So the past few days have been very hectic... Yesterday I had a dental check-up, it really put me in a bad mood for the whole day so I feel sorry for the family in retrospect. I am terrified of dentists. So much so that I can't even sit in the chair without sedation or a lot of TLC. As it was they managed to convince me to get in the chair but the minute she wanted to put any instruments in my mouth I completely freaked out, so much so that they couldn't see a thing so sent me for an X-ray instead. Then they managed to get me back in the chair and wanted to double check something and again I completely freaked out. They pushed on anyway, with my reluctant permission cos I knew they needed to see, but in the end I started getting really bad with breathing, crying, shaking, I almost screamed at one point and felt like I was going to pass out. The Nurse was holding my hand trying to reassure me but by that time I was too worked up. In the end they had to give up and had me sat in a chair with my head between my knees and a glass of water.
Anyway, turns out I need some fillings and one or two of my wisdom teeth out... They are putting me out for this under heavy sedation, which makes me happier. I was saying to Martin that I know I should try to overcome or fight my fear but the treatment I get now quite suits me as I never remember what's happened. I know I'm scared when I walk in, I know I'm scared when they put a canula in my hand, I know I try to be brave and make small chat and then the next thing I know is I'm in a bed and my mouth is numb and Martin is asking the nurse if he should bring the car around to pick me up! That for me is far less traumatic then my dental appointments used to be, when they would only give me a pill to take and give me gas & air to try and calm me down (didn't work - neither had any effect!)...
Anyway, Tristan and JJ also had dental check ups yesterday and they are fine!
Today we registered Lacey-Rose's birth and got her birth certificates etc... Just as we'd finished doing we had a call from friends of ours asking if we could have their daughter whilst they were in a meeting, right there and then. So we raced down and picked her up, then had to race back and pick up Raistlin from school, then we had some general chores to do like going to the dump and getting rid of some old junk before going and picking up our friends. They both looked so depressed we ended up taking them for a drink down the pub to try and cheer them up - which was nice. Then we dropped them home and came and got the older two boys from school!
Sigh... I'm back on antibiotics again. I shouldn't really have come off them until my kidney infection was completely gone but it was making my thrush so bad I had to choose between breastfeeding or carrying on with the antibiotics... I chose breastfeeding and took the gamble that my kidney infection might clear itself. Unfortunately my gamble didn't pay off and I'm sick again. I'm also having real chest problems as well... I can't breath and my chest has felt really tight all day. I'm in quite a bit of pain but it's all in my chest down my left side especially at the back and in my kidney on the right side.... So now I can't pee, drink, eat or breath without pain.
On a happier note, LACEY-ROSE IS 4 WEEKS OLD TODAY!!!!!!!
And she is so, so cute!!!!
I'm annoyed at my brother (so what else is new!)... He was supposed to phone and tell us something and as per normal he was just too damned lazy and supid to do it despite the fact that as per normal he's involved us in his ****-ups. I'm more annoyed by the fact that he's annoyed Martin. Over all the times that we've had to help him with his self-made problems Martin has never once complained or got annoyed with his continual laziness in sorting his problems out and the one time Martin asks him to just give him a call he didn't bloody bother despite the fact it affects us too. I've told Martin point blank he's not to help my brother anymore. He doesn't learn from his mistakes and everyone else just ends up sorting them out for him and Martin spends far too much of his time sorting my brothers problems out only to have him not even listen or just be lazy and make it even worse. I'm not having Martin waste his time on my loser brother anymore.
Don't get me wrong I love my brother but he's so used to everyone else mopping up his mistakes that he's just doing the same thing over and over again. He needs to learn and obviousely a softly softly approach doesn't work because he got himself into another mess the minute we'd helped him sort out the last one - and it was purely laziness that got him there. He'd been told how to sort it out, he'd been reminded a few days later and reminded again and he basically couldn't be bothered and now we've been dragged back into the mud and have to waste yet more of our time just to secure our belongings from a bailiff.
