Today is better. He apologized to me for not calling yesterday. He said that the area he was in had access to one pay phone and because he was all over the place, it made it hard to contact me and he realizes that he should have at least checked in once yesterday so my mind would not begin wandering.
He took me back to my place "couch" last night and tucked me in again and I allowed him to kiss me good night and it felt good to have his lips on mine again. We joke that this is his way of "courting" me and because we are not sharing a bed right now, it almost feels like we are "dating" instead of married, but you know, he needs to "date" me again and "court" me and show me how much he wants a life with me. I told him that when we decide to renew our vows, that I want him to ask me to marry him properly, on a romantic date, with no one around this time (he asked me on one knee in front of my dad) and he better have a ring this time (my grandmother passed her first wedding set from my grandfather to us when we got married six years ago).
I want him to take me to his place "our bedroom" tonight, not so much for sex, but so I can lay in his arms and feel his heart beat against my ears. I miss his closeness and I miss his rhythmic snoring, which is usually music to my ears.
I know everyone has to be laughing when I call the "couch" my place and the "bedroom" his place, but it is role play for us. It is our way of becoming comfortable with each other again, but in the same house. I can't wait to tell the marriage counselor about this. LOL
He will be off work in about an hour and a half. I want to shower and doll myself up for him. I want him to look at me and see the person he married six years ago. I want him to see what he will be missing if he ever strays again. I want him to look at me and not see me for my hair or makeup, but for the person I am on the inside. If he treats me right tonight, I might let him "in" further tonight.
I call this my first step in the healing process, learning to allow him to touch me without seeing them together. She has not called again, so maybe she got the point and maybe, just maybe, we can start fresh. I love him. I don't think I journaled that today. I love him. I honestly love him. (No, not quoting Jerry Macquire) He still makes my blood boil but my insides melt at the same time. Anger is my first defense right now, but love is the ultimate winner.
I wrote to the Dr. Phil show today! It was to the scheduled show "Do you think your husband needs relationship bootcamp?" My response, HELL YEH he needs Relationship Bootcamp. He needs a swift kick in the derrier to make him realize that he cannot keep doing this to me and more than that, he needs a smack upside his head so he will realize he cannot keep doing this to our children.
I am so ready to start work and I am so ready for him to be a SAHD. I only hope that he does not get into trouble while I am at work.
I printed off a slew of information from the Dr. Phil website, including some quizzes and infidelity advice. I am going to make a "must do" journal for each of us. He says he is serious about wanting to change, this will prove if he is or not.
Today has been a decent day. Other than the disturbing dream Tonya told me about this morning, it has been a good day. Laundry is almost done, popcorn chicken is in the oven for dinner and Quinlan is content in his pack n play with his farm play toy keeping him smiling. So other than the sound of the door opening and shutting from the kids running in and out, I am actually pretty relaxed. YAY for that.
My sister of the heart just called me and told me some really bad news and I was not ready to hear it. She told me she just ended her relationship of two years with a man she absolutely adores because of some baggage happening in her life that she does not feel he should have to deal with.
I am tired of her having to sacrifice her happiness every time something good comes along. It sickens me and saddens me to see her taking on some many burdens at such a young age. It is not fair. I will update more when the kids are not in here with me looking over my shoulder.
Ugh, I am beginning to think that my problem is too big to handle other people's problems.
I have Tonya on one end acusing her mom of overdosing on medication and when I talk to MOM about it, she tells me it is her MS.
I also have Tonya wanting everything to be over, her relationship with Cody, her illnesses, her life. She is tired of living and living through all the cards dealt her. MOM is tired from hurting and trying her hardest to be strong enough to care for Richard and Tonya.
I am in the middle and it sucks. BAD! I called 911 on the pager so I could talk to Eric about all of this. He finally called me back after an hour. I am so incredibly worried about the both of them right now. I need his shoulder to cry on right now. This situation alone is enough to send anyone to the looney bin. I cannot deal with worry about them, my marriage and my new job all at the same time. When will I have time to deal with me?
I am numb. I need to go do something to shake this feeling.
Hi again journal and those of you following my story!!
We have had some major blowouts this week, mainly with him being at work all day long, I have WAAAAYYY to much time to think about how he has treated me, how much I hate him for deceiving me and of course, the infamous pictures in my mind of them together. I am justified in how I feel he tells me and I am justified in blowing up at hime, but he seems to think I am not justified in not recognizing that he also has feelings and some of the things I told him the other night were just not acceptable. Well hello, I don't feel he is worthy right now and I told him so and of course, he stood back in his corner with his stinger out(He is a Scorpio, so we use that phrase loosely around our house) and when I tried to apologize, he shrugged away from me. Technically, I should not have to apologize for how I am feeling, but I do need to use my anger in a more positive reconstructing way instead of lashing out at him every single day.
