Troubled Heart: From Stable to Broken

65 posts / 0 new
Last post
ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
Troubled Heart: From Stable to Broken

In a few short weeks I will be the mother of three small children. Our family is growing and stopping at the same time.
This pregnancy has been a marvel for me. All the ups and downs, all of the aches and pains, all of the committment to introducing another child into our lives coupled with Keegan's situation and Shaylah's increasing independence. What happened? When did they grow up? When did I stop considering them tiny to considering them grown? I am just totally amazed by all of this. With this being my third and final pregnancy, I can only reflect in the bittersweet moments and longing that come towards the end of pregnancy. In a way, I long to slow it down and then again, I can't wait to hold him, finally, from the safe confines of my belly to the warm protection of my arms. I can't wait to nurse, rock and bathe him. I miss being able to do that with my other two children, miss their dependency and angst for me to do for them immediately instead of later on. WOW!!
Even as sick as I feel right now, I needed to sort through some feelings. I needed to open up about somethings. I just want to be heard, without the actual advice that comes with being heard.
The life that has become my own is stretching now, opening up to new possibilities and endless opportunities. Our new start has finally happened, Eric and I are finally happy in our marriage and the kids are alot more settled. Thank goodness for the richness of love, patience, kindness, and devotion that comes with family ties.
I must retire to bed now, my eyes are heavy, my tummy in knots. But I cannot wait to fulfill this journal with more of my thoughts when I am able to think straight.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Today has been a bloomer of a day. I spent the majority of my day in Graham with the kids while Eric went to have his physical done in Wichita Falls. Considering I have not been feeling to well lately, we decided that since he would have the car all day long that I would fare better there closer to my doc should I need to see him again today.
Nothing much happened today, other than a fight between me and hubby over some information that should not have been talked about. So now that I am over my tiffy part, I am going to run along to bed. Hopefully I will have alot more to update on tomorrow.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Today was a much better day. I actually got decent sleep once the Tylenol Pm kicked in and I awoke this morning ready to start my day fresh with the gall bladder sono appt and my ob follow up. Everything seems fine with my gall bladder in the sense that I do not have gall stones, but I do have major reflux, which could be irritating my gall bladder amongst other things. So I am now apart of the Purple Pill Poppers and on Nexium for the duration of this pregnancy.
Anyhow, right after the appointment, I went to see Tonya and mom and got involved in a very good movie that I need to buy to have. The Doctor with William Hurt. A emotionally moving film about a doctor overcoming cancer and his inability to be connected to his patients. I highly recommend watching it. Anyhow, Tonya moseyed off to work and mom and I finished the movie alone. While there, mom asked if she could get me to do her a favor. I asked her if it involved me going to buy her cigarettes and she said yes, please. I flat out told her no, I don't buy anyone cigarettes, pregnant or not. I just don't support smoking and I don't want to be looked at funny walking in to purchase them being as pregnant as I am. She told me that her arthritis was acting up really bad today and she had not planned on getting out and since Tonya was procrastinating today, she did not think to ask her. I apologized to her and told her I hoped I had not hurt her feelings, but I just don't feel comfortable buying them for anyone. She said she understood, but I got to listen to moaning the rest of the visit about how much pain she was in today.
Came home to the house smelling like tomatoes and beef and found out that Eric was cooking homemade stew and tortillas for dinner. I was overjoyed, I love his stew. And his tortillas taste better than store bought.
Anyhow, got all of the baby's clothes put away and hung up and got laundry started which is a huge plus right now. The dining room floor and living room floors have been swept, now I just need to mop. I am trying to get some "nesting" out of the way while I am up to it, because I know that end of pregnancy fatigue is back on the way soon.
Other than that, nothing else has happened today.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I should just x-post Feb06 topics that I wrote tonight, but I just feel like I need to vent some more. I am so freaking tired of being in pain. All these thoughts keep running through my head about how I am going to last another four weeks of hell being pregnant. I want to meet my little man, but I want him to be healthy too.
My rib pain, right side is back, full force again. My reflux is also back. I have taken a Nexium with no relief in site. I have also been having off and on contractions as well.

Last night, I hurt so bad from the rib pain and back pain that I wanted to claw myself out of my own skin. I could barely handle the feelings of my cotton pj's on my body, let alone the feeling of the air mattress at my best friends house. Eric tried as he could to take away the pain by rubbing my back, and it calmed me some, but the pain alone made me not want to be touched. Hydrocodone did not help either. You know it is bad when painkillers don't help. I still feel like I can't be in my own skin right now. I hurt, plain and simple.

He has dropped more, alot. Mom(Jackie) looked at me today and told me that she does not think I will make it to the end of the week. She felt like we may actually have a New Year's baby on the way. I don't think I will go then, but I don't think I will last until my scheduled C/section date either. I just don't know what to do anymore with being miserable.
I just want to tell my doctor to please let me have him now. If I am still measuring two weeks ahead, which I honestly think back on my LMP and I think two weeks ahead is actually the growth I am. I think I am actually 36 1/2 weeks instead of 34 1/2 weeks. My period was so wacky in May. Only two days, not enough to soak a Tampon in one day, which is very, very unusual for me.

I just need to vent to him about it all. I need him to know how much I am hurting and that I just don't think I can last until Jan 26th. I have never had this type of pain with any of my pregnancies, ever. This one has been so hard on me, weight wise as well as sicky wise.

I am going to bed now. :cry:

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

:?

I feel so darn indifferent tonight. Thank goodness for journals and a place to vent out what I am feeling without actually asking anyone's advice.

This has been a heck of a day. I have not been feeling right, I just want to crawl out of my own skin. It is like I cannot stand to be me right now. How horrible do I sound asking that ? I think it is the jitters, I am only 30 days from delivery, but my body is making me feel like I am not going to make it that far. I have been having BH's alot and some of them have hurt. Some of them get so tight and put so much pressure on my lower regions and I feel popping with them in my lower regions some. Not sure if that is normal or not. Not sure how to describe that to the doctor either. I have been so irritable as well. Nothing makes sense right now, I get upset over everything and I can't stand to be around anyone for more than a couple of minutes. I am just ready to have Quinlan. I have been praying for a great outcome here, praying that he comes when he is ready, but also praying that if he is ready, that he comes now. I am so miserable and unhappy with how I am feeling and just want to be normal for Eric and the kids. I just want to hold Quinlan and get ready to raise him. Is it asking to much for this to come sooner than my delivery date??? God, I feel horrible for feeling like this.

Eric's first day at work went awesome. He is already a new man and seems to really be impressed with the outcome. I am so excited financially for us, it is 500 more a mnth than what he was making with DQ with the potential to earn lots more. Finally, we are going to be back on stable ground. The medical, dental and eye benefits are awesome too, so we are actually looking forward to this for him. He goes in at 8:15 tomorrow for his first route run with another person. I hope he gets someone decent.

