Thread: The Whole Journey!

Well that faint line from this morning turned into an obvious BFP this afternoon. I'm really nervous about it because it obviously implanted pretty late, and I googled "late implantation." Basically it said that the later it implants, the less chance of survival. I believe it was at only 52% at 11 dpo, so we'll see what happens. I have good thoughts because only 5 hours later the line was obviously darker and I only held my pee for 3 hours tops. I will obviously be testing in the morning for the next few days to see if the line gets any darker. I'm so scared, but I'm hoping for good things. I'm due August 7th, 2010. I guess maybe I'm not so crazy after all.

I'm soooo angry, upset, confused, and frustrated with everything. Let my lay it all out first, and then i'll add my commentary.

14 DPO - Snow white BFN with FMU (FRER). Not even a hint of a line... DH confirms no line, and I accept the fact AGAIN that I'm not pregnant. I start spotting mid day but it's just brown/brownish red discharge.

15 DPO - BFP with FMU (FRER) and the line is faint, but darker than my previous BFP's. No more spotting.

WTF!!! There's no way this is a viable pregnancy. Why!!!!?! I'm so beyond pissed off at my body it's not even funny. All I need is for this to be an ectopic and it'll be the icing on the cake. I'll have to kill my baby AND stop nursing because of it. I decided to call the dr. tomorrow regardless of what an hpt says tomorrow (unless I start actively bleeding before morning.) I'm frustrated about that because my last OB stopped delivering right after Wes was born... and before her, my dr. just up and left the practice. So I've had 3 different OB's in the last 3 years. It's going to be a pain in the ***, and no one is going to listen to me. Whatever... I'll update tomorrow with what is going on. SO PISSED!

Well just for fun, I took a picture of my pee stick from this morning. Here it is compared to my tests from 2 days ago.

13 DPO FMU


13 DPO Afternoon Urine (3 hours)


15 DPO FMU

So I got the faintest of faint lines this morning. I totally flipped out about why this is happening to me. I asked one of my friends who is a women's health nurse about what she thinks is going on, and she basically just told me to call the dr. and get some bloodwork done. So I called and left a message for the nurse, and like 5 minutes later, started bleeding like a period. So that makes things pretty final for me, but she still wanted me to go in and get my blood taken to make sure it truly is a miscarriage. I can't imagine it's not, but if that's what they need. At least it'll be in their records that I've had yet another miscarriage.

I also told DH that it's so hard for me now, because I've been really trying to convince myself I don't want another baby, and now I'm going to want one more than ever. I have to be honest with him that way. I also asked him to just think about maybe trying for a due date of late Dec. 2010, Jan. or Feb. 2011. Those would work out really well with school. I might just try to get all that out of the way sooner rather than later so I have the majority of next year to possibly have a baby and not have to worry about prerequisites. Maybe I won't even have to take any... that would be so awesome! Anyways... that's where I'm at. I'll probably update with my blood work results later

So my Hcg is at 8, and my progesterone is 1.1... don't even need to spell it out. They want me to go back in 48 hours to make sure it's down to zero. I'm so sad. All I want is to have another baby... and all I manage to do is kill them. I'm up to 4 m/c's now. Maybe I should have been tested. I think I might ask DH about that... I want another baby soooo badly, but I need to know if there's something I can be doing to help. I know DH isn't willing to try for another right now, and that's hard for me to accept, but I can't change that. All I can do is hope he comes around.

I didn't go back for my second blood draw. I've obviously miscarried and that's that. I'm so so so sad about it. Dh truly doesn't want any more babies, and I feel this was my only chance. I don't understand why. My dream is for him to come to me and tell me that he wants to have another baby... whatever it takes. That won't happen.

I love when I come here, ready to bear my heart and soul, and I get redirected to the sign in page. Totally a mood killer.

Anyways! I'm in super baby fever mode. I can't stop thinking about it. DH and I "compromised" and got a kitten, but it's not doing the trick.

I get so depressed when I look back at my BFP's from the chem pregnancy. I'm so sad I'm not pregnant anymore. I've been stalking the July/August boards... just reading about what I should be going through right now... wishing it was real. Every time I see someone complaining about being pregnant, I want to just go at them... let them know how lucky they are to actually be pregnant. That it can be taken away so quickly, and to cherish every moment. I am so jealous of everyone who is having babies... or even TRYING for more babies.

I pray every night to let me have another baby. I really feel like, if it's meant to be, it will happen. At the same time, it's hard to just sit and wait. I want it to happen now... why can't he see how much I want it? If we hadn't had the "oopsies" and gotten pregnant, it wouldn't hurt so bad. I really hope some day (in the next few years) that he'll realize how much he loves his kids and wants another.

That's all I'm willing to expose right now. It's been the most stressful 2 months ever, and I just want something good to happen.

There goes another wasted egg. Probably damaged goods anyways. I hate my body, and hate that it doesn't do what it's built to do.

I'm so resentful towards people... it's terrible and I hate that I feel that way. Why can't I just be happy for others? More importantly... why can't my husband see how much I want another baby? I would do anything for him!

Not to make him out to be a bad person, he's just thinking of it all in a logical way. I see his points, and really understand them... but he doesn't understand how it FEELS. To know that it's YOUR body that has failed. My heart has always overpowered my head, and this is no exception. In this circumstance, I'm really not trying to let my head lead anyways. I can't understand why having another baby is such a controversy.

I hate how pregnant people complain about being pregnant. Clearly you knew what was part of the package! Why would you agree to it, and then ***** about it all the time. I'm totally trying to hold my tongue. These ladies have no idea how lucky they are. I would love to be pregnant right now... puking my guts out... all for the well being of my baby. Whatever... I hope they never know how it feels to wish for those things because you've lost 4 babies.

Well today has been an excellent day! Earlier today I got a call from the technical college I'm going to be attending, telling me that I can start my nursing assistant class TOMORROW! NICE! I'm so excited! Finally, I'll be able to do something for ME and in the end, will help our family. I'll be able to work a little bit and get out of the house. Bring in a little extra money that we need now BECAUSE.....

DH is changing jobs. He got an offer from a different company and he decided to accept it. This makes our 12+ hour day away from each other, down to 8. I'm so happy for him and us. They only bad part is that he had to take a pay cut, but they have an excellent raise/bonus system. So he should be back up to where he was pretty soon. In the mean time, I'll be working so it'll bring in a little bit of extra money.

So that's my good news. I'm not always depressed about life... just sometimes.