner most feelings and wishes. I thank her tremendously for allowing me to post them here and re-read her words everyday in hopes that one day we will both have our miracles.

What I would give to get those double lines on a pregnancy test...

What I would give to have that wave of nausea take over me and make me sick day after day, as I would KNOW my baby is healthy...

What I would give to feel backpain because my healthy child is playing happily inside me...

What I would give to feel bleeding hemarroids because the blood is flowing fast for my childs wellbeing and the pressure of his healthy weight is pressing against me...

What I would give for breasts that can become uncomfortable because my body is preparing nourishing food for my unborn child...

What I would give for permanent stretch marks that can come because my child is growing at a healthy rate...

What I would give for headaches from hormones that are helping to sustain my childs existence.

What I would give for my husband to have to pull me out of bed because I am getting to large to manage on my own...

What I would give to say no to that drink of alcohol or to move away from that cigarette smoke, because I know I am protecting the health of my child..

What would I give??? I would give my right arm to feel all these things and more!!..

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January 7th, CD 14

I'm on CD 14 and so far not even a HINT of a 2nd line on an opk. This is worrying me a little bit.

What if I don't ovulate this cycle...what if my fears of only ovulating every other cycle are true ( since I only have the 1 good fallopian tube) :sad11:

That means I will have only 6 chances each year of getting prego....I'm like really truly bummed about this.

BUT it is fairly early in my cycle and MAYBE all women don't get positive opk's for them to ovulate...I should research it. (although I hav gotten lines before soo....)

Hmmm...maybe I'll just O late....With Kylie's pregnancy I didn't O until CD 17...so maybe I'm just running a little late this month.

We'll find out soon enough I suppose.

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January 8th, CD 15

So finally yesterday I got a hint of a line on an opk (ovulation predictor kit, for my non prego friends, basically you pee on a stick, like a home prego test and if you start to get a dark 2nd line, it means your about to ovulate) which means get your booty in the sack :lovebed:

so anyways...yesterday's line is still considered negative but at least there was a start so hopefully today its super dark and I'll just ovulate!

Oh I lost 3 lbs this week! I'm doing a Biggest Loser competition with some gals on this forum (wasssup TTCAL 'ers,~MWAH~) and its really helping me to stay motivated. There is 1 week left in the competition and so far I'm down 7.8 lbs....my ultimate goal is to be at 135 (though if I get the chance to hit that, I will drop it to 130) I'm seriously hoping I get knocked up before then though so keep your fingers crossed :goodluck:

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January 12th, 4DPO (days past ovulation)

Well, I finally O'd.....on CD 15...not even too late but the funny thing about this cycle was that I never even got a hint of a line until the day I actually ovulated...sooo not sure how I feel about that or if its normal and I don't care....it still means I ovulated and our :lovebed: timing was great, in my opinion! Smile

I'm praying SO SO SO SO very hard that this cycle is the one. I just really need this, everyday I think more and more that I just need to be a mom.

So I'll test on January 19th, hey which is Martin Luther Kind day, which means nothing really other than I jsut noticed it. I will be 11DPO and should have a good indication either way of stuff! If you are reading this, PLEASE pray for me! Smile

A co-worker sent me a chain email of sorts and usually I don't even read them but the first line caught my attention and I think it makes good sense to post it here and now....

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

just seemed important to me somehow and I wanted to save it. I obviously relate it to my loss of Kylie and I truely hope and pray that he has a plan and a reason for everything.

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January 13th (5DPO)

Not much to report on.....I'm not really one to analyze symptoms or even give them a second thought....so I'm pretty sure I haven't had any.

My temp was kind of low today which could mean
#1-nothing
#2-that I'm not pregnant
#3 that its an implantation dip, a bit early. Smile

We shall see. Seems like the time is going by SOOO slow...I can't wait till the earliest day I can start testing is. I always say I'm going to wait until a certain day (usually 10 or 11 DPO) but the "itch" just gets to me....I set my date of testing is 11DPO, January 19th. I'll be lucky to make it to the 18th to start though. Maybe I'll test at 9dpo then if I see nothing then skip a day and test when I "should".....ehhh we'll see. I'm just so nervous and anxious.

