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Thread: Troubled Heart: From Stable to Broken

  1. #11
    Mega Poster ksquin06's Avatar
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    It is almost over with, I am so very close to having this baby and I cannot be more overjoyed about it all.
    I had to be admitted into the hospital on Tuesday night. My BP was horrible on Tuesday at my appt and he did not like the fact that I was not sleeping like I should, so he put me in. And you know what, it worked like a charm. My BP stabilized back to normal and I was able to sleep, watch whatever I wanted, have great home cooked meals and be waited on hand and foot. I really needed it. I needed the rest and I needed the lack of stress.
    I feel really tired right now and I am having an abundace of pelvic pressure which is making it incredibly hard to get comfortable in any position I put myself in. I was told by my doc's nurse that it will only get worse, because I am on bedrest, the lower muscles are not being used and since I am not walking like I should, it is making it alot worse. I wish my water would break so I could have a baby right now and rid myself of all this lower pain. Aside from that, I feel ok.
    Going into Graham tomorrow for church, taking my boppy pillow along with me so I can recline back in the pew while the sermon is going on and then I am going to have a baby shower to attend in my honor. YAY!! I am excited. Eric will update more for me tomorrow.
    Anyhow, almost done watching seasons 1 and 2 of sex and the city, it is great. Tonya is loaning me seasons 3 and four tomorrow so I will have more to occupy my time. I can't wait. They are awesome.
    Anyhow, going to bed. Just needed to put the pressure to rest in a hard chair, it is lessened some, so now I think I can get up, potty and go to bed.
    Book of choice this week: The Motherly Art of Breastfeeding by the La Leche League. So far, it is great.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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  2. #12
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    Default X-Posted from Feb 06

    Before anyone tells me to get back to bed, my feet are propped and I am reclining back right now.
    We made a makeshift propper and a way for me to recline back so I could still be online for a bit without sitting straight up with my feet dangling off the chair. The only sucky thing about it is that my belly gets in the way of my keyboard...LOL.

    Anyhow, I am feeling much, much better today. I slept like a baby for the most part last night, only got up a total of 6 times to pee, down from my normal 10-12 times and I have had my frapichino(sp?) this morning.

    Quinlan has changed positions. His back and bum are to my stomach now, his face is toward my bum. I only feel him squirm now, not kick.
    I have another NST tomorrow and I know for sure my BP is going to be fine. I have no worries about it.

    MOM took Keegan for me today, I have Shaylah. Neither one of us could deal with both kiddos alone today, so we split them up and it has been the best thing for us both. She will be able to rest and I will too. Shaylah is coloring right now, drinking a Koolaid Jammer and I am able to post an update while resting as well. We are going to have Hot pockets for lunch, plug in a movie in the bedroom after lunch and both take a nap together. She is my cuddle bunny today and has been soooooooooooo GOOD. I have only had to put her in time out once this morning and since then she has been an angel. Those of you with toddlers who re rebelling know why this makes me happy, because on a normal day, with bubba here, she is in time out about 40 times by the time lunch time comes around..hehehe.
    Later on, I will recline back on the couch to watch her play with our puppies....well, our neighbor hood puppies. They are so darn cute and so good with her.

    Anyhow, Had Baby shower yesterday. We got a carseat, outfits, diapers, wipes, hoody towel set, shoes, booties, a cuddletime blanket(so soft I want to steal it for myself) some receiving blankets, a mold set for footprints/handprints, a diaper bag, the whole Johnson and Johnson Baby Gift Pak, washcloths, nasal aspirator, a stuffed blue fleece elephant, bright blue bear, some cash and giftcards to get whatever else we needed. All we are lacking now is the breastpump and baby tub. They had finger foods, lemon cookies and peach tea for our luncheon. Eric and the kids stayed for the shower as well as a couple of the other men from our congregation. It was a very nice relaxful time and I really enjoyed getting to know them better. Keegan is the one who took the pictures, he did such a good job, so I will post them later on.

