Well I think I need to start a journal, as I am experiencing so many emotions right now and just need a place for my brain to unload! A little background.... I have one DS, born in October '06, and two angels (10/18/07, 12/18/07). I think I might start with my DS's birth story plus some background, and then go into all my craziness!
DS Jaxon born 10/18/06 ** DS Wesley born 3/22/09 ** DS Henry born 6/11/12 ** 4 angels in heaven
Let me start by saying that this pregnancy was unplanned, but very much wanted! I knew there was a chance that I was pregnant because DH (BF at the time) and I DTD right around O time, and got a bit carried away and didn't use protection. I went to a Walgreen's down town, and couldn't find pregnancy tests anywhere! I finally gave up and just said I'd wait to see if I got my period over the weekend (i had an unpredictable cycle... up to a week "late" was normal). Well we had a great weekend together, and it came and went with no AF. I don't remember why I didn't take a test on monday... maybe it was my day off. I had read up on early pregnancy symptoms earlier, because we have been caught up in the moment and, "eh hem", forgotten protection before. On Tuesday, I had to go "number two" and it was a very strenuous event. I then realized that I hadn't gone in a few days, and that really sounded some alarms in my head. I continued my day as usual, and went into work at the deli, and ALL DAY I saw pregnant people, and people with babies, and I just was freaked out. I usually waited for DH to come pick me up when he got into town after work, but this day I decided to try to take the bus to the store and pick up an HPT (trying to be secretive about it). I went in and got the goods, and was waiting for the bus to take me home when DH called and said he was about 15 minutes from home if i needed a ride. I declined... telling him I stopped at the store and was going to be home via the bus any minute. SO! The bus was majorly late, and by the time I got home, DH was due to arrive at any moment. I quickly ran to the bathroom and strained what little pee I had in me onto that HPT and right as I finished DH walked in the door so I quickly threw out the HPT because it was taking so slow due to the lack of "liquid." All that was on my mind was what the results were on that test and I was acting funny, as DH observed. I figured there was no way I was pregnant and indulged in a tequila shot (we were supposed to go out later that evening)... thinking how I was going to feel so weird getting so worked up over nothing. Well DH went to change his clothes so I sneaked a peak at the test in the garbage, and to my HUGE surprise... it had two lines. Not a faint line.... a very DARK line. SO my stomach drops and I start freaking out... DH is getting the mail at this time, and I'm telling him "I have something I need to show you" (while shaking and crying.) I showed him the test and he says, "Doesn't two lines mean NOT pregnant?" The rest of the night is a blur, but he handled it MUCH better than I did. I was excited the next day... it was just a shock.
SO! My pregnancy went pretty well. VERY uneventful and normal, until I got to about 30 weeks. I am a small person, so it figures that my baby would be a little bit small and I wouldn't have as much room to stretch. Well the Doc FREAKS and has me starting non-stress tests so make sure the baby is doing alright. Every time, the baby measures fine (a little small, but normal), and is doing everything that he should be. Well by the time I was 37 weeks I was going in 3 times a week... even the technicians there were so confused about why I had to keep coming in. When I was 40 weeks, and 1 day, my Dr. decided I needed to be induced the next day because my belly wasn't growing appropriately (even though the NST showed that the baby was still growing). She did a pelvic exam, and really "got way up there." That night I lost a little of my plug and started contracting irregularly. I still had to go to my NST the next day, and the monitors showed I was contracting about every 5 minutes (i knew this already but they weren't painful and I was already going in for an induction so I didn't pay attention). By the time we checked in that night and hooked up to monitors, I was contracting every 3 minutes regularly (still not painful, but I could feel the tightness.) Once there, the Dr. decided against cervadil since I was in early labor, and went straight for the pitossin. I labored all night and into the morning with no epi. The nurses came into my room every 15 min. or so to increase the Pit., and it really messed with my concentration, so I decided for the epidural. What relief that was... I slept the next 5 hours or so waking up only to the fetal heartbeat slowing down dramatically only once. At around 3:00pm, I started feeling a lot of pressure and told the nurse. She said I was 9.5 cm and just needed to get past one little lip of cervix. Well... I laied there for another hour just waiting for the Dr. to arrive. It only took about 15 minutes of pushing and when he came out... everyone in the way got a nice bath. My water broke and exploded all over everyone! Since the Dr. was convinced something was wrong, she was so surprised to see a "term baby" come out. Jaxon weighed 6 pounds 13 ounces and was 19 inches long. It took him about 24 hours to latch on and start eating, but when he did, he fed like a champ. He was 16 pounds at 2 months on breast milk only. Now he is 14 months and about 25 pounds and just running around all over the place.
