Well, I'm pretty new around this site and thought I would start a journal. I think it could be good for me, as like most people I deal with tons of stressful things and my DH tells me I have a tendency to keep stuff inside to much. I just generally don't want to bother other people with my crap or feel it is not worth getting into, so I figured this is a good venue for me.
Maybe just the basics for tonight. My name is Wendy and I'm 25. I'm married and my DH is 35. We have 3 kids ages 7, 2, and 3 (almost 4!) He's recently gotten me pretty convinced to TTC another and although I am excited about it, I still have some concerns due to health issues. DH and I are both trying to finish up school also. I will be graduating a year from this May and then will be on to grad school. Speaking of school, I have a test tomorrow I have to study for. I also have been having health problems lately including kidney probs and I have to see my urologist tomorrow afternoon and he might want to put me back in surgery
Well, I guess that's it for tonight - I think journaling will be good for me
What a horrible freakin day!! Brenden was up having a hard night so I was up most of the night last night with him so I didn't get to study for my test at all. I'm hoping I managed to get a 90 on it. I've been so sick lately that I've missed almost the entire past three weeks of school which has made things extremely frustrating. I'm an undergrad teaching assistant for an intro psyc class and I run my own section - I haven't even been able to teach my own class in 3 weeks, I've only seen my students 2 times since the semester started!
Anyway, I had to leave campus to go to my urologist appointment - I went to pull out of the parking lot and this car comes zipping around the corner super fast and I almost hit her. Luckily I was just leaving the lot and wasn't going more than 5 mph so I slammed on my breaks and didn't hit her. She sat in front of me and I was saying to myself "are you going to move or what" - I hadn't hit her so no big deal. Well she backed up and put her blinker on and I thought she was waiting for me to pull out so she could get down the row and park so I pulled out and proceeded to head to my dr. office. Next thing I know this woman speeds up behind me and is totally on my a**! She stayed that way and followed me all the way to my dr. office. I get out of my car and she jumps in my face and is yelling at me about how I can't just hit someone and take off I'm like WTF! I said I didn't hit you, you zipped around the corner but I was still able to stop. So she keeps screaming at me and cussing at me and I say to look at both of our cars and tells me if she sees anything. I told her to call the cops, she acted like she thought I was trying to fake her out and said she would and I told her I was serious that the cops could come take care of it and it would get settled. She's still screaming in my face and some guy comes walking up to her and told her to calm down and call the cops. She yells at him to get the f**k away and step off. She's yelling about how I ran all the way out there trying to get away from her and why the hell did I stop there and I'm said umm this is my dr. office, I have a frickin appt. to find out if I need to have surgery and she yells how I'm going to need surgery tonight because she's going to beat the s**t out of me. We all went inside and she's yelling in the dr. office in front of a waiting room full of people and theyre telling her she needs to calm down or they're going to kick her out. So she calls the cops and is telling them that I did all this stuff and how I'm the type that runs Blah blah blah. So she comes over and sits down across from me and in a room full of people says how she's going to slap the **** out of me - I'm thinking well that's really smart just dig yourself in deep by sitting me threatening me. So the cop comes out and she points out this dent in her car and says how I did that - cop looks at her car and my car and examines everything and tells her there's no possible way my car could have done that. He tells her that she can file an accident report but it would be investigated and if it was found out that it was untrue she would get in trouble for making a false report. She ended up saying that she didn't want to file a report but that I needed to know that I can't go around hitting people and running off and that most people would not be as nice as her Cop told her to go and he would deal with the "hit and run" with me. She finally leaves and he tells me that he knows I didn't hit her and not to worry he's not going to give me a ticket or anything - talked to me for a few minutes about how confrontational she was and told me to try to have a good evening if I could. She said more that all of this and even more happened but I'm too exhausted to go any more in depth on it. The people in the dr. office asked if I was ok and were saying how nuts and scary she was. And I am concerned now because I saw her write down my plate number and everyone was saying how she might very well try tracking my car down on campus and doing something to it. Already decided I'm not going to park on that lot anymore. I worked at the counseling center last year and happen to know that she was at that time a client with some "issues" so I wouldn't put it past her. And she was saying - well nevermind - the whole thing was just so ridiculous and I couldn't believe it was happening, I was so pissed I'm standing there going how can someone really try doing this when they know this didn't happen. People said they figure she was trying to pin her dent on me and get some money out of it. Oh yeah - after she said I put the dent in her car and the cop said I couldnt have...she tells the cop that she didnt even know that dent was there before HE pointed it out and that she wasn't saying that I did that but just that I hit her - WTF!! Anyway..................
