We are family!

34 posts / 0 new
Last post
Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335
We are family!

Although a somewhat hectic one!!!

I'm starting a new journal... It'll mainly be about our family, what we're upto, my inane ravings about how everyone annoys the Hell out of me!!! LMAO Blum 3

Anyway, I would do an introduction post but I just don't feel like it. And seeing as this journal is for me then I know all about us anyway!!!! Mwahahahaha

So, just to start and so I don't forget... Lacey-Rose was born on the 17th of August. I was most miffed as my birthday is the 18th and I'd predicted all through my pregnancy that I would go into labour on the 17th and give birth in the early hours of the 18th... Well, instead I went into labour in the early hours of the 17th and gave birth that morning. Damn - how couldI have been so wrong?!!!!! LOL

Her cord came away at 4 days old.
Lacey-Rose had her check-up with the GP at 7 days old, on Friday the 24th... We saw my Dad that weekend, my MIL on Bank Holiday Monday and the Health visitor on 29th.

Breastfeeding is nigh on killing me right now... I spend every feed wishing I would just give in and give her a bottle and be happy, but I won't cos I said I'd make 6 months this time and I intend to if it kills me. Which at this rate it probably will! Biggrin

The boys adore Lacey-Rose... Only problem is they adore her so much they're now bugging me for another little sister... Cos "you can't have just one girl". I think though that I'm the opposite of my Gran... She had four girls, a boy, then two more girls.... I think if I had anymore children they'd be boys as I've had four boys, then a girl... I draw the line at two more children though. No way!!!! I'm happy to have one more, but not two!!! Infact we've been talking about when to have baby #6 already but we can't decide. I dislike being pregnant as I have so many health problems so I'd quite like a long gap now... But then it seems a shame cos so far my children have been born in the following years... 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2007.... See the pattern here?!!!!!! LOL I have decided I'm going to have an October baby next though!!!! And I don't care what we have next time, although the boys would like another sister.

It's mine and Martin's 7th Anniversary today... We aren't doing anything. Haven't even exchanged cards or anything! We're going to our friend, Simon's wedding reception later tonight so that will be fun. Smile Unfortunately things didn't go as planned for us (they never do these days) and the cute outfits I wanted all of us to wear didn't happen because Martin "lost" £300. Well, he didn't loose it as such, he put it in his account and the car finance company stole it so we're penniless again. I say they stole it because Martin gave them his card details to make last months payments and without his permission they kept the details and just took the money out of his account again this month without informing or asking us at all. I'm pretty sure they aren't allowed to do that.....

Anyway... I need to go give my kids a bath. Oh wait, Martin's just said he'll do it. Oh but Piglett has just woken up an is demanding a feed. Joy!!!!


Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Urgh, Lacey-Rose and I ended up at the Drop-In Centre at the hospital early hours of this morning... Having spent until midnight last night trudging around MK trying to find a midnight pharmacy. We've both got thrush. She's got it in her mouth quite badly, and I've got it on my nipples really badly. Every feed is a nightmare right now.

They gave me some drops to go in her mouth and some cream for myself, I just hope it kicks in soon and we both feel better as she's gone off her feeds since last night. She slept from midnight until close to 9am without a feed and then when I got so worried I woke her up she barely ate anything at all. At that point we went down the drop-in centre and sat around waiting for over an hour before I got so desperate because she hadn't eaten anything that I went to the receptionist and told her my 2 week old baby had barely had anything to eat, and I was going to try waking her again and feeding her but I doubted it'd work and I was worried about her getting dehydrated. By the time I'd finished ranting I was in tears. At that point the receptionist said she'd find a private room for me to feed in and went and asked someone who basically said she'd see me straight away. GAH! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF SAYING ALL THAT BEFORE I'D BEEN SAT THERE FOR OVER AN HOUR????!!!!!! Lol

Anyway, turned out this lady was a nurse midwife and she basically checked my breasts and confirmed it was thrush, took a small peek in Lacey-Rose's mouth and said "yep! That's thrush alright!", told me I had to spend the next few days in bed and if possible offload the kids and pretend she was my only child (HAH!) and just spend the next few days feeding Piglett and eating and drinking as both of us appear dehydrated... Shortly after talking about my stress levels, depression, baby blues and when my health visitor is going to do that blinkin' useless Edinburgh Test to see if I am depressed we discovered she couldn't actually prescribe the medication we both needed. So she made us both appointments with MKDOC and we went back out to the waiting room and almost as soon as we sat down we were called in, much to the annoyance of all the people who had seen my Q-hop twice by now! Anyway, it turned out the woman who saw me at MKDOC IS my health visitor that I saw only a few days ago!!!!!! LOL She was lovely and spent awhile chatting to me and then gave me my prescriptions and I went off on a merry (!) way to get the medication! Unfortunately I forgot to mention I've also started bleeding quite heavily again and passing clots here and there. I'm not concerned about it but it is a bit annoying. I'll have to make sure I tell my midwife when I see her later this week as she told me to let her know these things because of the risk I'm at of an infection because we couldn't get all the membranes and stuff out after the birth. I should imagine if I was going to get an infection I'd have started getting it by now though.

It hurts so much right now though. I'm just really fed up. I spent my entire pregnancy miserable and in a lot of pain and one of the few things I thought would be OK and I could look forward too was breastfeeding, but I've been doing it 16 days now and it's been incredibly painful the whole time. I'm beginning to wonder why I am bothering.

I expressed 9fl oz earlier today as I really couldn't stand the thought of feeding her with the pain... But she really wasn't impressed with taking a bottle and she wasn't happy at all about it and seemed terribly upset and confused so in the end I gave up with it. That's now the third full bottle of expressed milk that's been thrown away so I doubt I'll bother expressing anymore as she just won't take it. :roll:

On a more positive note, Phil took the boys for the day today to give us a break!!!! Although it wasn't much of a break as Martin then invited his friend Steve over... But it was pleasant and I find talking to Steve is always interesting so I can't complain.

Martin is cooking me my favourite dinner tonight... I can't wait! I'm not hungry at all, as I seem to have completely lost my apetite since giving birth but I'm going to try my best to finish it all!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I'm feeling quite blue today... Don't really know why, haven't got a specific reason as such just lots of little things are bugging me a little bit, if that makes sense?

Breastfeeding is really hurting me. I don't like it, infact I think it's safe to say that right now I really hate breastfeeding and I resent Piglett everytime she latches on or cries for feeding. I wish I could afford formula right now, but I can't so I should stop thinking about it really.

Money is bugging me too. In that we have none. And I have no idea when anymore is coming in. And I've lost faith in Martin's business as a way of producing money for the family. For instance he's got a big job he's been waiting on for over a year now, it all seemed to kick off and we were due a big cheque but it's not coming anytime soon now (was supposed to have it back in June/July) because they've got another job on and that's it, all faith has gone... We've been counting on that money for so long now and it's a never ending disappointment. He has got other jobs but they're only small oes because he's been counting on this big one... He has also got some development stuff he could do but he can't because he needs money to do that so it's stuffed really.

So now I'm thinking about returning to work. I've been looking around at local jobs and just can't decide what to do. Everyone I know tells me I shouldn't go back to work and I should stay at home with my kids and "enjoy" being a lady of leisure... But I need the security of a regular income and I don't believe Martin's business will give that to us anymore so my only option is to go to work. Only problem is I can't decide what to do. I could return to NHSP and work as and when it suited me, for quite good money. But it's hard work and I'll have to be on my feet the whole of each shift with virtually no break and I don't know if my hips can handle that yet. I could do agency care work but then I can't pick and choose my own shifts, I have to basically do what they give me. Or I could do something else - maybe an office or IT job. I haven't worked in an office in years and I wouldn't want to go back to Admin work again as it'd mean phone work and I have a phobia of phones... But I could quite easily do IT. Or I could be a real pleb and go work on a checkout somewhere!!! Lol OK money, but dead boring and I've never worked a till before.

Urgh. I don't know what to do. But I feel like I need to do something as life is a never ending disappointment at the moment. Even the boys are being affected by it now when they ask if we can do something that we always used to and we always have to tell them no, or when they ask if we can go out for a drive or to Granny's and we have to say no because we've got no petrol.... It's just depressing for all of us.

The boys are really playing up at the moment. They've spent the last 6 weeks bored out of their minds because we've done nothing and been nowhere so I can't really blame them. They've been asking for the last week if they can go back to school because it's better there apparently. And Lacey-Rose isn't feeding well at the moment and she's had barely any dirty or wet nappies... So it feels like life is a bit shite right now.

Anyway, I'd better go for now...

