The start of a new day , and a new journal. Have tried in the past on many occaisions to write to keep things real in my head...have lasted for a few days of weeks then the writing died off and then I wondered "why and what is the point of writing all that crap"...for my benefit .....HOW?
Will try again now....what will it hurt? Well living alone now is quite the lonely ordeal most days. I look back on the days when Tyrin was here daily, either days off or just coming or going to work. But at least he was coming home every day. I miss him alot and get lonely without him to share my day with.
I get angry sometimes thinking....was I ready to have another baby? was I ready to do it on my own? Again? I seemed to have done this with my other kids too....VERY different reasons though. I think I feel jealous sometimes that he gets a decent nites sleep, that he can eat in peace, go out with coworkers for a drink....while we are here ...... up till all hours wondering where A is with her friends, arguing with R over every little thing(mostly because I think she is feeling left out she isn't the baby anymore,)up and down with O because she is a baby ....duh! My oldest who is J....I never see.... it makes me very sad(tears coming now) to hear that he wants and chooses to live with my parents in the city ...... I have always made it known to him and my family that I want him to be with us, but now he is almost 17 and has the choice to be where he wants. But then I do think about the neat things that go on...like I got to see Olivia do all her "firsts " so far(makes me sad that he isn't here to share it with), I am here everyday to make sure all my kids get home safely, here for them to make lunches, have them talk to me about things, hug them when they need to be....you know.... mom things.
Tried the work thing a few weeks back, thought it was alright but E ,my boss has it out for me and personally I don't really have much respect for her either...so we clash. People don't get me.... I don't much like sitting back and taking crap from others. Then when I do voice an opinion they take it as this personal attack.... sorry been through way to much to care too much about everyones opinion. No that doesn't make me a bad person , It just makes me someone who has been through enough in my life, good and bad to know what I like and what I will put up with in my life. Is there something wrong with that? Yes there are many walls....probably starting with my first husband, who wonderfully ended up being a cheater, abuser, liar, dug addict, and finally being arrested by the RCMP in this huge drug bust in the city. I did know when we first got together that he wasn't an angel but I didn't see it getting this bad. We moved with him to Calgary (away from my family) to "better ourselves"...well long and short of it...... after being there only 2 months he upped and left us.....I had a new job, an unworking car, 2 small kids, no money, (*he had taken $$ to pay the rent and bills so I thought then found out nothing was payed and I owed it all still), we were going to be evicted if I couldn't come up with the $$ for rent. I was a mess. This is the one time I think I came close to losing my sanity unintentionally.
I tried to keep it together , had to really. My kids were little. J was only 4 and A was not even a year yet. I did get ahold of my family who was on holidays and they made a special trip to "rescue" their messed up daughter again. (note* I have always been the " bad egg" of the family...well known.) I tried to make it work, they helped me out with the $$ situation and then offered their support in anyway they could. I said I was fine. But couldn't stop crying, went to work , couldn't stop crying there either. Ultimately, quit my job and asked mom and dad to help me move back to my home town with my 2 small kids. In the meantime we still hadn't heard from Cory. He had left with my bank card, my credit cards the police were tracking him by the use of a couple of cards.....found him out east somewhere. Finally when I talked to him....he couldn't even explain to me what was going on, was upset with me.....I was so screwed up....this was prior to me turning into a hard-core b****!
That hard core stuff has come with time....this is just one of the reasons during my life that I either put up with or just let go of certain things. Its my choice and thats who I am now.
Guess my time is up...I hear Olivia tearing up something in her crib.....HOW DOES SHE FIND THOSE THINGS?
..."oops there goes gravity.."(song)Been battling with my boss the past couple of days over my leave that she asked me to take. I thought I would need to take it as more of me maternity leave which I got them to stop when I went back to work mid-august. My union rep. thinks it should be a Disability thingy which would mean more $$ for me, and I wouldn't hav eto use my benefits.Sounds good to me...... E , my boss just called and she is changing all the paperwork in my favor, YAY! One accomplishment today so far.
Second achivement today..I am top of the list of a job I applied for. Meaning that E wouldn't be my boss anymore and I could be in a different department for a while. Nice change I think. I didn't hear from their supervisor about it yet but called HR and they told me I was on the top!
One more day till we take a drive to see Tyrin. I always enjoy going there, just knowing he is around , another pair of hands, is a relief. He gets up in the nite and I get to sleep. What a nice treat it is .
Still rainy out. VERY dreeryout. Days like these have a way of really getting me in a very down mood. Not much ambition, very hard to get up and carry on through the day doing things. We have to get out of the house today for sure, Rachel has a project due on Monday that I need to help her with tonite and her first dance class is Saturday so she needs dance things. While we are out I think we will take a trip to the gym, maybe that will make me feel better about things.