So, anyway, finally saw the dr. and lo and behold I have to have surgery but he's letting me put it off until Tuesday morning - which also sucks because I have an exam Tues. morning and that will be the second one Ive missed in this class I can make them up at the end of the semester but it's still such a mess. So he also says that he thinks I'm going to need to see a GI dr. because he can see something wrong with my colon and I probably need to have surgery for that - and the threat of having surgery to put chest tubes in is still looming ..... all this happening when we decided to TTC again And I'm only 25 frickin years old!!! Sigh.
Well that's enough griping for now I guess - I have papers to grade that have to be handed back to my students tomorrow. It does feel good to be able to vent on here though
Well here comes another post full of griping and *****ing. I'm feeling like that's all I'm ever going to do I guess I'm having problems with my boss. I was awarded with an undergraduate assitantship for the fall and the spring. It's a paid position where you get to work one-on-one with a professor in a "paraprofessional" relationship. The professor who hired me had me in other classes and I always did the best in the class and he was happy to have me working for him. This guy pretty much has the reputation of being a major a**, but I've never had any problems with him. Well, back in August he started off with 2 undergrad assistants, 1 grad assistant, a grad student who's thesis committee he was chairing, and another grad student from another department who was working for him.....by November I was the only one left - everyone else had quit and basically said I was amazing for sticking around, but I still hadn't really had any problems with him. The only problem has been that he can never seem to decide what topic he wants to write our article on. It's been frustrating because he asks me to do research and I do all this work and then he decides he doesn't feel comfortable with the topic so he switches - asks me to write 15 page papers in 2 days in addition to all my school work and such and I do it without complaining. My family has seen it all and has thought it was nuts and terrible on me because of him always doing that. Several times I've talked with this guy and he has apologized for being so back-and-forth, but says that's the way the game is played and that he hopes I'm ok with it and I have always told him that I have no problem with it as long as he doesn't start having issues with my work and acting like I'm not doing anything as nothing major is being produced and he always says "oh no, you're just fine, you're great, I'm the one who's doing this"
So before the Christmas break he said that he wanted to get an article written over the break and that he was going to email me everyday starting the week after Christmas so that we could always keep track and know what we were doing. I said great. Well, time went by and I never heard from him so I started emailing him telling him I was ready to do whatever work he needed and specifically said "I want to work." I never heard anything back - not a single thing. So after break I see him at school and he says he decided to take an actual break for the first time in a long time - well that's fine but keep in mind that I was emailing and trying to work! Well now with me being so sick the past 3 weeks I guess he's gotten pissed or something. I've told him what's going on and that I have to have surgery and even apologized profusely for something that is beyond my control and he ends up emailing me basically telling me that I'm not working enough, work not adequate for pay, that I have taken on too many committments, that he found something I had printed up for a class and that I am not to use that printer for anything other than our work (even though he's told me numerous times that I can use that office for whatever I need and print whatever I need, always telling me how he gets free paper so use it for whatever and let him know when I need more - and this was the FIRST time I used it for something else ) and then tells me that if I want to resign let him know and he will get the paperwork ready for me! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?
I've always done everything he's asked me to and never griped a single word (not even to family) when he kept deciding after I did the work that he wanted to change the topic. THAT IS NOT MY FAULT!!! And now that I get sick and have to have surgery he acts like I've done it on purpose and that I haven't done anything EVER. Not to mention the fact that I think it is very unprofessional to send something like that in an email, I think that is the kind of stuff you discuss in person, and I was around all last week and he was there only once and I told him I was there and we could talk, and he never did! WTH!!!!! I am so not looking forward to having to deal with him I'm sending him an email saying that no, I don't want to resign but that I think these "issues" we should discuss in person as sometimes emails can cause misunderstandings. I was so furious, so steamed! I was crying (I cry when I get mad).