My best friend called me at MOM's house today, she is pregnant. She has been really sick at her stomach, very drained and just has not felt right. So she took a test and it was positive. She ended up doing a HCG level on herself as well and it came out to 12. Very low, but then again, she is not very far along at all. She is worried about it being etopic, she has been having alot of lower left side pain, sometimes excruciating and she is refusing to get it checked out until she knows for sure that this is for real. I think she is in denial, not sure. She has also been semi diagnosed as having Parkinson's and is on some pretty potent medication right now. She is refusing to take herself off of it and in that sense, I don't blame her at all. I think I would rather chance staying on medication than chance my symptoms getting worse, pregnancy or no. She is in a complicated relationship right now as well and is not making a committment to him until some things are worked out. He wants marriage, she asks what the point is?? Another long story, not willing to go into the entire issue since others have access to my journal right now.
She asked me to pray she has a miscarriage, she can't handle the possibility of having a baby, does not want children, period and can't chance her condition getting worse. I told her I could not pray for a life to be taken, no matter if she is in embryo stage or not. I told her I would pray that things work out like they should work out and that she excepts whatever outcome happens. I am about to email her somethings I was not able to talk to her about in the hospital, hopefully she will be willing to listen to reason.

Tonya and MOM are both pushing for me to spend the next several weeks in Graham with them, on days that Eric has to work. Not that I don't love going there, but I am really tired and just want one day at home, with my kiddos, my computer, my movies, my bed and my own food. Eric is being persistant about me going too. MOM has MS, RA, CHF amongst other things and is in constant pain all the time and honestly, I just get tired of sitting around doing nothing when I am over there. My kids get bored, toys and movies are there for them, but they want to be outside running around and truthfully I want them to be outside running around too. I tried to convince MOM and Tonya that I wanted to just stay at home tomorrow and then go back up there on WED and they would not go for it. They asked me what I would do should my water break, or is I went into labor or if something happened to one of the kiddos and I did not have my vehicle. They have a valid point, but with as irritable as I have been lately, coupled with feeling like I am responsible for my children and keeping her absolutely stress free, home is where I prefer to be. But like a good girl, I am going to go in for as long as I can handle it right now.

Moseying off to bed now.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Dirol

That today has been a great day. I have been so busy taking care of the kiddos and posting online here that I feel alot more under control with the contractions and alot less stressed about everything else.
I am trying to get some energy so I can clean up this house, it is such a wreck in the three main areas that it does not need to be a mess in, the living room, dining room and kitchen. YUCK!!! If I can just muster up the energy to clean up those rooms, I will feel a lot better. The sweeping and mopping Eric can do when he is off.

Anyhow, called MOM to see how the interview with the new caregiver went and apparently it went really really well. She starts tomorrow, so MOM and Richard will not be alone anymore than they should be. MOM has also lost 20lbs in the last 2 weeks, not good and the only thing she is able to keep down right now is buttermilk. She is going to try some cornbread tonight. I worry about her getting dehydrated. I sure hope that is not the case. Otherwise, everything looks good for her.

On other news, Tonya has started to miscarry. She went off her medication the last three days and also cut back on ciggies because she was trying to do everything the best she could to hang on to this baby if it was meant to be. This morning, she just did not feel right and went to the bathroom and saw that she was starting to miscarry. I am sad for her in a way, because this will be her third miscarriage and even though it is for the best in her condition, it still does not make it any easier to cope with losing a baby. She was very early pg. Not even a month.

Eric seems to really be loving his job more and more. He takes his driving test next Wed and then should be able to start on his route then. I can't wait for him to start gaining clientel and getting commissions, not to mention all the discounts we will get from Schwan's. YUMMY!!!

My children are getting on my everlasting last nerve. My reserve nerve has even been used up, which is not a good sign. At least bedtime is coming soon. Only an hour left until I can lay them down. You know it is bad when you are counting time down to bedtime. Keegan had the nerve to run from me today when I went to lay him down for his nap, told me that he could not take my attitude and was going outside. He then told me he was a big boy and should not have to take a nap anymore. ARGH!! I am so ready for preschool to start for him. BRING IT ON.

I am feeling better. I had a very interesting trip to L and D last night. I had to be monitored for four hours and they determined that I was trying to go into preterm labor and now I am on Brethine. I take it every four hours as needed for contractions. I never thought I would have to be on a contraction medication, but it has finally happened. My doctor did an internal, looked at me, and told me I was five miles deep and tightly closed. Not going to happen anytime soon, that is for sure. At least not naturally.
I actually got to spend the day at home today and it was a nice change. The kids have all their toys, friends and beds again, thank goodness. I can actually send them to their rooms now and mean it. I will not be making any more trips into Graham again until I absolutely have too, because the vibrations from the travel along with the bumpiness in the roads makes my contractions start up again. I imagine I will end up spending the night in Graham the night before my c/section, because I will have to be at the hospital so early in the morning.
Anyhow, not much else is going on right now. Need to take a Nexium andg get the kids ready for bed.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Lol

Stewie Griffin the Untold Story is so freakin funny. That was the way I ended my day yesterday, with a Taco Bell Taco, a huge glass of water and that movie. Hubbie was curled up on the couch laughing right along with me. It was great.

I received a letter from Michele, a childhood best friend of mine and she is getting MARRIED again in Feb. I am so happy for her. She was in a really complicated marriage that ended in March 04 and she had a miscarriage during that time which almost pushed her over the edge. She has the most amazing strength in God and along with that and moving back home to Amarillo, she has been able to rebuild her life again. The man she is marrying have two little boys, aged 8 and 6. She already considers them hers. I told her come heck or high water I would be there for her wedding. I will only be about four weeks postpartum, but I don't care. I will endure a bit of pain to see her marry this wonderful man.

We have decided to stay at home tonight to ring in the New Year. We feel it safer that way since all the drunks will be out and we live in a dry county, so everyone and their dog will be heading 15 miles to the south of us to get alcohol and I really don't want to be on the roads at that time.
We are going to do Chicken Wings, chips, dips, and probally some cider to ring in the New Year.

Otherwise, all is quiet here on the homefront. Eric has a three day weekend and I plan on spending as much time with him as I possibly can. He learned he has one overnight route every other week and I am able to join him there if I want too, but he will only be 45 minutes away from me should I need him. So I am not too worried about it. It is money after all and he has the potential to reap alot of it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!!!

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I get to have a BABY SHOWER!!!!! I can't believe it, a BABY SHOWER!!! I honestly was not going to get excited about this at all, I honestly did not want a baby shower this time around, buuuuuttt, I think it is honestly a good thing and it will give me a chance to get to know some of the ladies from church better.

I did not make it to midnight last night. I feel asleep at eleven, while Eric came in here and watched the countdown and got to start the New Year alone. I plan on making it up to him tonight though, if I can manage to move baby out of the way. Lol

We did not eat our Blackeyed Peas today, not really in the mood for them and I love them. Only Peas I will eat. Not sure what Eric is making for dinner tonight, something is cooking, but I am not really hungry right now anyhow. I have been more thirsty than hungry lately. Hopefully lack of appetite is not a sign on impending birth. I honestly now want to wait until Jan 26th. I can only hope Quinlan wants the same thing too.

My dad called me a bit ago and we talked for like 6 minutes. WOW, 6 minutes, amazing what you can talk about in six minutes. LOL.
He had a great Christmas, my GM and Aunt were actually civil and they even asked about me, which was incredibly suprising. I only wish they would call me so I can talk to them too. I miss hearing my GM voice, my aunt won't give me their new phone number, so I can't call them, so the only contact we have right now is by letters or cards. Sucks I know, but at least it is some contact. I plan on making an appearance when I go into Amarillo for a weekend to see everyone. Just surpise them. What can they do then, turn me away. Lord, I hope they don't. I hate that there is such selfishness and anger in my family. I know I am not perfect, but I care enough to write and check in on them. They need to know that things can be mended and with Nanny so sick, I need to know I will have one last chance to talk to her.

