I'm a lurker .. hiding in the shadows! Ok, I'm not really all that creepy sounding, or maybe I am, I guess I don't honestly know. Before I start this journal, I want to share with everyone about me.
I have not always been kind and accepting, 10 years ago no one (including myself) would believe that I would become a counselor of any kind. I was loud, rude, judgmental, vengeful, angry, hateful, obnoxious, and cruel beyond your imagination. It was my way or face my fury.I was right, always, even if I clearly knew I was wrong, I refused to admit it.
Luckily, we all have the choice to change, and if we choose not to change we can keep hitting that "what am I doing" wall. I bet I hit that was a million times before I realized only I could change me, and only I could stop making my mistakes. It wasn't the whole world that was wrong, IT WAS ME!
A lot of things plugged into my bad behavior, I had a bad marriage, I was depressed, I had no support, and I felt trapped and helpless. I was in a little tiny box and couldn't figure out how to get out. I didn't depend on me, I depended on everyone else, that never works out by the way.
My husband and i separated, I began dating another man, and 3 months later I was pregnant. I couldn't get my divorce finalized at that time because of Ohio law, I decided I didn't like the man I was dating so I dumped him. Tangled up mess at that point wasn't it!
Jaden was my 4th child, but my first child not fathered by my husband at the time. I had a severely complicated pregnancy, and required total bed rest, I gave custody of my older 3 children to my husband, and to this day I have chosen to leave them with him. Jaden was born at 33 weeks, he couldn't breathe on his own, he couldn't suck, the poor boy couldn't even stay warm on his own. Very disheartening, especially when you are completely alone.
After he was out of the nicu, I informed the courts of his birth, they ordered DNA testing as my husband and I were in agreement that the child wasn't his. After the DNA results were in and showed a 0% probability that he could be the father our divorce continued. Finally in June 2007 it was final. I was pregnant with my 5th child then, and though I knew I was I told the courts I was not. In August 2007, I moved out of Ohio, and into Indiana.
In February 2008 I had my 5th child, Ben. He was born on his due date, He was healthy and nothing freaky happened, so even though I was still completely alone, I was coping very well.
In these times I was also learning, not only had I been wrong, but I could do the right things. I found good friends, and surrounded myself with wonderful people. I may have became who I originally hated, but i was totally fine with that.
At that point I had already my who would be my husband now, and I couldn't stand him. Arrogant *** was my exact words to him when he tried to so much as speak to me. Man what a creep he was, being all nice and smiling at me all the time, gross right!
I was pretty anti-men at that point, so as hard as he tried, I simply wouldn't have it. Then came summer, and things change when it's hot out, and everyone wears fewer clothes. Now I can't say it was the heat of July, or all the liquor we had drank, but somewhere in that I began dating my husband. We moved in together in December 2008, and by May I was pregnant with my 6th (and so final) baby.
My pregnancy with Joshua was complicated, and life threatening. I had a full placenta previa, I almost Bled to death twice, once in October 2009, and again in November 2009. I wasn't due until Christmas, but the second Bleed, which began on November 17 made my doctor choose to deliver Joshua before we both died. Joshua came via emergency C section on November 18, 2009.
I really think that was my major turning point. I almost died, GOD let me stay. Nothing that happened during that pregnancy was within my control, everyone made every important choice for me, and then I received a nice scar so I would never forget. Everything in this world, my life included, is due to the grace of God, not me or my choices.
I didn't get married until February 18, 2010. I wasn't ready before then. I took some online courses and became a certified doula and a lactation educator. I knew I wanted to help people. I do some work on the doula side now and then, but I was more into helping women breast feed, however it became too time consuming, and I wanted to broaden my possibilities. I then enrolled in college to get my bachelors in Human Services. Right now I have a general focus, meaning I can counsel broadly over the spectrum, but I fully intend on narrowing down to youth.
The case work I have done so far has been very difficult, it makes me glad my children don't have hard stories to tell, but breaks my heart that so many children suffer greatly. Ok so hopefully now you know enough about me. I can be found lurking on the boards reading about amazing feats of giving life and struggles with creating life .. and I'm also pretty fond of the coffee machine debate .. good stuff right there!