Last edited by lexirunner; 01-05-2008 at 11:23 PM.
Well I guess I'll fast forward to recently. DH and I decided to try for another baby because I wanted them close in age. I ordered the cheap OPK's and preg. tests online and was all set. Once I started paying attention, my body was pretty predictable, and we DTD perfectly and were pregnant the first cycle trying. Everything was going great, and I was having symptoms and everything. I couldn't wait until my first appointment at 9 weeks. We get there and i do the whole blood work thing and all the questions (even though I have a DS, it's a new office so they do everything from scratch if you're a new patient.) We waited for a good 20 minutes after the nurse left for the Dr. to arrive to give us the u/s and all the good stuff. So she gets in and introduces herself and we talk a little about how we want the birth to be, and then she starts getting ready for the u/s. At this point I start getting VERY nervous. I had been having these weird "thoughts/daydreams" about not finding a heartbeat or the baby measuring too small, I think to prepare myself in case that did happen. Well as she inserts the probe... my worries start fading as I see right away a nice sized "baby" that looks how other ultrasounds on my birthboard have looked. She quickly points out the baby, and makes sure there's only one in there. She goes back to the baby and points out the head and the rest of the body, but I wasn't really paying attention because the whole time I was just looking for the heartbeat. The Dr. suddenly stops explaining and just keeps looking at the screen. I could tell by her body language that something was wrong, but I just kept looking at the screen praying... begging... just find the right angle and we'll see the heartbeat. It didn't happen. I'll always remember the words she said... "I have to be honest with you guys, I'm not seeing a heartbeat." At that moment I just broke down. I spent this whole time trying to convince myself that what i knew deep down was not true. Every time I'd have a "premonition", I'd sit back and tell myself how silly I would feel once I get there and see the heartbeat. It's so strange how I just knew it wasn't going to work out. Even though the baby died a day or LESS before my appointment, I had been living that moment over and over since the moment I found out I was pregnant.
I had a D&C the next day, and bled for about 3 weeks. This brings me to my next entry.
Last edited by lexirunner; 01-05-2008 at 11:39 PM.
Well after my first loss I was heartbroken, and just wanted to be pregnant again. My Dr. advised to wait one cycle and then start trying again, but I didn't listen to her. I've heard lots of stories about women who get pregnant right away after a m/c or a birth and go on to have healthy pregnancies... so I thought, I can do that too. I started getting fertile CM about 6 weeks after my D&C, and with the help of my OPK's (and reassured by my horrendous O pain) we DTD on O day and the day after. I was thinking, "it's just a long shot, I probably won't get pregnant right away." WRONG! About 12 days later (after a neg. IC test that morning), I got really sick trying to drink a glass of wine, and smelling the meatloaf DH was cooking for dinner. I decided to go to bed early, but then around 1am, I found myself awake. I figured I'd go watch TV and just chill out until I got tired again. I realized I had to pee and remembered that I had two FRER HPT's left and thought I might use one "just for fun." Well the fun part turned into total shock as TWO lines appeared. At first I thought I saw another line... but I ALWAYS thing I see another line right away. I finished up and took another look and saw a more definitive second line, but definitely not dark. After washing my hands I took another peek, and there was DEFINITELY a second line. I was soooo excited, but scared at the same time. I called the Dr. right away in the morning and told them about the pos. pregnancy test, but that I hadn't had a period since my D&C, BUT I knew my ovulation date. Well they wanted me to go in for blood work, because of my last loss, and I guess they didn't believe me when I told them I knew when I ovulated. That evening they called me back and said that my numbers were very low, but positive, and I said that should be correct because the line was faint on the test. They said the Dr. thought i was only 3 DAYS pregnant... that really rang alarms off in my head, but I didn't think too much of it. I went back two days later for blood work, but they didn't get back to me that day. I was having pretty strong symptoms so I felt good about things, but still a little nervous, so the next morning (not with FMU) I took another HPT and got a line but it was just as faint as the first test... this really did not settle well with me. Later that day I received a message from the office saying that everything looked great and to call if i had any questions. Well I felt great about things after that... I was still feeling pregnant and having lots of symptoms. The next day... I felt like I had a burst of energy and was relieved. Even my MIL noticed that I was feeling so much better this time around, compared to last time. That really was disturbing for me to hear... I was just searching for anything to make me feel better about things, and that didn't help. Well the day after that, I had no symptoms to speak of... felt great, not sick, no fatigue... just general great, which ironically, made me feel horrible. I commented to my mom how I just felt very not pregnant and it was worrying me... but she convinced me things were fine. The next day I went into the office (i work there one day a week) and was still feeling not pregnant, and after about 20 bathroom breaks to "check the TP" I told myself that the wetness I was feeling right before we left was just my normal discharge. Well it wasn't. When we got home I couldn't resist but check on things again just to reassure myself, and there was pink on the tp. My stomach just dropped, and i knew. I tried to convince myself that it could be normal and that lots of women spot during the first trimester, but given my severe symptoms that just vanished.... i knew that it was over. I was bleeding heavily and cramping badly by morning. A blood test confirmed that I was miscarrying... my HCG had halved since the last draw, 3 days prior. Now I am left with myself. Depressed... wondering why I had one healthy pregnancy, and two failures. Wondering what is wrong with me! I strongly believe that my second loss was just because I rushed things, and didn't take my Dr.'s advice, but how can I know that for sure. I can't.