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

You know, I'm sure I'll be slated for saying this and maybe it's just hormones, but I'm really disappointed in my pregnancy experience and also my post-birth experience and in some ways, with my baby. I mean my pregnancy was awful and stressful and I didn't get to do even a quarter of the stuff I wanted too. My birth was fabby, I loved every minute of it, but then I always love giving birth! Then post-birth breastfeeding has been horrible, I have nothing I can wear so I'm still stuck in my maternity clothes, I didn't get to do half the stuff we'd planned to do afterwards, my kids have played up and I feel really run down and fed up. And to top it all these feelings also seem to extend to Piglett as she's not what I expected in my baby. Firstly she's HUGE, I expected a cute little bundle of joy and instead I got a great big fat hulk of a baby. She's got dark hair, all my children have blond hair so why did my only daughter have to be so different? She sleeps a lot (kind of expected in a baby!) and when she's awake all she wants is to feed from me which hurts like Hell. Bringing us back to breastfeeding. Urgh. She just doesn't look like I expected my little Lacey-Rose would look. I wish I'd changed my mind straight away and called her Sheridan now... She looks like a Sheridan to me. I always imagined Lacey-Rose would be a petite, thin, blonde haired, blue eyed little Princess. And whilst I love Piglett I can't help but feel a bit disappointed.

Stupid I know. I wish I didn't feel like that but I do. I'm hoping it's just hormones or the frustration of constantly breastfeeding and the pain that I associate with it that's making me feel this way.

Anyway, we had a good day today. We went to my Mums and the boys played in her garden, ate her food (as always! Blum 3 ) and watched her TV!!!! LOL I got to sit down and do nothing and not be harrassed by kids, and Martin got to fiddle with her computer! Oh, and she leant me a few books to read too which I'm looking forward to starting on!

Martin has just gone up the Centre to buy the boys "indoor" school shoes. Their school is really hard on this - all children must have wellies for wet days, school shoes for outside, and school shoes for inside so they don't mess up the carpets etc. Drives me nuts especially considering the rate our boys go through shoes but ho-hum it's got to be that way! Lacey-Rose and Ashton are currently asleep and I'm just watching Simpsons! LOL Bliss!!!!

Infact, I think I may go and cheer myself up by having some strawberry cheesecake now!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I'm ill. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong but now it seems on top of the killer thrush I am now ill as I've been feeling really tired and run down today and my stomach is really sore and I can't stop going to the toilet... I have a feeling it's possibly a UTI coming on, should know by tomorrow at which point I'll probably go to the Dr. My head is also pounding and my chest feels really tight so I can barely breath and it really hurts.

I have given up on breastfeeding for now. I am expressing at the moment, not that I'm getting much. Every other time I expressed I got loads and most of it just got thrown away because she wouldn't take a bottle and then this one time when I really need a good supply, I can barely get 3fl oz between both boobs. Sad And she's still not happy about taking a bottle but frankly I'm beyond caring anymore, she's lucky I have no money right now otherwise she'd be on formula not breastmilk.

Tristan, JJ and Raistlin went back to school today. Raisti is only on half days until next September I think but still it was still nice to be rid of him for a few hours today... Only problem was Ashton really didn't like the change and has been a horror all day - fighting, arguing, tantrums, you name it, he's done it. Thankfully it's bed time now...

Martin has been an arsehole for most of the day. He's got his eye on some new business venture, sounds crap to me especially as he was supposed to be working and has instead spent all day on this new venture which even he admits isn't a long-term thing and may not be that profitable. I don't understand people who work hard for little money... My motto was always to go for the most amount of money for the smallest amount of work. And as per normal, it was mine and the kids faults he didn't do any work apparently. Not the fact he's lazy and couldn't be arsed to do any REAL work. :roll:

Not a good day today. I see my midwife tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it to be honest because I don't want her to see that I'm having trouble holding things together, but I spent years putting on a happy mask and making people think I was alright so I'm sure it'll be OK.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

So another post today!

My Mum is lovely. She read this and phoned my straight away and gave me a good talking too... I normally don't like people commenting on my journal but that's mainly because they normally only comment when I've said something I shouldn't have said about them - but she was very supportive which was lovely. She asked me whether I actually want to carry on breastfeeding. Of course, I said I didn't know, but having put the phone down I thought about it and gave Lacey-Rose a feed (breast not the expressed stuff - looks like that might be going to go to waste again!) and decided that "normally" I really love breastfeeding. I loved every minute of it with Ashton I just got ill and my supply dried up... I've had nothing but pain this time around but I think I could love it this time too if I can shake off the pain of the thrush.

Anyway, I phoned Martin after I'd spoken to her, whilst I was feeding Lacey-Rose and asked him to go to the pharmacy for me (he was out getting shopping for dinner) and see what they could offer me as I really don't think the Daktarin Oral Gel is working. It's definately kept it at bay as the thrush hasn't got worse, but it's not got any better either. My original prescription was for a different Daktarin Cream but the chemist decided the Oral Gel would be better... So anyway, DH went to and asked if there was anything else they could give me cos the Daktarin Oral Gel hadn't helped at all in 4 1/2 days. So they gave him the original Daktarin Cream I was supposed to have and also told him that I could also put a few drops of the Nystan Oral Suspension that I've got for Lacey-Rose on my nipples too which should help too as it's got different active ingredients.

Hopefully, I can save my breastfeeding experience... I do WANT to breastfeed, I just don't know how much longer I can put up with the pain of it.

Bless her. I'm just looking at Lacey-Rose as she's sleeping in her swing. So cute, she's got a little frown on her face as she's sleeping, she looks really troubled I just want to pick her up and give her a big hug!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I am really ill today and yet I feel better emotionally - even if I did have several breakdowns today!

I woke up this morning, acutely aware of my kidney - mainly because it feels like it's on fire and the pain travels all the way down to where my bladder and urinary tract are... So I pulled myself out of bed, don't know how really, and got Martin to make me an emergency Dr appointment and call and cancel my midwife. Unfortunately my midwife didn't get the message until she had already arrived, but she kind of took one look at me and said she'd leave me alone to go to the Drs and we could reschedule the appointment. She was so lovely and sympathetic - I ended up bursting into tears right in front of her.... How embarrassing. I don't tend to cry a lot so I really don't get why I can't seem to stop crying these days.

Anyway, she left and Martin took me to the Dr who told me off for not taking painkillers. We're fairly sure it's a kidney infection in the making and he's given me heavy duty antibiotics, anti-inflammatories (sp?), painkillers AND told me to take paracetemol at the same time and if there is no improvement in me by tomorrow morning I am to go straight to the hospital for further treatment. Sad It really hurts none stop and the medicines taste foul and make me want to be sick.... I did ask about my thrush but his response was basically that we've got bigger things to worry about then breastfeeding and thrush if the infection is inside my kidney.

Lacey-Rose seems to be growing cuter by the day. She looks thinner now and she seems more alert and just lovely to look at. Smile Soooo cute! It's just a shame she's not more of a cuddly baby that likes to be held. She seems to only like me to hold her when I'm feeding her or she's sleeping - other then that if anyone picks her up she tends to whinge and I remember with most of the boys they used to spend hours just being cuddled or lying on my chest. She won't do that. Mind you she is a lot stronger then they were - I think it's down to her size and weight but she can already hold her head up pretty well for a good couple of minutes whilst she looks around. I can't believe she'll be three weeks tomorrow! That's scary!

Anyway, I think she's fed up of her swing. I gave her to Martin to have a cuddle and he basically just put her in her swing and went and phoned a friend. :roll: So I'm going to go and get her out as she probably wants a feed.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

OK, first some pics!

Lacey-Rose having a bath!!!

Tristan holding Tat!

Raistlin "Can I borrow your car Mum?!"


I am feeling much better now. My antibiotics have kicked in so the pain in my kidney has died down, and whilst my thrush is still pretty bad I can cope with that and am finally beginning to enjoy breastfeeding!

Lacey-Rose is doing really well during the nights too, so I'm getting a fair amount of sleep. She has a feed at around 11pm, and then goes to sleep and generally hasn't be waking up for another feed until around 6am!!! I'm really hoping it lasts!!!!

Everything is going quite well here now. The boys are settled back into school, I am feeling better, Piglett is doing well and everything is basically going quite well apart from the financial side of things which will hopefully get better soon anyway!

I'd better go. Martin just made hotdogs and Ashton is throwing a hissy fit....

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I'm upset today... Well, not upset, I'm happy enough but I feel like I SHOULD be upset. I had to accompany Martin, Raistlin and Ashton to the dentists today which I found quite difficult as I'm so phobic of the dentist I normally have to be sedated to get me anywhere near the chair. Then I saw a house I would really, very much like and I could have had it if we hadn't had the financial problems with our mortgage recently... It's just perfect though and would suit all our needs really well and is only just down the road from us (seriousely!) and it's got 7 bedrooms, so that would be a bedroom each with a guest room and a massive kitchen with a bar and dining area, and a seperate formal dining room, and a massive lounge, and a utility room and Oh God I Want It!!!!!

But I can't have it. Sad Even though we could normally have afforded it, and we know we could get the mortgage for it. Which makes the whole thing so much worse. Sad

Oh, and on top of all that, the thrush, the kidney infection and generally feeling run down - I've now got a cold too. I really hate my immune system - or lack of it!

