Troubled Heart: From Stable to Broken
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    Mega Poster ksquin06's Avatar
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    Default Troubled Heart: From Stable to Broken

    In a few short weeks I will be the mother of three small children. Our family is growing and stopping at the same time.
    This pregnancy has been a marvel for me. All the ups and downs, all of the aches and pains, all of the committment to introducing another child into our lives coupled with Keegan's situation and Shaylah's increasing independence. What happened? When did they grow up? When did I stop considering them tiny to considering them grown? I am just totally amazed by all of this. With this being my third and final pregnancy, I can only reflect in the bittersweet moments and longing that come towards the end of pregnancy. In a way, I long to slow it down and then again, I can't wait to hold him, finally, from the safe confines of my belly to the warm protection of my arms. I can't wait to nurse, rock and bathe him. I miss being able to do that with my other two children, miss their dependency and angst for me to do for them immediately instead of later on. WOW!!
    Even as sick as I feel right now, I needed to sort through some feelings. I needed to open up about somethings. I just want to be heard, without the actual advice that comes with being heard.
    The life that has become my own is stretching now, opening up to new possibilities and endless opportunities. Our new start has finally happened, Eric and I are finally happy in our marriage and the kids are alot more settled. Thank goodness for the richness of love, patience, kindness, and devotion that comes with family ties.
    I must retire to bed now, my eyes are heavy, my tummy in knots. But I cannot wait to fulfill this journal with more of my thoughts when I am able to think straight.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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    Today has been a bloomer of a day. I spent the majority of my day in Graham with the kids while Eric went to have his physical done in Wichita Falls. Considering I have not been feeling to well lately, we decided that since he would have the car all day long that I would fare better there closer to my doc should I need to see him again today.
    Nothing much happened today, other than a fight between me and hubby over some information that should not have been talked about. So now that I am over my tiffy part, I am going to run along to bed. Hopefully I will have alot more to update on tomorrow.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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    Today was a much better day. I actually got decent sleep once the Tylenol Pm kicked in and I awoke this morning ready to start my day fresh with the gall bladder sono appt and my ob follow up. Everything seems fine with my gall bladder in the sense that I do not have gall stones, but I do have major reflux, which could be irritating my gall bladder amongst other things. So I am now apart of the Purple Pill Poppers and on Nexium for the duration of this pregnancy.
    Anyhow, right after the appointment, I went to see Tonya and mom and got involved in a very good movie that I need to buy to have. The Doctor with William Hurt. A emotionally moving film about a doctor overcoming cancer and his inability to be connected to his patients. I highly recommend watching it. Anyhow, Tonya moseyed off to work and mom and I finished the movie alone. While there, mom asked if she could get me to do her a favor. I asked her if it involved me going to buy her cigarettes and she said yes, please. I flat out told her no, I don't buy anyone cigarettes, pregnant or not. I just don't support smoking and I don't want to be looked at funny walking in to purchase them being as pregnant as I am. She told me that her arthritis was acting up really bad today and she had not planned on getting out and since Tonya was procrastinating today, she did not think to ask her. I apologized to her and told her I hoped I had not hurt her feelings, but I just don't feel comfortable buying them for anyone. She said she understood, but I got to listen to moaning the rest of the visit about how much pain she was in today.
    Came home to the house smelling like tomatoes and beef and found out that Eric was cooking homemade stew and tortillas for dinner. I was overjoyed, I love his stew. And his tortillas taste better than store bought.
    Anyhow, got all of the baby's clothes put away and hung up and got laundry started which is a huge plus right now. The dining room floor and living room floors have been swept, now I just need to mop. I am trying to get some "nesting" out of the way while I am up to it, because I know that end of pregnancy fatigue is back on the way soon.
    Other than that, nothing else has happened today.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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    I should just x-post Feb06 topics that I wrote tonight, but I just feel like I need to vent some more. I am so freaking tired of being in pain. All these thoughts keep running through my head about how I am going to last another four weeks of hell being pregnant. I want to meet my little man, but I want him to be healthy too.
    My rib pain, right side is back, full force again. My reflux is also back. I have taken a Nexium with no relief in site. I have also been having off and on contractions as well.

    Last night, I hurt so bad from the rib pain and back pain that I wanted to claw myself out of my own skin. I could barely handle the feelings of my cotton pj's on my body, let alone the feeling of the air mattress at my best friends house. Eric tried as he could to take away the pain by rubbing my back, and it calmed me some, but the pain alone made me not want to be touched. Hydrocodone did not help either. You know it is bad when painkillers don't help. I still feel like I can't be in my own skin right now. I hurt, plain and simple.

