Thread: The Whole Journey!

So I calmed myself down about everything, and haven't been worked up or terribly nervous at all. I guess I'm saving it all up for Thursday I think now that it's so close, I'm just enjoying my pregnancy in my ignorant bliss! If something is wrong I'll have only two more days to just enjoy it. I am feeling really good about things though, so I am really expecting nothing to be wrong.

Alright I guess I should update things. I have been in this constant limbo of good news and bad news that I can't find the balance between letting myself get excited and preparing for the worst. So! Firstly, my first ultrasound went alright. I was supposed to be 6 weeks, give or take a day, and all she really could see was the gestational sac and the yolk sac (in the uterus)! I was disappointed, and asked if that was ok to see if I was 6 weeks along, and she said no, that they like to see more of the baby and a heartbeat by that point. So I left there feeling really disappointed and upset, but she said I could come back in a week to make sure there was a heartbeat and baby. So fast forward to the next Friday... should be about 7 weeks by this time. Well she got in there and took a while, but did indeed find a baby with a heartbeat! WOOHOO! Now the sketchy part. She did a measurement, and the baby only measured 6 weeks 1 day. That would be pretty good considering my ultrasound the week before was consistent with 5ish weeks. I guess now I'm confused about things. If I was only 6 weeks, 1 day at that time... i would have gotten my BFP at like.... 3 DPO!!!! So totally not possible, but my numbers were a little slow rising, so now I'm thinking that maybe with the lower numbers, it obviously would take longer for the baby to measure a certain size. She also just used a portable machine, so she could be off by a bit. I am just trying to take the heartbeat as good news, and just overlook the rest of it until my next ultrasound... which is a week from saturday (4/5). I am hoping for a baby with a heartbeat that is measuring at LEAST 8 weeks 2 days... and hopefully more like 9 weeks. I have heard some stories of women measuring small, and then they go back in a week or two and their baby has made up the time plus some! I just don't know what to think. I'm trying to get a feel from an intuition standpoint, and i think my emotions are getting in the way. In a way, I have a bad feeling about it because with the slow numbers, and the small measure... it just doesn't sound good. But I really am not getting a bad feeling about it. I have a hard time believing things will be alright, but that is my own defense mechanism kicking in... so it's hard to say. I am still feeling really tired, but am not overly pregnant feeling. To me, that is a positive sign though because with DS, i had absolutely NO symptoms... well maybe one or two, but nothing major. With my two miscarriages, I was really sick and throwing up and had pretty bad symptoms... so who knows! I am just preparing for the worst (as much as I possibly can), and hoping for the best (but not too much)! My mom is going with me because I will definitely need someone there if things don't go well, and it'll be fun for her if everything is fine! Another thing that has me on edge is that the Dr. doesn't want me to schedule my first OB appointment until after my next u/s to see how things are going. That leads me to believe that she is a little concerned with how i'm progressing, but I also have a history, so maybe she's just trying to be careful. Who knows!

Well after all the worrying and stressing, I finally got my answer. I started spotting, so I went in for a quick scan, and there was no longer a heartbeat. The spotting has picked up a little bit, and I'm cramping pretty badly. I can only imagine how bad it's going to get. With my chem. pregnancy, I had horrible cramps for a couple days, so I'm a little prepared for how this one is going to go. The OB who confirmed the m/c also gave me a cup to collect any "fetal tissue" if I pass anything recognizable. I can't imagine trying to fish my baby out of the toilet, but I'd like some answers on why I've had 3 miscarriages now. It sucks, because I was trying to be so optimistic about things, but deep down I knew things weren't adding up. When I spend 5 weeks trying to convince myself that even though NOTHING adds up, things will still work out... that's a good sign it's not going to end well. DH and I talked a little bit, and while TTC isn't the first thing on our minds, we'll wait a little bit and just let ourselves heal.