Anyhow, all in the life of Burton, I am going to help hubby with the kitchen and dinner.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

It seems forever since I have updated. There has been so much going on here, with the pregnancy and with trying to get everything finalized for the birth, that I just am not able to be online

I have Pre-Eclampsia and I am on total bedrest. It sucks, but it is helping to keep my Blood Pressure stablized and keeping all my swelling at bay, so I really cannot complain about that.
Eric has been so good to me during this time. He has been making sure the house is clean and that laundry is caught up when he is off not to mention, he walks in and I am off the couch and right to bed.
He should be home soon, I am hoping it is not a late night for him. They try to keep Saturday nights early. He was a bit late going to work today because of waking up late, getting the kids and I settled and they called to see what was going on. I have not heard from him all day long, which he told me he would try to call me, so I am not trying to take it personal, but it still would have been nice of him to call me and ask how I was doing.
A lady from my board called me today. She is a absolute sweetheart and I have only posted to her a couple of times, but we seemed to have really hit it off. I took her number down and I hope that we continue to talk.
Anyhow, everything is ok on the homefront today. The neighbor girls helped me with the kids today so I could lay up in bed and now I am updating and about to become a couch potato again. As soon as Eric comes home, it is off to bed for me.
I am amazed at the rate babies are being born now. There are two from the Jan board that are in labor right now and one on Feb that it seems will be having her baby soon. I can't wait until we all start having our babies. It is going to be great to be able to start posting birth stories and pictures of our little ones. How exciting this time is becoming. That is the only thing keeping me positive right now, knowing we are going to meet our little people soon.
Anyhow, must get back to bed.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I want to trust him, I really do. I keep telling myself that there is nothing going on. So I am going to try and dissect this email in his yahoo account.
I love him, he is my soulmate. Almost two years without anything happening to make me not trust him and I find this email from December 16th, 05 to god knows who and I have no idea what it means.

Date: Fri, 16 Dec 2005 19:38:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Eric Burton" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Subject: hey
To: [email]whiskerkitten911@yahoo.com[/email]

just wanted to know I am moving back tgo amarillo, that is why I wanted to surprise you when I came up to amarillo 2 days ago.....but like I said I found out you were talking to someone else, so I decided I was going to go back to amarillo to my life and live with a child that was not mine, she told me it was not......

erich

Part of my dissection is this:
1. He does not spell his name like that. That is how we are spelling our son's middle name. That is the way my husband would like to spell his name.
2. I looked up her profile, she is none existant. I tried to send an email to this account, it is not existant. So that baffles me. Why would he send an email to someone who does not have an account?
3. Why would he make up a lie like this? He is not moving back to Amarillo, he was never in Amarillo last month and he does not have a life with another women who has a child not by him.

So I am baffled. It makes no sense to me.
Tonya told me that this email does not sound anything like him at all. She said it sounds like a fluke, but it does not have Eric is freakin around on you written on it. She said it sounds like he was trying to get this girl off his back or he created this account to see if I would be checking up on him. I honestly was not trying to check up on him, I was in his account to log off and to log back on to mine so I could check my email and well, yes I looked.
I don't know. I guess I should let sleeping dogs lie, but this one is really baffling me. Needless to say, he has some explaining to do.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

It is almost over with, I am so very close to having this baby and I cannot be more overjoyed about it all.
I had to be admitted into the hospital on Tuesday night. My BP was horrible on Tuesday at my appt and he did not like the fact that I was not sleeping like I should, so he put me in. And you know what, it worked like a charm. My BP stabilized back to normal and I was able to sleep, watch whatever I wanted, have great home cooked meals and be waited on hand and foot. I really needed it. I needed the rest and I needed the lack of stress.
I feel really tired right now and I am having an abundace of pelvic pressure which is making it incredibly hard to get comfortable in any position I put myself in. I was told by my doc's nurse that it will only get worse, because I am on bedrest, the lower muscles are not being used and since I am not walking like I should, it is making it alot worse. I wish my water would break so I could have a baby right now and rid myself of all this lower pain. Aside from that, I feel ok.
Going into Graham tomorrow for church, taking my boppy pillow along with me so I can recline back in the pew while the sermon is going on and then I am going to have a baby shower to attend in my honor. YAY!! I am excited. Eric will update more for me tomorrow.
Anyhow, almost done watching seasons 1 and 2 of sex and the city, it is great. Tonya is loaning me seasons 3 and four tomorrow so I will have more to occupy my time. I can't wait. They are awesome.
Anyhow, going to bed. Just needed to put the pressure to rest in a hard chair, it is lessened some, so now I think I can get up, potty and go to bed.
Book of choice this week: The Motherly Art of Breastfeeding by the La Leche League. So far, it is great.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
X-Posted from Feb 06

Before anyone tells me to get back to bed, my feet are propped and I am reclining back right now.
We made a makeshift propper and a way for me to recline back so I could still be online for a bit without sitting straight up with my feet dangling off the chair. The only sucky thing about it is that my belly gets in the way of my keyboard...LOL.

Anyhow, I am feeling much, much better today. I slept like a baby for the most part last night, only got up a total of 6 times to pee, down from my normal 10-12 times and I have had my frapichino(sp?) this morning.

Quinlan has changed positions. His back and bum are to my stomach now, his face is toward my bum. I only feel him squirm now, not kick.
I have another NST tomorrow and I know for sure my BP is going to be fine. I have no worries about it.

MOM took Keegan for me today, I have Shaylah. Neither one of us could deal with both kiddos alone today, so we split them up and it has been the best thing for us both. She will be able to rest and I will too. Shaylah is coloring right now, drinking a Koolaid Jammer and I am able to post an update while resting as well. We are going to have Hot pockets for lunch, plug in a movie in the bedroom after lunch and both take a nap together. She is my cuddle bunny today and has been soooooooooooo GOOD. I have only had to put her in time out once this morning and since then she has been an angel. Those of you with toddlers who re rebelling know why this makes me happy, because on a normal day, with bubba here, she is in time out about 40 times by the time lunch time comes around..hehehe.
Later on, I will recline back on the couch to watch her play with our puppies....well, our neighbor hood puppies. They are so darn cute and so good with her.

Anyhow, Had Baby shower yesterday. We got a carseat, outfits, diapers, wipes, hoody towel set, shoes, booties, a cuddletime blanket(so soft I want to steal it for myself) some receiving blankets, a mold set for footprints/handprints, a diaper bag, the whole Johnson and Johnson Baby Gift Pak, washcloths, nasal aspirator, a stuffed blue fleece elephant, bright blue bear, some cash and giftcards to get whatever else we needed. All we are lacking now is the breastpump and baby tub. They had finger foods, lemon cookies and peach tea for our luncheon. Eric and the kids stayed for the shower as well as a couple of the other men from our congregation. It was a very nice relaxful time and I really enjoyed getting to know them better. Keegan is the one who took the pictures, he did such a good job, so I will post them later on.

Anyhow, not much else to update on. I hope everyone had a great weekend and I am going to try to catch up as much as I can. HUGS!!!!

