Ok 3 dpo today and I'm feeling pretty crampy down low and in my lower back. I also have been in a very nasty mood in the mornings... pretty similar to how I feel right before AF... a hormonal rage. My CM has also turned thick and creamy which I've had with all my pregnancies. Other than that, I just have a feeling. I woke up this morning with the thought "I'm pregnant" in my head. I even told DH that I'm pretty sure I am pregnant, but he won't get his hopes up until I know for sure. He did say that he hopes I am, which pretty much made me melt I'm going to test in one week (10 dpo), unless I can muster up the energy to wait until the next day. I'll have a pretty good idea by then anyways. I'm taking my prenatals really well, and also one baby aspirin a day. I hope that helps get us our sticky bean and healthy baby. Ok that's all... I keep having to remind myself that I don't know I'm pregnant yet. I could be in for a big disappointment.
And I have no idea why! I tested this morning around 4 am after only holding my pee for 5ish hours, at 10 dpo. I'm not really surprised it was negative, but I really think I'm pregnant. I have really bad pulling/crampy feelings in my uterus area for the last week or so. I squeezed a nice amount of colostrum out of my boob yesterday. I am really sick feeling today, and I threw up last night. I really hope I'm pregnant. I haven't pee'd for about 5 hours and haven't had anything to drink since about 8 this morning. I really hope I get a positive. I'll update in like 10 minutes probably, even though I'm sure it'll be negative. If it is, then I'm going to wait a couple days and use FMU... that should be pretty accurate.
I can't believe it. I mean I can, but wow! The line popped up immediately. It's soooo faint though, so I'm not really counting it until I see it get darker. Assuming the test is still positive in the morning, I'll call the dr. on Wednesday so I can get in for bloodwork on wednesday and friday. I'm so excited. I just know this one will work out... it HAS to! OH YEAH! I'd be due March 20th.
I tested again this morning, and the line popped up immediately and was much darker. No squinting needed! I am really excited, but also nervous... obviously. My due date should be March 20th. I just hope this works out so much. I have a good feeling about it, and I'm already feeling sick, so that gives me a lot of hope that things are at least going well so far. I'm calling the dr. tomorrow and will go in for bloodwork tomorrow and friday and then we'll have a better idea of how things are going. Now I just have to decide if I want to use my last test tomorrow morning for a comparison, or wait until friday morning to see if there is a TON of difference. I think I just will tomorrow and then try to take it easy and just let things come as the come. I have some hope too because with both of my cheri predictions, the first one she said MARCH for conceive, find out in, or birth month. That prediction didn't match up with my last pregnancy at all. So then I got another one, and she said JUNE for all the options. That matches up perfectly because I did conceive in June, and (hopefully) will give birth in March. She also said it would be a boy, which is good because then we wouldn't need to buy anything at all! Except a few little things that I might feel like buying. Well that's all, I'm sure I'll update tomorrow with my bloodwork results... and then about how I'm panicking about Friday's results.
I had my first BETA yesterday (12 dpo) and my HCG was at 54 and progesterone was at 30. I'm very happy with those numbers. I am pretty nervous for tomorrow's results though. Today I took a pregnancy test just to see... I had been up all night peeing and used 2 hour old urine at that, and the line was tons darker than two days ago, so I feel good about that. And I also feel good that I used my last test, so its one less thing to obsess about. I am kinda nervous because I feel pretty good today. Still tired, but not really as bad as yesterday, and barely any nausea. So I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. I know its still really early for major symptoms, so I'm not going to think about it too much. Just get through the rest of today and tomorrow and I'll know. I sure hope things will turn out alright this time.
My numbers came back REALLY good. 12 dpo was 54 and 14 dpo was 187... that's a doubling time of about 26 hours. CRAZY! I'm pretty excited, but still nervous. Part of me wonders if really fast doubling times can be as bad as slow ones, but I'm not lingering on that thought. I was also thinking that with a doubling time that fast, maybe there's more than one. I really doubt it though. That's pretty rare, and I just don't really FEEL like there's more than one in there. I hope the dr. calls tomorrow so I can get in for an u/s at 6ish weeks to check things out. I might actually be excited for it this time, instead of sooooo terrified!
The doctor called and congratulated me on the great numbers, and also said I can come in around 6 weeks for an ultrasound to check and make sure things are still going well. I of course took her up on her offer, and have one scheduled for July 31st. I will be 6 weeks 6 days at that point, but I'd rather wait the extra week and get a definite answer, than go in right at 6 weeks and see something but not a h/b... the extra week of wondering what if and all that is just too much for me. I have been feeling alright. Just a little nauseous these days, but REALLY tired. I really feel pregnant, so even if I have a day where I feel alright, I am not worrying too much. I still am having some achyness and stuff more on my left side than on my right, but it's not tender to push on it or anything. I am just a little worried about it, but not bad enough to call the dr. Now if the next 2 weeks could fly by... that would be great!
