I'm starting a new journal... It'll mainly be about our family, what we're upto, my inane ravings about how everyone annoys the Hell out of me!!! LMAO :P
Anyway, I would do an introduction post but I just don't feel like it. And seeing as this journal is for me then I know all about us anyway!!!! Mwahahahaha
So, just to start and so I don't forget... Lacey-Rose was born on the 17th of August. I was most miffed as my birthday is the 18th and I'd predicted all through my pregnancy that I would go into labour on the 17th and give birth in the early hours of the 18th... Well, instead I went into labour in the early hours of the 17th and gave birth that morning. Damn - how couldI have been so wrong?!!!!! LOL
Her cord came away at 4 days old.
Lacey-Rose had her check-up with the GP at 7 days old, on Friday the 24th... We saw my Dad that weekend, my MIL on Bank Holiday Monday and the Health visitor on 29th.
Breastfeeding is nigh on killing me right now... I spend every feed wishing I would just give in and give her a bottle and be happy, but I won't cos I said I'd make 6 months this time and I intend to if it kills me. Which at this rate it probably will!
The boys adore Lacey-Rose... Only problem is they adore her so much they're now bugging me for another little sister... Cos "you can't have just one girl". I think though that I'm the opposite of my Gran... She had four girls, a boy, then two more girls.... I think if I had anymore children they'd be boys as I've had four boys, then a girl... I draw the line at two more children though. No way!!!! I'm happy to have one more, but not two!!! Infact we've been talking about when to have baby #6 already but we can't decide. I dislike being pregnant as I have so many health problems so I'd quite like a long gap now... But then it seems a shame cos so far my children have been born in the following years... 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2007.... See the pattern here?!!!!!! LOL I have decided I'm going to have an October baby next though!!!! And I don't care what we have next time, although the boys would like another sister.
It's mine and Martin's 7th Anniversary today... We aren't doing anything. Haven't even exchanged cards or anything! We're going to our friend, Simon's wedding reception later tonight so that will be fun. Unfortunately things didn't go as planned for us (they never do these days) and the cute outfits I wanted all of us to wear didn't happen because Martin "lost" £300. Well, he didn't loose it as such, he put it in his account and the car finance company stole it so we're penniless again. I say they stole it because Martin gave them his card details to make last months payments and without his permission they kept the details and just took the money out of his account again this month without informing or asking us at all. I'm pretty sure they aren't allowed to do that.....
Anyway... I need to go give my kids a bath. Oh wait, Martin's just said he'll do it. Oh but Piglett has just woken up an is demanding a feed. Joy!!!!
Urgh, Lacey-Rose and I ended up at the Drop-In Centre at the hospital early hours of this morning... Having spent until midnight last night trudging around MK trying to find a midnight pharmacy. We've both got thrush. She's got it in her mouth quite badly, and I've got it on my nipples really badly. Every feed is a nightmare right now.
They gave me some drops to go in her mouth and some cream for myself, I just hope it kicks in soon and we both feel better as she's gone off her feeds since last night. She slept from midnight until close to 9am without a feed and then when I got so worried I woke her up she barely ate anything at all. At that point we went down the drop-in centre and sat around waiting for over an hour before I got so desperate because she hadn't eaten anything that I went to the receptionist and told her my 2 week old baby had barely had anything to eat, and I was going to try waking her again and feeding her but I doubted it'd work and I was worried about her getting dehydrated. By the time I'd finished ranting I was in tears. At that point the receptionist said she'd find a private room for me to feed in and went and asked someone who basically said she'd see me straight away. GAH! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF SAYING ALL THAT BEFORE I'D BEEN SAT THERE FOR OVER AN HOUR????!!!!!!
