Thread: ~~~~~Melodies and Dreams~~~~~

I think I got the job! I'm still a little paranoid to jinyx myself and say I actually got it. I met with the family. Very nice family. The boy is so cute! He responded to me right away. He started pulling me throughout the house and showing me things. I think that is what helped his parents make the desicion. They said that he doesn't interact with many people. I do hope they don't change their minds.
R doesn't have many verbal skills. I need to work on that. He mostly communicates in grunts and gestures. I'm already formulating a lesson plan for him. I can't wait until I start working with him! I am a little intimadated, but up for the challange!

I think I have food issues. Sometimes there are times I feel like a glutton and hate to share my food. Its like I'm hording it. Then I feel guilty about all people who don't have enough to eat. Or I remember my Grandpa, who always ate enough to appease his hunger. Then I start starving myself because of the guilt. Its like I have a love-hate relatonship with food. Now that I recogonzie it I hope I can come to a happy medium.


Grrr. Desi is up now! I hate to complain on my birth board about it because I know there are some moms who get less sleep than me. Desi still wakes up every 1 to 3 hours still. I used to be able to get her to sleep in though. But now she is an early bird. I just get so frustrated sometimes that I just want to cry. I also get angry too. I know its not her fault. She just isn't a good sleeper. But I cursed aloud today when I heard her crying for the umptenth time tonight. Then I remember how short this time is. How much longer will she cry out for me? I should be able to relish these moments when I can nurse her to sleep. I didn't get to nurse her in the first hours of her life and I'm making up for it. I still get angry over my birth expereince. Okay right now I'm cheating. I'm nursing and typing at the same time.

My Poor Desi has a fever today. I hope that it breaks by tomorrow. I don't want her to be sick for her birthday.
She took half a step today! I cried as I tried to coax her to come get the balls. I think she would have taken more steps if she was feeling better. Oh please let it pass!
I'm beginning to wonder if she caught it at C's house. Desi kept picking up stuff and putting in her mouth. Her house wasn't the cleanest either. I just hope this is just teething related. We have so many plans for tomorrow for her first birtday. Nothing that can't be rearranged. But I just wanted to make this day special.

Just breathe. Sounds simple? I try to inhale the good and exhale the bad. Let the negative thoughts exit my mind. I worry so much. I keep waiting to get to a certain point and then I think everything is going to be okay after that. But the thoughts keep creeping back into my head. Nibbling at me. Its Desi that I worry about. I don't know what I would if anything happened to her. I get so paranoid. I see omens everywhere. Back then, I thought to myself...if she makes it a year, we'll be in the clear. Now that she is a year, I still don't feel safe. I hate loving somebody so much sometimes! I never knew what it mean to love someone so much that it hurts. The constant fear of something happening. I have to remind myself to breathe. Enjoy her while I can. And if anything ever happens to her I want her to know that I gave her the best life I could filled with love. *knock on wood* *pushes negative thoughts out and reflects on what a wonderful party we threw our baby girl today*

I am so drained today. Desi had her party. Oh my! All the people who showed up! I need to write in her baby book as well all about it. I made 3 cakes: chocolate, strawberry and a sugar free carrot cake. The chocolate cake didn't turn out so well because we forgot to check the cake to make sure it was done. Just took it out of the oven and put the next cake in. But man is it hella good! Too bad it didn't turn out the way we wanted. The other cakes turned out pretty good. I made the icing for the carrot from succanate and soymilk. I decorated the cakes with strawberries. The carrot cake had the number "1" on it and Desi's llittle smash cake had the letter "D" on it.
We made so much food! All the eggrolls were devoured! They were so delious! We made fried rice, noodles and curry as well. Which all turned out really well. Except the rice burned a bit. Don't know what happened, but it still tasted pretty good.
My parents didn't show up until much later so there was no meat at the house. Although we did have a nonvegan cake. We ended up getting an extra cake just in case. The bakery wrote, "Happy 1st Birthday Desmina" and I added the unircon to that cake. The strawberry cake had the other unicron. Anyways, we had to do the cake without my parents there. I cried while they sang "Happy Birthday." My baby girl is growing so fast! She mostly played with the cake. Don't know what she thought about it. Surprisnlgy she was pretty neat. Not much of a mess. I guess its the Virgo in her.
Aftewards all the kids helped Desi open her presents. They all played together afterwards.
My parents finally showed up at around 6 while I was trying to get Desi to go to sleep. Desi missed her second nap so was a little grumpy with them. My aunt, grandmother and uncle came with them. That is why they were late. Honestly, I like the way it worked out better. My family doesn't speak any English so it would have been very awkard for them. It was an intimate party. A little bit of socialzintion. My mom gave Desi her meds with no mess at all. I wish I could do it as smoothly, but Fred pointed out that Desmna was PISSED. So I don't know which I would rather have. Probaby a pissed baby knowing that she took all her meds vs an annoyed baby questioning if she had enough meds.
I did feel somewhat judged though by my family and my sister. Fred says that my aunt lifted up the stove and made a comment to my mom. My mom of course made little snide comments that I ignored. My sister is just an around stupid ***** who likes to antagonize people. We did hash it out today before Desi's party. My sister acts just like my mom sometimes. She is very hurtful. I tried to ignore her today, but she seemed to push the right buttons. And if you push the right buttons I push back. I know it was immatrue of me to try to fight back. But man was she being a *****! We both were trying to get the last word in. Glad that she is out of my hair now.