As my U/S date approaches, I'm getting more and more nervous. It's pretty much the same as when I am testing to see if I'm pregnant. I have been feeling pretty good since the weekend. When I say I'm feeling good, I just mean I'm not sick. That really worries me, since I was feeling pretty sick for a couple weeks and now it's tapered off. Food still sounds pretty gross to me though, even though I feel really hungry. I am still really tired and moody, and my boobs are still hurting, so it's not like ALL my symptoms have diappeared... just the one. Oh yeah, and I have been getting pretty bad headaches daily. I know my u/s is just over a week away, but this last week and a half really flew by, so it'll be here before I know it. And then I'll either be really happy, or devastated. I'm just so nervous about it, but trying not to think about it. I've been doing really well just by staying busy and that helps me not to dwell on all the "what ifs". A lot of it is also that I can not possibly fathom going through another miscarriage. I really think I would come out of it a broken person. I think a lot about what will happen if things go badly with this pregnancy, and I kinda scare myself and have to take a step back, because that hasn't even happened yet. It also makes me sad because I can't enjoy my pregnancy like others can. I have a hard time getting involved with the March BB because I can't handle all the women so carelessly happy about everything. It makes me so jealous. I also am having a hard time on the PAAL board because it reminds me of what could happen, and that we're all there because we've had losses. If everything is as it should be in the u/s, then I'll probably really let my guard down. I just hope everything is fine.
I woke up this morning in analysis mode (as usual), and finally got so sick of it. I called the doc and expressed my concerns (to the receptionist) about my symptoms disappearing and she put a message back to the nurses. I still haven't gotten a call back, but that's ok because now I feel dumb for even calling. I guess maybe I was hoping to get a second opinion. I just need a professional to tell me I'm being paranoid. In all honesty, I am still feeling pregnant, I am just so scared to go to my u/s next week with no idea what is going on. Maybe they'll even let me in for an u/s today or tomorrow. I'll be 6 weeks so I should see a baby with a h/b. Last night I had a dream we had an u/s and it was twins. Then the dr. told us that the twins' h/b's were very slow and they probably wouldn't make it. I was bawling, but then we went back later and their h/b's were perfect.
Well my u/s is today and I'm freaking out... obviously. I really think things will be ok, but you just never know. My appointment is in a few hours, so I'll update later or tomorrow. I sure hope it's not a bad update.
Ok so almost a week later, I remembered I didn't update. Everything is going great! She found the baby and h/b right away. There's only one in there... which i'm perfectly fine with. The baby measures 6 weeks 4 days, which is 2 days behind what I know I was at the time, but I'm not worried about it. It was so early, and on a portable machine, there's no way it would be %100 accurate. So I go back on August 19th for another u/s. She said with patients with a history of m/c, she likes to see them every 2 weeks until I hit 10-12 weeks and then we'll schedule the first prenatal. I guess that makes sense. As of now, I'm not nervous for the next u/s, but I know I will be as the date approaches. At least it's earlier in the week, and day. It'll be here before I know it. If that u/s is great, then I'll really relax. I'll be about 9 weeks 4 days, so if things are going well... the chance of something happening goes down a lot. I've been feeling really tired and having really strong bouts of nausea so I think things are still going well. That's all!
I hate how it happens. I am absolutely dreading my u/s next week. I am so nervous already. My nausea has let up a LOT, and has become very manageable. Which, of course, makes me even more nervous. I'm still sick in the morning if i don't eat, and still gag if i even think about brushing my teeth. And I'm still SUPER tired. I am just having a really hard time imagining myself leaving the dr.'s office next week with good news. I know it's just myself preparing for the worst. I don't have any real reason (except my m/s becoming manageable) to think anything is wrong. And Tuesday will be here so fast, I think that's what is making me scared too. As always... at least I'll know how things are going.
Well I had my 2nd ultrasound yesterday and everything went great. Baby is measuring 2 days AHEAD now, instead of 2 days behind. It was all on the portable machine, so the resolution wasn't the greatest, but we could still see the h/b really clear. And you could see the arms and legs starting. I'll have to scan in a picture. I am excited and just ordered a fetal h/b doppler. I used some of my birthday money for it and prepaid for 3 months and even got overnight shipping. I just realized that I let my guard down and assumed that things are going to be ok. It feels nice. I really am starting to let myself believe that we will come out of this with a healthy baby! Of course, I know things can happen, but I've had my guard up long enough. At this point, it's going to be devastating regardless of me being positive or negative about this pregnancy. Anyways... I have my first official OB appointment next Thursday (8/28), and I'm trying to make a list of things I want for my birth. I want to be as natural as possible and with very few interventions. I don't want details, just a general idea of the midset of the doctor's in the practice and the hospital. Well that's all. I sure hope I can hear the h/b for myself! I'll update if I can.
