Where I've been

I'm a lurker .. hiding in the shadows! Ok, I'm not really all that creepy sounding, or maybe I am, I guess I don't honestly know. Before I start this journal, I want to share with everyone about me.

I have not always been kind and accepting, 10 years ago no one (including myself) would believe that I would become a counselor of any kind. I was loud, rude, judgmental, vengeful, angry, hateful, obnoxious, and cruel beyond your imagination. It was my way or face my fury.I was right, always, even if I clearly knew I was wrong, I refused to admit it.

Luckily, we all have the choice to change, and if we choose not to change we can keep hitting that "what am I doing" wall. I bet I hit that was a million times before I realized only I could change me, and only I could stop making my mistakes. It wasn't the whole world that was wrong, IT WAS ME!

A lot of things plugged into my bad behavior, I had a bad marriage, I was depressed, I had no support, and I felt trapped and helpless. I was in a little tiny box and couldn't figure out how to get out. I didn't depend on me, I depended on everyone else, that never works out by the way.

My husband and i separated, I began dating another man, and 3 months later I was pregnant. I couldn't get my divorce finalized at that time because of Ohio law, I decided I didn't like the man I was dating so I dumped him. Tangled up mess at that point wasn't it!

Jaden was my 4th child, but my first child not fathered by my husband at the time. I had a severely complicated pregnancy, and required total bed rest, I gave custody of my older 3 children to my husband, and to this day I have chosen to leave them with him. Jaden was born at 33 weeks, he couldn't breathe on his own, he couldn't suck, the poor boy couldn't even stay warm on his own. Very disheartening, especially when you are completely alone.

After he was out of the nicu, I informed the courts of his birth, they ordered DNA testing as my husband and I were in agreement that the child wasn't his. After the DNA results were in and showed a 0% probability that he could be the father our divorce continued. Finally in June 2007 it was final. I was pregnant with my 5th child then, and though I knew I was I told the courts I was not. In August 2007, I moved out of Ohio, and into Indiana.

In February 2008 I had my 5th child, Ben. He was born on his due date, He was healthy and nothing freaky happened, so even though I was still completely alone, I was coping very well.

In these times I was also learning, not only had I been wrong, but I could do the right things. I found good friends, and surrounded myself with wonderful people. I may have became who I originally hated, but i was totally fine with that.

At that point I had already my who would be my husband now, and I couldn't stand him. Arrogant *** was my exact words to him when he tried to so much as speak to me. Man what a creep he was, being all nice and smiling at me all the time, gross right!

I was pretty anti-men at that point, so as hard as he tried, I simply wouldn't have it. Then came summer, and things change when it's hot out, and everyone wears fewer clothes. Now I can't say it was the heat of July, or all the liquor we had drank, but somewhere in that I began dating my husband. We moved in together in December 2008, and by May I was pregnant with my 6th (and so final) baby.

My pregnancy with Joshua was complicated, and life threatening. I had a full placenta previa, I almost Bled to death twice, once in October 2009, and again in November 2009. I wasn't due until Christmas, but the second Bleed, which began on November 17 made my doctor choose to deliver Joshua before we both died. Joshua came via emergency C section on November 18, 2009.

I really think that was my major turning point. I almost died, GOD let me stay. Nothing that happened during that pregnancy was within my control, everyone made every important choice for me, and then I received a nice scar so I would never forget. Everything in this world, my life included, is due to the grace of God, not me or my choices.

I didn't get married until February 18, 2010. I wasn't ready before then. I took some online courses and became a certified doula and a lactation educator. I knew I wanted to help people. I do some work on the doula side now and then, but I was more into helping women breast feed, however it became too time consuming, and I wanted to broaden my possibilities. I then enrolled in college to get my bachelors in Human Services. Right now I have a general focus, meaning I can counsel broadly over the spectrum, but I fully intend on narrowing down to youth.

The case work I have done so far has been very difficult, it makes me glad my children don't have hard stories to tell, but breaks my heart that so many children suffer greatly. Ok so hopefully now you know enough about me. I can be found lurking on the boards reading about amazing feats of giving life and struggles with creating life .. and I'm also pretty fond of the coffee machine debate .. good stuff right there!

So I was on facebook .. and looking at a page that belongs to a woman that I go to church with, and she posted this video

http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregna...o-labor-video/

The woman is 40 weeks 3 days pregnant WITH TWINS! I only have 1 baby at a time, and by 30 weeks I can barely move, so imho this chick is AMAZING!