So the diet hasn't been going so well this week. I haven't been working out and my eating habits have been less than par. I gotta kick this back in gear, I have a weigh in, in 2 days. Ok....done. I'm back on the wagon and will work out tonight and tomorrow and hopefully at least try to save my week and lose at least .5 lbs from last weeks weight, :fingers crossed: which wouldn't make me the winner of the challenge but would at least be good for me, then next week I should be able to kick it into overdrive again and lose, lose lose.

Alright...I guess thats it.

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January 15th (7DPO)

I'm am soooo not one for symptoms, I think every pregnancy symptom can be explained.

Having said that, I do have some cramping in my tummy today (which is probably because today is my cheat day and I've been eating like crap). My boobs are a tiny bit senstive (again, they might always feel this way, I just don't normally "check" how my boobs feel on a daily basis to know if there is a difference). I'm kind of achy in general, almost like a sickness (maybe I'm getting a cold). I'm going to end on that note. I just wanted to get a couple of "non-symptoms" on paper.

Ohhhh I totally won our first round of the BIGGEST LOSER competition in the TTCAL boards! WOO HOO! I'm down 9.6 lbs and 6.3% of my total body weight. AMAZING!! Here's a before and after pic from the competition!

http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showpost.php?p=5904058&postcount=316

I think I'm not going to be able to hold out till Monday to test. I think Friday sounds like a better day but I'll only be 8DPO....its too early, I know. Maybe Saturdday I could try and then if its neg, I'll wait till Monday to test again, my period should be here on Tuesday or Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed and PRAY for me if you're reading this! PLEASE!

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Jan 16th, (8DPO)

So my non symptoms I was talking about yesterday are totally explainable. I forgot I had been holding Logan (a friends baby) the night before yesterday and when they came over yesterday and I picked him up again, I felt the soreness in my boobs I was talking about before.

Also I had forgotten that I worked out for over an hour the day before also which would would explain the overall body soreness.

You see...this is what happens when I don't think through things all the way.

Temps are still good, although I've been having to "adjust" them nearly everyday because I've been taking my lil brother to work each morning at different times....sooooo you just never know. If it's happened, it's obviously already happened so no point in stressing myself out over it.

I'm supposed to test on Monday, it'll be like 1 or 2 days before my period should be here....I just don't think I can wait. I might test tomorrow morn, IF I can hold out, I'm sure ill try it on Sunday!

Keep praying and sending thoughts my way please!

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cont...

Sooo I was making my sandwich at lunch and a co-worker walked up to me and asked if I was ok. I said yah and she asked if I was pregnant. I told her, no not that I'm aware of.

She said she sometimes get a vibe about certain things and I had this "vibe" about me so she thought she'd ask. (she knows about my loss and everything, so I wasn't offended, we're close)

I don't really believe in these kinds of things but DEAR LORD if you are listening, please let this be my time! amen.

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I am praying like no other....your chart is looking GREAT!

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January 19th, 11DPO

I HATE TTC.

There I've said it. The gammit of emotions is most of the time just overwhelming and almost unbearable to take.

maybe if I had not suffered a loss I would fee differently, maybe it would be fun still, getting to practice and try and anxiously wait but now...its seems pointless and stupid and I do not like it one bit.

So your period comes, your totally bummed out (because your hopes for that entire cycle have just been dashed) everything you have been praying for and hoping for, talking and thinking about....gone. So now for a week or so, you bleed, you're crampy, fat, irritable, emotional and you know there is 100% chance you are not with child, so your period ends, the next 8-14 (in my case) days are spent holding your urine until you are about to burst, in hopes of getting a + opk, checking cervical mucus, peeing on opk's analyzing every single one, trying to see the beginnings of a faint line in hopes that you will soon ovulate. You DTD, even when you don't want to because "you just never know", you wake up early to temp, try to remember if your mouth was open this morning, did you turn the heat up or down, could anything be affecting your temps?
Then you ovulate :yahoo:. For one day (maybe 2) you go at it like rabbits, all your hopes and dreams riding on just these few days, you pray and pray and lay around with your legs in the air like an idiot just trying to help the lil swimmers do as much as you can. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders, THIS is what you've been waiting for.