YAY! I rented a doppler for a few months so I could check in on the baby before I start feeling movement for reassurance. I tried the first day I got it at just under 10 weeks and couldn't find it. Then I tried again a few days later. At first nothing... and then I felt this weird flutter (I know not the baby yet, but it made me think to move the probe up), so I moved the probe up a little higher and found it right away. I tried again this morning and heard super loud. I am so happy! I have my first OB appointment on Thursday where i'll get another ultrasound too. I started feeling better (symptoms wise) for a couple weeks, but now I'm back to feeling like poo again. Super tired and nauseous. I don't really care because it makes me feel like things are still going well. I hope to see the babe really moving around and all that fun stuff in a couple days.
My first appointment went great. Had all the yucky tests done, and am glad that's over with. Then we got to see baby again. He was really quiet and not moving at first, and then all of a sudden there was a jerk, and he just started bouncing all over the place and stomping his feet. The doc peeked between the legs and thought she saw something there, but its so early it's hard to tell. I thought i saw something too though. So now I'm SUPER convinced it's a boy, which is totally fine by me. So yeah, I've been feeling better and am going to make some spanish rice tonight that i'm so excited about. I've had bad luck today with food. I bought a bunch of produce at the store because I really am craving fruits and salads right now. The grapes, and strawberries so far have been so overripe that i can't eat it. Like mushy and nasty. They looked totally fine though. And then the sour cream I bought today was already OPEN! I've had too many problems with that store and am sad to say that I won't be returning. I just don't have the time to stop and inspect every tiny thing. So yeah, I'll be finding a new store. That's all!
Well my belly has been pretty bloated for a while now, but i would never call it big. I could still wear all my regular pants, just rubber banded. Well for the last couple days, I've been feeling a lot of growing pains. I've also been feeling sick again and horribly tired. The reasons were obvious this morning. GROWTH SPURT! Last night I tried to feel for my uterus and couldn't feel it above my pubic bone, but this morning it is obviously there. So crazy how that happens. My belly has really "pooched" out but i still wouldn't call it big or anything. I feel sooooo heavy in my lower abdomen, and it's pretty uncomfortable. I had a hard time sleeping because of it last night. I was so uncomfortable in my clothes last night, I just wanted to be naked and not have anything touching me. That seems a bit early for that to happen. That was the good part about being big and pregnant in the summer. You didn't have to wear that much clothing. Now, that's obviously not going to work in the winter. I might have to cave this time and actually get maternity clothes. Well I already did actually, I bought 1 pair of pants just in case, and it looks like i'll be needing them already. Anyways, that's my update.
I have my NT screening today and today I'm not so nervous, but yesterday I was horrible. I don't know why. Well actually i do. It's because on Friday, we gave our parent's the go ahead to start telling people we're pregnant (no mass emails allowed though!). DH also told a few of his friends, but the news will be spread pretty quickly. I was just nervous because I'd hate for something to be wrong and discovered today (not down's or anything like that, i mean the baby isn't growing well or something) and then we'll have to go around and tell EVERYONE! I did a heartbeat check this morning, and it was nice and strong so I feel ok about things, but you never know. I'm also scared because I have to go alone. DH just doesn't realize how much I need him there, even though he saw how upset I was yesterday. I know he's excited (sort of), and looking forward to another baby, but I just wish he was more "into it". I mean, I don't have a choice, I have to do these things and take off work for it. But whatever, I can't expect too much. On a much lighter and exciting note! I looked online at some of the hospital policy that I'm delivering at and noticed that they don't require an IV unless the situation requires it. That's BIG for me. They also mentioned patients being able to drink as they want. I didn't see anything about eating, but hopefully they allow that too, just as long as everything is looking healthy. I didn't see anything about constant fetal monitoring being optional, but I think that's up to the "care provider". So far I'm getting a good feeling about my desire for a natural birth in a hospital. This hospital also performs VBAC's and has a natural childbirth class... so yeah, I think they're pretty open. That's all. I will post all my u/s pics when I get back. Hopefully I can convince the tech to check between the legs.
Well everything looks normal according to the u/s tech. The nuchal fold measured about 1.5 and under 3 is normal. She saw all the right parts and even the brain! The heart rate was about 167. Now, I asked her if she ever looks for gender this early, and she gave me some spiel about how it's so early and she would hate to tell me one thing and get my heart set on it and then we find out she was wrong. She said even though people say they don't care, they really do. BUT! I still got her to take a peek and she couldn't tell, but said based off of some theory dr.'s have, she'd say girl. I totally don't believe it, and even if they say girl at our 20 weeks u/s, I won't believe it until i see it at delivery. I looked and really couldn't tell either, but there were no obvious boy parts. I hope I can ask Dr. Dong to look at my next appointment. The grandma's sure would be happy if it was a girl. Next appointment isn't for another couple weeks, so it'll be a nice break.