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

UGH, on a downer, I am having off and on contractions as well as a crap load of pelvic pressure. It hurts, ALOT!!!!!!!! Not to mention the slight menstrual cramping that is going on. I actually wonder if there has been any changes going on down there. I think not, but can't help but wonder.
Day is good, about to log off, watch a movie and go to bed for a nap with my little girl.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

My appt yesterday did not go as planned. Fooey. But at least we had alot of humor and laughs about it. That is one thing I love about my doc, he is able to make me laugh, even when I feel like running over him. Smile
Got hooked up to the NST earlier than planned because I had been having contractions every 8-10 minutes apart. Well unfortunately, even after moving the machine around alot, they were not able to get the contractions to pick up on measuring like they wanted to. So apparently, they were considered Braxton Hicks only, so nothing to write home about.
Did an internal check, he asked me what I was told last time he checked me, I told him he told me I was five miles deep and tight as a drum. He laughed and asked me if I thought I had changed and I said honestly, no, my body never cooperates with me, so I think I am the same. Sure enough, cervix has not changed. SUCK!!!
Next, biophysical. Quinlan's melon is right at my pelvic bone, slamming right up against it and that is what is causing all my pressure and serious pain. He LOOKS sooooooooo good, honestly, so good. I am so happy that in eight short days, after a uncomfortable surgery, that he will finally be in my arms. The desire to have him is soooooooo strong that I keep telling myself I can't wait, when I really know I can.
So, needless to say, my c/section due date is remaining the same unless for some unforseen reason, my water breaks or I start labor on my own in the next week. Seriously, we are still having this baby on the 26th because I know my body will not cooperate.
His bag is packed, mine isn't. I need to repack it and leave it alone. I keep digging things out of it to either read or wear and I just need to pack it and leave it alone.

Here is a list of things I am taking with me:

1.) Digital Camera
2.) Baby Book
3.) The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding(which I swear by)
4.) Breastpump
5.) Take home outfit
6.) Receiving blankets that MOM made him.
7.) Some really comfortable jammies or nightgown to wear while I am there so I can stay out of the hospital gowns. I am definately coming home in jammie pants though, so I can be comfy.
8.) Houseshoes and my keds slipper socks.
9.) Pamper me smell good stuff
10.)Makeup for me to apply before I take any hospital pictures.
11.)Toiletries, yes, this includes those really large maxi pads since bleeding is usually really heavy right after surgery and delivery.
12.)Nursing Bras

I am sure I will think of a few other things between now and then and I have never been good at packing a hospital bed because I usually get there and think about what I forgot to bring and Eric usually has to be my gopher boy. LOL.

I feel good today. I am going to fold some laundry while watching American Idol tonight and Shaylah and I are about to take a nap.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

X-Posted from Feb 06:

After reading Chase007's post about her contractions and it being the anniversary of her losing her mother, I started thinking about my papa and my MIL.

Jan 22, 02- We lost my MIL Debbie after 15 years of her fighting liver disease and just a few shorts months after being diagnosed with cancer of the liver and spleen. Keegan was only 13 mnths old. She lived long enough to see Eric married, her first grandchild born and to see him get his promotion with the Dept of Corrections.

Jan 27, 02- We lost my grandfather, my precious papa, to COPD and lung cancer. I was incredibly close to him and even with it being four years later, I still miss him sooo much and wish he was here to see his fifth Great grandchild born.

Feb 06, 02- We lost our angel baby. I was ten weeks along when our angel passed.

So in light of everything, four years later, we are bringing a baby into this world. Only 4 days after the passing anniversary of my MIL and one day before my papa's anniversary. Alot of people may think it is a morbid time to be having a baby, I consider it a blessing. My due date this time is one day before we lost our angel baby. So this was meant to be and something to be celebrated in light of what happened four years ago.
Thank God for miracles and blessings, especially during a difficult week of missing MIL and Papa.
_________________

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
Been a while:

WOW! So much has happened since I last posted here.
January 22nd-Lost plug in the Walmart Bathroom.
January 23rd- 442a-Water broke after a shot to the bathroom and finally getting settled back into bed. Since we had a Section planned that week and no chance of me laboring naturally, we were on our way to the hospital immediately. I had my surgery first thing at 8am, first one on the OR schedule and I was the only one to deliver a baby that day. So imagine my relief when I got special treatment that day.
January 26th- Released from the hospital after one more day to get my bowels moving. Doctor walked in on me the night before to find me sitting on the pot trying to have a bowel movement. I was so embarrassed, Eric laughed it off.
January 31st- Last day on pain medication. I was so proud of myself for weaning myself off of it. I have really coped well with this.
Today- Beat the postpartum blues last night for the first time in four days. I actually did not cry last night, such a relief. Woke up this morning after a full night's sleep and felt so refreshed and happy to start the day off right. It has been a nice change. I finally feel semi normal.
Laundry is on the agenda, cleaning up my nasty kitchen is on the agenda and just relaxing and enjoying the cool breeze coming in.

Quinlan is making such progress. I can't believe on that Monday Feb 6th he will be two weeks old. Where has the time gone????????
He has no more jaundice and his cord is almost gone. I can't wait to give him his first baby tub bath. We have been using Huggies Watermelon Wash and it smells so good on him. My little Watermelon Baby.

February Sweethearts are starting to come fast. Can't believe how many of us have already had our babies. I am so excited to hear more birth stories.

Anyhow, need to run, Shaylah is into mischief and Quinlan is crying a bit.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I am so aggravated right now. I just don't understand Eric. I wish I could say that I do, but I don't. His attitude sucks this week, he was incredibly cold to me last night and this morning, he still did not apologize to me. I am not sure exactly what I have done wrong to make him act like this towards me, he swears it is nothing other than the house being a constant wreck and then he tells me he is just worried about me being sick. I am doing the best I can right now and he does not seem to realize that. He seems to think Quinlan is content all the time, that the kids listen really well and that I have all this time on my hands to care for the house, when in fact, it is exact opposite. I don't have time, Quinlan fusses alot and the kids are nightmares during the day. I just don't know what else to do to make him happy.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I don't know why he says things that can and will hurt me.

This past week and this whole weekend have been like that around here.

I think my mood sparked off when he forgot Valentine's Day. He went out and bought himself a hot new cell phone, but I never got a card, no chocolate, nothing. So my feelings were hurt, did I say anything to him about it, well no, how petty would I sound? I should not have to say anything, he should know.

This weekend, nagging about the house and petty comments were made. It hurts when he thinks I should be super woman, have this house cleaned, not be sick and take care of the kids all at the same time. It is not like I asked for us all to be sick this last week, it is not like I chose the house to become so freakin messy. I am just really hurt by him right now.

And then today, he pops off with a comment that stopped me in my tracks. And it was a petty comment, but it cut me like a knife. He ran into a younger woman, probally about twentish who still lives at home with her parents and her young child. Well he goes to the door to make a delivery and she answers the door in her underwear. Well, he completes her order and then gets back into the truck and calls me. Apparently she was eye candy to him. He tells me all about her and then pops off with this comment: ALL I CAN SAY IS IT IS A GOOD THING I AM MARRIED, WOOOOOO, DANG.

