The start of a new day , and a new journal. Have tried in the past on many occaisions to write to keep things real in my head...have lasted for a few days of weeks then the writing died off and then I wondered "why and what is the point of writing all that crap"...for my benefit .....HOW?
Will try again now....what will it hurt? Well living alone now is quite the lonely ordeal most days. I look back on the days when Tyrin was here daily, either days off or just coming or going to work. But at least he was coming home every day. I miss him alot and get lonely without him to share my day with.
I get angry sometimes thinking....was I ready to have another baby? was I ready to do it on my own? Again? I seemed to have done this with my other kids too....VERY different reasons though. I think I feel jealous sometimes that he gets a decent nites sleep, that he can eat in peace, go out with coworkers for a drink....while we are here ...... up till all hours wondering where A is with her friends, arguing with R over every little thing(mostly because I think she is feeling left out she isn't the baby anymore,)up and down with O because she is a baby ....duh! My oldest who is J....I never see.... it makes me very sad(tears coming now) to hear that he wants and chooses to live with my parents in the city ...... I have always made it known to him and my family that I want him to be with us, but now he is almost 17 and has the choice to be where he wants. But then I do think about the neat things that go on...like I got to see Olivia do all her "firsts " so far(makes me sad that he isn't here to share it with), I am here everyday to make sure all my kids get home safely, here for them to make lunches, have them talk to me about things, hug them when they need to be....you know.... mom things.
Tried the work thing a few weeks back, thought it was alright but E ,my boss has it out for me and personally I don't really have much respect for her either...so we clash. People don't get me.... I don't much like sitting back and taking crap from others. Then when I do voice an opinion they take it as this personal attack.... sorry been through way to much to care too much about everyones opinion. No that doesn't make me a bad person , It just makes me someone who has been through enough in my life, good and bad to know what I like and what I will put up with in my life. Is there something wrong with that? Yes there are many walls....probably starting with my first husband, who wonderfully ended up being a cheater, abuser, liar, dug addict, and finally being arrested by the RCMP in this huge drug bust in the city. I did know when we first got together that he wasn't an angel but I didn't see it getting this bad. We moved with him to Calgary (away from my family) to "better ourselves"...well long and short of it...... after being there only 2 months he upped and left us.....I had a new job, an unworking car, 2 small kids, no money, (*he had taken $$ to pay the rent and bills so I thought then found out nothing was payed and I owed it all still), we were going to be evicted if I couldn't come up with the $$ for rent. I was a mess. This is the one time I think I came close to losing my sanity unintentionally.
I tried to keep it together , had to really. My kids were little. J was only 4 and A was not even a year yet. I did get ahold of my family who was on holidays and they made a special trip to "rescue" their messed up daughter again. (note* I have always been the " bad egg" of the family...well known.) I tried to make it work, they helped me out with the $$ situation and then offered their support in anyway they could. I said I was fine. But couldn't stop crying, went to work , couldn't stop crying there either. Ultimately, quit my job and asked mom and dad to help me move back to my home town with my 2 small kids. In the meantime we still hadn't heard from Cory. He had left with my bank card, my credit cards the police were tracking him by the use of a couple of cards.....found him out east somewhere. Finally when I talked to him....he couldn't even explain to me what was going on, was upset with me.....I was so screwed up....this was prior to me turning into a hard-core b****!
That hard core stuff has come with time....this is just one of the reasons during my life that I either put up with or just let go of certain things. Its my choice and thats who I am now.
Guess my time is up...I hear Olivia tearing up something in her crib.....HOW DOES SHE FIND THOSE THINGS?