Thread: Troubled Heart: From Stable to Broken

I am awaiting a phone call from a marriage counselor, his suggestion. He wants us to go together and for once I agree with him. I need to hear what he has to say and he needs to hear what I have to say. I want this to be over, but I know we have an incredibly long road ahead of us.

We are scheduled for an 11a appt with the marriage counselor on Mon. We will see. We are talking. At least things are coming out.
We called Amber up on the phone together, we put her on speakerphone. She deserved to know his true intentions and she got to hear them first hand and I got to hear how far she fell for him and all his deceit. I told her that I sincerely hoped she was able to pick up and move on from this. I sincerely hope she is able to find happiness and her happiness is not with my husband or my children. She has her whole life to live and for her to think that he would actually leave me for her was upsetting. Not only was she played, but so was I.
He has no access to her, ever again. I do however have access to her, when I want too as does she to me. We share one thing right now, we both love my husband. How do you gain closure from that if you can't talk about it and help each other find a way past it?
I need to lay down. I am exhausted.

I slept last night, all night long I slept. Restfully. Thank you God for giving me the strength to move past my own overun mind to sleep.
Tonya is coming over today to spend the day with me while he works. I need to be with her and I need not be alone today, kids and all. I need their cheerfulness and happiness and talkiveness, everything they have to offer, I need today.
The wind is blowing and with the sound of the wind comes the realization that I might actually be able to allow it to blow over and begin fresh with him. I have prayed and prayed and prayed about this, asking if it was the right thing for me to stay or to leave. God has planted my feet right here. It is like the moment I have the notion to leave him, he says no, you can't, now is not the time. Does he have bigger plans for our marriage or am I just doomed to spend the rest of my life with someone who knows how to cheat and deceive and actually play someone? I never thought he had it in him. I thought he was capable of long term love.
I will continue to sleep seperately from him, I will not kiss him or hold him for him to have reassurance from me because I cannot reassure him. He does not deserve that from me. But I do need reassurance from him and he has alot of mending to do and alot to prove to me. Right now, I still love him and I am still in love with him, but my emotional connection and respect for him is gone. That bucket is empty and I am not so sure it can ever be filled again.

What I need right now is not other people's anger, but their understanding. I don't want to hear them bashing him or hating him, but maybe just trying to possibly understand him and that his dark reality really does exist. My husband for his fault in this is still a good and decent father and there has never been a time with him that I have had to worry about him ever physically hurting me or ever degrading me in such a way that I was totally beaten down. While infidelity is the ultimate sin to commit in a relationship, I have been give the opportunity to forgive him. I try to remember that By Jesus' stripes, I can be healed. He took on the weight of the world when he died for us and through him and his sacrifice I will be able to live and love again. In the world of Dory, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. But in the world of prayer, Just keep praying, just keep praying. That is the only thing offering me comfort right now.

I keep asking myself how does someone move past infidelity or deceit and learn to love and trust someone again? I have no idea what the first step in this is or if we have even taken the first step. What do I have to sacrifice to pick up and begin again? Not sure I will ever have an answer to that. I do hope that by prayer and faith that I can begin to heal and try to put this behind me. I have read that in approximately 75% of all relationships, one person has been unfaithful at least once. In 50% of those 75% of relationships, it ends in divorce. So how can the one person who suffered the consequences move on and try to rebuild what is left of the relationship? How can my marrige be in the remaining percentage that does not fail, but heals and is actually better than it was ever before? I hope I am able to come across the answer sooner than later. I don't want him to wake up and it be too late to save our marriage. I am doing my part, now he needs to do his. Only time will tell, but he will not have the rest of my life to prove it, because I cannot sacrifice the rest of my life for him to prove it. He just needs to step up to the plate, prove it now and hope that whatever he is doing is enough to keep me here. If it is not, then I will have a place to go to help me find myself again and help me restructure my shattered heart again. That is HOME, with my family. Until that decison is made, may God help him as he tries to find a way to make this up to me, if anything of the such exists.

I made him a Infidelity Folder. The front part of the folder says My Infidelity Folder.
From A Loving Trusting Wife to her Cheating Lying Husband.
In one pocket it has the letter I wrote him about how all this has made me feel. In the other pocket, it has four scrapbook pages I made for him. The first scrapbook page has this girl's senior pictures on it along with another picture of her sticking her tongue out. I will not say what I wrote under neath each picture, but I am sure you get the point. The second scrapbook page is filled with more pictures of her along with more imaginative captive slandering remarks. The third scrapbook page is pictures of our wedding day, of our children and filled with more captive slandering remarks. The forth page is filled with recent pictures of us together along with the caption, BROKEN HEARTED, CHEATER, TRUSTING WIFE...well you get the picture there too. I might actually scan those pages for my journal, once I am not so angry I can't look at the folder.