Anyway, turned out this lady was a nurse midwife and she basically checked my breasts and confirmed it was thrush, took a small peek in Lacey-Rose's mouth and said "yep! That's thrush alright!", told me I had to spend the next few days in bed and if possible offload the kids and pretend she was my only child (HAH!) and just spend the next few days feeding Piglett and eating and drinking as both of us appear dehydrated... Shortly after talking about my stress levels, depression, baby blues and when my health visitor is going to do that blinkin' useless Edinburgh Test to see if I am depressed we discovered she couldn't actually prescribe the medication we both needed. So she made us both appointments with MKDOC and we went back out to the waiting room and almost as soon as we sat down we were called in, much to the annoyance of all the people who had seen my Q-hop twice by now! Anyway, it turned out the woman who saw me at MKDOC IS my health visitor that I saw only a few days ago!!!!!! LOL She was lovely and spent awhile chatting to me and then gave me my prescriptions and I went off on a merry (!) way to get the medication! Unfortunately I forgot to mention I've also started bleeding quite heavily again and passing clots here and there. I'm not concerned about it but it is a bit annoying. I'll have to make sure I tell my midwife when I see her later this week as she told me to let her know these things because of the risk I'm at of an infection because we couldn't get all the membranes and stuff out after the birth. I should imagine if I was going to get an infection I'd have started getting it by now though.
It hurts so much right now though. I'm just really fed up. I spent my entire pregnancy miserable and in a lot of pain and one of the few things I thought would be OK and I could look forward too was breastfeeding, but I've been doing it 16 days now and it's been incredibly painful the whole time. I'm beginning to wonder why I am bothering.
I expressed 9fl oz earlier today as I really couldn't stand the thought of feeding her with the pain... But she really wasn't impressed with taking a bottle and she wasn't happy at all about it and seemed terribly upset and confused so in the end I gave up with it. That's now the third full bottle of expressed milk that's been thrown away so I doubt I'll bother expressing anymore as she just won't take it.
On a more positive note, Phil took the boys for the day today to give us a break!!!! Although it wasn't much of a break as Martin then invited his friend Steve over... But it was pleasant and I find talking to Steve is always interesting so I can't complain.
Martin is cooking me my favourite dinner tonight... I can't wait! I'm not hungry at all, as I seem to have completely lost my apetite since giving birth but I'm going to try my best to finish it all!
I'm feeling quite blue today... Don't really know why, haven't got a specific reason as such just lots of little things are bugging me a little bit, if that makes sense?
Breastfeeding is really hurting me. I don't like it, infact I think it's safe to say that right now I really hate breastfeeding and I resent Piglett everytime she latches on or cries for feeding. I wish I could afford formula right now, but I can't so I should stop thinking about it really.
Money is bugging me too. In that we have none. And I have no idea when anymore is coming in. And I've lost faith in Martin's business as a way of producing money for the family. For instance he's got a big job he's been waiting on for over a year now, it all seemed to kick off and we were due a big cheque but it's not coming anytime soon now (was supposed to have it back in June/July) because they've got another job on and that's it, all faith has gone... We've been counting on that money for so long now and it's a never ending disappointment. He has got other jobs but they're only small oes because he's been counting on this big one... He has also got some development stuff he could do but he can't because he needs money to do that so it's stuffed really.
So now I'm thinking about returning to work. I've been looking around at local jobs and just can't decide what to do. Everyone I know tells me I shouldn't go back to work and I should stay at home with my kids and "enjoy" being a lady of leisure... But I need the security of a regular income and I don't believe Martin's business will give that to us anymore so my only option is to go to work. Only problem is I can't decide what to do. I could return to NHSP and work as and when it suited me, for quite good money. But it's hard work and I'll have to be on my feet the whole of each shift with virtually no break and I don't know if my hips can handle that yet. I could do agency care work but then I can't pick and choose my own shifts, I have to basically do what they give me. Or I could do something else - maybe an office or IT job. I haven't worked in an office in years and I wouldn't want to go back to Admin work again as it'd mean phone work and I have a phobia of phones... But I could quite easily do IT. Or I could be a real pleb and go work on a checkout somewhere!!! OK money, but dead boring and I've never worked a till before.
Urgh. I don't know what to do. But I feel like I need to do something as life is a never ending disappointment at the moment. Even the boys are being affected by it now when they ask if we can do something that we always used to and we always have to tell them no, or when they ask if we can go out for a drive or to Granny's and we have to say no because we've got no petrol.... It's just depressing for all of us.