    Anyhow, not much else to update on. I hope everyone had a great weekend and I am going to try to catch up as much as I can. HUGS!!!!
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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  3. #13
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    UGH, on a downer, I am having off and on contractions as well as a crap load of pelvic pressure. It hurts, ALOT!!!!!!!! Not to mention the slight menstrual cramping that is going on. I actually wonder if there has been any changes going on down there. I think not, but can't help but wonder.
    Day is good, about to log off, watch a movie and go to bed for a nap with my little girl.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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  4. #14
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    My appt yesterday did not go as planned. Fooey. But at least we had alot of humor and laughs about it. That is one thing I love about my doc, he is able to make me laugh, even when I feel like running over him.
    Got hooked up to the NST earlier than planned because I had been having contractions every 8-10 minutes apart. Well unfortunately, even after moving the machine around alot, they were not able to get the contractions to pick up on measuring like they wanted to. So apparently, they were considered Braxton Hicks only, so nothing to write home about.
    Did an internal check, he asked me what I was told last time he checked me, I told him he told me I was five miles deep and tight as a drum. He laughed and asked me if I thought I had changed and I said honestly, no, my body never cooperates with me, so I think I am the same. Sure enough, cervix has not changed. SUCK!!!
    Next, biophysical. Quinlan's melon is right at my pelvic bone, slamming right up against it and that is what is causing all my pressure and serious pain. He LOOKS sooooooooo good, honestly, so good. I am so happy that in eight short days, after a uncomfortable surgery, that he will finally be in my arms. The desire to have him is soooooooo strong that I keep telling myself I can't wait, when I really know I can.
    So, needless to say, my c/section due date is remaining the same unless for some unforseen reason, my water breaks or I start labor on my own in the next week. Seriously, we are still having this baby on the 26th because I know my body will not cooperate.
    His bag is packed, mine isn't. I need to repack it and leave it alone. I keep digging things out of it to either read or wear and I just need to pack it and leave it alone.

    Here is a list of things I am taking with me:

    1.) Digital Camera
    2.) Baby Book
    3.) The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding(which I swear by)
    4.) Breastpump
    5.) Take home outfit
    6.) Receiving blankets that MOM made him.
    7.) Some really comfortable jammies or nightgown to wear while I am there so I can stay out of the hospital gowns. I am definately coming home in jammie pants though, so I can be comfy.
    8.) Houseshoes and my keds slipper socks.
    9.) Pamper me smell good stuff
    10.)Makeup for me to apply before I take any hospital pictures.
    11.)Toiletries, yes, this includes those really large maxi pads since bleeding is usually really heavy right after surgery and delivery.
    12.)Nursing Bras

    I am sure I will think of a few other things between now and then and I have never been good at packing a hospital bed because I usually get there and think about what I forgot to bring and Eric usually has to be my gopher boy. LOL.

    I feel good today. I am going to fold some laundry while watching American Idol tonight and Shaylah and I are about to take a nap.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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  5. #15
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    X-Posted from Feb 06:

    After reading Chase007's post about her contractions and it being the anniversary of her losing her mother, I started thinking about my papa and my MIL.

    Jan 22, 02- We lost my MIL Debbie after 15 years of her fighting liver disease and just a few shorts months after being diagnosed with cancer of the liver and spleen. Keegan was only 13 mnths old. She lived long enough to see Eric married, her first grandchild born and to see him get his promotion with the Dept of Corrections.

    Jan 27, 02- We lost my grandfather, my precious papa, to COPD and lung cancer. I was incredibly close to him and even with it being four years later, I still miss him sooo much and wish he was here to see his fifth Great grandchild born.

    Feb 06, 02- We lost our angel baby. I was ten weeks along when our angel passed.