So, we've started talking about what to do with our 10th anniversary party again. I think we're going to have a smaller party. We always said we'd have the big wedding reception we never had for our wedding, but as time goes on it doesn't seem so important. If we've moved to a bigger house (*cough* 7 bedrooms *cough* Blum 3 ) by then, which we should have done if everything starts going to plan, then we'll just have the party at our house... At any rate, it's three years away now!!! I remember we started talking about it when it was 9 years away and making enquiries of hotels etc! LOL Biggrin

Sigh.... What I wouldn't give for that blinkin' house. I wish I'd never seen it now!!!!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I tortured myself today... I went and looked at the house I like. It was so perfect, in pretty much every way. Sad Came home and did all the sums to see if it was possible, and it's not really. Well it is, but it'd be really hard work, which wouldn't be a problem if we had a few grand put aside in the bank like we used too but we don't and raising the deposit alone would be hard.

I'm kind of upset... Not devestated, just a bit upset, but hey-ho another time I suppose.

Anyway, the health visitor came over today. I forgot she was coming so the house was utter devestation when she arrived! Thank God we were all at least dressed and decent, even if the house was chaos!

Lacey-Rose is now back up to her birth weight again, although she's still jaundiced. I'm not too worried about the jaundice though as it's only a little. The whites of her eyes are yellow but other then that her colour and health is fine, although she's a very sleepy baby. Actually I feel great! Lacey-Rose sleeps through the night and has done now for a good few days. She goes to sleep around 10-11pm and doesn't wake up again until sometime between 6-8am!!!!!

Raistlin has been a little goat today. He's done nothing but fight with everyone and anyone today and has again left Ashton bleeding from scratches. I don't really know what to do to stop him doing it... I've tried everything but the naughty step - which is going to be my next attempt.

We're thinking of dividing the boys room into two, to make five bedrooms.... Just from the point of resale. They've got the biggest room in the house, it's massive and would easily make two decent sized rooms. At the moment our house is worth around £240k, but other houses similar to ours but with 5 beds are going for around £260k+. I reckon it'd be a really easy convert, the only difficult part would be knocking the windows about but I doubt that will cost more then around £1500.

I really want to throw a party right now... Just a simple thing, like wine and nibbles and socialising, but we desperately need a new carpet first, and I'd like to have our new sofa's in too as there's nowhere to sit right now... Ah well, hopefully soon we can replace the carpet!

Anyway, I better be off... Need to get something to eat and drink!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

A pic of Lacey-Rose, taken a few minutes ago!

So the past few days have been very hectic... Yesterday I had a dental check-up, it really put me in a bad mood for the whole day so I feel sorry for the family in retrospect. I am terrified of dentists. So much so that I can't even sit in the chair without sedation or a lot of TLC. As it was they managed to convince me to get in the chair but the minute she wanted to put any instruments in my mouth I completely freaked out, so much so that they couldn't see a thing so sent me for an X-ray instead. Then they managed to get me back in the chair and wanted to double check something and again I completely freaked out. They pushed on anyway, with my reluctant permission cos I knew they needed to see, but in the end I started getting really bad with breathing, crying, shaking, I almost screamed at one point and felt like I was going to pass out. The Nurse was holding my hand trying to reassure me but by that time I was too worked up. In the end they had to give up and had me sat in a chair with my head between my knees and a glass of water.

Anyway, turns out I need some fillings and one or two of my wisdom teeth out... They are putting me out for this under heavy sedation, which makes me happier. I was saying to Martin that I know I should try to overcome or fight my fear but the treatment I get now quite suits me as I never remember what's happened. I know I'm scared when I walk in, I know I'm scared when they put a canula in my hand, I know I try to be brave and make small chat and then the next thing I know is I'm in a bed and my mouth is numb and Martin is asking the nurse if he should bring the car around to pick me up! That for me is far less traumatic then my dental appointments used to be, when they would only give me a pill to take and give me gas & air to try and calm me down (didn't work - neither had any effect!)...

Anyway, Tristan and JJ also had dental check ups yesterday and they are fine! Smile

Today we registered Lacey-Rose's birth and got her birth certificates etc... Just as we'd finished doing we had a call from friends of ours asking if we could have their daughter whilst they were in a meeting, right there and then. So we raced down and picked her up, then had to race back and pick up Raistlin from school, then we had some general chores to do like going to the dump and getting rid of some old junk before going and picking up our friends. They both looked so depressed we ended up taking them for a drink down the pub to try and cheer them up - which was nice. Then we dropped them home and came and got the older two boys from school!

So a busy day all in all.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Sigh... I'm back on antibiotics again. I shouldn't really have come off them until my kidney infection was completely gone but it was making my thrush so bad I had to choose between breastfeeding or carrying on with the antibiotics... I chose breastfeeding and took the gamble that my kidney infection might clear itself. Unfortunately my gamble didn't pay off and I'm sick again. Sad I'm also having real chest problems as well... I can't breath and my chest has felt really tight all day. I'm in quite a bit of pain but it's all in my chest down my left side especially at the back and in my kidney on the right side.... So now I can't pee, drink, eat or breath without pain. Sad

On a happier note, LACEY-ROSE IS 4 WEEKS OLD TODAY!!!!!!!

And she is so, so cute!!!!

I'm annoyed at my brother (so what else is new!)... He was supposed to phone and tell us something and as per normal he was just too damned lazy and supid to do it despite the fact that as per normal he's involved us in his cock-ups. I'm more annoyed by the fact that he's annoyed Martin. Over all the times that we've had to help him with his self-made problems Martin has never once complained or got annoyed with his continual laziness in sorting his problems out and the one time Martin asks him to just give him a call he didn't bloody bother despite the fact it affects us too. I've told Martin point blank he's not to help my brother anymore. He doesn't learn from his mistakes and everyone else just ends up sorting them out for him and Martin spends far too much of his time sorting my brothers problems out only to have him not even listen or just be lazy and make it even worse. I'm not having Martin waste his time on my loser brother anymore.

Don't get me wrong I love my brother but he's so used to everyone else mopping up his mistakes that he's just doing the same thing over and over again. He needs to learn and obviousely a softly softly approach doesn't work because he got himself into another mess the minute we'd helped him sort out the last one - and it was purely laziness that got him there. He'd been told how to sort it out, he'd been reminded a few days later and reminded again and he basically couldn't be bothered and now we've been dragged back into the mud and have to waste yet more of our time just to secure our belongings from a bailiff.

I know everyone makes mistakes but that just takes the biscuit!!! I'll probably calm down by tomorrow but it's so annoying, why can't he ever sort himself out. The rest of us have to learn and manage and yet the minute he messes up he's got my Mum and Martin running around mopping up after him as if they've got nothing better to do with their lives then sort him out!

Anyway, we're off to a friends house tomorrow who we haven't seen in a long time. I'm excited as we all enjoy it as they're so much like us. They've got two boys, think outside the box and are always looking towards new business/money making idea's.... Only problem is his wife and I always end up drinking loads of wine and coming up with strange idea's! It's always a laugh and I'm looking forward to dressing my little Princess up and showing her off!!!!

On Sunday we're working. I really don't want too but I didn't get much choice in the matter. Thankfully my Mum is looking after the boys for the day and we'll have to take Lacey-Rose with us as I need to breastfeed her cos she won't take a bottle.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Well, I'm back and so glad to be alive! It really was touch and go for awhile there I think... After my last post we went round and saw our friends on the Saturday and by the evening I was in real agony with my chest pain, unable to breath or move much. It was so bad I was crying out in pain, something I don't think I've ever really done before. Martin had asked me to go to the hospital but I refused as I really didn't think there was a real problem other then a kidney infection despite the chest pain and breathing problems.

By the early hours of Sunday morning I was in agony, moaning in pain, paralysed with the pain, fitting so badly I bit my tongue and inside of my cheeks so badly that a week on it still hurts... Martin had had enough and dropped me off down at A&E with Lacey-Rose... I waited there for 4 hours before I was even called through to see a Dr. They determined it wasn't a kidney infection at all, and took blood, did an ECG and sent me for a chest Xray... Everything came back clear except one of the blood tests that they do to check for clots or something. At that point they took blood from the artery in my wrist to check my blood gases and then announced I wouldn't be leaving hospital that day and they were moving me to CDU.

I had several nasty turns during Sunday and Monday when the room was filled with medical people, I think I scared the Dr and nurses quite badly but I don't really remember much about it other then them putting an oxygen mask over my face, stabbing me with needles in both wrists to get more blood from my artery, commenting on the fact my pulse was up at 200 and then down at 100 and fluctuating madly and sooting me full of morphine!!!! LMAO

Then when my family and friends all started asking after me, including people I barely know and then people who normally don't bother to visit me in hospital started popping in to check on me, I was convinced everyone thought I was going to die any moment now!

Anyway, on Monday they sent me for a CT scan. I was a bit annoyed as nobody had bothered to tell me that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed Lacey-Rose for 24hours after the CT scan and at first I refused to have it because I didn't want her to have formula... But another nasty turn later and I agreed to go for it.