Things are still looking good. I check for the heartbeat everyday, and it's always there... thank goodness! I feel like the m/s has finally passed, but just in time for me to come down with a terrible cold I'm super tired and called in sick to work today and still sent DS to the babysitter. I feel so guilty for doing that, but I would have zero patience today and I just need to rest. I have a dr. appointment on Wednesday, and I'm going to try really hard to get the dr. to do an u/s to peek at the gender. I think we'd be able to tell... at least if it's a boy we'd be able to see it. I REALLY want to know, and don't think I can wait another 6 weeks. BUT! I will if i have to.... obviously. I am also excited because DS's birthday is coming up and we are spending 2 nights at a nice hotel in the Dells. That will be so much fun for him, and I just can't believe he's going to be 2 already. My little baby is so grown up. I miss him a lot today, and can't wait until he comes home. Relaxing is still nice though.
WOW! I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. I thought my username and password were not working, but everything worked today, so I must have just been crazy! So I guess I was around 3.5 months pregnant the last time I posted. That pregnancy was successful and we now have a 4 month old BOY named Wesley. The whole pregnancy was great, ignoring the fact that I was super nervous the whole time. No problems or issues, and the delivery was pretty fast and all natural! I'll post my birth story in my next post. Right now things are going really well. I'm having some serious body image issues, but I guess who doesn't?! I am also having REALLY bad baby fever all of a sudden and am trying to convince myself that I'm crazy. DH knows it too and has told me I need to do some serious marketing (totally doable) to convince him. I told him he's in the clear until I lose 10 pounds and am in a regular exercise routine. If I ever am pregnant again, I will have to be active the whole time and really try not to gain as much weight. I only gained 30 pounds, but I can imagine how hard it will be to lose after a third baby. So right now, TTC is my incentive for losing weight. Technically I wouldn't be considered overweight, but i'm not comfortable in my skin... so yeah. Baby is up so that is all.
OK... 4 months is a long time, so the details are probably a bit fuzzy. My due date arrived and I wasn't feeling like anything was going to happen so DH and I went out for "one last dinner." The food was great and the waitress didn't even notice I was pregnant. When she did, she couldn't believe I was due... she said I was tiny and all belly (so not true!). So the next day it was nice out and DH, DS, and I were outside all day cleaning up the yard. There were lots of left over leaves from the fall and I was helping rake them. Around 5:30 we decided to call it quits and I sat down and felt a weird twang in my belly. At first I thought maybe my water broke, but much to my disappointment, there was no water to be found. Even though it wasn't my water breaking, I was suspicious something was about to happen. We decided to take a family shower and during the shower I started having some minor contractions, but that was nothing different from the last few months. I always had braxton hicks in the shower... don't know why. This shower I was thinking maybe something was up though, mostly because I was overdue. We ventured down to the kitchen and I made dinner for DH and DS but really didn't feel like eating much. That's when the more painful contractions started. I had two barely painful ones while the boys were eating, and as we moved ourselves from the kitchen to the living room, I had a couple more. I finally said something to DH and we considered putting MIL on alert that tonight might be the night. We decided against that and just to time them for a bit and see what happens. They quickly became intense and within a half hour or so, I was having to breathe through them. We put DS to bed and called MIL to tell her tonight is probably the night, but we wanted to labor at home for a while so we'd call when we were ready.... I will continue this later... DS2 is calling me!\
So i'm back! 2 months later.... we'll see how much I remember. I decided I wanted to try to rest and sleep as much as I could before we got to the hospital, and laid down on the couch. I nodded off long enough to wake up to a contraction that was horribly painful. It was at that moment that I knew we should go in. We called MIL and gathered our things for the hospital. By the time MIL arrived, I was crying through the contractions (because I was scared/nervous). We set off for the 10 minute drive and had one on the way, and then another on the walk into the emergency room. We got to the hospital and checked in. I declined a wheel chair and wanted to walk up to labor and delivery... the nurse was race walking, I think. We got there and they gave me a room right away, i'm not sure why. They hooked me up to the monitors for a while and I was contracting every 4-6 minutes. The nurse checked me after that and I was almost 6 cm's. I was so encouraged at that point and had so much confidence in my natural birth. The nurse kept talking about how fast I was going and this baby would be born in a couple hours. I was GBS +, so it was good when we showed up when we did. Shortly after that, things got VERY intense and stayed that way for a while. I stalled out at 8-9 CM's for close to 3 hours. FINALLY my water broke and I felt the urge to push maybe 5 minutes after that. I've read so many stories about how your body clamps up and contractions stop upon the arrival of the OB on-call. Well this happened to me. Everything stopped, after progressing so quickly after my water broke (nurses shouting at me to stop pushing because he was almost out). When the OB walked in half asleep... I never felt another contraction. He had to cut me, in order to deliver my son. But the good news was that my baby boy, Wes, was born at 3:45am weighing 8 lbs 3 ounces and super healthy.