Last night, he was incredibly late coming in, tried to call me to tell me that he was on his way back from his route and apparently our cell phone shorted out(kiddos were caught tearing it apart when we were on vacation in Amarillo a month ago) and therefore he could not call me until the next available pay phone, thirty minutes out from the depot. So when he finally calls me, I lay into him before asking him why he was not more responsible in answering my pages. That is when I learned about the cell phone. When he finally got close to midnight last night, I was too tired to focus on my anger, I just wanted sleep. The only thing I remember him telling me was my "culinary" skills on that night's spaghetti dinner were awesome and that he loved me.
I awoke this morning to the sound of the shower and so I laid there on the couch quietly, trying to focus. I closed my eyes and then felt his lips on my cheek and heard him say Good Morning My Love. I open my eyes and see his smile and I melted. Yes, I allowed myself to melt. So he tells me to go back to sleep for a bit longer, he is going to feed our baby and then finish up what he was working on for me. I told him that we needed milk, so I needed to get up and go get it. So while I was out, he finished up what he was working on for me and set it out for me to talk into when I got back.
He made me love letters and forgiveness notes and stratigically placed them all around the house. When I saw them, he told me that they were numbered, so when I found all of them, I needed to read them in order. He also told me he wanted me to wait to read them until he went to work.
So I read them and my heart is in limbo right now. This is the man I married. This is the man I married. This is the man I married. I repeat this because I am in awe that he would do this for me. THIS IS THE MAN I MARRIED almost six years ago and while he gets me cards and the occasional small gift, he sure as heck does not leave love notes laying around the house. I was touched. I was honored. For the first time since everything started happening, I finally felt like he was serious about changing. But trust me, My heart is still in Limbo
UGH..if this is not enough to deal with, here is another thing to worry about.
A letter to a nosey neighbor:
Dear Mr. White,
This is a letter to inform you that we do not appreciate your nosieness and false claims to the local police department regarding the care of our children. Our children are well cared for, I know where they are at all times and you have no right or business asking them questions about our family or family affairs. I have instructed my children to come to me the next time you approach them and that they are not to have anything to do with you or your wife. You have been making people in this neighbor very uncomfortable and very insecure with your "watchful" eyes and the way you tend to stand on your front porch while the children are down at the swings playing. I am asking as a neighbor, that you leave my children and the other children in this neighborhood alone. I am asking as your neighbor that you stay out of other people's business. Whether or not my door is closed has nothing to do with you and for further reference, before you make a claim against my husband and I, you need to make sure you have valid reasoning to do so.
The only reason I know it is you is because of the statement you made to another child about calling the police on them if they continued to misbehave and you are the only one that stands on your front porch, looking for something to talk about or complain about. Everyone else around here minds their own business and we do so with neighborly courtesy and expect the very same from you.
If a false claim happens again, We will be calling the police ourselves about this situation and we will also be contacting our lawyer to file formal harrassement charges. Please think about that before you start crying wolf.
Eric and Carie Burton
I wonder if that tells him to kiss my arse very nicely and simply. I hope he gets the point.
Nosey Neighbor situation seems to have resolved itself, for now. Looked across the street and his door and curtains were closed which is so unusual for him. Hubby is on standby and since he has been home, this guy has not pulled any crap. Hopefully he will mind his own business.
Work is great. I am so tired today or I would write more. Will update tomorrow after we get home from our outing with some friends.
I am sitting here, alone in our apartment, the kids are at daycare, he is at work and I HATE BEING ALONE. All I do is dwell on the "issue" and right now, I just can't deal. I changed my doctor appt with my gyno today(was going in to be tested for you know what that everyone who has been through an affair dreads) because I just cannot face a friend of mine that lives in that town and works right across the street. I also cannot face a friend of mine from that same office who just a moment told me that she has been thinking about me and really hopes I am ok and to please come in sooner if I need to. I told her I would. Right now, I just can't face that testing or the concerning eyes of my doctor. So on a note, I HATE BEING ALONE, it only hits me when I am alone. When I am at work, I am fine. When I am with him or the kids, I am fine. Other than that, I hate being here, at this apartment, with this fresh new start, with a feeling that I am building on crumbling ground. Does anyone understand my logic in this thinking? I am about to rush out the door, to do laundry, to find a new daycare for our kids, to just be out and about by myself, away from whatever it is that brings me down here. Maybe it is our family pictures, the smiling faces, memories of happier times and maybe it is the smell of him, fresh from his shower each morning that makes me sick, because she smelled him too. Maybe it is the sight of his clothes, oh just don't let me get started on that, please. I am typing helpless because that I what I am feeling right now, helpless. I don't feel like myself, I am bitter, torn, angry, spiteful, vindictive, hurtful, shamed, prideful, all the things that I have never been before. I get offended at the easiest things now. So not like me. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now.