I just wanted to share because it is a truly awesome video, and this being a pregnancy site, lots of big ol bellys full of baby reside in these boards, and it's just fun to share.

Wait let me see if I can embed this link ..
http://blogs.babble.com/being-pregna...o-labor-video/

I hope that works, if not just copy and paste! It's worth the watch ..

Ok I am off to mathlab to do homework before class tomorrow :)

If nothing else in life is for certain, The one and only certain is I do not want any more children. On the other hand, I am more than ready for my dog to have some babies.

Today I begin my search for a Male boston terrier .. I prefer one with a close temperament to my Brittany. She's very sweet, well mannered, well trained, and over all have no clue she is not people. The dog is spoiled, she wear clothes, has rain coats, witer coats, holiday dresses, hoodies, sweaters, sun dresses, shoes, and oh she loves swimming at the lake in the summer.

Ok so chances are I won't find an owner quite as odd with their dog, but I def do not want a nervous snappy dog breeding with her .. and I don't want a malnourished wreck, and I don't want a dog with fleas or worms! No ear mites either .. and hopefully I can find one with a good manicure .. cause I don't want my dog doing it with a dog that lacks grooming.

Do I sound completely out of my mind? :eek:

So I get to work today, and my chef is all crappy, bad mood, and an attitude to match, so i say ok let's hear it .. what is going on?

His reply .. grumble grumble Christen .. grumble grumble Fort Wayne guy.

Seriously? YOU control your level of happiness, YOU make your choices! Gosh!

So Christen shows up, and I tell her .. Nick is :violent2: at you right now. She wants to know why, so I told her .. FORT WAYNE GUY!

:eek:

History here, Christen was my bar tender .. oh btw I'm putting myself through college working at a 5 star restaurant ..

Anywho .. This battle has been going on for what feels like 500 years .. Nick is in love with Christen, Christen just wants action when she can't find it anywhere else. I love both of these people, they are like family to me

And back to the story ..

Christen in turn gets :violent2: at Nick, he is not her boy friend, and he has no right getting angry, and now she wants to talk to him RIGHT NOW!

I tell him and he says he is busy, so there I am with Christen, and she wants to know why he is mad about this, why could this possibly matter ...

I tell her .. umm he wants to be with you duh!

She sends me in with a message, he sends me out with a message .. and it goes back and forth and FINALLY I say guys I have things to do, you guys talk you guys deal with this! Nothing stated is unknown to either party, nor to ANYONE around them!

Christen yells at Nick, and Nick yells AT ME!

At no point did i say to either of them this "we aren't together but we're doin it" was a good idea, infact I told both of them it was a BAD IDEA! Now here I am stuck in the middle, and I'm not knockin boots with either of them!

Stop killing the messenger people! If they didn't engage in this junk, there wouldn't be any problem, and Nick couldn't blame anything on me.

Yea, I'm Brooke, controller of the universe, the world sits in my hand and I spin it! AHHHH!

Yes I'm venting, and yall are lucky you aren't me!

Oh boy, Mondays are always work. Jaden wasn't pleased to be made to get out of bed at 7 in the morning for school. He let his hot chocolate get cold, and refused to eat his banana or his cereal. Josh is now at the table next to me being grumpy and not wanting to eat his banana or cereal. Then .. just now .. he threw his juice and when the cup landed the lid popped up and juice everywhere. I guess it's safe to say that breakfast is over, and we are in for a true moody Monday!

I guess tonight we get to go over to the mother in laws. UGH! It isn't her .. but her husband, drunken fool! AH! A little part of me really does not want to go .. but if I do go I get to hear weird little stories my sister in law makes up, and that's always fun. She's 7, so making up stories is ok, unlike those annoying adult sister in laws that are all dramatic.

In total I have 6 sister in laws, 4 of which I get along with well, the other 2 .. well :puke2: And we can leave those 2 at that. oh hey, really I have 8 sister in laws .. I always forget the women married to brother in laws, I have 5 of them, plus 3 more through marriage .. so 8 brother in laws total. My husband comes from a very big family lol. I have 15 nieces and nephews, going on 17. But not all of them are through my husband .. 8 of them are from my brothers and sister.LOL!