Ugh... you'd think after all we went through to have just one more baby, I'd be content. Well, I'm not. I have the most overwhelming urge to have another baby. I've been trying to convince myself that I don't want another one, but it's seriously backfiring. I really want to go back to school and all that, but I want to be done having kids first. I think that's what has really been fueling my fire. I won't be happy unless I have another baby... I wonder how DH would feel if he knew that.
Well here we go again! For some reason, DH and I have had a few "oop's" this month after a couple too many cocktails. It's been a stressful month. So! We last DTD unprotected Tuesday night/Wednesday morning (12am-ish). This morning (Saturday) I ovulated. I've read that sperm can live up to 5 days, and we'd be about 3.5 post DTD. I am now freaked out, but really excited. If it were to happen, now would really by the ONLY time it's going to work out for the next 3 years or so. I could have the baby, and still maintain going to school. So to top things off, I had emailed Cheri (psychic) about my situation, because I was going back and forth. Last week I finally got an email back saying she sees November and Girl. At that moment, I was thinking "yeah right!". There was no way I was going to convince DH to TTC #3 this month! And then things just happened. I respect my DH's feelings for not wanting another, and didn't want to go against his wishes. If this happens, I'll feel like it was truly meant to be, and he/she was conceived in an act of love, and not just to make a baby. I'm so nervous and excited about this... this 2ww will be a long one, but I generally have a really good idea if I'm pregnant or not, way before my positive. One of my main symptoms is AF type cramping around 4 dpo. I usually get super sore boobs, and smell EVERYTHING! I guess I'll keep updating as the weeks go on.
Well it's 1 DPO, and I am not feeling out of the ordinary at all, of course I probably wouldn't because it's so early. I am antsy, and am allowing myself to really believe that I'm pregnant. This could be really disappointing in the end. I have to keep stopping myself from researching new OB's and keep having a debate about maybe getting a midwife. I don't even know if I'm pregnant, and it's not like we'll be trying anytime soon if it turns out that I'm not. I'm just so convinced that I will be!
Nothing exciting to report. I was a little crampy last night, but nothing major. Today I'm sick (had 1 too many martini's last night), and also ate some jalapenos so it's hard to tell if anything is different because my guts are not happy with me. I finally told DH that there was a chance I was pregnant, and he seemed alright with the idea. He did say "well you'll get what you want then!" That kinda put me off, but it IS what I want... just the timing is a little off, but it would still work out. I tried to take a nap with the boys today, but my head is soooo busy, I couldn't sleep. I was just thinking that it'll only be 1 more week and I can test... hope it goes by fast!
So I'm 3 dpo today and nothing major. Last night I had some pulling feelings when I stood up from the couch, and then this morning I was having sharp pain on the side where I ovulated. When I got out of bed, my lower abdomen felt really tight (on the inside) and kinda tingly... whatever that means. I also woke up in a huge rage... HUGE sign that something is up. It took me a good 2 hours to really calm down... I actually called my husband and was picking fights left and right, which totally isn't like me unless I'm pregnant. I went to Jazzercise and all that felt totally fine, so whatever! Now I'm really sore, especially my hip. Hip pain is also a pregnancy symptom for me, but not until 6ish weeks or so. So things are looking interesting. Last night I called my mom and told her to let me know when she's feeling "psychic" because she has VERY good intuition, especially when it comes to me. And all she said was... "why, do you think you're pregnant?" Totally floored me, since I've obviously not said anything to anyone besides DH. Now I have to go talk to my neighbor and see if she picks up anything. She always knew when I was pregnant... most times before I knew, and ALWAYS spilled the beans to my in laws... just asking if I was pregnant. And then they'd ask me... and I can't lie at ALL. So yeah... one week from today I'll be testing, although that'll only be 10 dpo. If it's not positive on 11 dpo, I'll assume I'm not pregnant.
OK, I'm going to be totally honest here and say that if I'm not pregnant, I'll be really really surprised. Again today, I woke up with the most horrible rage ever. Then later this morning I had a hot flash so bad that I was sweating! Anyways... I told DH he better start mentally preparing. Although, I have to consider the fact that I just had my first PP AF, and maybe what I'm feeling is all just PMS related. It's hard to tell when it's been so long. I guess we'll see! 6 more days until I test... although I'll probably buy a 3 pack and test monday, tuesday, wednesday. If neg. on Wednesday, I'm for sure not pregnant. That's all.
Not much to report... still having hot flashes which are horrible. I go back and forth between being bundled up and running around in a tank top and sweating. I've also been having really weird BM's. Really hard and difficult to get out. Today I haven't gone at all, and that's really weird for me... I'm a very regular person. That's pretty much all I have to report today.