I know everyone makes mistakes but that just takes the biscuit!!! I'll probably calm down by tomorrow but it's so annoying, why can't he ever sort himself out. The rest of us have to learn and manage and yet the minute he messes up he's got my Mum and Martin running around mopping up after him as if they've got nothing better to do with their lives then sort him out!
Anyway, we're off to a friends house tomorrow who we haven't seen in a long time. I'm excited as we all enjoy it as they're so much like us. They've got two boys, think outside the box and are always looking towards new business/money making idea's.... Only problem is his wife and I always end up drinking loads of wine and coming up with strange idea's! It's always a laugh and I'm looking forward to dressing my little Princess up and showing her off!!!!
On Sunday we're working. I really don't want too but I didn't get much choice in the matter. Thankfully my Mum is looking after the boys for the day and we'll have to take Lacey-Rose with us as I need to breastfeed her cos she won't take a bottle.
Well, I'm back and so glad to be alive! It really was touch and go for awhile there I think... After my last post we went round and saw our friends on the Saturday and by the evening I was in real agony with my chest pain, unable to breath or move much. It was so bad I was crying out in pain, something I don't think I've ever really done before. Martin had asked me to go to the hospital but I refused as I really didn't think there was a real problem other then a kidney infection despite the chest pain and breathing problems.
By the early hours of Sunday morning I was in agony, moaning in pain, paralysed with the pain, fitting so badly I bit my tongue and inside of my cheeks so badly that a week on it still hurts... Martin had had enough and dropped me off down at A&E with Lacey-Rose... I waited there for 4 hours before I was even called through to see a Dr. They determined it wasn't a kidney infection at all, and took blood, did an ECG and sent me for a chest Xray... Everything came back clear except one of the blood tests that they do to check for clots or something. At that point they took blood from the artery in my wrist to check my blood gases and then announced I wouldn't be leaving hospital that day and they were moving me to CDU.
I had several nasty turns during Sunday and Monday when the room was filled with medical people, I think I scared the Dr and nurses quite badly but I don't really remember much about it other then them putting an oxygen mask over my face, stabbing me with needles in both wrists to get more blood from my artery, commenting on the fact my pulse was up at 200 and then down at 100 and fluctuating madly and sooting me full of morphine!!!! LMAO
Then when my family and friends all started asking after me, including people I barely know and then people who normally don't bother to visit me in hospital started popping in to check on me, I was convinced everyone thought I was going to die any moment now!
Anyway, on Monday they sent me for a CT scan. I was a bit annoyed as nobody had bothered to tell me that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed Lacey-Rose for 24hours after the CT scan and at first I refused to have it because I didn't want her to have formula... But another nasty turn later and I agreed to go for it.
After the CT scan the Dr didn't bother to come and tell us what it showed. I was pretty sure it wouldn't show a blood clot and thought everyone was making a bit of a fuss over nothing. Infact I placed bets with just about everyone that the scan would show nothing and I would be sent home on my merry way! (Can you tell I was on morphine?!) Then the Dr phoned the ward in the evening having "remembered" he hadn't told me the results of the scan. He spoke to Martin who came back and told me I had two blood clots, one in each lung. I was a bit shocked and after he'd gone I spent the night crying as I really hadn't thought it was even a possibility. I know it's stupid but I just thought I was too young and fit to have clots in my lungs.
The following morning I was shown the pictures that the scan had taken and it turned out I had far more clots then Martin had said I did... Infact there were so many clots in both my lungs that I couldn't count them all. Some were big, some were small it was fascinating to see it!!!!!
Anyway, the days between Tuesday and Today have been a bit boring. They've got me taking Amoxicillin for an infection in my blood (still don't know what that means!), Co-dydramol and Diclofenoc for the pain and I have to have one injection a day into my stomach of Dalteparin. The pain is gradually easing off and my breathing is slowly getting better... I am on "weekend leave" from the hospital until tomorrow evening and am hoping they will discharge me on Monday although I don't know how likely that really is...
Anyway, I can't really think of much more to say right now... I just spending the weekend relaxing at home before I have to go back to hospital.
Argh, the past week or so has been completely insane! So much has gone on I can't even figure out what to say!