Haven't talked to my family much over the past while. It is upsetting that since we moved out of the house I had been renting from my dad for 5 yrs and into our own place last July they don't really pay attention to us. Thats how it feels anyway. It was okay when Tyrin was home....they knew he was here looking after all of us but now that he is gone they still don't come by or call. Makes me feel alot out of the loop.
Am I the only one that ever gets so tired of cleaning up after everyone? saying no to everything, listening to the crying....oh boy...time to get out I'm thinkin' .......maybe a bit of break from the past couple of "rain days" is what is best for me today. What I would love to do is curl up in a ball and watch movies but hey not an option.....Olivia wouldn't allow it.
I saw it is only just over 3 months till tyrin and I get married. Interesting. I don't know if I am excited about the marriage or excited to just get away for a bit....I think it could be both. Jamaica......beautiful!
Watching Olivia on the floor is funny. I can tell she is as bored as I am stuck in the house. It is soooo cool outside and so wet.this is how it was all last summer. Thank god it wasn't this way all summer. Actually come to think about it.. our summer was awesome! Warmest, nicest I can ever remember. Not much rain at all up until now. I LOVED it....so why am I so down about a couple days of rain....kind of crazy if you ask me.
My daughter A is so starting into being boy crazy and it worries me. All I hear from her and her friends is how "hot" someone is and this and that. I know her one friend just had a close call on thinking she was pregnant. I was worried it was A but her friend came and talked to me about it. I talked to them both openly about things and suggested that her friend talk to her mom too. I hope they learnt something from the scare....who knows..... (I didn't when I was their age...**pleace don't follow in my footsteps A**)
Wondering ....teenage years are hard on everyone. Hormones, free will, uncertainty, peer pressure..what alot ot deal with. It is frustrating to see happen I can't imagine how hard it is to live in. It was different when I was young. Different pressures, different things. I have shared with my daughter one of my challenges I dealt with when I was close to her age. I hope she takes it to heart.
Every day lately I have been learning more and more about myself, and others. I am taking note on pupose just so I can make things a learning experience rather than an annoyance or just something I am going through. Its amazing what we can learn when we look into situations from a perspective "outside the situation" rather than all wrapped up in it. Its alot easier on my spirit and soul to stand back and let things happen while taking a breath and realizing not everything in this world is in my control....as a matter of fact....never will be in my control....
SO its been a little while since I had a chance post in my journal. Got a nice surprise on Friday...mid afternoon...Tyrin called and said he was coming home instead of us coming there to see him. It was great to have him home for a few days. Too bad it rained the whole time.
When he comes home to visit...I hate knowing that he always has to leave again. It is like a weight on him being here...knowing he is leaving again. We had a good time though...spent time with the kids and then went out just the two of us on Saturday nite for a wonderful supper.
It is sunny out now. Amazing how my mood changes with the weather. I do need to go to the city for a few things tonite. Hopefully I don't jam on the gym ..... I keep telling myself....."dont' be so lazy..." I ran out of my celexa last thursday thinking "maybe I don't need it"...but really I think I do. I need to refill the prescription today before I get too down on myself about things.
Stil havent' heard about the temp job at another site. I am beginning to wonder and worry why I haven't heard anything. Maybe they are thinking of a way to not have me go over there...have a feeling they will try and pull the posting. I really need to get another position at another site so that I don't need to deal with E, my boss anymore. At least not right now.
I wonder if I did the right thing now. After olivia was born, and with the whole rupturing thing during her birth.....I decided to get my tubes tied ASAP. My OB told me it was too dangerous to have another baby. I get worried and feel bad for Tyrin that Iam only able to give him one baby. He is such a wonderful daddy....I feel like I failed him. Not being able to have an ordinary wonderful birth, pregnancy. It worries me ...
Earlier on....Olivia and I played for the longest time. She was really purposely bugging me. It was so cute. She was giggling so hard. I love spending time with her and maybe not being able to return to work early was a blessing in disguise. I think it was.
Definately fall is in the air. Hung my "fall wreath" today.....change of seasons and change of heart. Maybe I should work on not letting what others think bother me so much. Maybe I should learn to be more open in saying how I feel about things no matter what the consequence. I just think that is so harsh sometimes....I definately feel strongly about things that I believe in but to see how some people I know react and behave... so out right vindictive and sneaky really surprises me. I don't think I have that in me. Maybe I am just not that smart to think ahead of ways to be devious , think of ways to decieve people and twist truths.
Come to think of it...that isn't a quality I hope to have in my life. I think that would be more of a curse than a quality to be proud of.
Take a breath...think of the good things in my life. My family, my kids. My strength to overcome 2 bad abusive marriages, a stroke at 33 yrs old, a uterine rupture. Thats alot of things to be proud of and have overcome. I still have a hard time putting into perspective the stroke thing. It terrifies me still. The reality of it sometimes takes my breath away and I can't believe it actually happened. But it did. I was strong though. Worked through it and still work on it everyday. I overcame it.