He is to look at the folder and read the letter each night before he goes to bed and each morning before he begins his day. And he has. Each day he tells me that he is glad I have stayed another day and that he prays I will be here when he comes home at night. If I am not here, he will still continue to work on his problems and prove to me how much he really does love me.

Our first marriage counseling session is tomorrow.

Today is better than yesterday and I can only hope tomorrow is better than today. At least I am sleeping dreamless sleeps at night. So I feel a bit better exhaustion wise.

I made him a Infidelity Folder. The front part of the folder says My Infidelity Folder.
From A Loving Trusting Wife to her Cheating Lying Husband.
In one pocket it has the letter I wrote him about how all this has made me feel. In the other pocket, it has four scrapbook pages I made for him. The first scrapbook page has this girl's senior pictures on it along with another picture of her sticking her tongue out. I will not say what I wrote under neath each picture, but I am sure you get the point. The second scrapbook page is filled with more pictures of her along with more imaginative captive slandering remarks. The third scrapbook page is pictures of our wedding day, of our children and filled with more captive slandering remarks. The forth page is filled with recent pictures of us together along with the caption, BROKEN HEARTED, CHEATER, TRUSTING WIFE...well you get the picture there too. I might actually scan those pages for my journal, once I am not so angry I can't look at the folder.

He is to look at the folder and read the letter each night before he goes to bed and each morning before he begins his day. And he has. Each day he tells me that he is glad I have stayed another day and that he prays I will be here when he comes home at night. If I am not here, he will still continue to work on his problems and prove to me how much he really does love me.

Our first marriage counseling session is tomorrow.

Today is better than yesterday and I can only hope tomorrow is better than today. At least I am sleeping dreamless sleeps at night. So I feel a bit better exhaustion wise.

Today I actually feel numb again. I think it is because I am nervous about going to the marriage counseling session or maybe it is because we are about to air out dirty laundry for all to hear. I don't know. I thought a shower and some breakfast would help me. But I am so worn out. Emotionally drained. I woke up this morning after sleeping nearly ten hours and I still wanted to sleep. It took everything I had to crawl off the couch and climb into the shower. This does not feel normal. Not at all. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I don't think I even felt like this when I caught him online. But this is different. This occured in real life, not online. There was actually physical sex involved this time, not just phone sex. Yes, I have to say he has an addiction. The very question that someone from this board asked me is the same one I asked him only yesterday. I only hope he can get some help.

OOPS! I meant to PM THIS. SO SORRY.

Again I tell myself that today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.
I kissed him last night. I was able to kiss him and not see her face. I think our first counseling session along with the book I am now reading, along with talking to MOM about this issue has helped me get some things into perspective. I know alot of my anger is gone now mainly because I threw so much of it into that folder this weekend. Though the folder is classified as a unhealthy form of punishment and abuse, I have kept it. Not to throw it into his face, but to see what I am truly capable of doing, as far as hurt wise. I will burn it along with our journal's once things start to calm down some and we know we are able to start moving past all of this.
My emotions are so raw right now and I feel like I am snapping and overstepping my boundaries alot more now. I just don't have the patience or willingness to go forth with my normal emotions right now and even the sound of the kids playing loudly and Quinlan's screams are hurting my very core. I hate hurting and I hate what this hurt has done to me. I feel numb all of the time, even when Eric attempts to hug me or touch my hand, I feel numb. I know that will pass soon, but right now, the numbness is the only way I feel that keeps me in "safe" and "secure" mode. If it were not for the numbness, I would not be able to face each day.
I love him though. I hate him for what he has done, but I still love him. My love for him is what is keeping me here. It is not for the kid's sake, but for our marriage sake. I truly feel like he is capable of changing and after seeing Isaiah and Carol Reed's testimony last night, I realized that he can change and will change when he starts allowing God to work in his life. I pray daily for healing for him first and foremost, because though his healing and his change, I will be able to heal.
Must go, I cannot bear to be online right now. Through my hurt, I am lashing out at others, especially those who do not deserve it.
More later.

I need a nap. Maybe once Keegan gets out of school, I can nap. I have been online for over two hours now, trying to get some reassurance that I am not the only one battling this. I just need that reassurance that I can move past this, that our marriage can be strong, stronger than it ever has been.