The next 10-14 days you spend analyzing every single twinge and smell or feeling. Waiting (AGAIN) until you think its been long enough so that you can pee on some more sticks. analyzing AGAIN to see if you can see any faint inklings of a 2nd line or a + sign. Not drinking, avoiding almost everyone so that you dont have to talk about the TTC process, you're too scared to work out (because what if you are prego), you annoy even yourself by reading into every known and unknown pregnancy symptom known to man. You analyze your temps, Oh are they still high, high enough to mean I'm still in the game? was that a implantation dip? Almost every time, your hopes will be dashed again, when the witch show's her ugly face, time after time. You start all over again, every 27 days

So I say again...I HATE TTC.

This all just to start the worrying process, will I miscarry again? Will my body give out on me, will I ever have a child, will it be healthy? When do I tell people? when are doctors appts, is it still alive? am I doing the right things? Am I ready now? Is this "his time" or just another test?

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wow girl - you just summed up my EXACT feelings right there!!! Smile

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January 20th, 12 DPO

After my huge temp drop this morning, again. I'm just waiting for the ol hag to arrive. Nothing yet but I'm really just hoping she comes today so I can start a new cycle and move on. If she comes in the next day or so my next EDD would still be at the end of October, so I kind of feel lucky to get 2 chances at October.

here's my chart so far....tell me that isn't deceiving, look at those nice high temps...just get higher and higher...all until the 17th, the day I decide to POAS...seriously.....it's almost cruel looking at it. blah.

alright well I'm ready to move forward and not dwell, when the time is right it will happen! I'll again just be trying double hard this coming month.

With Kylie's due date just around the corner 27 days away actually. I'm hoping I can get through the month without too much resentment. I will have to try extra hard to keep my faith and hope strong. Pray alot to help me get through this time and lean on friends and family who may or may not want me to.

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Jen, loved your post about hating ttc, so poetic! I wish I was brave enough to post it on facebook or my blog or something, but then ppl would tell me I was obsessing. lol

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January 22, CD1

Booo :blueface:

so my stupid period came. Sad It took longer than I thought it would have this month to come. I was really pretty bummed about it because it felt like a TON of things were lining up:
My cycle started on christmas
I got a +opk
our timing was perfect
I'd been praying
My temps were soo good for awhile
I would have ended my first trimester on my birthday
just so many outside and inside things really felt like this was the one....alas...I was wrong.

It's ok though. AF (aunt flow) is here....I'm ready to move on. There is nothing I can do to change the past only look to the future. This was not his time for me.

1 good thing is that I get to continue the biggest loser quest for another 2 weeks hardcore and then 2 weeks after that carefully but still to lose some weight and I think I might have some faith that I CAN get down to my pre-pregnancy weight by then which would be 135....soooo That's my goal. I need to lose 7 lbs in about 3 weeks time.

I have so many friends on pg.org that I feel are pulling for me and supporting me and encouraging me and praying for me. Eventually god will get sick of listening to all these prayers and just make it happen right? Smile

I think that if I don't get pg (pregnant) by cycle #6, although it would be early in the process I would like to call my doctor and see what other suggestions she might have, either for testing or things to try, even if she wants to refer me to someone else. I can not wait 9 months or a year if it's not happening. I've been through too much to have to suffer that much longer. Just this next cycle feels like its going to kill me if we don't get it.

anyways....onto cycle #3 I guess.

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Oh my next EDD (estimated due date) is October 29th, 2009. I should ovulate sometime around February 5th. IF that happens it would put me at like 11DPO for Kylies due date and I could POAS for her due date.

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January 26, CD5

Well I have nothing new to really update on. AF is still here...just waiting around (as noted in a previous post, TTC is really all a TON of waiting). I can't pee on anything yet. Not set to ovulate for probably another week at least (closer to 8-11 days) so here I am.

