What I learned from my daughter

32 posts / 0 new
Last post
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
What I learned from my daughter

Julia Paige was born on March 4th at 1:14am. At that time I was approx 25 weeks pregnant. Her life was short, 13 minutes to be exact. None of those minutes were spent with me or my husband. Instead they were spent with doctors and nurses trying to keep her alive. We were in the room just watching and waiting. It's been just short of 4 weeks now. In some way I miss her everyday, but I think I've accepted what has happened. I no longer feel the need to cry over our loss all the time. I see her picture and I smile. It's the same when I talk about her. I'm not about to fool myself into thinking I'll never have another bad day, I still do and know I always will. What I also know is that in her short life she taught me and my husband more than anyone else ever has. She was an amazing person that deserves more credit than she will probably ever receive. Through this process Joel and I have learned to talk again. How to be a couple again, instead of just living in our daily rut. We've also learned to appreciate the things we do have, like each other and our son more than ever. It's funny how when something is there everyday you begin to take it for granted. I've always loved both of them, but now I realize how much I do and how much they love me in return! I thank Julia everyday for the things she helped me to see. And I know I would do it all over again just for those few minutes. Because in the end even the minutes matter.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

What a weird day this is turning out to be emotionally. I keep havng these thoughts of how it's almost been 4 weeks since we lost Julia. Along with that thought comes one where I think...wow, it's been 4 weeks, we've made it this far. That thought makes me feel good because I'm proud of the progress we've made. But at that same time I have all of those thoughts I think...it's been 4 weeks, she would be 4 weeks old if she had made it. All those things mixed together just leave me more unsure of how to feel than anything. I don't really feel good, but at the same time I don't really feel bad either.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yesterday never really got any better or any worse. I did have a bad moment when I got a package from a family friend. She had started a quilt for Julia and felt it needed to be finished and still be for her. It's a beautiful little girly quilt, all pinks and yellows. I wonder if Julia would have liked it? In my head she would have been more of a tomboy. I was convinced she would have preferred hockey to princesses.

It seems strange that today is the official 4 week mark. I feel ok today. I do miss her a lot though. I had a really could cry about everything just the other night with my husband after we had gone to bed. It lasted for about an hour but it really felt good! I try very hard not to cry in front of my son too much. It's not that I think he shouldn't see me cry, but he's 20 months old and it really seems to upset him. I thought today would be a good day to write out her birth story, but I don't seem to have it in me. I guess that strength will come another day...I hope!

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It took me half of the day to figure out why I was so mean and crabby yesterday. Everything for the last month has just run completely together, and I couldn't tell you what day of the week it is let alone the date. It wasn't until I was reminded that it ws the 4th that I came to the realization that it was Julia's 1 month mark. The funny thing is I expected to feel bad on Sat which was the 4 week mark, but I really didn't. I was pretty much just here doing my thing, nothing really good or bad. But yesterday I didn't see coming. What a slap of reality that was! Joel and I talked about seeing someone to talk to last night. We aren't sure yet if we want to, or which direction we would go if we did (private therapist or group). I have the number for both a support group and a private therapist, and both came recomended by the staff at the hospital. The thing is, when we talk about it Joel basically says it's up to me, whichever I think would be more helpful. Don't know why it has to be up to me. I thought it would be more beneficial if we made the decision together. I can make a decision for myself, but as a couple I would liek some input. I think I'll talk to him again, it can't hurt.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

The week after Julia was born my sister and her boyfriend were on their way to visit and were in a pretty bad car accident. My sister spent a week in the hospital with a collapsed lung and compound fracture to one of her vertebrae. After being stuck here for weeks (I guess almost a month now) she finally got to go back home yesterday. It was nice to have her around again. Guess I got used to it, I miss her more than I thought I would.

Easter was just that, Easter. We had baskets and a family dinner. It was nice I guess. I spent most of the day feeling rotten. I missed Julia all day yesterday so much so that it hurt. I wonder if every holiday will be like that from now on.........

