Happy Birthday Julia! Mommy and Daddy miss you!
Happy Birthday Julia! Mommy and Daddy miss you!
It's hard to believe it's been a year already. We spent a very quiet family day together on her birthday. Didn't do anything too much. Went out for dinner and had cake with my family. Couldn't make it to the cemetary though. I was a bit disappointed by that. The weather here has been so back and forth. Either really cold and snowy or unusually warm and rainy. The cemetary is currently under a thick layer of icey snow, and it's quite difficult to get to her grave. I do have a trip planned for a few weeks form now when we finally get a real spring thaw.
It's been so long since I've written in here. Thought I was done with it to be honest. Lately though I've been feeling so down about Julia. I don't know why. Things are good. Julia became a big sister on June 5th. She has a wonderful, healthy baby brother. I love what I have right now and sometimes that makes me feel so guilty. There are times when I'm happy and it makes me feel bad. I can't explain the weird mix of feelings. It's like my being happy makes me feel like I'm forgetting her. God knows I never could. I still think of her every day, but not like I did before. I still miss her. I still wish she could be here with me. I don't know, maybe if I start writing things out again it will help.
What a weekend! We went to the IL's for FIL's b-day. For the most part we had a good time. Took the boys to the zoo on Sat. Jacob had a BLAST! He loved seeing the animals and even got to look the tiger right in the eyes. It walked right up to him. The only thing between the two was one very strong peice of glass. FIL got a picture of it, hopefully it's a good one.
We had a weird moment while we were at the zoo. Here we are, about 3 hours from home, and I ran into a dr. that I haven't seen since the week before we lost Julia. She was the last dr I had seen and she did and adjustment on my hip. I know my loss had nothing to do with what she did, but I can't help but hold this thought that what if I hadn't seen her? My DH sees her for spinal adjustments every so often and just the mention of her name gives me a knot in my tummy. So when we ran into her at the zoo it was really rough. The next thing I knew I was having an anxiety attack. Had to go find a quiet place and sit for a while. Try doing that on a gorgeous fall day at a busy zoo!
On Sun we had a get together with some of DH's other relatives. It was the first time we've seen most of them since Joshua was born. It was great to watch DH show off his new baby to his grandparents and Aunt and Uncle. His grandmother hit me with a question about Julia at lunch. Out of nowhere, not to mention she's never brought her up before. I think the thing that bothered me the most was she refered to her as "that baby you lost." She has a name and they all know it.....use it!
Jacob has taken to talking about Julia all the time. He thinks all pictures of babies that aren't him or Joshua are his sister Julia. The other day we were in Target looking at baby clothes and he loudly says, "Mommy, you cried when Julia died." It sounded more like a question than anything I guess. But that was it, once I said yes he was done. This morning he got up and told me it was ok because Julia was in heaven with Sophie (our puppy that died in Feb) and his Great-mama (my Gram, who passed in April). According to him, they're all having a grand old time up there. Sometimes I wonder how his little mind works.
DH and I are officially going to be ttc again this next cycle. I'm so excited and nervous. Some days I can hardly believe I've already had three babies. I worry so much about a repeat of what happened with Julia. But I can't let that stop me from completing our family. I do often wonder though if I have this drive to try again because of what we've been through. I don't know if the family will ever really feel complete without Julia here. Regardless, I've felt like I wanted more than 2 kids since before we lost her, so I know I'm not trying again for the wrong reasons.
DH and I were talking about our feelings about pregnancies. I was always very excited or nervous with the first two. The last one was after we lost Julia and I was pretty much just terrified the entire time. It did have it's moments when I would forget everything I was afraid of and I would just fully enjoy it. My DH was scared the whole time I was pg with our first, he called a few days before our son was born to tell me he had "changed his mind about having a baby". Once he held him, everything changed. For Julia he was excited from the start. It was so nice to have him be happy about it and wanting to be a part of all of it. He said that ever since then he can't enjoy or be excited about a pregnancy again. I have moments when I feel so horrible for taking that joy and excitement away from him. The reality is I know it wasn't my fault, but it was my body that failed our little girl. Some days I can't get away from that responsibility.
God am I mean and moody. The provera is not treating me well this time. I feel like I could literally bite someones head off at any minute. I hate feeling like this. It's so hard for me. I try to be patient and understanding, after all I have 2 LO's to deal with. Right now, one of them is in a whiney stage and the other is sick......someone shoot me! I can't wait until this drug is out of my system. Just five more days until I'm done with it.
:yahoo: Last day of provera! :yahoo: That says it all I think.
Today is CD 1. We are now officially ttc :yahoo: !