After the CT scan the Dr didn't bother to come and tell us what it showed. I was pretty sure it wouldn't show a blood clot and thought everyone was making a bit of a fuss over nothing. Infact I placed bets with just about everyone that the scan would show nothing and I would be sent home on my merry way! (Can you tell I was on morphine?!) Then the Dr phoned the ward in the evening having "remembered" he hadn't told me the results of the scan. He spoke to Martin who came back and told me I had two blood clots, one in each lung. I was a bit shocked and after he'd gone I spent the night crying as I really hadn't thought it was even a possibility. I know it's stupid but I just thought I was too young and fit to have clots in my lungs.

The following morning I was shown the pictures that the scan had taken and it turned out I had far more clots then Martin had said I did... Infact there were so many clots in both my lungs that I couldn't count them all. Some were big, some were small it was fascinating to see it!!!!!

Anyway, the days between Tuesday and Today have been a bit boring. They've got me taking Amoxicillin for an infection in my blood (still don't know what that means!), Co-dydramol and Diclofenoc for the pain and I have to have one injection a day into my stomach of Dalteparin. The pain is gradually easing off and my breathing is slowly getting better... I am on "weekend leave" from the hospital until tomorrow evening and am hoping they will discharge me on Monday although I don't know how likely that really is...

Anyway, I can't really think of much more to say right now... I just spending the weekend relaxing at home before I have to go back to hospital.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Argh, the past week or so has been completely insane! So much has gone on I can't even figure out what to say!

Lacey-Rose is smiling, holding her head up, generally being beautiful and spoilt. I've been discharged from my midwife now, which I'm kind of sad about as it means I don't have any more excuses to see her now.

I really can't be bothered to go into everything that has happened - there's not been any major news anyway!

I'm busy this week too... Martin has been invited to a work reunion thingie on Thursday night which I'm quite looking forward too. Friday I've got a dental appointment and they're putting me out for it as per normal. I'm really not looking forward to it, I really don't want to go. I'm just so fed up with being poked, prodded, stuck with needles and feeling ill and in pain now that I don't want to then inflict more pain and stuff on myself by going to the dentist.

Thankfully at this rate it may not be an issue as I've got a terrible cough and a sore throat so may have to cancel anyway.

Oh, and I've also got a Drs appointment on Thursday to discuss my next line of treatment for when I come off the daily injections. Joy! My stomach is very painful and bruised from the constant injections, so I'll be glad when I can stop them!

Anyway, I'm going to have to go... Martin is acting like a big whingy girl and complaining constantly about the kids. It's really beginning to bug me now so I've started making new friends and have arranged a few nights/days out. I'm also just about to start a home learning distance course and am going to apply for uni in 2008 as soon as the application form comes through now. I can't stand to live the way my life is going. I'm so bored and fed up, so I'm just going to start doing my own thing now and if Martin doesn't like it, well maybe he should be a bit more exciting and interesting and pleasant to be around.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

That's it! I officially give up!

For the last three days I have been expressing, Lacey-Rose has been hungry and crying a lot becaus of it, my nipples feel like they've been mangled and I am in a foul mood. And why?! Because I needed to express enough to last a few hours tomorrow night when DH and I go out and then on Friday I am going to the dentist and being put under and can't feed her for 24hours afterwards.... And after three days of putting myself through all of that how much have I managed to express?

Precisely 9fl oz. ONE BOTTLE?!!!!!!!!! That'll last all of no time at all! Might get her through tomorrow evening whilst DH and I go to this reunion dinner thingie...

I'm not even going to try anymore. I've still got tonight and tomorrow, but it's just not worth the hassle and worry. I'm going to use formula for the 24hours that I am not allowed to feed her.

Today has been blah. I'm ill. Again. And not pleased about it at all... I can't stop coughing and everytime I cough it hurts my lungs really badly.

Anyway, I've got a Drs appointment tomorrow. Joy! When I left hospital they gave me enough injections to last 20days they said - but we've just counted them, and the needles we've already used and they haven't given me 20days so I don't know what the Dr will do or say....

Lacey-Rose is soooo cute... She giggled at me today! And she smiled at me whilst I was feeding her - she's never done that before and it was lovely! Her eyes absolutely light up whenever she see's me - she doesn't really smile at anyone else so I feel quite special!

The boys are being monsters - but they're cute all the same too!

I'd better be off anyway... Martin has gone to the chip shop to buy us fish & chips for dinner. We've had somthing of a bad day today. Well he has - he's been stomping around like a moody teenager all day because I didn't agree or say the right thing at the right time. :roll: It worked in my favour (well sort of!) in the end though as he then stomped off into the garage to do some work!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I am on the verge of giving up breastfeeding LR. I really can't bring myself to do it anymore. I'm just not enjoying it at all. I'm fed up to my back teeth with feeling sore or being in real pain or being ill. We both have thrush again and she's got it worse then me this time in her mouth and is really whingy with it. Started her on Nystan again but I'm just so fed up now that I don't know if I will bother to feed her again now or just give her some formula.

I tried. I failed. Story of my life these days. I battled through two bouts of thrush, bad latch which caused pain, kidney injection which made it uncomfortable to feed her and then STILL breastfed her even when I nearly died from multiple PEs and have been refused the treatment I need until I quit breastfeeding and I'm just so tired now with the whole thing.

Anyway, we had a good weekend! Saturday my brother took the boys off our hands and we went for a Chinese at my favourite restaurant, and then had friends over... And Sunday we went shopping and then we went to a kiddies party in the afternoon and ended up staying until really late at night. Then LR woke me up around 4am and I couldn't get back to sleep for hours, just as I did it was time to get up again... So I walked with the boys and Martin to school and then had the health visitor come over to do the Edinburgh test for depression but she decided to wait another month as she said I looked very down which wasn't really surprising considering everything that has happened since LR has been born so it wouldn't be fair to do the test now.

Anyway, other then that not much really going on. The kids are super whingy today because they're so tired or ill and it's beginning to bug me. I'M tired and ill too and could do with a break from them all, but it's not going to happen.

I suppose I better go. The two older boys are at school an extra hour on Mondays due to doing an extra class, so it's almost time to pick them up now.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

So, I'm still feeding LR. I don't want to be but I am. I don't feel well in general today. Am having more problems breathing, can't stop coughing and have pain in my chest and back... I'm sick to death of the heparin injections too, I just want this all to end now. This was supposed to be a really happy time and it's just not - it's miserable with no real sign of anything improving anytime soon.

I was going to call the Dr today about my jabs... I've only got a few more days left and have no idea what is supposed to happen next. He said he'd speak to someone about the warfarin and breastfeeding and get back to me last week, but he didn't. I was going to call him today but to be honest, I just can't ****ing be bothered. If I run out, I run out. I don't bloody like them anyway and I don't really want them.

I'm annoyed as well as I got a call saying they had lost Lacey-Rose's last blood tests - the heel prick ones and could we phone the hospital, make another appointment and take her for more ones.... I'm thinking WTF?! You LOST my baby's blood test? How? And now I have to go out of my way to get it done again?! Don't bloody think so a this point I can't even walk up the stairs anymore half the time. If they want it done, they can come to my house and re-do it. Don't see why I should go out of my way when the mistake is theirs.

People keep saying to me things can only get better from here.... Well WHEN?! When are these things going to suddenly start going right?!!! Cos so far as I can see things are just going from bad, to worse, to slightly better, to really ****ing bad, to slightly better but still bad, to my God you'd be better off dead, to really bad..... WHEN IS IT GOING TO GET BETTER?!

Reality is, it's probably not from here so stop bloody saying it is. False hope helps no-one.

Only thing that hasn't gone wrong recently is I didn't DIE a few weeks ago. I just came close. Well, I guess that's a positive?! I dunno if it can be classed as a positive as nothing has got better - I just happen to be alive still. Great.

Yeah. I'm not in a good mood today. But so what else is new.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

So, I had to go and see the Anticoagulation Nurse today for a Warfarin Education appointment... I can't say I came away too happy. Everything was pretty much as expected, except she told me to cut down my alcohol intake and if I want to drink then basically I have to do it in small amounts regularly and no large amounts. Basically it came down to one glass a day. That's my halloween party ruined, my girls night out ruined, my holiday ruined, christmas ruined, Martin's birthday ruined, Valentines day ruined.... I mean, I'm not an alcoholic, but I do love to drink when I'm out socialising. I don't tend to have a lot but certainely more then two glasses of wine and the evenings just aren't the same if I can't for some reason... And now everything that I've been looking forward to over these past few weeks is effectively ruined, because I won't enjoy them as much now.

Add to that the fact that she said it's a strong possibility that the problem could be genetic/hereditary which could mean I might need to be taking these drugs for a long time if so, if not for the rest of my life....

Just another shit day, in my ever shit life. Didn't really expect anything good to come of the appointment but I hadn't even contemplated that I'd not be able to drink at social gatherings. Sad

Anyway.... I have to go back tomorrow for a base blood test. Then I start taking a large dose of Warfarin (5mg) on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and go back for another blood test first thing on Monday and see how the dose will need to change. Then probably back every day or two for the next few weeks, and hopefully as things get more stable I'll be able to come off the dalteparin injections and only have to go to clinic once a week hopefully....

And basically this farce continues for the next 6-9months or more until my GP decides it's safe for me to stop taking Warfarin. Then I have to wait 3 months before they'll even think about doing tests to see if there's a problem with me that caused this....