    He has dropped more, alot. Mom(Jackie) looked at me today and told me that she does not think I will make it to the end of the week. She felt like we may actually have a New Year's baby on the way. I don't think I will go then, but I don't think I will last until my scheduled C/section date either. I just don't know what to do anymore with being miserable.
    I just want to tell my doctor to please let me have him now. If I am still measuring two weeks ahead, which I honestly think back on my LMP and I think two weeks ahead is actually the growth I am. I think I am actually 36 1/2 weeks instead of 34 1/2 weeks. My period was so wacky in May. Only two days, not enough to soak a Tampon in one day, which is very, very unusual for me.

    I just need to vent to him about it all. I need him to know how much I am hurting and that I just don't think I can last until Jan 26th. I have never had this type of pain with any of my pregnancies, ever. This one has been so hard on me, weight wise as well as sicky wise.

    I am going to bed now.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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    I feel so darn indifferent tonight. Thank goodness for journals and a place to vent out what I am feeling without actually asking anyone's advice.

    This has been a heck of a day. I have not been feeling right, I just want to crawl out of my own skin. It is like I cannot stand to be me right now. How horrible do I sound asking that ? I think it is the jitters, I am only 30 days from delivery, but my body is making me feel like I am not going to make it that far. I have been having BH's alot and some of them have hurt. Some of them get so tight and put so much pressure on my lower regions and I feel popping with them in my lower regions some. Not sure if that is normal or not. Not sure how to describe that to the doctor either. I have been so irritable as well. Nothing makes sense right now, I get upset over everything and I can't stand to be around anyone for more than a couple of minutes. I am just ready to have Quinlan. I have been praying for a great outcome here, praying that he comes when he is ready, but also praying that if he is ready, that he comes now. I am so miserable and unhappy with how I am feeling and just want to be normal for Eric and the kids. I just want to hold Quinlan and get ready to raise him. Is it asking to much for this to come sooner than my delivery date??? God, I feel horrible for feeling like this.

    Eric's first day at work went awesome. He is already a new man and seems to really be impressed with the outcome. I am so excited financially for us, it is 500 more a mnth than what he was making with DQ with the potential to earn lots more. Finally, we are going to be back on stable ground. The medical, dental and eye benefits are awesome too, so we are actually looking forward to this for him. He goes in at 8:15 tomorrow for his first route run with another person. I hope he gets someone decent.

    My best friend called me at MOM's house today, she is pregnant. She has been really sick at her stomach, very drained and just has not felt right. So she took a test and it was positive. She ended up doing a HCG level on herself as well and it came out to 12. Very low, but then again, she is not very far along at all. She is worried about it being etopic, she has been having alot of lower left side pain, sometimes excruciating and she is refusing to get it checked out until she knows for sure that this is for real. I think she is in denial, not sure. She has also been semi diagnosed as having Parkinson's and is on some pretty potent medication right now. She is refusing to take herself off of it and in that sense, I don't blame her at all. I think I would rather chance staying on medication than chance my symptoms getting worse, pregnancy or no. She is in a complicated relationship right now as well and is not making a committment to him until some things are worked out. He wants marriage, she asks what the point is?? Another long story, not willing to go into the entire issue since others have access to my journal right now.
    She asked me to pray she has a miscarriage, she can't handle the possibility of having a baby, does not want children, period and can't chance her condition getting worse. I told her I could not pray for a life to be taken, no matter if she is in embryo stage or not. I told her I would pray that things work out like they should work out and that she excepts whatever outcome happens. I am about to email her somethings I was not able to talk to her about in the hospital, hopefully she will be willing to listen to reason.

    Tonya and MOM are both pushing for me to spend the next several weeks in Graham with them, on days that Eric has to work. Not that I don't love going there, but I am really tired and just want one day at home, with my kiddos, my computer, my movies, my bed and my own food. Eric is being persistant about me going too. MOM has MS, RA, CHF amongst other things and is in constant pain all the time and honestly, I just get tired of sitting around doing nothing when I am over there. My kids get bored, toys and movies are there for them, but they want to be outside running around and truthfully I want them to be outside running around too. I tried to convince MOM and Tonya that I wanted to just stay at home tomorrow and then go back up there on WED and they would not go for it. They asked me what I would do should my water break, or is I went into labor or if something happened to one of the kiddos and I did not have my vehicle. They have a valid point, but with as irritable as I have been lately, coupled with feeling like I am responsible for my children and keeping her absolutely stress free, home is where I prefer to be. But like a good girl, I am going to go in for as long as I can handle it right now.