I had a follow up appointment on Monday with my regular OB, because the on call OB did my u/s on Friday. She had no idea what happened, so I was a little shocked that it wasn't in my file or anything... but whatever. She went over all her notes and everything on my pregnancy, and was really surprised that it failed. She said my progesterone was fantastic, and my levels were rising appropriately, although a little slow. She must have been looking at u/s pictures because she kept saying how fantastic the yolk sac looked, and how surprised she was. I also brought up testing, with this being my 3rd m/c, and she really wants us to try one more time. She feels that since the last two started going wrong so early, that it was probably chromosomal with the baby, and nothing with me... but if I miscarry again, she'll definitely recommend some sort of testing. I'm not sure how much we'd do because it costs about $5000 (thats with no help from health insurance, but we don't have the greatest so i'm sure we'd have to pay a lot of $$ either way). She did say we could try taking baby aspirin the next time, and she has very high hopes that we'll have a successful pregnancy next time. So I left there feeling good about it, and ready to try again... although I think I want to wait longer than the one cycle she recommended waiting. It's just so stressful, even though we don't have issues getting pregnant. I also won't be using OPK's or testing unnecessarily. I think I know my body well enough now, and I was stressed before because I wanted our kids to be 2 years or less apart... well that's all out the window now... so when it happens, it happens and I'll be happy

*** Kinda graphic m/c details so don't read if that will bother you ***

Alright, the worst has passed, physically anyways. My husband stayed home on Tuesday, and it was good that he did. I knew the worst was coming, so I just tried to mentally prepare for it. My cramping got REALLY bad, and I was basically gushing blood. I started to get really worried because I was going through a pad in about 20 minutes. I decided to just take a shower, but had to use the bathroom before getting in, and that's when I passed the sac. It was about the size of a half dollar. It sounds gross, but I tried to take it out of the toilet... I thought maybe I could save it and bury it in the garden, or where we plant some flowers, but the whole thing just broke apart when I tried to grab it. It hit me about 10 minutes later, while I was standing in the shower, that I just flushed my baby down the toilet... I still feel horribly guilty that I couldn't give him/her a better burial. I thought that would be all, but I was still bleeding and cramping really bad, and maybe 2 hours later I passed another huge mass of tissue. I assume that was placenta, and whatever else goes along with that. Then it was like a switch was flipped, because my bleeding really slowed down, and I had no more cramping. I hope everything passed and I can start to move on emotionally.

So I was in the shower today and just wondering if God is really there. I prayed and prayed before I got pregnant the last two times, to please don't let me get pregnant unless it will be a healthy viable pregnancy. Now obviously this didn't happen. After I got pregnant, I prayed so hard that everything go well and I would do everything I could to make sure I stayed healthy. This obviously didn't happen either. Now, the day before I started spotting, I prayed that either I start spotting or get REALLY sick and have tons of symptoms so at least I know what is going on... and the next day I started spotting. I guess I am confused about what I am doing wrong here. Am I asking for too much? Am I being selfish in wanting another baby? We went to the zoo yesterday, and it was family free day (we were unaware), and pretty much every woman there was hugely pregnant. It made me sad. We had to leave after only about 20 minutes, but only because it was too crowded. Normally I turn to wine to drown out my sadness, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have turned to food instead, and that is going to stop tomorrow. I'm throwing out all the candy and junk around here, and just having healthy food. I guess tomorrow is the beginning of returning to real life, and I'm not looking forward to it. I have to go, I'm crying to hard to type or think anymore.

It's really hard trying not to cry all day. I think subconsciously I knew today was going to be a rough one, because I kept myself busy all morning until Jaxon went down for a nap. It just kinda hit me, and now I can't wait for him to get up so we can play and do fun stuff together. I just didn't think I would take it so hard. I did really well for the first week or so, and then it just hit me. I think I'm most sad that we decided to wait until July or August... or two or three cycles (which ever comes first) to start TTC again. It's relieving in a way, because for the last 6 months I've either been obsessed with when I'm going to ovulate, when to test, and when my pregnancy is going to fail. I just feel empty though, like I have a void to fill, and nothing is filling it, I know that will become bearable with time, it's just hard right now. After I get my period, i'm going to be soooo antsy to start TTC, but I know I shouldn't. 3 pregnancies in 6 months with only 1 real period is just too much stress on a body and I think it just needs to rest and get back to normal. I think our chances of having a successful pregnancy will be greater if my body is healthy, so that is why we are waiting. It'll be nice to enjoy wakeboarding and having drinks in the sun and all that, but everytime I do those things, I'll be reminded that i really shouldn't be able to do them... 3 times over! I should be almost 10 weeks... or almost 20 weeks.... OR almost due... all at the same time. That seems so weird to me. Anyways... i'm just thoroughly depressed... I sure hope it passes soon.

