I was wrong, AF hasn't turned up... I have no idea what my body is upto these days. It just feels tired and ill most of the time and doesn't do anything I expect it too anymore.
Oh, I'm back to breastfeeding... Well trying anyway. I went for almost 24 hours before the guilt got the better of me and I went back to it. But at least now, despite the pain and thrush problems I am feeling a bit better about it.
We had a good weekend... Saturday we had a friend, Steve, over and went out to see the Light Fantastic up the city centre. They've never done it before and it was really good - I hope they do it every year! We watched a lady doing ballet whilst floating underneath this giant globe in the air which changed colour and looked really quite eerily spooky but beautiful.... Had a couple of drinks, bought the boys some light saber type swords and LR some bunny ears that light up and change colour (pics below!). We watched the illuminated parade go past and then watched the laser and firework show before heading home for dinner. By which time the boys and I were shattered so we left Martin and Steve chatting and went to bed!
Then on Sunday I woke up super early and couldn't get back to sleep... So rather cruelly I woke everyone else up and insisted we went to the car boot sale!!!! Nobody minded though once we got there it was quite good fun and we bought some cheap stuff...
Today I had to go to the Drs first thing for blood tests to check my INR levels. Apparently my last blood test showed that there is something up with my Iron levels (they didn't say what) so they took a sample for that too. I've got to call back in an hour to check what my INR level was and to see if I need to change my Warfarin dosage (currently on 5mg)... Tomorrow I've probably got to have more blood taken and I've also got a postnatal appointment, a baby check appointment and LR is having her first immunisation jabs... Joy!
Anyway, here's some pics from the weekend!
Tat under our sofa's... My little girlie cat turned out to be a little boy cat!!! And it's his favourite sleeping spot under there!
Lacey-Rose at the beginning of the Light Fantastic show!
Lacey-Rose in her full illuminated glory!
And slightly sideways (am too lazy to turn it around, sorry!) but this is all the boys, Martin and Lacey-Rose all showing off their lightie-uppie thingies!
Some photo's that were taken the other day.
Not a lot to report really... We've been mega busy this last week... So busy I can't even remember what we've done. Friday we had to go to Swaffham to do some Aura photo's for a Haunted Weekend event... Came back on Saturday and had our friends Jeff and Karen over for Indian take-away... Sunday we went to a wedding fayre to get idea's for our 10th anniversary and Rachell came with us and stayed the night... Today we've spent recovering at home and tomorrow we're off to do something around the Windsor area where we got married. Not sure what yet though. Martin's Mum wanted to have the boys for the day, so we're going to find something to do even if it's just a walk along the Thames...
Oh, I just this second got off the phone whilst I was typing here... My INR level has gone down again so apparently I don't have to have anymore blood tests for a week!!! Woohooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! I am so pleased as I look like a junkie who's being battered by my hubby at the moment with loads of needle marks all over my body and my arms are all green and blue from bruising and my hand is swollen too....
Only real problem now is my milk supply has gone down drastically - we're having to supplement LR more and more with each day that goes by... I have a feeling shortly it's going to dry up completely at this rate. So not happy about that as I was just beginning to enjoy breastfeeding again and yet again I am having to struggle with it. I'll smack the next person who tells me that breastfeeding is easier then bottle feeding right in the face!!!! LOL Bottle feeding is SOOOOO much easier. No hassle, just run the steriliser in the evening, and that's about it! We use ready-made formula so no hassle with mixing, or boiling water or anything like that... Takes about three seconds to get a bottle ready.... Breastfeeding takes forever, plus it comes with so many problems and pains and is hard to get used to or do it right....
Only other thing is that I've started suffering really bad headaches recently. They come every day and are always on one side of my face (left side) and leave me unable to do anything much. I did tell the Dr about them but he didn't seem overly concerned about it...
Spending this week getting ready for our Halloween party on Saturday - can't wait!!!!
Anyway, just sent Martin out for fish and chips so going to go now and get ready for dinner!!!!
I am so tempted to go for an October 2008 baby... It's what I wanted before I'd even given birth to LR and to be told I can't go ahead is really bugging me. I can't get it out of my head. My next baby WILL be my last and I just want to get it over and done with. I know that whenever I do it, I'll have a hard pregnancy, full of complications and dangers but I can't leave it the way it is. I WANT one more. I'm not going to die or anything, I know that. I can feel it, if that makes sense? And it's really bugging me thinking that I can't get it over and done with for years. I'm going to spend those years thinking of nothing but what's to come and what I'll have to go through.