I secretly hope to be expecting my 18th soon. Last christmas I asked josh and madeline to have one in the works, didnt happen, 4th of july they said after they buy a house, well thats done, so HOPEFULLY I'll be hearing something awesome really soon.

Joshua is a very popular name in the family .. I have brother in law Joshua, and my son is Joshua. We also contain multiple Brandons and Alexanders.

Ok I guess this has turned into "strange facts about the Frantz family" lol

Laugh if you must, but I have, twice .. THANKS NETFLIX!

That show is really onto something. Do good things, good things happen. Do bad things, bad things happen.

I don't believe in Karma, I'm no pagan. I mean that with sincerity not judgement by the way. I'm a Christ Follower, Do as Jesus did. Now, that isn't to say everything I do is great and right, I'm not Jesus after all, I'm Brooke.

So, I believe I have already said previously, I was indeed one of the meanest people I have ever known. Come to think of it, I probably was the meanest. I used to take the one thing that I knew would hurt you, and I would take it and cram it in your face over and over until you left whatever area I was in and you never came back.

I'm going to share something now, because I feel like I need to. Back before I vanished from pg.org, there were a ton of debate boards. Besides the general debate, there was the abortion debate, and the circumcision debate. Plus a ton more.

I stalked the abortion debate board like a rabid beast, I am, always have been, and always will be prolife. I have a limit, tubal or molar pregnancies, in both situation NO ONE lives, so save the life you can. These are my beliefs, so lets leave it at that.

However, I stepped over the line terribly. And for the last 7 years, it has haunted my mind.

There was a woman that frequented both debate boards I did, I also knew that she had aborted her baby because it had a serious birth defect. The brain stem formed, but the rest of the brain did not, that child wasn't going to live, period. Instead of showing her ANY compassion, I ripped into her, call her a murderer, told her she didn't deserve to ever have a child, I told her she wasn't worthy of being called a mother.

What I did was in fact colder than even the most brutal of murders.

Now I don't know if she still comes and posts, or reads, or even if she is still a member here, and I'm not going to give her name because that wouldn't be right either. However if she reads this she knows who she is.

I just want her to know that I am truly sorry for the pain I caused her. I never had the right to say anything about what you chose, and like all parents it is up to you to decide what is best for your child. It doesn't matter what I think I would have done, I never stood in your shoes, and if I ever had to I may not have chosen the things you did, but that would be because of what I believed was best. I hope where ever you are, whatever you are doing now, you have healed well, and have been able to throw away the heartlessness I showed to you.

It's odd to me that people actually read this. I make a post, 30 people read. It makes me wonder who it is, and are they looking for something, are they curious, did they accidentally click, and how many times have they seen Shrek?

Today was ok, hung out with the Frantz in laws. Accidentally scratched my pregnant sister in law .. that sucked, i felt awful. Got to play with my youngest nephew calvin .. he is sooo sweet, and looks like his momma! I tried to sneak him some cool whip, but nooo Tiffany caught me, and my mother in law too the pepper piece it was on. No it wasn't a hot pepper, it was a green pepper and Tiffany lets him chew on them since he is teething.

Fannie Mae (skank) sold the house Josh and Madeline were trying to buy to investors. So no babies even being worked on from them. I totally forgot to tease them about being vegetarians, dang! I love teasing them, while I eat meat usually, it's a good time.

Grandma Frantz is doing very well, I think she is kicking the leukemias butt. You go grandma! She is one strong lady I tell ya what! I think Grandpa Frantz was on the verge of spanking some great grandchildren .. ie my boys .. because they wouldn't stop running, in the kitchen!

Brittany had a good time running and playing with Cookie. The Frantz Family loves their dogs, and always include them, though most people left their dogs and the mil and fils house, oops! Grandpa and Grandma didn't seem to mind, and our 2 dogs stayed occupied.

It was weird and lonely not being able to take veggies out to Star. That was my LLama, she died. She was the coolest Llama ever. She got worms from wild deer because they WOULDN'T STAY OFF HER SALT LICK! Stupid deer, I hate deer, i hate them so much I hit one with my car and didn't give a darn that I killed it, but I'm still pretty angry that the stupid thing dented my car.

My brother in law that can't stay out of trouble showed up, it sucked that he trash talked my sister in law the whole time. It isn't her fault that he does drugs and steals by the way.

Well I don't feel like I have anything else to add. It's 9:30 and I need to get the boys in bed, and then I'm going to watch some Netflix.