    Moseying off to bed now.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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    That today has been a great day. I have been so busy taking care of the kiddos and posting online here that I feel alot more under control with the contractions and alot less stressed about everything else.
    I am trying to get some energy so I can clean up this house, it is such a wreck in the three main areas that it does not need to be a mess in, the living room, dining room and kitchen. YUCK!!! If I can just muster up the energy to clean up those rooms, I will feel a lot better. The sweeping and mopping Eric can do when he is off.

    Anyhow, called MOM to see how the interview with the new caregiver went and apparently it went really really well. She starts tomorrow, so MOM and Richard will not be alone anymore than they should be. MOM has also lost 20lbs in the last 2 weeks, not good and the only thing she is able to keep down right now is buttermilk. She is going to try some cornbread tonight. I worry about her getting dehydrated. I sure hope that is not the case. Otherwise, everything looks good for her.

    On other news, Tonya has started to miscarry. She went off her medication the last three days and also cut back on ciggies because she was trying to do everything the best she could to hang on to this baby if it was meant to be. This morning, she just did not feel right and went to the bathroom and saw that she was starting to miscarry. I am sad for her in a way, because this will be her third miscarriage and even though it is for the best in her condition, it still does not make it any easier to cope with losing a baby. She was very early pg. Not even a month.

    Eric seems to really be loving his job more and more. He takes his driving test next Wed and then should be able to start on his route then. I can't wait for him to start gaining clientel and getting commissions, not to mention all the discounts we will get from Schwan's. YUMMY!!!

    My children are getting on my everlasting last nerve. My reserve nerve has even been used up, which is not a good sign. At least bedtime is coming soon. Only an hour left until I can lay them down. You know it is bad when you are counting time down to bedtime. Keegan had the nerve to run from me today when I went to lay him down for his nap, told me that he could not take my attitude and was going outside. He then told me he was a big boy and should not have to take a nap anymore. ARGH!! I am so ready for preschool to start for him. BRING IT ON.

    I am feeling better. I had a very interesting trip to L and D last night. I had to be monitored for four hours and they determined that I was trying to go into preterm labor and now I am on Brethine. I take it every four hours as needed for contractions. I never thought I would have to be on a contraction medication, but it has finally happened. My doctor did an internal, looked at me, and told me I was five miles deep and tightly closed. Not going to happen anytime soon, that is for sure. At least not naturally.
    I actually got to spend the day at home today and it was a nice change. The kids have all their toys, friends and beds again, thank goodness. I can actually send them to their rooms now and mean it. I will not be making any more trips into Graham again until I absolutely have too, because the vibrations from the travel along with the bumpiness in the roads makes my contractions start up again. I imagine I will end up spending the night in Graham the night before my c/section, because I will have to be at the hospital so early in the morning.
    Anyhow, not much else is going on right now. Need to take a Nexium andg get the kids ready for bed.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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    Stewie Griffin the Untold Story is so freakin funny. That was the way I ended my day yesterday, with a Taco Bell Taco, a huge glass of water and that movie. Hubbie was curled up on the couch laughing right along with me. It was great.

    I received a letter from Michele, a childhood best friend of mine and she is getting MARRIED again in Feb. I am so happy for her. She was in a really complicated marriage that ended in March 04 and she had a miscarriage during that time which almost pushed her over the edge. She has the most amazing strength in God and along with that and moving back home to Amarillo, she has been able to rebuild her life again. The man she is marrying have two little boys, aged 8 and 6. She already considers them hers. I told her come heck or high water I would be there for her wedding. I will only be about four weeks postpartum, but I don't care. I will endure a bit of pain to see her marry this wonderful man.

    We have decided to stay at home tonight to ring in the New Year. We feel it safer that way since all the drunks will be out and we live in a dry county, so everyone and their dog will be heading 15 miles to the south of us to get alcohol and I really don't want to be on the roads at that time.
    We are going to do Chicken Wings, chips, dips, and probally some cider to ring in the New Year.

    Otherwise, all is quiet here on the homefront. Eric has a three day weekend and I plan on spending as much time with him as I possibly can. He learned he has one overnight route every other week and I am able to join him there if I want too, but he will only be 45 minutes away from me should I need him. So I am not too worried about it. It is money after all and he has the potential to reap alot of it.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!!!
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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    I get to have a BABY SHOWER!!!!! I can't believe it, a BABY SHOWER!!! I honestly was not going to get excited about this at all, I honestly did not want a baby shower this time around, buuuuuttt, I think it is honestly a good thing and it will give me a chance to get to know some of the ladies from church better.