I feel kind of lost.

A long time ago, when Dion finally said we could TTC I told him over and over that for so many women don't get pragnant on the first shot and that sometimes it takes SEVERAL months to catch it because everything has to be perfect. Saying it then, and obviously getting pg on our first try has spoiled me. Time after time now I have been let down. I blame me, my body, the things that are wrong with me. For not trying sooner or trying for more days after ovulation, for not using a lubricant since I have "dry" issues and I just kind of feel lost and almost hopeless.

I have found god. I believe in him. I want to be more like him. I want to pray and reach out to people and help them but I want him to help me. I need him I cannot create a child on my own, it is only in his time that this will happen and I don't want to wait any longer.

It dawned on me this morning looking at a friends 30 week belly pics on myspace. A friend that got pregnant a few weeks after me. That today I should be 37 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks is considered by most to be full term. I should be huge and round and hating it, wanting to meet my baby and instead I am going through the motions of life, waiting, waiting to O waiting to test, waiting for GOD to give me this creation, always waiting, waiting to start worrying, waiting to just be given the opportunity.

This weekend we hung out at my sister's for her 25th bday party. There was a woman, a nice lady in fact, she must have been about 7 months along. Talking about how it feels to feel like her stomach is going to explode with the movement's coming from within. I see pictures of all my friends near and far that are with child, I avoid luncheon's with friends that are pg right now. I'm jealous and furious and still trying. to. be. positive and have faith. Faith that it is out of my hands but that HE sees how much I need this and will answer my prayers this cycle. I pray and pray and pray and sometimes when I pray, I feel like he's listening and understands and other times, it just seems like words are coming out of my mouth.

So I guess in general I say again...I'm just feeling kind of lost. I'm down but I think other people are tired of hearing me talk about it. I cry every day still thinking about Kylie, thinking about losing her, what we've been through and the long journey ahead of us.

My sister said to me a few weeks ago after I lost Kylie that she "didn't know if I'd ever be the same again", she felt I was beginning to get my "spirit" back. I think its a front. I'm not the same. Friends don't see it, family doesn't I don't even know if Dion sees it but I am forever changed.

So here I sit and wait and hope.

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:bighug: I just cried when I read through that...oh, I have been there, in your shoes....I don't know exactly how you feel but I can say that God gave me blessings beyond anything I ever could have imagined...for after saying goodbye to Brenden at 20 weeks....God restored and now I have six immense blessings. :bighug: Oh, hon....you are right. This will forever change you, for Kylie is forever a part of you.

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Shining light (what's your real name, so I don't have to call you by your screen name)

Thank you for following in my journal for that last comment. I do know that god can and will bless me again with a child and you are proof of that! Thank you for giving me some perspective and hope!

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January 28th, 2008 CD 7

I have nothing to say really today....Just wanted to give a shout out to a new friend Nancy who really made my day this morning by totally emailing me randomly and letting me know that I had touched her life and that she wa rooting for me.

I feel blessed in so many ways today.

still torn and confused about some things but I know god will work all of those things out for me, I need not worry about them.

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My name is Rachael. I had many complications while pregnant-incompetent cervix, preeclampisa, diabetes, many, many miscarriages due to progesterone deficiency....I was pregnant a total of ten times. I also prayed and prayed for a daughter...ten years! I laugh now b/c I think I prayed too hard-with my marriage to my husband I gained two daughters plus we have our own daughter who brings me much joy. I was so certain that I was never going to have a second child that would live...but God knew my heartache. It's why I can look forward to heaven...I know I will see my babies again. I know you will see Kylie again. It's been 12 years this year that I said goodbye to Brenden-and I still celebrate his birthday, and I still think about him. He was born July 10, 1996. God gave me Hannah (my last baby) on July 13, 2008. Kinda ironic, isn't it? Smile

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February 2nd, CD12

Why is it that time goes by sooooo slow when you are waiting for something?

It feels like I've been on this cycle for like months and its only day 12...LOL....I may not even ovulate for like 5 more days. I have to be honest though and I'm really hoping for tomorrow or Weds at the latest.