Oh, and next week I've also got a postnatal check-up, plus a baby check-up plus LR has her first set of Imms...

Aw, JJ and Tristan tidied their room today without even being asked. Mind you it was so bad they could barely walk in there let alone anything else! I'm so pleased with them... Only problem is I've now realised how bad their carpet is in there and it desperately needs replacing. Gah!

I've not breastfed LR since yesterday... She had formula during the night and then I've been expressing during the day today and feeding her that. My nipples are still to sore to feed her and frankly I'm fed up with it at the moment... I'm going to carry on as I am for now and see how I feel in a day or two.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I'm giong to ask Martin to go back to work. I can't stand having him around anymore, he's driving me nuts. Keeps telling me what I do or don't think, how I do or don't feel. I'm sick of his constant whining and *****ing. I'm fed up with having no money and frankly I'm just sick of the sight of him right now after everything that's happened or is happening. I spend most days either trying not to talk to him or trying to get away from him one way or another.

The kids are fed up with him too as they constantly complain to me about how he's been mean to them or keeps shouting. I don't even bother to try and defend him anymore - he's in the wrong the majority of the time, I'm not going to tell my kids that his attitude is OK.

Anyway.... I think I'm going to quit breastfeeding. I just can't do it anymore. I'm too tired, fed up and I don't have time anymore. I've got virtually no support going on at home and I'm just really tired of feeling used, ignored, neglected, ill, in pain, harrassed and generally made to feel like I'm a peice of shit you scrape off your shoe and whinge about to your Mum.

I went for a blood test today. It's the baseline test for my INR or whatever. Tomorrow I start on a high dose of Warfarin and then have to watch closely for any "problems" over the weekend. On Monday I go back to have another blood test to check my INR levels again... Then probably go back every day next week from what she said.

Poor little Lacey-Rose has a cold again, so is snuffling away in the background... Raistlin and Ashton are fighting over a couple of video's even though we don't have a VCR to play them on anymore and Martin is slamming around in the kitchen and whinging at me every time he lays eyes on me.

And with that - I'm going out!!! LOL I'm going to go and look at handbags or fashionable shoulder bags seeing as I now have to carry around my anticoagulation record everywhere I go.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Oh great! Lacey-Rose is 8 weeks old today and guess who reared her ugly face?! Yep, that's right - AF is in the house and I'm pretty peeved by it! I hate bleeding at the best of times, but I had thought I might be lucky and not have an AF whilst I was breastfeeding... Soooo annoyed that after all the pain and problems I've had that I didn't even get a break from AF out of it.

I think actually I'm on the verge of quitting breastfeeding. I have killer thrush that is not budging and am in a lot of pain with that. On top of the fact I'll be virtually living in my GP surgery next week, and with everything that's gone on since I gave birth I'm just really tired and fed up - I want to feel normal again and breastfeeding really isn't helping me right now...

But then I feel so guilty for stopping... Especially when I struggled through everything else. I almost died and I still breastfed, I argued non-stop over the treatment I got and even refused treatment that would have made my recovery a lot quicker and easier to feed LR, I delayed going on warfarin until I was told I could breastfeed whilst on it and now, after all that, I want to quit?! I really hoped to get to six months this time - I made 3 months with Ashton before I became so ill it was unsafe for me to even hold him and my supply dried up almost overnight... I would have thought I'd feel proud of myself for lasting 8 weeks after all I've been through and yet I don't. I feel guilty for wanting to give up now, but I just don't feel able to go on anymore either. I'm pushing myself but I'm not particularly enjoying it and now neither is she as she's fussed after every feed yesterday and today until she was given formula....

And AF turning up is not helping my bad mood!!!! Especially when I so desperately want another baby and can't have one yet.... Sad

I've started my Warfarin today as well, and am still having to inject daily with heparin and the mood I'm in now thanks to AF is like "great, what else is going to go wrong for me next"...

Anyway, just needed to rant a bit... Am feeling a bit better having written this all out. Am just annoyed really as today I started to finally feel a little bit happier and then bam something else went wrong. Almost feels like I'm not ALLOWED to feel happy anymore because every time I do something goes wrong. Sad



Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I was wrong, AF hasn't turned up... I have no idea what my body is upto these days. It just feels tired and ill most of the time and doesn't do anything I expect it too anymore.

Oh, I'm back to breastfeeding... Well trying anyway. I went for almost 24 hours before the guilt got the better of me and I went back to it. But at least now, despite the pain and thrush problems I am feeling a bit better about it.

We had a good weekend... Saturday we had a friend, Steve, over and went out to see the Light Fantastic up the city centre. They've never done it before and it was really good - I hope they do it every year! We watched a lady doing ballet whilst floating underneath this giant globe in the air which changed colour and looked really quite eerily spooky but beautiful.... Had a couple of drinks, bought the boys some light saber type swords and LR some bunny ears that light up and change colour (pics below!). We watched the illuminated parade go past and then watched the laser and firework show before heading home for dinner. By which time the boys and I were shattered so we left Martin and Steve chatting and went to bed!

Then on Sunday I woke up super early and couldn't get back to sleep... So rather cruelly I woke everyone else up and insisted we went to the car boot sale!!!! Lol Nobody minded though once we got there it was quite good fun and we bought some cheap stuff...

Today I had to go to the Drs first thing for blood tests to check my INR levels. Apparently my last blood test showed that there is something up with my Iron levels (they didn't say what) so they took a sample for that too. I've got to call back in an hour to check what my INR level was and to see if I need to change my Warfarin dosage (currently on 5mg)... Tomorrow I've probably got to have more blood taken and I've also got a postnatal appointment, a baby check appointment and LR is having her first immunisation jabs... Joy!

Anyway, here's some pics from the weekend!

Tat under our sofa's... My little girlie cat turned out to be a little boy cat!!! And it's his favourite sleeping spot under there!

Lacey-Rose at the beginning of the Light Fantastic show!

Lacey-Rose in her full illuminated glory!

And slightly sideways (am too lazy to turn it around, sorry!) but this is all the boys, Martin and Lacey-Rose all showing off their lightie-uppie thingies!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Some photo's that were taken the other day.

Not a lot to report really... We've been mega busy this last week... So busy I can't even remember what we've done. Friday we had to go to Swaffham to do some Aura photo's for a Haunted Weekend event... Came back on Saturday and had our friends Jeff and Karen over for Indian take-away... Sunday we went to a wedding fayre to get idea's for our 10th anniversary and Rachell came with us and stayed the night... Today we've spent recovering at home and tomorrow we're off to do something around the Windsor area where we got married. Not sure what yet though. Martin's Mum wanted to have the boys for the day, so we're going to find something to do even if it's just a walk along the Thames...

Oh, I just this second got off the phone whilst I was typing here... My INR level has gone down again so apparently I don't have to have anymore blood tests for a week!!! Woohooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! I am so pleased as I look like a junkie who's being battered by my hubby at the moment with loads of needle marks all over my body and my arms are all green and blue from bruising and my hand is swollen too....

Only real problem now is my milk supply has gone down drastically - we're having to supplement LR more and more with each day that goes by... I have a feeling shortly it's going to dry up completely at this rate. Sad So not happy about that as I was just beginning to enjoy breastfeeding again and yet again I am having to struggle with it. I'll smack the next person who tells me that breastfeeding is easier then bottle feeding right in the face!!!! LOL Bottle feeding is SOOOOO much easier. No hassle, just run the steriliser in the evening, and that's about it! We use ready-made formula so no hassle with mixing, or boiling water or anything like that... Takes about three seconds to get a bottle ready.... Breastfeeding takes forever, plus it comes with so many problems and pains and is hard to get used to or do it right....

Only other thing is that I've started suffering really bad headaches recently. They come every day and are always on one side of my face (left side) and leave me unable to do anything much. I did tell the Dr about them but he didn't seem overly concerned about it...

Spending this week getting ready for our Halloween party on Saturday - can't wait!!!!

Anyway, just sent Martin out for fish and chips so going to go now and get ready for dinner!!!!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I am so tempted to go for an October 2008 baby... It's what I wanted before I'd even given birth to LR and to be told I can't go ahead is really bugging me. I can't get it out of my head. My next baby WILL be my last and I just want to get it over and done with. I know that whenever I do it, I'll have a hard pregnancy, full of complications and dangers but I can't leave it the way it is. I WANT one more. I'm not going to die or anything, I know that. I can feel it, if that makes sense? And it's really bugging me thinking that I can't get it over and done with for years. I'm going to spend those years thinking of nothing but what's to come and what I'll have to go through.

Plus it breaks my pattern and strangely I'm most upset about that aspect. I had my babies in a pattern, rather by accident, but now it doesn't feel right to break it. It feels like I'm jinxing myself or something. Kind of like having accidentally called the boys names that all kind of match and once you've done it twice or thrice you can't just stop there. I mean it would have been odd having a Tristan, a Jaeven, a Raistlin and a Bob!!!!

Plus I just have a "feeling" about October next year. Like I had a feeling about Christmas 2005, and I had a "feeling" about my 25th birthday. I can't ignore it because I'll spend my life wondering "what if". I'm a big believer in regret. You rarely regret the things you do, but you always regret the things you didn't do.

