I guess I need to write more here so I'm not greeted with my peestick pictures from my last miscarriage.
Yes, I've been drinking a few too many bottles of wine lately!
So this evening I've been presented with the news that I've been preparing myself for since my last m/c. Our close friend is indeed preggo with her third child. I've suspected for a month or so, but that didn't make it easier to hear.
Anyone else, and I would be happy for them... but this person has it so easy! So perfect, always. I would never wish badness on anyone ever... and it's not that I won't be happy for them... just right now I am sad for me. She's never had to suffer a loss... gotten pregnant on the first try always (not something I can complain about, but it adds fuel to my fire), and somehow, convinced/tricked her husband into having a third baby that he didn't really want to have. And SURPRISE!!!! Everything is going perfectly and they're on their way to their family of 5.
I had one chance to have our third baby... after having 3 miscarriages... you'd think I paid my dues... but NO! We did get pregnant... I didn't trick anyone into anything... I thought it was meant to be. It wasn't... obviously. Now I'll never have the chance again. And she'll go on to have her perfect family and that's just great for them! Really, I'm happy for them... just super pissed off and sad for me and my desire to have a baby that will probably never be born (possibly conceived by crazy chance, but probably ripped away from my uterus by some force that I can not control just to make it hurt that much more).
I just give up. I try to tell myself that it will happen when it's right, and you know what! It's always right for someone else... always perfect for someone else. I'm just done. I want to crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep and not have anyone disturb me. That can't happen though because I get no time to myself.
DONE! Oh yeah, I better turn off my signature because it probably shows that I'm almost due to have a baby that DIED.
Update on my life.
Well a lot has been going on. I am currently a certified nursing assistant, although I'm not working because I am taking 10 credits this summer. I just finished my second week and still have A's in everything so I'm really happy about that.
Nothing new on the TTC front except that I finally feel like it's not all I'm thinking about anymore and that feels great. DH and I had an oopsies this month, but it was 8 days before I ovulated. I'd say the chances of conception are pretty much zero, but I guess you never know. I can honestly say that I would be happy, but very mentally unprepared to finish this semester and my next one while being preggo. Either way, I'd be ok with it, although had I never lost any babies... I'd be really hoping I wasn't pregnant because the timing would be so horrible. Well, not horrible, but not good. Anyways, I'm going to take a test next tuesday and wednesday... expecting both to be negative, but I can't turn down an opportunity to test. I can't say that I feel the way I did every other time I was pregnant, but that's because I'm not obsessing over it. I've been so busy it's been one of the last things on my mind.
The only potential symptoms are heart palpitations, and cranky mood/low blood sugar crabbies. Those thing aren't horribly abnormal for me these days though, so we'll see. It's nice to kinda be in the middle and just be happy with either outcome.
Well I'm a couple days out from testing and I'm a little nervous, but still not obsessing. I've felt weird the last couple days and am not sure why. Horrible hot flashes yesterday, and just super b!tchy. I also made some pulled pork, and was having a really hard time even looking at it. Also, on friday night we got a fish fry and I was enjoying it as usual, and then I saw a piece of the fish not covered by the breading and was so grossed out I couldn't eat anymore. Like... just threw away the rest of it. I've been really crampy too, but maybe that's nothing.
I'm trying really hard not to think about it, and it's hard to know if it's different or not because we have been so careful the last 7 months... a potential pregnancy never even crossed my mind.
My final point of "maybe I really am pregnant", is that I had another cheri prediction and she predicted march and girl. She has been right for me so far, but I'm not thinking too hard on that either. I have a big exam tomorrow and I've been really stressing about that. Maybe tomorrow after class, I'll stop by the dollar store and pick up some cheapies. Although there have been a lot of very real looking evaps with those lately with people on DYSAL. Whatever... hopefully if i am... it's meant to be. It would have to! It can't be any worse timing!
DH has been asking a lot lately about getting "snipped". He's 100% ready, but I just can't go there yet. I'm only 25!!! That's such a permanent decision. Anyways, we'll see in a few days what happens.
BFN today with SMU. No big surprise there. REALLY crampy and squeezed milk out of my boob. I'll be testing tomorrow morning and Wednesday morning... although I usually still get BFN's at 10 dpo.
Well it turns out I wasn't pregnant last month, and honestly, I was so relieved. I didn't think I would be, but it felt good to not be pregnant (for once!). I know I keep having weird, maybe I'm preggo, maybe I'm not posts, but I guess I better continue the streak. I didn't think I could be pregnant this month because we only had one questionable oops moment, and I thought DH pulled out in plenty of time. I didn't have any "leftovers" or anything, and that was 1 day before O. Today is 9dpo and I have brown discharge, and have been crampy for a few days. I was thinking when that started, that if we had a real oops, I'd be thinking I was pregnant. I have been known to get my period early since my first PP AF. But never this early. Usually just a day or two. I'm really kind of scared. I'm doing so well in school and don't want to mess that up right now, but if I am, then that's that. I don't know if I should test tomorrow. I'm afraid that if the test is positive, it's going to mess with my studying and finals this week, but if I don't find out... I'll just obsess over whether or not I am. I just don't know. I haven't told DH anything, because I don't want him to get upset or worried about anything. I don't know why I'm really freaking out. Maybe because this is such a strange thing to happen for me, and in my head, the only reasoning is that I'm pregnant. Ugh... I guess we'll see. I'm going to try to sneak out and grab a test today and take it in the morning. What if it's positive!!! I don't know what to think... just breathe... wait until the morning... i'm 99% sure it'll be negative.
