Tomorrow will be one year since my missed miscarraige. It still affects me deeply, and Im crying even as I type this. I thught maybe getting it out would help me find some peace. Ive never told the story to anyone, anyone who knows was present when it happened.
March 1st, 2007...we found out that we were pregnant. We were so excited, even though my DF and I had only been together less than a year, and weren't even engaged at the time. We both had 2 children from previous relationships, mine were both boys and I desperately wanted a little girl.
I had my first u/s at 10 weeks, heard the heartbeat and everything seemed fine..why wouldnt it? I had had 2 uncomplicated pregnancies and deliveries already. We had an EDD ultrasound at 13 weeks, and the baby looked fine too, strong heartbeat, they measured the baby at 13 weeks, 3 days.
It was a Sunday, June 3rd, 2007. My DF went to work that morning, and I was home with the kids. At about 10am I started having really bad pressure at the top of my stomach that increased as time went on. I was 16 weeks pregnant. I tried laying down, drinking water, switchng positions, nothing worked, it just kept getting worse. I called DF and told him something was wrong and I wanted to go to triage to be checked out. While he was on his way home, I called L&D and told them what the problem was and that I was coming in. They tried to persuade me to stay home and monitor it, but I knew something was wrong and insisted on coming in.
When we got there, they tried to find the heartbeat on the doppler, but they couldnt, they tried 3 different dopplers trying to find it and they couldnt. So they brought in a portable ultrasound. At that point we were told that the baby didnt have a heartbeat, and no movement. HE or She was only measuring at 13.5 weeks, which means the baby passed shortly after the EDD ultrasound. I was devastated. I knew that miscarraiges happened intellectually, but not to me. I had had 2 children, 2 normal pregnancies with no problems, this wasnt supposed to happen to me. They sent me home to return on Wednesday for a D&E. They gave me the options of miscarrying naturally, giving birth or a D&E. I chose the D&E because I didnt want to m/c naturally with children at home and I didnt think i was strong enough to endure giving birth to a tiny baby who wasnt alive. I didnt want to have a memory of the event, I know it sounds weak and cowardly, but it was only 3 days after I found out and I honestly felt I couldnt cope with anythng else.
I had the D&E on June 6th, 2007. I was completely knocked out for the procedure and went home later that evening. I cried for at least a month every single day, and even for months afterwards. When I packed away the u/s pictures and the half finished baby blanket I had started 2 months later, I cried for another week. It will never leave me.
Even now, I am pregnant again, due July 1st and scheduled for an induction June 23rd. This baby has congenital heart defects that will require surgery after birth. I wonder if maybe our angel baby did as well and just couldnt support life past a certain point. While I know what this baby is going to have to go through will be very difficult for us, I am so very thankful that he's made it (almost) to full term.
God works in mysterious ways, and I know this is all according to his plan. I never found out the sex of our angel, I didnt thnk i could handle it as much as I wanted a girl. But I find some comfort in knowing that he or she is with Jesus and I will meet him or her someday again.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far