I don't know how I'm going to get over this. I don't know if I'll be able too. Martin is happy to go ahead with whatever makes me happy but I just don't know. I'm trying very hard to work through this and come to the conclusion that I can't and mustn't have another next October. That I MUST wait years and years. But it's really not working and the more I think about it the stronger the urge gets. I'm not worried about my health, I never have been. Yeah, I get sick but I always recover and it's not my time to die yet so I'm not even vaguely worried about that aspect.

Anyway, I might seek some private consultation on this. Maybe go see a private consultant about what the real risks are, seeing as all my healthcare providers just keep saying how I've got five already so I don't NEED a 6th. Makes me want to scream. Nobody NEEDS children, having children is always purely selfish, you never have them for unselfish reasons and how many children I do or don't have shouldn't even be an issue. It's MY choice. One even had the audacity, after I'd said I wanted another baby ASAP, to tell me that I didn't need another child as I already had so many, so they'd recommend sterilisation in my case although obviousely if I didn't have any children they'd have worked to accomodate my wishes. :shock: What the Hell?!!!!

Anyway, Martin went and got mine, JJs and LRs passports done today. Our holiday is in just over a week, I'm dreading it in one sense (we're going with friends of ours and I'm a sociable person, but everyday for almost two weeks and driving for close to 30hours almost straight there and back I will get cranky!) because I can be moody and looking forward to it in another cos I love driving and I love the sun and hate the cold!

My Dad is coming over today... The boys are looking forward to it, but they're really over excited so they're playing up a bit.

Tomorrow is our Halloween party - so expect loads of pics!!!!!!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Some quick links on PEs and blood clots for my referance later on;

Info about Thrombophilias and pregnancy

Info about Pulmonary Embolism (scary!)

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Well, I'm really quite upset... I have been doing a lot of research on Thrombophilia, which is what they think is wrong with me (although they haven't done tests to determine which type exactly!) and it's really scary... And then thinking about all the risks I'll be taking next time I get pregnant.

From what I've read the thrombophilia could also have caused my pre-eclampsia, my miscarriages, my heart problem I had with JJ, the blood clots... I'm sad because I had set my heart on Oct 08 baby before LR was born, but I am not closing off the thought of another baby, I just really want to wait until I'm in the all clear. But I need a date I can work towards, so for now we're saying Jan/Feb 2011 to start trying for another baby. I am very worried now. I was reading up on the symptoms, because when I asked my Dr about what symptoms of reoccurance I should look for once I'm off Warfarin and he wouldn't really discuss it with me... So I looked it up online and I had pretty much every symptom of this over the last few years and I can't help but wonder why nobody picked it up??? Even the more unusual symptoms I had them ALL. There wasn't a symptom I DIDN'T have.... Sad And then all the pregnancy complications, the pain, the fainting, the dizziness, the forgetfulness, the breathlessness... Everything.

So yeah, I'm scared and angry at the same time now.

Anyway, onto better things... We had our Halloween Party last Saturday. It was fantastic!!!!! We had tons of people come, the kids loved the bouncy castle and haunted jailhouse and everyone came in fancy dress for once! It was really good fun! Smile I can't wait for our next party at Christmas time! I went as a mad surgeon with blood all down my greens, Martin went as the Devil, Tristan went as a Vampire, Jaeven went as Batman, Raistlin went as a Bat, Ashton went as a Wizard and Lacey-Rose went as a Witch! Some of our friends took photo's so I'll have to cadge some from them!

Anyway, I suppose I'd better go. I've got a Chocolate for Chocoholids party to go to tonight... I was going to ask my Mum if she wanted to come with me, but I spoke to her this morning and she sounded really ill. I might phone her shortly and ask her anyway just incase she does want to come along!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Halloween was excellent!!!! I have some pics, they aren't very good but I'll post them up shortly anyway!

I am finding my August 07 birth board a really hard place to be at the moment. Not because the ladies are a problem - they aren't, they're all really wonderful and they're truely special people. But because it seems most of them are currently trying for another baby, some think they may even be pregnant already, and others are talking about when they will be trying again and I feel really sad about that because I so desperately wanted to be pregnant again soon. It's not that I'm not happy for them, because I am, and it doesn't bug me too badly to see pregnant ladies or talk to people trying for babies I just feel this overwhelming sadness invading me everytime the subject crops up. And truely that's so stupid - what have I got to be sad about?! I've got five - yes FIVE wonderful children who I adore but for some reason I just don't feel complete. It FEELS like someone is missing, I just wanted another one so much I suppose.

Ah well... I think I'm going to take a bit of a break from there for awhile. I read everyday but I don't post much at the moment because my life seems so different from theirs and now I'm finding it upsetting being there and talking about stuff I really want very badly and knowing they can have it but I can't because my stupid body is giving up on me slowly. And I truely believe that if I got pregnant now or anytime soon, I would die. I was in denial for awhile there, but I'm terrified now. And somedays I feel so ill I still think I may die. Sad I just want to be healthy now. I don't know if that will ever happen though - I haven't been healthy in years, I can't even really remember what being healthy feels like anymore.

I had another blood test today to check my INR levels. Just waiting on the results now... I'm not even going to guess as to whether my blood will be too thick like last time, or too thin like a short while ago...

I've got a busy few days ahead of us now... Tomorrow we're packing and getting the car ready for our drive to Spain. Then tomorrow night I am going to see Meatloaf!!!! Can't wait! Then Saturday I am supposed to be working at WitchFest International and then on Sunday we start the long drive to Spain!!!

Anyway, I am sick and I really need to rest. The last few days I've had a cold, as has Martin, my Mum, Ashton, Raistlin and Lacey-Rose and JJ don't seem too well either... Now my chest is really flaring up and I'm in a lot of pain, plus my hand has started hurting from where I stabbed myself on Saturday. It hurts more now then it did when I did it... The nurse was so concerned that she sent me straight in to see the Dr today. He said normally he'd have given my antibiotics to stop an infection seeing as it's only just started bruising, and the bruising is spreading and the pain growing but he doesn't want to give me antibiotics because of the Warfarin and the fact I'm on holiday in Spain for the next two weeks. As it is he has told me that the minute I get to Spain I am to check in at a local hospital or anticoagulant clinic and get my INR levels checked as apparently they're unstable.

Hmm... Think I forgot to mention the fact I stabbed myself the other day!!!! A couple of hours before our Halloween party was about to start I was getting stuff ready and using a knife, and stabbed myself right in the hand... I didn't realise at first what had happened. One minute I was opening a packet, then the next there was blood spurting from around my hand, looked over to see the knife I was using burried in my hand so I pulled it out and suddenly there was blood everywhere.

Note to self: don't stab yourself with very sharp steak knifes when you are on blood thinning drugs!!!!

Anyway, I applied immediate pressure and ran through to the kitchen, grabbed a towel on the way to try and protect our new carpet, got down on my knee's with my hand over the sink and a towel pressed tightly against the stab wound... Considering it was a bath towel the blood soaked through very quickly and wouldn't stop so at that point we decided to have Rachell who was there wondering what the Hell was happening, watch the kids, jumped in the car and got down to A&E... Went to the fron reception desk and told them I'd stabbed myself with a knife and was on blood thinning drugs and basically they whisked me straight in (must have really pissed off all the people who'd been stuck there for hours!). Thankfully because of where I'd stabbed myself and the shape and size of the knife I didn't need a stitch and by that time the bleeding had stopped unless I moved my hand.... Anyway, yesterday my hand started bruising really badly and today the pain is really bad - can't move my hand much at all. But it's OK. The bruising is because of the Warfarin and the pain although unexplained is probably nothing.

Anyway, I better get gathering clothes to pack up!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

So I haven't written anything in a few weeks. The Holiday left a LOT to be desired and just wasn't worth *****ing about. I had a girls night out but that was sort of ruined by the fact that Martin wanted me home early and then *****ed at me all the next day about stuff I'd said when I was drunk...

To be honest, I haven't really got anything to say these days. My life is pretty boring right now. Just starting up a new busines but I can't say I've got any real faith or interest in it so I won't bother talking about it. Martin has given up on his business now for some reason...

I think life has been so shite for our family for so long that all motivation has gone... Reminds me of a quote from Heroes;

“When I was a kid ... I used to wish some stranger would come and tell me my family wasn't really my family. They weren't bad people, they were just ... insignificant. And I wanted to be different. Special. I wanted to change. A new name, a new life. The watchmaker's son ... became a watchmaker. It is so futile. And I wanted to be ... important.”

That's pretty much how I feel right now.

I dunno, it's probably stupid but I just want to be somebody for once. I want to be important, or I want to be special, or I want to be different, or I want to do something unusual and instead I'm sat here writing in this journal about how shite my life is. That's pretty damn sad right there!

Anyway. I'm thinking about getting myself an education. I don't know in what. I'm thinking something different. Something I've not thought of until now. I'm a pretty imaginative person so I'm sure whatever I do I can turn it around to suit myself... Just need to gain some inspiration first. I've sent off for some prospectus'... I have got a favourite but I won't bother to mention it yet.