Well the rage has calmed down a lot, but I'm still pretty testy. I'm about 95% sure that I'm pregnant. Today as we were leaving the house, I had some very familiar pulling/sharp pain at the very top of my leg on the inside where it connects to other parts and such. Then about an hour later, I had a lot of pulling in my lower abdomen on the same side when I went to close the trunk. So! I'm pretty convinced that I'm pregnant, BUT! I am still trying to maintain a neutral stance on whether or not I am, in case all these "symptoms" are just coincidence.
Well my horrible mood is back... I just feel really down and depressed. Ugh, I think I'm just anticipating testing this week and it's really getting to me.... it's coming up so fast, and I can't say I'm too excited about either option. If it turns out I'm not pregnant, I'll be so disappointed and will feel hopeless about ever having another baby, but will feel better about going back to school in the fall. On the other hand, if I am pregnant (I strongly suspect I am), I will feel really overwhelmed and guilty, but still super happy and excited. Oh well... Tuesday will get here fast. My plan is to limit fluid intake Monday night, but will probably include a small glass of wine right before bed... otherwise i'll be so antsy, I won't be able to sleep. If I end up needing to go to the bathroom during the night, I'll probably not use FMU, and just not drink anything after I go in the morning, and use that for my test later in the day. Although I say that now, and I know I'll still test first thing in the morning. If it's negative, I'll not drink anything and wait as long as I can to test after that. That's how I got my BFP last time anyways... negative at 10 dpo with FMU, but positive the afternoon of 10 dpo.
Anyways... back to my "symptoms". So I have the foul mood going strong. I also was absolutely LOVING the smell of gas for the lawn mower (no I wasn't smelling it straight from the can )... that is super weird for me because normally I hate that smell. I've been really turned off by other smells and food, so that's a little weird. So yeah... that's about all... I've been pretty sleepy as well, but that's pretty normal for me so I don't count that.
I've been thinking of how I'd tell DH I'm pregnant... he knows that I think I am. I was thinking of putting together some sort of montage with pictures of things we'll need with 3 kids... like a minivan. That's actually all I can think of, but then I could put other things in it like... "mark your calendar for "due date"", and show a picture of the pregnancy test. I'm getting ahead of myself here.
My foul mood continues... I feel so bad for my husband. My heart has been skipping beats the last couple days, and that usually only happens when I'm pregnant. I'm itching to test, but I figure why bother... it'll just be negative. I'm toying with the idea of getting a couple dollar store tests so I can test tomorrow and just get it out of my system. I will probably do that... then it'll get me used to seeing negative tests so I won't be so disappointed when it turns out I'm not pregnant, and just crazy I don't think I'd be obsessing so much if it weren't for that silly psychic prediction. I'm still having random cramping and discomfort in my uterine area, but my CM is pretty dry and usually I get an abundance of creamy/lotiony CM if I'm pregnant. Anyways, that's about where I'm at... still obsessing, but trying to tell myself that the chances are so slim that I'm actually pregnant.
Ugh! I went to two dollar stores and none of them had pregnancy tests! One store had about 50 OPK's. I should have just bought a couple of those! Oh well... I know I won't be able to hold out tomorrow morning... maybe I'll surprise myself.
Ok, I tested this morning and SURPRISE! BFN... I'm not discouraged though, as I knew it would be negative. Any possible symptoms are:
Headache (actually have had one for the last few days)
Abundance of creamy CM... to the point where I actually thought AF arrived because there was so much.
Super sore boobs... it goes all the way into my armpits.
So I'll test again tomorrow morning, or afternoon, and then again Wednesday morning.
I'm so nervous for tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is the first day that I could actually get a BFP if I'm pregnant. I can't handle getting a negative... I've spent the last week and a half convinced that I'm pregnant. Now, all of a sudden, I'm just not feeling it. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or what! I just don't see myself with a BFP... and I'll be crushed. Symptoms for today include:
total meltdown in front of MIL
more pulling feelings in lower abdomen
food doesn't sound good at all!
wish me luck!
Ugh... BFN this morning at 3:30 (only held urine for 3 hours), and BFN at 9am (only held it for 2.5). Why I thought I'd get a BFP today after BARELY holding my pee, I don't know! I'm really bummed out about it though. I know I never get BFP's at 10 dpo, and the only time I have ever had the tiniest faint line is when I held my pee for at least 5 hours and tested later in the afternoon. I used up all my tests so now I have to go get more... maybe I'll test again this afternoon, but otherwise I'll test tomorrow. I hate this... I was so sure I was pregnant... now I'm thinking it was all in my head. Oh well, I guess I wouldn't be the first person to convince themselves they were pregnant, only to have it be false.
My boobs are KILLING me... I'm not even touching them and they're throbbing. This better mean good things are in store for me tomorrow morning!
