On a whim, I decided to start an online journal. I honestly don't know how long I'll keep up with it. I have never been good at keeping a journal, but since I'm on PO so often I might have better luck this time.
I can't sleep tonight. My insomia has returned. Plus DH snoring isn't helping matters.
I haven't written in so long. I miss being able to catch wisps of poems and turning it into something. Lines used to just come to me and dance in my head until I wrote them down. I remember scroughing around for anything to write on so I could jot thoughts down before they slunk (is that a word) for good.
I went to Banter (a cofee shop) to see my good friend Johann play. Everytime he plays I fall in love with his music all over again. He makes me forget life for a moment and I can dream again. Listening to his lyrics, always inspires me to start writting again.
Desmina enjoyed the show. She kept clapping after each song. I must admit she was imitating the audience. She loves music since the beginning. Even in my womb, when I played music she would start moving inside. After she was born, sometimes music was the only thing that she would respond to. Her favourite has always been Bob Marley. Maybe she is going to be a musician when she gets older.
Even before I had a child, my dream for the child was that s/he would be an artist of some sort. I told Fred that when our child was 3 or 4, we would go to Europe and visit La Lourve. We would buy him or her (or even they) an art set and let them "have at it." The trip to Europe would make such an impression in their mind and at that moment they know what they want to be. LOL I read too many books. I still want to go to Europe. Just have to find the cash. LOL.
Or perhaps since Desi loves music so much, I'll take her to the symphony. If only we had the money to buy her a muscial instrument afterwards.
I hate that I'm not working sometimes. I feel so inadequate. Don't get me wrong, I love being a SAHM. But sometimes I worry that I'm going to be out of the work force for so long. Will I be able to jump back in? I guess I can work at MHMR if need be. But I hated doing social services. Well I hated working for CPS; I wasn't assertive enough I guess.
I do hope to start going back to school to become a midwife. Fred just got a promotion and raise. We have to pay our debt off first, which reminds me I NEED to pay my student loan. I'm late on it. I just hate having so much debt.
I guess I just want to start advancing my future career soon. I just keep calcaluting how old I will be when I become a midwife. The program I want to do can take anywhere between 2 to 5 years. If I start now, I'll be 31. I still don't know if I'll start before or after we're through with kids. We want another one soon. I think we'll TTC either end of 2005 or the beginning of 2006. Lets say I get pregnant and have the baby when I"m 28, that means I'll be 33 by the time I done. But wait...I want to home school for the first couple of years. So if I have a baby by the time I'm 28 add another 6 or 7 years that means I'll be 40! I cannot imagine staying at home that long. I wonder if its possible to go to work, go to school and home school at the same time? Perhaps I should start the midwivery program after we have our second. That way by the time I'm done with it, it will be time to teach my little darlings and I can set my own hours as a midwife.
Okay well I'm finally tired. I think I'll go to bed now.
I was such in a pissy mood today. I really thingk. that my period is about to return. Although it feels as though I've been PMSing for about 2 weeks now.
Fred and I got in an argument today over Desi and feeding. When we aruge, that's the topic that we argue most about. I know its because I'm so sensitive to whether or not I'm able to provide her enough breast milk. I blame that on the numbnut and dimwit that called themselves naturalpaths. It still pisses me off something who ****ing ignorant they are when it comes to breastfeeding. I wrote them a letter and never sent it for fear of jinyxing myself with my milksupply. But seriously they need to know that they are compeletly unknowledgable when it comes to breastfeeding.
Fred and I were able to resolve our argument pretty quickly. I hate arguing with him in front of Desi, but at least we weren't shouting. Although I'm not going to argue behind closed doors. If the fight ever esculates in front of her then I just have to tell him that we'll contine the discussion some other time. I think the reason why I contiuned it was because I wanted to finish it before I left for Target. I hate leaving in the middle of an argument.