I will be testing no matter where I'm at in my cycle on Kylie's due date, February 16th. So I'm hoping that if I O early enough like CD13 or 14 that by Feb 16th.....I'll be able to see my BFP (positive thinking here)!

When I realized yesterday that it was February 1st....the almighty first day of February, the first day in the month that I was due. It brought me to tears....hmmm..actually it still does.

Today Feb 2nd.....knowing that I should be giving birth exactly 2 weeks from today, brings me to my knees in prayer. I shouldn't be worrying about peeing on anything.....I SHOULD BE GIVING BIRTH...does anyone actually realize that?

I have to find the strength not to give up, to keep praying and to keep hoping and to keep thinking positively about THIS cycle. During this cycle that I should never have to even be dealing with because I should be nesting and restless, aching to see the little one that's been beating me from the inside, worried and stressed about parenthood. THIS has to be my cycle because I'm afraid of what it means if its not.

I will be staying hopeful and doing everything in my power to make sure that this is the one, not only for me, but for my husband because we both need this.

It's hard to walk into the room across the hall (the nursery) and see the crib, the bedding, the walls still taped for painting, the pink we had started to paint with and didn't need to finish.

These are really random thoughts by the way....but for some reason today...I needed to get it out.

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Last night I had a dream and you were in it, and all I remember about it was that you were crying and crying, and I was just hugging you saying, "It's okay, Jen. We'll get through this."
I would have had my baby yesterday or today. (Scheduled C-section ~ Needs to be about 2 weeks before the due date.) It's a bit of a shock to think of What Could Have Been.
So sorry, Jen. We'll be okay. :bighug:

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cont...

The rememberings...

It feels like I just lost her again. I don't know how I should be feeling like 5 months after losing her but in this month where the days seem numbered (14 more days till due date) it just seems so very real again.

I remember getting out of my hammock, standing up and thinking, whoa am I sweaty or am I tinkling, am I bleeding?? OMG. I wasnt upset or crying, i just wanted to get to the bathroom to see what was going on. the drive to the hospital seemed to take forever, each little bump, word or smile I felt more wet and so I tried to do NOTHING, to keep every last drop in. Worried just a little bit but REALLY, honestly thought everything would be ok. Maybe I'll go on bed rest or have to stay in the hospital for a little while, would I get to be out of work for a few days. All such meaningless, emotionless thoughts that haunt me still.

I remember now, Dion pushing me into the hospital in a wheelchair he stole from the emergency room, the water leaking down my leg, being so embarrassed as if someone were to think I was peeing myself. I remember him being so hurried that we ran into the door of the labor and delivery and I sort of laughed about it. The doctor coming in and doing the tests, her heart beat sooo faint on that stomach heartbeat monitor and I wished that I had mine with me so I could show them she was alright. Like I had something to prove or something.

I remember thinking that this would be such a cool story to tell Kylie after she was born and about how much trouble she caused in mommy's belly, never thinking that with today's technology, medical miracles and honestly just me being totally naive that m/c occured after the 1st trimester was over, even as the doctor was talking to me after she tested to see if it was amniotic fluid and doing the u/s and SEEING with my own 2 eyes that something was just not right....where is she, I can't even make her out on the screen, where is all the "blackness"? I NEVER thought, the whole time, that she wouldn't be here to tell the story too. I had just felt her this morning, even on the way to the hospital I felt her.

In an instant, 1 very serious moment, it hit me. The docs weren't telling me the choices I had to SAVE my child, they were telling me she wouldn't. they were preparing me for what was to come, the loss of a child not the hard road ahead of taking care of a premie or the hardships of bedrest.

The epidural, all I had to do was shake my head in that one special way and dion yelled to the nurse..."she really is going to throw up" then me throwing up, my legs shaking sitting on the edge of the bed, not being able to even tell the nurses how I was feeling because every freaking time they asked me a question, I just cried and cried. I remember being physically and emotionally exhausted that night, I wasn't in any pain. I must have laid there for like 4 or 5 hours, just crying, thinking about all the stuff I wouldn't get to do like walk her to kindergarden, plan her wedding, hear her voice, just freaking see her smile, how all the people around me would react....trying to figure out how I was reacting to it all.