    So in light of everything, four years later, we are bringing a baby into this world. Only 4 days after the passing anniversary of my MIL and one day before my papa's anniversary. Alot of people may think it is a morbid time to be having a baby, I consider it a blessing. My due date this time is one day before we lost our angel baby. So this was meant to be and something to be celebrated in light of what happened four years ago.
    Thank God for miracles and blessings, especially during a difficult week of missing MIL and Papa.
    _________________
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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  6. #16
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    Default Been a while:

    WOW! So much has happened since I last posted here.
    January 22nd-Lost plug in the Walmart Bathroom.
    January 23rd- 442a-Water broke after a shot to the bathroom and finally getting settled back into bed. Since we had a Section planned that week and no chance of me laboring naturally, we were on our way to the hospital immediately. I had my surgery first thing at 8am, first one on the OR schedule and I was the only one to deliver a baby that day. So imagine my relief when I got special treatment that day.
    January 26th- Released from the hospital after one more day to get my bowels moving. Doctor walked in on me the night before to find me sitting on the pot trying to have a bowel movement. I was so embarrassed, Eric laughed it off.
    January 31st- Last day on pain medication. I was so proud of myself for weaning myself off of it. I have really coped well with this.
    Today- Beat the postpartum blues last night for the first time in four days. I actually did not cry last night, such a relief. Woke up this morning after a full night's sleep and felt so refreshed and happy to start the day off right. It has been a nice change. I finally feel semi normal.
    Laundry is on the agenda, cleaning up my nasty kitchen is on the agenda and just relaxing and enjoying the cool breeze coming in.

    Quinlan is making such progress. I can't believe on that Monday Feb 6th he will be two weeks old. Where has the time gone????????
    He has no more jaundice and his cord is almost gone. I can't wait to give him his first baby tub bath. We have been using Huggies Watermelon Wash and it smells so good on him. My little Watermelon Baby.

    February Sweethearts are starting to come fast. Can't believe how many of us have already had our babies. I am so excited to hear more birth stories.

    Anyhow, need to run, Shaylah is into mischief and Quinlan is crying a bit.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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  7. #17
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    I am so aggravated right now. I just don't understand Eric. I wish I could say that I do, but I don't. His attitude sucks this week, he was incredibly cold to me last night and this morning, he still did not apologize to me. I am not sure exactly what I have done wrong to make him act like this towards me, he swears it is nothing other than the house being a constant wreck and then he tells me he is just worried about me being sick. I am doing the best I can right now and he does not seem to realize that. He seems to think Quinlan is content all the time, that the kids listen really well and that I have all this time on my hands to care for the house, when in fact, it is exact opposite. I don't have time, Quinlan fusses alot and the kids are nightmares during the day. I just don't know what else to do to make him happy.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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  8. #18
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    I don't know why he says things that can and will hurt me.

    This past week and this whole weekend have been like that around here.

    I think my mood sparked off when he forgot Valentine's Day. He went out and bought himself a hot new cell phone, but I never got a card, no chocolate, nothing. So my feelings were hurt, did I say anything to him about it, well no, how petty would I sound? I should not have to say anything, he should know.

    This weekend, nagging about the house and petty comments were made. It hurts when he thinks I should be super woman, have this house cleaned, not be sick and take care of the kids all at the same time. It is not like I asked for us all to be sick this last week, it is not like I chose the house to become so freakin messy. I am just really hurt by him right now.

    And then today, he pops off with a comment that stopped me in my tracks. And it was a petty comment, but it cut me like a knife. He ran into a younger woman, probally about twentish who still lives at home with her parents and her young child. Well he goes to the door to make a delivery and she answers the door in her underwear. Well, he completes her order and then gets back into the truck and calls me. Apparently she was eye candy to him. He tells me all about her and then pops off with this comment: ALL I CAN SAY IS IT IS A GOOD THING I AM MARRIED, WOOOOOO, DANG.

    So I am immensly quiet at this point and when he asks what is wrong, I told him I am his wife, not his little buddy and he should never ever approach me with a story like that. How is that supposed to make me feel? He apologized to me, even now, he apologized to me, but I can't let it go. Now he is pissed because this will be yet another thing for me to hang over his head and I told him if he would stop doing **** like this, I would not have anything to hang over his head. UGH!! I hate the fact that I can't feel a complete trust for him, once I get close, I find out a lie or he makes a comment and then I begin to question how devoted to me and our marriage he really is. I just want it all better, I want to trust him and his intentions in our marriage, but sometimes I feel like I never really knew him at all.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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  9. #19
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    Default I have been thinking:

    Which is incredibly dangerous for me on all levels of the playing field.
    I want to go back to work, almost desperately. I want to have a semi normal family life again, to come home and be able to sit down at the dinner table and to have family outings on the weekends. I miss my husband, alot, I HATE his overnights,with a passion. I hate the fact that I have to sleep in our bed semi alone(quinlan sleeps with me) and his side of the bed stays cold while he has to sleep in a hotel room without the comfort of my snoring to help him sleep.
    I HATE being lonely. I feel like such a horrible wife, I found myself looking at websites I should not have been looking at because I was LONELY and Eric found out and though he is not mad, he is worried for me. He is worried that my loneliness will lead to me being tested and tempted and though I have promised him that he never has to worry about me venturing out to find greener grasses(there are none, I love my husband) he is worried that my loneliness will lead to a bigger problem that he has no control of. I assured him that once I looked at those websites, I clicked right out of them and have not done it since.
    So in the midst of talking about all of this, I told him that I was tired of being lonely and I wanted to get a job. I love our kids, I love being with them, but I need a job, I need to be out amongst adults and I need to feel productive. I know I am wanted around here, but I need to be productive, more so than what housework has to offer.
    I want to cry right now, for feeling like this. I miss having friends, I miss going out with the girls and having some much needed mommy time. I miss dating my husband, our nights out at a movie or dinner and I miss being held by him. We don't get cuddle time much because of the three kiddos and we sure don't get it in bed anymore because we share our bed with a precious angel, Quinlan. The only time we have together is in the shower with one another, but even that is not the same. Gone are our alone times and here are the times of Mommy/Daddy this, Mommy/Daddy that!
    I know my feelings will pass, they always do. I just need an attitude adjustment and need to feel more thankful for what I have. I do thank God that I have three beautiful children and a wonderful hubby. I am incredibly thankful and I need to be more thankful that I get to spend so much time with the kids.

    So I am job searching now. Eric will go back to school part time and we will get to have our life back on track. SO I can hope.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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  10. #20
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    Jill is in labor. I am so incredibly excited for her right now and I wanted to talk to her and hate the fact that I missed her phone call this morning. She sounded so out of breathe and was in the middle of a contraction when I came home and listened to the answering machine. I tried to call her back and got her voice mail. It is ok, she is in labor, I do not expect her to answer her phone while she is laboring. I can't wait to hear if little JackHammer is a boy or girl though!! I am thinking boy but instictively feel it is a girl. We shall see.

    I feel like such a wench right now. I pretty much ignored Eric on the way to work this morning. I just did not have much to say to him this morning. I asked him to stay home today, so I could look for a job and if he was really wanting to go back to work for the state, so he could look as well. I asked him how I was supposed to find a job when I have no one here to help me with the kiddos and how was he going to look for something more stable if he was not here. He said he would figure it out. That is not good enough, not at all. Things don't get figured out unless you are available to work on them. Today is one of his slow days, he never makes much money on this route and it would have been pointless to work for thirteen hours and only come away with 50 bucks in his pocket. I know 50 bucks is more than zero money, but how worth it can it be to sacrifice your family and your sanity if you can't make productive money in a dead in job when there is bigger possibilities out there, especially with the type of license I have. I could have a job tomorrow, if he would come home and give me the chance to go out and get it.
    So now, I am not talking to him, I am too angry. I am tired of being alone, I am tired of feeling like a single parent and it is time he realizes it is not ok for him to be gone all the time. This job, commission only, is not worth it. Not worth losing your family or your marriage over.

    He tried to call me a bit ago, called to say he loved me. I did not answer the phone, just let the answering machine get it. I can't stop crying so therefore I have nothing to say to him right now. He sounded like he was about to cry when he hung up, so what, let him cry. Let him suffer emotionally like I am suffering and let him wonder if I am going to be here tomorrow when he comes home. Let him know what it feels like to be lonely. Then maybe he will stop taking my feelings for granted.

    I need to do some houswork right now. I need an outlet and this outlet has to be done. Hopefully when I am done, I will feel better.
    Carie
    Married to the love of my life--Eric
    Keegan-6, Shaylah-4, Quinlan-20 months
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