Well I guess I'm feeling a little better today. Last night I drank 2 beers and they hit me pretty hard, which of course fueled my emotions. DH didn't even know what to do. That's a big reason why I hate crying in front of him, he tries to help and make it better, and that's not what I need. I just need him to let me cry and not say he just doesn't understand how to help me. I tell him everytime, that I don't need him to do anything except give me a hug, but he can't help it. He's just too nice. I'm starting to feel antsy about TTC again. I know i really SHOULD wait longer than one cycle, but I just want a baby... so we'll see. I think maybe after that first cycle, we'll just not prevent, and keep it stress free. I emailed cheri22 to update her on my situation, and now she says she sees BOY and JUNE... so whatever. I guess that could still be the same as the last prediction, because if I conceived in June, I would be due in March. I don't really care though, I was just curious to see if it had changed. If her prediction was for my last pregnancy, then I guess the baby died in march, but I didn't actually have it until April 1st, so I dunno if that plays into her predictions. Now I sound silly, but I'm just clinging to anything right now, even though her predictions are really nothing because she can't say whether or not the pregnancy she has predicted will be viable. On a happier note, I'm basically done with all the physical parts of the miscarriage, and now will just be anxiously awaiting AF. I really just need to take a chill pill, because I have soooo long to have another baby, and you know what... maybe i'll even have another one after that. I don't know why I put dead lines on this, it just adds so much more stress. I think I'll just try not to think about it until after I get AF... hopefully will be ovulating in the next week or so. Maybe I'll buy a pregnancy test and see if it's negative.. I'm sure it would be though.

Well just when I was getting used to the idea of not being pregnant for a little while, and getting excited about not having to stress about any of that stuff... it happened. We had a bad OOPS! Well, I think it was good, but I was sooooo drunk. We were spending the night at the in laws and we all had too much wine, but somehow I had WAY too much. I think its just because I haven't had anything to drink in a couple months, but yeah. I asked DH in the morning if we had been irresponsible, and he said yes. Now the sketchy part... I'm ovulating. I just took an OPK and it wasn't positive, but there's a dark line (it's 11 am with diluted pee). Generally I get an OPK that looks like that the day before my positive, but that is when I take it in the evening. I always ovulate on the day of my positive OPK, so I'm guessing it will happen tonight or tomorrow. If it's tonight, that's really close to the danger zone, but if it's tomorrow I'll relax a little. I am NOT ready to be pregnant again... as much as I know I want it, I just can't imagine jumping back into it so soon. I'm starting the prenatals, baby aspirin, and also vitamin B6/B12 probably today... just in case and then will continue until I have a baby in my arms So I'm going to not really think about it too much. I have a follow up with the dr. in a couple weeks, so I guess I'll get some answers at that point. Anyways... i'm sure I'll be updating on the situation if I ovulate later, or sooner.

So besides that OPK, I haven't really had any indication of ovulation. My "snot like" CM went away after the next day, and I didn't feel any O pains whatsoever, which is really unheard of for me. They even wake me up from sleep if it happens overnight. The only thing that has me a little on edge is that I kinda feel pregnant. I really haven't been obsessing or anything, just taking things as they come. I had a terrible hot flash yesterday, followed by nausea, which is consistent with my last pregnancy. I also have been dead tired, but that could be from me staying up until 11:30 or 12 every night... and having a glass of wine or two. I also have been feeling really PMS-y the last few days... like really *****y and really weepy and depressed All these things can be easily explained by other situations though, so I really don't think anything has happened. Oh yeah, I've also had an increase in my CM, like more than my normal "nothing happening in the uterus" time, but it hasn't increased, so that also is making me think something is up. But on that same note, I could also be gearing up to O, so we'll see. I'm just going to wait for the results of my preggo test at the dr.'s on the 29th to get my answer. HAHA... I say that now... I'm sure I'll cave next weekend if I still haven't felt any noticeable ovulation pain or anything like that. So yeah, that's about all... just a little nervous, but not really believing I ovulated so not TOO bad.

I decided I'm going to take a test on friday morning. I have to put my mind at ease. I've been having some minor stuff going on, but it could also be AF getting ready to show up. I have a zit IN my nose, and then another just underneath it. Zits in my nose has always been a preggo sign for me, but could also be AF. I also have been having a lot of heartburn and nausea. Those two go hand in hand though, i've been known to have flare ups of heartburn, so again... probably normal. I just want to document what i've been feeling just in case. Then I can read back and see how things all fell into place... or see how crazy i've been If I am pregnant, I don't have that, "I just know" feeling. That might be because I've been trying to convince myself that I'm not for the last week and a half. That's all. I'll update Friday on how the test goes... it's kinda nice because it's really a win win situation.