One good thing came out of it though so far I guess and that was that DH said that I really needed to get away and have some relaxing time - just put everything out of my mind for a couple of days before I would have to start dealing with it all again. He was talking about how much of myself I always devote to everything and that I really deserved a time out. He tells me that a lot and tries to get me to agree to go away for the weekend but I usually say no because I feel bad spending the money on it, or I have too much stuff I have to get done or whatever - but this time I said yes so we went away for the weekend! Crossed over into Kentucky and got a suite with a jacuzzi to soak in - really nice. We went out for a really nice dinner, swam, soaked, watched movies, just relaxed and had a nice time. It was great But now we're back and I have to try to deal with crap tomorrow, on top of the fact that I'll be preparing for my surgery on Tuesday morning. Well anyway, DH said that he thinks we should start going away like that once a month or something - relax and get away from it all. Sounds good to me - recouperate, replenish -
sounds good for the mental health
Ah well, enough griping for now - have a lot to deal with tomorrow and should get some rest. Wonder how all this day after day stress that has been my life lately, on top of all the health crap is going to play out for the TTC front.
Well wonder of wonders - today actually wasn't bad Started the morning off at school by emailing my "boss" I was very professional and polite - told him that I do not want to resign but that I think the rest of the issues he had brought up should be discussed in person as email can be misinterpreted. He emailed back that he is glad I don't want to resign and he doesn't think it is necessary to discuss anything else I told DH I think the boss is a chickensh*t as he never wants to deal with issues. Anyway, out of the blue he's back to thinking I'm great and is still wanting to give me co-authorship on an article that is going to be published in a law and health policy journal. The assistantship is up in about 9 weeks or so, I can continue to deal with his craziness for that much longer Although he told me he is going to apply for funding for another assistantship for next year and that I can probably have it - I dunno I swear this man suffers from PMS though - he seems to go through these hormone-laden spurts or something where he freaks out and then very shortly later acts as if nothing has ever happened.
I have my cysto with basket stone extraction tomorrow. Yippee! The health issues of the past few weeks have made me have to drop a class now. Not too happy about that, but I'm sure I could do with the amount of stress that will take away.
Other than that, nothing much else today. I am hoping to one day start using this journal as more than just looking back at my day and to really get into some issues and deal with some things - but I don't think I'm ready to start getting that heavy yet
Looks like I'm already getting lazy with the journaling Not really, just a few busy and yucky days with the surgery and all. I went back to class full force today - for one of my classes it was the first time I've been able to attend in over a month, Feb. 1 was the last time! All my professors have been really gracious and understanding though. Just playing catch-up now.
I still feel like there's not much to "report" as far as the journaling front is concerned. No deep revelations as such yet. For now, I think it is good as sort of running through the day - kind of closure or something as I write before I go to bed. Something sort of akin to what those of us involved in psychology would look at as a "debriefing" process I suppose
Today was pretty good. Getting back into all my classes. My mom gave me a Barnes and Noble gift card the other day - one of the best gifts I could ever receive!! I went online right away and ordered 5 books - 3 of them arrived today and 2 are due to arrive tomorrow! I'm so excited - I love Barnes and Noble! I love books! I love the fact that I have been blessed enough to so far seem to have found a school and career path that I have such a passion for that I actually order books to read that I could be reading for school or a future career rather than feeling the need to read other material to get away from it all (not that there is anything wrong with that, and I'm sure I'll get there someday - right now I'm just still so interested and eager!)!
I took Alyssa out tonight for some just mother daughter time. It was great. We got our nails done (she's such a little girlie-girl already ) and stopped at the store to pick up some invitations and party favors for a slumber party she's having in 2 weeks. She told me I'm the most perfect mommy ever She's been on a major FullHouse kick lately and when it was 8:00 and we were still out I said "oh uh, you're missing FullHouse" and she said "it's ok, spending time with you is way more better than watching FullHouse" - at this point in time in her precious little life, that is the absolute highest of compliments
I bought a magazine - I have to try to teach a group of mainly college freshman the principles of operant and classical conditioning through advertisements We'll see about that.