Plus it breaks my pattern and strangely I'm most upset about that aspect. I had my babies in a pattern, rather by accident, but now it doesn't feel right to break it. It feels like I'm jinxing myself or something. Kind of like having accidentally called the boys names that all kind of match and once you've done it twice or thrice you can't just stop there. I mean it would have been odd having a Tristan, a Jaeven, a Raistlin and a Bob!!!!
Plus I just have a "feeling" about October next year. Like I had a feeling about Christmas 2005, and I had a "feeling" about my 25th birthday. I can't ignore it because I'll spend my life wondering "what if". I'm a big believer in regret. You rarely regret the things you do, but you always regret the things you didn't do.
I don't know how I'm going to get over this. I don't know if I'll be able too. Martin is happy to go ahead with whatever makes me happy but I just don't know. I'm trying very hard to work through this and come to the conclusion that I can't and mustn't have another next October. That I MUST wait years and years. But it's really not working and the more I think about it the stronger the urge gets. I'm not worried about my health, I never have been. Yeah, I get sick but I always recover and it's not my time to die yet so I'm not even vaguely worried about that aspect.
Anyway, I might seek some private consultation on this. Maybe go see a private consultant about what the real risks are, seeing as all my healthcare providers just keep saying how I've got five already so I don't NEED a 6th. Makes me want to scream. Nobody NEEDS children, having children is always purely selfish, you never have them for unselfish reasons and how many children I do or don't have shouldn't even be an issue. It's MY choice. One even had the audacity, after I'd said I wanted another baby ASAP, to tell me that I didn't need another child as I already had so many, so they'd recommend sterilisation in my case although obviousely if I didn't have any children they'd have worked to accomodate my wishes. What the Hell?!!!!
Anyway, Martin went and got mine, JJs and LRs passports done today. Our holiday is in just over a week, I'm dreading it in one sense (we're going with friends of ours and I'm a sociable person, but everyday for almost two weeks and driving for close to 30hours almost straight there and back I will get cranky!) because I can be moody and looking forward to it in another cos I love driving and I love the sun and hate the cold!
My Dad is coming over today... The boys are looking forward to it, but they're really over excited so they're playing up a bit.
Tomorrow is our Halloween party - so expect loads of pics!!!!!!
Some quick links on PEs and blood clots for my referance later on;
Info about Thrombophilias and pregnancy
Info about Pulmonary Embolism (scary!)
Well, I'm really quite upset... I have been doing a lot of research on Thrombophilia, which is what they think is wrong with me (although they haven't done tests to determine which type exactly!) and it's really scary... And then thinking about all the risks I'll be taking next time I get pregnant.
From what I've read the thrombophilia could also have caused my pre-eclampsia, my miscarriages, my heart problem I had with JJ, the blood clots... I'm sad because I had set my heart on Oct 08 baby before LR was born, but I am not closing off the thought of another baby, I just really want to wait until I'm in the all clear. But I need a date I can work towards, so for now we're saying Jan/Feb 2011 to start trying for another baby. I am very worried now. I was reading up on the symptoms, because when I asked my Dr about what symptoms of reoccurance I should look for once I'm off Warfarin and he wouldn't really discuss it with me... So I looked it up online and I had pretty much every symptom of this over the last few years and I can't help but wonder why nobody picked it up??? Even the more unusual symptoms I had them ALL. There wasn't a symptom I DIDN'T have.... And then all the pregnancy complications, the pain, the fainting, the dizziness, the forgetfulness, the breathlessness... Everything.
So yeah, I'm scared and angry at the same time now.
Anyway, onto better things... We had our Halloween Party last Saturday. It was fantastic!!!!! We had tons of people come, the kids loved the bouncy castle and haunted jailhouse and everyone came in fancy dress for once! It was really good fun! I can't wait for our next party at Christmas time! I went as a mad surgeon with blood all down my greens, Martin went as the Devil, Tristan went as a Vampire, Jaeven went as Batman, Raistlin went as a Bat, Ashton went as a Wizard and Lacey-Rose went as a Witch! Some of our friends took photo's so I'll have to cadge some from them!