Really I did, but just so I could have some with my cheese ball .. lol

When I got home from work tonight I found my husband on facebook and My 6 year old and 3 year old playing video games. It was almost 11, and their bedtime is 9! I should ground my husband .. from facebook! I doubt it would work, I'm not home enough to enforce grounding my husband lol! Of course the boys are in bed now .. they weren't too pleased being taken from their video game though.

I bought this movie, Evil Bong, I thought it would be interesting, but it wasn't. It is an independent film, but Tommy Chong is in it .. I let let lead me to believe I should buy and watch this movie! Live and learn!

At the end of the movie they advertised Evil Bong II .. I want to watch it lol! I know some independent film makers, and each new movie they come out with is always better than the last. So maybe the second will be better than the first .. I doubt I will ever know because I am not going to break my neck trying to find a second evil bong movie.

I was on the debate board and someone said they didn't know what Harold and Kumar go to White Castle is .. I didn't want to laugh there .. so I'm laughing here! Not because the lady said anything wrong, but I had no clue anyone had not seen that movie! It's such a funny movie. Basically, if the lady is reading, Harold and Kumar smoke the pot and go looking for a white castle lol! They get into some messes, and funny things happen, but really it might not be your type of movie. I know that debate was just a bunch of squeamish moms worrying about alluding to sex in a television show is bad and they should keep it from teens.

Isn't that silly? I mean my kids know tv is fake. They know elmo is fake, santa is fake, rudolph is fake, there are no dragon balls, and House isn't a real doctor. Some might think I'm bad because I don't give them false idols, and I don't shelter them from television shows, but I'm fine with it, my husband is fine with it, kids are fine with it, friends and family are fine with it, so really what I'm saying is, when it comes to my kids, only I need to be fine with it, well and other persons involved.

I also let my 13 year old play call of duty, and grand theft auto .. I know *gasp* When he grows up, he wants to be a military sniper *double gasp* and I support him in his choice *faint*

My 9 year old wants to be a veterinarian, my 7 year old wants to be a mommy, my 6 year old wants to be a fireman, my 3 year old wants to have big muscles, and my 2 year old wants Mommy to carry him everywhere. I also support their goals .. except I am hoping one day my baby will want to do something other than be carried by me, eventually he is going to be too heavy.

My 9 year old is in the 5th grade.. why? Because she skipped the 4th! Yea that's right, call me bad all you want, I have children skipping grades so my parenting can't be awful, just saying. Most people can maybe say their kid is on the honor roll .. so is my kid and she skipped a grade. Ok I'm just bragging now, but you have to admit that is impressive. All 4 children that are in school are advanced and straight a's across the board, so much for television making kids bad huh. Guess you don't have to be over protective and sheltering for good things to happen hmmm. Maybe though, it's simply the fact that you don't have to approve of my way of parenting for it to be a perfect fit for my family.

Just something to ponder.

I'm shutting up now. I was just really offended by a few statements made to me .. Like my children should be taken away because I let them watch what they choose on the tv.

When you use the words, porn, a reference to MY CHILDREN, and further reference to MY PARENTING in a statement, you piss me off and you won't get any further conversation from me. Some people are just too putrid and vulgar for my tastes.

Yesterday was a beautiful day, warm and sunny, no jacket required, today cold and windy, and you need a coat! Indiana weather needs to go on a pill for weather illness.

my Chapter 5 exam score still isn't posted. Dang! I am hoping for a B .. a c would be ok too though, because I took my baby with me when I tested .. it was to see if my test score would improve if i wasn't so focused on me taking a test. It's only math that gives me the problem, and it freaks my instructor out. I can pop off answers that are correct all day long, but the second he hands me a test sheet, I become stupid. I've been trying a few different things, and taking the baby was my latest. If it worked, guess who is taking her baby to her final? ME! If it didnt work, crap!

I'm a stressed mess because of this math. Everything else, I get A's, math, C. A freaking C! Are you kidding me? A c in a class in which I should have a perfect A! It just makes me so angry. I am NOT average, I know this stuff, I can play in mathlab and get 100 problems right in a row, but forget it on a test? HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

It's a conspiracy I tell you! Professor Lee is adding to said conspiracy by not posting my test score .. he wants me to walk into class Tuesday complaining that I don't have my score! He likes seeing me sweat! OK so I'm sure that isn't whats going on .. but we'll see.