Other than that - good ole' AF is due to arrive tomorrow (well today now I guess actually) Cramps are starting to kick in pretty good now, so I'm assuming she's gearing up to rear her ugly head. I guess we're still set to try to TTC this cycle, sometimes he does things that really make me wonder if we should or not though, like last night! Don't feel like getting in to that right now though - although maybe I should, he knows I come on here and post and has teased me saying he's going to track down my posts to make sure I'm really talking about wanting to have another baby and not just humoring him....maybe he would come across this journal and gain some insight - ARE YOU OUT THERE HONEY?!?!?!? I doubt it. Anyway, I bought some cranberry pills and calcium/mag supplements about 1.5 weeks ago I guess as I've read some of the stuff regarding them and TTC a girl. Don't know how effective it's really supposed to be and I haven't read a whole lot of stuff yet. I read something about taking 3 cran pills a day throughout the cycle and then other stuff that says only the week of ovulation. I've only been taking one of each supplement like everyother day right now though. I'm not quite sure how much I should take and I don't want to "dry" myself out too much and at this point in my cycle it would of course be difficult to tell just how effective it is on me. I bought some folic acid tonight too and started taking it. I never took any with any of my other pgs. I never got to get into any of the TTC stuff with any of my other pgs, which I think is making this whole thing even more exciting for me. Alyssa and Collin were both awesome little surprises and with Brenden - DH was really wanting to have a baby and with my cycles having always been like clockwork, he came home from work one night and when he walked in the door I said "wanna have a baby?" he said yeah and I said "well tonight would be the perfect night" and BINGO 10 days later I had a BFP. It was kind of a spur of the moment decision for me where he had been asking me a lot and I had been debating and at that moment I kinda went - yeah, I think I would like another baby - let's do it!! But I've always wanted to have the experience of actually planning and going through the whole TTC process (not for too long, mind you) but the actual thinking about it and deciding and the preparing your body and being more in-tune with your body I guess. I dont know, I'm sure none of that makes any sense, especially to the poor ladies who have been on long heartbreaking TTC journeys - I'm am very fortunate I have not had to endure that as of yet. I've really enjoyed starting up with charting - learning about it and different aspects of this whole process and just the idea that we are preparing for this, trying for this, and gearing up for this...it's just pretty exciting to me (Although my family would be totally mortified if they knew we were even thinking of this!!)
Ah well, it's getting very late (early?) and I need to get some sleep. Need a solid block for my morning temping!!!
Well I feel like a lot has happened since the last time I posted on here. I kinda left off with DH upsetting me. All because of stupid computer games See, about 9 months after we met, he started playing an online computer game. It caused problems from the beginning and we almost broke up because of it. At one point I said we needed to start seeing other people and I met another guy. Although anytime we used to get in fights over his gameplaying he would bring this up and say that he didn't start playing until after I met this other guy - wrong, I didn't even meet the other guy until about 6 months after he started playing. Also, he would say that I never said anything about seeing other people or this other guy - wrong again, why did he fight so hard to keep me and tell me he was sick of hearing about the other guy??? Anyway, he found out I had let the other guy kiss me (which WAS wrong of me) and he was going to just end it once and for all but I told him that when the other guy kissed me I realized that I really wanted to be with him (DH) instead - which was the truth. Anyway, we stayed together and his game playing continued and continued to cause problems. Then something happened that caused me to have to move out of my parents house (I was 19, in college, and still living at home). Well, I moved in with him and a few weeks later I was pg. We were fighting constantly, and I swore if I wasn't pg I would have moved back home, but since I was pg I couldnt and didn't know what to do - plus, I loved him. Too speed things up a little - we had two kids and had to move out of state for a job for him, he kept playing this game and I thought he was neglecting the kids, me, and things around the house. Then I found out I was pg AGAIN. Game continued - I continued to hate things centered around that. When 3rd baby was a year old I decided to reapply back to the school I had went to back at home, was accepted and given a contract for an apartment in campus family housing. We moved back up here and game continued. He would be up all night playing - I would come home from school next day and he would be sleeping and our at the time 2 and 1 year old would be running around. Told him it had to stop. We would always fight about it, he didn't seem to think it was a problem and acted like I was a total ***** for having issues with it. So then this past May he decided he wanted to go back to school in the fall and we got that all set up. Naturally, I was concerned about the game playing and if that crap would continue. (To be continued)...