Anyway, I suppose I'd better go. I've got a Chocolate for Chocoholids party to go to tonight... I was going to ask my Mum if she wanted to come with me, but I spoke to her this morning and she sounded really ill. I might phone her shortly and ask her anyway just incase she does want to come along!
Halloween was excellent!!!! I have some pics, they aren't very good but I'll post them up shortly anyway!
I am finding my August 07 birth board a really hard place to be at the moment. Not because the ladies are a problem - they aren't, they're all really wonderful and they're truely special people. But because it seems most of them are currently trying for another baby, some think they may even be pregnant already, and others are talking about when they will be trying again and I feel really sad about that because I so desperately wanted to be pregnant again soon. It's not that I'm not happy for them, because I am, and it doesn't bug me too badly to see pregnant ladies or talk to people trying for babies I just feel this overwhelming sadness invading me everytime the subject crops up. And truely that's so stupid - what have I got to be sad about?! I've got five - yes FIVE wonderful children who I adore but for some reason I just don't feel complete. It FEELS like someone is missing, I just wanted another one so much I suppose.
Ah well... I think I'm going to take a bit of a break from there for awhile. I read everyday but I don't post much at the moment because my life seems so different from theirs and now I'm finding it upsetting being there and talking about stuff I really want very badly and knowing they can have it but I can't because my stupid body is giving up on me slowly. And I truely believe that if I got pregnant now or anytime soon, I would die. I was in denial for awhile there, but I'm terrified now. And somedays I feel so ill I still think I may die. I just want to be healthy now. I don't know if that will ever happen though - I haven't been healthy in years, I can't even really remember what being healthy feels like anymore.
I had another blood test today to check my INR levels. Just waiting on the results now... I'm not even going to guess as to whether my blood will be too thick like last time, or too thin like a short while ago...
I've got a busy few days ahead of us now... Tomorrow we're packing and getting the car ready for our drive to Spain. Then tomorrow night I am going to see Meatloaf!!!! Can't wait! Then Saturday I am supposed to be working at WitchFest International and then on Sunday we start the long drive to Spain!!!
Anyway, I am sick and I really need to rest. The last few days I've had a cold, as has Martin, my Mum, Ashton, Raistlin and Lacey-Rose and JJ don't seem too well either... Now my chest is really flaring up and I'm in a lot of pain, plus my hand has started hurting from where I stabbed myself on Saturday. It hurts more now then it did when I did it... The nurse was so concerned that she sent me straight in to see the Dr today. He said normally he'd have given my antibiotics to stop an infection seeing as it's only just started bruising, and the bruising is spreading and the pain growing but he doesn't want to give me antibiotics because of the Warfarin and the fact I'm on holiday in Spain for the next two weeks. As it is he has told me that the minute I get to Spain I am to check in at a local hospital or anticoagulant clinic and get my INR levels checked as apparently they're unstable.
Hmm... Think I forgot to mention the fact I stabbed myself the other day!!!! A couple of hours before our Halloween party was about to start I was getting stuff ready and using a knife, and stabbed myself right in the hand... I didn't realise at first what had happened. One minute I was opening a packet, then the next there was blood spurting from around my hand, looked over to see the knife I was using burried in my hand so I pulled it out and suddenly there was blood everywhere.
Note to self: don't stab yourself with very sharp steak knifes when you are on blood thinning drugs!!!!
Anyway, I applied immediate pressure and ran through to the kitchen, grabbed a towel on the way to try and protect our new carpet, got down on my knee's with my hand over the sink and a towel pressed tightly against the stab wound... Considering it was a bath towel the blood soaked through very quickly and wouldn't stop so at that point we decided to have Rachell who was there wondering what the Hell was happening, watch the kids, jumped in the car and got down to A&E... Went to the fron reception desk and told them I'd stabbed myself with a knife and was on blood thinning drugs and basically they whisked me straight in (must have really pissed off all the people who'd been stuck there for hours!). Thankfully because of where I'd stabbed myself and the shape and size of the knife I didn't need a stitch and by that time the bleeding had stopped unless I moved my hand.... Anyway, yesterday my hand started bruising really badly and today the pain is really bad - can't move my hand much at all. But it's OK. The bruising is because of the Warfarin and the pain although unexplained is probably nothing.
Anyway, I better get gathering clothes to pack up!