I saw my doctor last week. He seems to suspect that I have retained some tissue from Julia's birth. He scheduled me for an u/s and put me on all kinds of hormones. I wonder if that's part of why I feel so bad. I know my feelings will come and go, but honestly, there are moments recently when it feels as bad as it did the first week. My doc also told me they got the pathology back on the placenta and it showed an infection. So now I have a reason. The day he told me, it felt good. I had some closure. He also asked when and if we planned on trying again and talked about how closely I would be monitored. That made me feel better. Right now I go back and forth about trying again. We got the green light to try in 3 months time. It seems so far away and so soon all at the same time. I'm anxious to move on but terrified to try again. How do I get past that? We decided to wait the 3 months out and see how we feel then... no need to rush into a decision now. All I do know for sure is that given the choice my son will not grow up an only child, so at some point I have to be ready to face my fears.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's been 8 weeks today since we lost Julia. That's so hard to believe! At one moment it feels like it's been forever since she was born and the next it feels like it was just yesterday. We're taking steps at moving forward. Not forgetting this, just moving past it. I had a good u/s appt last week, they found no tissue. I see my doc soon, and in a little over a month we can try again if we want. We both seem to want to. The more we talk about it the more it feels like the right thing to do.

Tomorrow we're doing the March of Dimes walk. Between me and my DH we've raised around $1000. It feels good to be doing something that can potentially help others from going through this. In some ways I wish I could do more.

I think if I have some more time later I'll finally write out Julia's birth story. I'm feeling a little rushed now and don't want that to be how it gets written.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I got my first + hpt with Julia on 10-8-05. To be completely honest I could barely believe it. At that time we weren't really trying and had just agreed that we would start to try for our second baby. I tested everday for close to a week just because I was so surprised by the +. The best part of being pregnant the seond time around was that my husband was really excited too. Not just scared to death like he was the first time.

We had a little scare early on, at around 6 weeks, when I had some spotting. It turned out to be nothing. A little external irritation, which was confirmed with an u/s that showed us a tiny, tiny baby with a good strong heartbeat! I was given a shot of rhogam as a precaution and sent home with a picture of our little bean!

From there on, things weren't totally uncomplicated, but went on without any real major concerns. In mid January (at around 19 weeks) I was sent to labor and delivery for unexplained cramps. I was hooked up to a monitor for a few hours and had a few labs done. Since Julia was fine, I wasn't having contractions, and all my labs were normal I was sent home.

She was such an active baby! I started to feel her flutters early on. At around 14 weeks I was laying down with my son and had my arm resting on my belly. I got the strongest most incredible little kick! There were days I swore she never stopped moving. I would wake up to her kicking in the morning, she would kick and flip all day long, I would wake up to her moving in the middle of the night! We had multiple u/s just so they could check all of her "parts" because the tech could never get all the shots she needed...Julia would just never stay still long enough.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

The week we lost Julia was awful from the start! It began with DS waking us screaming one morning at a little before 6. Shortly after that he was coughing and wheezing so hard he vomited. We got him to the doc's office as soon as they were open and found out he had croupe. He was given a breathing treatment and put on steroids. After a day or two he was mostly all better. By Fri I was miserably sick with a terible cold, which I was told I probably got from DS. Everyone that spends a lot of time around DS normally came down with the same cold too. I was feeling especially rotten and spent most of the day in bed. I was also running a fever of around 102, no one else that had the cold was running a fever, but I just assumed it went with the cold. Talked to my doc and he said to take tylenol and try to keep my fever down, but I should be fine. By 10 pm I was having regular contractions, and by 10:30 or 11pm (I can't remember exactly anymore) I was admitted to labor and delivery. By the time I got there I had started having bloody show, and the intial exam showed bulging membranes. I was immediately given a mag sulfate IV to try to stop labor and given a steroid injection. But nothing could be done. Things progressed so rapidly. She was born at 1:14 am, just barely over 3 hours since I had noticed any signs of labor.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

My regular OB was not there the night Julia was born. It was a "fill in" from out of town. My doc was on vacation, unfortunately. The doc that was there was nice enough, but very much a doctor! He was very clinical and tried to be soothing, but you could tell it just made him uncomfortable. Our DS's pediatrician was the one that happened to be on call that night. He was the one that performed CPR on Julia for the 13 minutes that she lived. When they told us she had passed I reached over to my DS's doc and thanked him for trying. When he looked at me he started to cry, and said he was so sorry! I didn't know what to do...I've never seen a doc cry before. I know how hard he tried. I also know he knew how much we wanted our daughter! He's a wonderful man and that just made me feel even better that we chose him to be our DS's doc.