I wasn't sure what delivery would be like, would I be pushing for hours, would it hurt, maybe contractions wouldn't start and they'd realize that they made a mistake and everything was going to be alright. When it finally came, I had known it was starting already, the contractions were stronger, like cramps and I just kind of knew it was time. Would they let me see her, would it be like in the movies, would she be breathing or her little heart beating?

My god, holding her in my arms.....looking back at the pictures of her. She looks like an alien in most of them but on that day, at that moment...the thing I kept saying in my head is "omg, its a baby"...she was really in there wasn't she. THOSE feet were the ones kicking me, I wasn't making it up. I didn't just dream it. and OMG look at her lips, her face....its perfect...like a "real" baby. and oh my god, are those fingernails.....look honey...look at her fingernails, so small it was like clippings of our own fingernails. I was proud of her. I felt like a mother, looking down on MY child, our child. WE HAD CREATED A PERSON and she was there in my arms. Is that how it feels to give birth (like live birth). I just sat there. I don't think I cried, just held her and looked at her. This teeny tiny lil human that just came out of me, I was no longer pregnant, I wasn't going to have a baby, this was it.

I look back now and think that I was too focused on other people. I gave her to the nurses too soon because I kept thinking they wanted to do "their stuff". I didn't talk to her enough or hold her hand long enough, give her enough kisses because I wasn't sure what other people did in that situation. Was I holding them all up? Was it weird to talk outloud to your dead child? To want to hold her hand and kiss her? I wasnt sure and now looking back, i shouldn't have cared.

Walking out of the hospital, down the elevator, waiting for Dion to get the car. I wondered if each person I passed in the hallway just knew the tragic loss I suffered, did I have "CHILDLESS MOTHER" tattooed on my forehead. I didn't want to go back home, I wanted to stay there in the hospital forever.

We went to Target before we went home. wearing my hospital bracelets and Dion's sweat pants he'd brought me from home. I made 1 wrong turn and there it was "the baby section". I just glared at it, step by step moving closer to it and there it was....the TINY pink robe I was JUST going to buy the day before. The lil robe with the hood on it to keep my baby warm after bathtime. After all the bath's I had dreamed about, me kissing her soft clean bald baby head and smelling my precious clean lil girl, her cooing in my arms and looking up at me smiling. I think I almost collapsed right in the middle of the aisle. Dion held me while I tried to catch my breath after a few minutes...we got our things and went home.

I wanted to go in the nursery so bad. Dion had the stroller picked up and out of the house, all my maternity clothes in totes, the furniture still pushed in the middle of the room since he had started painting the walls just the weekend before that, bunny's nose pink....so cute our nursery is. I wanted to go in there to show the room that it was ok, I was strong enough to take it and I did. I just looked at all the stuff. All the things that made no sense being in that room now. A crib, what the hell was I going to do with a crib. MY rocker which I'd already begun to sit in and talk for hours with my little girl, give her advice and tell her how much I loved her. I hated that chair now....just sitting there, looking at me, wanting me to rock in it and me just hating it.

The rest I suppose is pretty typical...it felt really all to normal. It was still my house, my dog, the groceries I had just bought we're still in there. I still had to unpack my bag from the race weekend. It was my TV I watched while I laid in my bed and while it all felt just the same, like I had returned from a vacation, you know that weird sense of being in your own house again after being away a few days. It was all just really really weird and different.

Something about today.....2 weeks from my due date....2 weeks from ME supposed to be holding my little girl Kylie....the same Kylie I think of constantly and talk about to some....I should be pushing her OUT of my body, so anxious to meet her right now. Counting down the days until I do get to meet her. Something about today....made me recount these moments. Has made me feel like I just lost her all over again. The tears streaming down my face, me not wanting to be at work or focus any energy on anything but greiving for her and missing her, feeling guilty for smiling and laughing and carrying on meaningless conversations.