Last night Fred and I talked about TTC. I'm still unsure when I went to do it. He was thinking sometime in September. I keep on going back and forth. I would like to get our debts out of the way.
Desi is just so young. I can't imagine have 2 this young. I would like her to be able to understand what is going on. I'm thinking I want the next child to be between 2 to 3 years apart. Closer to 3 will be nice. Ivy and I are almost 3 years apart and she is my favourite sibling.
Last night was the third night in a row in which I stayed up past 4 trying to get to sleep. It looks like some of my other PO friends couldn't sleep either so I got to chat with them.
Today Ivy and Moe (my 2 younger sisters) are coming to visit. I was hopiing they would come earlier so that they can watch Desi while I cook dinner. I'm making pizza and I want to prepare the crust. Desi is napping so I'm using the opportunity to go ahead and start witht he crust. While the yeast is proofing, I thought I would jump on PO for a bit. Its so addicting!
Last night while I was cooking dinenr, Fred was playing with Desi. Her receptive skills are excellent! She understands dog, ball and dog. He was asking her to touch the ____, and she responded with the correct answer! I was working with her a while back, but she didn't seem to get it. I'm glad that she is finally responding! I need to work on that more.
Okay the yeast is probably done proofing. Off to make some yummy pizza for my family. Pizza is Fred's favourite. Hey maybe I'll get me some tonight.
I may be getting a part time job! I'm so excited. I will be doing ABA therapy with an autstic child. I worked as a therapist in te past while I was working on my BA in psyhcology. It had its up and downs. Back then, I know that I wasn't confident in myself still. Working around children kind of made me nervous as well. I remember one child making me cry so bad because he was literally out of control. I quit the next day. His mom was happy to see me go, I think.
Another child, hated me. We butted heads. Not only was he stubborn, e was intelligent. I was uncomfortable because I didn't know what to do with him.
I hope that I can work well with this family. I have a fear of failure. I don't want to disappoint this family or myself. I hope that this child likes me. I think that is the most importnant factor in working with children. Esp working with children with PDD. They need to be able to trust you. Children are very intutive. They know when you aren't comfortable around them or with your self.
If I get this job, I will be working Monday thru Friday 5 to 7. Hopefully, Fred can get home on time to take Desmina. I hope she will do good three hours away from me. I haven't been gone away from her for that long when she wasn't sleeping. I'm kind of worried about that as well. But I think that she is ready for me to go back to work. I do not know how much the job pays, but in the past I have made between 10 and 13 dollars. I hope I can make at least this much. It will be a nice supplemental income. I can save a little towards my schooling and pay off our debts.
I would like to wipe out our cc debts before the next child. I keep going back and forth on when to have the next one. I would like for them to be between 2 and 3 years apart. I just hope we don't have twins. If we have twins, I would feel sad for Desi. She may feel left out.
I have this nasty ear infection. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy; it hurts so bad. Its disgusting how much pus and blood is coming out. I decided to take antibioitcs for it. I hate to take medicine, but I want this over and done with. I don't want to be sick for Desi's birthday or her party.
I can't believe she is going to be one! Where has the time gone? I wrote a poem for her.
My love unsurpassed is
Time may fly, but will never steal our bond
Hold on to me, Sweet Desi
Eat my magical elixur
Ripened from my heart
Specially composed for you
My milk flows
In between us, feeding our souls
Lactation, I will never forget
Kindling our love into eternity.
My best friend is quitting her job. I must admit, I'm a bit worried about her. I know that she needs the money, but her job is so draining. She has been very sick and the job creates so much stress. I'm happy that she is finally leaving the job that gives her hell. They totally disrespect her and take advantge of her. They don't even allow her to take a lunch and she is forced to work overtime. But without this job, she can't go to the doctor. The doctors still don't know what she has. She may have lupus, hypoglaucemia, they don't know. Its a Catch-22; her job is creating more stress in her life, yet she needs a job to pay for all these doctor visits and tests.