When My Best Doesn't Seem Enough
I feel so guilty starting this journal. So many of you have more heartache then I could ever imagine. I am a mother of 5 beautiful children, but I just don't feel like I am doing a good enough job. My oldest is struggling through school. I am putting in 10 to 15 hours a week trying to help him. That is not counting all of the time I am trying to spend with the others, my most loving husband, and then just all of the things to run a household. My husband takes on side work to keep us in the black and out of debt. My job is to run the house and take care of the kids. He does Cub Scouts with the boys and helps whenever he can. He just does a wonderful job.
It took me four contacts with my son's teacher before I finally got her to call me back. I am writing up tests, helping him study and he still comes home with D's and E's. I feel like a failure, by trade I am a teacher. How can I not even help my own child. I keep trying to fight and ask for help at the school, and I get he is not bad enough, what is bad enough? I am not racist, but I am getting tired of hearing English is his first language and there are others that need the services more then him. Just tonight I was at the school for a school function. I asked the principal to open up the room, since my son didn't bring home his books. I wanted them all home even though he didn't have homework. I needed to read the chapter, the book, and look over all of this stuff so I can help him study. I know some tests will be coming up. She says I shouldn't have to open the room up, and no one is having this much trouble in his class. Then if the is the case why is he not getting help?
My daughter, thank God is a A and B student. But, I am feeling guity since I don't get to spend as much time as I would like with her. I help out with Girl Scouts a lot and go on the field trips. I can tell how she has been acting she needs more attention.
My third child needs some help, and tends to shut down, when I try to work with him at times. He is in 2nd grade. My other 2 children have had the same teacher, I hate to even go to his conference, I know she is going to say he needs some extra help at home with reading, and math.
My fourth child is doing fine, but I see a speech delay, she was tested by my doctor. I just now got the evaluation so I can present that to her teacher. Hopefully, I will finally get speech for her. They have been telling me since preschool it is just developmentally and it will clear up on it's own.
My poor baby who is 2 has a mom that is so tired out and feels like she has nothing else to give. My house has never been such a disorganized messed. Instead of typing this I should just try to clean it, but I just don't have the energy or desire. I feel so depressed. If it was not for my faith, and how much I think my family needs me I would just get in my car and just drive and drive. But, I can't do that, since I feel I would be letting my family down even more.
To just add to this my father is not talking to me, and I am not really sure why. I just found out he is not talking to me, since he threated to committ suicide last week, and he has never even tried to call me. He called my brother and severeal others. My parents were divorced when I was a young adult
My mother died of breast cancer 5 years ago. I just miss her so much right now. I know what she would say if I could talk to her, but I still would just love to hear her voice. It woudl be such a comfort. She was such a great mom. She would tell me Lynn, take it one day at a time, God will see you thirough this also. You worry too much, wait and see it will be fine. Know I love you and I am so proud of you. I can play those tapes in my head, but right now it is just not enough.
God, please help me, I feel so overwhelmed, guide my words and actions, so my children can get the services they need. All me to know peace and that I what I doing is enough.
My friends mean well, they try to give me advice, but right now I just need a hug. I know I have to fight for the sevices, and I know how to go about it. I know things could be worse. Some would love to have the problems I am encountering, they would be glad that was all they had to deal with. I know as my children get older I also can't take the credit for the good or the bad. But, it sure feels good when my daughter shows me that A! I know she studied and earned it, but it still feels good to share in her happiness.
How I wish I could be on a beach in Kaui, Hawaii watching the waves! That is my piece of heaven when I feel like I do right now.
The whole thing is I have been pretty happy with my children's school. My son has had some problems with reading, but we seemed to get them keep him at grade level or just a little behind. I am feeling I should have pushed more in the past. I have to realize that is done and I can only change the present. Would of's, could of's, should of's are all great to just learn from the past, so hopefully I change the future.
I have been warned about the teen years, now I am so scared to be a parent of teenagers. I am not sure there will be dye stong enough to cover all of my grey hairs or meds strong enough to help the mirgraines. I keep telling myself I can't worry about it until it happens, just keep my eyes open and like the rest of the things in my life take it one day at a time. Somedays minute by minute. I know your there God! If you weren't I would be 6 feet under. Something keeps me hanging on and it must be you! You have never given me more then I can handle. I love everyone of these children so very much, please help me get them to adulthood with as little abstacle to overcome that I have caused them. One day maybe I will believe that my best just has to be enough!