My sister is a freaking *****. She called to tell me her wonderful idea of getting our pictures taken for Me and Ba for Christmas. She "needed" me to set up the appointment for Dec 21. I told her that I had to look and see about scheduling because I am watching Baby D. OMG she ****ing freaked out! Telling me, "If you don't want to do it its fine. Its must that I had this idea and I want to do it" blah blah blah blah. Trying to lay on the guilt trip. I had ****ing passive aggressive people. Her tone was just plain rude. Then she told me that I shouldn't have to plan my life around the child. Hello! Its my freaking job! I felt as though she was dismissing that I work from home and have responssabilites. It wasn't like I dismissed her idea from the start. I told her I had to look into it and that it had to be in the evening. She hangs up in a puff.
The ***** then calls again. Of course I think that she calls to apolgoize. No she calls to be more of a ***** telling me that [b]I[/] was being inflexiable and that I was letting that family control me. I told her she was being disrespectful to me and my job. She then says that I'm disrepscetful to my family, which really hurts. She tells me I always put my friends first. That ****ing bull ****. Maybe I did that when I was a teenager, but I was a kid then. All this *****iness just because I tell her that I have to look into my schuedule.
I have come to a decision to not to sink down to her level of games. She just tries to find out what hurts me the most and says it. Why would anyone hurt anyone on purpose? I no longer care what the **** she thinks or whatever my mom thinks either. I don't need approval from my parents or sister. They are always disappointed in everything I do anyways and complain. I'm always trying to please them. As of now, I don't care. If they're not happy with me the way I am then F them! Its quite empowering. My mom doesn't have the power to hurt me anymore.
Our car hit 16K. We just got it in April! We drive way too much. We did celebrate it though with a dance. LOL.
He is working out more and starting to look good to me. I'm finally getting my sex drive back. I don't feel like a milk machine as much anymore now that Desi isn't nursing as much.
I still have body images though. I want to get rid of my tummy flab. I'm going to start riding though to get back in shape. We just bought a Trek for me for $35! We need to put a new tube in it and fix the brakes and I"m good too go. I'm a little worried that I wont' be fit to ride though. I know it takes work. I'm also scared of the road. What if I get hit? I want to be able to ride with Fred. I want the whole family to ride together. Desi already has a helmet and a trailer to ride in. I just have to get fit to ride with Fred.
Yesterday, Desmina went into the pantry and grabbed some rice cereal. She then went into where her Daddy was taking a shower and tried to pour the cereal into the tub.
Sometimes her antics are funny and sometimes they are frustrating. Today Fred was putting dishes in the dishwasher. Desi loves to take stuff out or climb on the dishes. Well today she actually put the measuring spoons back after we asked her too. We were pleasantly surprised.
She is also saying, "Hi" to people on the phone. She will blow kisses too. I just love my toddler!
We went to see the Tree Lighting Festival tonight. It was crowded! I couldn't tell if Desi enjoyed herself or not. I think she was a bit tired. But when Brave Combo came on she seemed to perk up a bit.
I didn't realize that BC won a grammy this year. Shows that I've been out of the loop. That's what happens when you dont have TV
I don't know why, but Chirstmas time always makes me so depressed. I think its the songs they play. Everytime I hear, So this is Christmas I want to cry. There are a few happy cheery songs, but those annoy me. Frosty the Snowman makes me sad too. Poor snowman.
My grandfather died the day after Christmas four years ago. I did not know him well because he lived in Vietnam for almost his whole entire life. He came to America to visit. He was a good man.
Finally my period has started. Most of the time I hate it when it comes around. I just feel miserable and crampy. I had syptoms, but I just attributed it to something else. Now I guess Fred and I have to decide for now if we want to TTC or wait. We've been so laxed when it comes to using protection.
I don't think I'm quite ready yet. I said orginally I wanted to wait until Desi is at least a year. Then I realized that she won't be ready to be a big sister at 18 months. Then I said I'll wait until she is will be 2 years when the baby is here. Well that means we need to start TTC now. But there is a chance that Fred and I may get to go on a cruise in September. There is no way I'm going on a cruise if I'm almost due for a baby or just had a baby. Selfish, I know. But I haven't had a vacation with just me and Fred in along time. Usually we're visiting family. Even on our honeymoon Fred's family was there. Which kind of annoyed me and still does today. I just want to go somewhere where we it will be just us. Well I told my mom that we may go on a cruise and now she wants to go to. She did offer to watch Desi. So perhaps we'll go with them and then try to disapper from them. Can it happen? It will be nice to have a break from Desi so that Fred and I can do our own thing. Do I trust her with Desi?
God my mom is such a B. She is still mad at me over Christmas because she nosed around my stuff and found a card from my Uncle Gus and Aunt Hoa. She hasn't talked to me since Christmas. I called her yesterday because I was thinking of going over there and she was really distant. I asked what was wrong and she told me that I sholdn't be talking to them. I can't help that they sent me a Christmas card. Now she wants to "talk to me" about how what I did was wrong. She just wants me to sit and lecture me. If I say anything I'm arguing about it. Why is so hurtful? I hate it when she uses absloutes. She says, "You never do this" or "You alaweys do this." Its like she only notices me when I do something bad or wrong. I don't know why I allow her to hurt me still. I think I'm going to cut her out of my life for good now. I keep on saying it but I think I'm going to do it. Until she learns to respect me more as a person, I'm not giving her the time of day.
Last night I had the saddest dream. I dreamt that my parents went to court to give up their parental rights of me. I was so sad that my dad didn't want anything to do with me. I think that's what I fear the most still. I hate being a disappointment to him. I always worry what my mom tells him. I know I'll always be a disappointment to my mom. In her eyes I can never do right. But with my dad I always try to do good in his eyes. And with my mom being mad at me, I'm sure she is telling him things about me. About what a horrible daughter I am.
I just want to get away. I hate living here.
I am so lucky to have Fred for a husand. He always makes me feel sexy, even though I don't see myself as sexy. It seems that I fall in love with him all over again time again and again.
I am leaving for Ga on Monday and so we wanted to have prime cuddle time this weekend before I leave.
This is my first week away from him since Desi has been born. I am going to miss him. I love how close we are together. Yet sometimes I hate to be so dependent on him. I miss him when I am not with him. It scares me sometimes that someone else can control my emotions. Sometimes I tortue myself and imagine him falling in love with somebody else. I cry just thinking of it. Sometimes I don't think I'm good enough for him. How did I get so lucky?
If Fred does leave me, I do have a Plan B. I always do. I hope that never happens though. I want to believe that love does last forever. I'll wish that on my next star.