So I am immensly quiet at this point and when he asks what is wrong, I told him I am his wife, not his little buddy and he should never ever approach me with a story like that. How is that supposed to make me feel? He apologized to me, even now, he apologized to me, but I can't let it go. Now he is pissed because this will be yet another thing for me to hang over his head and I told him if he would stop doing shit like this, I would not have anything to hang over his head. UGH!! I hate the fact that I can't feel a complete trust for him, once I get close, I find out a lie or he makes a comment and then I begin to question how devoted to me and our marriage he really is. I just want it all better, I want to trust him and his intentions in our marriage, but sometimes I feel like I never really knew him at all.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
I have been thinking:

Which is incredibly dangerous for me on all levels of the playing field.
I want to go back to work, almost desperately. I want to have a semi normal family life again, to come home and be able to sit down at the dinner table and to have family outings on the weekends. I miss my husband, alot, I HATE his overnights,with a passion. I hate the fact that I have to sleep in our bed semi alone(quinlan sleeps with me) and his side of the bed stays cold while he has to sleep in a hotel room without the comfort of my snoring to help him sleep.
I HATE being lonely. I feel like such a horrible wife, I found myself looking at websites I should not have been looking at because I was LONELY and Eric found out and though he is not mad, he is worried for me. He is worried that my loneliness will lead to me being tested and tempted and though I have promised him that he never has to worry about me venturing out to find greener grasses(there are none, I love my husband) he is worried that my loneliness will lead to a bigger problem that he has no control of. I assured him that once I looked at those websites, I clicked right out of them and have not done it since.
So in the midst of talking about all of this, I told him that I was tired of being lonely and I wanted to get a job. I love our kids, I love being with them, but I need a job, I need to be out amongst adults and I need to feel productive. I know I am wanted around here, but I need to be productive, more so than what housework has to offer.
I want to cry right now, for feeling like this. I miss having friends, I miss going out with the girls and having some much needed mommy time. I miss dating my husband, our nights out at a movie or dinner and I miss being held by him. We don't get cuddle time much because of the three kiddos and we sure don't get it in bed anymore because we share our bed with a precious angel, Quinlan. The only time we have together is in the shower with one another, but even that is not the same. Gone are our alone times and here are the times of Mommy/Daddy this, Mommy/Daddy that!
I know my feelings will pass, they always do. I just need an attitude adjustment and need to feel more thankful for what I have. I do thank God that I have three beautiful children and a wonderful hubby. I am incredibly thankful and I need to be more thankful that I get to spend so much time with the kids.

So I am job searching now. Eric will go back to school part time and we will get to have our life back on track. SO I can hope.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Jill is in labor. I am so incredibly excited for her right now and I wanted to talk to her and hate the fact that I missed her phone call this morning. She sounded so out of breathe and was in the middle of a contraction when I came home and listened to the answering machine. I tried to call her back and got her voice mail. It is ok, she is in labor, I do not expect her to answer her phone while she is laboring. I can't wait to hear if little JackHammer is a boy or girl though!! I am thinking boy but instictively feel it is a girl. We shall see.

I feel like such a wench right now. I pretty much ignored Eric on the way to work this morning. I just did not have much to say to him this morning. I asked him to stay home today, so I could look for a job and if he was really wanting to go back to work for the state, so he could look as well. I asked him how I was supposed to find a job when I have no one here to help me with the kiddos and how was he going to look for something more stable if he was not here. He said he would figure it out. That is not good enough, not at all. Things don't get figured out unless you are available to work on them. Today is one of his slow days, he never makes much money on this route and it would have been pointless to work for thirteen hours and only come away with 50 bucks in his pocket. I know 50 bucks is more than zero money, but how worth it can it be to sacrifice your family and your sanity if you can't make productive money in a dead in job when there is bigger possibilities out there, especially with the type of license I have. I could have a job tomorrow, if he would come home and give me the chance to go out and get it.
So now, I am not talking to him, I am too angry. I am tired of being alone, I am tired of feeling like a single parent and it is time he realizes it is not ok for him to be gone all the time. This job, commission only, is not worth it. Not worth losing your family or your marriage over.

He tried to call me a bit ago, called to say he loved me. I did not answer the phone, just let the answering machine get it. I can't stop crying so therefore I have nothing to say to him right now. He sounded like he was about to cry when he hung up, so what, let him cry. Let him suffer emotionally like I am suffering and let him wonder if I am going to be here tomorrow when he comes home. Let him know what it feels like to be lonely. Then maybe he will stop taking my feelings for granted.

I need to do some houswork right now. I need an outlet and this outlet has to be done. Hopefully when I am done, I will feel better. :cry:

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

It has been a crazy week thus far. A journal entry and then I need to get off the computer for the rest of the day so I can spend some time with hubby. I have missed him.

Tonya is incredibly sick and I am so worried about her. I have not really talked to her since Friday. I did call to see if Mom was home from the hospital yesterday and she is, but Tonya has not gone back to the hospital yet, which infuriates me because she is just that sick. It is like she is giving up, between all her female issues, between this horrid pneumonia and between the liver issue, it seems like she can't win for losing. I just don't know what to tell her anymore or what I can do for her anymore. Someone give me a answer. Talked to my other friend Jill this morning about it and she asked if Tonya had been eating and I told her no, the only thing she has been eating is orange push ups and mac/cheese. She is getting no nutrition, AIRBORNE and Vitamin C are not going to take this away and the best place for her right now is in the hospital getting better. Her excuse, I CAN'T MISS ANYMORE WORK!! Well if you don't get well, you are going to miss a whole heck of a lot more, YOUR LIFE. She can't breathe. What could possibly be worse than that feeling? Nothing I can think of.

Quinlan has a dry hacking cough and I really think he has asthma or severe allergies. Poor baby, I wanted him to look like me, but not act like me. Anyhow, he is down for his nap, so I am going to spend some time with Hubby. More later, I am sure.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Add me to the list of sick people now!!

This totally sucks. I have severe left sided pain. I was told by my doctor that I have fluid in my uterus and an infection in my tubal site of my left ovary. I am on two antibiotics for it right now along with another antibiotic for bronchitis. He told me that if the infection in my uterus did not clear up in two weeks then I would have to have a D and C to see what else is going on. I don't need or want more surgery right now. I have enough going on without worrying about another recovery. Though I know it is a minor surgery, it is more for us to worry about at this point. No thank you! WORK MEDICINE WORK!!!!!

I am extremly upset with my best friend. But with a screaming baby, I will have to update this more later.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Why am I getting the feeling that all I do is complain about how I am feeling, about my husband's job, about everything. I posted an update on my pain and that I was going to the ER to be checked out and was hurt by a person who replied to it. And I love this person, I think she is an absolute sweetheart and I don't think she meant to make it sound that way, but maybe she did. I don't know. Anyhow it hurt, so I added my own smart reply back to it. My feelings are if you cannot reply nicely to someone's concern or comment, then please do not reply at all. I love and trust everyone on my board and try not to take offense to some of their replies, but I also expect a certain amount of sincerity, the same sincerity I show them. Anyhow, just awaiting Eric's call and then I am out. I just need to figure out what is going on so I can care for my kiddos pain free.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
I got a smile out of my little man today:

And other chipper news, here it is:

He finally smiled for the camera and I could not be happier about it. He is sick with Bronchiolitis, not Bronchitis and has to finish up his Zithromax along with starting a new regimen of breathing treatments. I am not happy about him having to be on albuterol treatments, but again, as long as he gets better, what else can be done.

Today is shaping up to be a decent day today. The weather is absolutely gorgeous outside, no wind, and so far the kids are great. About to lay Shaylah down for a nap and Keegan and I are going to watch a movie together. Quinlan is content right now for the most part, so that is a very good thing. Eric is on an overnight tonight and I am not stressing about it too much right now. I think by tomorrow I will be ready to pull my hair out, but right now, I am ok. I feel like I am running a daycare right now, with all the running around and messes. Smile Anyhow, need to switch out laundry and wait for a phone call about Quinlan's nebulizer.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
This is crazy:

I am having a freakin anxiety attack and it sucks. What in the world? I was sitting there, listening to Chris D sing on American Idol and my heart starts jumping and I am going crazy with its skipping beats. I think it stems from my worry about Quinlan. I hate when he coughs and can't catch his breathe in between. His read face makes me feel so horrible for him. I just want him well.