I'm still waiting on my post m/c AF. She shouldn't be here for at least another week plus a few days. Exactly 2 weeks after my m/c (cycle) began, we had a New Year's Eve oops. I've been so careful to use protection because I really feel that my body just needs one cycle to cleanse itself. I haven't had an AF since August (before my first loss). Now I'm so scared that we have gone and done it again. The only things giving me reassurance are that I haven't had a positive OPK yet (although I haven't been testing at the right time of day for me), and I haven't had any O pain (although I was really drunk New year's eve and wouldn't have felt it, and then the next night I took 2 excedrin PM to help me sleep so I wouldn't have felt it then either.) I am just so upset that we were careless during a potentially fertile time. My CM hasn't been what it usually is, but I was definitely more "wet" than usual those two days. I just hate the "what if's". I will be so happy if I didn't O, but then again, I wish I had O'd so I could get AF and get on with the TTC business. But if I DID O, then I am running the risk of being pregnant again when I feel my body is not ready. I guess I'll just deal with it and update when I know for sure.
Well it's been a little over a week since we DTD and I thought I was out of the woods because I haven't had any O pains or a positive OPK or anything like that. BUT! I've had so much watery CM for the last 4 days or so, and I'm just super exhausted. I keep trying not to worry or think too much about the slim chance that I might be pregnant, but I keep having "symptoms" that are making me really worried. The last two days while playing with DS, I've noticed my boobs are pretty sore. I've been having the watery CM which happened my last pregnancy, and also am dead tired. I took a 3 hour nap yesterday with DS, went to bed at 9, then went back to bed this morning when DS took a nap. Part of me is excited about this, but the more reasonable part of me is just TERRIFIED! What if I am.... I can't possibly expect the pregnancy to be viable.... I should just prepare for my next loss now. And then at the same time, if I'm not pregnant, then I don't know what the heck is going on with my body, and don't want to wait FOREVER for AF so we can really start trying with a clear mind. I told myself I wouldn't obsess about it unless I was having some sort of symptoms, and wouldn't even bother testing unless AF wasn't here by Friday (a week and a couple days from now)... but NOW, I'm fighting the urge to test just to find out. It wouldn't be reliable now, I think if I hold out until monday, I'd get a pretty reliable result as it would have been 2 weeks past DTD and if I did get pregnant, then it would be ABOUT 14 DPO.
Last edited by lexirunner; 01-09-2008 at 05:58 PM.