    I did not make it to midnight last night. I feel asleep at eleven, while Eric came in here and watched the countdown and got to start the New Year alone. I plan on making it up to him tonight though, if I can manage to move baby out of the way.

    We did not eat our Blackeyed Peas today, not really in the mood for them and I love them. Only Peas I will eat. Not sure what Eric is making for dinner tonight, something is cooking, but I am not really hungry right now anyhow. I have been more thirsty than hungry lately. Hopefully lack of appetite is not a sign on impending birth. I honestly now want to wait until Jan 26th. I can only hope Quinlan wants the same thing too.

    My dad called me a bit ago and we talked for like 6 minutes. WOW, 6 minutes, amazing what you can talk about in six minutes. LOL.
    He had a great Christmas, my GM and Aunt were actually civil and they even asked about me, which was incredibly suprising. I only wish they would call me so I can talk to them too. I miss hearing my GM voice, my aunt won't give me their new phone number, so I can't call them, so the only contact we have right now is by letters or cards. Sucks I know, but at least it is some contact. I plan on making an appearance when I go into Amarillo for a weekend to see everyone. Just surpise them. What can they do then, turn me away. Lord, I hope they don't. I hate that there is such selfishness and anger in my family. I know I am not perfect, but I care enough to write and check in on them. They need to know that things can be mended and with Nanny so sick, I need to know I will have one last chance to talk to her.

    Anyhow, all in the life of Burton, I am going to help hubby with the kitchen and dinner.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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    It seems forever since I have updated. There has been so much going on here, with the pregnancy and with trying to get everything finalized for the birth, that I just am not able to be online

    I have Pre-Eclampsia and I am on total bedrest. It sucks, but it is helping to keep my Blood Pressure stablized and keeping all my swelling at bay, so I really cannot complain about that.
    Eric has been so good to me during this time. He has been making sure the house is clean and that laundry is caught up when he is off not to mention, he walks in and I am off the couch and right to bed.
    He should be home soon, I am hoping it is not a late night for him. They try to keep Saturday nights early. He was a bit late going to work today because of waking up late, getting the kids and I settled and they called to see what was going on. I have not heard from him all day long, which he told me he would try to call me, so I am not trying to take it personal, but it still would have been nice of him to call me and ask how I was doing.
    A lady from my board called me today. She is a absolute sweetheart and I have only posted to her a couple of times, but we seemed to have really hit it off. I took her number down and I hope that we continue to talk.
    Anyhow, everything is ok on the homefront today. The neighbor girls helped me with the kids today so I could lay up in bed and now I am updating and about to become a couch potato again. As soon as Eric comes home, it is off to bed for me.
    I am amazed at the rate babies are being born now. There are two from the Jan board that are in labor right now and one on Feb that it seems will be having her baby soon. I can't wait until we all start having our babies. It is going to be great to be able to start posting birth stories and pictures of our little ones. How exciting this time is becoming. That is the only thing keeping me positive right now, knowing we are going to meet our little people soon.
    Anyhow, must get back to bed.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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    I want to trust him, I really do. I keep telling myself that there is nothing going on. So I am going to try and dissect this email in his yahoo account.
    I love him, he is my soulmate. Almost two years without anything happening to make me not trust him and I find this email from December 16th, 05 to god knows who and I have no idea what it means.

    Date: Fri, 16 Dec 2005 19:38:14 -0800 (PST)
    From: "Eric Burton" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
    Subject: hey
    To: whiskerkitten911@yahoo.com

    just wanted to know I am moving back tgo amarillo, that is why I wanted to surprise you when I came up to amarillo 2 days ago.....but like I said I found out you were talking to someone else, so I decided I was going to go back to amarillo to my life and live with a child that was not mine, she told me it was not......

    erich


    Part of my dissection is this:
    1. He does not spell his name like that. That is how we are spelling our son's middle name. That is the way my husband would like to spell his name.
    2. I looked up her profile, she is none existant. I tried to send an email to this account, it is not existant. So that baffles me. Why would he send an email to someone who does not have an account?
    3. Why would he make up a lie like this? He is not moving back to Amarillo, he was never in Amarillo last month and he does not have a life with another women who has a child not by him.

    So I am baffled. It makes no sense to me.
    Tonya told me that this email does not sound anything like him at all. She said it sounds like a fluke, but it does not have Eric is freakin around on you written on it. She said it sounds like he was trying to get this girl off his back or he created this account to see if I would be checking up on him. I honestly was not trying to check up on him, I was in his account to log off and to log back on to mine so I could check my email and well, yes I looked.
    I don't know. I guess I should let sleeping dogs lie, but this one is really baffling me. Needless to say, he has some explaining to do.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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