And I want this damn mouse out of my house. He is behind the refrigerator right now. I love being on the back half of Olney, but I hate being right by the field too. The snap and trap is set, so all I need for him to do is walk right to it so it will trap him inside and I can be rid of him. BRING IT ON JERRY JR, you are going to go away tonight if I have to stay awake all night to coax you, smart Bugger, but I am smarter.

Anyhow, kids are asleep so I am actually able to have some mommy time right now. I need to start that book tonight, but I may wait until their naptime tomorrow. I am so freakin tired but my anxiety is keeping me awake right now. I just really need my little man to be better and I am missing my husband right now and so far, I am still calm with him being away, but maybe my anxiety is also a by product of that as well. Having to cope with a sick baby and my husband being on an overnight. I am counting the hours until I can see him again. 22hrs and counting. UGH, makes no sense, does it, to be counting the hours when hubby is away for only one night.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
I found a lump yesterday

I have been having this pain on my left side for over two weeks now. It is hard to the touch and tender. I had to drink this stuff to clear out my tummy and that seemed to work until I started to eat again and now the pain is back and getting increasingly worse again. I am at a standstill until I see my OB on Mon. I had an Xray done a week ago and I don't have the results just yet. I will not get them until I see him on Mon. He may actually release me from his care then and refer me to a GP who will then run further tests. Vicadin does not even take the edge off now.

That is not my concerning point right now. I have found a lump that has appeared within the last two weeks too. Not sure if this is related to my left sided pain or not but I need some answers and soon. It is located right under my left breast right on top of my rib cage. It could be a lymph node and it could be nothing at all. Not sure. I try not to worry about it, but I do. I don't need bad news right now and I need o get better for my children's sake. At least my spirits and attitude are great right now, even if my body is wanting to fail me. Smile

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
My sister made me cry today:

Amber can be so sweet when she wants to be. Just a bit of background so this will make sense, we have never been close. At all. There has always been a competition between the two of us it seems, who could do better in school, who can get married first, who has the better children. And sister's should never act like that. It seems when I would do something, she tried to be better at it. Does not make sense, but that is how it was, all the time.

Now I have moved from Amarillo and we don't see each other much anymore. We try to talk online daily and talk by phone once a week because of long distance. She admitted to me tonight while online together that she misses me. I replied with a Hmmmm? That is a first!! She said that she always misses me, but she never tells me and needs to start doing that. She even told me she loved me before she hung up with me tonight on the phone. I told her that I needed to hear that from her more and that I miss her alot too. She said that she was going to cry and I told her that it sucks that we never acted like sisters and spent much time together when I was still in Amarillo and she said, yes, that it did. Thank goodness for new door opening up, ya know. Things are finally being repaired with my family. And you know what, it feels great!!! So I send lots of Thank Yous to my sister in Amarillo who I love very much. She made my day!

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
Rain, Rain, Come Today!!!

Thank you God for the rain we have been getting the past 24hours. We have needed this so bad and allergies are finally calming down some because it is not as dusty outside now.

Baby Q calls, will update this journal later on.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I have made the decision to start a Fitness/Weight loss journal. As of yesterday, I am on two medications to help me with this as well as a modified diet. I am SUPER Estatic about this.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Potassium got a bit low last night. It felt like my legs were trying to seize up and my heart started to pound. I got up, popped me a multivitamin and ate a banana and it seemed to help. I have to remember when taking this dieretic that I have to eat tons of foods that have potassium in them or keep up with the multivitamins.

Slept from 12-3, woke up to Quinlan having a major gagging attack. With it, alot of really thick clear stuff emerged. I want to think he is getting better, but I really don't think he is. He is next appt is this next Mon. I am a bit worried about him going into the hospital, praying he doesn't. The breathing treatments help some, but not alot. He sounds alot more congested in his lungs again. I am so worried about him right now. He is too little to be going through this. Unfortunately, his insurance does not cover Xopenex treatments, so he has to use Albuterol which is hard on your heart sometimes. UGH!!! Anyhow, fell back asleep about 3:15 and slept until 7:15 this morning. Can't complain, got some really good sleep. Maybe it was because Eric was not here last night to take up half the bed. LOL.

He is crying now so I better make a bottle and get him up for the day!

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

dp

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Took Eric to the ER last night. It was pretty uneventful because they did not want to do anything for him without him having a PCP. He has been suffering from the same migraine since Thursday and finally, after alot of convincing, he went in for relief. They gave him a cocktail shot, which has done nothing for his pain other than knock him out enough that he does not notice it there until the medication starts wearing off.
Took him to see a PCP today, the same doc we use for our children and he is concerned about Eric's migraine along with other symptomatic episodes such as dropping things, stumbling, lethargy, not able to sleep correctly, muscle stiffness in neck and back and irritability. He has ordered a CT Scan tomorrow in the am and hopefully we will hear some results from that soon. Meanwhile, his medication has made him a bit hostile, so I have told him to keep his arse in our room until he can get a handle on his tude and pain. I am trying to deal with all of this as best as I can, between the two oldest, our baby, him and the house, I am going out of my mind not only with worry, but exhaustion.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

We had his CT scan today and hopefully the news is good. We did get some great news though. Cingular called me in for a second interview. I am praying, praying, praying that things go well with this. I am super excited about this opportunity. If I can land the job, Eric can stay home and our income will once again be stable.

