wanting but waiting....

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
wanting but waiting....

Well I figured I would start a journal to try to sort out some of my emotions...

Let me start from the begining...
We started ttc a few months ago, I got pregnant in Aug 06 and pretty much as soon as I found out I started AF - Chemical pregnancy is what the dr's said. I was so very sad but reasured by hubby that we would try again. So I waiting until around O time, told hubby to "gear up" and he dropped a bomb on me. "How about we wait" My jaw dropped. "Why wait???!!!" I said....hea said money, blah blah blah blah is pretty much what I heard. So after 2 days of stomping my feet like a little child I agreed that it wouldn't be smart to have another baby right now (oh I forgot to mention we have a 1 year old little boy Nathaniel)
So I realize that we should wait, that we should wait to have a house, more money, bigger car, ect I know it's the smart thing to do but yet my heart feels broken....I want another child, I want lots of children. I can't explain why....
I really thought Nate would be it for us, maybe one more. DH always wanted a big family I dissagreed but since having Nate I can't wait to have more!!! I loved being pregnant, I even loved labor! Bringing him home and careing for him was wonderful....I still love every bit of it (even the not so fun parts) This erge to be pregnant again is so strong inside of me, it's damn hard to ignore!
I bring it up to hubby every day. "Is it time yet?" "No hun, you know it's not time, we need more money sweet heart." "I love you but you need to wait"
I don't understand what changed in my husband....maybe the thought of having 2 on our salary was too much for him. He did explain that there is no way we could live like we do now with 2 children. We wouldn't be broke but there would be the extra money that we have. I don't care about that though. I begged, I told him I would learn to save....shop smarter....anything I could but he's not budging....stubbern man!

So that's what's going on in my head at the moment....sadness, wanting, waiting...

Stay tuned for more...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

we talked more tonight.

I told him how I felt, that I was sad. He didn't have anymore answers for me. Still not sure when we will ttc again....I cried.....he said he was very sorry and hated to see me sad and then walked away....

I know I'm being selfish....I know it's important to have more money, a bigger house, ect but I just can't make my heart understand.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

well we talked even more this past weekend.
I told him that I was sorry for making him feel bad and explained that I knew that this really wasn't a good time to have another child but I still couldn't make my heart stop wanting. I did tell him that I would leave the issue alone until after the holidays and we will talk about it more in the begining of the year. I'm actually ok with it too...probably because I'm so wrapped up in making this an awsome x-mas for Nate.
So I'm better....at least in this moment.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I can't seem to sleep that well anymore. It's like my mind won't let it self stop for a minute inorder to fall asleep. I'm worried about our future, DH getting his much deserved promotion, Nate, ect....it never ends!!!
Plus an friend experienced a horrible horrible loss, I couldn't stop thinking of her....I'm just so sad for her. I want to help but know there is nothing I can say or do. So so sad...

Of course I still can't stop thinking about babies!!! I went through Nate's closet to start putting some summer stuff away and just to see all the little clothes he use to wear. Of course he was in there with me throwing clothes everywhere...lol. He's grown up WAY too fast, maybe that's why I desire another one so badly. DH said next year....so next year it will be (hopefully) Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yuppers, I still have baby fever.
I asked DH last night....I was actually joking to him about it. It was a lighter conversation, he said in time....he pointed out how impaient I am...lol I guess I joke just so he doesn't forget Wink

Nate's doing fantasticly though, I'm so blessed to have a beautiful happy child...I hope I'm blessed again & again, and again...LOL I find it crazy that I want so many children...I swore I would only have one now I want a large family. Funny how having one child can change your mind. I am very lucky with Nate though, he was a great pregnancy, wonderful baby, and is growing into a fantastic toddler. I often wonder how he will react to a sibling. I'm sure he would do great as an older brother. Time will tell I guess....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I just went through Nate's baby pictures....why did I have to do that to myself??? Boy it seems like yesterday that he was born. I actually love looking at all of the pictures, he was so tiney and sweet! He still is sweet!!! I emailed one of the pictures to DH maybe that will spark something in him to want to do it again!! Doubt it but hey, can't hurt tryin!!
Were still waiting until Jan of 07 - not too far away! I just hope it's not a long road of ttc. I know that it can be. I was very lucky with Nate so lets hope I still have some of that luck left!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

what a fantastic weekend!!! Let me tell you I was actually kind of glad were not pg or trying right now becuase it takes ever bit of energy to keep up with Nate!! My little man didn't stop all weekend & we had a blast. Maybe DH was right in this decision to wait until next year. I mean not only will be be better off with our money situation but I really get to enjoy my time with Nate. Not that I wouldn't with another child but I am really enjoying all the alone time now with Nate.
So I'm doing very well!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

well Jan 07 isn't going to be a good time to ttc either....looks like my office is going to be moving to another state. Soooo this means no ttc until I get a new job and am settled. Now here's my delima, I should really ride it out until my office shuts down becuase I could get up to 3 months severence orrr since I want another baby I could start looking for a new job. I'm probably going to wait until Jan to even start looking & since I have time I want to really see what's out there before I jump into a new job. I really hope that hubby's company takes off & I don't have to go b back to work!!! Ok I'm all over the place here...ugh this is just so frustrating...
I'm really glad DH decided it was a good idea to wait cause if I got pg and lost my job that would be bad....really bad cause we would have no benefits. I guess things do happen for a reason.
Soooooo looks like we'll be waiting even longer now....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm really bummed, it seems that our office is going to be closing a lot sooner then I was "told" I have been kinda under the impression that we had until June of 07 but it seems that were might not be here in 07 at all or at the most we will be transition our office to another location starting in the begining of the year. I'm not bummed that I have to get a new job I'm bummed becuase I have a lot of really great work relationships with the people I work with, something I probably won't find in another large office like this. I'm also very bummed for the hard working single moms that are going to have a tough time finding new jobs. I know that the market will be flooded in this area but that doesn't pose a problem for me, I will probably go back to working in the city but I know it will be a problem for them. This just sucks, you work for a large company and they make changes like this that really effect the little guy and they couldn't care less. All becuase our new "boss" has a home in this new location. It's more convient for him to move this office to that location. just sucks!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

ugh I have a sick feeling in my stomach - we have unexpected guests in our office today, I'm assuming to accounce the closing of our location. I hope I'm wrong.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Whew, not closing just yet.....I'd really like them to keep us open until June of 07 because by that time I probably won't have to work fulltime anymore.
They were just here to learn more about what we are doing here, pretty much to see how easily it will be to transition to the new location.

On the TTC front were still waiting until next year. I did ask him again the other day just to make sure he doesn't forget. He rolled his eyes at me. Pretty typical of my DH....well he wasn't too darling at that point.
For now I'm vicarusly(I know I spelled that wrong, I'm too lazy to do a spell check) through my BB's ladies who are preggo!!! Biggrin

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

My cycles are getting whackier & I'm having the worst O pains, I think I have cycts. I'm going to make an appt to see my GYN next week.

This week has been rough, Nate got pink eye, I'm getting sick and DH has been working until 9-10 everynight. Its weeks like this that make me think that having another child is crazy!!! I'm really glad were waiting until Jan to think about ttc again.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Well I'm not longer wanting but waiting, I'm wanting & now trying!!! DH got a huge promotion & said to me last night lets have more kids!!!
So after my long ass cycle decides to come to an end we will be trying again!!! WOOHOOOO!!!
Of course now that he wants too I wasn't too sure at first but after talking to him about everything I'm excited to be trying again.