This evening I've been having LOTS of pulling in my lower abdomen, and am super tired. My boobs are still very painful as well. I'll be so surprised if that test is negative in the morning... and will feel so stupid. Good thing I've recorded it all so I can go back and be embarrassed about it over and over
Well it's official, I'm CRAZY! I got a snow white BFN this morning. My boobs are still killing me and I'm still getting a lot of cramping and pulling, but maybe that's how my body is preparing for AF. Oh well, I'm actually not as upset as I thought I'd be. It makes my life easier with going to school, and everything. Maybe someday we'll have another baby, but it's just not the right time right now.
On the evening of 11 dpo Dh and I DTD. Afterwords I went to "clean up" and noticed there was blood on the TP. It was enough for me to think AF had started so I accepted the fact that I wasn't pregnant and put in a tampon and went to bed. In the morning, there was pretty much NOTHING on the tampon. I thought that was weird, but have only had 1 AF since Wes was born so whatever.
12 DPO - Absolutely no bleeding or spotting, but TONS of cramping and a really bad lower back ache. I seriously was thinking AF was about to start at any moment.
13 DPO - The slight bleeding I had really unsettled me, so I took an HPT this morning and at first there was nothing. I went back around the 10 minute mark and I thought I saw a faint line. I took the test apart and there was for sure a second line, but it's sooooo faint. I can't get my hopes up because having a line that faint makes me so nervous. I've already prepared myself for AF to show tomorrow and will just call the test faulty. I posted a picture on DYSAL and I have like, 30 views and no responses. That leads me to believe no one sees anything. I was hoping someone would help with inverting it since I don't know how. Oh well... here's a picture of this morning's test. I was thinking, that if the bleeding I had was implantation, then maybe I wouldn't be getting a positive test yet.
Well that faint line from this morning turned into an obvious BFP this afternoon. I'm really nervous about it because it obviously implanted pretty late, and I googled "late implantation." Basically it said that the later it implants, the less chance of survival. I believe it was at only 52% at 11 dpo, so we'll see what happens. I have good thoughts because only 5 hours later the line was obviously darker and I only held my pee for 3 hours tops. I will obviously be testing in the morning for the next few days to see if the line gets any darker. I'm so scared, but I'm hoping for good things. I'm due August 7th, 2010. I guess maybe I'm not so crazy after all.
I'm soooo angry, upset, confused, and frustrated with everything. Let my lay it all out first, and then i'll add my commentary.
14 DPO - Snow white BFN with FMU (FRER). Not even a hint of a line... DH confirms no line, and I accept the fact AGAIN that I'm not pregnant. I start spotting mid day but it's just brown/brownish red discharge.
15 DPO - BFP with FMU (FRER) and the line is faint, but darker than my previous BFP's. No more spotting.
WTF!!! There's no way this is a viable pregnancy. Why!!!!?! I'm so beyond pissed off at my body it's not even funny. All I need is for this to be an ectopic and it'll be the icing on the cake. I'll have to kill my baby AND stop nursing because of it. I decided to call the dr. tomorrow regardless of what an hpt says tomorrow (unless I start actively bleeding before morning.) I'm frustrated about that because my last OB stopped delivering right after Wes was born... and before her, my dr. just up and left the practice. So I've had 3 different OB's in the last 3 years. It's going to be a pain in the ***, and no one is going to listen to me. Whatever... I'll update tomorrow with what is going on. SO PISSED!
Well just for fun, I took a picture of my pee stick from this morning. Here it is compared to my tests from 2 days ago.
13 DPO FMU
13 DPO Afternoon Urine (3 hours)
15 DPO FMU
So I got the faintest of faint lines this morning. I totally flipped out about why this is happening to me. I asked one of my friends who is a women's health nurse about what she thinks is going on, and she basically just told me to call the dr. and get some bloodwork done. So I called and left a message for the nurse, and like 5 minutes later, started bleeding like a period. So that makes things pretty final for me, but she still wanted me to go in and get my blood taken to make sure it truly is a miscarriage. I can't imagine it's not, but if that's what they need. At least it'll be in their records that I've had yet another miscarriage.
I also told DH that it's so hard for me now, because I've been really trying to convince myself I don't want another baby, and now I'm going to want one more than ever. I have to be honest with him that way. I also asked him to just think about maybe trying for a due date of late Dec. 2010, Jan. or Feb. 2011. Those would work out really well with school. I might just try to get all that out of the way sooner rather than later so I have the majority of next year to possibly have a baby and not have to worry about prerequisites. Maybe I won't even have to take any... that would be so awesome! Anyways... that's where I'm at. I'll probably update with my blood work results later
So my Hcg is at 8, and my progesterone is 1.1... don't even need to spell it out. They want me to go back in 48 hours to make sure it's down to zero. I'm so sad. All I want is to have another baby... and all I manage to do is kill them. I'm up to 4 m/c's now. Maybe I should have been tested. I think I might ask DH about that... I want another baby soooo badly, but I need to know if there's something I can be doing to help. I know DH isn't willing to try for another right now, and that's hard for me to accept, but I can't change that. All I can do is hope he comes around.
