Well I guess I should say that I've had some wine already tonight so I guess I'm feeling very open. I was thinking about how I had all that blood work done with my third pregnancy (2nd m/c), and I'm just super angry about it. The day I m/c, I actually let myself get a little excited... all the bloodwork was "fantastic" from a few days before... i just don't know why I let myself go there. I am also very upset because it seems like no one there listens to what i'm saying. Maybe if they had actually listened to me when I said that I knew I ovulated on "this day", they would have known that something was off right away and I could have been spared. But NO.... the dates they gave me didn't make sense, and I tried to correct them, but no one would listen, and stupid me just thought everything would be ok. Oh well, there is nothing I can do to change it now. AF arrived on Friday (1/24), so that is probably why I'm so moody. My mom decided to tell that I should wait a few more months to TTC (it's totally not her business), and I got pretty upset with her. My Dr. said to wait one cycle, and I have... I have been anticipating this, and just hanging onto the fact that now we can ACTUALLY ttc again with the consent of the dr, and she has to go and ruin it for me. That's a whole different topic though. I am still very excited and antsy for O time to come... but as much as I like to think that her opinion doesn't mean anything... I have some serious concerns now about TTC agains so soon after 2 losses. I know in my heart that the second loss was because my body just wasn't ready after the D&C. I feel ready emotionally and physically and that's all that should matter.... which is what i'm telling myself. Once AF is done, I'll feel better because DH and I can actually get down to business!
Frustration is starting to be the story of my LIFE, which really sucks because I really don't want TTC to take over my life. I guess it's hard after having two losses not to get a little obsessed. AF showed last friday so I'm on CD 9 right now. AF stopped completely two days ago, and DH and I DTD yesterday afternoon, and I started spotting again soon after into today. I feel a little better because it's brown today and yesterday it was pink, but it's still frustrating a little bit that things aren't going right back to normal. It just frustrates me because now I know I'm having an unpredictable cycle and I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up so high... but I guess it's good that I got a little reality check because then I won't be horribly disappointed if we don't get preg. right away. We will still be DTD every other day, and I'll start using OPK's next week Tuesday probably and hopefully by the end of the week or the beginning of the week after I'll get a positive. Just as long as I O I'll be happy... I just like to know when. Oh well... it'll be a test of my patience I guess. Now I'm talking about all this just assuming that things are going to be off just because I've been spotting for a couple days longer that I usually do. I guess we'll see! On a lighter note... the In-Laws are in Mexico for the week, so we're vacationing at their house this weekend. It's a nice change of pace. DH and I are going to a movie tonight, and possibly dinner while my parent's watch Jaxon, which will be fun for all parties involved. Alright well that's my update. I'm sure I'll be back soon with either a happy "I ovulated" entry, or a "I'm pissed I haven't ovulated yet" post. Lets hope for the first one!
Well I thought I'd feel better after AF arrived and we could start TTC again, but jeez, my head won't stop thinking about all the what if's. I am truely obsessing over this, and I really don't know how I will handle potentially months of this! I think if it takes more than a couple months, I'll be used to it, and just won't get my hopes up as much. Anyways! Today there was no more spotting (even after DTD) and my CM was creamy, which sounds like I'd be right on track for an O day later this week (crossing fingers). I am so excited, but I am seriously just trying to calm down a little and just let things happen like we did the last 3 times. I took an OPK tonight and there was a faint line, but I usually get a faint line. I am hoping that tomorrow the line will be a little darker. I feel much less crazy now that I've written that all out! On a different note, my little baby Jaxon is sick with a cold, and I feel so bad. He goes to an in home day care once a week, and since he's been there (1 month), he's been sick 3 times. I guess he has to get immunity at some point, it just stinks that he's miserable. He goes to the Dr. on Tuesday for his 15 month well check up, but I'll have them check out his lungs too since he's got a pretty wet cough. Our weekend went really well, and it was nice to stay at the in-laws' house while they were away.
Well I should be ovulating tomorrow... but who knows if that will happen. I am still only getting faint lines on the OPK's although last night's was a little darker so I'm still holding out a little hope for today's OPK. I actually already took one, but it was at 10:00AM, and with very diluted pee, so I know I can't use that one. I figure I'll do another one later this afternoon and will try and hold my pee for a couple hours. I can't imagine anyone really caring about my OPK's, but at least if I DO get pregnant this cycle, I can come back and laugh at how crazy I was being about it all. I also paid for one of those Cheri predictions. I've looked into it in the past, but didn't really feel the need to go through with it. Today my curiosity got the best of me, and it was only $8. I asked if she could tell me when I would conceive, the gender, and if she could tell me if it would be a successful pregnancy/if i would have any more miscarriages. I don't know if she predicts those things, but I guess it can't hurt to ask. Even though I am a bit skeptical about those things, she seems to be pretty accurate, so that will give me at least a little peace of mind... I know that sounds silly, but I'll take what I can get. Although I don't know what I will do if she tells me I WILL have more losses... what would I do with THAT?! I guess i should have thought about that before I asked. I can't imagine I would have another loss... but maybe that is because I just can't bear to go through it again and won't let myself go back there. Anyways... that is all for now, I'll update later on the results of my OPK.
