No need to worry about getting through 9 months anymore. Things just weren't meant to be I guess. I started bleeding lightly yesterday, by this morning it was full on bright red blood. It somehow doesn't seem fair. I feel stupid saying that, but I just lost a baby in March and now this, and I don't feel like I can trust my body anymore!
I hit the 3 month mark on Sun. It wasn't a good day. It seems like now that it's June there really aren't any good days. Maybe after I hit her EDD it will get better. I seem to be having all this anxiety building. Each day I think it would be x number of days until my c-section was scheduled. It's less than a week now from when she was supposed to arrive and it seems strange that she's already been here and gone. Weird thing is it feels like it was just yesterday, but at the same time it feels like it was forever ago. I just want to hold her again.
Funny how one day can change your perspective. I'm actually having a good day. Crappy allergies today, but emotionally great! Had so much fun with my son. We went to the playground a couple of times, blew bubbles, took a walk , and made kool-aid (he was VERY helpful). My feelings today were more along the "I have a beautiful son and a wonderful husband" lines. Today I feel special because those two wonderful people are part of my life.
Today was supposed to be Julia's birthday. I thought I would feel so much worse than I do. I cried the entire week before hand. I was so afraid of what today would bring. Today I can think of my daughter and smile. I can look and her pictures and know that everything is ok. And I think in honor of what would have been her birthday I want to put her picture in my journal. This is my daughter Julia Paige, born 3/4/06 at 1:14 am, died 3/4/06 at 1:27 am, she was blonde just like her brother, and she is loved more than she will ever know!
Julia with her Nana's hand, my favorite picture of her!
I don't know if I want this ticker in my siggy anymore. I don't know if I want the constant reminder of how long it's been since I lost my daughter. At first it made me feel better, now it just depresses me! I think for now at least I need to take it off. Today has been 4 months. In four months I've made some progress and had a few set backs too. But I don't need to know everday how long it's been since I lost her anymore.
Isn't it funny how I couldn't get rid of the ticker all together. I had to put it in my journal for safe keeping. Too much like giving up Julia I suppose!
My DH and I are talking about me going back to work. In a lot of ways it would be so good for us. Help clear up some debt we have a little more quickly. Give me more things to think about then just my family. But at the same time, I've been with Jacob since the day he was born. The only other people that have taken care of him are my DH and my parents. If I went back to work he'd have to go to daycare. That scares me. I don't know if it's fear of how he'd be treated or just a general fear that it means he's growing up. He'll be 2 in Aug....I can hardly believe it. Where the time went I don't know. He just got a haircut and it made me so sad....he looks like such a big boy now! I think we're going to see the day care this afternoon. All we're doing is looking though. I always said that after he was 2 I would look into preschool or daycare a couple of days a week so he could be around other children. Now that it's fast approaching though I'm not so sure!
We had my son's 2nd birthday party over the weekend. It was nice. My sister was there and his grandparents were all there. He seemed to have fun. My sister gave him a harmonica which was a huge hit. Once he opened that he wanted nothing to do with the rest of his gifts!
This weekend I'm going to visit my gram for her birthday. The thought scared the heck out of me. It's going to be a lot of family that I haven't seen since before we lost Julia. I'm terrified that someone will say something or give me that pathetic look (the one I get from people who know and feel bad for me but are too afraid to say anything) and I'll just break down. My gram isn't exactly known for her tact, if it's on her mind she says it...that worries me!
I miss my baby girl so much lately. I lay awake a lot of nights thinking about her. I don't really want to, but I can't stop it. On my sons birthday we were sitting on the front porch when a butterfly flew up onto the porch and all around us for quite a while. I know it was silly, but I told him it was his baby sister's way of wishing him a happy birthday! The funny thing is, since that day, everywhere my son and I go there's a butterfly. Even the other day sitting in traffic, a butterfly flew in the window, flew around both of us and then out the other window. Makes me wonder I guess!
At my son's 2 year check up his doc suggested I get him evaluated by a speech therapist. He does talk, but not a lot. His development on every other level has been right on or ahead of schedule. His doc isn't overly concerned, but wants to head off any possible problems. He said it's most likely just a lag in verbal development and nothing really serious. Today I met a caseworker from an early intervention program. She came and got his history form birth to present, met my son, and filled out paperwork. She seemed to think he was doing pretty well, and was encouraged by what she saw. That should make my DH feel better. He was pretty upset when I told him the doc had suggested this. I think he worries that there might really be something wrong. But I spend every day with my son and I know he's very bright and VERY stubborn. He has four adults that will do anything and everything he wants or needs without asking...why should he talk? Anyway the woman will call back next week sometime and set up an appt with someone to do the initial evaluation. Then we go from there.
Wow it's been so long since I've written anything in here! Days just keep coming and going one after another.
Jacob had his evaluation at the end of August and he passed all the tests with flying colors. In fact he tested above average in everything....turns out I just have a stubborn son!
We went on a family vacation mid Sept with my parents and my sister and her BF. We rented a beach front place in NC. It was nice to get away and relax for a while.
I started clomid with this last cycle. So far things seem to be going like they should. The best news so far is that it looks like I actually O'd. It's been months, since May I think, since I've done that. I go for blood work on Mon to check progeterone levels....hopefully they're within normal range. I also hope that if this cycle is a bust my OB gives me clomid again next cycle. Hot flashes, insomnia, and wicked O pains I don't care....this stuff rocks!
I just looked at my old ticker....I can't believe Julia has been gone 7 months! It seems so unreal. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was holding her. I finally gave in and we ordered a stone for the cemetary. I put it off for so long. Somehow it made everything seem so final. I didn't want to put an end to her story. The stone is beautiful...or will be I guess. It's a flat stone, pink granite, with her full name and birthdate. There are small angels on either side. I can't wait to see the finished product.
We got a call on Fri and were told Julia's stone was in place. We were on our way to my IL's so we went to the cemetary on the way. It's absolutely beautiful! I wish I could post a picture, but of course our camera broke over the weekend and I can't get the picture off of it. For the time being here's a scan of the printed version. Though it's nowhere nearly as nice.
The scan didn't come out as nice as I had hoped. But it will do for now. Seeing that stone on Fri was a wonderful feeling. It's so hard to explain. Of course I was heartbroken and reminded of our loss and all the pain of that was there, but there was something else too. Something about doing that for her made me feel good. I guess maybe it's the fact that it really is one of the few things I COULD do for her!