So, that fall got there and miracle of miracles - he quit playing the game!!!!! I was shocked and so happy and things really seemed to improve between us. Before that he would try something like go two nights a week without playing so he could spare some of his precious time for me, but it never worked - his "guild" would end up needing him for something. So he went the whole fall semester without playing and he did so well in school - 4 A's and one B. We moved over the break, I had surgery, we went up to visit his mom, then the spring semester started back up - still no game - great!! Then about 2 weeks ago the evil crept back into our lives not the same game (although he reactivated those accounts) but a new online game - and he claimed it was for our almost 4 year old to play Well, I had been really sick - had blood in my lungs and was told I may have to have the surgery to put in chest tubes and have my lungs drained out and was told how horrible it was. One night I was laying in bed just crying my eyes out between my breathing treatments and he was holding me and I was telling him I was so scared - he held me and was there for me and it was so sweet. The next day he never came in to check on me or anything - at one time during the night, around 8 or so (after him not coming in the bedroom to see how I was all day after the night before I confided in him how scared I was, which is something I DON'T do) I went out to the kitchen to get a drink and saw he was playing a game turns out that was the first day he started all the accounts back up. So I didn't say anything and it continued for about a week and then I had the kidney surgery. I got home the evening after the surgery and just went right to sleep. I woke up the next morning in extreme pain really needing something to drink but hurting to bad to get up and get something myself. I could hear him in the living room playing on the computer. Finally, at 3:30 pm after laying in bed all day need a drink (after having surgery on my KIDNEYS) I had to crawl myself out of the bedroom and get myself a drink He saw me and said "oh I could have gotten that for you" - I yelled at him that I had been laying in bed in extreme pain all day needing a drink and he never came. He says "oh um I didn't want to disturb you" WH
ATEVER So I get back in bed and he goes back to the computer - 9:00, 5.5 hours later he never has come back so I crawl back out to get myself a drink again. He comes in to the bedroom and asks me if I'm hungry and I tell him I'm trying to think of something that sounds decent to eat and he says to think about it but it has to be quick because stuff closes early around here and he'll be back in in a few minutes. So I decide on something and I wait for him to come back - and wait, and wait, and wait. He comes back in the bedroom at MIDNIGHT and asks if I ever decided on anything. I was chocking back tears and said that I had but it was way too late now - he looks at the clock and says "oh" then he says "you should have come out and told me" WTF I looked at him and calmly said "I wish that you could have this surgery done and be in this pain and have me tell you that you should be getting out of bed to get drinks and come tell me stuff - besides that it would be the same excuse of oh I was just getting ready to come in there honey - if I don't come out there to give you the opportunity to make that excuse you can't use it" So he just leaves and goes back to the computer. That was Wednesday night. I didn't say anything about it all day Thursday, tried to leave well enough alone. Thursday evening I had to go over to my parents, go to the pharmacy, and some other stuff - by the time I got home it was about midnight and I still had to prepare stuff for teaching the next day and grade papers and such. I was up working into the early morning hours working and I could hear him playing on the computer So about 7 am I'm still up working and I hear him coming towards the bedroom and think gee it would be sweet if he comes in here and since we're both up without the kids asks if I would like to have some breakfast with him especially since he's always talking about it. Well - he comes in and says "I'm going to bed" WTF??? It's only about 2 hours before we have to get the boys to preschool and get to our own classes and he's going to go to bed - NOW???? I knew that meant he wouldn't get up. So I just looked at him and very calmly told him that when he gets involved in these stupid games he loses all sense of conscientiousness and thoughtfullness and turns into a total jerk. He asked what in the world I meant and I mentioned the past few days and breakfast, etc. He just walked away and went to bed. I continued to work, got no sleep, took a shower and got ready for the day. I tried 3 times to wake him up and SURPRISE SURPRISE he wouldn't get up. Finally as I was all ready just about to walk out the door I walked past his snoring *** on the couch and said "well I hope you aren't going to miss anything important at school today" and he jumped up and started to run around. I started to leave and he was all like wait and I told him umm I have office hours in 25 mins. I HAVE to leave now. So he says ok he'll just get the kids ready and take his car and go in on his own (yeah right ) I was so pissed off all day and I just kept saying to myself I can't live through this hell again - I refuse to....and he had convinced me to TTC again and no frickin way now. And by the end of the day I was so exhausted from having been up since 6 am the day before and I was fuming coming home because I just knew that he didn't go to class and that I would come home and he would be on the computer and the boys would be running around and the house would be totally trashed. (To be continued - again)
So I got home that afternoon and I was right, he didn't go to class - but DH and the boys were picking up and cleaning the house ~ I was shocked but still didn't feel like talking to him, so I walked right past him and went straight to the bedroom. He came in and said "I was thinking about what you said this morning (about losing all thoughtfulness,etc. when he starts up playing these games) and you're right. I have been neglecting things including us." Well that was another shocker - he used to always act like I was stupid if I got upset about it. So then that evening he went out and got me what I had wanted for dinner two nights before and rented a bunch of movies for us to watch. Of course - he put the first movie in to watch laying in bed in our bedroom and I fell asleep, but I had been up since 6 am the day before so I think it's to be expected.