I think my OB has some feelings of guilt about not being there when Julia was born. Every time I see him, and it's been quite a lot lately, he takes a lot of time to just talk to me and apologizes for being out of town when it happened. I saw him on Tues, and he said we could start trying again this next cycle if we wanted. He then said if it wasn't happening fast enough for my taste to call him and he would help us out. He also said he wanted to know as soon as I got a + hpt. It almost feels like he's trying to make up for not being there when we lost Julia. He is a wonderful doc and a very kind man.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I hadn't realized how long it had been since I had written anything in my journal! Things have been crazy. I got an unexpected + on an hpt over the weekend. I wasn't even supposed to be trying yet. We thought we were being careful, but got sloppy after I thought I O'd. My mother always says things happen for a reason, I hope she's right. I have this odd feeling that I got pg again because I was meant to be. I guess we'll just wait and see. My EDD is 2/7. It's gonna be a long 9 months! I hope I can get through it.

We went to the cemetary over the weekend. I realized once we got there that I hadn't been to "see" Julia since the week she died. I took a pack of forget-me-not seeds and "accidentally" spilled them over her grave, along with a bottle of water I happened to have with me. We're really not supposed to plant anything there, but technically I can still say I didn't plant anything. I couldn't stay long, it was all too emotional for me. I felt like a bad person for not going there more often. That upset me more than anything and I cried like I hadn't cried in a very long time. It was also one of those moments when I realized just how much I still miss her. I can go on and live a normal life, but I'm always gonna miss her and wonder what she would have been like.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

No need to worry about getting through 9 months anymore. Things just weren't meant to be I guess. I started bleeding lightly yesterday, by this morning it was full on bright red blood. It somehow doesn't seem fair. I feel stupid saying that, but I just lost a baby in March and now this, and I don't feel like I can trust my body anymore!

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I hit the 3 month mark on Sun. It wasn't a good day. It seems like now that it's June there really aren't any good days. Maybe after I hit her EDD it will get better. I seem to be having all this anxiety building. Each day I think it would be x number of days until my c-section was scheduled. It's less than a week now from when she was supposed to arrive and it seems strange that she's already been here and gone. Weird thing is it feels like it was just yesterday, but at the same time it feels like it was forever ago. I just want to hold her again.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Funny how one day can change your perspective. I'm actually having a good day. Crappy allergies today, but emotionally great! Had so much fun with my son. We went to the playground a couple of times, blew bubbles, took a walk , and made kool-aid (he was VERY helpful). My feelings today were more along the "I have a beautiful son and a wonderful husband" lines. Today I feel special because those two wonderful people are part of my life.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today was supposed to be Julia's birthday. I thought I would feel so much worse than I do. I cried the entire week before hand. I was so afraid of what today would bring. Today I can think of my daughter and smile. I can look and her pictures and know that everything is ok. And I think in honor of what would have been her birthday I want to put her picture in my journal. This is my daughter Julia Paige, born 3/4/06 at 1:14 am, died 3/4/06 at 1:27 am, she was blonde just like her brother, and she is loved more than she will ever know!

Julia with her Nana's hand, my favorite picture of her!

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I don't know if I want this ticker in my siggy anymore. I don't know if I want the constant reminder of how long it's been since I lost my daughter. At first it made me feel better, now it just depresses me! I think for now at least I need to take it off. Today has been 4 months. In four months I've made some progress and had a few set backs too. But I don't need to know everday how long it's been since I lost her anymore.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Isn't it funny how I couldn't get rid of the ticker all together. I had to put it in my journal for safe keeping. Too much like giving up Julia I suppose!

My DH and I are talking about me going back to work. In a lot of ways it would be so good for us. Help clear up some debt we have a little more quickly. Give me more things to think about then just my family. But at the same time, I've been with Jacob since the day he was born. The only other people that have taken care of him are my DH and my parents. If I went back to work he'd have to go to daycare. That scares me. I don't know if it's fear of how he'd be treated or just a general fear that it means he's growing up. He'll be 2 in Aug....I can hardly believe it. Where the time went I don't know. He just got a haircut and it made me so sad....he looks like such a big boy now! I think we're going to see the day care this afternoon. All we're doing is looking though. I always said that after he was 2 I would look into preschool or daycare a couple of days a week so he could be around other children. Now that it's fast approaching though I'm not so sure!