Well it turns out I'm not pregnant. I woke up last friday night to really bad O pains. Of course I still tested on Monday just to be sure and it was negative. So that was a HUGE sigh of relief for me, although part of me was really hoping I was pregnant. So assuming I get AF 2 weeks from my O day, and that my next cycle is a perfect 28 days (YEAH RIGHT!), AND that I get pregnant that cycle... I'd be due November 1st. My cycles were always more like 30 days though. I feel so much better now that I have a goal in my head, and some sort of plan. I'm not a big planner, but I feel so lost if I have NO IDEA what is happening. Even though I'm still waiting for AF, I feel like a cloud has been lifted off my shoulders. I am just worried I have unrealistic expectations for getting pregnant. Of my three pregnancies, one was an oops (DS), and then the next two (losses) we got pregnant on the first try, so now I just expect that to happen everytime. I'll try to lower my expectations once the TTC time actually rolls around (approximately 2 weeks). I'm also going to try not to obsess too much about it. All I really do is go by my CM and then start using OPK's when I start noticing the change, so i'm not hardcore about it anyways. I usually use IC's but I've seen a lot of women guessing and analyzing the unreliable results on those. About three weeks ago I used an OPK and a preg. IC with the same urine just to make sure everything was normal with me, and I got my usual faint line on the OPK (I always get a faint line), and there was definitely a line on the preg. test within the time limit. I went out and bought a FRER just to be sure I didn't need to call the dr. and of course it was negative. This time though, I'm excited, but not TOO anxious. I've already decided not to even call the Dr. should I get a positive test until a week or two later. Last time they took blood right away and they said everything looked great and then i m/c'd 4 days later so I think I'll just spare myself that false hope. We're also not going to be telling ANYONE until after my first u/s (9 weeks) because I just can't bear to tell everyone (just parents and siblings) that we lost another baby. That, and because my mom decided to tell everyone AFTER we lost the baby both times that I was pregnant and lost the baby. Ugh... i am really MAD about that. Anyways... that is why we're keeping it a secret from them for that long, although I wouldn't lie to anyone should they ask me about it. With my first loss I was already looking pregnant at 9 weeks (the day the baby died), so we wouldn't be able to hide it for long anyways. And if the beginning weeks fall in the late spring/summer, everyone would figure it out because I wouldn't be wakeboarding and I LOVE that on the weekends. Can you tell that I've been thinking about this a LOT?? Sheesh! For me there are just so many unknowns and so many things to prepare myself for, I can't stop thinking. Hopefully now that I've written it down, I can just chill and not think about it for the next 2 or 3 weeks, and then start TTC again full force with a clear head.
I must say, I feel so relaxed lately. There are no "symptoms" to obsess over, or opk's/hpt's to analyze. It just feels nice to have a few weeks of "normalness" to just recharge my batteries and prepare for TTC again. AF should be here on Friday. I'm not sure how long you can go after ovulation with no AF, but I'm hoping for friday or even a little earlier. I'm starting to feel really PMS'y and nasty that way, but it's good because it means AF is coming and then my body will officially be cleansed from my two m/c's. I'm starting to get really excited about this coming cycle, and have a really good feeling about it, but for some reason (channeling my "psychic" side) December 2008 keeps coming to mind, so whatever! We'll just see what happens. I just feel happy in general, and have really been enjoying DS, he's changing so much! Well, off to prepare for the football game. I'm not a huge fan, but DH is and if the Packers win this game then they're going to the superbowl, so it's hard not to get a little excited for that. I hope this week goes fast and AF shows soon
Alright! Well I slept through the Packer Game because I had a feeling they were going to lose, and didn't want to torture myself... they did lose. Anyways... I was thinking today that if my body goes right back to normal... in exactly one month, I'll be fighting the urge to POAS, and if i DID... I might actually get a BFP. That is very exciting and encouraging for me Also, DH and I were talking about possibly a third baby the other day. He was in the none-to-one category regarding having kids, but he knows how important having a sibling for Jaxon is to me (DH in an only child, and I'm one of three but am really close with my sister and couldn't imagine not having her.) ANYWAYS! He made a comment about having a third baby and I almost pooped my pants because I want 3 and definitely could be convinced to have 4. Although he did say that if we ever had a 3rd baby, that he wasn't changing any of the diapers. I feel a little lost in the whole TTC business though because he never tells me how he's feeling or what he wants, but then makes comments that could go either way and i don't know if he's joking or what. Then if i bring it up, he gets all awkward and pretty much says its up to me and he'll be ok with what I want. In a way, i'm lucky, but I'm also sooooo jealous of all the women whose DH's and SO's are sooooo into the TTC process. Now don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and he says he'll be excited if we get pregnant, but he just never shows it. He's also a little dense. With my last pregnancy, I thought I'd surprise him and leave the test out in the bathroom for him to see for himself. I don't hear anything from him so I wander in there while he's in the shower and we start chatting, and he says... "well at least you know you're not pregnant." And I was like... ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!? He thought I left the test out for him to see that I wasn't pregnant and didn't even bother to look to see how many lines there were. I was a little disappointed about that, but oh well... he just doesn't share the same excitement and enthusiasm about a silly little test! Ok well I didn't intend for this to be a vent about DH because I'm not mad at him or anything. Maybe I'll just keep the news to myself for a little while the next time I'm pregnant.
Alright! AF is on her way. I've been spotting since this morning and she's due to arrive in full force at any moment! I'm pretty excited about it and am just thinking that in one month, I could be pregnant! There go my too high of hopes again, but oh well. I'll give it one month to be overly excited and then get more "realistic" about things if nothing happens.