I didn't go back for my second blood draw. I've obviously miscarried and that's that. I'm so so so sad about it. Dh truly doesn't want any more babies, and I feel this was my only chance. I don't understand why. My dream is for him to come to me and tell me that he wants to have another baby... whatever it takes. That won't happen.
I love when I come here, ready to bear my heart and soul, and I get redirected to the sign in page. Totally a mood killer.
Anyways! I'm in super baby fever mode. I can't stop thinking about it. DH and I "compromised" and got a kitten, but it's not doing the trick.
I get so depressed when I look back at my BFP's from the chem pregnancy. I'm so sad I'm not pregnant anymore. I've been stalking the July/August boards... just reading about what I should be going through right now... wishing it was real. Every time I see someone complaining about being pregnant, I want to just go at them... let them know how lucky they are to actually be pregnant. That it can be taken away so quickly, and to cherish every moment. I am so jealous of everyone who is having babies... or even TRYING for more babies.
I pray every night to let me have another baby. I really feel like, if it's meant to be, it will happen. At the same time, it's hard to just sit and wait. I want it to happen now... why can't he see how much I want it? If we hadn't had the "oopsies" and gotten pregnant, it wouldn't hurt so bad. I really hope some day (in the next few years) that he'll realize how much he loves his kids and wants another.
That's all I'm willing to expose right now. It's been the most stressful 2 months ever, and I just want something good to happen.
There goes another wasted egg. Probably damaged goods anyways. I hate my body, and hate that it doesn't do what it's built to do.
I'm so resentful towards people... it's terrible and I hate that I feel that way. Why can't I just be happy for others? More importantly... why can't my husband see how much I want another baby? I would do anything for him!
Not to make him out to be a bad person, he's just thinking of it all in a logical way. I see his points, and really understand them... but he doesn't understand how it FEELS. To know that it's YOUR body that has failed. My heart has always overpowered my head, and this is no exception. In this circumstance, I'm really not trying to let my head lead anyways. I can't understand why having another baby is such a controversy.
I hate how pregnant people complain about being pregnant. Clearly you knew what was part of the package! Why would you agree to it, and then ***** about it all the time. I'm totally trying to hold my tongue. These ladies have no idea how lucky they are. I would love to be pregnant right now... puking my guts out... all for the well being of my baby. Whatever... I hope they never know how it feels to wish for those things because you've lost 4 babies.
Well today has been an excellent day! Earlier today I got a call from the technical college I'm going to be attending, telling me that I can start my nursing assistant class TOMORROW! NICE! I'm so excited! Finally, I'll be able to do something for ME and in the end, will help our family. I'll be able to work a little bit and get out of the house. Bring in a little extra money that we need now BECAUSE.....
DH is changing jobs. He got an offer from a different company and he decided to accept it. This makes our 12+ hour day away from each other, down to 8. I'm so happy for him and us. They only bad part is that he had to take a pay cut, but they have an excellent raise/bonus system. So he should be back up to where he was pretty soon. In the mean time, I'll be working so it'll bring in a little bit of extra money.
So that's my good news. I'm not always depressed about life... just sometimes.
I guess I need to write more here so I'm not greeted with my peestick pictures from my last miscarriage.
Yes, I've been drinking a few too many bottles of wine lately!
So this evening I've been presented with the news that I've been preparing myself for since my last m/c. Our close friend is indeed preggo with her third child. I've suspected for a month or so, but that didn't make it easier to hear.
Anyone else, and I would be happy for them... but this person has it so easy! So perfect, always. I would never wish badness on anyone ever... and it's not that I won't be happy for them... just right now I am sad for me. She's never had to suffer a loss... gotten pregnant on the first try always (not something I can complain about, but it adds fuel to my fire), and somehow, convinced/tricked her husband into having a third baby that he didn't really want to have. And SURPRISE!!!! Everything is going perfectly and they're on their way to their family of 5.
I had one chance to have our third baby... after having 3 miscarriages... you'd think I paid my dues... but NO! We did get pregnant... I didn't trick anyone into anything... I thought it was meant to be. It wasn't... obviously. Now I'll never have the chance again. And she'll go on to have her perfect family and that's just great for them! Really, I'm happy for them... just super pissed off and sad for me and my desire to have a baby that will probably never be born (possibly conceived by crazy chance, but probably ripped away from my uterus by some force that I can not control just to make it hurt that much more).
I just give up. I try to tell myself that it will happen when it's right, and you know what! It's always right for someone else... always perfect for someone else. I'm just done. I want to crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep and not have anyone disturb me. That can't happen though because I get no time to myself.
DONE! Oh yeah, I better turn off my signature because it probably shows that I'm almost due to have a baby that DIED.