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

We had my son's 2nd birthday party over the weekend. It was nice. My sister was there and his grandparents were all there. He seemed to have fun. My sister gave him a harmonica which was a huge hit. Once he opened that he wanted nothing to do with the rest of his gifts!
This weekend I'm going to visit my gram for her birthday. The thought scared the heck out of me. It's going to be a lot of family that I haven't seen since before we lost Julia. I'm terrified that someone will say something or give me that pathetic look (the one I get from people who know and feel bad for me but are too afraid to say anything) and I'll just break down. My gram isn't exactly known for her tact, if it's on her mind she says it...that worries me!
I miss my baby girl so much lately. I lay awake a lot of nights thinking about her. I don't really want to, but I can't stop it. On my sons birthday we were sitting on the front porch when a butterfly flew up onto the porch and all around us for quite a while. I know it was silly, but I told him it was his baby sister's way of wishing him a happy birthday! The funny thing is, since that day, everywhere my son and I go there's a butterfly. Even the other day sitting in traffic, a butterfly flew in the window, flew around both of us and then out the other window. Makes me wonder I guess!

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

At my son's 2 year check up his doc suggested I get him evaluated by a speech therapist. He does talk, but not a lot. His development on every other level has been right on or ahead of schedule. His doc isn't overly concerned, but wants to head off any possible problems. He said it's most likely just a lag in verbal development and nothing really serious. Today I met a caseworker from an early intervention program. She came and got his history form birth to present, met my son, and filled out paperwork. She seemed to think he was doing pretty well, and was encouraged by what she saw. That should make my DH feel better. He was pretty upset when I told him the doc had suggested this. I think he worries that there might really be something wrong. But I spend every day with my son and I know he's very bright and VERY stubborn. He has four adults that will do anything and everything he wants or needs without asking...why should he talk? Anyway the woman will call back next week sometime and set up an appt with someone to do the initial evaluation. Then we go from there.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Wow it's been so long since I've written anything in here! Days just keep coming and going one after another.

Jacob had his evaluation at the end of August and he passed all the tests with flying colors. In fact he tested above average in everything....turns out I just have a stubborn son!

We went on a family vacation mid Sept with my parents and my sister and her BF. We rented a beach front place in NC. It was nice to get away and relax for a while.

I started clomid with this last cycle. So far things seem to be going like they should. The best news so far is that it looks like I actually O'd. It's been months, since May I think, since I've done that. I go for blood work on Mon to check progeterone levels....hopefully they're within normal range. I also hope that if this cycle is a bust my OB gives me clomid again next cycle. Hot flashes, insomnia, and wicked O pains I don't care....this stuff rocks!

I just looked at my old ticker....I can't believe Julia has been gone 7 months! It seems so unreal. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was holding her. I finally gave in and we ordered a stone for the cemetary. I put it off for so long. Somehow it made everything seem so final. I didn't want to put an end to her story. The stone is beautiful...or will be I guess. It's a flat stone, pink granite, with her full name and birthdate. There are small angels on either side. I can't wait to see the finished product.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

We got a call on Fri and were told Julia's stone was in place. We were on our way to my IL's so we went to the cemetary on the way. It's absolutely beautiful! I wish I could post a picture, but of course our camera broke over the weekend and I can't get the picture off of it. For the time being here's a scan of the printed version. Though it's nowhere nearly as nice.

The scan didn't come out as nice as I had hoped. But it will do for now. Seeing that stone on Fri was a wonderful feeling. It's so hard to explain. Of course I was heartbroken and reminded of our loss and all the pain of that was there, but there was something else too. Something about doing that for her made me feel good. I guess maybe it's the fact that it really is one of the few things I COULD do for her!

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Happy Birthday Julia! Mommy and Daddy miss you!

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's hard to believe it's been a year already. We spent a very quiet family day together on her birthday. Didn't do anything too much. Went out for dinner and had cake with my family. Couldn't make it to the cemetary though. I was a bit disappointed by that. The weather here has been so back and forth. Either really cold and snowy or unusually warm and rainy. The cemetary is currently under a thick layer of icey snow, and it's quite difficult to get to her grave. I do have a trip planned for a few weeks form now when we finally get a real spring thaw.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It's been so long since I've written in here. Thought I was done with it to be honest. Lately though I've been feeling so down about Julia. I don't know why. Things are good. Julia became a big sister on June 5th. She has a wonderful, healthy baby brother. I love what I have right now and sometimes that makes me feel so guilty. There are times when I'm happy and it makes me feel bad. I can't explain the weird mix of feelings. It's like my being happy makes me feel like I'm forgetting her. God knows I never could. I still think of her every day, but not like I did before. I still miss her. I still wish she could be here with me. I don't know, maybe if I start writing things out again it will help.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