So I haven't written anything in a few weeks. The Holiday left a LOT to be desired and just wasn't worth *****ing about. I had a girls night out but that was sort of ruined by the fact that Martin wanted me home early and then *****ed at me all the next day about stuff I'd said when I was drunk...
To be honest, I haven't really got anything to say these days. My life is pretty boring right now. Just starting up a new busines but I can't say I've got any real faith or interest in it so I won't bother talking about it. Martin has given up on his business now for some reason...
I think life has been so ****e for our family for so long that all motivation has gone... Reminds me of a quote from Heroes;
That's pretty much how I feel right now.“When I was a kid ... I used to wish some stranger would come and tell me my family wasn't really my family. They weren't bad people, they were just ... insignificant. And I wanted to be different. Special. I wanted to change. A new name, a new life. The watchmaker's son ... became a watchmaker. It is so futile. And I wanted to be ... important.”
I dunno, it's probably stupid but I just want to be somebody for once. I want to be important, or I want to be special, or I want to be different, or I want to do something unusual and instead I'm sat here writing in this journal about how ****e my life is. That's pretty damn sad right there!
Anyway. I'm thinking about getting myself an education. I don't know in what. I'm thinking something different. Something I've not thought of until now. I'm a pretty imaginative person so I'm sure whatever I do I can turn it around to suit myself... Just need to gain some inspiration first. I've sent off for some prospectus'... I have got a favourite but I won't bother to mention it yet.
I've kind of reached the stage, where I feel like my life is going nowhere quick. Or nowhere at all! I'm fed up of failed or failing businesses, I'm fed up of things going wrong. God, even if it means dumping my younger kids in childcare all day I've got to do something. My brain is going mental otherwise and I'll become depressed again if I don't DO something soon.
Little Lacey-Rose is ill. She's got a pretty nasty eye infection and a cold. JJ is very hoarse. Tristan has started playing up at school. Ashton has reached the terrible two's early and Raistlin is lost in the middle somewhere. Martin has just given up on life and I'm lost.... I don't know where I am or what I should do but I feel I should do something. And this may sound really odd but all my life, even when I was horrendousely bullied at school I felt like I was supposed to be somebody, or do something... I've spent years being depressed or feeling stuck because I never became the person I thought I should be and now's the time to stop that.
So. I'm not sure what the next step is... But it'll come to me. Good idea's almost always come to me, I just never acted on them before!
So I haven't been around for awhile because I lost my net connection and only just got it back last night... Things are going pretty well here right now. Everything is good! Lacey-Rose is 4 and a bit months old and absolutely gorgeous! She's had her 2nd imms and due her 3rd ones this month, she's found her feet, she's rolling, she shuffles across the floor, she's babbling and we're just about to start her on solids. Only downer really is she's pretty much stopped breastfeeding and normally it wouldn't bother me but I don't know if I'll ever be able to breastfeed again and it makes me sad to even contemplate that this part of my life is probably over.
It's really bad... I keep hanging around on the TOC board and torturing myself. I know it's probably unlikely that I will be able to have another baby. There was mention recently that I may have Lupus or some form of Thrombophilia and they've basically said if that's the case then they would be against me having more children. Some days I'm OK with it and others it really gets to me and I can't stop crying.
In lighter news my baby, Ashton, turned two on Boxing Day!!!! I can't believe how big he is... Where did the time go?! How has it been two years since he was born? Doesn't really seem possible!!!!
We are currently just waiting for an appointment for Tristan to see the Audiology department at the hospital as there's a chance he has a hearing problem... I don't really want to say too much about it as I'm not sure there is a problem yet so I'd rather just wait for now! Well, there's obviousely a problem somewhere but we aren't sure what it is, is probably what I mean!!!!
Raistlin has turned into a sweet little boy again. I think he's finally come out of the terrible two's now as his personality is back to the little cutie he used to be before he turned 2!!! Only problem is Ashton seems to be entering that stage now!!!! LOL Joy!
Christmas was OK... Glad it's over now though, I really don't like Christmas anymore these days. So stressful and so expensive and pointless. Bah humbug!!!!! LOL
Oh, and my cousin is pregnant with baby #1!!!! So excited for her.... She's due at the end of August I think, so Lacey-Rose and her baby will only be a year apart!!!!!! How cool is that?!