The boys are really playing up at the moment. They've spent the last 6 weeks bored out of their minds because we've done nothing and been nowhere so I can't really blame them. They've been asking for the last week if they can go back to school because it's better there apparently. And Lacey-Rose isn't feeding well at the moment and she's had barely any dirty or wet nappies... So it feels like life is a bit ****e right now.
You know, I'm sure I'll be slated for saying this and maybe it's just hormones, but I'm really disappointed in my pregnancy experience and also my post-birth experience and in some ways, with my baby. I mean my pregnancy was awful and stressful and I didn't get to do even a quarter of the stuff I wanted too. My birth was fabby, I loved every minute of it, but then I always love giving birth! Then post-birth breastfeeding has been horrible, I have nothing I can wear so I'm still stuck in my maternity clothes, I didn't get to do half the stuff we'd planned to do afterwards, my kids have played up and I feel really run down and fed up. And to top it all these feelings also seem to extend to Piglett as she's not what I expected in my baby. Firstly she's HUGE, I expected a cute little bundle of joy and instead I got a great big fat hulk of a baby. She's got dark hair, all my children have blond hair so why did my only daughter have to be so different? She sleeps a lot (kind of expected in a baby!) and when she's awake all she wants is to feed from me which hurts like Hell. Bringing us back to breastfeeding. Urgh. She just doesn't look like I expected my little Lacey-Rose would look. I wish I'd changed my mind straight away and called her Sheridan now... She looks like a Sheridan to me. I always imagined Lacey-Rose would be a petite, thin, blonde haired, blue eyed little Princess. And whilst I love Piglett I can't help but feel a bit disappointed.
Stupid I know. I wish I didn't feel like that but I do. I'm hoping it's just hormones or the frustration of constantly breastfeeding and the pain that I associate with it that's making me feel this way.
Anyway, we had a good day today. We went to my Mums and the boys played in her garden, ate her food (as always! :P ) and watched her TV!!!! LOL I got to sit down and do nothing and not be harrassed by kids, and Martin got to fiddle with her computer! Oh, and she leant me a few books to read too which I'm looking forward to starting on!
Martin has just gone up the Centre to buy the boys "indoor" school shoes. Their school is really hard on this - all children must have wellies for wet days, school shoes for outside, and school shoes for inside so they don't mess up the carpets etc. Drives me nuts especially considering the rate our boys go through shoes but ho-hum it's got to be that way! Lacey-Rose and Ashton are currently asleep and I'm just watching Simpsons! LOL Bliss!!!!
Infact, I think I may go and cheer myself up by having some strawberry cheesecake now!
I'm ill. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong but now it seems on top of the killer thrush I am now ill as I've been feeling really tired and run down today and my stomach is really sore and I can't stop going to the toilet... I have a feeling it's possibly a UTI coming on, should know by tomorrow at which point I'll probably go to the Dr. My head is also pounding and my chest feels really tight so I can barely breath and it really hurts.
I have given up on breastfeeding for now. I am expressing at the moment, not that I'm getting much. Every other time I expressed I got loads and most of it just got thrown away because she wouldn't take a bottle and then this one time when I really need a good supply, I can barely get 3fl oz between both boobs. And she's still not happy about taking a bottle but frankly I'm beyond caring anymore, she's lucky I have no money right now otherwise she'd be on formula not breastmilk.
Tristan, JJ and Raistlin went back to school today. Raisti is only on half days until next September I think but still it was still nice to be rid of him for a few hours today... Only problem was Ashton really didn't like the change and has been a horror all day - fighting, arguing, tantrums, you name it, he's done it. Thankfully it's bed time now...
Martin has been an arsehole for most of the day. He's got his eye on some new business venture, sounds crap to me especially as he was supposed to be working and has instead spent all day on this new venture which even he admits isn't a long-term thing and may not be that profitable. I don't understand people who work hard for little money... My motto was always to go for the most amount of money for the smallest amount of work. And as per normal, it was mine and the kids faults he didn't do any work apparently. Not the fact he's lazy and couldn't be arsed to do any REAL work.