What a weekend! We went to the IL's for FIL's b-day. For the most part we had a good time. Took the boys to the zoo on Sat. Jacob had a BLAST! He loved seeing the animals and even got to look the tiger right in the eyes. It walked right up to him. The only thing between the two was one very strong peice of glass. FIL got a picture of it, hopefully it's a good one.

We had a weird moment while we were at the zoo. Here we are, about 3 hours from home, and I ran into a dr. that I haven't seen since the week before we lost Julia. She was the last dr I had seen and she did and adjustment on my hip. I know my loss had nothing to do with what she did, but I can't help but hold this thought that what if I hadn't seen her? My DH sees her for spinal adjustments every so often and just the mention of her name gives me a knot in my tummy. So when we ran into her at the zoo it was really rough. The next thing I knew I was having an anxiety attack. Had to go find a quiet place and sit for a while. Try doing that on a gorgeous fall day at a busy zoo!

On Sun we had a get together with some of DH's other relatives. It was the first time we've seen most of them since Joshua was born. It was great to watch DH show off his new baby to his grandparents and Aunt and Uncle. His grandmother hit me with a question about Julia at lunch. Out of nowhere, not to mention she's never brought her up before. I think the thing that bothered me the most was she refered to her as "that baby you lost." She has a name and they all know it.....use it!

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Jacob has taken to talking about Julia all the time. He thinks all pictures of babies that aren't him or Joshua are his sister Julia. The other day we were in Target looking at baby clothes and he loudly says, "Mommy, you cried when Julia died." It sounded more like a question than anything I guess. But that was it, once I said yes he was done. This morning he got up and told me it was ok because Julia was in heaven with Sophie (our puppy that died in Feb) and his Great-mama (my Gram, who passed in April). According to him, they're all having a grand old time up there. Sometimes I wonder how his little mind works.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

DH and I are officially going to be ttc again this next cycle. I'm so excited and nervous. Some days I can hardly believe I've already had three babies. I worry so much about a repeat of what happened with Julia. But I can't let that stop me from completing our family. I do often wonder though if I have this drive to try again because of what we've been through. I don't know if the family will ever really feel complete without Julia here. Regardless, I've felt like I wanted more than 2 kids since before we lost her, so I know I'm not trying again for the wrong reasons.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

DH and I were talking about our feelings about pregnancies. I was always very excited or nervous with the first two. The last one was after we lost Julia and I was pretty much just terrified the entire time. It did have it's moments when I would forget everything I was afraid of and I would just fully enjoy it. My DH was scared the whole time I was pg with our first, he called a few days before our son was born to tell me he had "changed his mind about having a baby". Once he held him, everything changed. For Julia he was excited from the start. It was so nice to have him be happy about it and wanting to be a part of all of it. He said that ever since then he can't enjoy or be excited about a pregnancy again. I have moments when I feel so horrible for taking that joy and excitement away from him. The reality is I know it wasn't my fault, but it was my body that failed our little girl. Some days I can't get away from that responsibility.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

God am I mean and moody. The provera is not treating me well this time. I feel like I could literally bite someones head off at any minute. I hate feeling like this. It's so hard for me. I try to be patient and understanding, after all I have 2 LO's to deal with. Right now, one of them is in a whiney stage and the other is sick......someone shoot me! I can't wait until this drug is out of my system. Just five more days until I'm done with it.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yahoo Last day of provera! Yahoo That says it all I think.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today is CD 1. We are now officially ttc Yahoo !

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Jacob swears to me he saw his sister. We were on our way to the grocery store and drove past the cemetary where she's buried. He started yelling "Mama look! Julia is flying around in there. She's having fun. Can we go play too?" I thought it was just because he knows that that is where she is, and maybe it is. But somedays he tells us she's not there because she doesn't feel like playing. Maybe it's his way of dealing with something he doesn't fully understand.....I don't know.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I've started round #2 of clomid. I'm hopeful this cyle is a success for us otherwise we're taking a ttc break until Jan, and I don't really know that I want to.