Well... not pregnant from the last post. I was also pretty relieved in that moment. I didn't even use up all the tests in the box, which says something.
I am really missing my angels tonight. I'm not sure what triggered it all, but I almost posted about it on facebook... which would be something I would have regretted in the morning. I feel guilty that I didn't acknowledge my due date... at all. It totally passed... I didn't even realize it. I probably was feeling relieved that I wasn't pregnant with a different "potential oopsie" and now I just hate myself.
Today I went to an estate sale. I found a couple necklaces that I really liked and bought them. It made me sad to go through this person's home and pick through their belongings for things that I felt worthy to buy. I wonder if that will happen to me someday. I have a pretty necklace that I bought to memorialize my angels, only two at that time. I didn't really think I would go through that again. Now i need to add two more gems to my necklace. If someone roots through my things after I'm dead, will they even understand the meaning of that necklace? Or just that it's pretty and they got to buy it for a couple dollars...
I'm so sad that Brooke never wants to have any more kids... I agree that the timing is not right at this moment, but I feel like I need to have another baby. Maybe it's just to prove to myself that I am ABLE. I don't know.
I wish I knew what happened with my other pregnancies. Why didn't they work out!? I know with my second miscarriage it was my fault. I should have waited to get pregnant. Waited at least one cycle. My body just wasn't ready. After that, I don't know. Clearly I did something to deserve it. I'm just not sure what it was.
It's so strange to me how the events in a day can lead back to this. For the most part, I feel happy and fulfilled. I feel bad that I had to go through 4 miscarriages, but it usually doesn't bog me down. Tonight, I started to look at old pictures of baby Jaxon... belly pictures of pregnancies lost, and then gorgeous belly pictures from when I was pregnant with Wes. It just took me back, and I feel sad. Feel like grieving the loss of our babies, and angry that I didn't ask to know why. Ask for testing! It kills me that I don't know... was it something wrong with me, or was it just bad luck? I will never know! I can only hope that someday Brooke will come around and want to have another baby and I can have closure.
I have the worst baby fever happening right now... It's consuming my brain! I even said something to Brooke about it. I know where it's coming from, and it's just from my grief for a friend who just had a still birth. I feel so sad for their family, and that's what triggered my NEED for another baby. I really hope it calms down, it's seriously all I can think about. Otherwise I hope Brooke agrees to have another. But then what do I do about school... it's so complicated! I can't say I'd really care though, if Brooke agreed to have another baby right now, I'd for sure take him up on it. Not that that'll happen. Just wishful thinking.
Well I'm still around... Working and going to school. I can't say that I like my job anymore and am actually considering a serious career change. I REALLY want to be a chef in an assisted living facility. I will admit... I want to be a nurse for the challenge of it all... to prove myself worthy (only to one person that must remain unnamed). I love both aspects. I feel at home in the kitchen... I LOVE going in there and watching them cook. I'm not sure I'd feel fulfilled though. I'd be better off to get the nursing degree and start a catering business later on... I want to start delivering soup. I can make great soup! Maybe soup and salad to cater to the corporate America crowd. I just decided right now, to apply at the dialysis clinic.
Tonight I had to work with a girl that I really don't get along with... I try so hard, but she just irritates me to the core. I will continue to try to get past it... no one else finds her annoying, and I don't want to cause drama or trash talk.
Onto other "very hopeful" topics. DH and I dtd within 24 hours of my ovulation (post ovulation). I know this means that I probably won't be pregnant. I'm never pregnant when I want to be. I will assume that if I am pregnant, I'll miscarry. PLEASE let me be pregnant!!! I have this feeling... it doesn't match up with the psychic predictions though... maybe that would be the greater power showing His grace though??? I'm not sure. The predictions have always been right... in the past though. I guess we'll see. I am so desperate right now... I just want to have another healthy baby. Girl or boy, I don't care. PLEASE let him understand how I feel!
O - Day!
I'm ovulating for the first time in a good, 3 months. It's so painful! This also marks the beginning of the 2ww for me. We DTD unprotected (twice) 3 days ago. I've gotten pregnant when DTD 4 days before O, so I'd say there's a good chance that something will happen.
I just read my last post and don't even know who that person was. I imagine I was just having a "moment" and feeling sad about lost babies from the past. Right now, another baby is NOT what I or we need. I would love to have another, but in a few years... not now. I'm so afraid. I got accepted as an alternate for nursing school, and there's a good chance I'll make it in for the fall semester. A baby would make going to school impossible.
I know beggars can't be choosers, and I've certainly done my share of begging for another baby... not so much to Brooke, but more of the higher power type of begging. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, so if this turns into a pregnancy... and possibly even a viable pregnancy... I know we will figure it out. I guess I'll be back to track any symptoms and such... I just hope it goes fast so I know what is going on. I already have a feeling though, we've always gotten pregnant on the first try.
3 - DPO
Nothing really to report, although I've been trying to push any preggo thoughts out of my mind, and enjoy my blissful ignorance for another week. Just pretty cranky, and sore in my lower abdomen. I did go out dancing a couple days ago though, so it's probably from that.
If I am, at least I have all my prereq's done, so I can just pick up where I left off. Maybe just go part time or something. We'll see I guess!