So I was feeling pretty happy again and started thinking about TTC again and remained excited about that. Then I ended up being almost a week late and thought it was possible I had actually gotten pg that cycle, but it turned out not to be.
I don't know though. He's still been playing that stupid game a lot. It's not like I'm a hag about it either. I know he enjoys stuff like that and I don't mind if he plays if I'm busy anyway and he doesn't need to be keeping an eye on the kids and I don't need help with anything around the house. And I don't want it to interfere with his school - basically as long as he could do it without letting it interfere with the normal daily functions of an adult, which history has pretty much shown he can't do. Seems like he just has to not play at all for that. This past Sunday he made me very mad with it. I came home from teaching Sunday school and the house was a mess. As soon as I came in I started cleaning so he did go ahead and get up and empty the dishwasher and put some dirty dishes in ~ I was sweeping, moping, cleaning toilets, etc. - the "heavy" cleaning. At one point while I was doing all that I walked by the living room and he was sitting down playing the game. I ended up with a basket piled full of laundry under one arm, garbage to take out in the other hand, and the kids hanging on my legs telling me they were hungry and thirsty and I needed to make them lunch - he still just sat there playing so I went in and said something about it so he got up and went in and wiped off the kitchen table and the counter on ONE side of the kitchen huffing and slamming stuff during the whole maybe 3 mins he did something and then went back to the computer. I ended up so upset I just went in the bedroom and cried and thought again - ok there is no way I can have another baby with this man! And then everything got weird for me. My mom came over to pick up Alyssa and while she was with the kids and I was in the bedroom he came in, put his arms around me and said "give me a kiss, even though I don't deserve it." Ok so he obviously knew what he was doing, knew it was wrong, but didn't care. So I said damn right you don't deserve it and he said what do you mean - I just looked at him and he said ok ok you're right. But what ended up being so strange was my mom - we have a PS2 that the kids play around with game like FairlyOddParents on. Well, my mom started messing with it (never touched one in her life) and all of the sudden I hear her saying "just a minute, let me do it one more time - ok now another time - this thing is addicting!" WTF??? My own mother saying she could get addicted to games and she's always been so down on people who get hooked on games - used to have terrible stuff to say concerning the games with DH before we got married. So that was strange, but it was just terrible when Brenden comes running in wanting to show her artwork he's done at preschool and she totally brushed him off. Poor little guy kept trying to get her attention and she kept saying "yeah, just a minute" in an increasingly gruff tone and then to try to appease him she started acting like she was looking and saying yeah, that's nice (but she didn't even say it in an interested tone). I felt so bad for my poor little guy - I picked him up and had him show it all to me again (which he didn't really want to do) and then got him singing some songs for me, but I could tell he was sad. WTF is wrong with people Is it just me - am I just crazy for seeing that kind of crap as a problem. I don't think so. She brought the whole thing up to me yesterday and said it wasn't the game, it was the fact that she couldn't see the stuff very well - OMG how many times have I heard crappy excuses from my husband and now my mom sounds just like it?!?!?!? I need to tell my dad he better not ever let her get anything like that because she actually said that if she had stuff like that she would probably never get any of her work done and get fired! Anyway, I was steamed about everything that night - rightfully so I think. But we're on spring break this week and DH made a point of us going out yesterday - taking the boys to the park and to play at McDonald's, and it was great. ARGHH. I really want to have another baby - but one day he has me going how can I and then the next day everything is fine again. Ugh. I wish he would just stop totally and things could be like they were from August to Feb!!