Lacey-Rose is smiling, holding her head up, generally being beautiful and spoilt. I've been discharged from my midwife now, which I'm kind of sad about as it means I don't have any more excuses to see her now.
I really can't be bothered to go into everything that has happened - there's not been any major news anyway!
I'm busy this week too... Martin has been invited to a work reunion thingie on Thursday night which I'm quite looking forward too. Friday I've got a dental appointment and they're putting me out for it as per normal. I'm really not looking forward to it, I really don't want to go. I'm just so fed up with being poked, prodded, stuck with needles and feeling ill and in pain now that I don't want to then inflict more pain and stuff on myself by going to the dentist.
Thankfully at this rate it may not be an issue as I've got a terrible cough and a sore throat so may have to cancel anyway.
Oh, and I've also got a Drs appointment on Thursday to discuss my next line of treatment for when I come off the daily injections. Joy! My stomach is very painful and bruised from the constant injections, so I'll be glad when I can stop them!
Anyway, I'm going to have to go... Martin is acting like a big whingy girl and complaining constantly about the kids. It's really beginning to bug me now so I've started making new friends and have arranged a few nights/days out. I'm also just about to start a home learning distance course and am going to apply for uni in 2008 as soon as the application form comes through now. I can't stand to live the way my life is going. I'm so bored and fed up, so I'm just going to start doing my own thing now and if Martin doesn't like it, well maybe he should be a bit more exciting and interesting and pleasant to be around.
For the last three days I have been expressing, Lacey-Rose has been hungry and crying a lot becaus of it, my nipples feel like they've been mangled and I am in a foul mood. And why?! Because I needed to express enough to last a few hours tomorrow night when DH and I go out and then on Friday I am going to the dentist and being put under and can't feed her for 24hours afterwards.... And after three days of putting myself through all of that how much have I managed to express?
Precisely 9fl oz. ONE BOTTLE?!!!!!!!!! That'll last all of no time at all! Might get her through tomorrow evening whilst DH and I go to this reunion dinner thingie...
I'm not even going to try anymore. I've still got tonight and tomorrow, but it's just not worth the hassle and worry. I'm going to use formula for the 24hours that I am not allowed to feed her.
Today has been blah. I'm ill. Again. And not pleased about it at all... I can't stop coughing and everytime I cough it hurts my lungs really badly.
Anyway, I've got a Drs appointment tomorrow. Joy! When I left hospital they gave me enough injections to last 20days they said - but we've just counted them, and the needles we've already used and they haven't given me 20days so I don't know what the Dr will do or say....
Lacey-Rose is soooo cute... She giggled at me today! And she smiled at me whilst I was feeding her - she's never done that before and it was lovely! Her eyes absolutely light up whenever she see's me - she doesn't really smile at anyone else so I feel quite special!
The boys are being monsters - but they're cute all the same too!
I'd better be off anyway... Martin has gone to the chip shop to buy us fish & chips for dinner. We've had somthing of a bad day today. Well he has - he's been stomping around like a moody teenager all day because I didn't agree or say the right thing at the right time. It worked in my favour (well sort of!) in the end though as he then stomped off into the garage to do some work!
I am on the verge of giving up breastfeeding LR. I really can't bring myself to do it anymore. I'm just not enjoying it at all. I'm fed up to my back teeth with feeling sore or being in real pain or being ill. We both have thrush again and she's got it worse then me this time in her mouth and is really whingy with it. Started her on Nystan again but I'm just so fed up now that I don't know if I will bother to feed her again now or just give her some formula.
I tried. I failed. Story of my life these days. I battled through two bouts of thrush, bad latch which caused pain, kidney injection which made it uncomfortable to feed her and then STILL breastfed her even when I nearly died from multiple PEs and have been refused the treatment I need until I quit breastfeeding and I'm just so tired now with the whole thing.