Not a good day today. I see my midwife tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it to be honest because I don't want her to see that I'm having trouble holding things together, but I spent years putting on a happy mask and making people think I was alright so I'm sure it'll be OK.
My Mum is lovely. She read this and phoned my straight away and gave me a good talking too... I normally don't like people commenting on my journal but that's mainly because they normally only comment when I've said something I shouldn't have said about them - but she was very supportive which was lovely. She asked me whether I actually want to carry on breastfeeding. Of course, I said I didn't know, but having put the phone down I thought about it and gave Lacey-Rose a feed (breast not the expressed stuff - looks like that might be going to go to waste again!) and decided that "normally" I really love breastfeeding. I loved every minute of it with Ashton I just got ill and my supply dried up... I've had nothing but pain this time around but I think I could love it this time too if I can shake off the pain of the thrush.
Anyway, I phoned Martin after I'd spoken to her, whilst I was feeding Lacey-Rose and asked him to go to the pharmacy for me (he was out getting shopping for dinner) and see what they could offer me as I really don't think the Daktarin Oral Gel is working. It's definately kept it at bay as the thrush hasn't got worse, but it's not got any better either. My original prescription was for a different Daktarin Cream but the chemist decided the Oral Gel would be better... So anyway, DH went to and asked if there was anything else they could give me cos the Daktarin Oral Gel hadn't helped at all in 4 1/2 days. So they gave him the original Daktarin Cream I was supposed to have and also told him that I could also put a few drops of the Nystan Oral Suspension that I've got for Lacey-Rose on my nipples too which should help too as it's got different active ingredients.
Hopefully, I can save my breastfeeding experience... I do WANT to breastfeed, I just don't know how much longer I can put up with the pain of it.
Bless her. I'm just looking at Lacey-Rose as she's sleeping in her swing. So cute, she's got a little frown on her face as she's sleeping, she looks really troubled I just want to pick her up and give her a big hug!
I am really ill today and yet I feel better emotionally - even if I did have several breakdowns today!
I woke up this morning, acutely aware of my kidney - mainly because it feels like it's on fire and the pain travels all the way down to where my bladder and urinary tract are... So I pulled myself out of bed, don't know how really, and got Martin to make me an emergency Dr appointment and call and cancel my midwife. Unfortunately my midwife didn't get the message until she had already arrived, but she kind of took one look at me and said she'd leave me alone to go to the Drs and we could reschedule the appointment. She was so lovely and sympathetic - I ended up bursting into tears right in front of her.... How embarrassing. I don't tend to cry a lot so I really don't get why I can't seem to stop crying these days.
Anyway, she left and Martin took me to the Dr who told me off for not taking painkillers. We're fairly sure it's a kidney infection in the making and he's given me heavy duty antibiotics, anti-inflammatories (sp?), painkillers AND told me to take paracetemol at the same time and if there is no improvement in me by tomorrow morning I am to go straight to the hospital for further treatment. It really hurts none stop and the medicines taste foul and make me want to be sick.... I did ask about my thrush but his response was basically that we've got bigger things to worry about then breastfeeding and thrush if the infection is inside my kidney.
Lacey-Rose seems to be growing cuter by the day. She looks thinner now and she seems more alert and just lovely to look at. Soooo cute! It's just a shame she's not more of a cuddly baby that likes to be held. She seems to only like me to hold her when I'm feeding her or she's sleeping - other then that if anyone picks her up she tends to whinge and I remember with most of the boys they used to spend hours just being cuddled or lying on my chest. She won't do that. Mind you she is a lot stronger then they were - I think it's down to her size and weight but she can already hold her head up pretty well for a good couple of minutes whilst she looks around. I can't believe she'll be three weeks tomorrow! That's scary!
Anyway, I think she's fed up of her swing. I gave her to Martin to have a cuddle and he basically just put her in her swing and went and phoned a friend. So I'm going to go and get her out as she probably wants a feed.