So yeah, it's been awhile since I've posted on here again. As usual, the life of a woman with 3 children who is going to school full time and working part time, with a husband who is also going to school full time seems pretty hectic - but when I sit down to journal it seems like there is nothing there.
Been feeling pretty blah lately. Robb was sick this past week and today Collin has been puking and having diarreah. I feel pretty crappy myself, but it's different from my guys.
I feel like the whole TTC issue is REALLY starting to affect me. I still can't believe that it is. Like I said before, it was so easy with my other 3 that I couldn't even really fathom the stories I heard of other women trying so hard and stressing themselves out and ending up in this world that almost seems like another dimension. Now I have some understanding of that. I always read how the chances of conception are only 20% on any given month and wondered how in the world that was supposed to be possible - always happened first time for me, how can it only be 20%?? Well, this is technically only our first cycle of actually trying and I don't have any idea of what the chances are yet - but we were unprotected all of Feb., and before that would have automatically meant pg. I was excited at the thought of actually TRYING for once - the whole nine yards, charting and everything that goes along with it and all that stuff...but now it's just stressing me out - and it's only been a month!! I guess two factors that are making it extra stressful are that we are doing just about everything we can to get a girl, and timing. The TTC a girl has made it worse because now I feel like I don't know my body at all! I've been taking cranberry supps and all the other stuff that is supposed to end up drying you up and everything and now I pretty much really have NO idea when O is coming. Before, I always had a very definite cm pattern and I could always tell when my body was gearing up to O. Now, it's pretty obvious that the supps have been doing their job as I'm pretty much dry all the time. As we're attempting to use a cut-off method to get a girl also - it's kinda hard to determine what to do with no cm pattern. So I bought a saliva microscope to use to be able to hopefully tell when O was coming - but I think it's a piece of crap or something - can't seem to tell anything by it. I think I O'd yesterday - when I took my temp and saw it low I just knew it was it....nothing in the cm department most of the day until about 4 pm I went to the bathroom and there it was! EWCM! I was so happy, I felt like since I had been thinking I was O'ing all day and then EWCM showed up, I really DID know what was going on with my body. But then, I went to the bathroom like 30 mins later and nothing - and nothing since I'm so confused. I still think I probably O'd yesterday, as my temp jump this morning was the highest it's been all cycle - but with trying to time the girl it makes it more difficult. ARGH! When I told DH about the EWCM, he immediatly wanted to bd - saw the green light on my chart and said see it's telling us to go!! I reminded him how he said before that if we ended up with a boy next time that would be it, he wouldn't want to try anymore, but he said he had been thinking about it and would still want to try again and would want to have as many babies as I wanted to. I just don't know. Then with the timing, if it doesn't happen this cycle, I don't know what to do. I'm in the last year of finishing up my BA's - supposed to graduate a year from this May. If I were to become pg this cycle the timing would be perfect because the EDD would be at the end of fall finals week and I would then have 5 weeks to totally spend with baby before going back to finish up (that is assuming this pg wouldn't go like the previous two and I wouldn't struggle with pre-term labor). I really want to be in the posistion to be able to still go to school next spring because that will be my last semester and then I can move on. If I don't get pg this cycle and end up getting pg the next one, then my EDD would be like a week before the semester started. I could probably work it out ok as far as still going - but I wouldn't like just having a week with baby before having to start back up. Also I can only imagine how difficult it would be starting a semester with a VERY new newborn. UGH - I seriously just really don't know.
In other areas things are going ok I guess. Brenden had his 4th birthday the other day and that was nice. He had a great time. I've been invited to some fancy honors ceremony the school is holding in April where I get some certificate and then go to some fancyschmancy reception deal. I also got invited to do a senior honors thesis in the psyc department next year, which is a big honor because only a few people get the invite. But that sort of stuff keeps bringing me back to TTC - what if we do get pg and I have my typical high-risk pg and am in the hospital all the time...then I wouldn't be able to take these opportunities - not that it wouldn't be worth it, but this is stuff that could be very good for me and work to open doors to an even better future for my kids. I just have so many frickin thoughts constantly swirling around in my head right now - I just want them to GO AWAY!!! Blech.
So that's my world for now - stress coming at me from all directions, as usual. Just like the blinkie says -