I did another weigh in today. I have lost 9lbs so far in a weeks time. YAY!!! This diet and pill plan is really working for me. Need to run, got some house to clean up.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I am so incredibly sad right now. My grandmother's cancer has come back full force and they are almost 100% certain that there is nothing they can do for her. It has spread to her left lung, lymph nodes, esophagus, and trachea. She sees her oncologist on Wed for final decision on what type of treatment she can have and if not, what pain medication they will start her on. I feel so numb right now. It was hard enough losing my papa four years ago, but now my nanny. This cannot be happening. I am not ready to lose her. I will post more when I can type this without breaking down.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I talked to my grandmother today and she sounded so good. She admitted that there had been alot of crying and alot of emotions going on, but I told her that was ok, they needed to cry and needed to hold one another and they also needed to know that I am going to be their strength when they need it. I told her that I have been crying, but that I was not going to cry in front of her because I just could not bring myself to do so. They don't need to hear me crying, they need to hear me cheering her own as she begins another set of chemo or radiation.
I sent them all a email today,well actually, I sent one to each of them seperately because they needed to know how I felt about each and every one of them. It was my way of saying I loved them and that I truly admire them because if it had been me, I don't think I could have been so strong. She sees her oncologist on Wed and they will be discussing the best course of treatment then. Right now, they are leaning towards radiation since it will pinpoint the exact tumor she has. Chemo apparently was not effective with the first round like it should have been and because lung cancer is so aggressive, you usually only have a five year survival rate with it should it come back. Not to mention the fact that it has spread to her esophagus, which it is known to do on more than several occasions. Anyhow, I have been doing research to help prepare me for the worse so I can deal with it better should treatment fail. She is 67yrs old and way to young to go. But I have accepted that if God is ready to call her home, there is nothing that I can do to change that.
Anyhow, I just needed to ramble about that for a moment. Back to cleaning because we have apartment inspections on Wed and my apartment needs to be clean and spotless and without error so I can continue to get reduced rent. More later.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I am dumbfounded. They think that the cancer nanny has might actually be an infection instead!! Were our prayers answered? Could it be that she never had the cancer come back at all, that the scan was just a fluke?? I am praying and praying and praying that this news is exactly what needed to be heard and that it is not cancer, but a bad infection that can be cured with antibiotics instead of chemo or radiation. I had to find out from my sister because no one would call me to tell me themselves.
Calling my dad right now to find out for sure.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I often wonder what it is like to actually trust someone so completely that no doubt, no inch of doubt lies in what they are telling you, showing you or asking you. I often wonder what it is like to come home to someone you have spent so much of your life with and never have to have a negative thought in your brain as to if they truly love you or not.
I am so lost right now. My stomach is gurgling and I need to vent this out before my husband calls me to come pick him up from work.
I found a number in my husband's cell phone that I had never seen before, from the amarillo area. I asked him about it, he played it off as his best friends new number and when I asked when his best friend changed his number, he came back with the number was actually his best friends wifes number and I asked him why his best friend was calling from his wifes cell phone when he had his own number, his reply was I don't know.
I also searched under his IM message history, apparently he has conducted a SMS chat once through his phone, but all I got on the message history was HEY, it would not allow me to open it any further.
His old yahoo account and his AIM account are still active, but I cannot remember the passwords to either account.
What do I do? Do I freak out and tell my stomach to stop gurgling and try to play it off as nothing or do I need to ? him about this.
This would be strike three on him. I have told him I would leave him if he ever screwed up again. The first lady from online, he met, in person, while we were still living in Amarillo, but they met at her work and the moment they met, he knew it was wrong. The second one, they carried a online relationship for three weeks, only talking online and by phone. But there was sexual conitation involved. So yes, that is considered cheating in my books.
He has made some comments about other women lately and I have taken extreme offense too. I am his wife, the one who took sacred vows with him, Under God, to live the rest of my life with this man. I have carried and bore three children with him. I have dropped my life from Amarillo to have a new start with him, in hopes that I could trust him, in hopes that our marriage would finally work. And finally, I was able to start trusting him again. Until now. He is hiding something. I want to know what it is.
Tonya and I have a chat time set up for tonight. I need my best friend. I need some advice and she has been through all of this with me. So she knows what I am going through and the one thing we both agreed on was that I have never been wrong, ever, where this is concerned.
If all hell breaks loose tonight, then please wish me well. But I have to know how true my feelings are. I have to know if my husband really loves me or if this marriage is all a lie. Something is just not sitting right and I am almost afraid to find out what it is. God Help Me!!!

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88
ROCK BOTTOM:

I found out tonight that my husband of six years has been having a affair for over a year. With a lady that sat with our kids a couple of times, whom he met when he was a Sergeant of Corrections at the hospital. I thought the first time they had met was when I met her. NOPE. They had already been sleeping together by then.
When I asked why he did it, he claimed that it was something he could have control over, because he felt like he was losing control. WHATEVER!
He brought her to our bed when I was in Graham looking for a job.
Our kids were there when he did it.
F*ck him and his excuses. I have devoted six years of life to this man. I helped give him three beautful wonderful children and now I feel like I have been living in a lie. When does it end? How can I start over? What do I do now? He told me tonight that he loves me, that I am the most precious gift other than the children in his life. WHATEVER! If I was, then he would not have sacrificed our marriage, our wedding vows, our children, our home for a one year fling with nothing but empty promises.
God help me, I want to trample him right now. I am so embarrassed, so mortified that he has done this. How do I cope with this? I need to go. I have some up all night head sorting to do. How much is our marriage worth to him? He asked me what he could do to make this right. I can't answer that for him, he will have to figure it out on his own. I just hope it is not too late. I just want him to be my husband. Be the man I thought I married and love me and only me and sleep with me and only me and don't bring another woman into our marriage, our lives and the lives of our children. That is all I ask.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I finally went to sleep around 5a this morning and I am now up for my final hiring process for Cingular.
I just want to crawl underneath a rock and not emerge for another couple of years.
He kept apologizing to me last night. I told him I don't want to hear it from him, I want him to show me he is sorry. Whatever that means! I just can't take his words right now, I cannot take the sight or smell of him. I will not allow him to touch me.
I slept on the couch. I cannot be in the same bed with him right now, even if our Baby Q is right between us.
I feel so empty. I took off my wedding rings. I don't feel married any more, just betrayed. As far as I am concerned, it is over. I just can't live like this anymore, in this constant mind game, in this constant lie.
Need to go get ready for the day. I hope I can make it through the day without completely breaking down. I hope I can move past the larger pic to get past this morning's final hiring process. I am so tired right now. This really is bottom. I never thought I would be in this boat. How do I stop loving someone who took my heart and soul from me? Time to get ready!

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I thought a shower would help me to clear my head. I think I look worse now then I did before I took my shower. Hopefully makeup will cover up all the dark circles under my eyes. Hopefully I can look at the HR manager and try to be as upbeat as I can.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I am awaiting a phone call from a marriage counselor, his suggestion. He wants us to go together and for once I agree with him. I need to hear what he has to say and he needs to hear what I have to say. I want this to be over, but I know we have an incredibly long road ahead of us.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

We are scheduled for an 11a appt with the marriage counselor on Mon. We will see. We are talking. At least things are coming out.
We called Amber up on the phone together, we put her on speakerphone. She deserved to know his true intentions and she got to hear them first hand and I got to hear how far she fell for him and all his deceit. I told her that I sincerely hoped she was able to pick up and move on from this. I sincerely hope she is able to find happiness and her happiness is not with my husband or my children. She has her whole life to live and for her to think that he would actually leave me for her was upsetting. Not only was she played, but so was I.
He has no access to her, ever again. I do however have access to her, when I want too as does she to me. We share one thing right now, we both love my husband. How do you gain closure from that if you can't talk about it and help each other find a way past it?
I need to lay down. I am exhausted.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I slept last night, all night long I slept. Restfully. Thank you God for giving me the strength to move past my own overun mind to sleep.
Tonya is coming over today to spend the day with me while he works. I need to be with her and I need not be alone today, kids and all. I need their cheerfulness and happiness and talkiveness, everything they have to offer, I need today.
The wind is blowing and with the sound of the wind comes the realization that I might actually be able to allow it to blow over and begin fresh with him. I have prayed and prayed and prayed about this, asking if it was the right thing for me to stay or to leave. God has planted my feet right here. It is like the moment I have the notion to leave him, he says no, you can't, now is not the time. Does he have bigger plans for our marriage or am I just doomed to spend the rest of my life with someone who knows how to cheat and deceive and actually play someone? I never thought he had it in him. I thought he was capable of long term love.
I will continue to sleep seperately from him, I will not kiss him or hold him for him to have reassurance from me because I cannot reassure him. He does not deserve that from me. But I do need reassurance from him and he has alot of mending to do and alot to prove to me. Right now, I still love him and I am still in love with him, but my emotional connection and respect for him is gone. That bucket is empty and I am not so sure it can ever be filled again.