I am feeling much better now. My antibiotics have kicked in so the pain in my kidney has died down, and whilst my thrush is still pretty bad I can cope with that and am finally beginning to enjoy breastfeeding!
Lacey-Rose is doing really well during the nights too, so I'm getting a fair amount of sleep. She has a feed at around 11pm, and then goes to sleep and generally hasn't be waking up for another feed until around 6am!!! I'm really hoping it lasts!!!!
Everything is going quite well here now. The boys are settled back into school, I am feeling better, Piglett is doing well and everything is basically going quite well apart from the financial side of things which will hopefully get better soon anyway!
I'd better go. Martin just made hotdogs and Ashton is throwing a hissy fit....
I'm upset today... Well, not upset, I'm happy enough but I feel like I SHOULD be upset. I had to accompany Martin, Raistlin and Ashton to the dentists today which I found quite difficult as I'm so phobic of the dentist I normally have to be sedated to get me anywhere near the chair. Then I saw a house I would really, very much like and I could have had it if we hadn't had the financial problems with our mortgage recently... It's just perfect though and would suit all our needs really well and is only just down the road from us (seriousely!) and it's got 7 bedrooms, so that would be a bedroom each with a guest room and a massive kitchen with a bar and dining area, and a seperate formal dining room, and a massive lounge, and a utility room and Oh God I Want It!!!!!
But I can't have it. Even though we could normally have afforded it, and we know we could get the mortgage for it. Which makes the whole thing so much worse.
Oh, and on top of all that, the thrush, the kidney infection and generally feeling run down - I've now got a cold too. I really hate my immune system - or lack of it!
So, we've started talking about what to do with our 10th anniversary party again. I think we're going to have a smaller party. We always said we'd have the big wedding reception we never had for our wedding, but as time goes on it doesn't seem so important. If we've moved to a bigger house (*cough* 7 bedrooms *cough* ) by then, which we should have done if everything starts going to plan, then we'll just have the party at our house... At any rate, it's three years away now!!! I remember we started talking about it when it was 9 years away and making enquiries of hotels etc! LOL
Sigh.... What I wouldn't give for that blinkin' house. I wish I'd never seen it now!!!!
I tortured myself today... I went and looked at the house I like. It was so perfect, in pretty much every way. Came home and did all the sums to see if it was possible, and it's not really. Well it is, but it'd be really hard work, which wouldn't be a problem if we had a few grand put aside in the bank like we used too but we don't and raising the deposit alone would be hard.
I'm kind of upset... Not devestated, just a bit upset, but hey-ho another time I suppose.
Anyway, the health visitor came over today. I forgot she was coming so the house was utter devestation when she arrived! Thank God we were all at least dressed and decent, even if the house was chaos!
Lacey-Rose is now back up to her birth weight again, although she's still jaundiced. I'm not too worried about the jaundice though as it's only a little. The whites of her eyes are yellow but other then that her colour and health is fine, although she's a very sleepy baby. Actually I feel great! Lacey-Rose sleeps through the night and has done now for a good few days. She goes to sleep around 10-11pm and doesn't wake up again until sometime between 6-8am!!!!!
Raistlin has been a little goat today. He's done nothing but fight with everyone and anyone today and has again left Ashton bleeding from scratches. I don't really know what to do to stop him doing it... I've tried everything but the naughty step - which is going to be my next attempt.
We're thinking of dividing the boys room into two, to make five bedrooms.... Just from the point of resale. They've got the biggest room in the house, it's massive and would easily make two decent sized rooms. At the moment our house is worth around £240k, but other houses similar to ours but with 5 beds are going for around £260k+. I reckon it'd be a really easy convert, the only difficult part would be knocking the windows about but I doubt that will cost more then around £1500.
I really want to throw a party right now... Just a simple thing, like wine and nibbles and socialising, but we desperately need a new carpet first, and I'd like to have our new sofa's in too as there's nowhere to sit right now... Ah well, hopefully soon we can replace the carpet!
Anyway, I better be off... Need to get something to eat and drink!