Anyway, we had a good weekend! Saturday my brother took the boys off our hands and we went for a Chinese at my favourite restaurant, and then had friends over... And Sunday we went shopping and then we went to a kiddies party in the afternoon and ended up staying until really late at night. Then LR woke me up around 4am and I couldn't get back to sleep for hours, just as I did it was time to get up again... So I walked with the boys and Martin to school and then had the health visitor come over to do the Edinburgh test for depression but she decided to wait another month as she said I looked very down which wasn't really surprising considering everything that has happened since LR has been born so it wouldn't be fair to do the test now.
Anyway, other then that not much really going on. The kids are super whingy today because they're so tired or ill and it's beginning to bug me. I'M tired and ill too and could do with a break from them all, but it's not going to happen.
I suppose I better go. The two older boys are at school an extra hour on Mondays due to doing an extra class, so it's almost time to pick them up now.
So, I'm still feeding LR. I don't want to be but I am. I don't feel well in general today. Am having more problems breathing, can't stop coughing and have pain in my chest and back... I'm sick to death of the heparin injections too, I just want this all to end now. This was supposed to be a really happy time and it's just not - it's miserable with no real sign of anything improving anytime soon.
I was going to call the Dr today about my jabs... I've only got a few more days left and have no idea what is supposed to happen next. He said he'd speak to someone about the warfarin and breastfeeding and get back to me last week, but he didn't. I was going to call him today but to be honest, I just can't ****ing be bothered. If I run out, I run out. I don't bloody like them anyway and I don't really want them.
I'm annoyed as well as I got a call saying they had lost Lacey-Rose's last blood tests - the heel prick ones and could we phone the hospital, make another appointment and take her for more ones.... I'm thinking WTF?! You LOST my baby's blood test? How? And now I have to go out of my way to get it done again?! Don't bloody think so a this point I can't even walk up the stairs anymore half the time. If they want it done, they can come to my house and re-do it. Don't see why I should go out of my way when the mistake is theirs.
People keep saying to me things can only get better from here.... Well WHEN?! When are these things going to suddenly start going right?!!! Cos so far as I can see things are just going from bad, to worse, to slightly better, to really ****ing bad, to slightly better but still bad, to my God you'd be better off dead, to really bad..... WHEN IS IT GOING TO GET BETTER?!
Reality is, it's probably not from here so stop bloody saying it is. False hope helps no-one.
Only thing that hasn't gone wrong recently is I didn't DIE a few weeks ago. I just came close. Well, I guess that's a positive?! I dunno if it can be classed as a positive as nothing has got better - I just happen to be alive still. Great.
Yeah. I'm not in a good mood today. But so what else is new.
So, I had to go and see the Anticoagulation Nurse today for a Warfarin Education appointment... I can't say I came away too happy. Everything was pretty much as expected, except she told me to cut down my alcohol intake and if I want to drink then basically I have to do it in small amounts regularly and no large amounts. Basically it came down to one glass a day. That's my halloween party ruined, my girls night out ruined, my holiday ruined, christmas ruined, Martin's birthday ruined, Valentines day ruined.... I mean, I'm not an alcoholic, but I do love to drink when I'm out socialising. I don't tend to have a lot but certainely more then two glasses of wine and the evenings just aren't the same if I can't for some reason... And now everything that I've been looking forward to over these past few weeks is effectively ruined, because I won't enjoy them as much now.
Add to that the fact that she said it's a strong possibility that the problem could be genetic/hereditary which could mean I might need to be taking these drugs for a long time if so, if not for the rest of my life....
Just another **** day, in my ever **** life. Didn't really expect anything good to come of the appointment but I hadn't even contemplated that I'd not be able to drink at social gatherings.
Anyway.... I have to go back tomorrow for a base blood test. Then I start taking a large dose of Warfarin (5mg) on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and go back for another blood test first thing on Monday and see how the dose will need to change. Then probably back every day or two for the next few weeks, and hopefully as things get more stable I'll be able to come off the dalteparin injections and only have to go to clinic once a week hopefully....
And basically this farce continues for the next 6-9months or more until my GP decides it's safe for me to stop taking Warfarin. Then I have to wait 3 months before they'll even think about doing tests to see if there's a problem with me that caused this....
Oh, and next week I've also got a postnatal check-up, plus a baby check-up plus LR has her first set of Imms...