Eric and I are doing it one step at a time, one day at a time. I opted to seperate myself physically from him, no sex, I am going on my third week of seeing a counselor and so forth. I love Eric but have been honest with him that I am not in love with him and I am working on trying to get that back because I don't want our marriage to fail. But first start is admitting that we have some serious issues to deal with. Starting with Keegan. We had to put up door and window locks because he has been sneaking out of the apartment during naptime or bedtime and going across the street and hanging out with kids who are not very good. He is only six. The doctors stated even with his ADHD/Hyperagression that he should not be doing things like this. They are finally so concerned that they are going to be running a EEG on him Friday and possibly an MRI and CT Scan in the near future. Another concerning thing is the fact that his eye sight has changed from 20/20 to have no far sight whatsoever, or at least he tells his teacher that he cannot see things far off. It has been 2 years since we had his eyes checked, so that is concerning us. Eric is also in counseling and we see a group therapist every Wed at 4:15 for family counseling. We have ALOT going on and ALOT on our plates and it is just concerning enough that I just want to scream out loud and run away.
Keegan is in the hospital. I am heartbroken after listening to his tonight. He was hysterical and crying and said he did not care what he was there for because he wants us and misses us. He said they took blood from him, was not fair to him and I asked if they were nice to him and he said yes, they are nice. But that he is mad that we left him. I broken down tonight, going to go break down some more.
All things considered the freakin hospital cancelled Keegan's EEG.....AGAIN!!! They kept him up practically all night long but made the critical mistake in feeding him breakfast this morning so we were unable to sedate if needed and his doctor has strictly wrote the orders for NPO after midnight and light sedation if needed. He also hase to be fully sleep deprived to really see what is going on with his brain. I was FURIOUS when I left the hospital, but it was because of my concern for my son and even longer stay time in the hospital, where he needs to be, but I miss him. I want him home, in my loving arms when he needs me and this has been a life changing experience. I have always thought I was a decent mom and I even feel guilty for placing him there but now I don't know what to think anymore. I really don't. I know this is not my fault, but I still blame myself. My blood pressure medicine is taking effect, I can tell because I am so wiped out right now. I am about to go to bed because I have to work at 8 in the morning. I will update more when I have a more level head.
Keegan comes home today! We are picking him up in 30 minutes. We have mixed feelings because we don't feel like he is ALL BETTER and his mood swings have been really severe the last week but they seem to think he is ready to come home. I want him home, I miss him, but I am terrified. I am terrified that the vindictiveness and sneaking out and mood swings are only going to get worse again. We still don't have the results from his EEG so we don't have any idea what is really wrong with Keegan. Medicine is only short term therapy, family counseling and such is long term. We have not talked to his doctor since we took him in last week. We don't know his findings or what he really thinks. This is a mixed bag and we seem to only come up with broken pieces. I honestly don't know what to think right now and I am allowing myself to stress when I really can't stress right now. Eric and I both think we got the raw end of the deal for Keegan and that this was probably the biggest mistake we have ever made with him. Are they kidding us? Do they honestly think he is all better and 100% just because they upped his medicines?
More later after we talk to his counselor.
Where to start. I am sitting here in the quiet of my bedroom. My husband is asleep on the bed. The kids are still asleep. They have been napping for over two hours now. I think they are honestly really wiped, all of them. I got about an hour nap today. I woke up in my own drool(ick, I know) and realized how nice it was to just relax for a moment. We have been on the go so much in the last couple of months that it finally feels really good to just slow down for a while.
I out of training class incredibly early last night. They decided to let us leave after our final assessment and we will be starting final evaluations on Monday. Monday is strictly evaluation day and Tuesday we are on the phones from there. After that, come Wendesday, we are on our own. I can't wait and I have already been attempting to help Eric troubleshoot his calls when he is in limbo.
Ashley Maja, our cat, is going to a new home today. She is outta here. We are tired of her vindictive, hateful behavior and we are tired of her attempting to use the kid's rooms as a litter box because she is mad at them. She has a prestine clean kitty box and it is in a great location for her, but she still manages to bypass it even though she is completely litter box trained.
We are about to head out the door to a costume party in Seymour. The kids are incredibly excited and we cannot wait either. I think they will really enjoy it. We are possibly looking into moving down there soon, rent is cheap and the location is decent. We shall see.
Have to run, time to get ready to go. I promise to update more later. I have lots to say about Eric and I.
Our cat is at her new home and you know, I miss her, alot. I had the "phantom" experience last night. About midnight, I wanted a cup of ice water, so I walk into the living room. For just a moment, I expected her to jump down from her place in the window sill and meow at me. When I walked back to our bedroom, I imagined her coming out ahead of me and tripping me as I walked in the door. She was great at that. I know she will adapt to her new home and I know we will get to see her the next time we go to visit, but it is still hard. Keegan was depressed yesterday. He went up to Eric and told him that he wants his kitty back. We explained why she cannot come home and he started to cry. She was great for him and we promised him that when we move into a house, he will get a new pet, possibly a dog. He seemed relieved with that.
Going to go now. I am wiped and need to rest before class. More later.