I've been having weird dreams lately. Kind of like I'm picking up on someone else's REM. I have alwalys been sensitive like that and it took me a while to be able to fall asleep when someone else was in bed with me. That's how I knew I was pregnant with Desmina. It was liked I picked up on a brain wave or someting. Although I don't know if fetuses have brain waves that early on. So now I'm beginning to wonder...am I? I'll test on Wednesday and find out. That's our anniversary. Don't know if I want it to be positive or negative. Well I don't care if its negative. Don't know how I would feel if its positve. I wanted to wait until Desmina was 18 months to TTC. If I'm postive it will change my plans a little bit.

Last night we had the best sex. I Oed 3 times!!!!! We connected so well! It was so nice to be held like that and feel so much love flowing in between us. I haven't orgamised since before Desmina was born. So it felt so wonderful for the release. Usually I just to it long enough for Fred to finish as a dutifully wife. But this is the first time in which I really wanted it. Second time that we complety finished (or that Fred did...that's why its doubtful that I"m pregnant. Plus I don't have my period yet). Our annivesarry is coming up and I was just thinking how much I love Fred. I think that's what got me going.
I have words rolling around in my head for a poem I want to write him....
Music has always fed my dreams
But you sate my soul
Also I want to add
When I look at her
I see you
I see me
I see her
I see us.

I went out last night without Desmina. I started the night out at a local coffee shop listening to Johann play. His music always inspires me. I want to go to Banter more often. Its an excellent place to listen to music and do some scrapbooking.
Next I fooled myself into thinking I was still in the club scene. I went to meet Claire and Patrick for JoshaA's birthday party bash. Even before entering the club, I'm hit by the nasty blanket of cigerretes that seems to hover everywhere. You can't escape the smell. It clings to your hair and clothes even after leaving the place.
Then I walk into the back room to be greeted by boys dancing in their underwear on stage. I'm slightly amused and it brings flashbacks of my first encounters of Denton which also happened to be my first encounter of the male anatomy as well. I had gone to Denton to see a local punk band who is notorious for playing in the nude. Of course I didn't know that little fact until I got there. The sheltered me was embarrassed yet curious at the same time. What does IT look like, I wondered? Well I can say that it was nothinig to wonder over. I still feel like that sometimes about the male penis...although I do wonder how they get it up so fast sometimes. I mean it takes me forever to get in the mood, whereas with men it seems the vibrations of the car turns them on.
End of flashback and tangent.
I look around to see if there is anyone I know. I see JoshaA. At that point I'm too shy to go up to him and wish him a Happy Birthday. He is surrounded by people I don't know. So I just go to the bar and order a water. I wait until my friend shows up, which she is late. She is always late. By the time she shows up I'm already to leave. Although honestly, I was ready to leave even before my foot crossed the threshold of the bar. I stay long enough to greet them and say Happy Birthday to Josh. Josh is pure energy. He greets people with so much love that you wish that you knew him just a little bit better. I used to be in that world. The activist world of his. That's where we met, at a protest. I think he has left the activist scene, although I'm sure you'll see him at Gay Pride Day. I wish I were more involved. My last protest was over four months ago.
Right now I'm reading Everything you Love can be Saved, a memoir of Alice Walker's activism. It has inspired me to start again.

I hate living in Texas! Our (I hate to associate myself with them) goverenment is trying to pass an amendment which would ban same sex marriages. If this passes it I will be so freaking pissed. I want to get out of Texas so bad!!!!
I voted yesterday against it. I wish I was more educated on the other amendments because when I voted yes on some of the I wouldn't have voted for. At least its not as bad as voting yes for the stupid law. I can't believe that people have that mentatlity. **** Perry and his concubine!

Last night we all went to a vigil for women who have been killed by their spouses. I took part in it by representing a woman by Maragee Smith who was shot by her husband. She died at 58. Very sad. As the woman read the names and ages it just made me so sad to hear so many women die young. It was very emotional. At then end they released 25 butterflies to represent women that were able to get away. It was very touching, yet sad at the same time to think what these women endured. Sad to think that 25 women escapaed, but 115 were killed.
Sorry to be such a downer today.

Some idiot called us the other day and left a message on the machine telling us to vote for Proposition 2 because Hispanic voters have been misled. Sounds like the Pubs are scared of the homosexuals having the rights they deserve.