We're supposed to be going on a bike ride today. It started out as a walk and somehow escalated to a bike ride. Only problem is I haven't ridden a bike since I was much younger and I don't really remember enjoying bike riding after I got run over that time, so not really looking forward to it. I'd rather walk but apparently everyone else is going on a bike so I suppose I'd better follow suit!
New Years Resolutions? Hmmm... Only have a couple;
Get fit and healthy (and hopefully slimmer!)
Have cosmetic dentistry
Get our businesses up and running properly
Be a better housewife and mother and take better care of the house!
I'm starting it all on Monday when Martin goes back to "work".... Not sure how I'm going to manage as I get very tired and breathless but I'm sure I'll get used to it!
Suppose I better go and prepare myself for the horror of riding a bike after all these years!!!! LOL
Urgh... I am beginning to think that there is very definately something wrong with me. I am tired constantly, and I ache all the time especially if I've done more exercise then normal the day before. I've been getting headaches, stomach cramps, feeling sick, extremely heavy bleeding during AF, shortened cycles but MUCH longer bleeding.... Well, my cycles now consist of my virtually heamorraghing (sp?) for 10 days or more, then it starts all over again 10 days or less later. My apetite is gone too and now I'm barely eating or drinking anything and yet I've put on masses of weight and weigh almost 13stone! I keep going dizzy and my muscles sometimes "flick" or "shudder"....
I've been trying not to moan to anyone about it, but I AM getting worse and now I can barely drag myself out of bed most days. I've been forcing myself to do stuff, like try to keep up with housework, getting into bed early, and getting up earlier then I normally would, running around after the kids and trying to exercise but I don't know how much longer I can go on. Somedays I feel so ill (and yet I can describe HOW I feel ill or what's wrong with me exactly) I wish I had died when the blood clots almost finished me off just so I wouldn't feel so bad or be in so much pain.
All in all though I am happy-ish. If I'm having a bad day then I feel awful but I don't actually feel too depressed. That just seems to come and go every few months and at the moment I'm having a good run, so I hope it stays away for awhile now.
I've got a Drs appointment tomorrow at 8:30am... I've got to have an internal to see if they can see any obvious cause for the massively excessive bleeding (it's so heavy I soak through 2 pads an hour for about 5 days in a row and am left weak and faint). Cysts were mentioned, they also want to do a Smear asap (not at this appointment though as it's apparently too soon since I had LR) to rule out any nastier problems. If nothing shows up then they'll just assume it's the warfarin either way there is nothing they can do for me. I can't come off the warfarin yet, and am too unstable to start trying to decrease my dosage around the time my period is due, and they can't give me any of the meds they normally would to stop my period because of the risk that I will suffer more clots as a result.
They don't really know what's wrong with me is that it boils down too. Lupus was mentioned, I almost certainely have some form of thrombophilia as the sheer amount of clots I had was not normal. Other things like ME were also mentioned but the truth is they just don't know what's wrong or how to deal with it. And there's nothing that can be done until I am safely (?!) off the warfarin and they aren't even willing to try to treat the symptoms as apparently there is some concern that despite the warfarin I could still suffer from serious blood clots.
I give up to be honest. I don't care what's wrong with me, or how they deal with it I just want the pain and tiredness and constantly feeling ill to go away.
Tomorrow they're doing blood tests, my regular INR (levels were too high at the end of last week) and the internal. I don't know what else will happen or not happen. I don't even know really who I'm seeing. I kind of don't listen now as I find it frustrating to be told it might be this or that but there's nothing we can do about it yet so I kind of stopped listening awhile ago. Probably have all my facts mixed up or wrong anyway as my memory is shot to hell these days. That's the other frustrating thing... My memory is all but gone - I get half way through a sentance and suddenly mid word I've forgotten what I was talking about, or what I was saying, or how I meant it, I've even forgotten before mid-word that I even was talking apparently. It must be really frustrating talking to me at the moment in person!!!! LOL
On a lighter front I am thinking of trying to relactate Lacey-Rose. I really regret quitting breastfeeding and have done some reading and it seems I may be able to relactate so I can feed her properly again, especially as I am still able to express some milk. Apparently it's really hard work but I'm thinking I should give it a go.... This could be my only chance to breastfeed ever again.
Anyway, I'm going to head off to bed. It's 9:30pm and I know I won't be able to get to sleep much... Despite being horribly tired all the time I can't seem to sleep properly.