I took 3 OPK's yesterday, and decided that I was going off the deep end and needed to stop all together. Last night we packed things up and headed out to the in law's house (they're in Mexico until saturday.), and I left the OPK's at home. While they worked before, I always waited for cues from my body before I started using them, and yesterday I had nothing going on that pointed to Ovulation. I must say I feel so much less stressed, and I know my body well enough to be able to tell when ovulation is getting close. This morning I woke up with almost EWCM. It was wet and creamy, but I get TONS of it when I'm about to ovulate, so I'm hoping that I'll ovulate in the next couple days. We BD'd this morning, so if things keep progressing, that should be pretty good timing. I took DS to the Dr. on Tuesday and he his doing very well developmentally, but the Dr. thinks he has the beginnings of Bronchitis, so he's on an antibiotic to kick that, and his cough is getting MUCH better. Well that's about it for now. I just feel so happy and good today, this is going to be a good weekend. Then it's on to obsessing over possible preg. symptoms... although everytime i was pregnant I just KNEW, so I'm not too worried about it. Its the waiting to O that's killing me! Ok done now... BYE!
We're back home from our weekend retreat and I'm in poor spirits. I woke up with a really sore throat, which totally sucks. I took an opk this afternoon and it was negative... like VERY negative so I don't know what is going on. I guess it's possible I missed O, but I haven't had any TRUE EWCM so I highly doubt it, and I am always really sore the day after. I am tired of thinking O is a day or two away, and then the next day I get no CM or anything! Anyways, I'm just going to take cues from my body and try to be patient. I go into the office tomorrow, so tomorrow will go by fast which is nice. Then it's only 4 days until the weekend I also bought a crocheting book so that will be fun and will help keep my mind off baby making.
Alright well my CM changed to fertile looking. It's clear, and stretchy to about an inch... so yeah, hopefully it continues to get more fertile tomorrow and we'll make a baby! I'm sure i've grossed out anyone who's read this... so sorry
Alright... an update! Still a negative OPK, but my CM was definitely more abundant today, so that is promising. So I know this is going to sound dumb, but I got my Cheri prediction today and it totally put my mind at ease. I don't know if it's for real or whatever, but I figure $8 for peace of mind is perfect! She sent me a confirmation of payment this morning with a general prediction of a BOY that is associated with March. It's really funny if it works out that way because I always saw myself with two boys, and deep down... I felt December was my month (I think I even wrote it in a previous post). It makes me feel better because I guess I DO believe in that sort of thing. If she's wrong, then maybe I'll get pregnant this cycle. If she's right, I might STILL get pregnant this cycle (late O), next cycle, or at the longest... a few more. I must admit, when she said she saw boy I was a little disappointed... I LOVE my little boy to death, but I still feel like I want a girl. But now, I am just in love with the idea of having another baby, and if it's a boy, then Jaxon will hopefully be really close with his brother. I just feel a lot of pressure because BOTH grandma's want a grand-daughter. I also asked her if I would have any more miscarriages. She didn't specify if I would have another loss in between now and the next baby. I guess I'll just wait and see what she says, and then see what happens! She said by Feb. 20th she'll have a more detailed prediction, and I saw someone else's prediction where the gender had changed... so I guess we'll see. I had a dream last night that I got a positive pregnancy test. I'm sure it's just because it's been on my mind, but the only other time I've had those dreams was when I was pregnant. I hope no one minds that I am posting about TTC but not on that specific journal board. Eventually I'll have more to write about.
Now I can start obsessing about possibly being pregnant, instead of possibly O'ing. I'm not sure when I ovulated, which is strange for me because usually its very obvious. Instead of really horrible pain on one side for a few hours, i had more dull pain and twinges from BOTH sides (after the pos. OPK) for a whole day. Maybe it didn't actually happen... who knows now! My CM is drying up so I think I did a couple days ago. Anyways! I am excited and am just going to relax for this next week, and then I'll be in full on analysis mode. I just really hope it happens this cycle, then I wouldn't have to obsess anymore. Well I'm about 2 dpo, so if I am pregnant, I usually start feeling things (tiredness, lack of appetite, headaches) between 7 and 10 dpo, so we'll see! Next week at this time, I could have a really good idea if things are going in my favor, and I am going to test a week from Monday, which would put me around 11-12 dpo. Actually, I'll only test with a good test if i'm really feeling it. I bought a 2 pack of CBE digital. I got a positive on a digital at 11 dpo in the afternoon with my first m/c so i think that will be good timing. I sure hope I can hold out until then. It will be so worth it if I wait until that day and it's positive. Now I just have to think of a way to make this week go quickly! I might even get AF early if I'm not pregnant, because today I feel like I have terrible PMS regarding my mood. I suppose the obsession has already begun because I always get super *****y and depressed early on in pregnancy! I just have to laugh at myself, thinking I would just relax for a week. OH WELL! Hopefully all this obsessing will be well worth it.