I've kind of reached the stage, where I feel like my life is going nowhere quick. Or nowhere at all! I'm fed up of failed or failing businesses, I'm fed up of things going wrong. God, even if it means dumping my younger kids in childcare all day I've got to do something. My brain is going mental otherwise and I'll become depressed again if I don't DO something soon.

Little Lacey-Rose is ill. She's got a pretty nasty eye infection and a cold. JJ is very hoarse. Tristan has started playing up at school. Ashton has reached the terrible two's early and Raistlin is lost in the middle somewhere. Martin has just given up on life and I'm lost.... I don't know where I am or what I should do but I feel I should do something. And this may sound really odd but all my life, even when I was horrendousely bullied at school I felt like I was supposed to be somebody, or do something... I've spent years being depressed or feeling stuck because I never became the person I thought I should be and now's the time to stop that.

So. I'm not sure what the next step is... But it'll come to me. Good idea's almost always come to me, I just never acted on them before!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

So I haven't been around for awhile because I lost my net connection and only just got it back last night... Things are going pretty well here right now. Everything is good! Lacey-Rose is 4 and a bit months old and absolutely gorgeous! She's had her 2nd imms and due her 3rd ones this month, she's found her feet, she's rolling, she shuffles across the floor, she's babbling and we're just about to start her on solids. Only downer really is she's pretty much stopped breastfeeding and normally it wouldn't bother me but I don't know if I'll ever be able to breastfeed again and it makes me sad to even contemplate that this part of my life is probably over.

It's really bad... I keep hanging around on the TOC board and torturing myself. I know it's probably unlikely that I will be able to have another baby. There was mention recently that I may have Lupus or some form of Thrombophilia and they've basically said if that's the case then they would be against me having more children. Some days I'm OK with it and others it really gets to me and I can't stop crying.

In lighter news my baby, Ashton, turned two on Boxing Day!!!! I can't believe how big he is... Where did the time go?! How has it been two years since he was born? Doesn't really seem possible!!!!

We are currently just waiting for an appointment for Tristan to see the Audiology department at the hospital as there's a chance he has a hearing problem... I don't really want to say too much about it as I'm not sure there is a problem yet so I'd rather just wait for now! Well, there's obviousely a problem somewhere but we aren't sure what it is, is probably what I mean!!!!

Raistlin has turned into a sweet little boy again. I think he's finally come out of the terrible two's now as his personality is back to the little cutie he used to be before he turned 2!!! Only problem is Ashton seems to be entering that stage now!!!! LOL Joy!

Christmas was OK... Glad it's over now though, I really don't like Christmas anymore these days. So stressful and so expensive and pointless. Bah humbug!!!!! LOL

Oh, and my cousin is pregnant with baby #1!!!! So excited for her.... She's due at the end of August I think, so Lacey-Rose and her baby will only be a year apart!!!!!! How cool is that?!

We're supposed to be going on a bike ride today. It started out as a walk and somehow escalated to a bike ride. Only problem is I haven't ridden a bike since I was much younger and I don't really remember enjoying bike riding after I got run over that time, so not really looking forward to it. I'd rather walk but apparently everyone else is going on a bike so I suppose I'd better follow suit!

New Years Resolutions? Hmmm... Only have a couple;
Get fit and healthy (and hopefully slimmer!)
Have cosmetic dentistry
Get our businesses up and running properly
Be a better housewife and mother and take better care of the house!

I'm starting it all on Monday when Martin goes back to "work".... Not sure how I'm going to manage as I get very tired and breathless but I'm sure I'll get used to it!

Suppose I better go and prepare myself for the horror of riding a bike after all these years!!!! LOL

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Yep! I'm officially obsessing! IF I am able to have another baby then this is how long I have to wait!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Urgh... I am beginning to think that there is very definately something wrong with me. I am tired constantly, and I ache all the time especially if I've done more exercise then normal the day before. I've been getting headaches, stomach cramps, feeling sick, extremely heavy bleeding during AF, shortened cycles but MUCH longer bleeding.... Well, my cycles now consist of my virtually heamorraghing (sp?) for 10 days or more, then it starts all over again 10 days or less later. My apetite is gone too and now I'm barely eating or drinking anything and yet I've put on masses of weight and weigh almost 13stone! I keep going dizzy and my muscles sometimes "flick" or "shudder"....

I've been trying not to moan to anyone about it, but I AM getting worse and now I can barely drag myself out of bed most days. I've been forcing myself to do stuff, like try to keep up with housework, getting into bed early, and getting up earlier then I normally would, running around after the kids and trying to exercise but I don't know how much longer I can go on. Somedays I feel so ill (and yet I can describe HOW I feel ill or what's wrong with me exactly) I wish I had died when the blood clots almost finished me off just so I wouldn't feel so bad or be in so much pain.

All in all though I am happy-ish. If I'm having a bad day then I feel awful but I don't actually feel too depressed. That just seems to come and go every few months and at the moment I'm having a good run, so I hope it stays away for awhile now.

I've got a Drs appointment tomorrow at 8:30am... I've got to have an internal to see if they can see any obvious cause for the massively excessive bleeding (it's so heavy I soak through 2 pads an hour for about 5 days in a row and am left weak and faint). Cysts were mentioned, they also want to do a Smear asap (not at this appointment though as it's apparently too soon since I had LR) to rule out any nastier problems. If nothing shows up then they'll just assume it's the warfarin either way there is nothing they can do for me. I can't come off the warfarin yet, and am too unstable to start trying to decrease my dosage around the time my period is due, and they can't give me any of the meds they normally would to stop my period because of the risk that I will suffer more clots as a result.

They don't really know what's wrong with me is that it boils down too. Lupus was mentioned, I almost certainely have some form of thrombophilia as the sheer amount of clots I had was not normal. Other things like ME were also mentioned but the truth is they just don't know what's wrong or how to deal with it. And there's nothing that can be done until I am safely (?!) off the warfarin and they aren't even willing to try to treat the symptoms as apparently there is some concern that despite the warfarin I could still suffer from serious blood clots.

I give up to be honest. I don't care what's wrong with me, or how they deal with it I just want the pain and tiredness and constantly feeling ill to go away.

Tomorrow they're doing blood tests, my regular INR (levels were too high at the end of last week) and the internal. I don't know what else will happen or not happen. I don't even know really who I'm seeing. I kind of don't listen now as I find it frustrating to be told it might be this or that but there's nothing we can do about it yet so I kind of stopped listening awhile ago. Probably have all my facts mixed up or wrong anyway as my memory is shot to hell these days. That's the other frustrating thing... My memory is all but gone - I get half way through a sentance and suddenly mid word I've forgotten what I was talking about, or what I was saying, or how I meant it, I've even forgotten before mid-word that I even was talking apparently. It must be really frustrating talking to me at the moment in person!!!! LOL

On a lighter front I am thinking of trying to relactate Lacey-Rose. I really regret quitting breastfeeding and have done some reading and it seems I may be able to relactate so I can feed her properly again, especially as I am still able to express some milk. Apparently it's really hard work but I'm thinking I should give it a go.... This could be my only chance to breastfeed ever again.

Anyway, I'm going to head off to bed. It's 9:30pm and I know I won't be able to get to sleep much... Despite being horribly tired all the time I can't seem to sleep properly.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I am beginning to get concerned now... AF still hasn't shown up, which in itself isn't a problem as I know I couldn't be pregnant, it's just not really possible (and if it was it'd be a bloody miracle of nature!!!)... My main concern is the later and later it is, the closer and closer it brings me to what would have been my ideal due date had I not gotten ill and been able to have the baby I planned to have.

I mean my plan had been to get pregnant this next month/cycle... Especially if it gave me any hope of having a Halloween baby. That wasn't really a reality though as had my cycle been normal I wouldn't have stood a hope of having a Halloween baby...

Now with each passing day it's getting closer to being a Halloween due date and God, how am I going to stop myself? I'm really worried the temptation will get to be too great and I'll take the risk and see if "fate" brings me a Halloween baby... I'm not so worried about the whole dying thing anymore. Apparently I could die at anytime anyway and there's nothing they can do about it so why should I live my life in a way I don't want to in the hope I may live a bit longer. I mean, if I'm going to die I'm going to die right?! Even now my lungs are still filling with clots, and there's nothing they can do about it. It's just a case of hoping the medication breaks them down (or whatever it's supposed to do).

Oh God... I'm just worried with each passing day.... I'm already at a 25th October EDD if I got pregnant this month... A few more days and it would be likely that I'd get my Halloween baby... How do I stop myself??!!! I mean it's all very well people saying "you might die" or "you've got to think of your other children"... But that doesn't stop me wanting it. I rarely have easy pregnancies so surely (in my warped thinking right now) it's better to just get it over with and then have the rest of my life to get better, get healthy and heal without worrying about babies?!