Just for the record....these next few weeks are going to suck.

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:cry: :bigarmhug:

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Jen I just wanted to send you as many :bigarmhug::bigarmhug:as possible and for you to know that you are ALWAYS in my prayers... I hope that God brings you peace these next couple of weeks and just know that we all love you so....

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:bighug::(:bighug: i wish you luck in this cycle hun you deserve a baby of your own

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:bigarmhug:...you're a saint. You truly are, I can't ever compare to what you're going through and even though I can only imagine that you're breaking down at the same time you're pulling through. Even if it's day by day and slow as h*ll you're doing it! Kylie is blessed to have a mother as amazing as you. You and Dion and Kylie are in my thoughts in prayers! Your time will come again when every part of you is ready. Keep your head high, just think...the higher you keep it the closer you are to her Smile :bigarmhug:

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Oh honey. I'm right here with you. I know God has a plan for us. I will pray for peace for us both.

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Jen - I don't know if you remember me from Due in February or not, but my heart and prayers have always been with you since that fateful day. Please hold in your heart that HE has a plan for everyone and that one day you will be holding a beautiful healthy child in your arms and everything will make sense. :bigarmhug:

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Girls....all of you and yes I remember all of you! Smile Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We are all going through different things in our lives, all at different stages and for you to take more than a moment to read AND to post yor hugs and thoughts to me, means the world.

Thank you so much! :bigarmhug:

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"allyinthevalley" wrote:

This is a video that I came across on the blog of the wife of one of the singers from Selah. She found out at 16 weeks pregnant that her baby had things wrong with her and was going to die, but refused to terminate. She carried her as long as she could and gave birth to her by C-Section. Her daughter, shown in this video, lived for 2 and a half hours, which was a miracle in itself.
She wrote this song along with the woman who wrote "Held" that Natalie Grant sings.

Just thought that this was a beautiful song and video.

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Feb 3, CD13

alright so I'm feeling a bit better today (there are certainly good days and bad).

I think I need to focus on this cycle and do everything I can to try to make this happen. I need to stay positive, how can I expect anything good to happen if I'm always focusing on the negative.

So I'm on CD13. I should O in the next couple days...if you find me on here during the evenings instead of :lovebed:, tell me to get off and go make some babies! LOL

Dion and I are in a great place together, we have a mutual understanding (regarding our religion discussion last week) and we BOTH want this, a baby, more than anything, he is my life, my world and I am sooo thankful to have found him.

If I O when I think I'm going to, today or tomorrow, hopefully tomorrow I think. Our timing, will have been amazing!

I will continue praying for myself and all of my girls on here.

I will always miss my little girl. No amount of tears or anger will ever change that.

Tomorrow can bring so many wonderful things....now let's get it on! Smile

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Jen, you are such a strong woman, and you are always in my prayers. *GOOD LUCK THIS CYCLE*

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EEE!!! You so look like you're O'ing today!! I was only one day off! Yahoo GET PREGNANT NOW!!!

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Feb 4th CD14

Dear body,

If you could produce an immense amount egg white CM, a super dark + opk and a huge-o-licious temp spike tomorrow morning, that would pretty much be devine. Smile

I think I am gearing up to ovulate. The low again temp this morning thinks that I am but with no other factors really to weigh in, that's all I've got to go off of.

Well that and Ally thinks I will. ROFL

Obviously we will be romping around again tonight :lovebed: unlike last month, I'm totally less stressed about it though. Oh and not sure how healthy this is BUT I've been just going to sleep after the :lovebed: session and not even standing up till the next morning. I figure the more lil guys I can keep in there for the longest amount of time, the better, right?

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just wanted to let you know I'm think of you!
:bigarmhug:

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Thank you Cassie...what the hell are you thinking turning your siggy off in my journal? Get that thing back up there, how is everyone supposed to check out your SUPER cute prego belly when they can't click on your link, huh? Biggrin

Ok so my dear body "letter of yesterday, kind of worked. CHECK. OUT. THIS. OPK. (ovulation predictor kit, for my non TTC'ers, you pee on it like a prego test and if your lines are as dark as eachother, that means its baby making time Smile )

No temp spike this morning, BUT I did have to get up 20 minutes before I normally would have and it was a smidge higher than previous days, so that's good. I hope it just sky rockets tomorrow so that I know for sure.