What I need right now is not other people's anger, but their understanding. I don't want to hear them bashing him or hating him, but maybe just trying to possibly understand him and that his dark reality really does exist. My husband for his fault in this is still a good and decent father and there has never been a time with him that I have had to worry about him ever physically hurting me or ever degrading me in such a way that I was totally beaten down. While infidelity is the ultimate sin to commit in a relationship, I have been give the opportunity to forgive him. I try to remember that By Jesus' stripes, I can be healed. He took on the weight of the world when he died for us and through him and his sacrifice I will be able to live and love again. In the world of Dory, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. But in the world of prayer, Just keep praying, just keep praying. That is the only thing offering me comfort right now.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I keep asking myself how does someone move past infidelity or deceit and learn to love and trust someone again? I have no idea what the first step in this is or if we have even taken the first step. What do I have to sacrifice to pick up and begin again? Not sure I will ever have an answer to that. I do hope that by prayer and faith that I can begin to heal and try to put this behind me. I have read that in approximately 75% of all relationships, one person has been unfaithful at least once. In 50% of those 75% of relationships, it ends in divorce. So how can the one person who suffered the consequences move on and try to rebuild what is left of the relationship? How can my marrige be in the remaining percentage that does not fail, but heals and is actually better than it was ever before? I hope I am able to come across the answer sooner than later. I don't want him to wake up and it be too late to save our marriage. I am doing my part, now he needs to do his. Only time will tell, but he will not have the rest of my life to prove it, because I cannot sacrifice the rest of my life for him to prove it. He just needs to step up to the plate, prove it now and hope that whatever he is doing is enough to keep me here. If it is not, then I will have a place to go to help me find myself again and help me restructure my shattered heart again. That is HOME, with my family. Until that decison is made, may God help him as he tries to find a way to make this up to me, if anything of the such exists.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I made him a Infidelity Folder. The front part of the folder says My Infidelity Folder.
From A Loving Trusting Wife to her Cheating Lying Husband.
In one pocket it has the letter I wrote him about how all this has made me feel. In the other pocket, it has four scrapbook pages I made for him. The first scrapbook page has this girl's senior pictures on it along with another picture of her sticking her tongue out. I will not say what I wrote under neath each picture, but I am sure you get the point. The second scrapbook page is filled with more pictures of her along with more imaginative captive slandering remarks. The third scrapbook page is pictures of our wedding day, of our children and filled with more captive slandering remarks. The forth page is filled with recent pictures of us together along with the caption, BROKEN HEARTED, CHEATER, TRUSTING WIFE...well you get the picture there too. I might actually scan those pages for my journal, once I am not so angry I can't look at the folder.

He is to look at the folder and read the letter each night before he goes to bed and each morning before he begins his day. And he has. Each day he tells me that he is glad I have stayed another day and that he prays I will be here when he comes home at night. If I am not here, he will still continue to work on his problems and prove to me how much he really does love me.

Our first marriage counseling session is tomorrow.

Today is better than yesterday and I can only hope tomorrow is better than today. At least I am sleeping dreamless sleeps at night. So I feel a bit better exhaustion wise.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I made him a Infidelity Folder. The front part of the folder says My Infidelity Folder.
From A Loving Trusting Wife to her Cheating Lying Husband.
In one pocket it has the letter I wrote him about how all this has made me feel. In the other pocket, it has four scrapbook pages I made for him. The first scrapbook page has this girl's senior pictures on it along with another picture of her sticking her tongue out. I will not say what I wrote under neath each picture, but I am sure you get the point. The second scrapbook page is filled with more pictures of her along with more imaginative captive slandering remarks. The third scrapbook page is pictures of our wedding day, of our children and filled with more captive slandering remarks. The forth page is filled with recent pictures of us together along with the caption, BROKEN HEARTED, CHEATER, TRUSTING WIFE...well you get the picture there too. I might actually scan those pages for my journal, once I am not so angry I can't look at the folder.

He is to look at the folder and read the letter each night before he goes to bed and each morning before he begins his day. And he has. Each day he tells me that he is glad I have stayed another day and that he prays I will be here when he comes home at night. If I am not here, he will still continue to work on his problems and prove to me how much he really does love me.

Our first marriage counseling session is tomorrow.

Today is better than yesterday and I can only hope tomorrow is better than today. At least I am sleeping dreamless sleeps at night. So I feel a bit better exhaustion wise.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Today I actually feel numb again. I think it is because I am nervous about going to the marriage counseling session or maybe it is because we are about to air out dirty laundry for all to hear. I don't know. I thought a shower and some breakfast would help me. But I am so worn out. Emotionally drained. I woke up this morning after sleeping nearly ten hours and I still wanted to sleep. It took everything I had to crawl off the couch and climb into the shower. This does not feel normal. Not at all. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I don't think I even felt like this when I caught him online. But this is different. This occured in real life, not online. There was actually physical sex involved this time, not just phone sex. Yes, I have to say he has an addiction. The very question that someone from this board asked me is the same one I asked him only yesterday. I only hope he can get some help.

peach74's picture
Joined: 05/30/05
Posts: 61
I apologize

OOPS! I meant to PM THIS. SO SORRY.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

Again I tell myself that today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.
I kissed him last night. I was able to kiss him and not see her face. I think our first counseling session along with the book I am now reading, along with talking to MOM about this issue has helped me get some things into perspective. I know alot of my anger is gone now mainly because I threw so much of it into that folder this weekend. Though the folder is classified as a unhealthy form of punishment and abuse, I have kept it. Not to throw it into his face, but to see what I am truly capable of doing, as far as hurt wise. I will burn it along with our journal's once things start to calm down some and we know we are able to start moving past all of this.
My emotions are so raw right now and I feel like I am snapping and overstepping my boundaries alot more now. I just don't have the patience or willingness to go forth with my normal emotions right now and even the sound of the kids playing loudly and Quinlan's screams are hurting my very core. I hate hurting and I hate what this hurt has done to me. I feel numb all of the time, even when Eric attempts to hug me or touch my hand, I feel numb. I know that will pass soon, but right now, the numbness is the only way I feel that keeps me in "safe" and "secure" mode. If it were not for the numbness, I would not be able to face each day.
I love him though. I hate him for what he has done, but I still love him. My love for him is what is keeping me here. It is not for the kid's sake, but for our marriage sake. I truly feel like he is capable of changing and after seeing Isaiah and Carol Reed's testimony last night, I realized that he can change and will change when he starts allowing God to work in his life. I pray daily for healing for him first and foremost, because though his healing and his change, I will be able to heal.
Must go, I cannot bear to be online right now. Through my hurt, I am lashing out at others, especially those who do not deserve it.
More later.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

I need a nap. Maybe once Keegan gets out of school, I can nap. I have been online for over two hours now, trying to get some reassurance that I am not the only one battling this. I just need that reassurance that I can move past this, that our marriage can be strong, stronger than it ever has been.

ksquin06's picture
Joined: 05/09/02
Posts: 88

UGH...I just want to smack him right now. Not one phone call to check in with me, not one phone call to let me know how his day is going, not one phone call to just say he loves me. Friggin A$$hole. HE KNOWS I need this reassurance right now, not to guess if he is going to pull this $hit. Time to pick his A$$ up from work and he better grovel or better yet, he better let me know why he promised to call me and check in with me when he was not going to do it. ARGH!! I hate that I miss him, I hate that I still miss him, even while I am hurting. Will this ever pass???????? It is not like he is gone from my life, but I still miss him terribly while he is gone and more so because at this stage in our marriage, I don't like him being away from me anymore than a couple of minutes. It is like I need to watch him all the time.

Pages