Aw, JJ and Tristan tidied their room today without even being asked. Mind you it was so bad they could barely walk in there let alone anything else! I'm so pleased with them... Only problem is I've now realised how bad their carpet is in there and it desperately needs replacing. Gah!
I've not breastfed LR since yesterday... She had formula during the night and then I've been expressing during the day today and feeding her that. My nipples are still to sore to feed her and frankly I'm fed up with it at the moment... I'm going to carry on as I am for now and see how I feel in a day or two.
I'm giong to ask Martin to go back to work. I can't stand having him around anymore, he's driving me nuts. Keeps telling me what I do or don't think, how I do or don't feel. I'm sick of his constant whining and *****ing. I'm fed up with having no money and frankly I'm just sick of the sight of him right now after everything that's happened or is happening. I spend most days either trying not to talk to him or trying to get away from him one way or another.
The kids are fed up with him too as they constantly complain to me about how he's been mean to them or keeps shouting. I don't even bother to try and defend him anymore - he's in the wrong the majority of the time, I'm not going to tell my kids that his attitude is OK.
Anyway.... I think I'm going to quit breastfeeding. I just can't do it anymore. I'm too tired, fed up and I don't have time anymore. I've got virtually no support going on at home and I'm just really tired of feeling used, ignored, neglected, ill, in pain, harrassed and generally made to feel like I'm a peice of **** you scrape off your shoe and whinge about to your Mum.
I went for a blood test today. It's the baseline test for my INR or whatever. Tomorrow I start on a high dose of Warfarin and then have to watch closely for any "problems" over the weekend. On Monday I go back to have another blood test to check my INR levels again... Then probably go back every day next week from what she said.
Poor little Lacey-Rose has a cold again, so is snuffling away in the background... Raistlin and Ashton are fighting over a couple of video's even though we don't have a VCR to play them on anymore and Martin is slamming around in the kitchen and whinging at me every time he lays eyes on me.
And with that - I'm going out!!! LOL I'm going to go and look at handbags or fashionable shoulder bags seeing as I now have to carry around my anticoagulation record everywhere I go.
Oh great! Lacey-Rose is 8 weeks old today and guess who reared her ugly face?! Yep, that's right - AF is in the house and I'm pretty peeved by it! I hate bleeding at the best of times, but I had thought I might be lucky and not have an AF whilst I was breastfeeding... Soooo annoyed that after all the pain and problems I've had that I didn't even get a break from AF out of it.
I think actually I'm on the verge of quitting breastfeeding. I have killer thrush that is not budging and am in a lot of pain with that. On top of the fact I'll be virtually living in my GP surgery next week, and with everything that's gone on since I gave birth I'm just really tired and fed up - I want to feel normal again and breastfeeding really isn't helping me right now...
But then I feel so guilty for stopping... Especially when I struggled through everything else. I almost died and I still breastfed, I argued non-stop over the treatment I got and even refused treatment that would have made my recovery a lot quicker and easier to feed LR, I delayed going on warfarin until I was told I could breastfeed whilst on it and now, after all that, I want to quit?! I really hoped to get to six months this time - I made 3 months with Ashton before I became so ill it was unsafe for me to even hold him and my supply dried up almost overnight... I would have thought I'd feel proud of myself for lasting 8 weeks after all I've been through and yet I don't. I feel guilty for wanting to give up now, but I just don't feel able to go on anymore either. I'm pushing myself but I'm not particularly enjoying it and now neither is she as she's fussed after every feed yesterday and today until she was given formula....
And AF turning up is not helping my bad mood!!!! Especially when I so desperately want another baby and can't have one yet....
I've started my Warfarin today as well, and am still having to inject daily with heparin and the mood I'm in now thanks to AF is like "great, what else is going to go wrong for me next"...
Anyway, just needed to rant a bit... Am feeling a bit better having written this all out. Am just annoyed really as today I started to finally feel a little bit happier and then bam something else went wrong. Almost feels like I'm not ALLOWED to feel happy anymore because every time I do something goes wrong.