Also, I can't check CM because I've been trying this thing where I just sleep with Dion's swimmers all night and so the next day is always kind of messy and sticky. So even if I was going to get EWCM, I might not know it. Whatever though, there isn't anything I can do to change that and I have and will absolutely do everything in my power to get prego this cycle, the rest is up to God. Smile

I'm feeling "good" today. Not great, a bit hopeful but still staying grounded. We'll be BDing for at least the next 2 nights, then I'm sure I'm going to need a break. ROFL

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Hey Jen!

Just wanted you to know that I said an extra little prayer for you!! :bigarmhug:

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Thank you Christy!!! The prayers right now are making all the difference in the world to me! :bighug: Seriously! Thank you!

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Feb 6th, CD16

Well....I think I did it....I think I ovulated!!! YahooYahoo

Clearly this should not be the biggest of feats BUT since I found out that only 1 of my fallopian tubes is open, I just felt like I would only ovulate every other cycle. So having gotten a + opk last cycle, I was VERY nervous about this one, espcially since it's my EDD month and everything.
So having my temp go up this morning and getting a +opk...I just feel very fortunate.

I prayed to god this morning, a very precise prayer and thanked him for already having answered some of my others. I am very hopeful about this cycle, maybe too hopeful. I will just be continuing to pray to him and have faith that he will bless us!

With having O'd yesterday probably, I will only be 11DPO at the time of testing. basically 1 day before I got my BFP with Kylie. I'm nervous about this as well as 1,000,000 other things and I am sure that this 2WW (two week wait) will be absolutely excruciating and emotion. I will get through it day by day though.

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:bigarmhug:Jen I just wanted you to know that I have been sending extra prayers your way and had a very nice chat with God last night and this morning knowing you O'd....

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Jen~ This two week wait will most certainly be excruciating and hard and more nerve-racking than any other you've faced before. I'm right here with you, though. If you need to rant... You know...

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CD 19, Feb 9th (should be 4DPO)

Thanks Ally.

This is such a trying time right now. I really want to stay positive and hopeful and just trust and have faith, but there is this little voice in my head telling me not to put everthing on this cycle....Its so hard, I reall feel like this just had to be it, Kylies due date just has to bring me some sort of healing or something. Ugh...I'm not expressing this well. Sad

So I should have gotten CH yesterday BUT I was going on about an hour and a half of sleep when I temped and it was really low (which by the way, is strange in itself because it should have been high I would have thought, anyway) then this morning my temp SKY ROCKETS. I'm so confused and have no idea what if anything it means.

I've got this other weird, tinkling issue which I don't think is related to TTC. Other than the fact that for 4 days in a row I slept with Dion's little swimmers all night and now I'm afraid of infection or something, I was just trying to keep as many of those suckers in there for as long as possible, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. I guess we'll know eventually.

So anyways, I guess I'm just hoping my temps stay high and that time jsut FLIES by, I'll be testing on Presidents day, Monday, Kylies Due date, 1 week from today. All I can do now is pray. (and try to stay occupied so as not to kill myself with anxiety)

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cont...

Dear lord,
please let me get big and huge and round and be able to complain about how much I can't sleep or walk around without getting winded. I will joyfully take every single stretch mark and varicose vein and ounce of weight gain you want to throw at me just to feel what it feels like to be a mother. Just to see my child take a first breath, smile and laugh. Please let this be it for me. With everything that I am, deep down to the core, I pray this to you. I have done my part, I did all I could, it is only up to you now. Please help me make my husband a father.

Amen

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I wanted to put this in my current journal so that I would always just be able to go to one place, in times of need or remembrance and even later on when I'm pg (pregnant) just for me.

Its the link to my journal with Kylie.

http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?t=322840

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:bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug:

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