I don't know... I'm just very worried that I will end up with an "accidentally-but-subconsciousely-on-purpose" pregnancy.... I mean I would be happy to get pregnant again soon - it suits me better. Nobody is ever pleased for us when we announce we're having a new baby anyway, it's not like it was for my cousin with the whole family being really excited for them... People basically are just doom and gloom when I'm pregnant. "Oh, ANOTHER baby, don't you know what causes that yet?!" Or "You'll probably only miscarry it anyway so why bother being excited" or even worse "Oh no... You're wrecking your body, you'll probably DIE this time" comments.... I don't know why but people just don't think when they say these things. That's why I try to be so careful with what I say to other women who're either newly pregnant or experiencing infertility or whatever... It's sad that the people who have always been happiest and congratulated me without judgement on my pregnancies are the people here on pg.org.... Sad

If I can stop myself from getting pregnant this next cycle then I'll be able to wait until 2011. That would mean LR would be in school full time by then and I'd have a chance to get healthy and possibly get Dr clearance and support..... I'm just praying and spending a lot of time trying to curb my feelings right now, because I FEEL like NOW is the right time. Like THIS is when my LAST baby should be born.... How do I turn those feelings off?????! I need to figure out a way though because I'm not stupid enough to pretend that it would be safe now. It wouldn't. I'd be risking my life and be at very real risk of death.

And that's not good! (Obviousely!)

I mean looking back I kind of knew (but didn't) with Raistlin that I would have a Valentines baby (didn't realise quite how pregnant I was though until I went for tests and they told me!). He was actually born 10 days before Valentines but still! I knew point blank that Ashton would be a Christmas baby, to the extent that I even put off trying until I was sure I would be close to a Christmas day due date! And I knew with Lacey-Rose that I would have a daughter within a day either side of my 25th birthday. Now I KNOW I will have an Halloween baby (or close!).

I really just need to get through this cycle. One way or another. I'm almost tempted to try and just see if it happens. I mean, if it's meant to be, it'll be right?! I'm not actively trying for a baby but this was the month I was supposed to get pregnant, so if I'm still meant to be pregnant it'll happen anyway won't it?! And if it doesn't it's a sign that I'm supposed to wait until at least 2011.


I may not post much for a week or so.

I'm working on a lot of things and trying to work through this is going to take a lot of my energy I'm sure.... Sad

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Urgh I am so annoyed with myself right now....

I knew temptation would get the better of me....

I'm gonna see my warfarin nurse on Wednesday and tell her we had a slip up....

I knew we wouldn't get through this month without a drunken slip up. I just knew it. We've never been good at abstaining or using contraception. I did warn them of this though....

Oh well. I suppose what will be, will be. Sad

If sperm live for upto 5 days then I'm too near for comfort... (not close but near) Sad In a way I'm kind of happy, because what will be will be... But in a way I really wish I hadn't gone ghost-hunting, then not slept in 48 hours due to work, then had two bottles of wine, then had sex!!!!!!

I really need a bloody hobby!

Does conception count as a hobby? I dunno!

Sad My nurse is gonna be so pissed off.... Sad I'm dreading my appointment on Wednesday, they went to great lengths to tell me not to do this and I promised I wouldn't but... Well.... I'm just not that strong!!!!!

In a way I'm kind of pleased, because I always hoped for an Oct 08 baby and this way whether I get pregnant or not, I'll never have the "what if's" and also spent a lot of hours today doing research which seems to say so long as I find out quickly and go to my GP and come off my meds and go on heparin then the risks are fairly low for the baby... And in another sense, I'm not sure it's a good thing at all....!!!! But I THINK that's because I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant and nobody was happy for me (so what else is new!) because I was on Warfarin and had to stop my treatment so everyone was fussing about it.

Meh, as I said, what will be will be. You can't stop fate I suppose. If I'm meant to get pregnant then I suppose I will and if I'm not then I'm going to be more careful from now until 2011!!!! Smile I'm happy either way cos I know one day I will have my 6th and last baby and I know it'll happen when it's supposed to, no sooner and no later. I know a lot of people find my thinking hard to contemplate, but I really do believe that we're meant to have or do certain things, and nothing we can do will stop it from happening. If I'm meant to die in pregnancy (and I KNOW I'm not) then not getting pregnant won't stop me from dying - I'll just get hit by a bus instead!!! If I'm not meant to have anymore children then all the fertility medications in the world won't make it happen, in just the same way as if I'm meant to have another baby then no contraception is going to stop it... So why worry?!

But Damn! I feel like slapping my wrists right now and banning Martin from the house, as I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen and one drunken and sleep deprived evening and what do I do???!!!!!! I've really got to learn to control myself!!!!

Urgh.... I don't know whether to be pleased or annoyed right now... :eek: Or maybe a tad scared....



Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I am obsessing.... I vaguely thought about starting a new journal in the TTC section, but I'm not REALLY TTC yet and I think it would just make my obsession worse!!

I can feel my body gearing up to Ovulate now and am getting excited. DH and I have BD a few times since our slip, we figured we'd just go for it this month and what will happen, will happen. I am really, not so secretly, hoping I get pregnant and get the October 08 baby I so desperately want! I don't even care about gender as much as I thought I would, I just want to finish my family now and October 08 always seemed like the right time to me!

So, I bought a pack of ten 10miu pregnancy tests off Ebay yesterday, they're from my regular supplier so I know they're good and I'm expecting them to turn up tomorrow... I'm thinking I'll probably O in the next two days and really hoping to catch that egg!!!

I'm really obsessing over the whole thing now though... Even down to working out what my EDD would be (27th October) and what names I like best (Sienna for girl, Rhydian for boy!) and what I'm going to tell my Dr (it was an accident), and how I'll announce it to my DH (valentines card I'm thinking), and how I'm dreading having to tell everyone else, and how I'm going to try and find out the gender at the NT scan again like last time.... I'm even thinking about blinking birth options and I've not even ovulated yet!!!! How crazy and obsessed is that?!!!! LOL

I know I'm going to be really disappointed if I don't get pregnant this month. In a way it'd be better because well, I'm not particularly fit, but then in another way I've never been fit for pregnancy really so what's the difference?! The only difference is now we know how unfit I am and how to help it and what's likely to happen - which in my mind sounds a hell of a lot better then when I was TTC my last few children, knowing I'd be ill and sick but not knowing really why or what would happen next.

I know it's bad, and I know I shouldn't and I know I'm selfish but damn I can't help it - I really want to be pregnant again!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

I had two wisdom teeth out on Tuesday and am in agony.... I haven't eaten a thing since Tuesday morning, it's now Thursday afternoon and I don't think I'm going to be able to eat anything tonight either. Yesterday was the worst day, my face was so swollen, I felt really woozy, was in absolute agony and then felt sick on top of it all! I think I felt sick because I took too many co-codamol... You're only supposed to have four doses every 24hours, and I was taking them religiousely every 4 hours since I got home on Tuesday so went well over the recommended daily doseage.

Although that said, I haven't had any painkillers at all today and I feel sick, but I think that might be because I haven't eaten since Tuesday morning. I do feel hungry but the pain is just too much to eat. I even tried soup and scrambled egg and even that was too painful to eat. I am barely managing to drink a glass of milk every few hours never mind anything else.

That said, I do feel marginally better today... The pain is bad but not unbearable like yesterday. The swelling is still bad but not as bad as yesterday too.

On a pregnancy front I don't know what's going on yet. I am planning on taking a test on valentines day and then if I am doing something cute to tell Martin. Not sure what yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something. If it wasn't for the trip to the dentists and feeling so bad afterwards I would be certain that I am pregnant by now, but I'm not sure if it's symptoms I'm having or a side-effect of the sedation/painkillers etc etc... So far symptoms are;
Mild cramping - probably as a result from not eating for several days?
Headaches - probably as a result of the dental work?
Neausea - probably as a result of the sedation/over dosing on painkillers?
I also feel really congested, like I'm coming down with a cold, which is a common pregnancy symptom for me, I'm really tired but again I haven't eaten properly in several days so maybe I'm just weak and my face has broken out badly, which I don't know why that would have happened but it has....

I'm not sure what to think of the pregnancy front. I Od earlier then normal this month - that in itself is strange. If I am pregnant then the baby obviousely really, REALLY wants to be here!!! LOL I'm worried though - how will we afford it? We'll need a bigger car in all probability too which will set us back quite a bit... Where will we put him/her? What if the drugs I'm on cause problems or make the baby sick or deformed? Then there are even more serious concerns like the fact that I could die... I know I'm not going too but it's a very real risk I suppose. Although I'm not too worried. They know roughly what is wrong with me and how to treat me now, and they'll probably keep a very, very close eye on my health and my status... So I'm less worried about the risk to my health then I was before because at least now they know kind of what the problem is and will take care of me rather then leaving me to rot like they did before.

I don't know whether to be excited or scared... I think I'm more worried about the financial side of things then anything else... But then thinking about names, and planning where he/she will go in the house and the excitement of being pregnant and bringing a new life into the world. Very exciting and scary. And financially I suppose things always work out eventually...

Urgh... I just want to get to next week, and take the damn tests and see whether or not I am. If I'm not then I can move on and wait until 2011 and if I am, well then we'll deal with it and be happy I'm sure!